The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 27 - The Bank Raising - full transcript

Mr. Drysdale is having a ground-breaking ceremony for a new bank building and the Clampetts think they need to pitch in to help build it. Meanwhile Mr. Drysdale's associates try to get stock market tips off of Jed.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Great gallopi" bullfrogs!

Where you goin' in
that city dude getup?

Well, Granny, I told you,

Mr. Drysdale is fixin'
to build a new bank,

and he invited me
to the festivities.

And you're wearing them clothes,

as many barn
raising's you been to?

This ain't gonna be
no barn raisin', Granny.

Barn raisin', bank raisin',
what's the difference?

There's dirt to
shovel, cement to mix,

boards to be
sawed and nailed up.

You'll ruin them clothes!

Mr. Drysdale's the one

that sent me these fancy duds.

He wouldn't have done that

if he expected
me to work in 'em.

You mean you ain't
gonna help your neighbor

when he's got a
buildin' to raise?

Granny, I kind of
think Mr. Drysdale's

gonna build this
bank city style:

hire strangers to do it.

When a man has able-bodied
neighbors and friends

and has to hire
strangers to help him,

I say the world has
took a sorry turn!

(whistles)

Boy, ain't Pa something?

He looks like a
president or somethin',

don't he, Granny?

Yeah, he does bear a resemblance

to Jeff Davis, yeah.

Well, it's gettin'
on time I gotta

be gettin' down to
Mr. Drysdale's office.

Has Jethro finished
washin' the car yet?

Oh, he's havin' it washed, Pa.

Havin' it washed?

Yes, Jed, city
style... Hirin' strangers

to do his work for him!

Well, Jethro says
they's a new place

in the neighborhood
where they wash your car

in just three minutes.

Three minutes?

Yes, sir, and he
wanted to try it out.

(horn honking)

Why, he's back already.

Boy, you are soppin' wet!

Yeah, that's the last time I go

to that there
automatic car wash!

What happened, Jethro?

They like to drowned
me, that's what happened!

I drove into this here
place, and this fella says,

"Hop out, buddy,
I'll take that truck."

I says, "You won't, neither,"

so I followed some arrows around

into this here tunnel.

I no sooner got inside,

this dad-blamed
cyclone busted loose!

A cyclone?

Worser!

Why, water
commenced to hittin' me

from every direction, steam
shot up through the floor

and wind pert near
blew me off the seat!

Did you complain
about it, Jethro?

Uncle Jed, as soon as I got out

of that tunnel, I took off

like a scalded dog!

Serves you right

for not doin' the job yourself!

Yes'm, Granny.

(sneezes)

ALL: Bless you.

Now get into some
dry clothes, boy.

I'm due over to
Mr. Drysdale's office.

Milburn Drysdale...
J.P. Morgan...

Baron Rothschild...
Milburn Drysdale.

Yes, it has that
"big-money" sound.

One day, it will be
Drysdale National Bank.

(door opening)

Excuse me, Chief.

Miss Billington is here
from Beverly Caterers.

How many are you expecting

for the pre-groundbreaking
reception?

Oh, just a handful of VRPs.

VRPs?

Very rich people.

I believe the
expression is VIP...

very important people.

When you're rich...

you're important.
You're important.

When will I ever learn?

Would you like to take a look

at our building site, my dear?

Oh, may I, Mr. Drysdale?

Well, of course.

Step right over
here to the window.

Chief, she has
preparations to make.

Miss Billington is a
very valuable PR woman.

PR... public relations.

Possible rich woman.

With her looks, she
may marry a millionaire

and put his money in my bank.

Now, right over there
is the big clearing, see?

Oh, yes, they're putting
up some sort of stage.

DRYSDALE: That's
the speakers' platform.

I'll be sitting there
with all the VRPs.

And right over there
is the big sign, see?

BILLINGTON: Yes,
New Commerce Bank.

Gee, Mr. Drysdale,

why don't you call it
the Drysdale Bank?

The thought never
occurred to me.

What do you think,
Miss Hathaway?

I think Miss Billington
should get back

to the kind of catering
for which she was hired.

(knock at door)

Are we interrupting
something, Milburn?

We can come back later.

John, Fleming, how are you?

You've met my
secretary, Miss Hathaway.

Yes. How do you do?

And this young lady
is from the caterer.

Caterer?

Say, you're doing
this thing up brown.

Well, it-it isn't every day

I put up a new bank.

With your help, of course.

Miss Billington, take good
care of these gentlemen.

They are captains of industry,

financial wizards, both of them.

