The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 6 - Trick or Treat - full transcript

COME AND LISTEN TO MY STORY

‘BOUT A MAN NAMED JED,

A POOR MOUNTAINEER

BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FED.

AND THEN ONE DAY

HE WAS SHOOTIN AT SOME FOOD,

AND UP THROUGH THE GROUND

COME A BUBBLING CRUDE.

OIL THAT IS,

BLACK GOLD,

TEXAS TEA.

WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW

OL' JED'S A MILLIONAIRE,

THE KIN FOLKS SAID,

"JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE".

SAID, "CALIFORNY IS THE
PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE",

SO THEY LOADED UP THE TRUCK

AND THEY MOVED TO BEVERLY,

HILLS THAT IS,

SWIMMING POOLS,

MOVIE STARS.

THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

NOW COME ALONG AND VISIT

WITH THE CLAMPETT FAMILY

AS THEY TAKE YOU
TO THEIR MANSION

IN THE HILLS OF BEVERLY

AND WHEN THEY DO,

YOU'LL RUN INTO

A FRIEND OF
THEIRS YOU'VE MET.

THAT GOOD OL' FRIEND

WITH FILTERED BLEND

WINSTON CIGARETTE.

WINSTON TASTES GOOD

LIKE A CIGARETTE SHOULD.

PA?

YEAH, ELLY.

ELLY MAY CLAMPETT.

WHY YOU IS THE
PRETTIEST THING...

I AIN'T NEVER IN
ALL MY BORN DAYS...

HOW DID AN OLD
MOUNTAIN GOAT LIKE ME

EVER GET A YOUNGIN' LIKE...

YOU'RE A QUEEN.

THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE

IN THAT SHINY DRESS
STANDING THERE,

YOU'RE A QUEEN.

FEEL IT, PA.

IT'S SLICKER THAN
A TOADS BELLY.

I'LL BE IT IF IT AIN'T.

WHAT KINDA DRESS
THEY CALL THAT?

WELL, THIS IS WHAT
YA CALL A BALL GOWN.

A BALL GOWN?

WELL, YOU'RE EVEN CATCHIN'
ON TO WHAT THEY'S NAMED.

WELL, MISS HATHAWAY,

SHE PINNED A
PIECE OF PAPER

ONTO EVER DRESS SHE GOT ME,

A TELLIN' WHAT IT WAS FOR.

YOU BETTER TOTE
ALONG THE SHOTGUN

TO KEEP THE FELLAS AWAY.

AH, NO, PA.

THAT'S WHAT
I'M GOIN' OUT FOR

TO MEET SOME FELLAS.

HALLELUJAH.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA
FIND OUT SOMETHIN'

I BEEN SAYIN' IS THE TRUTH.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DRESS UP IN BOYS CLOTHES

TO HAVE FUN WITH BOYS.

I'M GONNA KEEP
MY PROMISE, PA.

I AIN'T GONNA WEAR NOTHING,

BUT DRESSES FOR
THREE WHOLE DAYS.

AND I'M GONNA
KEEP MY PROMISE TOO.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE JUST
AS MUCH FUN AS YOU DID

CLIMBING TREES AND WRESTLING,

YOU CAN GO BACK TO WEARING
YOUR PANTS AND SHIRT.

GOODBYE, PA.

WHATCHA DOIN’,

KILLIN' ANTS?

GRANNY,

THIS PLACE AIN'T GOT NO ANTS.

MLL TELL YOU SOMETHIN"
ELSE IT AIN'T GOT.

THAT'S ME.

I'M GONNA PACK UP AND GO HOME.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

HOLD ON THERE.

THIS IS HOME.

NOT TO ME IT AIN'T,

AND FOR MY PART

THEY CAN GIVE BEVERLY HILLS

BACK TO THE INDIANS

OR WHOEVER ELSE
WAS FOOL ENOUGH

TO COME HERE IN
THE FIRST PLACE.

COME ON LET'S GO
IN HERE AND SIT DOWN

AND WE'LL TALK THIS
WHOLE THING OVER.

YOU JUST GOT YOUR BACK UP

‘CAUSE THE POLICE MADE US

GET RID OF ALL OUR COWS,

AND PIGS,

AND CHICKENS AND STUFF.

