The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 28 - Jed Pays His Income Tax - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪

♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

You heated me, mister.

Now you get goin'
and get goin' fast.

M-m-madam, I don't
think you understand.

I'm from the Internal
Revenue Service.

That's a department of the...

You hop in that puddle-jumper
and cut mud out of here.

But I only want to talk
about Mr. Clampett's return.

He ain't gone nowhere.

And if you keep
hanging around here,

you ain't going nowhere neither.

Now, see here,
madam, I insist...

Oh!

I'll be back!

I'll be waitin'!

What's all the ruckus, Granny?

Who was that?

Dad-blamed revenuer.

You sure?

Came right out and
admitted it himself.

Hm, well we don't want
no trouble with the law,

and besides, you said
you was gonna stop

- runnin' your still.
- I ain't been.

But I don't want no
revenuer snooping around.

They're the lowest
form of varmints.

Even he was
ashamed of bein' one.

What?

Called it the infernal
revenue service.

Internal Revenue Service?

That's right.

Well, sit down, sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Well, now, it's a
pleasure to have you visit

my struggling little bank.

Cigarette?

Thank you.

Yeah.

Here you are.

Yes, it's, it's
always a pleasure

to see you splendid chaps

from the Internal
Revenue Service.

You know, I was
just, I was just talking

to my tax man yesterday.

Aspirin?

No, thank you.

Mr. Drysdale, I'm not here

to talk about your
income tax return.

You're not?

No. But your tax man
did handle the return

for Mr. J.D. Clampett, right?

Oh, yes, yes,

Mr. Clampett is my
largest depositor.

Wonderful man.

Salt of the earth.

Honest as the day is long.

Lovely family.

Mm-hmm.

Mr. Drysdale,

I was just fired on

by a member of
that lovely family.

Fired on, you mean shot at?

Mm-hmm.

With a double-barreled,
twelve-gauge shotgun.

Wielded expertly by a little
old lady no bigger than this.

Granny.

Oh, Mr. Landman,

you-you have to
understand these people.

Oh, I understood her fine.

What I don't understand is this:

How can a man show an
income of millions for last year,

and not one red penny
for all the years previous?

Oh, well, well, H
can explain that.

Well, the Treasury
Department will appreciate it.

Now, this is the
beautiful mansion

you just visited, right?

Well, I would
hardly call it a visit.

Skirmish might be a better word.

This is the house, yes.

Mr. Landman,

would you believe that eight
months ago, they lived here?

No, frankly I wouldn't.

I give you my word.

The poorest, most
uninformed people imaginable.

Why, when an oil company
tried to explore their swamp,

old Jed's daughter
hit him with a rock.

Thought he was a revenuer.

What you got there?

Stranger.

Where'd you get him?

I beaned him with a rock.

What for?

He was skulking
'round down by the sloo.

Figured he might be a revenuer.

He ain't no revenuer.

Then can I keep him?

'Course not!

Well, I caught him.

That don't matter.

But he won't be no trouble.

I could keep him out in
the smoke house and...

Elly May, you can't keep people

like they were dogs and cats.

Who's that?

Some feller Elly
found nosing around.

Beaned him with a rock
so he'd be easier to tote.

That there fella's from
the petroleum company.

What's a petroleum?

I don't know.

He asked me if he could do
some wildcattin' down by the sloo.

I said help yourself.

We're glad to get
rid of the critters.

What'd he say?

Just kind of laughed.

The laugh's on him.

There ain't no Wildcats
down there at that sloo.

Heck no,

it's too full of oil.

Are you trying to tell me

they didn't know
oil was valuable?

Even when the oil
company geologist told them,

they didn't understand.

Mr. Clampett, that
swamp of yours is full of oil.

I could've told you that.

Well, my company
would like to pump it out.

Yeah, I'd like that too,

but I just can't
afford to have it done.

Oh, no, no, you
don't understand.

You see, you wouldn't
have to pay for it.

Oh, I don't take
favors from strangers.

No, no, Mr. Clampett, you see,

uh, you're a very rich man.

Stranger, if money
was skunk oil,

a hound dog couldn't smell me.

But your swamp.

My company will buy that land.

Why, they'll raise so many
derricks down there that...

Son, I got to be
honest with you.

You couldn't raise
turnips down there.

He's right.

That ground looks
black and rich,

but it's so greasy you can
just squeeze the oil out of it.

But that's what
my company wants.

Maybe you better
sit down for a spell.

Why, even after
Mr. Clampett sold his swamp,

he didn't know how
much he'd gotten

until his cousin Pearl heard
the news and came rushing over.