Mr. Drysdale, it
will be an honor

and a privilege, and
of course a pleasure

to serve such distinguished
and handsome gentlemen.

You're right, Chief,
she is a PR woman.

Well, uh, where is JD Clampett?

There is a financial
wizard that I want to meet!

He'll be along any minute.

You're in for a surprise, John.

To talk to him, you'd think
he was a big old hillbilly

who doesn't know the difference

between a tax-free
municipal bond

and a Dow Jones stock average.

All the time, that
shrewd mind is going

like an electronic
computing machine.

(chuckles) He must be fabulous.

I hear that less than two
years ago, he was broke.

He didn't have one penny.

Today, I would
estimate his net worth

at around $40 million.

$40 million... well!

I don't mind
telling you, Milburn,

that's the reason
I'm in this deal.

When I heard that JD
Clampett was putting money

into this new bank
venture of yours,

I said, "Fleming, get
on the gravy train."

Uh, me, too, Milburn.

I'll ride Clampett's
bandwagon any day.

Oh, uh, Jethro,
you wanna come in

and say hello to Miss Jane?

Oh, no, sir, Uncle Jed.

She might take to
chasin' me again.

I'll wait here.

Oh, uh, did you bring along

one of them tickets
the policeman give us

for parkin' here?
Well, yes, sir.

I've got a five dollar one.

How long can you
park here for that?

Well, they's a gadget
down the street

that says parking is
ten cents a hour, so...

uh, let's see,

that ten cents goes
into five dollars.

Uh, that's 500 cents.

Uh, one into five is five.

Uh, naught into
naught is naught.

Uh, bring down the
five and the naught,

and we bring down
a extra naught,

subtract naught from naught

and naught from
naught and five from five.

Mm, doggies, you
sure can cipher!

Thank you, Uncle Jed.

Uh, this here is what
you call long division.

Now, I got a naught,
naught and naught

down here and a ten up yonder.

Now all I got to do

is put the ten into
the three naughts

and bring down
the decimal point.

Jethro, uh, I ain't
got long enough

for long division.

I don't want to keep
Mr. Drysdale waitin'.

Well, all I got to do

is put the ten into
the three naughts

and figure out where
the decimal goes.

Well, you figure it out

and park here your
five dollars' worth.

If I ain't back by then,

you ask the policeman
to give you another ticket.

Remember to say
"please" and "thank you."

Folks appreciates good
manners in a young'un.

Yes, sir.

Well, how about a
toast to the new bank?

I'm for that.

To the Drysdale Nat...

oh, uh, the New Commerce Bank.

Doggone it, Milburn,
where is JD Clampett?

I had hopes of getting some tips

on the market from him

before the stock
exchange closes.

Me, too, I want to ask him

about grain futures.

Well, forget it, boys.

JD Clampett knows
nothing about the market.

I do all his investing for him.

Don't you wish
you were that smart!

I'll bet Clampett throws
away better information

than I pay my
market analyst for.

Well, here is to JD Clampett,

the lone eagle of finance.

To Clampett!

Clampett.

(door opening)

Oh, greetings, Mr. Clampett.

Hi there, Miss Jane.

Remember me, Mr. Clampett?

You bet I do!

I'd remember even if
you didn't have the name

wrote right on your dress there.

How are you, Beverly?

I'm Marion Billington.

Well, he's a mighty lucky man.

Oh, say, uh, Granny wanted

to send along some
of her crawdad dip.

We went to every
market in Beverly Hills,

and would you believe it,

they ain't a crawdad to be had!

And they call
this a modern city.

(jazz playing)

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Uh, excuse me, Milburn,

we'd like to ask JD a question.

Now, John, I told you,
you boys aren't going

to get anything
out of Mr. Clampett.

Oh, just one question.

What can I do for
you, gentlemen?

Well, if somebody
should buy a lot

of wheat right now, say...

say a million bushels,

what do you think they'd make?

Well, Mr. Pendleton, uh,

I reckon they'd
make a lot of bread.

What did he mean by that?

Fleming, you are square.

"Bread" is hip talk for money.

It is?

Yes, now get on the
horn to your broker

and start buying wheat futures.

That's a mighty big piece
of ground, Mr. Drysdale.

Is your new bank gonna
cover that whole field?

Oh, no, no, just
a little portion of it.

We'll be right in the middle
of a huge development.

Compared to some
of the newer buildings,

our bank will be quite small.

Hors d'oeuvres?

Uh, no, thank you.

No, thank you, ma'am.

Mr. Clampett,
what was that again

you were trying to
buy in the market?

I thought I'd tell my boss,

so he could get some.

Oh, that's crawdad.

Crawdad?

