The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 5 - Jed Buys Stock - full transcript
Grannie prepares her special mash to help cure Mrs. Drysdale of her drinking problem while Jed does as Mr. Drysdale suggests and buys stock: cows, goats, pigs, and chickens! Meanwhile, Mrs. Drysdale recovers from the shock of her first meeting with the Clampetts and is convinced she's imagining things.
COME AND LISTEN TO MY STORY
‘BOUT A MAN NAMED JED,
A POOR MOUNTAINEER
BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FED.
AND THEN ONE DAY
HE WAS SHOOTIN AT SOME FOOD,
AND UP THROUGH THE GROUND
COME A BUBBLING CRUDE.
OIL THAT IS,
BLACK GOLD,
TEXAS TEA.
WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW
OL' JED'S A MILLIONAIRE,
THE KIN FOLKS SAID,
"JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE".
SAID, "CALIFORNY IS THE
PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE",
SO THEY LOADED UP THE TRUCK
AND THEY MOVED TO BEVERLY,
HILLS THAT IS,
SWIMMING POOLS,
MOVIE STARS.
THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.
NOW COME ALONG AND VISIT
WITH THE CLAMPETT FAMILY
AS THEY LEARN THE
SIMPLE PLEASURES
OF THE HILLS OF BEVERLY.
AND THAT INCLUDES THE PRODUCTS
OF YOUR SPONSOR OF THE WEEK,
THE CEREALS OF KELLOGGS,
KELLOGGS OF BATTLE CREEK.
K-E-DOUBLE L, O-DOUBLE GOOD,
KELLOGGS BEST TO You.
ALL RIGHT NOW, JETHRO,
TELL US EXACTLY WHAT
HAPPENED WITH MRS. DRYSDALE.
WELL, I COME AROUND
THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE
AND I SEE THIS HERE LADY
FIGHTING WITHA
FURRY-LOOKIN' VARMINT.
TURNED OUT IT
WAS MRS. DRYSDALE.
NO, UNCLE JED.
IT WAS A FOX.
THE LADY WAS MRS. DRYSDALE.
OH, OH, YEAH.
SO I GRABS UP THE SHOTGUN
AND I SAYS, "STEP ASIDE,
LADY, AND I'LL SHOOT IT."
WELL, INSTEAD OF THAT,
SHE WHIPPED AROUND,
AND THROWED THAT
THING IN THE AIR.
WELL I SHOT IT ON THE FLY
WITH BOTH BARRELS.
BLEW MY WIFE'S
FOX FUR TO SHREDS.
NO WONDER SHE
FAINTED DEAD AWAY.
I CAUGHT HER JUST IN TIME.
THE CHAUFFEUR HAD TO HELP
ME GET HER INTO THE CAR.
SHE WAS OUT LIKE A LIGHT.
SHE WAS STEWED TO THE GILLS.
GRANNY.
YOU SAID IT TOOK TWO MEN
TO GET HER BACK IN THE CAR.
GRANNY.
YOU KNOW, JETHRO,
COULD BE THAT THERE FOX
WAS MRS. DRYSDALE'S PET.
WHY IN TARNATION
WOULD SHE WANT A
SNEAKY OLD FOX FOR A PET?
‘CAUSE THEM KINDA PEOPLE
ARE LIABLE TO DO ANYTHING.
WHAT KINDA PEOPLE?
ASK YOUR PA.
WELL, I RECKON
I CAN'T PROTECT YOU
FROM THE UGLY SIDE
OF LIFE FOREVER.
YOU SEE, MRS. DRYSDALE IS
WHAT CITY FOLKS CALLS A...
WHAT WAS HER HUSBAND
CALLED IT, GRANNY?
A HYPOCHONDRIAC.
YEAH, THAT MEANS
SHE DRINKS A LITTLE.
A LITTLE?
HER OWN HUSBAND SAID
HER BEDROOM
WAS FULL OF BOTTLES.
THE DOCTOR SAYS SHE'LL
SLEEP FOR SEVERAL HOURS.
HE GAVE HER A SEDATIVE.
WHAT ABOUT CLAUDE?
OH, SHE INSISTED
THAT HE HAVE A SEDATIVE TOO.
POOR DOG.
HE'S PROBABLY THE
FIRST CANINE HYPOCHONDRIAC.
WELL, LET'S BE THANKFUL FOR
ONE THING, MR. DRYSDALE.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE TREE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW,
IT COMPLETELY
OBSCURES HER VIEW
OF THE CLAMPETT ESTATE.
YES.
AND IF THAT TREE SHOULD
EVER LOSE ITS LEAVES
AND SHE GETS ONE LOOK
AT THOSE HILLBILLIES...
IT SHALL NOT HAPPEN.
THE CLAMPETTS HAVE AGREED
TO ACCOMPANY ME
TO PALMS SPRINGS.
FINE, FINE.
NOW YOU KEEP THEM THERE
UNTIL I GET MARGARET
BACK TO BOSTON.
CAN DO AND WILL DO.
MAYBE IT'S FOR THE
BEST THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT
THAT POOR WOMAN
NEXT DOOR, ELLY.
NOW YOU CAN PITCH IN
AND HELP US GET HER CURED.
YEP.
LL NEED YOU TO
HELP FIND THE MAKINGS
FOR MY SOBERING-UP MASH.
THAT'S WHAT
I'LL GIVE HER FIRST.
BUT MISS JANE SAID SHE WAS
TAKING US TO PALM SPRINGS.
FOLKS DON'T RUN OFF
AND LEAVE THEIR NEIGHBORS
WHEN THE Y'S IN TROUBLE.
WHAT ARE ALL YOU GONNA NEED
FOR YOUR SOBERING-UP
MASH, GRANNY?
WELL, MOST OF THE STUFF 1 GOT,
BUT IT TAKES A COON ROOT,
BENCH WEED,
SOUR DOCK,
SKUNK OIL,
CHIMNEY SOOT,
SPIDER WEBS,
HORSE MINT,
SNAKE WART,
PEPPER LEAVES,
CHICKEN GIZZARDS,
STUMP WATER,
COAL OIL,
SLIPPERY ELM OOZE,
AND TURPENTINE.
AND A FEW MORE
THINGS THAT'S SECRET.
OOH, AND THE BIGGEST
TOAD YOU CAN FIND.
GRANNY, YOU USE ALIVE TOAD?
THAT'S JUST FOR TESTIN'.
I GIVE IT A SWALLER
TO SEE HOW FER IT JUMPS.
LAST TIME GRANNY USED
HER SOBERING-UP MASH
SET A NEW RECORD.
CLEAN OVER THE TOP
OF ELVERNA
BRADSHAW'S CLOTHESLINE.
THAT'S TALL
JUMPING FOR A TOAD.
OH, THIS WASN'T NO TOAD.
THIS WAS ELVERNA'S
HUSBAND, HOMER.
IT WAS HIM GRANNY
WAS SOBERING UP.
OH, ELLY, IF YOU'RE
GOING OUT IN THE BRUSH
HUNTIN' STUFF FOR GRANNY,
YOU'D BEST PUT
ON SOME OLD CLOTHES.
OKAY, PA.
WELL, LET'S GETTA GOIN’.
OH, I PERT NEAR FORGOT.
I HAVE TO HAVE
SOME GOAT'S MILK.
AFTER MRS. DRYSDALE
TAKES MY SOBERING-UP MASH,
SHE HAS TO HAVE
FRESH GOAT'S MILK
EVERY HALF HOUR
TO STOP THE BURNING.
WELL, I RECKON JETHRO
CAN BORROW SOME.
WELL-TO-DO
NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE THIS,
FOLKS IS BOUND TO KEEP GOATS.
EVERYBODY EXCEPT US.
WE AIN'T EVEN GOT A COW.
NOR PIGS NEITHER.
NOR CHICKENS.
WE AIN'T EVEN GOT
NOTHING TO PULL A PLOW.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE SO DAD-BLAM RICH.
LL BET WE'RE THE ONLY
FAMILY IN BEVERLY HILLS
THAT AIN'T GOT A MULE.
I RECKON IT IS HIGH TIME
I WAS STOCKING THIS PLACE.