Jethro!

Stop this thing!

Stop it!

Hold on, Elly May.

Heaven protect us!

Oh! Jethro!

Did they hit us, Jed?

No, but I think they sure
whomped the chicken house.

Oh, Jed, I'm sure sorry

about the chicken house,

but nobody got hurt.

Jethro, I told you to get
rid of them worn-out brakes.

I did, Ma.

That's how come
we ain't got none.

Get on out and lift the chicken
house back on its foundation.

Jed.

Yeah.

Jed, Elly May came
runnin' over to my place

and she said you sold the
swamp to some oil company.

Well, yeah, I guess I did.

What did they pay you for it?

Well, they ain't
paid me nothing yet.

That Brewster fella said
he'd bring the money later.

Well, how much
they gonna pay you?

Well, uh, he said
that depends some

on how much oil
they could pump up.

Well, he must've
mentioned some figure.

What was it?

Now, Pearl, you know that old
swamp weren't worth shucks.

Jed Clampett,

you got flickered, and
you're shamed to admit it.

That's just what I told him.

Granny, how much
they gonna pay him?

All right, I'll tell you, he
said around somewhere

between 25 and a hundred.

25 and a hundred?

I know it don't sound like much,

but Mr. Brewster seemed
to set great store by the fact

he's going to pay me in
some new kind of dollar.

There ain't no
new kind of dollars.

Well, it's new to me.

I've heard of gold
dollars, silver dollars,

paper dollars, but he says
he's going to pay me in,

uh, what do you
call them, Granny?

Million dollars.

Yeah, that's it.

Million dollars?

Well, he wrote the whole thing

out on this piece of paper.

Here, you can see for yourself,

I don't know nothing
about that kind of stuff.

Let's see here now...

Saints in heaven.

Granny, give me the jug.

It's empty, but I'll fetch some.

I'll go, Granny.

Jed, Jed.

You're a millionaire.

A millionaire.

Yeah, that's what that
Brewster fella kept calling me.

I didn't know
just how to take it.

He meant you're rich.

Me?

The richest man in these hills.

Maybe in the whole state.

Oh, Jed, you can
have anything you want,

do anything you want,

go any place you want.

Yeah, that's another
thing he kept saying.

He said he reckoned I'd be
moving away from here soon.

What do you think, Pearl,
you think I ought to move?

Jed, how can you even ask?

Look around you.

You're eight miles from
your nearest neighbor,

you're overrun with skunks,

possums, coyotes, bobcats,

you use kerosene
lamps for light,

you cook on a wood
stove summer and winter,

you're drinkin'
homemade moonshine,

washin' with homemade lye soap,

and your bathroom is
50 feet from the house,

and you ask should you move?

Yeah, I reckon you're right.

Man'd be a dang
fool to leave all this.

You know, Mr. Drysdale,

in the Internal Revenue Service,

we hear some
pretty wild stories.

But this, uh, corn
pone to caviar saga

of Jed Clampett tops everything.

Well, if you think it's
been unbelievable so far,

wait till you
hear the rest of it.

What I can't understand is how
a man so insulated from the rest

of the world ever heard
about Beverly Hills, California.

I can explain that in two words:

Cousin Pearl.

She's the one who had
her sights set on California.

Oh, there you are, Jed.

You-you misunderstood me.

I meant you should move away.

And you know where
I'd go if I was you?

Where?

Californy.

Californy?

Yes, sir, Beverly
Hills, Californy.

I hear tell it's full of
millionaires out there,

and movie stars, too.

And what?

Movie stars.

Jed, remember the time that
your Pa took us to Eureky Springs

to see the movie picture?

Yeah.

Well, the actors that
make them movie pictures

live in Beverly Hills.

Go on.

Yes.

Well, doggies.

Wouldn't that be something?

Living in the same neck of
the woods as old Tom Mix.

It sure would.

And we could come visit you.

You know what else
they say about Californy?

What?

It don't get cold out there.

What don't get cold out there?

Nothing don't
get cold out there,

they don't have
no snow or no ice.

Can't they bring some in?

They don't want it.

That's why it'd be
so good for Granny.

Remember last winter

when she slipped on
the ice and broke her hip?

Yeah, poor old woman.

She was limpin' for two days.

Well, that couldn't
happen in Californy,

'cause they don't have no ice.

How come?

I don't know how come.

But Granny'd sure like it.

And we could visit you.

Maybe Jethro'd know
how come there's no ice.

He's going to school.

We could ask him.

Jethro!

Yeah, Ma?

Come on over here.

Speaking of school,
Elly May could get herself

a fine education out
there in Beverly Hills.