Just common crawdad.

You can't get it in
the market out here?

That's right, they don't
seem to know about it yet.

You tell your boss to buy all
that he can get his hands on.

He'll make himself
a heap of money.

Thank you, I will.

Oh, that's great. Good, good.

Is that New York?

Ned Lentini.

Give me that phone.

Ned, this is John Lucus.

Now, listen very carefully,
this is a real hot tip.

I want you to buy
Crawdad, all you can get.

That's right: Crawdad.

So what?

A few years ago, nobody
ever heard of Xerox.

Hello, Ned, Fleming again.

Buy me some of
that Crawdad, too.

What?

Common or preferred?

Just common Crawdad.

Uh, Crawdad common.

Common, but see
what preferred is doing.

All you can.

Yeah, and let us know.

All right.

And Drysdale said we couldn't

get anything out of Clampett.

(knock at door)
DRYSDALE: Open up!

Unlock this door!
Let me in there.

Yes, come in.

Oh, what's the idea?

We've got to be getting over

to the building site.

Miss Hathaway?
Right here, Chief.

Do we have the gold shovel

for the groundbreaking
ceremonies?

Indeed, we have, plus
hammer, saw, trowel

and a gold nail in honor

of the golden anniversary
of Beverly Hills.

Good, good.

Now, if we hurry, we
can get pictures taken

in time for the evening papers.

Well, I want my picture
taken with Mr. Clampett.

Me, too.

Now, why would anybody want

their picture taken
with me at all?

Well, you're helping to build

this bank, Mr. Clampett.

I am?

You and 10,000 other depositors.

With one little shovel?

(all laughing)

Chief, will you be
wanting me to go with you

to the groundbreaking
ceremonies?

No, you stay here
and look after things.

Like to ride with
me, Mr. Clampett?

Well, no thank you,
I got Jethro waitin'

and I got a stop to make.

Well, see ya'll at
the bank raisin'.

(chuckling)

All right, gentlemen,
we're ready to go.

"Bank raisin'".

See how casual he
takes building a new bank.

Oh, maybe we'd be that
casual if we had his money.

And we will have,

now that we've cornered
the Crawdad market!

(laughing)

Who's trading in Crawdad?

I'll take all the
Crawdad I can get!

Who's selling Crawdad?
I want Crawdad common!

(overlapping chatter)

Crawdad!

Who's trading? Crawdad.

Naught into naught is naught.

Five into naught is naught.

Naught into five is...

Head for home, Jethro.

Oh, our parkin'
time ain't up yet.

Head for home anyway.

I gotta get into workin' clothes

an' get some tools
in this truck. What for?

I'm going to help
Mr. Drysdale build his bank.

Is that gonna be like
barn raisin' back home?

Yep, Granny was right.

Only this is gonna be
bigger'n any barn raisin'!

There's gonna be 10,000
people pitchin' into this job!

Yee-haw!

10,000 people?!

That's what Uncle Jed told me.

I ain't never seen
that many people

in all my life!

Well, me neither!

Well, that's one of the
reasons we come home first,

to take you two along.

Figured you wouldn't want
to miss a sight like that.

Well, Jed, ain't
they just gonna get

in each another's way?

There's a good
chance of that, Granny,

especially with the
pitiful few tools they got.

Did you load our tools
on the truck, Jethro?

Oh, yes sir, Uncle Jed.

Well, come on,
let's get goin'. Oh.

Wait a minute, Jed.

Don't you think that we
oughta tote along some vittles

and a jug or two?

Like we always
do at a barn raisin'?

Sounds like a good idea, Granny.

Jethro, snatch that pot of grits

and jowls off'n the stove
and fetch it out to the truck.

Yes, ma'am, Granny. Elly May,

you draw off a jug of my
new rheumatiz medicine.

Yes'm, Granny.

Granny, Mr. Drysdale's
gonna be right obliged to you.

He was servin' some
little glasses of cider

down to the office, but, uh,

stuff had done turned.

Left it work too long, huh?

I tell you, it had gassed
up somethin' awful!

You got to know the right time

to tap a keg of cider.

He had that little, uh,

Beverly Caterer servin' vittles.

That's the little girl that
Jethro is so sweet on!

Yeah, but she's going
to marry somebody else.

No! Oh, it's all for the best.

She'd have starved
Jethro to death in two days.

That woman serves the
skimpiest helpin's I ever did see!

You don't say.

Sandwiches no bigger
than your thumbnail!

And you know what
kinda eggs they eat?

What?

Fish eggs!

Fish eggs?!

She called 'em, uh, caviar.

Little bitty things.