EVEN MR. DRYSDALE'S BEEN
AFTER ME TO BUY SOME CATTLE.
WELL, GOOD FOR HIM.
YEAH, JUST THE OTHER
DAY HE SAYS TO ME,
HE SAYS, "MR. CLAMPETT,
YOU GOT $25 MILLION IN CASH.
YOU OUGHT TO PUT SOME
OF THAT MONEY INTO STOCK."
WELL, WE BETTER GET BUSY
NOW IF WE'RE GONNA FIND...
(DOORBELL RINGING)
THERE GOES THAT MUSIC AGAIN.
JETHRO, DID YOU EVER FIND
OUT WHERE THAT'S COMING FROM?
NO, SIR, I DIDN'T.
EVERY TIME I WENT
TO LOOKIN' FOR IT,
SOMEBODY ALWAYS
COME TO THE DOOR.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
THIS TIME I'M GONNA
FIND IT FOR SURE.
YEAH, GOOD HUNTING.
ME AND GRANNY'LL BE FIGURING
OUT WHAT STOCK TO BUY.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
DOGGONE, IT NEVER FAILS.
HOWDY, MISS HATHAWAY.
OH, PLEASE STOP CALLING
ME MISS HATHAWAY.
NOW IF I CAN CALL
YOU BY YOUR FIRST NAME,
JETHRO,
SURELY YOU CAN
DO THE SAME FOR ME.
BUT...
PLEASE.
WELL, HOWDY, MISS JETHRO.
HOW ABOUT CALLING ME JANE?
I LIKE THAT BETTER.
ME TOO.
WELL, ARE WE ALL SET
TO LEAVE FOR PALM SPRINGS?
NO, MA'AM.
UNCLE JED AND ME
IS GOING TO TOWN
AND BUY SOME STOCK.
STOCK?
YES, MA'AM.
MR. DRYSDALE,
HE TOLD UNCLE JED
HE HAD OUGHT TO PUT SOME
OF HIS MONEY INTO STOCK.
HE DICTATED A MEMO ON THAT.
BUT YOU NEEDN'T WASTE
TIME DRIVING INTO TOWN.
YOU CAN ORDER YOUR
STOCK BY TELEPHONE.
NOW HERE ARE
MR. DRYSDALE'S
RECOMMENDATIONS.
HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR UNCLE
JED TO GET A BUM STEER.
OH, UNCLE JED,
HE WOULDN'T BUY NO BUM STEER.
IT PAYS TO BE CAUTIOUS
IN THE BULL MARKET.
YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL
WITH COWS, TOO.
OH,
JETHRO, YOU HAVE THE MOST
DELIGHTFULLY BUCOLIC
SENSE OF HUMOR.
NOW, THEN,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE
TO PALM SPRINGS WITH ME
OR WOULD YOU PREFER TO
DRIVE AND MEET ME THERE?
JETHRO?
YES, MA'AM.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DRIVE YOUR OWN CAR?
OH, YES, MA'AM.
I LIKE TO DRIVE.
VERY WELL.
I HAVE TYPED OUT
EXPLICIT DIRECTIONS.
I'VE EVEN DRAWN A MAP
SHOWING THE EXACT
LOCATION OF THE HOTEL.
THEY HAVE A LOVELY POOL AND,
JETHRO.
UH, YES, MA'AM.
I'M TAKING A
BIKINI TO PALM SPRINGS.
IS THAT FASTER THAN A TRAIN?
OH, JETHRO,
YOU DEAR NAIVE, BOY.
YOU SHALL SEE
WHEN WE GO SWIMMING.
YOU TARZAN.
ME JANE.
NO, MA'AM.
I'M JETHRO BODINE.
I ALMOST HATE
TO SEE YOU CHANGE.
I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE.
OH, YES, YOU WILL.
UNDER MY TUTELAGE,
YOU WILL BECOME AN
EDUCATED MAN OF LETTERS.
SOMEDAY I SHALL
INTRODUCE YOU
AS JETHRO BODINE,
BA,
MA,
PHD.
AWFUL SMART WOMAN,
BUT THAT AIN'T THE
WAY YOU SPELL BODINE.
ALL I KNOW IS THIS
IS THE KINDA STOCK
MR. DRYSDALE THINKS IS GOOD.
WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
I, B, M.
WHAT DOES THAT SPELL?
IBM.
WHAT'S AN IBM?
I DON'T KNOW.
NEXT IT'S GOT USS.
USS?
WELL THAT'S
WHAT'S WROTE THERE,
U.S, S.
DON'T MAKE SENSE.
WELL, MAYBE IT AIN'T
MR. DRYSDALE'S FAULT.
JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
THAT MISS HATHAWAY CAN'T
SPELL FOR SOUR GRAPES.
WELL, I DON'T NEED
THIS LIST NO HOW.
ME AND GRANNY'S ALREADY
FIGURED OUT WHAT WE WANT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
A PAIR OF GOATS,
THREE PIGS,
FOUR COWS,
A BULL,
A MULE,
AND A DOZEN CHICKEN.
RECKON WE GET ALL
THAT ON THE TRUCK?
DON'T HAVE TO.
MISS HATHAWAY SAYS
JUST CALL ON THE TELEPHONE
AND THE Y'D BRING 'EM OUT.
WELL, NOW, AIN'T THAT NICE.
HELLO.
JED, I WATCHED
THAT BANKER FELLER.
YOU HAVE TO STICK
YOUR FINGER IN THEM HOLES
AND SPIN 'EM AWHILE.
ALL RIGHT.
RECKON THAT OUGHTA DO IT.
OPERATOR.
OH, HOWDY, MA'AM.
THIS HERE IS JED CLAMPETT.
I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME STOCK.
WHAT NUMBER DO YOU WISH?
NUMBER?
OH, A COUPLE OF GOATS,
THREE PIGS,
FOUR COWS, A BULL,
A MULE, AND A DOZEN CHICKEN.
ib GiVE YOU INFORMATION.
WELL, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
I APPRECIATE ALL THE
INFORMATION YOU CAN GIMME.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME I EVER
BOUGHT STOCK ON THE TELEPHONE.
PERHAPS I'D BETTER CONNECT
YOU WITH A SUPERVISOR.
TWO HEADS IS BETTER THAN ONE.
SUPERVISOR SPEAKING.
MAY I HELP YOU?
I THANK YOU, MA'AM.
THIS HERE IS JED CLAMPETT
AND I'D LIKE TO
BUY SOME STOCK.
DO YOU KNOW THE NUMBER
YOU WISH TO REACH?
WELL, THAT'S MORE OR
LESS UP TO THE ANIMALS.
BUT THE NUMBER
I WANNA START WITH
IS A COUPLE OF GOATS,
THREE PIGS,
FOUR COWS, A BULL, A MULE,
AND A DOZEN CHICKEN.
THIS SURE ISA
DANDY PEN, JETHRO.
AS SOON AS ELLY GETS
BACK FROM THE DRYSDALE'S,
SHE CAN MILK THIS HERE GOAT.
MR. DRYSDALE SURE HAS GOT A
NICE HOUSE AIN'T IT, GRANNY?
YEP.
NICE HOUSE,
NICE CAR,
NICE JOB,
BUT THE EVIL OF DRINK
HAS SURE LAID A
HEAVY HAND ON HIS HEART.
NEVER FORGET ELLY,
DRINKIN' IS A CURSE.
BUT YOU TAKE A DRINK
NOW AND THEN, GRANNY.
UH-UVUH,
NEVER MORE THAN A THIMBLEFUL.
OH, ELLY,
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO
HOLD MRS. DRYSDALE
WHILE I SPOON MY
SOBERING-UP MASH DOWN HER.
I'LL THROW A DOUBLE SCISSORS
AND AN ARM LOCK ON HER.
JUST SO YOU DON'T
CUT OFF HER WIND
IF SHE CAN'T BREATHE...
YES.
HOWDY.
WE'VE COME TO
SEE MRS. DRYSDALE.
I'M SORRY, MADAM,
BUT MRS. DRYSDALE
CANNOT BE DISTURBED.
ARE YOU HER KIN?
I'M A BUTLER.
OH, THAT MUST HAVE
BEEN HER MAIDEN NAME.
YOU WERE TAKIN'
CARE OF HER, ARE 'YA?