WELL, THAT DIDN'T HELP NONE,

BUT IF THEY DON'T ALLOW
FOLKS TO HAVE STOCK

WHY THEY GOT THAT ALL FIRED

FANCY STOCK PEN DOWN THERE?

WELL, GRANNY IT
TURNED OUT THAT,

THAT THERE WAS SOMETHIN'
CALLED A TENNIS COURT.

WHAT IN TARNATION IS A TENNIS?

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT ONE THESE DAYS,

WE'LL GET US A PAIR OF 'EM

AND GO TO RAISIN
THEM OUT THERE.

WELL, YOU GO TO RAISIN' THEM.

I'M GOING BACK HOME

WHERE I CAN GET SOME
GOOD THINGS IN LIFE

LIKE HOG JOWLS

AND POSSUM SHANK.

NOW, HOLD ON GRANNY.

JETHRO'S OUT HUNTIN'
POSSUMS RIGHT NOW.

WELL, HE WON'T FIND NONE.

I BEEN ALL OVER
THESE BEVERLY HILLS,

AND I TELL YOU IT AIN'T EASY

CLIMBING FENCES, AND WALLS

AND JUMPIN' OVER HEDGES

TO GET AROUND
THOSE CEMENT PONDS

WHERE THERE ARE A LOT
OF HALF NAKED WOMEN

LAYIN' THERE SMEARING
THEMSELVES WITH OIL

AND YELLIN' AT YOU TO,

"GET OUT, GET OUT!"

I TELL YOU, JED,

THIS PLACE IS
FULL OF THE LAZIEST,

GREASIEST, UNFRIENDLIEST

MESS OF PEOPLE

I EVER DID LAY MY EYES ON.

HERE, HERE'S JETHRO.

HI, BOY.

WHAT DID YA GET?

I GOT CHASED BY
A FELLA WITH A CLUB.

THERE YOU HERE THAT, JED?

IT'S THOSE BEVERLY HILLBULLIES

PICKING ON A
LITTLE BOY LIKE JETHRO.

COME ON JETHRO,

LOAD UP THE TRUCK

AND LET'S HEAD FOR HOME.

NOW, HOLD ON.

I THINK I KNOW
WHAT'S AILING YOU TWO.

YOU'RE JUST
PLAIN OL' HOMESICK.

WELL, I'M SICK OF THIS HOME

I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

THERE NOW, I GOT A SURPRISE

I BEEN A KINDA SAVIN'.

I RECKON NOW IS
AS GOOD TIME AS ANY

TO LET THE CAT
OUT OF THE BAG.

WE NEED PIGS, AND CHICKENS

AND HE GETS US A CAT.

NOW, THAT AIN'T
THE SURPRISE, GRANNY.

THE SURPRISE IS

PEARL'S COMIN' OUT HERE.

MA'S COMIN' OUT HERE?

YEAH, AND SHE'S BRINGING
YOUR SISTER JETHRENE.

HOT DIGGITY DOG.

YEAH, I WROTE HER A LETTER.

AND I SAID, "PEARL," I SAYS,

"WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT HERE

AND BRING JETHRENE?

WE GOTTA LOTS OF ROOM

AND PLENTY TO EAT

AND WE SURE ISA
HANKERIN' TO SEE YA."

OH, BOY, I GOTTA GET
US SOME POSSUM NOW

"CAUSE IF THERE'S ONE
THING MA AND JETHRENE LIKES

IT'S GRITS AND POSSUM SHANKS.

YOU DON'T LOOK PARTICULAR
CHEERED UP, GRANNY.

JED, YOU MIGHT FOOL THAT
BOY WITH A STORY LIKE THAT,

BUT NOT ME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SINCE WHEN CAN
YOU WRITE LETTERS?

WELL, NOW WAIT GRANNY.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

GRANNY, I DIDN'T WRITE
THAT LETTER BY HAND.

HELD THE PENCIL BETWIXT
YOUR TOES, DID YA?

NO, I WROTE IT BY A NEW WAY

THE BANKER'S
SECRETARY SHOWED ME.

IT'S CALLED DICTATATION.

WHAT'S DICTATATION?

