The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 26 - Another Neighbor - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Whatcha cookin', Granny?

Done cooked and cooled.

That's my spring tonic.

Hmm, got a dandy
head on it this year.

How come you cooked
up such a big batch?

You fixin' to tonic the
whole town of Beverly Hills?

That's just a starter.

Then I'm gonna commence
on the rest of the country.

Everybody?

No, just the Demicrats
and the Republicans.

They need tonic-ing, do they?

Why, Jed, they is
in such bad shape,

one party can't walk and the
other one can't even stand up.

Who told you that?

They did.

I've been watching the TV.

The Republicans
claim that the Demicrats

is draggin' their feet.

And the Demicrats
come back and say

that the Republicans
ain't got a leg

to stand on.

You got to remember,
Granny, come election time,

them two parties says a lot
of things about each other.

That's why I ain't
takin' no chances.

I'm tonic-ing both sides.

I'm glad to see
you ain't partial.

I'll say this...

You get enough of your
tonic into them two parties,

and this country's gonna
have one rip-snortin' election.

That's why I made it
extra strong this year.

I figured a little will
have to go a long way.

Now go ahead, help yourself.

Well, I'll tell ya,
Granny, uh...

you ought to go
first, it's your tonic.

Yeah.

I have been feeling
a little stove-up lately.

A little achy in the joints...

and not too spry.

Probably city livin'.

Probably. Well... (chuckles)

here's lookin' at ya, Jed.

Granny, ya ain't lookin' at me.

Whah! Oh!

Water... Water!

I gotta have water!

Something tells me folks are
gonna talk about this election

for years to come.

And if at first glance

this tax burden might
seem somewhat staggering,

I feel certain...
(knocking at door)

Excuse me, I'm sorry...

I told you no interruptions!

I told you no interruptions!

But it's Mrs. Drysdale.

It's Mrs. Drysdale.

And she insists on
talking to her husband.

She insists on ta...
I heard the original.

Tell her I'm not
in. He's not in.

Every time that woman gets on
the telephone the whole day is shot!

But she... No buts!

No buts!

It's talk, talk, talk...
Always the same story.

(imitating Margaret): "Oh, Milburn,
those dreadful hillbillies are at it again.

"Oh, Milburn, what shall I do?

Oh, Milburn, come home."

Oh, Milburn!

(simpering chuckle)

Oh, my!

Why wasn't I told my lovely
wife was here in person?

Why wasn't he told his lovely
wife was here in person?!

(sobbing): I'm sorry!

Everybody out!

While I take this beautiful
creature in my arms and comfort her.

Couldn't I just have
a small raise instead?

Out!

Out!

You, too!

Right, Chief.

Now... what brings
my lovely wife here

to brighten up my dreary day?

Milburn, those
dreadful hillbillies...

hillbillies are at it
again. Are at it again.

Well, what is it
this time, dear?

They're going to ruin the
social event of the year.

Which is?

The Countess Maria von
Holstein is returning to Beverly Hills.

No. Yes!

Well, who's she?

Oh, Milburn, really!

The Countess
Maria is the absolute,

unchallenged leader
of the continental jet set.

No! Yes!

Who're they?

They are the avant-garde
of international society.

They jet to the
Riviera for the sun,

to Innsbruck for the
skiing, to Paris for clothes,

to Las Vegas for divorces.

They practically
live on jet planes.

Margaret, I can't think
of two groups of people

more dissimilar than the
Clampetts and this jerk set.

Jet set.

Same difference.
They'll never meet.

Now I'm very busy, dear...

But they will meet. The
Countess has leased

the mansion on the other
side of the Clampetts.

Margaret, in cities
like Beverly Hills,

people can live
out their whole lives

without ever meeting
their next-door neighbor.

Now run along,
dear... I am very busy...

Milburn, will you let me finish?

Let you? I'll pay a cash bonus.

Granny is going
about the neighborhood

distributing a vile concoction

she calls "tonic."

She left this at our house.

If that little hillbilly
witch doctor

calls on the Countess,

Her Ladyship may jet
back to the continent.

If she drinks this, she may
jet back without a plane.

(car door opens and shuts)

Begging Your Ladyship's pardon,

but are you quite certain
you'll be able to walk?

Walk? My dear
Humphrey, I can fly.

Thanks to this magic elixir.

Isn't it amazing?
I've traveled the world

searching for the secret
of youth and vitality,

only to find it here in this quaint,
sleepy little village of Beverly Hills.

Are you sure the little gypsy
woman who makes this tonic

lives here... in this mansion?

Yes, Madame.

Her exact words were,

"Howdy, neighbor,
we'uns lives yonder"

and pointed to this house.

