The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 3 - Meanwhile, Back at the Cabin - full transcript

COME AND LISTEN TO MY STORY

‘BOUT A MAN NAMED JED,

A POOR MOUNTAINEER

BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FED.

AND THEN ONE DAY

HE WAS SHOOTIN AT SOME FOOD,

AND UP THROUGH THE GROUND

COME A BUBBLING CRUDE.

OIL THAT IS,

BLACK GOLD,

TEXAS TEA.

WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW

OL' JED'S A MILLIONAIRE,

THE KIN FOLKS SAID,

"JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE".

SAID, "CALIFORNY IS THE
PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE",

SO THEY LOADED UP THE TRUCK

AND THEY MOVED TO BEVERLY,

HILLS THAT IS,

SWIMMING POOLS,

MOVIE STARS.

THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

NOW COME ALONG AND VISIT

WITH THE CLAMPETT FAMILY

AS THEY LEARN
THE SIMPLE PLEASURES

OF THE HILLS OF BEVERLY,

AND THAT INCLUDES THE PRODUCTS

OF YOUR SPONSOR OF THE WEEK,

THE CEREALS OF KELLOGG'S,

KELLOGG'S OF BATTLE CREEK.

K-E DOUBLE L, O DOUBLE GOOD,

KELLOGG'S BEST TO You.

WELL, JETHRO,

WHAT DO YOU GOT
TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

I DIDN'T BUST IT, HONEST.

HE'S TELLING THE
TRUTH, MR. DRYSDALE.

IT WAS HANGING IN PIECES
LIKE THAT WHEN WE MOVED IN.

YES, SIR.

NO, IT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE LIKE THAT.

IT WAS MADE THAT WAY.

IT'S BEEN LIKE
THAT FOR 200 YEARS.

200 YEARS.

HEY, THIS HOUSE IS
OLDER THAN IT LOOKS.

JETHRO?

OH, I PLUM FORGOT.

GRANNY WANTS TO
SEE YOU, SKEDADDLE.

ALL RIGHT, UNCLE JED.

NICE BOY.

TO THINK HIS MA,
MY COUSIN PEARL,

GIVE ME THE NOTION
TO MOVE OUT HERE.

WELL, I'M MOST
GRATEFUL TO HER.

OH, BUT FIRST
I WANTED TO EXPLAIN

ABOUT THIS PRICELESS
CRYSTAL CHANDELIER.

IT WAS DESIGNED AND MADE
FOR THE LOUIS THE XV,

HUNG IN THE HALL OF
MIRRORS AT VERSAILLES.

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
RAN CAMPAIGNS

BY THE LIGHT OF
THAT CHANDELIER,

TALLEYRAND USED IT,

WELLINGTON,

DISRAELI,

BISMARCK,

WILSON.

MR. DRYSDALE,

WE'RE JUST PLAIN FOLK,

WE DON'T MIND A FEW
THINGS BEING SECOND HAND.

GETTING BACK
TO MY COUSIN PEARL,

SHE'S LOOKING AFTER
THE OLD HOME PLACE FOR ME.

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN MY
FAMILY HOME, HAVE YOU?

NO, I HAVEN'T, MR. CLAMPETT.

IT'S A DANDY.

YES, THOSE SOUTHERN
MANSIONS ARE BEAUTIFUL.

I SUPPOSE IT HAS THE
LARGE WHITE PILLARS?

IT DID,

BUT WE BRING THEM ALONG

AND PUT THEM ON
THE BEDS OUT HERE.

NO, YOU SEE,

I WAS REFERRING
TO WOODEN PILLARS.

OH, AIN'T NEVER
SLEPT ON ONE OF THEM,

WE HAD EVERYTHING
FIRST CLASS BACK HOME.

SURE HOPE PEARL'S TAKING
GOOD CARE OF THAT PLACE.

WELL, HELLO THERE.

OH, WHY YOU'RE MR. BREWSTER

FROM THE OIL COMPANY

THAT PAID COUSIN JED

ALL THAT MONEY FOR HIS SWAMP.

