The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Clampetts Meet Mrs. Drysdale - full transcript

COME AND LISTEN TO MY STORY

‘BOUT A MAN NAMED JED,

A POOR MOUNTAINEER

BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FED.

AND THEN ONE DAY

HE WAS SHOOTIN AT SOME FOOD,

AND UP THROUGH THE GROUND

COME A BUBBLING CRUDE.

OIL THAT IS,

BLACK GOLD,

TEXAS TEA.

WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW

OL' JED'S A MILLIONAIRE,

THE KIN FOLKS SAID,

"JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE".

SAID, "CALIFORNY IS THE
PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE",

SO THEY LOADED UP THE TRUCK

AND THEY MOVED TO BEVERLY,

HILLS THAT IS,

SWIMMING POOLS,

MOVIE STARS.

THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

NOW COME ALONG AND VISIT

WITH THE CLAMPETT FAMILY,

AS THEY TAKE YOU
TO THEIR MANSION

IN THE HILLS OF BEVERLY.

AND WHEN THEY DO,
YOU'LL RUN INTO

A FRIEND OF THEIRS YOU'VE MET,

THAT GOOD OLD FRIEND
WITH FILTERED BLEND,

WINSTON CIGARETTES.

WINSTON TASTES GOOD,

LIKE A CIGARETTE SHOULD.

GRANNY!

WHEREABOUTS DO
YOU WANT THE STILL?

OVER HERE ON THIS SIDE
OF THE CEMENT POND, JETHRO.

OKAY, GRANNY.

COME ON,

COME ON.

WE'S WAITIN'

TURN IT A MITE
THAT WAY, JETHRO.

ONLY ONE BAD THING

ABOUT PUTTING YOUR
STILL HERE, GRANNY.

WHAT'S THAT?

THE DRYSDALE
PLACE IS DOWNWIND.

THE SMELL OF YOUR
CORN LIQUOR A BREWIN'

IS GONNA DRIVE
POOR MRS. DRYSDALE

RIGHT OUT OF HER MIND.

SHE'S A DRINKING WOMAN.

HOW DO YOU KNOW, UNCLE JED?

WELL, HE KINDA
LET IT SLIP OUT.

REMEMBER WHEN WE WAS

UNLOADING THIS FROM THE TRUCK?

YEAH.

WELL, HE SAYS TO ME,

WHAT'S THAT?

AND I SAID,

THAT'S A STILL FOR
MAKING CORN LIQUOR.

HE TURNED KINDA WHITE
AND TREMBLY, AND HE SAYS,

OH, PLEASE, DON'T EVER
LET MY WIFE SEE THAT.

I RECKON SHE JUST CAN'T
LEAVE THE STUFF ALONE.

SOME FOLKS LIKE THAT.

TERRIBLE.

COME TO THINK OF IT,

THAT'S HOW COME
SHE'S IN BOSTON.

ON ACCOUNT OF DRINKING?

YEAH.

MISS HATHAWAY SAYS

SHE GOES ALL OVER EVERY PLACE

LOOKING TO GET CURED.

THEM CITY CURE'S NO GOOD.

THE MINUTE YOU GO TO
TAKING IT AWAY FROM THEM,

THEY WANT IT ALL THE MORE.

I COULD CURE MRS. DRYSDALE
OF HER DRINKING IN TWO DAYS.

HOW, GRANNY?

I'D JUST TELL HER SHE
COULD HAVE ALL SHE WANTED.

WHEN THEY FIND OUT YOU
DON'T CARE IF THEY DRINK,

THEY DON'T CARE TO DRINK.

THAT SURE WOULD
BE A BLESSING.

PA?

UH, OVER HERE, ELLY, NOW.

NO MORE TALK ABOUT DRINKING.

HEY, LOOK, EVERYBODY.

ELLY MAY'S WEARING A DRESS.

PA, MR. DRYSDALE'S
IN THE HOUSE TO SEE YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

MY, MY, AIN'T SHE PRETTY?

YEAH.

BUT ELLY,

YOU'RE SHOWING
TOO MUCH BARE HIDE.

WELL, THAT AIN'T
HER FAULT, GRANNY.

SHE'S JUST GOT THE
DRESS ON BACKWARD.

ELLY, HONEY,

PUT IT ON THE
OTHER WAY AROUND.

ALL RIGHT.

HOLD IT.

