The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 29 - The Clampetts and the Dodgers - full transcript

Jed and Jethro go golfing with Leo Durocher, coach of the Los Angeles Dodgers, who wants to recruit Jethro as a pitcher when he sees how well he can throw.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪

♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

Dad-blamed Beverly Hills.

Puniest greens I ever did see.

What you mumbling about, Granny?

A body can't find no
greens in these Beverly Hills.

I been out all morning.

All I got was a scraggly
handful of rhubarb leaves.

Back home, I'd have
had two bushels.

Collard, mustard.

Well, simmer down, Granny.

Maybe Jethro and
me'“ bring you back

some greens from
the country today.

Ooh, you going shootin'?

Yup, Mr. Drysdale
asked Jethro and me

to go out with him
and another fella.

What're you going to shoot,
some more of them skeet?

Oh, no, no, today we're
gonna be shooting game.

Oh, praise be.

We can use some fresh meat.

Try and get a
possum or a squirrel.

Well, according to Mr. Drysdale,

we're going to be shooting
some game called "golf".

What in tarnation is a golf?

Well, I don't rightly
know, Granny,

but they must be thicker

than crows in a corn
patch around here,

'cause Mr. Drysdale says

everybody in Beverly
Hills shoots them.

Ain't never seen no strange
critters runnin' around.

They must live in holes in
the ground, like a gopher.

Yeah, I reckon
maybe you're right.

Just the other day
I heard him say

he shot nine holes
of golf and got 57.

There must be a
mess of them to a hole.

Pa, Pa!

Look at all the stuff
Mr. Drysdale sent over for you.

What's them, Elly May?

Well these here is
what you call golf bags.

Mmm, doggies.

Sure is a heap fancier than
a gunny sack for toting game.

You know something, Jed,

them golfs must be
about gopher size,

if Mr. Drysdale can get
57 of them in one of these.

Golfs ain't nothin'
like gophers, Granny.

Them things can fly.

Fly?

- Golfs?
- Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Mr. Drysdale said the fella
we's shooting with today...

Uh, what's his name again, Elly?

Uh, Mr. Dew-roacher,

Mr. Leo Dew-roacher.

Yeah. Well, anyway,

he got four birdies yesterday.

Well, this must be mighty
funny-lookin' critters.

Fly like a bird and live in
the ground like a gopher.

Well, Mr. Dew-roacher
knows how to get them rascals.

He shot 32.

He just ain't in it
with Mr. Drysdale.

He shot 57.

Well, the only thing I know

is that them rascals
is sure hard to kill.

After you shoot them,

you got to club them.

The dickens you say.

That's a fact, Granny.

The big boxes are
just full of golf clubs.

Look at this, Uncle Jed.

Mmm, that's a wicked-looking
knob on this club.

You could brain
a bear with that.

You think that one's wicked,

look at this one.

That knob is solid iron.

Oh, here's something
else Mr. Drysdale

sent over to us.

He said we's supposed
to wear these things

when we shoots golfs.

By doggies, Jethro,

them golfs must be the
toughest little critters there is.

First you shoot them,
then you club them,

then you stomp them with spikes.

Daddy, no.

Miss Jane says to me, she says,

"When your pa and
Jethro go out to shoot,

tell them to watch
out for the traps."

Traps, too?

Ooh, I can't wait to tangle
with one of them golfs.

For pure scrappiness,

they must make a mountain
lion look like a pussycat.

That's the truth, Uncle Jed.

Well, they come right at ya.

You got to dodge
them and duck them.

We got the fella to show us how.

Who's that?

Mr. Dew-roacher.

Miss Jane says he's
a famous dodger.

Is that right?

Yes, sir, he's so good,

he coaches all
the other dodgers.

Well, doggies.

I can't wait to meet
Mr. Dew-roacher.

Me, too.

Attaboy, little life out there.

Come on, boys,
move around out there.

Come on, go get those balls.

Come on, get the
ball over the plate,

now what kind
of pitching is that?

Give them some
good balls to hit at.

This is batting practice.

Come on, let's go.

Add a little life.

I want to talk to you, kid.