25 MILLION TO BE EXACT.

YOU AIN'T HERE TO
BACK OUT, ARE YOU?

OH, NO INDEED.

YOUR COUSIN'S MONEY IS SAFE

IN THE BANK IN CALIFORNIA.

I JUST THOUGHT
YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW

THAT I HEARD FROM THE BANK

AND YOUR FAMILY
ARRIVED IN BEVERLY HILLS

SAFE AND SOUND.

OH, THAT IS GOOD NEWS.

MY SON JETHRO
DROVE 'EM OUT, YOU KNOW.

YES, I KNOW HE DID.

OH, I HAVE SOMETHING
HERE FROM THE BANK;

I THINK YOU'LL ENJOY IT.

FOR ME.

THEY TOLD ME AT YOUR
HOUSE I'D FIND YOU HERE.

WELL, I PROMISED COUSIN JED

I'D KEEP AN EYE ON THE
OLD HOME PLACE FOR HIM.

IT'S A LONG TRIP
FROM MY HOUSE,

BUT I'M GLAD TO DO IT FOR JED.

THAT'S NICE OF YOU.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,

CAN I HELP YOU
LOOK FOR THAT MONEY?

OH, IT'S NOT MONEY,

IT'S PICTURES OF THE ESTATE

THAT MR. DRYSDALE AS
PRESIDENT OF THE BANK

PURCHASED FOR HIM
IN BEVERLY HILLS.

OH.

THIS IS NOW THE
JED CLAMPETT ESTATE.

LAND TO MERCY, LOOK AT THAT.

WHY IT'S BIGGER
THAN THE STATE CAPITOL.

QUITE A CHANGE FROM
THIS PLACE ALL RIGHT.

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?

OH, THAT'S THE SWIMMING POOL.

SWIMMING POOL?

YEAH, IT'S QUITE ORNATE.

OH, MY SON JETHRO'S
GOING TO LIKE THAT.

GRANNY,

WHEN WE'S DONE WASHING,

CAN I GO SWIMMING
HERE IN THE CEMENT POND?

COURSE NOT,

I DON'T ALLOW NOBODY

TO SPLASH AROUND
IN MY WASH WATER.

AIN'T THERE NO PLACE
ELSE YOU CAN WASH?

THE CEMENT POND'S
THE ONLY WATER WE GOT.

THE PLACE AIN'T GOT A WELL,

IT AIN'T GOT A CREEK,

AIN'T EVEN GOT A RAIN BARREL

TO CATCH WHAT
COMES OUT OF THE SKY.

WELL, WHEN THAT
BANKER FELLA SEEN ME

UNLOADING YOUR WASHTUB

AND SCRUBBING BOARD,

HE SAID WHY YOU
CAN THROW THAT AWAY,

WE DON'T USE THEM THINGS
HERE IN BEVERLY HILLS.

NOW YOU LISTEN
HERE TO ME, BOY.

I DON'T CARE HOW OTHER
FOLKS LIVE IN BEVERLY HILLS,

BUT US CLAMPETTS
IS GOING TO BE CLEAN.

YES, MA'AM.

MAY NOT HAVE IT AS NICE

AS WE HAD IT BACK
HOME IN THE CABIN,

PUMP RIGHT IN THE
HOUSE AND EVERYTHING,

BUT WE AIN'T GOING
TO LOWER OUR STANDARDS.

NO, MA'AM.

HERE, RINSE THESE
THINGS OUT FOR ME.

WE GOT TO GET THIS
TUB BACK TO THE KITCHEN

FOR ELLY'S BATH.

YEP,

BEING CLEAN IS A STRICT
RULE OF YOUR UNCLE JED.

LET ME LOOK YOU OVER.

MANY THE TIME

WE'VE BEEN DOWN TO OUR
LAST PIECE OF FAT BACK.

I'D SAY, "SHOULD
I COOK IT TO EAT IT

OR SHALL I RENDER
IT DOWN FOR SOAP?"