I AM A BUTLER, MADAM.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO
SEE THAT HER FAMILY
AIN'T ASHAMED TO HELP HER.
WHOM SHALL I SAY CALLED?
WELL, THIS HERE'S GRANNY
AND I'M ELLY MAY.
PA AND JETHRO
WOULD HAVE COME TOO,
BUT THEY'RE BUSY
WITH THE CATTLE.
VERY GOOD.
HOLD ON, NOW.
WE'VE COME TO
SEE MRS. DRYSDALE.
MRS. DRYSDALE IS
INDISPOSED, MADAM.
SHE IS NOT RECEIVING.
OH, STILL SLEEPING
IT OFF, HUH?
WELL, WHEN SHE COMES TO,
YOU JUST SPOON
HALF OF THIS DOWN HER
AND THEN STAND BACK.
YEAH, SHE'LL COMMENCE TO
DOING SOME TALL JUMPIN’.
IT WON'T BITE ‘YA.
WE'LL BE BACK LATER
WITH THE GOAT'S MILK.
WANT ME TO STAY AND HELP
YOU DO FOR MRS. DRYSDALE?
WE'RE MANAGING, THANK YOU.
ARE YOU DOING THE
WASHING AND THE CLEANING
AND THE COOKING FOR HER?
CERTAINLY NOT.
OH, JUST LETTING IT
PILE UP ON HER, HUH?
MADAM, I AM A BUTLER.
HUH.
WANT ME TO HAUL HIM
OUTTA THERE, GRANNY,
AND WRESTLE HIM DOWN?
KINFOLKS HAVE CERTAIN RIGHTS.
FAMILY COMES FIRST.
HE SURE IS PROUD OF THAT
FAMILY NAME, AIN'T HE?
YEAH.
TO HEAR HIM TALK,
THE BUTLERS DON'T
GET WET WHEN IT RAINS.
(COW MOOING)
DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, DEAR?
(COW MOOING)
WELL, SPEAK UP, DEAR.
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
COME IN.
I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR.
THE BUTLER SAID SOME
PEOPLE FROM A RANCH
BROUGHT THIS FOR MADAME.
FROM A RANCH?
WELL, HE SAID
THEY MENTIONED CATTLE.
THEY CALLED THEMSELVES
GRANNY AND ELLY MAY.
THE CLAMPETTS, THEY
HAVEN'T GONE TO PALM SPRINGS.
(JED AND JETHRO OUTSIDE)
COME ON, JETHRO, GET 'EM IN
THROUGH THAT GATE.
THAT'S THE WAY.
SUEY, SUEY, SUEY, SUEY,
PIG, PIG.
HAW, GET IN THERE.
HAW, HEY-HAW,
GET IN THERE, P!IG.
GET IN, PIG, COME ON.
HERE PIG, PIG, PIG.
THAT'S THE WAY.
SUEY...
OH, NO, SURELY NOT.
MARIE, TELL ME
I'M HEARING THINGS.
YOU'RE HEARING THINGS, SIR.
COWS, CHICKENS, PIGS, GOATS.
NEVER MIND.
ANYTHING I CAN DO, SIR?
PRAY, MARIE, PRAY.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
HOLD YOUR HORSES,
I'M A COMING.
OH, HOWDY, MR. DRYSDALE.
DID YOUR WIFE DRINK THAT...
ELLY MAY,
WHERE'S YOUR FATHER?
HE'S TENDING THE CATTLE.
HE BROUGHT CATTLE
INTO THIS BEAUTIFUL ESTATE?
NO, HE CALLED
ON THE TELEPHONE
AND SOME MEN
BROUGHT 'EM IN A TRUCK.
YES, SIR.
I'M JUST FIXIN'
TO GO MILK THE GOAT.
COME ON OUT TO
THE STOCK PEN.
STOCK PEN.
YES, SIR, MR. DRYSDALE,
I FINALLY TOOK YOUR ADVICE
AND PUT SOME OF
MY MONEY INTO STOCK.
HOW'S THAT GOAT MILK, ELLY?
JUST FINE, PA.
THIS SURE ISA
DANDY PEN, MR. DRYSDALE.
YEAH, GOOD STOCK FENCE
AROUND THE OUTSIDE.
OF COURSE THAT ONE ACROSS
THE MIDDLE AIN'T SO MUCH.
BULL'S ALREADY JUMPED IT TWICE
AND AIN'T EVEN MATING SEASON.
GRANNY.
WE GOT OURSELVES SOME
MIGHTY FINE LOOKIN' STOCK.
OF COURSE THEY NEED
A LITTLE FATTENIN' UP.
MR. DRYSDALE
HAPPY TO SEE 'EM?
GRANNY, HE WAS SO
HAPPY HE COULDN'T TALK.
HE JUST KINDA
HUNG ON THE FENCE
AND MADE LITTLE GURGLING
NOISES IN HIS THROAT.
YEAH, WELL, THAT POOR MAN
HAS SOME JOY COMING TO HIM.
I'M GLAD TO BE
ABLE TO HELP HIM
TO FORGET HIS
TROUBLE FOR A SPELL.
HERE'S THE
GOAT'S MILK, GRANNY.
OH, GOOD, ELLY.
NOW YOU RUN THAT RIGHT
OVER TO MRS. DRYSDALE.
THAT SOBERING-UP MASH
SMARTS CONSIDERABLE
LESS YOU FOLLOW IT UP
WITH FRESH GOAT'S MILK.
ELLY, MR. DRYSDALE
EVER FIND HIS TONGUE?
YEAH, PA. WHILES
I WAS MILKIN' THE GOAT,
I HEAR-D HIM KINDA MUMBLING
LIKE HE WAS GIVING THANKS.
HE SAYS, "OH, WHAT HAVE
I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?"
LORD, LOVE HIM.
AIN'T THAT PITIFUL.
HURRY, CHILD, NOW HURRY.
YOU KNOW, GRANNY,
IT GIVES A PERSON
A MIGHTY GOOD FEELING
TO HELP A NEIGHBOR.
YOU BETCHA.
AND HE NEEDS US
"CAUSE HIS WIFE'S
KIN AIN'T NO HELP.
WHO'S THAT?
THAT HIGH AND MIGHTY
MR. BUTLER THAT'S WHO.
CAME TO THE DOOR WHEN ELLY
AND ME TOOK THE MASH OVER.
WOULDN'T LET US
SEE MRS. DRYSDALE.
WELL, NOW YOU CAN'T
HARDLY BLAME HIM
FOR NOT WANTIN'
FOLKS TO SEE YOU.
UNCLE JED,
THE BULL JUMPED
THAT LITTLE FENCE AGAIN
SO I TIED HIM BACK
OVER ON HIS SIDE.
WHERE'S MR. DRYSDALE?
I ASKED HIM TO COME
IN FOR SOME COFFEE.
IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.
YOU KNOW HOW HE WAS
HANGING ON THE FENCE
OF THE STOCK PEN.
YEAH.
KINDA GURGLIN' AND
MUMBLIN' HAPPY LIKE.
YEAH.
WELL, ALL OF THE SUDDEN,
HE POINTS UP TOWARDS
HIS HOUSE AND SAYS,
"MY WIFE, THAT'S HER WINDOW."
THEN HE GOES TEARING
OFF INTO THE BUSHES
LIKE A BEAR WAS AFTER HIM.
BET SHE TOOK SOME MASH
AND HE SEEN HER JUMPIN'.
LOOKS LIKE ELLY'S
GONNA GET THERE
WITH THE GOAT'S
MILK JUST IN TIME.
OH, SONNY, SONNY,
YOUR MUMSY JUST HAD
THE MOST GHASTLY DREAM.
I WAS GOING TO SEE
OUR NEW NEIGHBORS,
THE CLAMPETTS,
AND SUDDENLY THIS
DREADFUL GIANT APPEARED
WITH A HUGE GUN
AND SHOT MY
BEAUTIFUL FOX FUR.
ISN'T THAT
THE MOST DREADFUL...
CLAUDE,
WHAT ARE YOU EATING?
OH, DID RAVENSWOOD
BRING MY DARLING BOY
SOME NICE TEENSY SCRAPS?
CLAUDE.