Let me ask you something.

Why don't you sign
with the Dodgers?

The happy team,
where winning friends

is a lot more important
than winning ball games.

Yeah, you sure
won a lot of friends

in San Francisco last season.

Got a great sense
of humor, you have.

Also a great pitching arm.

But what do you say,
you ready to sign with us?

- Sun=.. Great.

As soon as you top the $50,000
bonus offer the Giants made me.

50?

Are you still
considering the Giants?

- Why not?
- Why not?

You can't pitch in
Candlestick Park.

That wind'll blow you
right off the mound.

Don't worry, that
50,000 will hold me down.

You like money, huh?

Love it.

You like golf?

Not as much as money.

Sign with us, then
you can have both.

You know who I'm
playing golf with today?

Who? Bank president
and a millionaire.

So what does that do for me?

What does it do for you?

The millionaire...
If you sign with us

and the millionaire's
a Dodger fan...

He may set you up in business.

What's his name?

There are so many Dodger
fans that are millionaires,

I can't keep track
of all of them.

I'd just as soon talk on
the golf course as here.

Atta boy.

And you'll like playing
with this bank president.

They tell me that he
bets big and plays lousy.

We call him Drysdale the Pigeon.

Don Drysdale's a bank president?

No, no, not Don.

But being a Dodger pitcher
is like being a bank president.

What do you mean?

Both named Drysdale, right?

Right?

Oh, come on.

I sure wish Mr. Drysdale
would hurry and pick us up.

These clubs is
gettin' awful heavy.

You know something, Jethro?

We can tote them
clubs in these bags.

But you said them
bags was for toting golfs.

Until we get the golfs,

we can tote the clubs in them.

Golly, Uncle Jed,
that's a good idea.

Come on.

Why didn't nobody ever
thought of that before?

Pa, Miss Jane just
called from the bank.

She said Mr. Drysdale couldn't
shoot golfs with you today.

He's got a big business meeting.

Aww, shucks, I
was countin' on it.

Me, too.

Well, I tell you what, Jethro,

let's load up the truck,
and we can go over there

and we'll shoot some
with Mr. Dew-roacher.

Okay, Uncle Jed.

Now, you tell Granny

that I don't know
when we'll get back,

but we'll bring her
some fresh cut greens.

Okay, Pa.

You know where to go?

Yes sir, Uncle Jed.

It's, um, Wilshire Country Club.

Be nice to get back
in the country again.

Granny, Pa said...

What are you doing
with his golf club?

Shh!

He'll never miss it.

Besides, it's dandy
for stirring greens.

Hi, Mr. Durocher,
can I park it for you?

No, I'll take care of it, Bill.

- What spot?
- Take number 12.

Right.

Howdy there.

Is this the place where
they shoot the golfs?

It is. You fellas gardeners?

Oh, Uncle Jed is...
He's the best there is.

Well, Jethro's right handy, too.

You here to take
care of the greens?

Matter of fact, we did promise
to cut some greens, yeah.

Park it around in the back
and ask for the greens keeper.

Thank you very kindly.

Yes, sir, thank you.

Jethro, I think you was right
about them golfs being birds.

- I was?
- Yeah.

When I come out here,
I seen some people take

two little white eggs out
of that hole over yonder.

I hope we get us some.

I think I got this golf
shooting figured out, too.

I've been watchin',
and this whole pasture's

full of people knocking them
little eggs along the ground.

Oh, yeah?

The way I got it figured,

when a golf comes out of
his hole to get his eggs back,

you shoot him.

I think you have got it
figured out, Uncle Jed.

Hey, this young feller got
himself a Whopper, ain't he?

Hey, where'd you
get that, little feller?

Mr. Durocher gave it to me.

And he signed it, too.

Is Mr. Durocher here?

Right over there on that bench.

If you ask him, he
might give you one, too.

Well, thanks, sonny.

Come on, Jethro.

Great game you arranged, Leo.

The bank president cancelled,

the millionaire didn't show
up, and we can't get a caddy.

I talked to the starter.

He's gonna give us
the first two that come in.