OH, IT'S WONDERFUL, GRANNY.

YOU JUST TALK

AND SHE WRITES IT DOWN.

SHE SURE MUST WRITE FAST.

YEAH, AND WITH A BAD HAND TOO.

SHE'S GOT A BAD HAND?

IT'S THIS ONE.

SHE CALLS HER SHORTHAND.

I DON'T CARE HOW MANY
LETTERS YOU DICTATATE JED.

PEARL AIN'T A COMIN' OUT HERE,

LEASTWISE NOT RIGHT NOW.

WELL, SURE SHE IS GRANNY.

SHE'S LOOKIN' TO FIND
A HUSBAND FOR JETHRENE.

PLL TELL YOU WHO
PEARL IS A LOOKIN'

TO GET A HUSBAND FOR,

PEARL.

AND I THINK SHE'S
GOT HER CAP SET

FOR THAT OIL MAN THAT
BOUGHT YOUR SWAMP.

MR. BREWSTER?

WHY HE LIVES
CLEAN OVER TO TULSA.

YEAH, BUT PUMPIN' OIL

BRINGS HIM OVER TO YOUR PLACE,

AND I'LL BET
YOU PIGS TO POLECATS

THAT WHEN HE SHOWS UP

PEARL AIN'T FER BEHIND.

THERE HE IS.

HOLD ON, JETHRENE.

WHY, MR. BREWSTER

OF ALL PEOPLE

FANCY MEETIN' YOU HERE.

SMALL WORLD, AIN'T IT?

YES, IT CERTAINLY IS.

OH, THIS HERE'S
MY DAUGHTER JETHRENE.

THIS IS MR. BREWSTER, DEAR.

I'M PLEASED TO
MEET YOU YOUNG LADY.

HI.

MAY I GIVE YOU
A HAND, MRS. BODINE?

OH, THANK YOU,

STAY IN THE BUGGY DEAR.

CAREFUL NOW.

THERE WE ARE.

WELL, I SEE YOU GIRLS

ARE ON YOUR WAY
TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY.

WHAT KINDA PARTY?

HALLOWEEN.

WHAT'S A HALLOWEEN?

UM, YOU DON'T
CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN

HERE IN THE HILLS?

WELL, I NEVER HEARD OF IT.

WHAT'S IT LIKE?

WELL, IT'S AN OCCASION

WHERE EVERYONE
GETS DRESSED UP

IN THEIR MOST
BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES.

OH, THESE OLD THINGS,

THEY'RE JUST SOMETHIN'
I THREW TOGETHER MYSELF.

WELL, THEY LOOK LIKE
THEY CAME FROM SAKS.

WELL, THEY DIDN'T.

I MADE THEM WITH
STORE BOUGHT YARD GOODS.

DIDN'T I, JETHRENE?

YES, 'EM.

WELL, WHAT BRINGS
YOU GIRLS HERE

ON THIS BEAUTIFUL
INDIAN SUMMER DAY?

FOLLOWIN' YOU.

WE WAS HEADED
THIS WAY ANYWAY.

I PROMISED TO KEEP AN EYE ON

THE OLD HOME PLACE
FOR COUSIN JED 'MEMBER.

OH, I HOPE HE WON'T MIND

THAT I HAD A TELEPHONE
PUT IN THE CABIN.

YOU SEE WE'RE USING IT

AS A SORT OF A FIELD OFFICE.

OH, HE WON'T MIND

SPECIALLY IF YOU
WOULD SHOW IT TO ME

AND I COULD SEE FOR MYSELF

THAT THERE WAS NO
DAMAGE DONE TO THE CABIN.

WELL, THAT'S QUITE
ALL RIGHT, COME ALONG.

STAY IN THE BUGGY DEAR.

WELL, PERHAPS, SHE'D
LIKE TO STRETCH HER LEGS.

THEY'RE LONG ENOUGH NOW.

JETHRENE'S AWFUL
TALL FOR HER AGE.

SHE TAKES AFTER HER FATHER,

HER LATE FATHER THAT IS.

I'M A WIDOW.

YES, I BELIEVE YOU TOLD ME.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT

THAT'S WHEN YOU TOLD
ME YOU WAS A WIDOWER.

YES.