Oh! Well, as one of my
husbands used to say,

"It takes many hounds
to make the pack."

That was your fifth
husband, Madame, the Earl.

Oh, yes, charming man.

You know, Humphrey,
I may marry again.

Possibly an American this time.

Begging your pardon, Madame,

I don't believe there
are any titled Americans.

Oh, well, who cares?
I've married a count,

a duke, a baron, a
marquis, and an earl.

This time I want a man
with red blood in his veins.

Well, howdy, ma'am.

I see you come for a refill.

Step right in.

Granny, lady here
needs some more tonic.

You know... I think
I'm in love with you.

Never mind, Granny,
she's had enough.

JETHRO: Hey, Granny...

Granny, you hadn't
oughta left this pan of tonic

foam out by the kettle.

Where'd it go to?

Old Duke and Elly's
rabbit lapped it up.

Are they all right?

Oh, sure, it didn't
hurt 'em none.

But that old
hound dog is sitting

in the top of the ellum
tree steady as a squirrel.

In the top of the ellum tree?

Well, how did he get up there?

Your rabbit chased him up.

Go get him down, Elly.

Yes'm, Granny.

Be careful, Elly.

Now he growled at me.

I ain't scared of ol' Duke.

It wasn't Duke...
It was the rabbit.

I hope them Demicrats
and Republicans

don't go to scrappi"
when I tonic them.

JED: Now get a-hold
of yourself, ma'am.

To the best of my recollections,

we ain't even met before.

I reckon you got me
confused with somebody else.

Who's she, Jed?

Somebody wantin' tonic?

Yes. Yes, and make
it a double this time.

Now hold on, Granny.

Don't worry, Jed,
I know that look.

She's been over-tonic'ed.

Jethro, leave the room.

Aw, shucks, Granny.

Boy, do what your granny says.

I'm always gettin' throwed out.

I'm gonna get married
and have my own house

and throw other folks out.

Get her settin' down, Jed.

I'll fetch some catnip tea.

That'll work again' the tonic.

Uh... won't you
set a spell, ma'am?

Yes.

Is she gettin' a-hold
of herself, Jed?

No, Granny.

So fer, it's mostly me.

Now, here.

Swallow that.

Granny, I reckon you better

commence cuttin'
your tonic for city folks.

Appears to be a might
too powerful for 'em.

I reckon I better.

How you feelin' now, ma'am?

Fine, thank you.

Are you the little lady
who makes this tonic?

I am.

This here's Granny.
I'm Jed Clampett.

And the young'uns, Elly
May and Jethro is outdoors.

And Mrs. Clampett?

Well, I'm a widower, ma'am.

Well, we really must
get better acquainted.

I happen to be unattached.

You need hookin' up, I'll do it.

Granny, I reckon that
was just the tonic talkin'.

I mean I have no
husband... at the moment.

I'm the Countess Maria.

Countess?

Yes.

My last husband was an earl.

Oh, well, I got a cousin that
pretty near married an Earl.

Really?

Yeah, Earl Scruggs.
You know him?

No, I don't believe so.

Maybe you know his
partner, Lester Flatt.

No.

They's on the Grand Ol' Opry.

Oh, opera stars.

Yeah. Down there
with Minnie Pearl.

Do you know her?

I'm afraid not.

How about the Duke of Paducah?

No, no, I don't.

I know several
dukes, but not that one.

I've just had a perfectly
marvelous idea.

I'll give a huge party,
so that your friends

and my friends
can get acquainted.

And so can we.

Well, that's mighty neighborly
of you, Miss Countess.

Or is it Missus?

Just call me Maria.

Granny, instead of champagne,

may I serve your tonic?

Well, I don't know, Marie.

Oh, please. It'll
simply make the party.

What do you think, Jed?

Well, Granny, why not?

You was figuring on tonic-ing
the whole town anyway.

Save ya a heap of walkin'
pushing that wheelbarrow.

Serve it flowing from a fountain

into a huge punch bowl.

We'll call it the
Fountain of Youth.

JETHRO: Granny?

Granny, Mrs. Drysdale
dumped your whole kettle of tonic

into the cement pond.

What?! All of it?

Yeah, must have
been 15, 20 gallons.

Who is this Mrs. Drysdale?

Why, she's the meanest,
orneriest, no-good, low-down...

Now, Granny...

You see, ma'am, Mrs.
Drysdale is high society.

Her husband is president
of the Commerce Bank

and she never has cottoned
to us living next door.

I'll fix her!

Please, Granny, let
me have that pleasure.

I know just how to deal with
these so-called high society women.

You won't hurt
her, will ya, ma'am?

I promise you, I won't
lay a hand on her.

You did what?!

I dumped the entire mess
into their swimming pool.

Margaret!