CLAUDE!
MARIE!
MARIE, COME AND GET CLAUDE!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, DEAR?
CLAUDE,
HE, HE'S HAVING A
SEIZURE OR SOMETHING!
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
YES, MARIE, OPEN THE WINDOW!
YES, LET'S HAVE
SOME FRESH AIR.
NO, NO, NO, NO,
YOU TAKE CLAUDE
TO THE DOCTOR.
I'LL GET THE WINDOW.
WELL, DARLING,
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
DREADFUL.
MY NERVES ARE SHATTERED.
OPEN THE WINDOW, DEAR.
OH, IT MIGHT NOT BE
GOOD FOR YOU, MARGARET.
OH, DON'T BE SILLY, MILBURN.
I NEED OXYGEN.
BESIDES, I ADORE THE
FRAGRANCE OF THAT JASMINE
THAT GROWS ON THE FENCE
OF THAT TENNIS
COURT NEXT DOOR.
NOW OPEN THE WINDOW.
ALL RIGHT, DEAR,
BUT FIRST I HAVE A SURPRISE.
SURPRISE?
UH, HUH.
DON'T MOVE,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
GRANNY,
GRANNY,
THAT THERE BUTLER FELLA
WOULDN'T LET ME
THROUGH THAT DOOR AGAIN,
AND HE WOULDN'T
TAKE THIS MILK NEITHER.
WHY NOT?
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T
TOUCH NOTHIN' MORE FROM US
WITHOUT IT WAS STERILIZED.
WHAT'S STERILIZE?
OH, WE HAD THAT
IN SCHOOL ONCE.
THAT MEANS SOAKED IN ALKI-HOL.
ALKI-HOL?
IT APPEARS TO ME
LIKE MR. DRYSDALE'S GOT
TWO DRINKERS ON HIS HANDS.
MRS. DRYSDALE MUST
BE IN TERRIBLE SHAPE,
FIGHTING MEAN,
SCRATCHING AND CLAWING
PEOPLE AND EVERYTHING.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I HEARD HER
YELLIN' AND SCREAMIN'
CLEAN FROM UPSTAIRS.
SHE SAYS, "MARIE, MARIE,
COME AND GET CLAUDE.
SURE ENOUGH PRETTY
SOON THIS POOR GIRL
COME A RUNNIN' DOWN YELLIN’,
"TAKE ME TO THE DOCTOR.
I GOT CLAUDE."
THAT SETTLES IT.
FAMILY OR NO FAMILY,
THAT WOMAN NEEDS HELP
AND BY THUNDER,
SHE'S GONNA GET IT.
SURPRISE, SURPRISE.
MILBURN, HAVE YOU TAKEN
LEAVE OF YOUR SENSES?
YOU KNOW I'M MUCH TOO NERVOUS
TO WATCH TELEVISION.
BUT DARLING,
THE DOCTORS IN BOSTON
SAID YOUR NERVES
WERE JUST FINE.
THOSE BOSTON DOCTORS,
THEY HAD THE
AUDACITY TO TELL ME
THAT I WAS PERFECTLY HEALTHY.
I SAID, "I'M NOT PAYING
YOU ALL THAT MONEY
TO TELL ME I'M HEALTHY."
MILBURN, I DO NOT
WANT TO WATCH TELEVISION.
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WATCH IT, DEAR,
JUST LISTEN.
THERE'S AN
EXCITING WESTERN ON.
WESTERN.
MILBURN, SHUT THAT OFF
AND OPEN THE WINDOW.
I WILL...,
OH, OH, THERE WE ARE.
(GUNFIRE)
MILBURN,
ARE YOU GOING
TO OPEN THE WINDOW
OR AM I?
I AM, DEAR.
(COWS MOOING)
(SHEEP SOUNDS)
THERE YOU SEE.
THE CATTLEMEN AND THE SHEEP
MEN ARE FIGHTING IT OUT.
WELL, IF YOU
WON'T TURN IT OFF,
I WILL.
OH, DEAR, I DO ADMIT
THAT'S A VERY OLD PLOT,
BUT I'M SURE WE CAN
GET SOMETHING BETTER.
(COW MOOING)
THAT MEDICAL PROGRAM,
GO BACK TO THAT.
WELL, DON'T YOU THINK
THAT'S A BIT DEPRESSING?
I WANT THE MEDICAL PROGRAM.
ALL RIGHT.
(COWS MOOING)
MILBURN,
I STILL HEAR THE CATTLE
AND THE GOATS.
YES, YOU SEE, YOU SEE,
THIS IS THE LATEST THING
IN TELEVISION PROGRAMS,
A MEDICAL WESTERN.
MEDICAL WESTERN?
YES, YES,
I THINK IT'S CALLED
"SAGEBRUSH SURGEON."
THAT'S THE WINDOW HE
POINTED TO RIGHT THERE.
I GOTTA GET SOME
FRESH GOAT'S MILK
UP TO THAT WOMAN SOME WAY.
(COW MOOING)
(GOAT SOUNDS)
I COULD SHIMMY UP THE TREE
AND CLIMB RIGHT
IN THAT WINDOW.
AW, JETHRO, TAIN'T
FITTIN' FOR A MAN
TO BE IN A WOMAN'S BEDROOM.
HOW ABOUT ME?
NO, ELLY, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
TO HANDLE SOMEBODY
A WRESTLING IN THE GRIP
OF OLD JOHN BARLEY CORN.
I GOTTA GET UP THERE
AND HAVE A GOAT HANDY
TO MILK EVERY SO OFTEN.
I THINK I GOT IT
FIGURED OUT, GRANNY.
WHAT?
I'LL GET A ROPE,
THROW IT OVER THAT LIMB,
HOIST YOU UP TO THE WINDA.
JETHRO,
YOU GET THAT MR. BUTLER
AWAY FROM THE FRONT DOOR.
AND THEN, ELLY,
YOU TAKE A NANNY GOAT,
LEAD IT UPSTAIRS TO
HER ROOM FOR GRANNY.
ALL RIGHT, PA.
BUT THAT LITTLE GOAT
AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHIN'
UNLESS IT'S GOT THAT LITTLE
CHICKEN SITTIN' ON ITS BACK.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
RAW EGG AIN'T GONNA DO
MRS. DRYSDALE A BIT OF HARM.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(GOAT SOUND)
(CHICKEN SOUND)
MARGARET, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?
PACKING.
I'M LEAVING IMMEDIATELY.
OH, DON'T LEAVE ME.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU TOO, MILBURN.
WHY DON'T YOU COME
TO BOSTON WITH ME?
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
SONNY FOR A LONG TIME.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY HAVE YOU
SUDDENLY DECIDED
TO GO BACK TO BOSTON?
TO SEE THOSE DOCTORS.
LET THEM DARE TO TELL ME NOW
I DON'T HAVE
A NERVOUS CONDITION.
WHY I'M EVEN
HAVING HALLUCINATIONS.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
HALLUCINATIONS?
I JUST SAW A WITCH
FLY BY THAT WINDOW,
AND THERE'S A
GOAT IN THE BATHTUB
WITH A CHICKEN
RIDING ON ITS BACK.
OH, YOU COULDN'T
SEE THEM, DEAR.
ONLY SOMEONE WITH MY
SHATTERED NERVOUS SYSTEM.
THERE GOES THE WITCH AGAIN.
OH, MILBURN,
I'M THE HAPPIEST
WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
IT'S MARVELOUS.
WAIT UNTIL THOSE
DOCTORS HEAR THIS.
CAN'T GET IN THE ATTIC
AND SHE WON'T OPEN THE WINDA.
HOIST ME UP AGAIN.
HERE, MILBURN.
LET'S HAVE A VITAMIN TOAST
TO MY COMING TRIUMPH.
IT'S TOO LATE, JED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GRANNY?
WE DIDN'T GET TO HER IN TIME.
NOW SHE'S GOT HER
HUSBAND ON THE STUFF.
WELL NOWIT'S
TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
TO JED AND ALL HIS KIN.
AND THEY WOULD LIKE
TO THANK YOU FOLKS
FOR KINDLY DROPPIN' IN.
YOU'RE ALL INVITED
BACK NEXT WEEK
TO THIS LOCALITY
TO HAVE A HEAPIN' HELPIN'
OF THEIR HOSPITALITY.
