The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 2 - Getting Settled - full transcript
The Clampetts begin to settle in their new home in Beverly Hills, California. They are having to adjust to things such as refrigerators (Granny remarks how a ham will require two days to thaw out), ovens and the "cement pond." Jed also is having to confront how his daughter Elly May is maturing. He tells her that he, in effect, raised her as a boy and should not have. Jethro also encounters a flamingo that he thinks is a chicken (which causes Jed to suspect Jethro has been sneaking drinks of moonshine). Meanwhile, Miss Hathaway, executive secretary to banker Milburn Drysdale, mistakes the Clampetts for "domestic" help. She thinks Granny is a cook and Elly a maid.
♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
♪♪
♪♪
Welcome!
- Welcome.
- Howdy.
- Well, now, ain't that handy.
- What's that, Pa?
Way the road takes a
bend in here and runs right
by the front door.
No, Mr. Clampett,
this is your driveway.
It goes with the house.
Is this thing a house?
Oh, yes, indeed.
It was built by John Barrymore,
one of our finest actors.
Pretty fair stonemason, too.
Hey, Jed!
This here is dandy soil!
Fine, Granny, we'll
commence plowin' tomorrow!
But this is Beverly Hills!
Dirt is dirt.
Yes, I know, but...
Why don't we look
around inside, eh?
Well, here we are.
I hope you're going to like
this place I picked out for you.
It may be a trifle larger
than what you're used to,
but I feel a man
with $25 million
in my bank should
live in a manner that...
Come in, come in...
This is your home!
As I say, it may be a bit
more than you're used to,
but I'm sure you'll
be comfortable.
Now my secretary
will be over right away
to help you with
the hiring of servants
or whatever problems
you may have.
She's a very efficient
girl, Miss Hathaway.
Jed?
Jed?
Jed, will you and
Jethro fetch in my stove
so I can get some
vittles to cookin'?
Oh, you have a beautiful stove!
Thank you.
Fetch it in, Jed.
You scare up some wood, Elly.
No, no, I mean you have
a stove already installed
in the kitchen.
- Where's that?
- I'll show you.
Excuse us a minute.
Elly, you go with Granny.
She'll still need you
to fetch some wood.
Sure, Pa.
Uncle Jed!
Guess what!
There's a whole
'nother house up here!
Jethro, come down from there.
Like as not, that belongs
to somebody else.
Here we are.
This is your kitchen.
Oh, and-and here is your stove.
The last word in
food preparation.
And speaking of food,
uh, you'll find everything
you could possibly
want stored right in here.
See?
Well, I'll leave you ladies
to your culinary delights.
Au revoir. Bon appetit.
Talks gibberish.
He seemed to set
a great deal of store
in this here stove, Granny.
Well, we'll see.
Elly, you run out
and fetch some wood.
I'll get a fire to goin'
in here and we'll see.
Jethro, I hope it's all right
for you to be missin' school.
Oh, sure, Uncle Jed.
They ain't strict
in the fifth grade.
Are you in the
fifth grade already?
Startin' this year!
Well, it don't seem like no time
at all since I went with your ma
to get you started
in the first grade.
You was six years
old, no bigger'n that.
We drove clean over to Oxford
so you could go to the
same school your pa went to.
You wouldn't know that
town today, Uncle Jed.
Oxford?
Yes, sir.
Why, that town has growed
and growed and
spread out and built up
and just kept gettin'
bigger and bigger,
where today, why, I betcha there
must be at least three or
four dozen people livin' there!
Place like that
is all right to visit,
but I wouldn't wanna live there.
Well, can I be of
any assistance?
No, thank you, Mr. Drysdale.
We was just talkin' about
Jethro here gettin' back to school.
Oh, well, we have some excellent
educational facilities out here,
Mr. Clampett.
Where do you go
to school, Jethro?
Oxford.
Oxford?
Yeah, you see, Jethro's
ma... That's my cousin Pearl...
She married 3 Oxford man,
so naturally Jethro, he
goes to school there, too.
I'm the champion crawdad eater!
At Oxford?
Jethro put away three
buckets of crawdads.
Four.
And he's learned to
cipher and everything.
Cipher some for Mr. Drysdale.
One and one's two.
Two and two's four.
Four and four's eight.
I have to take off my shoes
to get any further than that.
Oh, no, n-never mind that.
I'm sure we're thinking
of two different Oxfords.
You see, there's one that's
very famous and very old.
That's where Jethro
goes to school.
Been there since pioneer days.
That's how come it got its name.
It's where the oxen
used to ford the river.
So folks took to
callin' it Oxen Ford.
Later on, it got
shortened to Oxford.
Oxford, yes, I see.
Well, I'll be running.
Oh, by the way,
here are your keys.
My secretary should
be over very soon.
Well, thank you very
much, Mr. Drysdale,
for everything you've
been doin' for us.
Oh, it's my pleasure,
Mr. Clampett.
You see, I'm not
only your banker,
I'm your next-door neighbor.