Look, I got to catch a plane
to San Francisco tonight, Leo.

Look kid, I told you,
forget about San Francisco.

The Dodgers are the greatest...

Is, uh, Mr. Durocher here?

Right here.

Well, uh, Mr. Drysdale
can't come,

but me and Jethro would
like to go along with you,

if that's all right.

That's great.

See, I told you
we'd get caddies.

Now whose bags are those?

Mr. Drysdale sent them over.

Look, put them right
over there in the rack,

take ours.

Oh, thank you very kindly.

That's mighty neighborly of you.

Boy, I've seen some seedy
looking caddies in my day.

They're really scraping

the bottom of the
barrel at this club.

Well, let's give them a break.

You know, Walsh,
I think these fellas

could use a few bucks.

All right, I'm game.

Reckon we ought to
take our guns, Uncle Jed?

They seem to want
us to use their stuff.

I reckon we ought
to oblige them.

Whomp it, mister.

Look, pal,

there's no talking
while he's swinging.

Holy cow, what a drive.

Aren't I just lucky?

Jed, you reckon it's
all right to talk now?

I reckon so.

That other fella ain't swingin'.

Whomp it, Mr. Durocher.

You'd make a great umpire.

Well, thank you, sir.

Well, I'd appreciate
it very much

if you'd be quiet while
I'm swinging also.

Oh, yes sir.

Beautiful shot, Leo.

Just lucky.

Let's take a cart
and lose those guys.

Okay, I'm with you.

Faster, they're gaining on us!

Boy, if I sink this, I'll
birdie the first hole.

A 40-footer?

- No chance.
- No chance?

You just watch me, kid...
I got the magic touch.

By doggies, we
thought we'd lost you.

Yeah, so did we.

You fixing to whomp it again?

Yeah, I'm fixing
to whomp it again.

Say, you fellas
ever caddy before?

No, I don't reckon so.

You ever been on a
golf course before?

No, sir, but we sure is
anxious to learn about it.

You want to learn?

Come on with me
then, fella, come on.

Hey, mister, could you tell me
where I might find some greens?

Well, what do you
think you're standing on?

- Right here?
- Yeah.

By doggies, somebody done
cut them so close to the ground,

there ain't nothin' left.

You saying greens to eat?

Yeah, I promised
Granny I'd bring her home

something to cook tonight.

Say, old timer, uh,

how long has it been since
you had a decent meal?

Mmm, I'd say about a week.

That's when we had the last of
the salted down possum belly.

Have you got the idea?

Just stand there quietly
and hold the pin, right?

Oh, yes, sir.

Saved it for you, Mr. Durocher!

What do you mean,
you saved it for me?

I had to stop it, it'd have fell
right in that little hole there.

Oh, give me that ball.

Aw, take it easy, Leo.

Look, these poor guys
haven't eaten in a week.

Mr. Durocher,

your golf egg is stuck in
the top of that tree yonder.

Well, why don't you two fellas

just climb up there
and get it out of there?

Ain't no call to do that.

Jethro can knock it out for you

if we can find something
for him to throw.

You mean you can knock

that little ball out of
the top of that tree?

Well, easy, if I could
find a rock or something.

Never mind a rock.

Here, use this.

Hey, Uncle Jed, it's
another one of them big eggs.

Hey, could you hit that
golf ball up in that tree?

Hit it?

I can't even see it.

I'll knock it down for
you, Mr. Durocher.

Okay.

Where'd you learn
to throw like that?

Huntin' squirrels.

Jethro could knock
a squirrel out of a tree

clean across this pasture.

Can you throw like
that on the level?

What you mean?

Well, could you hit the trunk
of that little tree over there?

Oh, you mean the one
with the knothole in it?

Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's-that's the one.

I reckon so.

If he can hit that trunk
from this distance,

he's got the greatest
arm since Satchell Paige.

I'll fling it for you,
Mr. Durocher.

I'll put it right
in the knothole.

How long can
you throw like that?

Well, after about
eight or ten hours,

my arm kind of stiffens up,

so I have to start
throwin' with my left.

I can throw harder
with my right,

but my left don't
get tired so quick.