YOU STILL ARE, I SUPPOSE.

A WIDOWER?

UM-HUM.

OH, YES.

STAY IN THE BUGGY DEAR.

I'M GOIN' BACK

WHERE I SHOULD'VE STAYED

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

NOW, GRANNY,

BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHIN'

YOU'RE LIABLE
TO BE SORRY FER,

YOU BETTER TAKE
ANOTHER LOOK AROUND

AND SEE ALL THE NICE
THINGS WE GOT HERE

THAT YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE BACK HOME.

LIKE WHAT?

WELL, LIKE THIS GREAT BIG
COOKIN' ROOM FOR ONE THING.

WHY YOU COULD TAKE
OUR WHOLE CABIN

AND PUT IT RIGHT
IN THIS ONE ROOM.

WELL, IF YOU DID THAT,

I MIGHT STAY.

WHAT ABOUT THEM
BIG ICE BOXES?

AIN'T GOT NOTHING
LIKE THEM BACK HOME.

DIDN'T NEED 'EM.

GOT NIPPY IN THE FALL

LIKE THE GOOD LORD
INTENDED IT TO.

THIS CRAZY CALIFORNY

STAYS WARM ALL YEAR ROUND.

THAT'S AWFUL GOOD
FOR GROWIN' THINGS.

LOOK AT THAT FRUIT THERE,

DID YOU EVER IN
YOUR WHOLE BORN DAYS

EVER SEE ANYTHING AS
PRETTY AS THAT FRUIT?

DON'T SPOIL NEITHER.

DON'T TASTE NEITHER.

OH, NOW.

JETHRO ATE A WHOLE
BUNCH OF THEM GRAPES,

TWO APPLES,

A PEAR AND A WHOLE
HANDFUL OF STRAWBERRIES,

AND HE SAID THERE
WASN'T ONE BIT OF JUICE

IN THE WHOLE
KIT'N'KABOODLE OF 'EM.

HE SAID IT WAS DRY AS WAX.

IS A MIGHT DRY AND GUMMY.

MAYBE YOU AIN'T
SUPPOSED TO EAT THIS FRUIT.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH
THIS MISERABLE PLACE

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO DO NOTHIN'.

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE

COWS OR PIGS OR CHICKENS.

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO FIRE UP THE STILL

AND MAKE A LITTLE
MOONSHINE WHISKEY.

ANSWER ME,

WHAT CAN YOU DO IN
THIS BEVERLY HILLS?

WELL, YOU CAN DO
LOTS OF THINGS GRANNY,

THINGS YOU
COULDN'T DO BACK HOME.

NAME ONE.

WELL, UH.,...

YOU CAN CALL UP YOUR
FRIENDS ON THE TELEPHONE.

NO, YOU CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

"CAUSE WE AIN'T GOT NO
FRIENDS THAT'S WHY NOT.

THERE AIN'T BEEN ONE
NEIGHBOR COME A CALLIN' ON US

SINCE WE MOVED IN HERE.

OH, SO THAT'S
WHAT'S AILING YA,

NOBODY'S BEEN COMIN' TO CALL.

WELL, NOW YOU GOTTA
REMEMBER WHAT PEARL SAID,

"THIS HERE IS BEVERLY HILLS

WHERE THE MOVIE STARS LIVE."

WHAT'S THAT GOT
TO DO WITH IT?

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO
DO WITH BEING FRIENDLY?

NOTHING I JOST THOUGHT
IT MIGHT SIDETRACK YA.

WELL, IT DIDN'T.

MOVIE STARS ARE PEOPLE
JUST LIKE US, AIN'T THEY?

YES, 'CEPT THEY'S PRETTIER.

WOULDN'T IT BE
WORTH WAITING FOR

IF ONE OF THESE DAYS,

THERE COME A
KNOCK ON THE DOOR,

AND WE GO TO ANSWER IT,

AND WE OPEN UP THE DOOR

AND STANDING THERE

WOULD BE MARY PICKFORD.

MARY PICKFORD?

YEAH, WITH HER GOLDEN CURLS

HANGING DOWN HER BACK

AND HER PRETTY
LITTLE ROSEBUD MOUTH

SAYING FRIENDLY THINGS LIKE,

"HOWDY THERE.