A mess of 'em on a
cracker looks for all the world

like a charge of soggy buckshot!

Did the folks eat 'em?

Granny, you wouldn't
believe the way them city folks

was puttin' away fish
eggs and sour cider!

Mr. Drysdale ain't gonna
have his bank put up

in a hurry with
them kind of vittles.

Put it in the back
of the truck Jethro.

Yes, sir.

Now them's vittles that
I call stick to your ribs!

We'll save them for
the hardest workers.

Good idea, Granny.

Let 'er roll, Jethro.

We's late for the barn raisin'.

Bank raisin'.

Yeah. Yee-haw!

(blows harmonica chord) ♪ Oh! ♪

♪ We'll take along our vittles ♪

♪ And we'll take along our jug ♪

ALL: ♪ And we'll
take along a shovel ♪

♪ Just to see a hole is dug ♪

♪ We'll raise a dandy buildin' ♪

♪ And we'll raise
the dickens, too ♪

♪ And when we get it finished
up it all belongs to you! ♪

We're just about ready to
go on the air, Mr. Drysdale.

Well, Mr-Mr.
Clampett isn't here yet!

We can't start without him!

Well, I'm afraid we'll have to.

This is a direct broadcast

and my cue comes
up in 30 seconds.

All right, all right, I'll,
I'll stretch my speech.

What do you suppose
happened to Clampett?

He's probably on the
phone to his stockbroker.

Yeah, trying to find out

who cornered the Crawdad market.

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen,

this is Bill Baldwin bringing
you another in our series

of on-the-spot broadcasts
over station KBH,

the Voice of Beverly Hills.

And remember our
slogan of the week...

"Drive carefully,

protect our millionaires."

Today, ladies and gentlemen,

we're speaking to you

from one of the few
remaining vacant lots

in our fair city.

Soon, this barren
expanse of earth will bloom

with steel and
concrete skyscrapers,

and fair among them
will be the edifice

for which we're
breaking ground today...

the New Commerce
Bank of Beverly Hills!

(applause)

Milburn Drysdale, President!

(applause)

Here he is in person,

the handsome, suave,
debonair main of finance,

Mr. Milburn Drysdale.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Honored guests,
citizens of Beverly Hills,

ladies and gentlemen
of radio land...

Two score and ten years ago,

our forefathers made their
way west from Pasadena

into what is now Beverly Hills.

And they built the first crude

40 and 50-room mansions,

some of which still stand.

These brave people
were seeking freedom

in the wide open
spaces... (horn honking)

(whistling, cheering
and laughing)

Ladies and gentlemen,
for you listening on radio

let me explain
that the commotion

and laughter is being caused

by a truck full of
disreputable vagrants.

And here they come again.

They've circled the stand.

Somehow this motley
collection of tramps

made their way inside the
city limits of Beverly Hills,

careened past our
speakers' platform

obviously intoxicated. Please!

Don't worry,
Mr. Drysdale, the police will

have those drunks
under arrest in no time!

But this is Mr. Clampett,
my guest of honor!

(chuckles)

We return you now to our studios

for a brief interlude
of recorded music.

Jed, I thought you said

about 10,000 people
was gonna be here

to help raise this bank.

That's what Miss Jane
said they was countin' on.

Well, all but about a hundred
of 'em changed their mind!

Well, don't worry
about that, Granny.

We raised some mighty fine barns

with less than that.

Who's this goomer a-comin'?

We're back on the air
again, ladies and gentlemen,

from the site of the
New Commerce Bank.

Can't says I know, Granny.

But it looks like he lost
the bulb out of his light.

It is now my honor and
privilege to bring you an interview

with one of the leading
citizens of Beverly Hills,

Mr. J.D. Clampett.

Mr. Clampett, I wonder if we
might have a word from you, sir.

Howdy.

(laughs)

Is that all you have to say?

That's all I can
get into one word.

I didn't mean it literally.

You see, Mr. Clampett,
you're on the radio.

Oh, I'm sorry,

I thought it was
just a pile of lumber.

What I mean is, Mr. Clampett,

when you talk into
this microphone

thousands of people are
listening in their homes.

Why ain't all you

good-for-nothin'
loafers out here

to help raise this bank?

We return you once
again to our studio

for another brief interlude
of recorded music.

Hey, Granny, you know somethin'?

I been all over this place.

And they ain't got no vittles!

You hungry, Jethro?

Well, heck no. Well
then, stop worryin'.

When you get hungry
there's a whole potful of grits

and jowls on the truck.

Not no more, that's
why I ain't hungry.

ELLY MAY: Hey, Pa!