Well, say, now ain't that nice?
Well, now, why don't you bring
your missus over
tonight for supper,
and I'll have Granny whomp
up a mess o' grits and hog jowls.
Well, you see, right
now my wife is in Boston.
Oh, that's too bad.
When'll she be back?
Not too soon, fortun...
I'll see you later, hmm?
Well, thank you, Mr. Drysdale.
So long!
Uncle Jed, you reckon
one of these days
I could have me a little bitty ol'
taste of Granny's moonshine?
Now, Jethro, you know the family
rule about Granny's moonshine.
You get your first taste on
your weddin' day and not before.
Well, Uncle Jed, that
might be an awful long time.
I ain't even got
me no sweetheart.
How come?
Why, back home,
every time I get me a girl,
one of them there big fellas
would take her
right away from me.
Well, maybe out
here in Beverly Hills...
Pa, could I please have the axe?
I gotta split some
wood for Granny.
Fetch it, Jethro.
Ain't this place
got a wood pile?
Not that I could find.
But I found a whole row
of black ol' dead tree trunks
pert near as high as this house!
Ain't they kinda big
for you to tackle?
Well, shucks no, Pa...
They're only this big around.
And all trimmed and
topped and strung together
with a black rope so's no
matter which one you cut
the others keep it from fallin'.
Somebody had a
right smart idea there.
Just the same,
I think I'd rather
have Jethro do the cuttin'.
Aw, Pa, lemme.
Aw, cuttin' trees and choppin'
logs ain't no work for a girl.
I'm just as strong as Jethro!
You ain't neither!
I am so!
You ain't neither!
Ham so, too.
- You wanna rassle?
- Darn tootin'!
Now here, here!
That ain't no fair fight.
Somebody gonna get hurt.
Now there, you see?
You gettin' too rough.
Jethro!
A person can get crippled
from a hold like that.
Get up from there!
I can't, Uncle Jed!
You turn him loose
and get up from there
before I take a strap
to the both of you.
Now here, you get out
there and chop down
one of them tree trunks.
Saw Granny some nice logs.
Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
Coulda whupped you
if you hadn't tripped me!
Elly!
Come back here and sit
down; I wanna talk to you.
Whupped him fair and
square and I'll do it again.
No, you won't.
That's what I want
to talk to you about.
Elly May...
you're gettin' too big
to rassle with boys.
I ain't as big as Jethro!
I don't mean big that way,
I mean, uh, growed up.
You're a young lady now.
You got to start
mindin' your manners
and fixin' yourself up real
nice and wearin' dresses.
Pa!
Folks'd call me a sissy!
It ain't sissy for
girls to act like girls.
You see, Elly,
I raised you like a boy
and I was wrong to do it.
I reckon every man'd
like to have a son,
and you was my only young'un.
And when your ma
passed away, I just decided
to turn you into a boy.
By the time Granny come to
help out, you was too wild to tame.
By thunder, you could
outrun, outclimb, outfight
and outshoot every
boy in them hills.
I still can, Pa.
Yeah, but it ain't fittin'.
It ain't right for folks
to go against nature.
Look at ol' Duke there.
Reckon we could
turn him into a cat?
Course not.
That's right, 'cause
nature made him into a dog.
The same way nature
made you into a girl.
Here lately, she's gettin'
more and more positive about it.
You mean my ears is growin'?
No, nothin' like that.
You're purty.
Aw, Pa.
I know, you don't
like it when I say that.
But you'll like it when the
young fellas around here
commence sayin'
it, and they will.
Only they'll probably
be usin' words,
fancy words I won't
even understand.
But, Elly May, ain't nobody
can ever tell you how pretty
you really are except me.
You're the livin'
picture of your ma.
You still here?
I thought you were going
up to the Clampett estate.
I didn't think it prudent
for both of us to be
absent simultaneously.
In the event of crises...
The only crises you
have to worry about
right now is keeping
Mr. J.D. Clampett happy.
Now get up there.
Tell me, how did he
like the flamingos?
What flamingos?
I thought pink flamingos
around the swimming pool
would add a rather
elegant touch.
Mr. Clampett is not a
man educated to elegance.
That will take time.
Right now, there are
more pressing problems.
Of course... getting
settled, the servant problem.
Well, whatever they are, just
get up there and solve them.
Now J.D. Clampett is this
bank's largest depositor,
and I'm making his
satisfaction your responsibility.
I accept the mantle
of responsibility
with which you have
cloaked my shoulders,
and I shall so conduct myself
that if this great financial
institution shall last
a thousand years,
people will still say...
this was their finest hour.
Out!
Dandy wood, all right.
Got a lotta pitch and tar in it.
Oughta burn real good.
Yeah, if that flimsy
grate holds up.
Granny!
Granny, this here's
the top of that tree trunk.
You want I should
split it up, too?
No, just leave it outside.
Yes'm.
This place ain't
even got a wood box.
Yeah, folks don't need
much wood out here.
Remember what Pearl said?
It don't get cold.