I'M MARY PICKFORD."

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THAT?

I'D SAY WHO'S MARY PICKFORD?

THAT'S WHAT I'D SAY.

GRANNY, SHE'S
AMERICA'S SWEETHEART.

DO YOU KNOW
THAT MOVIE HOUSE

WHERE PEARL PLAYS
PIANIE ON SATURDAY NIGHTS?

I HEARD OF IT.

WELL, SHE SAYS LITTLE OL'
MARY IS EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE.

WELL, TELL ME THIS.

IF MARY PICKFORD MOVED IN

THAT LITTLE CABIN DOWN THE
CRICK FROM US BACK HOME,

WHAT WOULD WE DO?

OH, WE WOULD'VE GONE A CALLIN'

AND BROUGHT HER
OVER A MESS OF PONE

AND SKINNED POSSUM.

YEAH, AND HAS MARY PICKFORD

BROUGHT US A MESS A PONE

AND SKINNED POSSUM?

NO, SHE AIN'T.

YOU GOTTA REMEMBER GRANNY

SHE PROBABLY SPENDS
FOUR OR FIVE HOURS A DAY

JUST FOOLING WITH AND COMBING

THAT BEAUTIFUL CURL

THAT HANGS
CLEAR DOWN TO HER...

UNCLE JED?

WELL, HELLO JETHRO,

WHAT'D YA GET THIS TIME?

I GOT ARRESTED.

YEAH, POLICEMAN,

HE TOOK MY GUN AWAY.

HE SAID THEY DON'T ALLOW
HUNTIN' IN BEVERLY HILLS.

THAT DOES IT.

THAT DOES IT.

THEN HE POINTED
TO OLD DUKE HERE

AND HE SAID, "HAS THAT
DOG HAD HIS RABIES SHOT?"

AND I SAID, "NO, SIR.

THAT DOG AIN'T
HAD NOTHING SHOT,

I'M CAREFUL WITH A GUN."

WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID,
"OH, A WISE GUY, HUH?"

SO HE PUT DUKE AND
ME IN HIS POLICE CAR,

BUT WE JUMPED OUT AND RUN.

OH, IS MA AND
JETHRENE HERE YET?

NO, AND THEY AIN'T A COMIN’.

NOW, IF YOU WANNA
SEE YOUR MA AND SIS,

YOU PACK UP THAT TRUCK,

AND YOU AND ME,

WE'LL SKEDADDLE BACK HOME

WHERE FOLKS IS FRIENDLY.

NOW, GRANNY.

DOGGONE, IF SHE AIN'T
THE MULIEST LITTLE WOMAN.

GRANNY,

NOW JUST A MINUTE.

NOW, GRANNY, WILL YOU
JUST LET ME SAY ONE THING?

WELL, YOU BE QUICK

"CAUSE I GOTA
LONG TRIP AHEAD OF ME.

GRANNY,

I KNOW IT AIN'T BEEN
EASY FOR YA OUT HERE.

NEW THINGS IS ALWAYS VEXING,

ESPECIALLY AT YOUR AGE,

BUT I'M BOUND AND DETERMINED

TO KEEP THIS FAMILY TOGETHER.

AND IF YOU GO
BACK TO THE HILLS,

WE'S ALL GOING WITH YOU.

NOW, I'M ASKING
YA PLEASE TO STAY,

NOT FOR MY SAKE,

BUT FOR ELLY MAY.

GRANNY,

WHAT THIS PLACE
HAS DONE FOR HER

IS A PLAIN MIRACLE,

WHY THAT WILD INJUN
HAS BECOME A GRAND LADY.

I WISH YOU COULDA SEEN
HER GO OUT THAT DOOR

LOOKIN' LIKE A
QUEEN IN A PICTURE BOOK.

I TELL YA, I JUST WANTED
TO SIT DOWN AND BALL,

THE WAY YOU DONE
WHEN I MARRIED HER MA.

NOW, SHE'S JUST...

PA?

SHE'S OUT THERE NOW.

NOW, NOW, JUST WAIT, GRANNY.

WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE.

IN HERE, ELLY MAY.

PA, YOU SURE WERE RIGHT.