HILLBILLY, THAT IS.
SETA SPELL.
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR?
THIS HAS BEEN A
FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.
‘BOUT A MAN NAMED JED,
A POOR MOUNTAINEER
BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FED.
AND THEN ONE DAY
HE WAS SHOOTIN AT SOME FOOD,
AND UP THROUGH THE GROUND
COME A BUBBLING CRUDE.
OIL THAT IS,
BLACK GOLD,
TEXAS TEA.
WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW
OL' JED'S A MILLIONAIRE,
THE KIN FOLKS SAID,
"JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE".
SAID, "CALIFORNY IS THE
PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE",
SO THEY LOADED UP THE TRUCK
AND THEY MOVED TO BEVERLY,
HILLS THAT IS,
SWIMMING POOLS,
MOVIE STARS.
THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.
NOW COME ALONG AND VISIT
WITH THE CLAMPETT FAMILY
AS THEY LEARN THE
SIMPLE PLEASURES
OF THE HILLS OF BEVERLY.
AND THAT INCLUDES THE PRODUCTS
OF YOUR SPONSOR OF THE WEEK,
THE CEREALS OF KELLOGGS,
KELLOGGS OF BATTLE CREEK.
K-E-DOUBLE L, O-DOUBLE GOOD,
KELLOGGS BEST TO You.
ALL RIGHT NOW, JETHRO,
TELL US EXACTLY WHAT
HAPPENED WITH MRS. DRYSDALE.
WELL, I COME AROUND
THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE
AND I SEE THIS HERE LADY
FIGHTING WITHA
FURRY-LOOKIN' VARMINT.
TURNED OUT IT
WAS MRS. DRYSDALE.
NO, UNCLE JED.
IT WAS A FOX.
THE LADY WAS MRS. DRYSDALE.
OH, OH, YEAH.
SO I GRABS UP THE SHOTGUN
AND I SAYS, "STEP ASIDE,
LADY, AND I'LL SHOOT IT."
WELL, INSTEAD OF THAT,
SHE WHIPPED AROUND,
AND THROWED THAT
THING IN THE AIR.
WELL I SHOT IT ON THE FLY
WITH BOTH BARRELS.
BLEW MY WIFE'S
FOX FUR TO SHREDS.
NO WONDER SHE
FAINTED DEAD AWAY.
I CAUGHT HER JUST IN TIME.
THE CHAUFFEUR HAD TO HELP
ME GET HER INTO THE CAR.
SHE WAS OUT LIKE A LIGHT.
SHE WAS STEWED TO THE GILLS.
GRANNY.
YOU SAID IT TOOK TWO MEN
TO GET HER BACK IN THE CAR.
GRANNY.
YOU KNOW, JETHRO,
COULD BE THAT THERE FOX
WAS MRS. DRYSDALE'S PET.
WHY IN TARNATION
WOULD SHE WANT A
SNEAKY OLD FOX FOR A PET?
‘CAUSE THEM KINDA PEOPLE
ARE LIABLE TO DO ANYTHING.
WHAT KINDA PEOPLE?
ASK YOUR PA.
WELL, I RECKON
I CAN'T PROTECT YOU
FROM THE UGLY SIDE
OF LIFE FOREVER.
YOU SEE, MRS. DRYSDALE IS
WHAT CITY FOLKS CALLS A...
WHAT WAS HER HUSBAND
CALLED IT, GRANNY?
A HYPOCHONDRIAC.
YEAH, THAT MEANS
SHE DRINKS A LITTLE.
A LITTLE?
HER OWN HUSBAND SAID
HER BEDROOM
WAS FULL OF BOTTLES.
THE DOCTOR SAYS SHE'LL
SLEEP FOR SEVERAL HOURS.
HE GAVE HER A SEDATIVE.
WHAT ABOUT CLAUDE?
OH, SHE INSISTED
THAT HE HAVE A SEDATIVE TOO.
POOR DOG.
HE'S PROBABLY THE
FIRST CANINE HYPOCHONDRIAC.
WELL, LET'S BE THANKFUL FOR
ONE THING, MR. DRYSDALE.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE TREE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW,
IT COMPLETELY
OBSCURES HER VIEW
OF THE CLAMPETT ESTATE.
YES.
AND IF THAT TREE SHOULD
EVER LOSE ITS LEAVES
AND SHE GETS ONE LOOK
AT THOSE HILLBILLIES...
IT SHALL NOT HAPPEN.
THE CLAMPETTS HAVE AGREED
TO ACCOMPANY ME
TO PALMS SPRINGS.
FINE, FINE.
NOW YOU KEEP THEM THERE
UNTIL I GET MARGARET
BACK TO BOSTON.
CAN DO AND WILL DO.
MAYBE IT'S FOR THE
BEST THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT
THAT POOR WOMAN
NEXT DOOR, ELLY.
NOW YOU CAN PITCH IN
AND HELP US GET HER CURED.
YEP.
LL NEED YOU TO
HELP FIND THE MAKINGS
FOR MY SOBERING-UP MASH.
THAT'S WHAT
I'LL GIVE HER FIRST.
BUT MISS JANE SAID SHE WAS
TAKING US TO PALM SPRINGS.
FOLKS DON'T RUN OFF
AND LEAVE THEIR NEIGHBORS
WHEN THE Y'S IN TROUBLE.
WHAT ARE ALL YOU GONNA NEED
FOR YOUR SOBERING-UP
MASH, GRANNY?
WELL, MOST OF THE STUFF 1 GOT,
BUT IT TAKES A COON ROOT,
BENCH WEED,
SOUR DOCK,
SKUNK OIL,
CHIMNEY SOOT,
SPIDER WEBS,
HORSE MINT,
SNAKE WART,
PEPPER LEAVES,
CHICKEN GIZZARDS,
STUMP WATER,
COAL OIL,
SLIPPERY ELM OOZE,
AND TURPENTINE.
AND A FEW MORE
THINGS THAT'S SECRET.
OOH, AND THE BIGGEST
TOAD YOU CAN FIND.
GRANNY, YOU USE ALIVE TOAD?
THAT'S JUST FOR TESTIN'.
I GIVE IT A SWALLER
TO SEE HOW FER IT JUMPS.
LAST TIME GRANNY USED
HER SOBERING-UP MASH
SET A NEW RECORD.
CLEAN OVER THE TOP
OF ELVERNA
BRADSHAW'S CLOTHESLINE.
THAT'S TALL
JUMPING FOR A TOAD.
OH, THIS WASN'T NO TOAD.
THIS WAS ELVERNA'S
HUSBAND, HOMER.
IT WAS HIM GRANNY
WAS SOBERING UP.
OH, ELLY, IF YOU'RE
GOING OUT IN THE BRUSH
HUNTIN' STUFF FOR GRANNY,
YOU'D BEST PUT
ON SOME OLD CLOTHES.
OKAY, PA.
WELL, LET'S GETTA GOIN’.
OH, I PERT NEAR FORGOT.
I HAVE TO HAVE
SOME GOAT'S MILK.
AFTER MRS. DRYSDALE
TAKES MY SOBERING-UP MASH,
SHE HAS TO HAVE
FRESH GOAT'S MILK
EVERY HALF HOUR
TO STOP THE BURNING.
WELL, I RECKON JETHRO
CAN BORROW SOME.
WELL-TO-DO
NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE THIS,
FOLKS IS BOUND TO KEEP GOATS.
EVERYBODY EXCEPT US.
WE AIN'T EVEN GOT A COW.
NOR PIGS NEITHER.
NOR CHICKENS.
WE AIN'T EVEN GOT
NOTHING TO PULL A PLOW.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE SO DAD-BLAM RICH.
LL BET WE'RE THE ONLY
FAMILY IN BEVERLY HILLS
THAT AIN'T GOT A MULE.
I RECKON IT IS HIGH TIME
I WAS STOCKING THIS PLACE.
EVEN MR. DRYSDALE'S BEEN
AFTER ME TO BUY SOME CATTLE.
WELL, GOOD FOR HIM.
YEAH, JUST THE OTHER
DAY HE SAYS TO ME,
HE SAYS, "MR. CLAMPETT,
YOU GOT $25 MILLION IN CASH.