HE'D SAY, "NO,

RENDER IT DOWN
FOR SOAP, GRANNY.

THE LORD WILL
FEED US POOR FOLKS,

BUT WE GOT TO DO
OUR OWN WASHING."

BUT UNCLE JED AIN'T
POOR NOW, GRANNY.

HE GOT 25 MILLION DOLLARS.

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK
THAT'S GOING TO LAST

IF WE GO THROWING IT AWAY

ON STORE BOUGHT SOAP?

WASTE NOT,

WANT NOT.

NOW HERE'S THE VIEW
OF THE ENTRANCE HALL.

MY STARS AND GARDEN,

WHY IT'S A PALACE.

WHO EVER WOULD OF THOUGHT

THAT MY COUSIN JED

WOULD BE LIVING IN
AN ESTATE LIKE THIS.

WELL THE CREDIT IS YOURS.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
TALKED HIM INTO MOVING.

OH, WELL,

I PUT THE NOTION
IN HIS HEAD,

BUT IT WAS REALLY ON
ACCOUNT OF ELLY MAY HE WENT.

YES, HIS DAUGHTER WILL
HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE

AS A BEVERLY HILLS DEBUTANTE.

CAN'T YOU JUST SEE
THAT BEAUTIFUL GIRL

DESCENDING THIS
MAGNIFICENT STAIRWAY?

I SURE CAN.

ELLY MAY,

I DON'T RECKON THAT'S
THE WAY A YOUNG LADY

COMES DOWN THE STEPS
IN BEVERLY HILLS.

IS IT, MR. DRYSDALE?

WELL, NOT AS A RULE, NO.

OH, I CAN COME
DOWN THE OTHER WAY

WATCH THIS.

HOW'S THAT?

WELL, THAT'S NOT
EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

WELL, SHOW ME.

NO, MY SECRETARY
WILL SHOW YOU.

OH, SHE'S IN TOWN

DOING SOME SHOPPING FOR YOU.

OH, WHAT'S SHE GETTING ME?

WELL, NOW THAT'S GOING
TO BE A SURPRISE, ELLY,

BUT IT'S SOME THINGS
YOU'D BEEN A NEEDING

AND THEY'RE GONNA BE PRETTY

AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THEM.

THINGS I'D BEEN A NEEDING?

A SET OF MUSKRAT TRAPS?

A THREE BLADE FROG-STICKER?

NO.

A READY MADE SLING SHOT?

NO, ELLY, YOU'RE
WAY OFF THE TRACK.

NOW YOU WAIT TILL
MISS HATHAWAY GETS HERE

AND YOU'LL SEE.

YES, WELL, I'LL BE
PUSHING ALONG TO THE BANK.

NOW DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT
YOUR DAUGHTER, MR. CLAMPETT.

WHEN MY SECRETARY
GETS THROUGH WITH HER,

YOU'LL THINK SHE'S BEEN
TO BE FINISHING SCHOOL.

SURE WISH MY COUSIN
PEARL WAS OUT HERE

FIXING ELLY UP.

SHE'S A WIZ AT FANCY SEWING.

OH, IS SHE A DRESS MAKER?

THAT WOMAN CAN MAKE ANYTHING.

WHY SHE CAN PICK UP
A HAND FULL OF STRAW

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW
IT SHE'S MADE A HAT.

WELL, THAT'S REMARKABLE,

SO SHE'S A MILLINER?

NO, SHE'S A CLAMPETT.

SHE MARRIED A BODINE.

I DON'T RECALL
KNOWING THE MILLINERS.

MILLINERS ARE
WOMEN WHO MAKE HATS.

THAT'S PEARL ALL RIGHT,

BUT SHE'S A CLAMPETT.

WHEN YOU TALK
ABOUT MAKING HATS,

PEARL MADE HERSELF
A HAT ONE TIME

WAS SHAPED JUST
LIKE A BIRDS NEST

AND IN THERE ON THE NEST

WAS THIS BLUE JAY

A SITTING ON HER EGGS.