Yeah, I remember.
It might not get
cold in the day,
but it sure freezes
solid at night.
How you know?
I'll show you how I know.
Every bit of food in
this here storage bin
is froze harder than a rock!
- No.
- Yes! Look.
Mighty thin-skinned hog.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
Take me two days
to thaw out that ham
before I can ever cook it!
People oughta know
better than to store food
up against a north wall.
Tomorrow we'll
dig us a root cellar
and we'll put
all this stuff in it.
Jethro, you go on out
there and catch us a chicken.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
How you know we got chickens?
Place this size is
bound to have chickens.
If they ain't all
froze to death.
Here, chickee, chickee,
chickee, chickee, chickee, chickee.
Here, chick, chick.
Here, chick, chick,
chick, chick, chick, chick.
Here, chick,
chick, chick, chick.
Here, chick, chick, chick,
chick, chick, chick, chick.
Are you a chicken?
Here's that bucket you wanted.
You take it, Elly, see
if you can find a creek.
I gotta have some water.
There no pump on this place?
It ain't even got a well!
Uncle Jed, Uncle Jed!
Yeah, boy, did
you find a chicken?
Hound somethin'.
I ain't sure if it's a chicken,
a goose, a duck, or what!
- Where is it?
- I couldn't catch it!
That thing can
outrun a jackrabbit!
Sure ain't no goose or duck.
- Must be a chicken.
- If it is,
Ma was right about things
growin' bigger out here.
That thing was this high!
A chicken?
- Now, Jethro...
- Honest!
It's got legs this long!
Dibbies on the drumstick.
The drumstick ain't much,
but whoever gets that neck
is eatin' from now on!
It commences here and
runs plumb up to here!
Jethro...
you ain't forgot what I said
about Granny's jug o' liquor?
I ain't been at Granny's jug.
If you have, you're in for it!
Honest. Cross my heart.
Where'd you see this chicken?
Down by the cement pond.
Cement pond?
Uncle Jed, that pond is the
fanciest thing you ever did see!
Why, there's steps
so's the cattle can
walk right down
into it and get a drink!
And up at one end,
there's a lady standin' there
made outta rock.
And she's a-pourin'
water out of a jar
right into that cement pond.
Go on.
Well, that's how come
that big ol' pink chicken
to get away from me.
Flew right over the top
of that there rock lady,
landed in that pond
and swam like an otter.
Just a-flappin' them big
ol' pink wings and hollerin'!
What color did you
say that chicken was?
It's pink.
Ain't I told you that
stuff" stunt your growth!
Yes, Granny. I didn't,
I didn't touch a drop.
You and me's goin'
to the woodshed!
Now, hold on.
Jethro, do you swear
to be tellin' the truth?
So help me Jefferson Davis.
You take your hat off when
you speak of the president!
Granny, he ain't
president no more.
I'll have no Yankee
talk in my kitchen!
Now, Jethro, you and
me is goin' back out there
and corner that chicken.
Granny, you get
your fire to goin'.
Elly May, you sweep up out
front and keep your eyes open
for that Miss Hathaway.
I'm countin' on her
to take you in hand,
get you in the right
kinda clothes. Come on.
Pink chicken!
You there, young man!
I ain't a young man, but I
sure do thank you for thinkin' so.
Good heavens, you're a girl.
- Yeah.
I'm Jane Hathaway,
executive secretary
to Mr. Drysdale.
And you, I take it, are a
domestic of some sort?
Cleaning girl, housemaid?
Just what are your
duties with Mr. Clampett?
Well, he sent me
out here to sweep up,
but he said you'd
take me in hand
and get me in the right
kinda clothes and everything.
Indeed I shall.
We have a complete
servant's wardrobe
from chef to chauffeur.
Come with me.
What in the name of
Thomas Chippendale is this?
Has Mr. Clampett
seen this disgraceful
and unsightly mound of debris?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
This is all his.
Oh, what... what
charming antiques!
Just like you said, Jethro...
A rock lady pourin'
water into a cement pond.
Yes, sir.
And over there's where I
seen that great big pink chicken.
Only thing is, it don't
sound like a chicken.
It makes a kinda
hollerin' noise.
Reckon you'd make
a hollerin' noise, too,
if you was to lay
a egg like that.
Man, oh, man.
That's what I call an egg.
Granny won't have to
worry about food now.
Wait till she cooks this.
That dang city stove
don't draw worth nothin'!
Granny, look at this egg!
What's all the smoke?
Stove don't work.
Probably just a stuffed-up flue.
Ain't got a flue!
Ain't even got a stove pipe!
Here, I'll get the shovel and
a hoe and rake it outta there.
You keep this egg.
Just like everything else
out here... froze solid!
Really, my dear, you
look quite charming.
Well, I feel like a
dad-blamed fool.
Oh.
Just a moment!
Can't stop now!
I'll be right back!
Oh, that was my pa.
I take it he's a gardener.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
Pa just can't wait to
commence gardenin'.
Apparently.