Yeah, Ma?

Your rich uncle's got

a question he'd like to ask you.

What rich uncle, Ma?

Your rich uncle Jed.

Jethro, how come
there's no ice in Californy?

Don't look at
me, I didn't take it.

You big, dumb...

Well, I didn't, Ma.

Oh, get on out of here.

Why you always...

I was saying, Jed,

folks claim Californy's
got it all beat.

Why, things grow
twice as big out there.

Jethro'd be a
Whopper, wouldn't he?

Say, he could help you move.

He's awful handy
at liftin' and totin',

and he could drive
you out in my truck.

I tell you what, Pearl.

I'm gonna have to study on this.

And that Brewster
feller comes back,

I'll ask him what he thinks.

Yes, it was Cousin Pearl

who planted the idea of
moving to Beverly Hills,

but it was Mr. Brewster
who made it possible.

Who's he?

Vice president
of the oil company

that bought Mr. Clampett's land.

Yes, Brewster's
often told me the story

of that fateful evening.

Well, your cousin is right
about that, Mr. Clampett.

Beverly Hills is a
choice residential area,

and lots of millionaires
do settle there.

Folks like me, huh?

Well, uh, millionaires.

And movie stars, too.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Is Tom Mix there?

No, I'm afraid Mr. Mix is dead.

Oh?

Oh, yeah, oh, what's
the matter with me?

Remember Pearl, he got
shot at the end of that picture.

Well, there are plenty
other movie stars,

and that's where
Jed wants to live,

ain't it, Jed?

I do like the notion
of living in the hills.

Never could stand flat country.

Mr. Clampett, I-I
think it only fair...

that is, well,

I think you may have a
wrong idea about Beverly Hills.

Is that where you live?

No, my home is in Tulsa.

Well say, maybe you
could get us a place there,

in your neighborhood.

Mr. Clampett, let's not
beat around the bush.

You will love Beverly Hills.

Then that's it!

Can you steer Jed
onto a good place?

Oh, I can get the bank out
there to handle it for him.

He'd like a nice, big place,

with plenty of room for
his kinfolk to visit him.

I would like a
nice, roomy place,

if I could afford it.

Oh, Mr. Clampett,

with your money you
could afford the Taj Mahal.

Okay, I'll take it!

Uh, well, no, you see,

I was just making a little joke.

Oh, well, uh, go right ahead.

Well, you see, uh, the
Taj Mahal is in India.

Mr. Brewster,
you're a nice fella,

but I've heard better jokes.

Is the furriner
staying to supper?

I'm ashamed to
say I ain't asked him.

How about it?

Oh, I-I don't think so.

Oh, no trouble.

What you cookin'
tonight, Granny?

Mustard greens
and possum innards.

Mmm-mm!

Did you hear that, Mr. Brewster?

Very clearly.

Want to change your mind?

Uh, not this time.

Well, you could happily
come back tomorrow.

We'll be having leftovers.

That's the thing
about possum innards:

they's just as good
the second day.

What a family!

So, anyway, they packed
up and came to Beverly Hills.

Well, it wasn't
quite that simple.

Mr. Clampett had his problems.

With $25 million,
he had problems?

Ah, yes. The first
one was his daughter.

She didn't want to
leave her friends.

Friends?

I thought they lived in a
completely unpopulated area?

They did.

Her friends were not
the kind you and I have.

Now I ain't gonna be here
to look after you no more,

so you're gonna have to
keep yourself out of trouble.

Watch out for them
coyotes and them bobcats,

and them hunters with guns.

Stay out of folks's gardens,

'cause you know how it riles
up Granny when you get in hers.

Excepting when we're gone,

you can have
everything that's left.

I'm sorry there ain't
going to be room enough

on the truck to take you along.

But maybe you wouldn't
like Californy anyhow.

Maybe I ain't
gonna like it, either.

If I don't,

then I'ma come and
hightailin' it right back here

and me and you will set up
housekeeping all by ourselves.

Elly?

Elly May?

Yeah, Pa, over here.

You feeling all right, Elly?

You didn't eat your supper.

Sure, Pa.

Just wasn't hungry.

You cold?

You shaking like a sumac leaf.

No, Pa, I ain't cold.

I'm scared.

Scared?

Why?

Ain't nothing in this woods
can hurt you, even in the dark.

It ain't the woods or the dark.

It's going so far away.

I don't know what
it's gonna be like

out there in Beverly Hills.

Why, it's gonna
be just like here,

except we'll have
things a lot nicer.

Will I go to school,

and wear fancy
dresses like city girls,

and put powder on my face,

and get my hair all fixed up in

one of them there
beauty parlors?

