The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 29 - The Dress Shop - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Want me to wait here, Uncle Jed?

No, Jethro. Come on
up to Mr. Drysdale's office

and say howdy to the folks.

Oh, yes, sir.

Reckon it's all right to
leave the truck parked here?

Well, yes, sir. We got a
whole stack of parking tickets.

Well, doggies, them
Beverly Hills policemen

sure is generous.

That's a fact. Seems like
every time we park here,

they give us another ticket.

I reckon they want to
keep us coming back.

How many you got?

Must be a dozen.

Looky here.

Here's a two-dollar one.

This one's for four.

Here's a five dollar one. We
got a whole stack of these.

$10... $15... You know, Jethro,

we ought to share our
good fortune with other folks.

Now, I'll tell you what you do.

See them buncha
cars parked up yonder?

Yes, sir.

I want you to take them tickets,

and put one on every car.

I'll do it. I'll put it under
the windshield wiper

so's the wind won't
blow them away.

Good boy. And then, meet
me up in Mr. Drysdale's office.

Oh, Uncle Jed, hadn't
we ought to stick around

just so's they'll know
who give them the tickets?

No, Jethro, the
joy is in the giving,

not being thanked for it.

You, know, Chief, there's...
there's something quite

humorous about
Jed Clampett owning

the most exclusive dress
shop in Beverly Hills. Mmm...

DRYSDALE: Exclusive
and expensive.

I had to buy The House of Renée

in order to acquire this
business frontage for him.

It's a great investment.

The first of many that I'll
be making for Mr. Clampett.

He is indeed fortunate to have
you piloting his ship of finance

into the harbor of security.

Harbor of security?

Well, that's rather a
well turned phrase.

Thank you, Chief.

And standing at the
mouth of that harbor

like a welcoming beacon,

is the Commerce
Bank of Beverly Hills.

A West Coast Statue of Liberty.

Exactly.

Ooh. By George, I have an idea.

On our new bank building, let's
have the same words engraved

that are on the
Statue of Liberty.

Wonderful.

"Bring me your
poor, your huddled..."

Wait! Wait a minute.

Is that what it says,
"Bring me your poor"?

Oh, yes. Well, forget it.

Chief... Forget it!

(knocking at door)

Howdy, there.

Bring me your rich,
your Clampetts.

Pardon?

Congratulations, Mr. Clampett.

You are now the owner

of one of the choicest business
properties in Beverly Hills.

I am? Yes.

I bought it for you.

Well, uh, how much did it cost?

Oh, a mere half million dollars.

Mr. Drysdale, that's
too expensive a present.

No, no. I bought it for
you with your money.

Oh.

It's an investment
for you, Mr. Clampett.

A, a tax shelter.

For example, there's
a very fine dress shop,

which you now own.

And the second story is occupied

by several doctor's offices,

of which you are
now the landlord.

It's the kind of property
that has tax advantages.

You can depreciate it.

Oh, I do, I do.

No, no. I mean,

you can depreciate
the value of the building.

You take my word, Mr. Drysdale,

I 'preciate everything
you do for me.

Yes.

Uh, would you mind stepping
over here, Mr. Clampett

and sign these papers?

You have your notary seal?

Indeed, I have.

It's right here, Chief.

Sign right over
here, Mr. Clampett.

Right on this line here.

Howdy!

Hello, Jethro.

Oh, Jethro, you,

you dear, sweet, handsome lad.

What a, what a
pleasant surprise.

Miss Jane, I reckon with
Jethro coming in sudden like that

that done it, but you just
crimped that piece of paper

all out of shape with
them fancy pliers.

I guess I did squeeze
a bit harder than usual.

Jethro, would you like
to sign as a witness?

Well, to tell you the
truth, Mr. Drysdale,

I didn't see her do it.

Oh, no, I meant witness
your uncle's signature.

Sign this copy,
too, Mr. Clampett.

Your Uncle Jed is now what the
government officially designates

as a small businessman.

He's big as me.

I could eat a turnip
off of your head.

(simpering)

Ready, Miss Hathaway?

Oh. Yes.

Jethro, I reckon you and
me better go on home.

We just caused Miss Jane
to ruin another piece of paper.

You bought a store
in Beverly Hills?

Well, uh, strictly speaking, uh,

Mr. Drysdale done the
buying, but we own it.

What kind of a store is it?

Well, it's a dress store.

What in tarnation would
you want with that?

First off, it'll give us all
something to keep us busy.

And then, uh, I
thought, that, uh,

Elly working around a dress
store, she might get interested

in wearing dresses and
acting more like a lady.

Elly is a lady.

She don't need no dress store.

Hey, Uncle Jed,
please don't send me out

to fetch Elly no more.

A fella can get killed.

What happened?