OH, HI, GRANNY.

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WEAR BOYS CLOTHES

TO HAVE FUN WITH BOYS.

ELLY MAY, YOU PROMISED
ME YOU WOULDN'T WRESTLE.

I AIN'T BEEN WRESTLIN'.

THEN WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
DOIN' IN YOUR BALL GOWN?

DOIN' WHAT I'M
SUPPOSED TO DO,

PLAYIN' BALL.

OH, I MADE TWO TOUCHDOWNS

AND KICKED THREE FIELD GOALS.

WELL, YOUR COUSIN
CERTAINLY SEEMS ANXIOUS

FOR YOU TO COME TO
BEVERLY HILLS, MRS. BODINE.

WILL YOU?

MRS. BODINE?

YEAH.

WILL YOU?

YEAH.

WILL I WHAT?

GO TO BEVERLY HILLS

TO VISIT YOUR
COUSIN, MR. CLAMPETT.

OH, WELL,

NOT RIGHT NOW.

I'M AWFUL BUSY.

YOU SEE, I DO FANCY SEWIN'

AND HAT MAKIN’,

AND GIVE BEAUTY COURSES,

AND PERSONALITY BUILDING

AND MUSIC LESSONS.

THEN ON SATURDAY,

I PLAY THE PIANO OVER
THE MOVIE SHOW TO OXFORD

AND THEN OF COURSE,
THERE ARE MY YOUNG ONES,

JETHRO AND JETHRENE.

OF COURSE,
THEY'RE NO TROUBLE.

JETHRO'S IN CALIFORNIA

AND JETHRENE SHE'S
FIXIN' TO GET MARRIED.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

WHEN'S THE WEDDING?

SOON AS SHE FINDS A FELLA.

I SEE.

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY ARE
A BUSY WOMAN, MRS. BODINE.

YEAH.

AS COUSIN JED USED TO SAY,

"PEARL," HE'D SAY,

"THE FELLA THAT GETS YOU

SURE DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT SUPPORTIN' YA".

AH, HA, HA, HA.

WELL, THIS IS THE PHONE

I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

IT'S CALLED A FIELD TELEPHONE.

NOW, WITH THIS I CAN
COMMUNICATE DIRECTLY

WITH THE MEN WORKING
AT THE DRILLING SITE.

ANY YOUNG MEN DOWN THERE?

OH, YEAH.

ANY UNMARRIED YOUNG MEN?

I'M SURE THERE ARE.

ANY TALL,
UNMARRIED YOUNG MEN?

WELL, THEY'RE
PROBABLY ALL SIZES.

YEAH,

SUPPOSE IT GETS
PERTTY LONESOME

WORKIN' DOWN THERE.

IT'S VERY LIKELY.

THIS IS RATHER
AN ISOLATED AREA.

UM-HUM.

ANY 'SPECIALLY TALL,

‘SPECIALLY LONESOME,

UNMARRIED YOUNG ONES?

I DON'T THINK I CAN
CALL ANY BY NAME, NO.

UM-HUH.

WELL,

I WAS JUST WONDERIN'.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM?

COULD YOU TELL ME

WHERE THE OIL DRILLERS
ARE WORKING TODAY?

WELL, NOW,

WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

REBECCA OF SUNNYBROOK FARM,

AND PRETTY TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?

I GOT SOMETHIN
HERE JUST FOR YOU.

A GENUINE FRENCH GARTER

IMPORTED ALL THE
WAY FROM PARIS, FRANCE.

THEY USUALLY SELL FOR $90.50,

BUT HONEY, YOU CAN
HAVE IT FOR A QUARTER.

LISTEN, HONEY,

I'M GONNA BE AROUND
A COUPLE OF DAYS.

YOU BUSY SATURDAY NIGHT?

WELL, YOU ARE NOW,

AND THERE'S A DANCE
OVER IN HOOTERVILLE.

OOOWEEE,

I BET YOU'RE
AN ARMFUL OF MAMA.

I MEAN IT, HONEY.

I LIKE BIG GIRLS,

YA JUST DO THINGS TO ME.

YOU CARRY ME AWAY.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

GRANNY!

GRANNY!

OH, THERE YA ARE.

ARE YOU...