HOLD ON.

WHAT IN THE WORLD KIND
OF A DRESS IS THAT?

WELL, MISS HATHAWAY SAYS

IT'S A CALIFORNIA SUNDRESS.

I WOULDN'T LET NO
SON OF MINE WEAR IT.

DAUGHTER, NEITHER.

GRANNY, YOU'D BEST GET
HER INTO SOMETHING DECENT

WHILST I TALK TO MR. DRYSDALE.

UNCLE JED,

CAN I GO SWIMMING
IN THE CEMENT POND?

OH, I RECKON SO, JETHRO.

BUT THIS AIN'T LIKE THE
SWIMMING HOLD BACK HOME.

YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE
WITHOUT NO CLOTHES ON.

I CAN'T?

NO, SIR.

OKAY, UNCLE JED.

SOMEDAY I GOTTA HAVE A
LONG TALK WITH THAT BOY.

(PHONE RINGING)

MR. DRYSDALE'S OFFICE.

MISS HATHAWAY SPEAKING.

BOSTON?

THAT MUST BE MRS. DRYSDALE.

NO.

DON'T PUT HER ON.

SHE'LL ONLY
MADE MY LIFE MIS...

MRS. DRYSDALE.

HOW ARE YOU?

HOW ARE THINGS IN BOSTON?

OH, THE DOCTORS
HERE ARE JUST AS SILLY

AS THE ONES IN BEVERLY HILLS.

THEY INSIST THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

THEY'VE GOT ME SO DEPRESSED.

I JUST HAD TO CALL
AND TALK TO MY DARLING.

ARE YOU TAKING
GOOD CARE OF HIM?

OH, YES.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

HE'S STRETCHED OUT
ON THE SOFA RIGHT NOW,

HAVING HIS NAP.

HOW SWEET.

WELL, THE MOMENT HE WAKENS,

YOU TAKE HIS TEMPERATURE,

AND GIVE HIM SOME
OF THAT BLUE MEDICINE.

WHAT?

HE'S WAKING NOW?

OH, MARVELOUS.

PUT HIM ON.

TELL HIM MUMSY WANTS
TO HEAR HIS SWEET VOICE.

SPEAK TO YOUR MUMSY.

HE WHINED.

OH, HE PROBABLY
HAS A MIGRAINE.

POOR, POOR LORD SHAMILAD

SHE'S EVEN MADE A
HYPOCHONDRIAC OUT OF YOU.

ANY MESSAGE FOR MR. DRYSDALE?

WHO?

OH, MILBURN, MY HUSBAND.

YES, WELL, IS HE THERE?

NO, HE'S UP AT
THE CLAMPETT ESTATE.

CLAMPETT.

THEY BOUGHT THE
PLACE NEXT TO YOURS

JUST ABOUT THE TIME
YOU LEFT FOR BOSTON.

I DON'T FIND THEM LISTED
IN THE FIRST FAMILIES.

YOU TELL MILBURN NOT TO
MINGLE WITH THEM SOCIALLY

UNTIL I'VE HADA
GENEALOGICAL CHECK

RUN ON THEM.

WE DON'T WANT RIFF-RAFF

LIVING UNDER OUR VERY NOSES.

FOR PAIN, ONE SWALLER,

DON'T OPEN NEAR FIRES.

PA WILL BE RIGHT
IN, MR. DRYSDALE.

THANK YOU, ELLY MAY.

GRANNY,

THIS IS QUITE AN ARRAY OF
MEDICINES YOU HAVE HERE.

YEP, THEM'S ALL THE
REMEDIES I MADE MYSELF.

HMM, I WISH YOU'D MAKE
SOMETHING TO HELP MY WIFE.

SHE'S A TERRIBLE
HYPOCHONDRIAC.

OH.

WHAT'S A HYPO...

ELLY, YOU RUN ALONG NOW.

I'LL JOIN YOU DIRECTLY.

YES, SHE GOES FROM DOCTOR
TO DOCTOR TO DOCTOR.

WELL, I RECKON THE DOCTOR
CAN'T HELP WHAT'S AILING HER.

OF COURSE THEY CAN'T.

IT'S PSYCHOSOMATIC.

BUT SHE INSISTS
ON PRESCRIPTIONS.

OH, I WISH YOU COULD
SEE OUR BEDROOM,

BOTTLES ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I PLEAD WITH HER,

I HIDE THE STUFF.