Well, Elly and her
ape and her bobcat

were sitting up in the
top of this elm tree.

So I climbed up to tell
her to put on some shoes

that we was going to town.

Well, I got throwed
20 feet to the ground,

jumped on, scratched,
choked, pounded

and pretty near
done in all together.

Well, a ape and a bobcat
are pretty good fighters.

Yeah, well, that's
why I was so mad.

They just sit there in the elm
tree and watched her whup me.

Whoa-oa!

What do you think, Granny?

Well, I think we better get her

washed up and down
to the dress store.

What am I supposed to do
down to the dress store, Pa?

Well, I tell you, first
we'll all just look around

and see what needs to be done.

Then we'll pitch in and
help wherever we can.

When Ma done her dressmaking,
I used to oil the sewing machine,

so it'll pedal easier.

Well, you offer
to do that, Jethro.

Elly May can shake out
flour sacks and feed sacks

and undo the seams
so I can wash and iron it

and make yard goods.

Well, now, Granny, this being
a fancy Beverly Hills dress store

they've probably got
ready-made yard goods.

It's hard to beat
good, stout feed sacks

for housedresses.

If they ain't got too
much filler in them.

This don't sound like
much fun to me. Jethro?

Pull over to the curb. I'm gonna
jump out and go back home.

Now, young lady, you
sit right where you are.

Or you ain't gonna
feel much like settin'.

Jethro, you drive on
down to our dress store.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Welcome home, Mrs.
Langwell. How was the continent?

A bore. A dreadful bore.

I do hope Renée
has designed a gown

that will lift my spirits.

She's waiting to show it to you.

S'il vous plaît.

Oh!

Bonjour, Madame Langwell.

C'est merveilleux
de vous revoir.

Oh, please, Renée,
no more French.

In Paris it seems every
other person is speaking it.

Maurice, champagne
for Madame Langwell.

Immediately...

I've created something
perfectly divine for you.

Tommi's waiting
to show it to you.

Entrez.

Oh, Renée.

Renée, it's me.

Oh. It makes me look so slender.

I knew you'd like it.

I adore it. Will you have
to make any alterations?

Oh, none to speak of.

A little here, a little there.

Well, to you, Renée.

I must take it with me.

How soon can you have it ready?

Oh, in no time at all.

Maurice, see that Madame
has everything she wishes.

And Renée...

I-I-I don't wish to
seem bourgeois.

But my, my husband always
scolds me for not asking prices.

Do you mind?

Well, it is a little bit
unusual, but for you...

Now, be prepared for surprise.

The gown is less than $2,000.

I'm robbing you.

RENÉE: But the
honor of having you

appear in one of my creations

is worth a great deal.

Nevertheless, I
insist upon paying

what the gown is worth.

Well, if it will make
Madame happy...

Just my cost... $2,500.

Thank you, Renée.

She's such a dear.

JETHRO: This is as close
as I can get, Uncle Jed.

The street's
parked full of cars.

JED: Looks like somebody's
doing a good business.

GRANNY: I hope
it's our dress store.

ELLY MAY: Pa, I don't
wanna work in no dress store.

Now, stop complaining, Elly.

Jethro, you sure we
come to the right place?

Yes, sir. This
here is the address

that was on those
papers you signed.

Says here... it's
somebody's house.

JETHRO: "House of Reeny."

You're right.

Well, let's go.

Sure. That's a good
deal like the name

of the lady that Miss Jane said

was running a dress store.

If this is a dress store,
I'll eat a yard of calico.

JETHRO: Hey.

Ma done her dressmaking
in the back room of the house.

Maybe this here Reeny
woman does that, too.

Wouldn't do no harm to ask.

Well, I'll see y'all back home.

Now, wait, Elly May.

It was on account of you

I went along with
buying this place.

Now, you're going
inside with us,

and you're gonna
behave like a lady.

(knocking on door)

GRANNY: Hey, in there.

Anybody home?

(knocking)

Hi, there. Is this here
Renée's dress store?

This is The House of Renée.

That's the name.

Are you here, Reeny?

No, indeed.

Madame Renée is in
the fitting room in the rear.

I was right. Just like Ma
used to do her dressmaking.

Boy, this sure
is a pretty parlor.

Here, here, here!

Oh... thank you.

Go easy, Granny.

Looks like that gassed-up
cider city folks is so fond of.

MRS. LANGWELL: Renée.

Renée!

Come quickly.

What is it, Mrs. Langwell?

Who are these people?

They look like welfare cases.

You go on up and
have your fitting.

Maurice and I'll deal
with these trespassers.

Who are you?

Oh, uh, we's Clampetts, ma'am.

Uh... I'm Jed. That's Granny.

Jethro, Elly May.

Uh, Maurice, show
these people the door.