Hey, Leo?

Hey, Leo!

Hey, Leo!

Ah, while you're running,

keep right on going
to San Francisco.

Here you are, Granny.

Oh, that's a good girl.

Yeah.

Granny, Elly May,
wait'll you hear the news.

Get some greens?

- No, but, uh...
- Get some golfs?

- No, but...
- I got some of their eggs, Granny.

Lookee here.

Kind of hard.

The shells is, but
they's soft inside.

Too hard to crack.

I'll have to boil them.

Now, Granny, you come on
over here and listen to the news.

You too, Elly May.

Well, what is it, Pa?

This boy here is gonna
be a baseball thrower.

What's a baseball thrower?

That's a feller that
throws a baseball.

What's a baseball?

This here is a baseball.

They play a game
with these things.

How you play it, Pa?

Well, far as I can figure,

you get one of them golf
eggs stuck in the top of a tree,

and then you knock it
out with this here baseball.

Yeah, and then if
you knock it down,

you get to throw the
baseball through a knothole.

That sounds like fun.

Can I play, too?

Well now, Elly, I don't know.

Well, I can throw
just as good as Jethro.

Yeah, you can.

She can't neither.

- Can too!
- Cannot!

Now, now, listen, now,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let's let Mr. Durocher decide.

He's coming over
here in a few minutes

with something called
a contract for Jethro.

Well, I want one of
them contracts, too.

Well, wait, let's just sit here
and wait for Mr. Durocher.

Stop worrying, Buzzie.

It'll be okay.

What do you mean, stop worrying?

If this kid Walsh
signs with the Giants,

O'Malley will kill us.

Relax.

This Jethro is a
one-man pitching staff.

Believe me, if we sign him,

you can put, you know,
seats in the bullpen.

Let all the other
pitchers sell hot dogs.

O'Malley would love us.

Now, don't throw
too hard, Elly May.

You'll drive Jethro plumb
through the woodwork.

Okay, Pa.

There goes that spook,

playing music in
the walls again.

One of these days,

I'm going to conjure
that rascal out of there.

Well, I reckon we might
as well get out front.

Somebody always comes to
the door when that music plays.

I thought you said this
Jethro was a poor boy.

They must be the
caretakers here.

They're so poor,

I know they haven't
eaten in a week.

And he still threw
the ball that good?

And fast.

If we feed this boy,

we're going to have to
have a gorilla to catch him.

They work for bananas,

and I think O'Malley
would love it.

I know he would.

Well, Mr. Durocher.

Mr. Clampett.

I want you to meet our
general manager, Mr. Bavasi.

Well, howdy, howdy.

Come in, come in.

Well, now, Jethro.

After you throw
this here baseball

into the knothole on that tree,

well, then what happens?

Well, then Mr. Durocher
throws his arms

around you and
says, "Praise be!"

"I got me a pitcher!"

"Pitcher"?

According to him, that's
what baseball teams

is always needing.

Big, strong pitchers.

Well, if he don't mind
one that's chipped a mite.

Not that kind, Granny.

In baseball, a
pitcher is a fella

that throws that there ball.

Well, what do you
throw it at, Jethro?

You throw it at a plate.

Don't it bust the plate?

No, Elly.

This kind of plate
is made out of wood

or something and
it sets in the ground.

Well, you wouldn't
get me to eat off of it.

You don't eat off of it, Granny.

A feller stands
beside it, holdin' a bat.

A bat?

Sounds like a game
you play in a cave.

How do you hold the bat?

There's only one way, Elly.

You have to catch that
varmint by the end of its wings

and spread-eagle him,

so he can't bite you.

No, Granny. You got to...

Have you ever been bat-bit?

No, ma'am, but...

Now don't tell me
about bat-bitin', boy.

I was bat-bit before
you was born.

These bats don't bite, Granny.

They is made out of wood.

Wood bats?

Yes, ma'am.

And you don't play
baseball in a cave, neither.

You play it on a diamond.

A diamond?

Yes, ma'am.

Who told you all this, boy?

Mr. Durocher.

And you swallowed it.

Well, Granny, he's a coach!