SHE ALWAYS FINDS IT,

OR GETS MORE.

DO YOU THINK THAT'S
A LOT OF BOTTLES?

YOU SHOULD SEE MY WIFE
AFTER A TRIP TO THE PHARMACY.

WHY, SHE'S SO LOADED

SHE CAN HARDLY
STAGGER UP THE STAIRS.

SIT DOWN, MR. DRYSDALE.

SET YOURSELF.

AND SHE HAS A DOG.

A PERFECTLY HEALTHY POODLE.

NOW, WOULD YOU
BELIEVE THAT SHE...

DON'T TELL ME.

LAPS IT UP JUST LIKE SHE DOES.

LORD LOVE HIM.

YOU'RE SURE TOTING
A HEAVY BURDEN.

NOW MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.

NOW, IF SHE WAS TO
THINK THAT EVERY TIME

THAT SHE WAS TO...

YOU CAN JUST WEAR THAT BARREL

'TIL YOUR CLOTHES GET DRY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO JETHRO?

GET TOO CLOSE TO A SKUNK?

AH, HE JUMPED IN THE POND

WITH HIS CLOTHES ON.

MR. DRYSDALE,

I'M SORRY TO KEPT YOU WAITING.

DID GRANNY TELL YOU
ABOUT HER COMPLAINTS?

ABOUT THE KITCHEN?

JED, I'M ASHAMED TO
MENTION MY PIDDLIN' TROUBLES

TO A MAN BOGGED DOWN

WITH THE MISERY HE'S GOT.

YOU KNOW HIS WIFE.

MR. DRYSDALE,

OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO YOU.

AND WE'RE GONNA HELP YOU.

AIN'T WE, JED?

YOU BETCHA WE ARE.

A MAN SERVES A POOR
PURPOSE IN THIS WORLD

IF HE CAN'T HELP
HIS NEIGHBOR.

OH, YOU'RE VERY KIND,
BUT I'LL MANAGE.

I'VE BEEN LIVING
WITH IT FOR YEARS.

HAVE A NIP.

IT'LL BRACE YOU UP.

OH, NO, THANK YOU.

I NEVER TOUCH IT.

YOU HEAR THAT JED?

POOR MAN.

HE'S GOT ALL THE TROUBLE,

AND NONE OF THE FUN.

THERE GOES A
SOFT-HEARTED WOMAN.

YES.

NOW, ABOUT HER COMPLAINTS.

OH, YEAH.

WELL, FOR ONE THING,

THAT ELECTRIC MEAT GRINDER

HAS BEEN GIVING GRANNY
A HEAP OF TROUBLE.

ELECTRIC MEAT GRINDER?

YEAH, THIS ONE RIGHT
HERE IN THE DISH TROUGH.

OH, IT GRINDS
THE MEAT ALL RIGHT,

BUT THEN YOU CAN'T FIND IT.

IT GOES DOWN THAT PIPE.

GRANNY LOST TWO SQUIRRELS

AND A RABBIT IN THAT THING.

MR. CLAMPETT,

THAT'S A DISPOSAL.

YOU ONLY PUT THINGS IN THERE

THAT YOU DON'T WANT.

NOW, MR. DRYSDALE,

THAT AIN'T ALTOGETHER TRUE.

GRANNY SURE WANTED THEM
SQUIRRELS AND THAT RABBIT.

AND ANOTHER THING.

THIS HERE SIDEWAYS
PUMP DON'T WORK AT ALL.

WE MUST HAVE CARRIED
IN A BARREL OF WATER

TO PRIME THAT THING,

BUT IT JUST DON'T WORK.

(PHONE RINGING)

OH, THAT'S ANOTHER THING.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

THIS LITTLE THING-A-MAJIG HERE

MAKES A RINGING
NOISE LIKE THAT.

THERE IT GOES AGAIN.

OH, THAT'S THE TELEPHONE.

SOMEONE'S CALLING YOU.

I DON'T HEAR 'EM.

THEY'RE CALLING
YOU ON THE TELEPHONE.

(PHONE RINGING)

SAY HELLO INTO IT.

HELLO.

YOU HAVE TO LIFT
THE RECEIVER FIRST.

NOW SAY IT.

HELLO.

MR. CLAMPETT?

IT SAID MY NAME.

CAN YOU SEE
THROUGH THIS THING?