Oh, no need to put him
to that trouble, ma'am.

We seen it when we come in.

I don't blame you for
being proud of it. It's pretty.

The whole place
is pretty, Reeny.

But you oughta dump this cider.

It's done turned on you.

Well, what do you want?

Why are you here?

Oh, pitch in and
help any way we can.

Yeah, shake out feed
sacks, undo the seams...

GRANNY: Wash and
iron and stitch 'em together.

Oil the sewing machines
and sweep up thread and stuff.

I can do most any kind of
carpentry work and heavy toting.

Oh, I see, you're
looking for employment.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, but I have
no work of an unskilled nature.

If you'll excuse
me just a moment.

Do you wish me to
telephone the police?

Oh, no. Above all we
must avoid a scene

or any kind of notoriety.

Just give them some
coins and send them away.

I'm afraid we have
no silver, Madame.

Oh, dear.

Don't they make some
rather small paper money

for such emergencies?

As small as one dollar.

Really?

Do we have any?

I hardly think so.

Ohh...

I'm afraid they might
become unpleasant

if we send them
away with nothing.

I have it. The coffee
machine in the back.

That may have some
coins in it. Go and see.

Will you be safe?

Oh, yes. They're
obviously gentle people.

Just poor.

Maurice has gone to see
if he can find some money.

We hardly ever have any cash.

Uh, young'uns,
you wait out front.

I'm sorry business has
been so bad, ma'am.

Well, no wonder.

There ain't as much
as a yard of goods

or a spool of thread or a
card of buttons for folks to buy.

Well, now, Granny,
it takes money

to lay in a stock,

and she just told us
she didn't have none.

Don't you worry, honey,

good times are on their way.

Jed here just bought
the whole building.

Yes, tha... that's wonderful.

Oh, shucks, wasn't nothin'.

He's got $40 million.

Yes... yes, of course.

JED: Well, now
if there's anything

you need, I hope you speak up.

Oh, I shall. I shall.

Madame Renée, I'm afraid

this is all we were
able to scrape together.

Seven dimes and two nickels.

Oh, I'm embarrassed
to say this is all we have.

But I want you to take
it and buy some food.

How much is it, Jed?

Only 80 cents.

Well, now, don't you
be embarrassed, ma'am.

You can buy a
lot of food for that.

Anything special
you'd like us to get?

Well, something
filling, I suppose.

We'll do it. Now you
keep your chin up.

Come on, Granny.

This your girl?

One of my girls.

A model.

Your favorite, huh?

Yes, as a matter of fact she is.

What'd you have
to eat today, honey?

Well, a glass of tomato
juice and some watercress.

But don't tell Madame Renée.

I'm not supposed to eat so much.

(clucks tongue)

Hmm.

Jed Clampett, you can
tell that banker Drysdale

that he made a sorry
business deal for you

when he bought this place.

Now, Granny...

Jethro, I got some
cipherin' for ya.

If a place takes
in 80 cents a week,

how long does it take to
take in a half a million dollars?

I'll get a piece of chalk and
go to cipheri" on the sidewalk.

JED: Never mind, Jethro.

Granny, we got to look on
this as a chance to help people.

Now look at Elly May here

just bustin' with health.

Think of that poor,
scrawny little girl

in there all skin and bones.

You're right, Jed.

And she's her favorite.

I hate to think what
the other girls look like.

Well, let's go out and get
'em a truckload of vittles.

With 80 cents?

We can afford to throw
in some of our own...

All the blessings
been showered on us.

Oh, I forgot to tell
you, Uncle Jed...

Found a $20 parking
ticket on our truck.

See what I mean, Granny?

Our cup is runnin' over.

Tell you what, Jethro,

we'll slip it in
with the vittles

for Miss Renée.

Come on.

Do you wish your
limousine, Madame?

No, thank you.

I'm only going to
the ice cream parlor.

Allow me to accompany
you across the street.

JETHRO: The street's
parked full of cars again.

GRANNY: They sure
ain't tradin' at our store,

that's a cinch.

JED: Everybody grab something.

We got a lot to tote in.

Tommi dear, I'm afraid
you're putting on weight.

You'd better cut down on
those seconds of watercress.

Yes, Madame.

Jed, she ain't
never gonna believe

we got all this for 80 cents.

Well, we'll tell her we
run into a special sale.

Good heavens.

Howdy, Reeny. We's here.

Hi there.

Hi, Reeny.

Oh, you're back.

You didn't think we
was gonna run off

with your 80 cents.

We done some shoppin' with it.

Run into a humdinger of a sale.

I told you good
times was on the way.

Come on, young'uns,
let's stow these vittles

out back whilst Granny
shows her the dry goods.

No, no, wait, stop.