WELL SIR,

THEY COME FROM
EVERYWHERE TO SEE THAT HAT,

TO STUDY IT

TO SEE HOW PEARL MADE IT,

SO'S THEY COULD COPY IT.

BOY, THERE WAS DOZENS
OF THEM FROM ALL AROUND.

HAT DESIGNERS?

NO, BLUE JAYS.

NEVER DID CATCH ON
TO GOOD WITH PEOPLE.

FOR A WHILE THERE,

PEARL COULDN'T HARDLY
GO OUT OF THE HOUSE

WITHOUT A BUNCH OF BLUE JAYS

TAKING OUT AFTER HER.

SURE WISH SHE WAS OUT HERE.

SHE'D HAVE ELLY SLICK AS
A PICTURE IN A CATALOG.

YEP, I OUGHT TO BE OUT THERE

IN BEVERLY HILLS
HELPING COUSIN JED.

WELL, HE CERTAINLY HAS
PLENTY OF ROOM FOR YOU.

THIS MANSION OF HIS

HAS 32 ROOMS AND 14 BATHS.

14 BATHROOMS?

YES.

A SUNKEN MARBLE BATHTUB.

I COULD JUST SEE ELLY MAY

A HAVING HERSELF

A BUBBLE BATH IN THERE.

I TELL YOU, MR. BREWSTER,

THE MORE I SEE
OF THESE PICTURES,

THE MORE I WANT
TO GET OUT THERE

AND HELP COUSIN JED.

OF COURSE I WOULDN'T
GO WITHOUT BEING ASKED.

WELL, NATURALLY.

BUT, UH...

YOU KNOW,
I THINK YOU SHOULD GO.

I'VE BEEN ASKED.

WELL, NOW IT'S NOT
EXACTLY MY PROVINCE.

I MEAN I,

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TELEPHONE YOUR COUSIN

AND TALK TO HIM.

OH, WHY THERE
AIN'T A TELEPHONE

WITHIN 40 MILES OF THIS PLACE.

NEAREST ONE I GUESS IS

AT THE INTERNATIONAL EMPORIUM

CLEAN OVER TO OXFORD.

WELL, I'LL BE HAPPY
TO DRIVE YOU OVER THERE.

OH, I COULDN'T LET YOU
DRIVE ME ALL THAT WAY

JUST TO USE THE TELEPHONE,

BUSY OIL COMPANY
MAN LIKE YOU,

THAT'S 40 MILES.

IT'S NO TRIP
AT ALL IN THIS CAR.

NO, I COULDN'T DO IT.

WHY, FOLKS WOULD
SEE ME RIDING

IN THIS BIG SHINY CAR

WITH A TALL GOOD
LOOKING CITY FELLA.

WHY SURE AS THE WORLD
THEY'D THINK THAT...

LET'S GO.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR HORSE AND BUGGY?

OH, JUST UNTIE BETSY,

SHE'LL GO ON HOME.

WELL, BETSY'S HEADED
FOR HOME ALL RIGHT.

MRS. BODINE,

HOW LONG HAS YOUR
BUGGY BEEN HITCHED THERE?

ABOUT AN HOUR WHY?

WHY A BLUE JAY BUILT
HER NEST ON THE SEAT

AND SHE WAS
SEATING ON HER EGGS.

OH SHOOT,

I WANTED TO WEAR THAT.

AND HERE'S MISS HATHAWAY.

EL CAPITAINE,

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

FINE, READY FOR ELLY MAY?

GENTLEMAN,

AIDED AND ABETTED

BY THE GOSSAMER GARMENTS,

EXOTIC LOTIONS AND

OTHER FEMININE
APPURTENANCES

WITHIN THESE CARTONS,

I'M READY TO ASSUME
THE ROLE OF PYGMALION

AND TRANSFORM THAT
BAREFOOT GALATEA

INTO A STRIKING AND
SOPHISTICATED PARAGON

OF BEVERLY HILLS LU COUTURE.

THAT'S YES THE HARD WAY.

WELL, DUTY CALLS.

I LEAVE YOU IN CAPABLE HANDS.