However, although I
admire his enthusiasm,
I must forbid him access
through the main entrance.
Now, tell me about
the rest of the staff.
Is there a chauffeur?
A what?
Someone who does the driving?
Oh, yes, ma'am. That's Jethro.
Course, I don't reckon he
can stay around very long.
He's gotta get back to
Oxford and go to school.
Oxford?
He attends Oxford University?
Well, he just calls it school.
Pa went to school there, too.
Ah, yes, old school tie.
Great pride, those Oxford men.
Sorry I couldn't stop before.
Granny was havin'
trouble in the kitchen.
Pa, do I have to wear this
here stuff that Miss Hathaway...?
Now, now, there can be no
appeal from Mr. Clampett's orders.
Thank you, ma'am.
Glad to see you're
takin' a firm hand.
Elly May, that's right pretty!
Makes you look taller.
She's got me walkin' on pegs.
Yeah.
Well, run in and show Granny.
And, uh, get rid of
those old clothes, dear.
Granny, I presume, is the cook.
Yes, ma'am, but she ain't
too happy 'bout it right now.
I shall deal with her directly.
Now let's see... maid,
gardener, cook, chauffeur...
Oh, uh, I understand
Jethro is an Oxford man.
You bet he is.
I'm, uh, quite
anxious to meet him.
Don't blame you.
Fine lookin' young feller.
Single, too.
And he's on the lookout for a girl.
- Oh.
I am only interested in
the intellectual rapport
which I would naturally
have with an Oxford man.
I presume he went
to Eton as a boy.
If I know Jethro, he went to
eatin' the minute he was born.
Yes, of course.
I suppose his father
matriculated him.
I kinda think
maybe it was his ma.
Oh, well, no matter.
At any rate, he's an Eton man.
That he is!
A matter of fact, Jethro
won the eatin' championship!
How marvelous!
- What was he champion of?
- Eatin'.
Yes, I-I know.
But what was it? Cricket?
Oh, no, no, it was crawdad.
Crawdad?
Yeah, I don't think even
Jethro'd eat crickets.
I was referring to the game...
Jed?
Jed, where's the axe?
I'll fetch it, Granny.
You talk to Miss Hathaway.
And just why does
cook need an axe?
I've hit this with everything
I could lay a hand to.
I even whomped it
with an iron skillet.
You are supposed to
hit it with a croquet mallet.
All right, where is it?
I don't think I'll tell you.
There is a time for
work and a time for play.
Now, then, what are we
cooking for Mr. Clampett?
Well, I don't know
what you're cookin' him,
but if he wants
any vittles from me,
somebody better shoot a possum!
Possum?
You got a better idea?
But of course.
A nice, big, fluffy souffle.
All right.
You shoot it and you skin it.
You don't even
know what a souffle is.
What kind of a cook are you?
I'm a cook with a
stove that don't draw,
food that's froze solid,
chickens that can't be caught,
eggs that can't be broke,
and a smart-alecky city
woman tellin' me my business.
That's what kind of a cook I am!
Mind your tongue, little woman.
I can have your job!
You sure can, and
the sooner the better.
Jethro's a-comin' and just
wait till you see what he's got!
Thank heaven.
Now I can have an
intelligent conversation!
Look, Granny, I
caught that pink chicken!
I hope it ain't as
tough as its egg!
That is a flamingo!
Oh, no, ma'am, that's
my nephew, Jethro.
Jethro, say hello
to Miss Hathaway.
Howdy, ma'am.
Ain't this the ding-dangdest
chicken you ever did see?
You go to school at Oxford?
Yes, ma'am.
I'm in the fifth grade!
Stop braggin' and
wring that chicken's neck!
- Elly May!
- No!
Stop, you barbarian!
Don't harm one feather
of that beautiful bird!
I've taken just about as much
as I'm gonna take from you!
- Yeah, Granny?
- Elly, you get the fire goin'
under the big kettle outdoors!
Young lady, where is
your maid's uniform?
I ain't gonna wear it.
- Oh, yes, you are.
- No, I ain't!
Oh, yes, you are, if I
must subdue you forcefully!
I wouldn't try
that if I were you.
Get off me! Don't!
Don't!
Tried to tell you.
Let me up! You let me up!
I'll set on her, Elly!
- You get the fire to goin'!
- Let me up!
Now, here, here, Granny.
Come on, let her up.
Get off of her.
You are discharged!
All of you!
Sacked! Fired!
You are the most
incompetent, insubordinate,
belligerent group of domestics
it has ever been
my misfortune...
Miss Hathaway!
Ah, Chief, you're
just in time to help me
- take disciplinary action.
- You're fired.
- I've already told them that.
- Not them, you.
These people are the Clampetts.
Clampetts?
Yes, that's right.
Now go back to the office
and pick up your severance pay.
You are through!
Now, Mr. Drysdale,
uh, hold on a spell.
I reckon there's been a
kind of a misunderstandin'.
But this little lady's been
a right big help to us.