Sit down and listen to me.

It was you who moved
those loutish hillbillies

into our lovely neighborhood.

Now then, it is I who
shall move them out.

Now, dear, let's talk this over.

Sit down.

The time for talk is passed.

It's time for action.

And if you're too
weak to take it,

I am not.

Somebody has to
make Beverly Hills

safe for people of breeding.

(knocking at door)

Excuse me.

I told you no interruptions.

I told you no interruptions.

Oh, sit down, Milburn.

I wouldn't interrupt, but...

the Countess is here.

The Countess?!

She wants to see you.

Oh...!

Milburn, did you hear that?

Stand up.

Mrs. Drysdale, I presume.

Oh, yes, Your Ladyship.

I'm giving a party,

and I wanted you to be
the first to know about it.

What an honor!

Not only am I inviting the
cream of Beverly Hills society,

but Newport, Santa Barbara,
Pasadena will be represented.

I have many friends there.

And of course,
members of the nobility

will be jetting in from
all over the continent.

Oh...

Lords and ladies,
dukes and duchesses,

perhaps a few princes
and a king and queen or two.

Oh...!

And now, Mrs. Drysdale, we
come to my guests of honor...

Those people whom I consider

to be the first family
of Beverly Hills.

Oh, Your Ladyship,

surely you don't
mean the Drysdales?

I surely don't.

I mean the Clampetts.

The-The... The
Cla-C-C-Clampetts?

Your next-door neighbors.

Oh!

Those Clampetts.

How... w-w-wonderful.

They're my dearest friends.

Really?

What a shame you're
not invited to the party.

Good day.

Oh, but, uh, Countess,
Your Ladyship,

surely that's not
your last word?

No, my last word is this:

if you ever tamper with
another drop of Granny's tonic,

I shall buy Beverly
Hills and, uh...

and exile the both of you.

Oh, but... Your Countess-ship!

So that's what did it.

She likes Granny's tonic.

The Countess
called me a fat frump.

It's Milburn's fault.

If he'd taken action
when I told him to,

this tragedy could've
been averted.

Milburn, you
spineless jellyfish!

Don't just sit there,
do something.

Yes, Margaret, I think I will.

Something I should
have done a long time ago.

(thud)

Milburn, that look!

I don't like it.

(Mrs. Drysdale screams)

Milburn!

(whacking) Aah!

What's happening?

He's paddling her.

Oh, there you are, Uncle Jed.

Hey, listen, can I...?

Ooh-whoo!

Hot diggity darn!

How come you're so all duded up?

'Cause I'm going for a ride.

All right, I'll get the truck.

Oh, never mind.

I'm going with a
neighbor in their car.

You all dressed up like
that for Mr. Drysdale?

It ain't Mr. Drysdale
I'm going with.

Mrs. Drysdale?

Jethro, why don't you
set up your granny's kettle

so she can make
another batch of tonic?

Granny can't make no more tonic.

She's done run out of yarbs
and roots and berries and things.

Well, then you go
get her some more.

Only place I can get
more is back home.

And that'd take a week.

Well, say howdy for me
while you're back there.

Uncle Jed, I'm commencing
to figure something out.

You don't want me around
when that somebody comes

to go riding with you...

'cause she is a woman.

That's how come you're
wearing your courtin' clothes.

And shaved your face

and put that smelly
slickum on your hair.

Jethro, I got to
admire your brain.

Why, thank you!

Now that I've admired it,

get it out of here!

Uncle Jed's got a sweetheart!

Uncle Jed's got a sweetheart!

You got a sweetheart!

(light knocking)

Granny.

Mrs. Drysdale sent me to
arrange a peace conference.

Granny?!

So this is her magic tonic.

I had a very trying day.

I wonder if...

Oh, probably just
sulfur and molasses.

Still, it did have a rather
invigorating influence

on Mr. Drysdale.

(chuckles)

Invigorating?

It turned him into
a veritable tiger.

Widow Fenwick, huh? Is that it?

(snaps fingers) No, I got it!

It's the Countess.
Sure as shootin'!

Why, she's our neighbor

and she's pretty
and she's got a car.

All right, Jethro,
that's who it is.

Now run along.

Hey, if you marry
up with the Countess

you gonna live in
one of them castles?

Wear one of them tin suits?

Fight dragons with a sword?

Rescue them damsels in distress?

Every day and twice on Sunday.

(Jane yelling like Tarzan)

What in tarnation is that?

(Tarzan yell)

I don't know, but
it's getting closer.

(loud yell)

Jethro, come here.

Well, boy, Miss Jane called you.

I know, but she's got a
kind of funny look in her eye.

Yeah, I've seen
that look before.

Jethro, I said come here.

Jethro, you going or ain't you?