GOODBYE, MR. CLAMPETT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

CHIEF.

WELL, THAT SURE IS NEIGHBORLY
OF YOU, MISS HATHAWAY.

YOU RECKON YOU CAN
HANDLE ELLY MAY?

UNCLE JED,

GRANNY SAYS...

OH, HOWDY MISS HATHAWAY.

OH, BONJOUR JETHRO.

CARRY THEM THINGS IN
FOR MISS HATHAWAY, JETHRO.

I THINK SHE KINDS
OF LIKES YOU, BOY.

SHE DOES?

WELL, I CAN'T TAKE
THEM INTO THE HOUSE.

THAT'S WHAT I COME
OUT HERE TO TELL YOU.

GRANNY SAYS THAT
ALL THE MEN FOLKS

GOT TO STAY OUT OF THE HOUSE

WHILE ELLY MAY'S
TAKING HER BATH.

OH.

BUT ISN'T ELLY MAY BATHING

IN THE PRIVACY OF
HER OWN BEDROOM SUITE?

HEAR WHAT SHE CALL YOU, SWEET.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM,

WHY DOESN'T HE ANSWER?

WELL, HE'S JUST A
LITTLE SHY I RECKON.

ASK HIM AGAIN.

IS ELLY MAY IN
HER BEDROOM SUITE?

NO SHE AIN'T, DARLING.

FINE, I'LL FIND HER MYSELF.

UNCLE JED, I GOT ME A GIRL.

YOU SURE HAVE, BOY,

AND A CITY GIRL TOO.

YAHOO.

IT'S THEM CITY
GIRLS I WORRY ABOUT.

JETHRO'S SUCH
A GOOD LOOKING BOY.

EVERY GIRL IN THE
5TH GRADE WAS AFTER HIM.

I HARDLY THINK ANYTHING
SERIOUS CAN DEVELOP

BETWEEN BOYS AND
GIRLS IN THE 5TH GRADE.

OH, I DON'T KNOW,

SO FAR THIS YEAR

THERE'S BEEN 3 COUPLES

OUT OF JETHRO'S
CLASS GET MARRIED.

MARRIED,

5TH GRADERS?

THE PARSON'S NEARLY
AS BUSY IN THAT SCHOOL

AS THE TEACHER.

THAT'S AMAZING,

I'VE HEARD OF...

UH OH, WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?

THERE'S THAT SNOOPY
ELVERNA BRADSHAW

AND HER BIG MOUTH DAUGHTER

SITTING ON THEIR FRONT PORCH.

I CAN JUST HEAR THE STORIES
THEY'LL START GOING ROUND

IF THEY SEE ME IN
THIS CAR HERE WITH YOU.

YOOHOO, ELVERNA?

(CAR HORN)

IT'S ME,

PEARL.

A TERRIBLE GOSSIP THAT WOMAN,

ALWAYS MAKING TROUBLE.

SHE TRIED TO TALK GRANNY

OUT OF GOING TO CALIFORNY.

SHE OUGHT TO SEE GRANNY NOW,

LIVING LIKE A QUEEN

IN THAT BEVERLY HILLS MANSION.

THERE.

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED
TO ELVERNA BRADSHAW

AND STAYED HOME,

HAD A PUMP RIGHT IN THE HOUSE,

DIDN'T HAVE TO TOTE WATER

A QUARTER OF A MILE.

ARE YOU READY TO
GET RINSED OFF, ELLY?

WELL NOT YET, GRANNY.

SHOULD I WASH MY HAIR?

NO.

YOU BETTER WAIT UNTIL
I CAN CATCH SOME RAIN WATER,

THAT POND WATER

SMELLS LIKE IT'S
GOT MEDICINE IN IT.

I WONDERED WHY THERE'S
NO FISH IN THAT POND.

YEAH, I RECKON THAT
WATER KILLED THEM FISH.

DON'T YOU WORRY,

MY LYE SOAP
WILL KILL ANYTHING

THAT KILLED THEM FISH.