Why, she fit in just
like one of the family.
Matter of fact, her and
me is goin' out huntin'.
Ain't that right, Miss Hathaway?
Well, yes, indeed...
Yep.
Uh, Jethro, you can
take that pink chicken
back out to the cement pond.
We're goin' out and shoot
us a nice big fluffy souffle!
♪♪
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways production.
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
♪♪
♪♪
Welcome!
- Welcome.
- Howdy.
- Well, now, ain't that handy.
- What's that, Pa?
Way the road takes a
bend in here and runs right
by the front door.
No, Mr. Clampett,
this is your driveway.
It goes with the house.
Is this thing a house?
Oh, yes, indeed.
It was built by John Barrymore,
one of our finest actors.
Pretty fair stonemason, too.
Hey, Jed!
This here is dandy soil!
Fine, Granny, we'll
commence plowin' tomorrow!
But this is Beverly Hills!
Dirt is dirt.
Yes, I know, but...
Why don't we look
around inside, eh?
Well, here we are.
I hope you're going to like
this place I picked out for you.
It may be a trifle larger
than what you're used to,
but I feel a man
with $25 million
in my bank should
live in a manner that...
Come in, come in...
This is your home!
As I say, it may be a bit
more than you're used to,
but I'm sure you'll
be comfortable.
Now my secretary
will be over right away
to help you with
the hiring of servants
or whatever problems
you may have.
She's a very efficient
girl, Miss Hathaway.
Jed?
Jed?
Jed, will you and
Jethro fetch in my stove
so I can get some
vittles to cookin'?
Oh, you have a beautiful stove!
Thank you.
Fetch it in, Jed.
You scare up some wood, Elly.
No, no, I mean you have
a stove already installed
in the kitchen.
- Where's that?
- I'll show you.
Excuse us a minute.
Elly, you go with Granny.
She'll still need you
to fetch some wood.
Sure, Pa.
Uncle Jed!
Guess what!
There's a whole
'nother house up here!
Jethro, come down from there.
Like as not, that belongs
to somebody else.
Here we are.
This is your kitchen.
Oh, and-and here is your stove.
The last word in
food preparation.
And speaking of food,
uh, you'll find everything
you could possibly
want stored right in here.
See?
Well, I'll leave you ladies
to your culinary delights.
Au revoir. Bon appetit.
Talks gibberish.
He seemed to set
a great deal of store
in this here stove, Granny.
Well, we'll see.
Elly, you run out
and fetch some wood.
I'll get a fire to goin'
in here and we'll see.
Jethro, I hope it's all right
for you to be missin' school.
Oh, sure, Uncle Jed.
They ain't strict
in the fifth grade.
Are you in the
fifth grade already?
Startin' this year!
Well, it don't seem like no time
at all since I went with your ma
to get you started
in the first grade.
You was six years
old, no bigger'n that.
We drove clean over to Oxford
so you could go to the
same school your pa went to.
You wouldn't know that
town today, Uncle Jed.
Oxford?
Yes, sir.
Why, that town has growed
and growed and
spread out and built up
and just kept gettin'
bigger and bigger,
where today, why, I betcha there
must be at least three or
four dozen people livin' there!
Place like that
is all right to visit,
but I wouldn't wanna live there.
Well, can I be of
any assistance?
No, thank you, Mr. Drysdale.
We was just talkin' about
Jethro here gettin' back to school.
Oh, well, we have some excellent
educational facilities out here,
Mr. Clampett.
Where do you go
to school, Jethro?
Oxford.
Oxford?
Yeah, you see, Jethro's
ma... That's my cousin Pearl...
She married 3 Oxford man,
so naturally Jethro, he
goes to school there, too.
I'm the champion crawdad eater!
At Oxford?
Jethro put away three
buckets of crawdads.
Four.
And he's learned to
cipher and everything.
Cipher some for Mr. Drysdale.
One and one's two.
Two and two's four.
Four and four's eight.
I have to take off my shoes
to get any further than that.
Oh, no, n-never mind that.
I'm sure we're thinking
of two different Oxfords.
You see, there's one that's
very famous and very old.
That's where Jethro
goes to school.
Been there since pioneer days.
That's how come it got its name.
It's where the oxen
used to ford the river.
So folks took to
callin' it Oxen Ford.
Later on, it got
shortened to Oxford.
Oxford, yes, I see.
Well, I'll be running.
Oh, by the way,
here are your keys.
My secretary should
be over very soon.
Well, thank you very
much, Mr. Drysdale,
for everything you've
been doin' for us.
Oh, it's my pleasure,
Mr. Clampett.
You see, I'm not
only your banker,
I'm your next-door neighbor.
Well, say, now ain't that nice?
Well, now, why don't you bring
your missus over
tonight for supper,
and I'll have Granny whomp
up a mess o' grits and hog jowls.
Well, you see, right
now my wife is in Boston.
Oh, that's too bad.
When'll she be back?
Not too soon, fortun...
I'll see you later, hmm?