Not unless you come with me.

(door knocker clanks)

I got my own problem.

You find Granny and
ask for some catnip tea.

But I don't like catnip tea.

Not for you, for her.

And be quick about
it, here she comes.

(Tarzan yell)

(knocker clanking)

Oh, howdy there, soldier.

I thought you was the Countess.

Her Ladyship is waiting.

Well, uh, reckon
His Manship is ready.

You guard the Countess, do you?

No, sir, I drive her.

Drive her?

Yes, sir, I have driven the
Countess since childhood.

35 years.

Well, you better let up.

It ain't hurt her none,

but it sure got you
looking old for 35.

Mr. Clampett, how
handsome you look.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am, but, uh,

you ain't been on the
tonic again, have you?

Oh, no!

I've sworn off 'til the party.

Now, where would you like to go?

Oh, I ain't choicey.

(Tarzan yell)

If it's all the same
to you, ma'am,

could we take out after
them and bring them back?

Why, of course.

Humphrey, catch
those two immediately.

I'll do my best, Your Ladyship.

No, no, no, not on foot.

We'll go in the car.

Thank you, Madam.

Wonderful man.

Terribly devoted.

You wouldn't
believe how old he is.

I do find it hard, ma'am.

(meows)

Now don't cry, Tommy.

I know you're hot
in your wooly coat.

Here's some nice
cool water for you.

GRANNY: Elly May!

Did you set up my kettle again?

Well, yes'm, Granny.

You fixing to make
up some more tonic

for the Countess' party?

I'm afraid I can't, child.

Ain't got no more yarbs.

But as long as
my kettle is set up

and the firewood is ready,

I'm going to cook up a
great big batch of chitlins

for the wingding.

(Granny chuckles)

I reckon you'd best
move there, little fella.

The smoke from that fire is
gonna blow right over here,

and a little baby
like you... (growls)

(roars)

Tommy!

Elly May, what's this
kitten been drinking?

Well, just a little water out
of the cement pond, Granny.

Well, I'll be doggone.

What is it, Granny?

Dumping them 20 gallons of
extra-strong tonic in the pond

has watered it down
and made it just right

for little critters
and city folks.

Milburn, must I go up there
and humble myself to Granny?

No, you can have
another paddling instead.

I'm going, I'm going.

(Granny screams)

(gasps)

So you brung help with you, huh?

Well, come on, I'll
take you both on.

No, no, Granny,
we're not here to fight.

Tell her, Margaret.

I'm here to eat crow.

Well, you're out
of luck, sister.

I'm cooking chitlins.

JED: Come on, Jethro.

Is it safe to get out?

Of course it is.

We left Miss Jane
three miles up the road.

I hope she don't get
ahold of no more tonic.

I never seen anything run

as fast as that woman.

What kept you?

(Tarzan yell)

Shall we pursue them, sir?

No, running that
six miles top speed

probably took the edge off her.

Countess, do you mind
having the party here

instead of your house?

(sighing): Granny, I've
almost given up the notion

of having a party at all.

Mr. Clampett tells me that
you have no more tonic.

Got a whole pond full of it,

and it's been watered down
and run through the filter

so it's just right
for city folks.

Come on in, I'll show you.

Oh, what a magnificent
spot for a party.

We can have hundreds of guests.

And you've got the
fountain of youth, too,

just like you wanted.

Folks can just pass by

and fill their glasses.

Look-y here.

Ain't that purty?

Here, Countess, try one.

You, too, old soldier.

May I, Your Ladyship?

Oh, I think it will do you a
world of good, Humphrey.

Thank you, Your Ladyship.

You're most kind.

Don't call him a
old soldier, Granny.

He's just a little past 35.

To your husband, Madam.

Which one?

The next one.

(chuckling): Oh, thank
you, my dear Humphrey.

Oh, Your Ladyship.

(Countess chuckles)

(knocking)

I'm coming.

This party life is too much
for me... up half the night.

Good morning,
Granny, good morning.

Granny, how can I ever
thank you for last night?

It was a dandy wedding.

The tonic flowed like water.

And to think that I
was there in person

when the Countess
married her sixth husband.

Oh, by the way, the
bride and groom up yet?

Ain't heard a peep out of 'em.

Well, come on out to the
kitchen and have some coffee.

Oh, thank you. Oh,
good, thank you.

COUNTESS: Good
morning, dear friends.

DRYSDALE:
Fabulous wedding party.

Well, good morning, Countess.

How's the groom this morning?

Wonderful, simply wonderful.

(humming)

The kitchen is
this way, Countess.

Where you going?

To the fountain of youth.

Yonder comes the groom,

and your tonic has sure
done wonders for him.

He's commencing to look 35.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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