GRANNY, HAVE YOU SEEN...

WHAT IN THE WORLD
IS GOING ON HERE?

WELL, THERE'S A BATH GOING ON,

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

HOWDY.

BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WELL, THEN SOMEBODY
OUGHT TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU,

CITY WOMAN.

FIRST YOU HEAT SOME WATER,

THEN YOU PUT IT INA
GREAT BIG TUB LIKE THIS,

YOU PUT SOME SOAP IN IT

AND THEN YOU GET IN IT

AND YOU START TO WASH

AND THAT'S WHAT
YOU CALL A BATH.

BUT GRANNY, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO DO THIS SORT OF THING

IN BEVERLY HILLS.

DON'T YOU LISTEN
TO HER, ELLY.

AIN'T YOU EVER
HEARD THAT SAYING

THAT CLEANLINESS
IS NEXT TO GODLINESS?

BUT OF COURSE,
JOHN WESLEY SAID THAT.

WELL, I BET HE DIDN'T
LIVE IN BEVERLY HILLS.

HERE ELLY,

DRY YOURSELF OFF WITH THIS
NICE LITTLE BATH TOWEL.

THAT'S MY GIRL.

FLL RINSE OFF
THAT OLD LYE SOAP.

LYE SOAP?

DID YOU SAY LYE SOAP?

THAT'S RIGHT,

I MAKE IT MYSELF.

BUT THAT WILL RUIN

THIS BEAUTIFUL
GIRL'S DELICATE SKIN.

I'VE BEEN WASHING
WITH IT FOR 72 YEARS,

AND LOOK AT MY SKIN.

IT'S LIKE LEATHER.

YES.

NICE, AIN'T IT?

GRANNY, I HOPE
YOU WILL FORGIVE

MY MOMENTARY BEWILDERMENT

AT THIS PRIMITIVE
FORM OF ABLUTION,

BUT PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN.

WELL, FIRST EXPLAIN
WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

WELL, ELLY MAY
HAS A BEAUTIFUL BIG
BATHTUB UPSTAIRS.

UPSTAIRS?

IT WAS HARD ENOUGH
CARRYING THE WATER IN HERE,

I AIN'T GOING TO TOTE
NO WATER UPSTAIRS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO,

THERE'S A BIG BEAUTIFUL...

HAVEN'T YOU BEEN UPSTAIRS?

NO, JED SAID THAT PROBABLY

BELONGED TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, ELLY?

YEAH, PA SAID HE HEARD TELL

THAT FOLKS SOMETIMES LIVE

ONE FAMILY RIGHT
ON TOP OF ANOTHER.

BUT THAT'S ONLY
IN APARTMENT HOUSES.

THIS ENTIRE HOUSE
BELONGS TO YOU

AND EACH ONE HAS ITS OWN

INDIVIDUAL BEDROOM SUITE.

COME ALONG AND
LET ME SHOW YOU,

AND ALSO THE LOVELY THINGS
I BROUGHT FROM TOWN.

ELLY, YOU GO AHEAD,

lili BE UP DIRECTLY.

WHAT ALL DID YOU
BRING FROM TOWN?

EVERYTHING, ELLY.

EVERYTHING FROM
CHAPEAUS TO PUMPS.

PUMPS?

PRAISE THE LORD,

NOW I WON'T HAVE
TO TOTE WATER.

JETHRO?

YEAH, UNCLE JED?

NOW THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE
KEEPING COMPANY WITH A GIRL,

IS THERE ANY QUESTIONS
YOU'D LIKE TO ASK ME?

WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS?

OH, ABOUT GIRLS.

HOW MUCH YOU KNOW ABOUT GIRLS?

THEY'S SOFTER THAN BOYS.

YEAH, I RECKON,

GENERALLY SPEAKING.

AND THEY'RE
SHORTER AND ROUNDER.

YEAH.

AND THEIR HAIR IS LONGER

AND IT SMELLS SWEET

WHEN YOU SNUGGLES UP TOIT.