Well, thank you, Mr. Drysdale.
So long!
Uncle Jed, you reckon
one of these days
I could have me a little bitty ol'
taste of Granny's moonshine?
Now, Jethro, you know the family
rule about Granny's moonshine.
You get your first taste on
your weddin' day and not before.
Well, Uncle Jed, that
might be an awful long time.
I ain't even got
me no sweetheart.
How come?
Why, back home,
every time I get me a girl,
one of them there big fellas
would take her
right away from me.
Well, maybe out
here in Beverly Hills...
Pa, could I please have the axe?
I gotta split some
wood for Granny.
Fetch it, Jethro.
Ain't this place
got a wood pile?
Not that I could find.
But I found a whole row
of black ol' dead tree trunks
pert near as high as this house!
Ain't they kinda big
for you to tackle?
Well, shucks no, Pa...
They're only this big around.
And all trimmed and
topped and strung together
with a black rope so's no
matter which one you cut
the others keep it from fallin'.
Somebody had a
right smart idea there.
Just the same,
I think I'd rather
have Jethro do the cuttin'.
Aw, Pa, lemme.
Aw, cuttin' trees and choppin'
logs ain't no work for a girl.
I'm just as strong as Jethro!
You ain't neither!
I am so!
You ain't neither!
Ham so, too.
- You wanna rassle?
- Darn tootin'!
Now here, here!
That ain't no fair fight.
Somebody gonna get hurt.
Now there, you see?
You gettin' too rough.
Jethro!
A person can get crippled
from a hold like that.
Get up from there!
I can't, Uncle Jed!
You turn him loose
and get up from there
before I take a strap
to the both of you.
Now here, you get out
there and chop down
one of them tree trunks.
Saw Granny some nice logs.
Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
Coulda whupped you
if you hadn't tripped me!
Elly!
Come back here and sit
down; I wanna talk to you.
Whupped him fair and
square and I'll do it again.
No, you won't.
That's what I want
to talk to you about.
Elly May...
you're gettin' too big
to rassle with boys.
I ain't as big as Jethro!
I don't mean big that way,
I mean, uh, growed up.
You're a young lady now.
You got to start
mindin' your manners
and fixin' yourself up real
nice and wearin' dresses.
Pa!
Folks'd call me a sissy!
It ain't sissy for
girls to act like girls.
You see, Elly,
I raised you like a boy
and I was wrong to do it.
I reckon every man'd
like to have a son,
and you was my only young'un.
And when your ma
passed away, I just decided
to turn you into a boy.
By the time Granny come to
help out, you was too wild to tame.
By thunder, you could
outrun, outclimb, outfight
and outshoot every
boy in them hills.
I still can, Pa.
Yeah, but it ain't fittin'.
It ain't right for folks
to go against nature.
Look at ol' Duke there.
Reckon we could
turn him into a cat?
Course not.
That's right, 'cause
nature made him into a dog.
The same way nature
made you into a girl.
Here lately, she's gettin'
more and more positive about it.
You mean my ears is growin'?
No, nothin' like that.
You're purty.
Aw, Pa.
I know, you don't
like it when I say that.
But you'll like it when the
young fellas around here
commence sayin'
it, and they will.
Only they'll probably
be usin' words,
fancy words I won't
even understand.
But, Elly May, ain't nobody
can ever tell you how pretty
you really are except me.
You're the livin'
picture of your ma.
You still here?
I thought you were going
up to the Clampett estate.
I didn't think it prudent
for both of us to be
absent simultaneously.
In the event of crises...
The only crises you
have to worry about
right now is keeping
Mr. J.D. Clampett happy.
Now get up there.
Tell me, how did he
like the flamingos?
What flamingos?
I thought pink flamingos
around the swimming pool
would add a rather
elegant touch.
Mr. Clampett is not a
man educated to elegance.
That will take time.
Right now, there are
more pressing problems.
Of course... getting
settled, the servant problem.
Well, whatever they are, just
get up there and solve them.
Now J.D. Clampett is this
bank's largest depositor,
and I'm making his
satisfaction your responsibility.
I accept the mantle
of responsibility
with which you have
cloaked my shoulders,
and I shall so conduct myself
that if this great financial
institution shall last
a thousand years,
people will still say...
this was their finest hour.
Out!
Dandy wood, all right.
Got a lotta pitch and tar in it.
Oughta burn real good.
Yeah, if that flimsy
grate holds up.
Granny!
Granny, this here's
the top of that tree trunk.
You want I should
split it up, too?
No, just leave it outside.
Yes'm.
This place ain't
even got a wood box.
Yeah, folks don't need
much wood out here.
Remember what Pearl said?
It don't get cold.
Yeah, I remember.
It might not get
cold in the day,
but it sure freezes
solid at night.
How you know?
I'll show you how I know.
Every bit of food in
this here storage bin
is froze harder than a rock!
- No.
- Yes! Look.
Mighty thin-skinned hog.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
Take me two days
to thaw out that ham
before I can ever cook it!