YOU OUGHT TO PUT SOME
OF THAT MONEY INTO STOCK."
WELL, WE BETTER GET BUSY
NOW IF WE'RE GONNA FIND...
(DOORBELL RINGING)
THERE GOES THAT MUSIC AGAIN.
JETHRO, DID YOU EVER FIND
OUT WHERE THAT'S COMING FROM?
NO, SIR, I DIDN'T.
EVERY TIME I WENT
TO LOOKIN' FOR IT,
SOMEBODY ALWAYS
COME TO THE DOOR.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
THIS TIME I'M GONNA
FIND IT FOR SURE.
YEAH, GOOD HUNTING.
ME AND GRANNY'LL BE FIGURING
OUT WHAT STOCK TO BUY.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
DOGGONE, IT NEVER FAILS.
HOWDY, MISS HATHAWAY.
OH, PLEASE STOP CALLING
ME MISS HATHAWAY.
NOW IF I CAN CALL
YOU BY YOUR FIRST NAME,
JETHRO,
SURELY YOU CAN
DO THE SAME FOR ME.
BUT...
PLEASE.
WELL, HOWDY, MISS JETHRO.
HOW ABOUT CALLING ME JANE?
I LIKE THAT BETTER.
ME TOO.
WELL, ARE WE ALL SET
TO LEAVE FOR PALM SPRINGS?
NO, MA'AM.
UNCLE JED AND ME
IS GOING TO TOWN
AND BUY SOME STOCK.
STOCK?
YES, MA'AM.
MR. DRYSDALE,
HE TOLD UNCLE JED
HE HAD OUGHT TO PUT SOME
OF HIS MONEY INTO STOCK.
HE DICTATED A MEMO ON THAT.
BUT YOU NEEDN'T WASTE
TIME DRIVING INTO TOWN.
YOU CAN ORDER YOUR
STOCK BY TELEPHONE.
NOW HERE ARE
MR. DRYSDALE'S
RECOMMENDATIONS.
HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR UNCLE
JED TO GET A BUM STEER.
OH, UNCLE JED,
HE WOULDN'T BUY NO BUM STEER.
IT PAYS TO BE CAUTIOUS
IN THE BULL MARKET.
YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL
WITH COWS, TOO.
OH,
JETHRO, YOU HAVE THE MOST
DELIGHTFULLY BUCOLIC
SENSE OF HUMOR.
NOW, THEN,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE
TO PALM SPRINGS WITH ME
OR WOULD YOU PREFER TO
DRIVE AND MEET ME THERE?
JETHRO?
YES, MA'AM.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DRIVE YOUR OWN CAR?
OH, YES, MA'AM.
I LIKE TO DRIVE.
VERY WELL.
I HAVE TYPED OUT
EXPLICIT DIRECTIONS.
I'VE EVEN DRAWN A MAP
SHOWING THE EXACT
LOCATION OF THE HOTEL.
THEY HAVE A LOVELY POOL AND,
JETHRO.
UH, YES, MA'AM.
I'M TAKING A
BIKINI TO PALM SPRINGS.
IS THAT FASTER THAN A TRAIN?
OH, JETHRO,
YOU DEAR NAIVE, BOY.
YOU SHALL SEE
WHEN WE GO SWIMMING.
YOU TARZAN.
ME JANE.
NO, MA'AM.
I'M JETHRO BODINE.
I ALMOST HATE
TO SEE YOU CHANGE.
I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE.
OH, YES, YOU WILL.
UNDER MY TUTELAGE,
YOU WILL BECOME AN
EDUCATED MAN OF LETTERS.
SOMEDAY I SHALL
INTRODUCE YOU
AS JETHRO BODINE,
BA,
MA,
PHD.
AWFUL SMART WOMAN,
BUT THAT AIN'T THE
WAY YOU SPELL BODINE.
ALL I KNOW IS THIS
IS THE KINDA STOCK
MR. DRYSDALE THINKS IS GOOD.
WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
I, B, M.
WHAT DOES THAT SPELL?
IBM.
WHAT'S AN IBM?
I DON'T KNOW.
NEXT IT'S GOT USS.
USS?
WELL THAT'S
WHAT'S WROTE THERE,
U.S, S.
DON'T MAKE SENSE.
WELL, MAYBE IT AIN'T
MR. DRYSDALE'S FAULT.
JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
THAT MISS HATHAWAY CAN'T
SPELL FOR SOUR GRAPES.
WELL, I DON'T NEED
THIS LIST NO HOW.
ME AND GRANNY'S ALREADY
FIGURED OUT WHAT WE WANT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
A PAIR OF GOATS,
THREE PIGS,
FOUR COWS,
A BULL,
A MULE,
AND A DOZEN CHICKEN.
RECKON WE GET ALL
THAT ON THE TRUCK?
DON'T HAVE TO.
MISS HATHAWAY SAYS
JUST CALL ON THE TELEPHONE
AND THE Y'D BRING 'EM OUT.
WELL, NOW, AIN'T THAT NICE.
HELLO.
JED, I WATCHED
THAT BANKER FELLER.
YOU HAVE TO STICK
YOUR FINGER IN THEM HOLES
AND SPIN 'EM AWHILE.
ALL RIGHT.
RECKON THAT OUGHTA DO IT.
OPERATOR.
OH, HOWDY, MA'AM.
THIS HERE IS JED CLAMPETT.
I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME STOCK.
WHAT NUMBER DO YOU WISH?
NUMBER?
OH, A COUPLE OF GOATS,
THREE PIGS,
FOUR COWS, A BULL,
A MULE, AND A DOZEN CHICKEN.
ib GiVE YOU INFORMATION.
WELL, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
I APPRECIATE ALL THE
INFORMATION YOU CAN GIMME.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME I EVER
BOUGHT STOCK ON THE TELEPHONE.
PERHAPS I'D BETTER CONNECT
YOU WITH A SUPERVISOR.
TWO HEADS IS BETTER THAN ONE.
SUPERVISOR SPEAKING.
MAY I HELP YOU?
I THANK YOU, MA'AM.
THIS HERE IS JED CLAMPETT
AND I'D LIKE TO
BUY SOME STOCK.
DO YOU KNOW THE NUMBER
YOU WISH TO REACH?
WELL, THAT'S MORE OR
LESS UP TO THE ANIMALS.
BUT THE NUMBER
I WANNA START WITH
IS A COUPLE OF GOATS,
THREE PIGS,
FOUR COWS, A BULL, A MULE,
AND A DOZEN CHICKEN.
THIS SURE ISA
DANDY PEN, JETHRO.
AS SOON AS ELLY GETS
BACK FROM THE DRYSDALE'S,
SHE CAN MILK THIS HERE GOAT.
MR. DRYSDALE SURE HAS GOT A
NICE HOUSE AIN'T IT, GRANNY?
YEP.
NICE HOUSE,
NICE CAR,
NICE JOB,
BUT THE EVIL OF DRINK
HAS SURE LAID A
HEAVY HAND ON HIS HEART.
NEVER FORGET ELLY,
DRINKIN' IS A CURSE.
BUT YOU TAKE A DRINK
NOW AND THEN, GRANNY.
UH-UVUH,
NEVER MORE THAN A THIMBLEFUL.
OH, ELLY,
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO
HOLD MRS. DRYSDALE
WHILE I SPOON MY
SOBERING-UP MASH DOWN HER.
I'LL THROW A DOUBLE SCISSORS
AND AN ARM LOCK ON HER.
JUST SO YOU DON'T
CUT OFF HER WIND
IF SHE CAN'T BREATHE...
YES.
HOWDY.
WE'VE COME TO
SEE MRS. DRYSDALE.
I'M SORRY, MADAM,
BUT MRS. DRYSDALE
CANNOT BE DISTURBED.
ARE YOU HER KIN?
I'M A BUTLER.
OH, THAT MUST HAVE
BEEN HER MAIDEN NAME.
YOU WERE TAKIN'
CARE OF HER, ARE 'YA?
I AM A BUTLER, MADAM.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO
SEE THAT HER FAMILY
AIN'T ASHAMED TO HELP HER.
WHOM SHALL I SAY CALLED?