NO.

MR. CLAMPETT?

MAY I PLEASE SPEAK
TO MR. DRYSDALE?

WELL, THEY SURE CAN SEE,

OR ELSE HOW WOULD THEY
KNOW YOUR STANDING HERE?

THAT'S MY SECRETARY.

SHE KNOWS I'M HERE.

YES, MISS HATHAWAY.

MR. DRYSDALE.

I HAVE SOME MESSAGES.

WELL, I'LL BE DOGGONE.

GRANNY!

ELLY MAY!

COME LOOK WHAT WE GOT!

THE CLAMPETTS HAVE JUST
DISCOVERED THE TELEPHONE.

YES, INDEED, THIS
IS A MARVELOUS INVENTION.

WITH THIS INSTRUMENT,

YOU CAN TALK TO ANYONE,

ANYPLACE IN THE
CIVILIZED WORLD.

CAN WE TALK TO
MY COUSIN PEARL?

OH, YES, OF COURSE.

RIGHT NOW?

YES.

ELLY MAY,

RUN OUT BACK
AND FETCH JETHRO.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

HE MIGHT NOT HAVE
HIS CLOTHES ON YET.

OH, I'LL GET HIM.

JED, IS HE GREENIN' US?

CAN WE HONEST TO GOODNESS

TALK TO PEARL
ON THIS THING?

WELL, YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID.

HELLO PEARL, YOU OLD RASCAL.

WHATCHA DOIN' BACK THERE?

HI, THERE, AUNT PEARL,
THIS HERE'S ELLY.

AH, NO, LADIES,

FIRST YOU GOT TO
PICK THIS THING UP.

HELLO, PEARL, YOU OLD RASCAL.

WHATCHA DOING BACK THERE?

HELLO, AUNT PEARL,
THIS HERE'S ELLY.

WHAT'S SHE SAYING?

SHE AIN'T SAYING A WORD.

SHE'S JUST HUMMING.

SHE AIN'T EVEN
HUMMING A TUNE.

PEARL, SHUT UP HUMMING
AND SAY SOMETHING.

JETHRO WILL BE RIGHT IN.

YOU READY TO CALL PEARL?

WE BEEN A' CALLIN
BUT SHE JUST HUMS.

THAT'S THE DIAL TONE.

FIRST, YOU'VE GOT
TO DIAL LONG DISTANCE,

LIKE THIS.

HOWDY, PEARL.

HELLO, PEARL, YOU OLD RASCAL.

WHATCHA DOING BACK THERE?

HI THERE AUNT PEARL,
THIS HERE'S ELLY.

THIS IS LONG DISTANCE.

WE KNOW THAT, PEARL.

No, I BELIEVE
YOU HAVE THE OPERATOR.

WHAT'S PEARL'S NUMBER?

NUMBER?

OPERATOR.

JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE.

HEY, FOLKS,

MR. DRYSDALE TOLD ME

WHAT YOU ALL WAS UP TO.

YOU CAN'T TALK TO
MA ON THAT THING.

WELL, LOOK WHO'S GETTING
TOO SMART FOR HIS BRITCHES.

TOO BIG FOR 'EM, TOO.

MR. DRYSDALE SAYS
WE CAN TALK TO HER.

YEAH, YOU THINK YOU KNOW
MORE THAN MR. DRYSDALE?

WELL, I KNOW MA
AIN'T GOT NO TELEPHONE.

EXCUSE THE CALL, OPERATOR.

YOU SURE SPOILED THINGS.

YEAH, WHO ASKED
YOU TO BUTT IN?

(PHONE RINGING)

I'LL GET IT.

I KNOW WHAT TO DO
WHEN IT DOES THAT.

HELLO?

YEAH, HE'S HERE.

WELL, FOR GOODNESS SAKES.

WELL, SURE.

WELL, HOWDY THERE,
MRS. DRYSDALE, THIS HERE IS...

OH, OH, NO.

MARGARET.

OH, HOW WONDERFUL TO...

MAN?

TELEPHONE?

OH, YES,
THE TELEPHONE MAN, YES.

WELL, HOW ARE YOU?

I'M WORRIED.

THAT'S HOW I AM.

I'M AFRAID, MILBURN,

THAT YOU'VE LET THE
WRONG KIND OF PEOPLE

MOVE IN NEXT DOOR TO US,

AND I'M DREADFULLY,

DREADFULLY UPSET.

