The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 27 - Granny's Spring Tonic - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

♪ It's the first
week of spring ♪

♪ And Granny's
Whompin' up her tonic ♪

♪ For to give to all
the family and her kin ♪

♪ Though it tastes
mighty bitter ♪

♪ It is good for
man and critter ♪

♪ 'Cause it gets your
blood to runnin' free again ♪

♪ Granny's brew ♪

♪ Is good for you ♪

♪ If you're off your feet, you
ought to have some, too ♪

♪ Even Pa leaves his fiddle ♪

♪ He just sits out
front and whittles ♪

♪ Cousin Jethro, he's
a-sleepin' in the shade ♪

♪ Instead of doin'
her spring cleanin' ♪

♪ On her mop, Aunt
Pearl's a-leanin' ♪

♪ Granny better get
that batch of tonic made ♪

♪ There's the gong ♪

♪ Won't be long ♪

♪ Till the family's back to
feelin' good and strong. ♪

Line up, everybody,
first come, first served.

One, two,

three and four.

All right, Pearl, go ahead.

By rights, you-you
should go first, Jed.

You're the head of the family.

Oh, no, no, Pearl,
I ain't in no hurry.

Uh, how about you, Elly May?

Oh, no, Pa, I was
the last one in.

I take it this family don't
want to take my tonic?

- Oh, no, Granny, it's good.
- Oh, no, it's scrumptious!

- It's delicious!
- Well, then step up, somebody be first.

Well, Pearl, uh, go on ahead.

Uh, women and children first.

That's the rule.

That's the rule for fire,
flood and dee-saster.

Well, it seems to
me, Granny's tonic

ought to fit in there somewhere.

I heared what you
said, Jed Clampett.

And just for that, when
it comes your turn,

you're going to
get a double dose.

Now step up,
somebody, and get at it.

Hey, I got a idea.

How about lettin'
this little feller go first.

He looks kind of puny.

Yeah, he's been acting
kind of poorly lately, Granny.

Tonic him first, Granny.

Sure seems to like it.

Yeah, you want some more?

No, I reckon that's enough
for a little critter like him.

Yes sir, best batch I ever made.

Miss Hathaway,
these papers are ready

for Jed Clampett's signature.

Oh, incidentally,
you did a fine job

bringing his file up to date.

Thank you, Chief.
I'll be right in.

Mr. Drysdale, I wish to give
credit where credit is due.

Most of the work
on the Clampett file

was done by Miss Buckles here.

Hmm? Buckles?

Who's she?

Comparatively new girl, Chief,

but already she has
displayed those qualities

so rare in the modern
girl... Eagerness to learn,

willingness to work,
loyalty to the bank,

- devotion to duty.
- All right, all right.

How much of a
raise does she want?

Oh, no, Mr. Drysdale, I-I
didn't do it to get a raise.

I did it because I'm sincerely
interested in my work here,

and I'm determined to
become the best empl...

second best
employee in your bank.

You hear that, Chief?

Rare devotion to duty.

And Miss Buckles worked on
the Clampett file on her own time.

Very praiseworthy.

All right, what's
Mr. Clampett's present balance?

$34,783,127.34.

That's not including
the oil deposit due today.

Well, you are
familiar with his file.

I feel that a job worth
doing is worth doing right.

Unlike some of the others,

this girl is not here
to find a husband.

She is here to work.

- Right, Gloria?
- Right, Miss Hathaway.

You may call me Jane.

- All right.
- Oh, thank you.

Take these up to Mr. Clampett.

Now, make sure he signs
in all places indicated.

- Right, Chief.
- Miss Hathaway,

your time is so valuable

and I know that
Mr. Drysdale needs you.

I would never be missed
from the secretarial pool.

Do you hear that, Chief?

Is she a rare find?

I just try to be like
you, Miss Hathaway.

Jane.

Ja-Jane.

Chief, if it's all
right with you,

she is familiar with the papers.

Huh? Oh, fine. Yeah, fine.

- And, Gloria.
- Yes?

You must take my car.

Oh, no, Miss Hathaway, I...
- Oh, tut, tut, tut.