Why, sure you will.

Then I ain't going.

Elly.

I want you to meet the Clampetts
under different circumstances.

You'll find them to be
really charming people.

Uh, including Granny?

Oh, yes.

This time you'll get a
completely different reception,

I promise you.

Elly May,

you sound the alarm

if you see that
revenuer man coming!

I will, Granny.

I'll blast him before he
gets through that gate.

Of course, even after
Mr. Clampett convinced

his daughter to leave
her animal friends,

he still had Granny
to contend with.

I guess she didn't like the
notion of being uprooted.

That's putting it mildly.

The way he tells it,

she just downright
refused to budge.

Elly, if old Duke
sits there with you,

there ain't gonna
be room for Granny.

Oh, that's all right Pa,

Granny ain't goin'.

Who says she ain't?

She says she ain't.

That's right, Uncle Jed.

She's a-sitting on the
back porch in her rocker,

and she says that's
as close to Californy

as you're gonna get her.

We'll see about that.

Danged if I ain't got me

the muley-est women.

First it's Elly,

now it's Granny.

We ain't never gonna get there.

Now, what's all this nonsense

about you ain't
going to Californy?

Ain't no nonsense to it.

If the good Lord had
a-wanted me in Californy,

he'd a-put me in Californy.

Maybe he's just
getting around to it.

Folks says he moves
in mysterious ways.

Well, if he moves me, I'll go.

But you and big Jethro

ain't a-budgin' me.

Granny, this here Beverly Hills

sounds like the kind
of place you'd like.

That Brewster fella says
they got smogs out there.

What's a smog?

Well, me and Jethro
figured out that's a small hog.

You heard what Pearl said,

they ain't got no
snow out there.

You could run
your still year round.

Runs the year round here.

Yeah, but walking
down through the snow

to the still always makes
you feel so miserable.

I might feel miserable
walkin' down.

The way Haas coming
back makes up for it.

Dag nabbit, Granny,

we've been planning and talkin'

about this trip for days.

You never said you wouldn't go.

Never said I would, neither.

But that Brewster feller

has bought us a house
in them Beverly Hills.

He sent our 25 million
to the bank out there.

Well, you just
chase on out after it.

I'm stayin' right here.

And I ain't afeared, neither.

Granny, I ain't
a-leavin' you here alone.

And I ain't a-budgin'
out of this rocker.

Let her roll, Jethro!

Only a man of Jed
Clampett's strength

and authority could've
handled Granny.

Uh, he'll be there

when we get to the
Clampett place, won't he?

Oh, sure, you have
nothing to worry about.

There's the entrance up ahead.

Yes, I know.

There's a car stoppin'
at the gate, Granny.

They closed the
gate since I left.

I'll get it.

You know, this reminds
me of an experience

I had when the
Clampetts first moved in.

I was leaving and
found the gates closed.

Hello, hello.

Mr. Clampett, can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you.

Good, good.

I need your help.

Sounds like you inside the wall.

I am.

Would you let me out, please?

Well, you bet I will.

You stay right where you are.

I'll get me a axe

and have you out
of there in no time.

He demolished ten feet of wall

before I could stop him.

Granny, Mr. Drysdale's
opening the gate.

Good!

He's leading that
revenuer right into a trap.

You're gonna get
it, Mr. Revenuer.

Where's my gun?

Quick, Jed, shoot him!

We ain't gonna shoot nobody.

He ain't nobody.

Revenuers and
buzzards don't count.

You go on inside and
cook up some vittles.

Since when is a
revenuer company?

Mr. Clampett, I'd like
you to meet Mr. Landman.

Pleased to meet
you, Mr. Clampett.

How do you do, Mr. Landman.

Uh, since you're a friend
of Mr. Drysdale's here,

I reckon you're welcome,

but as you can see, we
don't cotton to revenuers.

I'm not a revenuer,
Mr. Clampett.

I guess back in the hills
where you come from,

I'd be a tax collector.

Back in the hills
where I come from,

you'd be a lot younger.

Oh?

Was the climate that healthy?

No, it's just you wouldn't
have lived to get this old.

Jed, is the revenuer
staying to supper?

He ain't no revenuer.

Well, is the furriner
staying to supper?

How about it, Mr. Landman?

You too, Mr. Drysdale.

Uh, you're not by
any chance cooking

mustard greens and
possum innards, are you?

Not tonight.

No, we had them last night.

I'll stay.

Me, too.

Tonight we is havin' leftovers.

That's the thing
about possum innards:

they is just as good
the second day.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.