OH, SO YOU'VE BEEN DOING
SOME SNUGGLING, HAVE YOU?

I'VE DONE MORE THAN THAT.

I RECKON YOU BETTER
TELL ME ABOUT IT,

WHO WAS SHE?

PRETTIEST GIRL IN THE HILLS,

BIG MOUTH BRADSHAW.

ELVERNA'S GIRL.

I HEAR TELL
SHE'S KIND OF FAST?

IS SHE EVER.

UNCLE JED,

I WAS WALKING
PAST THE CABIN

AND BIG MOUTH, SHE CALLS
OUT THE WINDOW TO ME.

SHE SAYS, "HOWDY, JETHRO."

SHE SAYS, "MY MA HAS JUST
MADE A BIG BATCH OF COOKIES,

COME ON IN AND HAVE SOME."

AND I SAYS,
"SURE YOUR MA WON'T MIND?"

AND SHE SAYS, "MA IS GONE,

AND SO IS PA.

I'M HERE ALL ALONE."

WELL, UNCLE JED,

I WAS IN THAT HOUSE

BEFORE YOU COULD WINK AN EYE.

CAN'T SAY AS I BLAME YOU.

WAIT.

NO SOONER WAS I INSIDE

THEN BIG MOUTH,

SHE PUTS A MUSIC RECORD
ON THE PHONOGRAPH MACHINE

AND COMMENCES
TO SASHAYING AROUND

AND TWISTING AND TURNING.

DANCING?

YEAH, I RECKON SO.

ANYWAY, SHE SAYS, "PUT
YOUR ARMS ME, JETHRO,

AND I'LL TEACH
YOU THE TWO STEP".

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

I SAYS, "LISTEN BIG MOUTH,"

I SAYS,

"HERE WE ARE ALL ALONE,

YOUR MA AND YOUR PA GONE,

AND YOU THINK THAT I'M GOING
TO WASTE MY TIME DANCING."

I SAYS, "NOT ME SISTER,

BRING ON THEM COOKIES."

WHAT SHE'D SAY?

WELL...

JED, YOU AND JETHRO CAN
START DIGGING THE WELL.

THAT CITY WOMAN
BROUGHT US SOME PUMPS.

THAT'S FINE, GRANNY,

WE'LL GET RIGHT TOIT.

WHAT DID THAT
BRADSHAW GIRL SAY

WHEN YOU SAID
BRING ON THEM COOKIES?

WELL, SHE JUST HELD UP
THEM COOKIES LIKE THIS HERE

AND KIND OF BLINKED
HER EYES AT ME

AND SAID, "JETHRO,

WHICH DO YOU THINK
WOULD TASTE SWEETER,

THESE HERE COOKIES

OR MY LIPS?"

WELL, UNCLE JED,

RIGHT THEN AND THERE

IS WHEN I FOUND
OUT SHE WAS FAST.

I GRABBED THEM TWO COOKIES

AND IT TOOK ME TWO MILES

TO OUT RUN THAT GAL.

JETHRO,

COME ONE OF THESE DAYS,

YOU AND ME HAS
GOTTA HAVE A LONG TALK.

OH YES,

HE'S A LADY KILLER,

THAT BOY OF MINE.

WHY, ELVERNA BRADSHAW'S
DAUGHTER CHASED HIM

ALL THE WAY HOME ONE DAY.

SOUNDS LIKE JETHRO HAS A
LOT OF CHARM AND SEX APPEAL.

OH, HE HAS.

IT'S FUNNY HOW A DAUGHTER

CAN TAKE AFTER HER FATHER

AND A BOY CAN
FAVOR HIS MOTHER.

YES.

YES,

I OUGHT TO BE OUT THERE
LOOKING AFTER JETHRO.

YOU KNOW JED'S
GOING TO NEED HIM

TO HELP GARDEN
A PLACE THIS BIG.

WELL, MOST
BEVERLY HILLS MANSIONS

HAVE REGULAR GARDENERS

AND OF COURSE A
COMPLETE SPRINKLING SYSTEM.

SPRINKLING SYSTEM?