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

I'M FIGURIN'.

AND I FIGURE
BEST WHEN I'M FISHIN'.

AIN'T NO FISH IN THERE.

I AIN'T FISHIN' FOR FISH.

I'M FISHIN' FOR FIGURIN'.

OKAY.

WHAT KINDA
FIGURIN' YA FISHIN' FOR?

I'M FISHIN' TO FIGURE

HOW I CAN GET HOME.

NOW, GRANNY,

I'VE BEEN DOIN’
SOME FIGURING TOO

AND, YOU KNOW,

I THINK I GOT IT FIGURED OUT

HOW COME THE NEIGHBORS
AIN'T COME TO VISIT US.

I'M LISTENIN’.

WELL, THE WAY
I GOT IT FIGURED,

OUT HERE IN BEVERLY HILLS

INSTEAD OF THEM
COMIN' TO SEE US,

WE GO TO SEE THEM.

HOW COME?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW COME.

THAT'S JUST THE
WAY I GOT IT FIGURED.

MIGHTY CONVENIENT FIGURIN'.

GRANNY, IT
WOULDN'T DO NO HARM

TO GIVE IT A TRY.

ALOT OF THINGS IS
DIFFERENT OUT HERE.

WELL, I'LL FISH
ON IT FER A SPELL.

I THINK I CAUGHT SOMETHIN’.

HE'S LIKE A WHALE.

WHO SAID THERE
AIN'T FISH IN HERE?

WELL, THAT THE
PRETTIEST I EVER SEEN.

I GOTCHA, YOU RASCAL.

I'M GONNA THROW YOU
RIGHT IN THE FRYING PAN.

THIS THING AIN'T
NOTHIN' BUT SKIN.

THAT'S YOUR
BEVERLY HILLS FOR YA,

ALL FLASHY AND
SHOW ON THE OUTSIDE

AND NOTHING ON THE
INSIDE WHERE IT COUNTS.

FISH AND PEOPLE

IS TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

WE'RE GOIN' A CALLIN
ON OUR NEIGHBORS

AND THEN WE'LL DO OUR JUDGIN'.

WELL, LET'S SEE NOW,

WHICH NEIGHBOR
SHOULD WE CALL ON FIRST?

MR. DRYSDALE IS OFF
IN BOSTON WITH HIS MISSES,

SO LET'S GO THIS WAY.

IF YOU ASK ME,

LET'S GO BACK THAT WAY.

NOW, GRANNY.

YOU PROMISED.

COME ON EVERYBODY, LET'S GO.

YOU RECKON THEY'LL GIVE US

A MESS OF PONE
OR SOMETHIN", PA?

OR MAYBE SOME
SALTED DOWN POSSUM.

THEY'LL PROBABLY
THROW LYE ON US.

(DOORBELL)

I'M NOT EXPECTING
ANYONE, AGNES.

OH, IT'S PROBABLY
JUST SOME CHILDREN

PLAYING TRICK
OR TREAT, MA'AM.

OH, YEAH.

HI, MA'AM,

WE'S THE CLAMPETTS.

YOU GOT SOMETHIN' FOR US?

JETHRO.

AREN'T YOU
RATHER BIG FOR THIS?

YES, MA'AM, WE ARE.

IN FACT, I DON'T
SEE HOW ANYBODY

GETS THROUGH THAT LITTLE DOOR.

JUST A MINUTE.

COME IN.

COME IN AND SET A SPELL

AS YOU FOLKS
SAY UP IN THE HILLS.

WELL, WE THANK YA.

WE GOT ALOT
OF CALLS TO MAKE,

BUT THIS HERE IS GRANNY.

HOWDY.

HELLO.

AND MY DAUGHTER ELLY.

OH.

MY NEPHEW JETHRO.

JETHRO.

AND I'M JED.

HELLO, JED.

I'M AGNES.

JUST CALL ME AGGIE.

MIGHTY NICE PLACE
YOU GOT HERE, AGGIE.

OH, SHUCKS,

T'AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT
A HEAP OF BRICKS,

BUT WE CALL IT HOME.

WELL, SURE IS NICE
TO HAVE MET UP WITH YA.

OH, NOW, WELL, WAIT,

WAIT JUST A MINUTE,

I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YA.