I insist.

- Granny?
- Eh?

You seen anything of Jed?

Not since I gave him
that double dose of tonic.

Yeah, I wondered if had
ought to double dosed him.

Just one dose has
Jethro jumpin' fences.

Well, Jed's an older man.

- He can hold his tonic.
- Mm.

II

$34, 783, 127.34.

$34,783,127.34.

$34,783,127.34.

Howdy, ma'am.

Oh, how do you do?

I'm Gloria Buckles from
the Commerce Bank.

Ah, it's mighty nice to meet ya.

I'm Jed Clampett.

- You?
- Yes, ma'am.

But I was looking for
a... a much older man.

Ain't no older men around here.

Might could scare you up
one in the neighborhood.

Seems to me I seen an elderly
fella down the road a piece.

No, no, I-I simply meant I...

I couldn't believe that
you were so young.

Well, maybe it's 'cause I ain't.

But you look so young...

You do look young.

Is that a fact?

He's holdin' his tonic,

but that ain't all.

I tell you, Granny, I
seen it with my own eyes.

That girl is young
enough to be his daughter.

And you say he gave her a hug?

Grabbed at her like
a crawdad grabs bait.

That old mountain goat.

I didn't figure on
him running wild.

It was your tonic.

You shouldn't've
double dosed him

and him being a widower so long.

Oh, Jed’ll come to his senses.

Hmm, I don't know.

There ain't no
fool like a old fool.

Jed ain't old.

He's old enough.

But he ain't too old,

and that's where the danger is.

Oh, Pearl, you're makin'
a hill out of a haystack.

Granny, I got a
good look at this girl,

and I'm tellin' you
right now, that ain't hay.

She's the real,
big city article.

Not the kind of girl that Jed's
used to meetin' back home.

Oh, girls is girls,
city or country.

They all come out
of the same catalog.

Maybe so,

but the city girls
make it look like

there's more in the package.

Granny? Pearl?

Oh, there you are.

I see what you mean, Pearl.

She's wrapped
tight and tied loose.

I want you all to meet
Miss Gloria Buckles.

This here is, uh, Granny,

and, uh, Cousin Pearl.

How do you do?

I'm very pleased
to meet you ladies.

Howdy.

Hi.

Well, uh, ain't she just
about the prettiest thing

you ever did see?

Yeah.

Favors Elly a lot.

Just about her age, too,
wouldn't you say, Granny?

- A mite younger.
- Mm.

Who's Elly?

His granddaughter.

I mean, my granddaughter.

She's Jed's daughter.

Oh, are you married,
Mr. Clampett?

I'm a widower, ma'am.

Yeah, poor ol' Jed.

I reckon he's come
for another dose

of his lumbago medicine, Granny.

I reckon.

Poor ol' feller was up all
last night with the miseries.

A-moanin' and a-groanin'

and a-walkin' the floor.

Yes, the poor ol'
fella is past the point

where liniment
does him any good.

Bless his poor sweet ol' bones.

Now, girls, that's just
about enough of that.

You both know I never
had a twinge of the miseries

in all my life.

Knock on wood.

Pearl, his mind is
wandering again.

Ain't his fault, Granny,
he missed his nap.

I want to apologize
for them two, ma'am.

They both just think
they is being funny.

Oh, I know what you mean.

I have some elderly
relatives like that myself.

It's such a beautiful day.

Why don't we go
for a drive... Jed?

Well, thank you, ma'am, I...

I'd like that, uh... Gloria.

Did you hear what she called us?

Elderly relatives.

Never mind that.

It's what he called
her and she called him

and now she's going to
get him out alone in her car.

Let's get in the truck
and follow them.

We can't drive.

Jethro can.

Oh, I don't want Jethro
gettin' no ideas from his uncle.

Don't forget, he's
been tonicked, too.

Oh, we has nothing
to worry about.

Jed's a man that can
keep his feet on the ground.

Once he gets his
arms around that girl,

won't much matter
where he keeps his feet.

By dingies, ma'am,

if you hadn't brought her
to a halt right when you did,

we'd have gone
right over that bluff.