OH YES, INDEED.

THAT ENTIRE LAWN

IS CRISS CROSSED
WITH UNDERGROUND PIPES.

LAND TO MERCY.

BY THUNDER, JETHRO,

THERE'S WATER ALL
OVER THIS PROPERTY.

AIN'T TO DEEP NEITHER.

I KNOW.

SHOULD I
COMMENCE TO DIGGING?

WELL NOW, LET'S GET AS
CLOSE TO THE HOUSE AS WE CAN,

THAT WAY THE PUMP WON'T
HAVE SO FAR TO PULL.

MR. CLAMPETT,

JETHRO?

UH OH, HERE'S
COMES YOUR SWEETHEART.

MR. CLAMPETT,

I CANNOT HANDLE
THAT DAUGHTER OF YOURS.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I OPENED THAT BOX
OF BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES,

TURNED MY BACK FOR A MOMENT,

AND SHE BOLTED
LIKE A WILD COLT.

I WAS AFEARD THIS WOULD
HAPPEN, WHERE IS SHE?

SHE'S UP THERE.

ILL GO RIGHT
UP AND TALK TO HER.

JETHRO, HAVE YOU
BEEN UPSTAIRS YET?

NO, MA'AM.

THEN YOU'VE GOT A
SURPRISE COMING TO YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

YOUR SUITE.

SO ARE YOU.

ELLY MAY!

OH, HOWDY, PA.

ELLY,

I'M ASHAMED OF YOU,

RUNNING OFF
FROM MISS HATHAWAY.

I DIDN'T RUN AWAY
FROM MISS HATHAWAY.

WHAT DID YOU
CLIMB UP HERE FOR?

TO CUT A FORK

FOR THAT NEW STORE BOUGHT
SLING SHOT SHE BROUGHT ME.

DID SHE BRING
YOU A SLING SHOT?

FANCIEST THING
YOU EVER DID SEE.

JUST A MINUTE,
I'LL HOOK IT UP

AND YOU CAN SEE FOR YOURSELF.

LOOK AT THAT.

WELL, I'LL BE DOGGONE,

A STORE BOUGHT, LACE TRIMMED

DOUBLE BARRELED SLING SHOT.

AIN'T IT A DOOZY?

I DON'T KNOW HOW
GOOD I CAN AIM IT,

BUT IT'LL SURE
THROW A HEAP OF ROCKS.

YEAH,

THEY REALLY
NEED ME OUT THERE.

WHY, I COULD WORK
WONDERS FOR ELLY MAY

WITH MY FANCY SEWING

AND BEAUTY SECRETS

AND HAIRSTYLING

AND EVERYTHING.

OF COURSE, I'LL HAVE TO

LEARN ALL THOSE THINGS

NOT HAVING A
HUSBAND TO SUPPORT ME.

DIDN'T YOU SAY IT WAS 40
MILES TO THE TOWN OF OXFORD?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, WE'VE ALREADY
DRIVEN 110 MILES.

WELL, LAND TO MERCY,

I FORGOT TO TELL
YOU THE TURN OFF.

WELL, AS LONG AS
WE'VE COME THIS FAR,

MAYBE WE OUGHT TO GO
RIGHT ON TO CALIFORNY.

I TELL YOU, GRANNY,

THERE'S SO MUCH WATER HERE,

YOU CAN SHOOT A LOAD OF
BUCKSHOT IN THAT GROUND

AND BRING UP A DOZEN SPRINGS.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I AIN'T NEVER MISSED YET.

WELL, NOW IT'S
TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

TO JED AND ALL HIS KIN.

AND THEY WOULD LIKE
TO THANK YOU FOLKS

FOR KINDLY DROPPIN' IN.

YOU'RE ALL INVITED
BACK NEXT WEEK

TO THIS LOCALITY

TO HAVE A HEAPIN' HELPIN'

OF THEIR HOSPITALITY.

HILLBILLY, THAT IS.

SETA SPELL.

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.

Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR?

THIS HAS BEEN
A FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.