NOW, DEAR, YOU
MUSTN'T LET YOURSELF

GET INTO THIS CONDITION.

MARGARET CONTROL YOURSELF.

NO, NO DEAR.

YOU MUSTN'T COME HOME YET.

NO, NOT UNTIL WE
GET THEM IN SHAPE,

I MEAN, GET YOU IN SHAPE.

THERE'S NO HURRY YOU KNOW.

NOW, WE'LL WAIT
UNTIL YOU'RE CURED.

MILBURN.

I WANT TO MEET THE
CLAMPETTS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

NOW, WHEN WILL THAT BE?

WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS?

NEXT YEAR.

MILBURN,

THIS CONVERSATION IS
MAKING LESS AND LESS SENSE.

NOW, I WANT THE TRUTH
ABOUT THE CLAMPETTS,

SO I'M FLYING
HOME IMMEDIATELY.

NOW, MARGARET,

PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

I DON'T WANT YOU FLYING.

NO, PLEASE, DEAR, PLEASE,
STAY ON THE GROUND.

YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU LIE
DOWN AND TAKE A SEDATIVE?

AND I'LL CALL YOU
FROM THE OFFICE.

GOOD BYE.

I'M SORRY, MY WIFE...

WE UNDERSTAND.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP.

POOR MAN.

DON'T IT JUST
TEAR YOUR HEART OUT?

HE'S SO ASHAMED OF HIS WIFE,

HE DON'T EVEN
WANT US TO MEET HER.

FROM WHAT HE SAYS,

SHE WON'T BE
CURED 'TIL CHRISTMAS.

OF NEXT YEAR.

YOU GOT TO HELP HER, GRANNY.

I STILL SAY I COULD CURE
MRS. DRYSDALE IN TWO DAYS.

SURE WOULD BE WORTH A TRY.

IF WE COULD GET HER OUT HERE.

JED,

MISERY LOVES COMPANY.

AND IF THAT POOR,
MISERABLE WOMAN

THOUGHT THAT SHE
HAD A DRINKIN' FRIEND

LIVING NEXT DOOR...

GRANNY,

YOU AIN'T NEVER DOWNED

MORE THAN A THIMBLEFUL
IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

I KNOW, JED,

BUT IT'D BE WORTH
A LITTLE WHITE LIE

TO HELP A NEIGHBOR

AND SAVE A MARRIAGE.

BUT HOW?

(PHONE RINGING)

HELLO?

YES, MA'AM.

NOW, AIN'T THAT A
STROKE OF LUCK, GRANNY?

IT'S MRS. DRYSDALE AGAIN.

WELL, NO, MA'AM,

HE AIN'T HERE,
MRS. DRYSDALE.

BUT GRANNY AND ME'D
LIKE TO TALK TO YA.

WE YOUR NEXT
DOOR NEIGHBORS,

THE CLAMPETTS.

LISTEN, HONEY,

I GOT MY STILL SET UP

NOT 50 FEET FROM
YOUR BACK DOOR.

NOW, YOU COME ON HOME,

AND YOU AND ME
WILL GET GLASSY-EYED,

FALLING-DOWN CROCKED.

WE'LL GET JUICED
TO THE EYEBALLS.

HOW DOES THAT
SOUND TO YA, HONEY?

I DON'T HEAR NOTHING.

ME, NEITHER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

MY WIFE'S ON
HER WAY FROM BOSTON?

THAT'S THE MESSAGE I GOT

WHEN I TRIED TO PUT
THROUGH YOUR CALL.

SHE'S ON A JET, AR...

NEVER MIND
THE GRISLY DETAILS.

OH, I AM RUINED.

IF MARGARET GETS ONE LOOK AT
THOSE HILLBILLIES NEXT DOOR,

SHE'LL LEAVE ME.

GET MY PSYCHIATRIST OVER HERE.

MOVE OVER, CLAUDE,

I NEED THIS MORE THAN YOU DO.

MR. DRYSDALE, YOU DON'T
NEED YOUR PSYCHIATRIST.

YOU'RE LOOKING
AT THE DARK SIDE.

THERE'S A BRIGHT SIDE?

OF COURSE.

YOUR WIFE IS AN
INTELLIGENT WOMAN.

SHE'LL SEE THAT UNDERNEATH
THAT ROUGH EXTERIOR,

THE CLAMPETTS ARE
BASICALLY FINE PEOPLE.