I'll get out and push
her back on the road...

Oh, no, no, Mr. Clampett.

I stopped here purposely.

Oh?

How come?

Well, it's so beautiful

and I'm so lonely.

Pretty woman like you?

Why, I'd think these city boys

would be standin'
in line for you.

Boys, yes.

Men, no.

Well, I see them here all ages.

I'm afraid that years alone
do not turn a boy into a man.

I reckon I know what you mean.

I blame that city down there.

Something about it
seems to close in on a boy

and keep him small
and immature all his life.

Now, show me a boy that's
grown up in the country,

in the mountains especially,

and I'll show you a man.

A real man.

You're going to think
I'm making this up

on account of
what you just said,

but I growed up
in the mountains.

No.

Yes, ma'am.

Don't let that Beverly
Hills mansion fool you.

I'm a mountain
boy, born and bred.

Of course.

Of course, I see it now.

I see it in those
cool, clear eyes,

unclouded by smog.

Eyes that've looked
beyond a city skyline

and seen of the truth
and beauty of nature.

I see it in this rugged,

handsome face.

I see it in these strong
but gentle hands,

hands that have dug
into the good earth,

put life into it,

and brought it forth.

Hands, roughened by honest toil.

Take another look at the face.

Can you see anything of 'em?

Not a sign.

Where could they
be all this time?

At the preacher, if you ask me.

We should've followed
them in the truck

like I said and taken
our chances with Jethro.

Now, don't shake
your finger at me.

It was your witch's brew
that started this mess.

Don't you go calling my
spring tonic any witch's brew.

Granny, Granny, Granny.

We got to stick together.

If that young city snip
gets her claws into Jed,

first thing she's going
to do is get rid of us.

Oh, Jed wouldn't
marry no city woman.

Would he, Pearl?

Oh, Jed, Jed.

What have you done to me?

Nothin', ma'am.

Oh, yes, you have.

You've sentenced me
to a life of loneliness.

A life without love.

A life unfulfilled.

Well, I don't know
what you mean, ma'am.

Hones“ don't.

I'll tell you what I mean.

You've set a standard no
man could measure up to.

A goal I could never achieve.

Having met you,

I could-I could never
care for a city man.

Those weak and
puny clothes dummies

with their... their narrow suits

and their narrow shoulders
and their narrow minds.

Please, ma'am, I...

I have felt the muscles
of a mountaineer

ripple beneath my hands.

Do you think I could ever
be happy with anything less?

No.

I shall never marry.

Better an old maid

than a life with a man I
could neither love nor respect.

Ma'am, don't feel that way.

Pretty woman like
you, smart and all,

why it'd be a terrible shame

if you was to...
never to get married

and raise a flock of young'uns.

No.

Oh, please, ma'am.

I'd feel terrible if I thought

you was wastin'
your life this way.

Please change your mind.

Well, Miss Gloria,
if you're determined

to marry a mountain
man and none other,

and unless you do it
your life will be ruined,

maybe... and I get
to know you better,

I might could find a way.

Oh, Jed.

Now, I ain't makin' no promises,

but, uh, you set me to thinking.

I reckon we'd best get back home

and everybody get
better acquainted.

Here they come,
Granny, here they come.

If she thinks that she's
going to throw us out,

I'll fill her so full
of buckshot that...

Granny, get rid of that.

They's coming up the driveway.

Is they dragging tin
cans behind the car?

I couldn't tell. Now
put that gun away.

This sichiation calls
for brains, not buckshot.

We'll spy on them. Come on.

Oh, pert near forgot
your pocketbook.

Oh, those are some papers
Mr. Drysdale wants you to sign.

Well, uh, come on, let's
get in here and get busy.

Got a lot to do,
signin' and dancin'

and gettin' better acquainted.

Well, I reckon the
first thing I better do

is sign them papers
you got for me.

Uh, yes, yes,
that's a good idea.

Is she wearing a wedding ring?

Wait till she gets
her gloves off.

Don't see one.

Good. Then they ain't
been to the preacher.

What is all them anyway?