WELL, THIS HERE'S GRANNY
AND I'M ELLY MAY.
PA AND JETHRO
WOULD HAVE COME TOO,
BUT THEY'RE BUSY
WITH THE CATTLE.
VERY GOOD.
HOLD ON, NOW.
WE'VE COME TO
SEE MRS. DRYSDALE.
MRS. DRYSDALE IS
INDISPOSED, MADAM.
SHE IS NOT RECEIVING.
OH, STILL SLEEPING
IT OFF, HUH?
WELL, WHEN SHE COMES TO,
YOU JUST SPOON
HALF OF THIS DOWN HER
AND THEN STAND BACK.
YEAH, SHE'LL COMMENCE TO
DOING SOME TALL JUMPIN’.
IT WON'T BITE ‘YA.
WE'LL BE BACK LATER
WITH THE GOAT'S MILK.
WANT ME TO STAY AND HELP
YOU DO FOR MRS. DRYSDALE?
WE'RE MANAGING, THANK YOU.
ARE YOU DOING THE
WASHING AND THE CLEANING
AND THE COOKING FOR HER?
CERTAINLY NOT.
OH, JUST LETTING IT
PILE UP ON HER, HUH?
MADAM, I AM A BUTLER.
HUH.
WANT ME TO HAUL HIM
OUTTA THERE, GRANNY,
AND WRESTLE HIM DOWN?
KINFOLKS HAVE CERTAIN RIGHTS.
FAMILY COMES FIRST.
HE SURE IS PROUD OF THAT
FAMILY NAME, AIN'T HE?
YEAH.
TO HEAR HIM TALK,
THE BUTLERS DON'T
GET WET WHEN IT RAINS.
(COW MOOING)
DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, DEAR?
(COW MOOING)
WELL, SPEAK UP, DEAR.
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
COME IN.
I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR.
THE BUTLER SAID SOME
PEOPLE FROM A RANCH
BROUGHT THIS FOR MADAME.
FROM A RANCH?
WELL, HE SAID
THEY MENTIONED CATTLE.
THEY CALLED THEMSELVES
GRANNY AND ELLY MAY.
THE CLAMPETTS, THEY
HAVEN'T GONE TO PALM SPRINGS.
(JED AND JETHRO OUTSIDE)
COME ON, JETHRO, GET 'EM IN
THROUGH THAT GATE.
THAT'S THE WAY.
SUEY, SUEY, SUEY, SUEY,
PIG, PIG.
HAW, GET IN THERE.
HAW, HEY-HAW,
GET IN THERE, P!IG.
GET IN, PIG, COME ON.
HERE PIG, PIG, PIG.
THAT'S THE WAY.
SUEY...
OH, NO, SURELY NOT.
MARIE, TELL ME
I'M HEARING THINGS.
YOU'RE HEARING THINGS, SIR.
COWS, CHICKENS, PIGS, GOATS.
NEVER MIND.
ANYTHING I CAN DO, SIR?
PRAY, MARIE, PRAY.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
HOLD YOUR HORSES,
I'M A COMING.
OH, HOWDY, MR. DRYSDALE.
DID YOUR WIFE DRINK THAT...
ELLY MAY,
WHERE'S YOUR FATHER?
HE'S TENDING THE CATTLE.
HE BROUGHT CATTLE
INTO THIS BEAUTIFUL ESTATE?
NO, HE CALLED
ON THE TELEPHONE
AND SOME MEN
BROUGHT 'EM IN A TRUCK.
YES, SIR.
I'M JUST FIXIN'
TO GO MILK THE GOAT.
COME ON OUT TO
THE STOCK PEN.
STOCK PEN.
YES, SIR, MR. DRYSDALE,
I FINALLY TOOK YOUR ADVICE
AND PUT SOME OF
MY MONEY INTO STOCK.
HOW'S THAT GOAT MILK, ELLY?
JUST FINE, PA.
THIS SURE ISA
DANDY PEN, MR. DRYSDALE.
YEAH, GOOD STOCK FENCE
AROUND THE OUTSIDE.
OF COURSE THAT ONE ACROSS
THE MIDDLE AIN'T SO MUCH.
BULL'S ALREADY JUMPED IT TWICE
AND AIN'T EVEN MATING SEASON.
GRANNY.
WE GOT OURSELVES SOME
MIGHTY FINE LOOKIN' STOCK.
OF COURSE THEY NEED
A LITTLE FATTENIN' UP.
MR. DRYSDALE
HAPPY TO SEE 'EM?
GRANNY, HE WAS SO
HAPPY HE COULDN'T TALK.
HE JUST KINDA
HUNG ON THE FENCE
AND MADE LITTLE GURGLING
NOISES IN HIS THROAT.
YEAH, WELL, THAT POOR MAN
HAS SOME JOY COMING TO HIM.
I'M GLAD TO BE
ABLE TO HELP HIM
TO FORGET HIS
TROUBLE FOR A SPELL.
HERE'S THE
GOAT'S MILK, GRANNY.
OH, GOOD, ELLY.
NOW YOU RUN THAT RIGHT
OVER TO MRS. DRYSDALE.
THAT SOBERING-UP MASH
SMARTS CONSIDERABLE
LESS YOU FOLLOW IT UP
WITH FRESH GOAT'S MILK.
ELLY, MR. DRYSDALE
EVER FIND HIS TONGUE?
YEAH, PA. WHILES
I WAS MILKIN' THE GOAT,
I HEAR-D HIM KINDA MUMBLING
LIKE HE WAS GIVING THANKS.
HE SAYS, "OH, WHAT HAVE
I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?"
LORD, LOVE HIM.
AIN'T THAT PITIFUL.
HURRY, CHILD, NOW HURRY.
YOU KNOW, GRANNY,
IT GIVES A PERSON
A MIGHTY GOOD FEELING
TO HELP A NEIGHBOR.
YOU BETCHA.
AND HE NEEDS US
"CAUSE HIS WIFE'S
KIN AIN'T NO HELP.
WHO'S THAT?
THAT HIGH AND MIGHTY
MR. BUTLER THAT'S WHO.
CAME TO THE DOOR WHEN ELLY
AND ME TOOK THE MASH OVER.
WOULDN'T LET US
SEE MRS. DRYSDALE.
WELL, NOW YOU CAN'T
HARDLY BLAME HIM
FOR NOT WANTIN'
FOLKS TO SEE YOU.
UNCLE JED,
THE BULL JUMPED
THAT LITTLE FENCE AGAIN
SO I TIED HIM BACK
OVER ON HIS SIDE.
WHERE'S MR. DRYSDALE?
I ASKED HIM TO COME
IN FOR SOME COFFEE.
IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.
YOU KNOW HOW HE WAS
HANGING ON THE FENCE
OF THE STOCK PEN.
YEAH.
KINDA GURGLIN' AND
MUMBLIN' HAPPY LIKE.
YEAH.
WELL, ALL OF THE SUDDEN,
HE POINTS UP TOWARDS
HIS HOUSE AND SAYS,
"MY WIFE, THAT'S HER WINDOW."
THEN HE GOES TEARING
OFF INTO THE BUSHES
LIKE A BEAR WAS AFTER HIM.
BET SHE TOOK SOME MASH
AND HE SEEN HER JUMPIN'.
LOOKS LIKE ELLY'S
GONNA GET THERE
WITH THE GOAT'S
MILK JUST IN TIME.
OH, SONNY, SONNY,
YOUR MUMSY JUST HAD
THE MOST GHASTLY DREAM.
I WAS GOING TO SEE
OUR NEW NEIGHBORS,
THE CLAMPETTS,
AND SUDDENLY THIS
DREADFUL GIANT APPEARED
WITH A HUGE GUN
AND SHOT MY
BEAUTIFUL FOX FUR.
ISN'T THAT
THE MOST DREADFUL...
CLAUDE,
WHAT ARE YOU EATING?
OH, DID RAVENSWOOD
BRING MY DARLING BOY
SOME NICE TEENSY SCRAPS?
CLAUDE.
CLAUDE!
MARIE!
MARIE, COME AND GET CLAUDE!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, DEAR?
CLAUDE,
HE, HE'S HAVING A
SEIZURE OR SOMETHING!