He might be a coach,
but if you ask me,

he's got a few horses missin'.

Go on out to the
cement pond, everybody.

Mr. Durocher's there.

He's got a fella with
him name of, uh, Bavasi.

Who's he, Pa?

Well, he's the general
manager of them Dodgers.

Uh, Mr. Durocher
calls him Buzzie.

Well, if you ask me,

Mr. Durocher is
the one that's buzzy.

Are you comin', Granny?

No. I'm going to stay here
and do something sensible.

I'm going to boil
these golf eggs.

You mean to say this
entire estate belongs to you?

Sure does.

It's bigger than Dodger Stadium.

Jethro, show Mr. Bavasi
how you can throw a baseball.

Just a minute, Leo.

These people are
pretty prosperous.

Let's find out how much
money he's gonna want.

Money? Shucks, no,
Mr. Bavasi, I don't want no money.

I just throw for the fun of it.

O'Malley will love you.

Look, Jethro, get back
over there about 60 feet.

You know, right this
side of that wall there,

and throw the ball.

There ain't no
knotholes around here.

Just pretend,

just pretend that this
is a knothole right here

and throw it right
in this pocket.

Okay, Mr. Durocher.

Ain't you gonna hurt
your hand, Mr. Durocher?

Not with this mitt on.

Watch this, Buzzie.

Okay, Jethro, right
in the old knothole.

Let's show him the
kind of stuff you got.

Looks like he carries
his own rosin bag.

Ready, Mr. Durocher!

Mr. Durocher.

Mr. Durocher! Pa!

You all right?

I'm sorry, Mr. Bavasi.

I held back, but I
reckon not enough.

Forget it, Jethro...
Coaches we got.

Pitchers we need.

What's all that
grease on your hand?

Oh, that there's possum fat.

I can't throw straight at all

lest I put that on
my hands first.

- You're kidding.
- No, sir.

I've been throwing rocks
like that since I was this high.

Now I can't throw nothing

that ain't smeared
with possum fat.

Did I hear that right?

You sure did.

He can't throw anything

that isn't smeared
with possum fat.

Look, Buzzie, maybe we
can get the commissioner

to legalize the possum ball.

Uh-uh.

So long.

Where you going, Mr. Durocher?

To drown myself.

O'Malley will love you!

I never seen a feller so fond
of water as that Mr. Durocher.

Yes, sir, Mr. O'Malley,

I'll catch the 5:30
plane to San Francisco.

No, don't worry.

I won't let that Wesson
kid sign with the Giants.

Bring him back or what?

Off the Golden Gate Bridge?

Bu“ just got out of the water.

Yes, sir. Good-bye.

Gee.

Here you are, Mr. Durocher.

- Well, thank you.
- This soup will warm you up.

And here, have a piece
of Granny's corn bread.

It'll put hair on your chest.

Yeah, will it put
anything up here?

Hey, it is kind of
sparse, ain't it?

Sparse?

I've seen more hair
grow on a hog's liver.

Say, this is pretty good.

Chicken, isn't it?

You didn't miss it much.

Chicken hawk.

Would you like a golf egg?

A what?

A boiled golf egg.

Boiling them made
them kind of rubbery.

And that yolk is black as coal.

Maybe put a lot of
salt on it. That'll fix it up.

Oh, thanks, I'm not hungry.

You suppose my
clothes are dry yet?

Well, they ought to be.

Jethro and Elly May is
running around the block,

trailin' them in the breeze.

Here you are, Mr. Durocher.

Bone dry.

Well, thanks a million.

Say, Jethro, are you sure

that you can't throw
without possum fat?

Oh, yes, sir, I'm positive.

I can throw as good as
Jethro without possum fat.

She sure can.

Elly May can out-throw anybody.

Oh, yes, sir, she's
got plenty of stuff.

Yeah, we could never hide
it under a Dodger uniform.

You come on outside
and I'll show you.

Well, I got an hour
before my plane.

Don't mind if I do
play a little catch.

All right, Elly,
aim for the glove.

Here we go again.

That man spends
more time in the water

than a bullfrog.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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