WHY, SHE MAY EVEN HELP THEM

TO GET SOCIALLY ACCLIMATED.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DON'T NEED MY PSYCHIATRIST.

YoU DO.

YOUR WIFE...

MY WIFE,

THROUGH WHOSE
ARISTOCRATIC VEINS

FLOWS BLOOD THE
COLOR OF BLUING,

CONSIDERS ANYONE
WHOSE ANCESTORS

DID NOT ARRIVE ON THE
MAYFLOWER IMMIGRANTS.

YES, SHE DOES MAKE RATHER

A FETISH OF THE
FAMILY TREE, BUT...

BUT NOTHING, I AM STUCK.

NOW, I'M EITHER
GOING TO LOSE MY WIFE,

OR MY LARGEST DEPOSITOR.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES THE
WHOLE THING SO DIFFICULT.

YOU KNOW,
I LIKE THE CLAMPETTS.

BUT I LOVE MY WIFE.

ISN'T LIFE WEIRD?

SHE'S A SNOB,

SHE'S A HYPOCHONDRIAC,

SHE'S NOT YOUNG
AND BEAUTIFUL,

BUT I LOVE HER.

YOU KNOW, I DO
NEED MY PSYCHIATRIST.

NOW MR. DRYSDALE,

AS WE USED TO SAY AT VASSAR,

(SPEAKING LATIN)

COURAGE WILL LIGHT YOUR PATH.

YES, I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

I'LL GO TO THE AIRPORT.

I'LL TAKE MARGARET IN MY ARMS.

I'LL LOOK HER IN THE EYE,

AND LIE LIKE A RUG.

PLL TELL HER THE
CLAMPETTS HAVE LEFT TOWN,

AND PUT HER BACK ON THE PLANE.

I BESEECH YOU TO NOT BECOME
ENMESHED IN A WEB OF LIES.

BUT IT WON'T BE ALIE.

IF THE CLAMPETTS ARE TRICKED

INTO ACTUALLY LEAVING TOWN.

BUT THEY'RE JUST
GETTING SETTLED.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY
INDUCE THEM TO LEAVE TOWN?

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

ME?

YOU EXPECT ME?

BUT THEY LIKE YOU.

FINAGLE THEM INTO GOING TO
PALM SPRINGS FOR A FEW DAYS.

OH NO.

I WILL NOT HELP YOU
SPIN YOUR DECEITFUL WEB.

MISS HATHAWAY,

WOULD YOU RATHER BE
AN UNEMPLOYED SECRETARY,

OR A SPIDER WITH A RAISE?

YOU KNOW,
I THINK THE CLAMPETTS

MIGHT ENJOY PALM SPRINGS.

PALM SPRINGS, WHERE'S THAT?

IT'S ABOUT
125 MILES FROM HERE.

IN THE DESERT.

DESERT?

YEAH, REMEMBER,

WE CROSSED ONE OF
THEM ON THE WAY OUT HERE.

ALL THAT SAND?

YEAH, I REMEMBER.

YOU AIN'T GETTING
ME TO NO DESERT.

THE TREES ARE SO FAR APART,

THE WOODPECKERS
HAD TO TOTE LUNCH.

OH, BUT THIS
IS DIFFERENT, GRANNY.

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL RESORT,

WITH LOTS OF TREES,

AND FINE HOTELS
AND SWIMMING POOLS?

WE GOT A POND FOR
SWIMMING RIGHT HERE.

ELLY'S OUT SWIMMING RIGHT NOW.

SHE DIDN'T JUMP IN WITH
HER CLOTHES ON, DID SHE?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, SURELY NOT.

SHE PROMISED TO WEAR

THE LOVELY SWIM
ENSEMBLE I GOT HER.

YEAH, SHE DONE
JUST LIKE JETHRO.

HERE SHE COMES

WITH HER DRESS
SHRUNK CLEAR UP TO HER...

GRANNY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

ALL HER HAIR COME OUT.

WHAT?

IT'S TRUE.

ELLY LOST HER BEAUTIFUL HAIR.

HEAVEN HELP US,

SHE'S BALD AS AN EAGLE.

ELLY MAY, TAKE
OFF YOUR BATHING CAP.

AH, PRAISE BE.