They want you to come
over and get your picture took.

I don't care if I get
my picture took, Elly.

I'll just set here till
they commence work.

Well, they better commence
or the sun's gonna set on 'em!

That's for sure.

Ain't more'n about two
good worki" hours left!

Hey, Pa, they's commencin' now!

Look, Mr. Drysdale's
goin' to shov'lin!

Mr. Drysdale is now
putting a foot on the shovel,

and attempting to get
the first feet of dirt...

which seems to be a little
tough to do right at this time.

Very successful with
a small spade of dirt.

Cameramen are
taking pictures of him.

You call that shov'lin'!?

Them city folks sure
think a heap of it!

They's clappin' to
beat the dickens.

They's takin' a
picture of him, too.

Well, he sure tired quick.

He's handin' his shovel
to them other fellas.

And now, Mr. Lucus
and Mr. Pendleton

are both on the shovel and...

Why, the two of 'em together
can't dig worth shucks!

Folks is clappi" again and
they's takin' more pictures.

Look! Now all three
of 'em's goin' at it!

Mr. Drysdale, Mr. Pendleton,
and Mr. Lucus all pick up

a full spade of dirt
with a golden shovel

for the Commerce
Bank of Beverly Hills.

Did you see that, Jed?

Pitiful! Just pitiful!

They better figure on buildin'
this bank without a cellar!

Well, it looks like that's
what they're gonna do.

Mr. Drysdale is
leavin' with the shovel.

(applause)

DRYSDALE: Good-bye, good-bye.

Where's he goin'?

I reckon he had to get
back to the old bank

to pack up all the
money and stuff

and move it over here.

With all the rest of
his friends helpin',

I betcha we can build his
new bank before he gets back!

Well, let's get to it!

Where's everybody goin'?

Dogged if I know.

GRANNY: Shame on you lazy

loafers! (Elly May whistles)

ELLY MAY: Come back!

Hey, there's a
bank to be put up!

(whistling) Come back!

(whistling continues)

(whistling) You're whistli"

to the wind, Elly May.

Them fair-weather
friends are scatterin'

like young'uns
let out of school!

The minute poor
Mr. Drysdale's back is turned.

Well, we might as
well go home, too.

Now, hold on.

Mr. Drysdale
finds out about this

it'll break his heart.

Well, what can we do, Pa?

We can put up his bank for
him, that's what we can do!

Just us?

It'll get dark on us, Jed!

Full moon tonight.

We can work right on
through if we have to!

Now, Jethro, you and me'll
commence totin' the lumber.

Elly May, you get the tools.

Granny, you take
this sharp stick

and mark off a
bank on the ground.

I ain't never marked off a bank.

There's a first
time for everything.

Now come on, get busy!

Oh, good morning, Chief!

Good morning.

How did the groundbreaking
ceremonies go?

Oh, a little chaotic

but the ground
finally got broken.

Mmm, it's going to be

a beautiful structure! Yes.

I can't wait to see those
steel girders start to rise.

Well, they should be bringing

in the heavy
equipment anytime now.

I can't believe it!

What is it, Chief?
What do you see?

Never mind. You
wouldn't believe it either!

Now let's get over there.

Well, Jethro, considerin' the
moon was behind the clouds

most of the night, we throwed
up a right tolerable barn.

A bank.

Yeah. Hey, Pa!

Here's the only piece of
lumber outta that whole pile

that we ain't used.

Well, we hadn't
oughta waste it, Elly.

I'll tell you what, Jethro,

you paint "Welcome" on there

and we'll nail it to the
front door right here.

Yes, sir.

Well, how's thing
goin' inside, Granny?

Jed, it's a
tromped-down-hard dirt floor,

but by dingies, it's clean!

(car horn honking)

Mornin', Mr. Drysdale,
Miss Jane.

What is this?

That's your new bank!

Yeah, we'd have made it
bigger but we run out of lumber.

Did you four build this?

You can bet your life that we...

Uh, Mr. Drysdale's friends
built this bank for him.

Just like he was
countin' on 'em to.

Yeah, that-that's
right. They did.

They sure did. Yeah.

They did.

It was a dandy bank raisin'!

Too bad you missed it.

It's a magnificent bank.

Isn't it, Chief?

Oh, yes! It's great!

It's beautiful! It's terrific!

It's fabulous.

It's stupendous!
Mr. Drysdale... Yeah?

Your friends done the best
they could with what was here.

But if I was you, I'd
give some thought

to puttin' up a bigger,
stouter buildin' later on,

with maybe, uh, bricks
and cement and all.

By golly, I may just
take your advice!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.