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
YES, MARIE, OPEN THE WINDOW!
YES, LET'S HAVE
SOME FRESH AIR.
NO, NO, NO, NO,
YOU TAKE CLAUDE
TO THE DOCTOR.
I'LL GET THE WINDOW.
WELL, DARLING,
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
DREADFUL.
MY NERVES ARE SHATTERED.
OPEN THE WINDOW, DEAR.
OH, IT MIGHT NOT BE
GOOD FOR YOU, MARGARET.
OH, DON'T BE SILLY, MILBURN.
I NEED OXYGEN.
BESIDES, I ADORE THE
FRAGRANCE OF THAT JASMINE
THAT GROWS ON THE FENCE
OF THAT TENNIS
COURT NEXT DOOR.
NOW OPEN THE WINDOW.
ALL RIGHT, DEAR,
BUT FIRST I HAVE A SURPRISE.
SURPRISE?
UH, HUH.
DON'T MOVE,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
GRANNY,
GRANNY,
THAT THERE BUTLER FELLA
WOULDN'T LET ME
THROUGH THAT DOOR AGAIN,
AND HE WOULDN'T
TAKE THIS MILK NEITHER.
WHY NOT?
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T
TOUCH NOTHIN' MORE FROM US
WITHOUT IT WAS STERILIZED.
WHAT'S STERILIZE?
OH, WE HAD THAT
IN SCHOOL ONCE.
THAT MEANS SOAKED IN ALKI-HOL.
ALKI-HOL?
IT APPEARS TO ME
LIKE MR. DRYSDALE'S GOT
TWO DRINKERS ON HIS HANDS.
MRS. DRYSDALE MUST
BE IN TERRIBLE SHAPE,
FIGHTING MEAN,
SCRATCHING AND CLAWING
PEOPLE AND EVERYTHING.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I HEARD HER
YELLIN' AND SCREAMIN'
CLEAN FROM UPSTAIRS.
SHE SAYS, "MARIE, MARIE,
COME AND GET CLAUDE.
SURE ENOUGH PRETTY
SOON THIS POOR GIRL
COME A RUNNIN' DOWN YELLIN’,
"TAKE ME TO THE DOCTOR.
I GOT CLAUDE."
THAT SETTLES IT.
FAMILY OR NO FAMILY,
THAT WOMAN NEEDS HELP
AND BY THUNDER,
SHE'S GONNA GET IT.
SURPRISE, SURPRISE.
MILBURN, HAVE YOU TAKEN
LEAVE OF YOUR SENSES?
YOU KNOW I'M MUCH TOO NERVOUS
TO WATCH TELEVISION.
BUT DARLING,
THE DOCTORS IN BOSTON
SAID YOUR NERVES
WERE JUST FINE.
THOSE BOSTON DOCTORS,
THEY HAD THE
AUDACITY TO TELL ME
THAT I WAS PERFECTLY HEALTHY.
I SAID, "I'M NOT PAYING
YOU ALL THAT MONEY
TO TELL ME I'M HEALTHY."
MILBURN, I DO NOT
WANT TO WATCH TELEVISION.
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WATCH IT, DEAR,
JUST LISTEN.
THERE'S AN
EXCITING WESTERN ON.
WESTERN.
MILBURN, SHUT THAT OFF
AND OPEN THE WINDOW.
I WILL...,
OH, OH, THERE WE ARE.
(GUNFIRE)
MILBURN,
ARE YOU GOING
TO OPEN THE WINDOW
OR AM I?
I AM, DEAR.
(COWS MOOING)
(SHEEP SOUNDS)
THERE YOU SEE.
THE CATTLEMEN AND THE SHEEP
MEN ARE FIGHTING IT OUT.
WELL, IF YOU
WON'T TURN IT OFF,
I WILL.
OH, DEAR, I DO ADMIT
THAT'S A VERY OLD PLOT,
BUT I'M SURE WE CAN
GET SOMETHING BETTER.
(COW MOOING)
THAT MEDICAL PROGRAM,
GO BACK TO THAT.
WELL, DON'T YOU THINK
THAT'S A BIT DEPRESSING?
I WANT THE MEDICAL PROGRAM.
ALL RIGHT.
(COWS MOOING)
MILBURN,
I STILL HEAR THE CATTLE
AND THE GOATS.
YES, YOU SEE, YOU SEE,
THIS IS THE LATEST THING
IN TELEVISION PROGRAMS,
A MEDICAL WESTERN.
MEDICAL WESTERN?
YES, YES,
I THINK IT'S CALLED
"SAGEBRUSH SURGEON."
THAT'S THE WINDOW HE
POINTED TO RIGHT THERE.
I GOTTA GET SOME
FRESH GOAT'S MILK
UP TO THAT WOMAN SOME WAY.
(COW MOOING)
(GOAT SOUNDS)
I COULD SHIMMY UP THE TREE
AND CLIMB RIGHT
IN THAT WINDOW.
AW, JETHRO, TAIN'T
FITTIN' FOR A MAN
TO BE IN A WOMAN'S BEDROOM.
HOW ABOUT ME?
NO, ELLY, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
TO HANDLE SOMEBODY
A WRESTLING IN THE GRIP
OF OLD JOHN BARLEY CORN.
I GOTTA GET UP THERE
AND HAVE A GOAT HANDY
TO MILK EVERY SO OFTEN.
I THINK I GOT IT
FIGURED OUT, GRANNY.
WHAT?
I'LL GET A ROPE,
THROW IT OVER THAT LIMB,
HOIST YOU UP TO THE WINDA.
JETHRO,
YOU GET THAT MR. BUTLER
AWAY FROM THE FRONT DOOR.
AND THEN, ELLY,
YOU TAKE A NANNY GOAT,
LEAD IT UPSTAIRS TO
HER ROOM FOR GRANNY.
ALL RIGHT, PA.
BUT THAT LITTLE GOAT
AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHIN'
UNLESS IT'S GOT THAT LITTLE
CHICKEN SITTIN' ON ITS BACK.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
RAW EGG AIN'T GONNA DO
MRS. DRYSDALE A BIT OF HARM.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(GOAT SOUND)
(CHICKEN SOUND)
MARGARET, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?
PACKING.
I'M LEAVING IMMEDIATELY.
OH, DON'T LEAVE ME.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU TOO, MILBURN.
WHY DON'T YOU COME
TO BOSTON WITH ME?
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
SONNY FOR A LONG TIME.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY HAVE YOU
SUDDENLY DECIDED
TO GO BACK TO BOSTON?
TO SEE THOSE DOCTORS.
LET THEM DARE TO TELL ME NOW
I DON'T HAVE
A NERVOUS CONDITION.
WHY I'M EVEN
HAVING HALLUCINATIONS.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
HALLUCINATIONS?
I JUST SAW A WITCH
FLY BY THAT WINDOW,
AND THERE'S A
GOAT IN THE BATHTUB
WITH A CHICKEN
RIDING ON ITS BACK.
OH, YOU COULDN'T
SEE THEM, DEAR.
ONLY SOMEONE WITH MY
SHATTERED NERVOUS SYSTEM.
THERE GOES THE WITCH AGAIN.
OH, MILBURN,
I'M THE HAPPIEST
WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
IT'S MARVELOUS.
WAIT UNTIL THOSE
DOCTORS HEAR THIS.
CAN'T GET IN THE ATTIC
AND SHE WON'T OPEN THE WINDA.
HOIST ME UP AGAIN.
HERE, MILBURN.
LET'S HAVE A VITAMIN TOAST
TO MY COMING TRIUMPH.
IT'S TOO LATE, JED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GRANNY?
WE DIDN'T GET TO HER IN TIME.
NOW SHE'S GOT HER
HUSBAND ON THE STUFF.
WELL NOWIT'S
TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
TO JED AND ALL HIS KIN.
AND THEY WOULD LIKE
TO THANK YOU FOLKS
FOR KINDLY DROPPIN' IN.
YOU'RE ALL INVITED
BACK NEXT WEEK
TO THIS LOCALITY
TO HAVE A HEAPIN' HELPIN'
OF THEIR HOSPITALITY.
HILLBILLY, THAT IS.
SETA SPELL.
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR?
THIS HAS BEEN A
FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.