ALL RIGHT, BUT ELLY,

YOU HADN'T OUGHT TO WENT
SWIMMING WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON

AND SHRUNK UP THAT NICE DRESS.

THIS AIN'T A DRESS,

IS IT, MISS JANE?

NO, DEAR, IT'S A BEACH JACKET

TO WEAR OVER A BATHING SUIT.

ELLY MAY CLAMPETT.

COVER UP YOUR
NAKEDNESS, CHILD.

THAT'S THE WAY EVERYONE
GOES SWIMMING OUT HERE.

IT'S PERFECTLY PROPER.

WELL, YOU WOULDN'T CATCH
ME IN NOTHING LIKE THAT.

ME, NEITHER.

MR. CLAMPETT.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE FOR
A MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY

TO BECOME PRINCESS
OF PALM SPRINGS?

WHAT?

THEY'RE HOLDING
A BEAUTY CONTEST

AT THE SPRINGS THIS WEEK,

AND SOMEONE IN THIS VERY ROOM

HAS THE FACE

AND THE FIGURE TO WIN.

WHEN THE JUDGES SEE HER
IN A BATHING SUIT...

I TOLD YOU,

I AIN'T PUTTING
ON NO BATHING SUIT.

BELIEVE ME, MR. CLAMPETT,

THIS BEAUTIFUL
DAUGHTER OF YOURS

COULD WIN THAT
PALM SPRINGS BEAUTY CONTEST

WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

CAN WE GO, PA?

I'M SORRY, ELLY MAY,

BUT I JUST DON'T
COTTON TO THE NOTION

OF A BUNCH OF STRANGERS

GAWKING AT YOUR BARE LIMBS.

BESIDES, WE ALREADY
KNOW YOU'RE THE PRETTIEST.

WHY SHAME ALL
THEM OTHER GIRLS?

NOW, RUN ALONG,
AND GET YOUR CLOTHES ON.

YES, SIR, PA.

MR. CLAMPETT, I DO WISH
YOU WOULD RECONSIDER

ABOUT GOING TO PALM SPRINGS.

EVEN IF ELLY DOESN'T...

UNCLE JED, DUKE AND...

HOWDY, MISS HATHAWAY.

JANE TO YOU, JETHRO.

WELL, JANE TO YOU, TOO.

DUKE AND ME'S ALL
SET TO GO HUNTING,

AIN'T WE DUKE?

JETHRO, HAVE YOU EVER
HUNTED IN THE DESERT?

NO, MA'AM.

OH, IT'S A FASCINATING PLACE.

YOU MIGHT EVEN SEE A MIRAGE.

IF THERE'S ONE THERE,

OL' DUKE'LL TREE IT.

HE'S THE BEST
HUNTING DOG THEY IS.

WELL, HE'LL LOVE HUNTING
AROUND PALM SPRINGS.

YOU'LL ALL LOVE PALM SPRINGS.

THEY HAVE WONDERFUL HOTELS.

HAVE YOU EVER STAYED
IN BEAUTIFUL HOTEL SUITE?

NO I AIN'T, DARLIN’.

GRANNY, LET'S YOU AND ME GO

AND LEAVE THESE
TWO LOVEBIRDS ALONE.

NO WAIT, PLEASE.

LET ME TAKE YOU
ALL TO PALM SPRINGS.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
JETHRO AND ELLY MAY,

AND ME AND GRANNY
WILL STAY HERE.

BUT THEN
MRS. DRYSDALE WOULD SEE...

I MEAN...

IS MRS. DRYSDALE COMING HOME?

IS THAT WHY YOU WAS TRYING
TO GET US OUT OF TOWN?

SO WE WOULDN'T MEET HER?

YES, THAT IS THE REASON.

I'M SO ASHAMED, I COULD DIE.

WELL NOW, DON'T GO
TO CRYING ABOUT IT.

THE WAY I LOOK AT IT,

AIN'T NOBODY GOT A RIGHT

TO BE ASHAMED OF NOBODY ELSE.

THE GOOD LORD MADE US ALL,

AND IF WE'S GOOD
ENOUGH FOR HIM,

WE SURE OUGHT TO BE GOOD
ENOUGH FOR EACH OTHER.

NOW, HOLD BACK
ON THEM TEARS.

YOU'S AMONG FRIENDS.

WHY, I REMEMBER
A LONG TIME AGO,

HEARING A FELLA SAY IT,

HE SAID IT JUST ABOUT RIGHT.