People oughta know
better than to store food
up against a north wall.
Tomorrow we'll
dig us a root cellar
and we'll put
all this stuff in it.
Jethro, you go on out
there and catch us a chicken.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
How you know we got chickens?
Place this size is
bound to have chickens.
If they ain't all
froze to death.
Here, chickee, chickee,
chickee, chickee, chickee, chickee.
Here, chick, chick.
Here, chick, chick,
chick, chick, chick, chick.
Here, chick,
chick, chick, chick.
Here, chick, chick, chick,
chick, chick, chick, chick.
Are you a chicken?
Here's that bucket you wanted.
You take it, Elly, see
if you can find a creek.
I gotta have some water.
There no pump on this place?
It ain't even got a well!
Uncle Jed, Uncle Jed!
Yeah, boy, did
you find a chicken?
Hound somethin'.
I ain't sure if it's a chicken,
a goose, a duck, or what!
- Where is it?
- I couldn't catch it!
That thing can
outrun a jackrabbit!
Sure ain't no goose or duck.
- Must be a chicken.
- If it is,
Ma was right about things
growin' bigger out here.
That thing was this high!
A chicken?
- Now, Jethro...
- Honest!
It's got legs this long!
Dibbies on the drumstick.
The drumstick ain't much,
but whoever gets that neck
is eatin' from now on!
It commences here and
runs plumb up to here!
Jethro...
you ain't forgot what I said
about Granny's jug o' liquor?
I ain't been at Granny's jug.
If you have, you're in for it!
Honest. Cross my heart.
Where'd you see this chicken?
Down by the cement pond.
Cement pond?
Uncle Jed, that pond is the
fanciest thing you ever did see!
Why, there's steps
so's the cattle can
walk right down
into it and get a drink!
And up at one end,
there's a lady standin' there
made outta rock.
And she's a-pourin'
water out of a jar
right into that cement pond.
Go on.
Well, that's how come
that big ol' pink chicken
to get away from me.
Flew right over the top
of that there rock lady,
landed in that pond
and swam like an otter.
Just a-flappin' them big
ol' pink wings and hollerin'!
What color did you
say that chicken was?
It's pink.
Ain't I told you that
stuff" stunt your growth!
Yes, Granny. I didn't,
I didn't touch a drop.
You and me's goin'
to the woodshed!
Now, hold on.
Jethro, do you swear
to be tellin' the truth?
So help me Jefferson Davis.
You take your hat off when
you speak of the president!
Granny, he ain't
president no more.
I'll have no Yankee
talk in my kitchen!
Now, Jethro, you and
me is goin' back out there
and corner that chicken.
Granny, you get
your fire to goin'.
Elly May, you sweep up out
front and keep your eyes open
for that Miss Hathaway.
I'm countin' on her
to take you in hand,
get you in the right
kinda clothes. Come on.
Pink chicken!
You there, young man!
I ain't a young man, but I
sure do thank you for thinkin' so.
Good heavens, you're a girl.
- Yeah.
I'm Jane Hathaway,
executive secretary
to Mr. Drysdale.
And you, I take it, are a
domestic of some sort?
Cleaning girl, housemaid?
Just what are your
duties with Mr. Clampett?
Well, he sent me
out here to sweep up,
but he said you'd
take me in hand
and get me in the right
kinda clothes and everything.
Indeed I shall.
We have a complete
servant's wardrobe
from chef to chauffeur.
Come with me.
What in the name of
Thomas Chippendale is this?
Has Mr. Clampett
seen this disgraceful
and unsightly mound of debris?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
This is all his.
Oh, what... what
charming antiques!
Just like you said, Jethro...
A rock lady pourin'
water into a cement pond.
Yes, sir.
And over there's where I
seen that great big pink chicken.
Only thing is, it don't
sound like a chicken.
It makes a kinda
hollerin' noise.
Reckon you'd make
a hollerin' noise, too,
if you was to lay
a egg like that.
Man, oh, man.
That's what I call an egg.
Granny won't have to
worry about food now.
Wait till she cooks this.
That dang city stove
don't draw worth nothin'!
Granny, look at this egg!
What's all the smoke?
Stove don't work.
Probably just a stuffed-up flue.
Ain't got a flue!
Ain't even got a stove pipe!
Here, I'll get the shovel and
a hoe and rake it outta there.
You keep this egg.
Just like everything else
out here... froze solid!
Really, my dear, you
look quite charming.
Well, I feel like a
dad-blamed fool.
Oh.
Just a moment!
Can't stop now!
I'll be right back!
Oh, that was my pa.
I take it he's a gardener.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
Pa just can't wait to
commence gardenin'.
Apparently.
However, although I
admire his enthusiasm,
I must forbid him access
through the main entrance.
Now, tell me about
the rest of the staff.
Is there a chauffeur?
A what?
Someone who does the driving?
Oh, yes, ma'am. That's Jethro.
Course, I don't reckon he
can stay around very long.
He's gotta get back to
Oxford and go to school.