WAIT A SECOND.

HERE YA GO, GRANNY AND ELLY.

THAT'S FOR YOU,

AND JETHRO,

FOR YOU AND JED.

THERE.

WELL, THANK YOU.

THAT'S MIGHTY
NEIGHBORLY OF YA

AND YOU MUST COME
AND SEE US SOMETIME.

YEAH, WE'LL GO
HUNTIN' TOGETHER.

HEY, AGGIE,

DO YOU LIKE TO PLAY FOOTBALL?

LOVE IT.

WELL, THERE'S A
WHOLE BUNCH OF FELLAS

THAT PLAYS IN THE PASTURE
DOWN THE WAY A PIECE,

AND THE Y'D LIKE IT JUST FINE

IF I COULD BRING
SOME MORE GIRLS ALONG.

NOW, DON'T FORGET.

PLEASE, CAN WE GO OUT NOW?

NOT YET CHILDREN,

NOT 'TIL IT GETS DARK.

AIN'T THAT THE
MOST PITIFUL THING.

HEART RENDERING,

JUST HEART RENDERING.

NICE LOOKIN' WOMAN,

FRIENDLY AS YOU PLEASE,

BUT THEM YOUGINS IS
THE HOMELIEST I EVER SEE.

NO WONDER SHE DIDN'T
WANNA COME A CALLIN' ON US.

YEAH.

RECKON I'D STAY HOME TOO

IF MY KIDS LOOKED LIKED THAT.

JED,

I AIN'T NEVER GONNA SAY

A BAD WORD ABOUT NOBODY.

I KNOW WHAT YA MEAN.

SEEMS EVERY HOUSE WE WENT TO

THEY WAS NICE TO
US, WASN'T THEY?

SURE WAS, JED.

HEY, LISTEN EVERYBODY,

IGOT A IDEA.

LET'S CALL UP COUSIN PEARL

AND TELL HER
TO COME ON OUT HERE.

UNCLE JED, YOU CAN'T
CALL MA ON THE TELEPHONE.

WELL, MR. DRYSDALE SAID

WE CAN CALL ANYBODY
WE HAD A MIND TO.

WELL, MA, SHE AIN'T GOT
NO TELEPHONE AT HOME.

DON'T MATTER.

SHE AIN'T NEVER HOME NO HOW.

THE WAY I LOOK AT IT,

YOU CAN'T NEVER TELL WHAT
YOU CAN DO UNTIL YOU TRY.

DON'T FORGET
TO SPIN THE WHEEL.

HOWDY, MA'AM.

I WANNA TALK TO
PEARL BODINE BACK IN OXFORD.

THAT'S RIGHT, OPERATOR,

J.D. CLAMPETT
IN BEVERLY HILLS.

JED'S SURE GONNA BE SURPRISED

TO HEAR ME TALKIN'
AT HIM ON THIS THANG.

OH, THEY'RE READY
TO MAKE THE CONNECTION.

HELLO?

PEARL?

YES.

1S THAT YOU JED?

YOU BETCHA, IT T'IS.

HELLO, PEARL, YOU OL' RASCAL,

WHATCHA DOIN' DOWN THERE?

HI THERE, AUNT PEARL,

THIS HERE'S ELLY.

JETHRO, TALK IN A MINUTE,

BUT FIRST I
WANNA SAY SOMETHIN".

YOU GOTTA COME OUT
HERE TO BEVERLY HILLS

AND BRING JETHRENE.

IF SHE CAN'T GET
A HUSBAND OUT HERE,

THERE AIN'T NO HOPE.

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN

SO MANY HOMELY YOUNGINS

IN ALL YOUR BORN DAYS.

WELL NOWIT'S
TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

TO JED AND ALL HIS KIN.

AND THEY WOULD LIKE
TO THANK YOU FOLKS

FOR KINDLY DROPPIN' IN.

YOU'RE ALL INVITED
BACK NEXT WEEK

TO THIS LOCALITY

TO HAVE A HEAPIN' HELPIN'

OF THEIR HOSPITALITY.

HILLBILLY THAT ?{S.

SETA SPELL.

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.

Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR.

THIS HAS BEEN A
FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.