HE SAID,

"THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD

IN THE WORST OF US,

AND SO MUCH BAD

IN THE BEST OF US,

THAT IT DON'T HARDLY, UH...

IT DON'T HARDLY’...

BEHOOVE.

WELL, GO AHEAD AND BAWL,

IF IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

IF THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO YOU,

WE'LL ALL PICK UP

AND GO TO THEM
PALM SPRINGS WITH YOU.

OH, BLESS YOU.

MR. DRYSDALE WILL BE SO HAPPY.

I'LL GO HELP ELLY MAY PACK.

I'M TELLING YOU,

THAT MRS. DRYSDALE
MUST BE A MESS.

SHE'S GONNA
NEED OUR HELP, JED.

THIS IS A POOR TIME
FOR US TO BE A LEAVIN'.

YEAH, WE GOTTA HELP
HER ONCE WE GET BACK.

RIGHT NOW, WE GOTTA RESPECT
MR. DRYSDALE'S FEELINGS.

JETHRO, YOU GO
GET THE TRUCK READY.

OKAY, UNCLE JED.

REALLY, MILBURN?

THE CLAMPETTS GARDENER
SHOULDN'T LEAVE HIS CAR

PARKED IN THE FRONT
DRIVEWAY THAT WAY.

OH, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT, DEAR, YES.

OH, MARGARET, DON'T YOU
WANT TO STOP AT HOME FIRST

AND FRESHEN UP,

TAKE SOME
MEDICINE OR SOMETHING?

MILBURN, I HAVE
JUST FLOWN 3,000 MILES

TO MEET THE CLAMPETTS.

AND I INTEND TO
MEET THEM RIGHT NOW.

THEY'RE PROBABLY
OUT OF TOWN, YOU SEE,

THEY TRAVEL EXTENSIVELY.

OH, THEY'RE WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

IT'D BE A SHAME
IF YOU MISSED THEM.

BUT I KNOW HOW
ANXIOUS YOU ARE

TO GET BACK TO BOSTON,

AND YOUR DOCTORS,

AND SONNY.

HOW IS SONNY?

HOW DOES HE LIKE
HARVARD THIS YEAR?

OR IS IT YALE?

PRINCETON?

DARTMOUTH?

LET'S GO ASK HIM.

MILBURN, WHAT IS
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

MILBURN, LET GO!

LET GO, DO YOU HEAR
ME, LET GO, I SAY!

LET GO, HAVE YOU GONE MAD?

LET GO, YOU BEAST!

STEP ASIDE LADY,
I'LL SHOOT IT.

(SCREAM)

(SHOTGUN BLAST)

HELP ME GET HER
BACK IN THE CAR.

WHAT'D YOU SHOOT, JETHRO?

I THINK IT WAS A FOX.

WHO'S THAT?

MY WIFE.

AND WHY AREN'T
YOU IN PALM SPRINGS?

LET'S GET HER HOME
AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

JETHRO SHOT A FOX.

THAT'S MRS. DRYSDALE,

STEWED TO THE GILLS.

NO WONDER THEY DIDN'T
WANT US TO SEE HER.

POOR WOMAN.

YOU MEAN, POOR HUSBAND.

YEAH.

WE CAN'T GO UP
TO PALM SPRINGS

AND LEAVE OUR NEIGHBOR
AT A TIME LIKE THIS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WE GOTTA PITCH IN

AND SEE THAT
HIS WIFE GETS CURED.

UNCLE JED?

ARE WE GOING HUNTING?

MIGHT AS WELL.

IT'LL BE A WHILE BEFORE
SHE SLEEPS THAT ONE OFF.

WELL, I HOPE THERE'S
SOME POSSUM AROUND.

THESE SKINNY OLD
CALIFORNIA FOXES

AIN'T WORTH SHOOTING AT.

WELL NOWIT'S
TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

TO JED AND ALL HIS KIN.

THEY WOULD LIKE
TO THANK YOU FOLKS

FOR KINDLY DROPPING IN.

YOU'RE ALL INVITED
BACK NEXT WEEK

TO THIS LOCALITY,

TO HAVE A HEAPIN' HELPIN'

OF THEIR HOSPITALITY.

HILLBILLY, THAT IS.

SETA SPELL.

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.

Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR?

THIS HAS BEEN A
FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.