Oxford?
He attends Oxford University?
Well, he just calls it school.
Pa went to school there, too.
Ah, yes, old school tie.
Great pride, those Oxford men.
Sorry I couldn't stop before.
Granny was havin'
trouble in the kitchen.
Pa, do I have to wear this
here stuff that Miss Hathaway...?
Now, now, there can be no
appeal from Mr. Clampett's orders.
Thank you, ma'am.
Glad to see you're
takin' a firm hand.
Elly May, that's right pretty!
Makes you look taller.
She's got me walkin' on pegs.
Yeah.
Well, run in and show Granny.
And, uh, get rid of
those old clothes, dear.
Granny, I presume, is the cook.
Yes, ma'am, but she ain't
too happy 'bout it right now.
I shall deal with her directly.
Now let's see... maid,
gardener, cook, chauffeur...
Oh, uh, I understand
Jethro is an Oxford man.
You bet he is.
I'm, uh, quite
anxious to meet him.
Don't blame you.
Fine lookin' young feller.
Single, too.
And he's on the lookout for a girl.
- Oh.
I am only interested in
the intellectual rapport
which I would naturally
have with an Oxford man.
I presume he went
to Eton as a boy.
If I know Jethro, he went to
eatin' the minute he was born.
Yes, of course.
I suppose his father
matriculated him.
I kinda think
maybe it was his ma.
Oh, well, no matter.
At any rate, he's an Eton man.
That he is!
A matter of fact, Jethro
won the eatin' championship!
How marvelous!
- What was he champion of?
- Eatin'.
Yes, I-I know.
But what was it? Cricket?
Oh, no, no, it was crawdad.
Crawdad?
Yeah, I don't think even
Jethro'd eat crickets.
I was referring to the game...
Jed?
Jed, where's the axe?
I'll fetch it, Granny.
You talk to Miss Hathaway.
And just why does
cook need an axe?
I've hit this with everything
I could lay a hand to.
I even whomped it
with an iron skillet.
You are supposed to
hit it with a croquet mallet.
All right, where is it?
I don't think I'll tell you.
There is a time for
work and a time for play.
Now, then, what are we
cooking for Mr. Clampett?
Well, I don't know
what you're cookin' him,
but if he wants
any vittles from me,
somebody better shoot a possum!
Possum?
You got a better idea?
But of course.
A nice, big, fluffy souffle.
All right.
You shoot it and you skin it.
You don't even
know what a souffle is.
What kind of a cook are you?
I'm a cook with a
stove that don't draw,
food that's froze solid,
chickens that can't be caught,
eggs that can't be broke,
and a smart-alecky city
woman tellin' me my business.
That's what kind of a cook I am!
Mind your tongue, little woman.
I can have your job!
You sure can, and
the sooner the better.
Jethro's a-comin' and just
wait till you see what he's got!
Thank heaven.
Now I can have an
intelligent conversation!
Look, Granny, I
caught that pink chicken!
I hope it ain't as
tough as its egg!
That is a flamingo!
Oh, no, ma'am, that's
my nephew, Jethro.
Jethro, say hello
to Miss Hathaway.
Howdy, ma'am.
Ain't this the ding-dangdest
chicken you ever did see?
You go to school at Oxford?
Yes, ma'am.
I'm in the fifth grade!
Stop braggin' and
wring that chicken's neck!
- Elly May!
- No!
Stop, you barbarian!
Don't harm one feather
of that beautiful bird!
I've taken just about as much
as I'm gonna take from you!
- Yeah, Granny?
- Elly, you get the fire goin'
under the big kettle outdoors!
Young lady, where is
your maid's uniform?
I ain't gonna wear it.
- Oh, yes, you are.
- No, I ain't!
Oh, yes, you are, if I
must subdue you forcefully!
I wouldn't try
that if I were you.
Get off me! Don't!
Don't!
Tried to tell you.
Let me up! You let me up!
I'll set on her, Elly!
- You get the fire to goin'!
- Let me up!
Now, here, here, Granny.
Come on, let her up.
Get off of her.
You are discharged!
All of you!
Sacked! Fired!
You are the most
incompetent, insubordinate,
belligerent group of domestics
it has ever been
my misfortune...
Miss Hathaway!
Ah, Chief, you're
just in time to help me
- take disciplinary action.
- You're fired.
- I've already told them that.
- Not them, you.
These people are the Clampetts.
Clampetts?
Yes, that's right.
Now go back to the office
and pick up your severance pay.
You are through!
Now, Mr. Drysdale,
uh, hold on a spell.
I reckon there's been a
kind of a misunderstandin'.
But this little lady's been
a right big help to us.
Why, she fit in just
like one of the family.
Matter of fact, her and
me is goin' out huntin'.
Ain't that right, Miss Hathaway?
Well, yes, indeed...
Yep.
Uh, Jethro, you can
take that pink chicken
back out to the cement pond.
We're goin' out and shoot
us a nice big fluffy souffle!
♪♪
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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Filmways production.