Now, Reeny, pride is all right,

but it won't take the
wrinkles out of your belly

like taters and
cabbage and side meat.

But I can't let you do this.

But, ma'am, think of
your starvin' young'uns.

Oh, I think I'm going to faint.

Here, take a snort of this.

It'll get your blood to goin'.

Come on along, young'un,

and you and your sisters

get to peelin' and
cookin' them spuds.

First thing you know,
you'll flesh out like Elly here.

I'll help ya.

What's your name?

Tommi.

Oh, excuse me, young fella.

I thought you was a girl.

You look a lot like your
sister was here before.

Hey, Tommy, you better
get out of those fancy pants.

Folks is gonna
think you're a sissy.

Beats that sour cider
all holler, don't it?

Drink up, honey, it'll make
the world seem rosier right off.

JED: Granny, can
I see you a minute?

Excuse me.

They's worse off than
we thought, Granny.

They ain't even got
a kitchen out back.

And no bedrooms
at all that I can see.

JETHRO: Uncle Jed, Granny!

I think it's too late
to save this one.

She's stiff as a board.

Come on, we got to
save the rest of 'em!

This'll do it if anything can.

Fetch her in, Jethro.

There's still color
in her cheeks.

Golly, ma'am, I don't know
how to tell you how sorry I am.

Oh! Bonjour, Madame Renée.

Comment allez-vous?

Madame... Madame?

By George, I think
the old girl is stoned.

Monsieur Drysdale...
Mademoiselle...

Êtes-vous malade, Madame?

Mais non...

My shop was invaded by
some strange looking creatures.

Pink elephants?

Purple dragons?

No, they... they... (screaming)

There they are!

But these are the Clampetts.

They are the new
owners of your dress shop.

And we's takin' over right now.

Every one of them
girls back there

is comin' to our house
to get fattened up.

But I need them.

I'm giving a fashion
show at 5:00.

Now, you forget about it, Reeny.

We'll mind the store
and put on the show.

Mr. Clampett, may I
have another snort...

uh, sip of that
delicious vintage?

Yes, ma'am. I'd go
kind of easy, though.

That stuff has
got quite a jolt to it.

Is it Mumm's?

No, ma'am... Granny.

Quiet, everybody.

Now, now, now,
now, quieten down.

Now, Miss Reeny and her girls

is takin' a rest cure
to get fattened up.

But you is gonna see the
show that was promised to ya.

All right, Elly May,
folks is a-waitin'.

Shake a leg out here.

(audience murmuring approval)

That's lovely. That's nice.

ALL: Oh!

By George, she makes
a beautiful model.

That's it, honey.

Strut real proud.

I taught her that walk,

and gave her those turns.

The turns might be yours,
but those curves are her own.

Now this is one of
Reeny's favorite dresses.

What am I bid for this?

Bid? Is this an auction?

All right, ladies,
let's hear a bid.

Twelve fifty.

Twelve fifty?!

Are you out of your
cotton-pickin' mind?

Very well... 15.

Sold for $15.

That's ridiculous.

Now, ladies, it's her money.

If she wants to throw it
away, that's her business.

Next dress, Elly.

(oohs and ahs)

Oh! Isn't that beautiful!

Now, that looks like it was made

out of a right nice piece
of store-bought yard goods.

What am I bid for this?

Eighteen fifty.

Sold, and don't give her
any more rhuematiz medicine.

GRANNY: All right, let's
start the bidding on this dress.

Do I hear $3?

GRANNY: Now here
comes a real foot-stomper.

(women gasping)

(scattered applause)

Now, June will be with
us before you know it.

And I reckon there's more
than one of you women

that has a daughter that
you're lookin' to get shed of.

By dingies, you put her in this

when you bring
her to that church,

and you won't need no shotgun.

Ain't that something?

The goods under there is
slicker than a toad's belly.

And that's first-class
cheesecloth on top, too.

All right, let's hear it.

What am I bid for this?

I bid...

You hush up and give
somebody else a chance!

All right, now let's hear it.

What am I bid for
this wedding dress?

I'll pay any price if
Jethro comes with it.

Sold to Miss Jane.

And Jethro will come
with it this evening.

But-but-but-but...
Don't worry, Miss Jane,

if he's got a date
I'll fetch it to ya.

Show's over.

(whistles)

Well, Jethro, we sold
every dress in the store.

Have you ciphered up
how much that amounts to?

Uh, yes, sir.

It comes to pretty near $50.

Why, that'll keep
Reeny and her girls

in vittles for months.

Gives you a warm feeling
to help folks in need, don't it?

Yes, sir, Pa. Hey, Uncle Jed!

Look, there's another
parking ticket on our truck.

Well, young'uns, let
that be a lesson to ya...

The more you give,
the more you get.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.