Well, now this
transfers your money

from one account to the other.

And this...

this is your last
will and testament.

They ain't been to the preacher,

but they been to the lawyer,

and that's just as bad.

Worse.

Come on, we got to stop him.

Oh. There you are, Jed.

We've been looking
all over fer ya.

You give the doctor
a terrible fright,

disappearing like that.

- Doctor?
- Yeah.

He was afraid you might've
fell in the cistern again.

What are you talking about?

Why, Jed Clampett, shame on you.

You know the doctor don't
want you to have nothing sharp.

Pearl, what in
the blue blazes...

Now, now, now,
don't get excited, Jed.

Doctor says it ain't good
for him to get excited.

Well, h...

Well, what are you, what
are you, what are you...?

Ooh, I almost forgot.

Come on in to the parlor.

I got a surprise for you.

- Surprise?
- Come on now.

All right, what's the surprise?

Well, the surprise is what...

what Pearl and me found
out about that woman

whilst you was gone.

What'd you find out?

She's a spy.

A spy?

For one of them foreign nations.

Which one?

Minneapolis... Wisconsin.

Granny.

Poor ol' fella.

He ain't been hisself since
that mule kicked him in the head.

What a shame.

I suppose he's been
giving you that story

about having lots of money

and this house
being his and all that.

I did get the impression

that he was a very
wealthy man, yes.

Don't have a cent.

Not a red penny to his name.

- Is that a fact?
- Yeah.

But it ain't his
fault, poor ol' thing.

He didn't mean no harm.

- The mule kick.
- Mm.

Shook a few things
loose in the loft.

You believe
Kansas City, Illinois?

Now, Granny, I
want you and Pearl

to stop all this nonsense
and listen careful.

You go out and round
up Jethro and Elly May.

I want the whole family

to get well-acquainted
with Miss Buckles here,

because when you do,

I just might have an
announcement to make.

What about, Jed?

You'll find out in
due time, Pearl.

Now, you and
Granny go on, scoot.

This beautiful young lady here

is going to teach me
how to dance city-style.

That's right, Mr. Drysdale,
we didn't know who else to call.

But we think this here woman's
trying to get Jed's money.

Well, she says her
name is Gloria Buckles,

but I don't know that that...

What?!

What?

Oh, well, yes, sir.

Yes, sir, we will. Bye.

Mr. Drysdale must
know that woman,

he's a-comin' right over.

Is Pa gonna marry up with her?

Oh, child, we hope not.

We pray not.

Why, Granny?

Well, I got a look at
her, and boy, she's pretty.

Beauty is only skin deep, son.

Well, she must
have awful deep skin,

because every place
I could see was...

Oh, never mind!

Now, Mr. Drysdale says
we's to keep her here

till he comes.

- I'll watch her, Ma.
- You watch her car.

How about I throw her
down and sit on her?

Good idea. I'll sit with ya.

No, Jed ain't going to
hold still for nothing rough.

Now, Elly, you and Jethro
keep an eye on things.

Granny and me is going to
do some plottin' and thinkin'

What'd you say
this one was called?

This is called the twist.

If a feller was to dance
this in a fresh-plowed field,

he'd auger his way right
into the ground, wouldn't he?

II

Hey Jethro, come on
in. You want to dance?

I'd heap rather dance
with her, Uncle Jed.

That's what I had in mind, boy.

Miss Buckles, this here
is my nephew, Jethro.

- Hi.
- You teach him that there twist,

and I'll teach it to Elly May.

This is my daughter I've
been telling you about.

Oh, what a beautiful child.

You and I are going
to be such good chums.

Ma'am, I think he meant
for you to dance with me.

We're in time,
Chief, there's my car.

Yes, now where's
your protégé, that loyal,

devoted, hardworking
gold digger?

I still can't believe
it... So shy, so retiring.

Hmm. She'll be retiring if
she hooks Jed Clampett.

II

Whoa, Pa!

Yea-haw!

Go, Uncle Jed!

This is fun!

Jethro, I reckon you
better answer that door.

Okay, Uncle Jed.

Well, howdy.

Oh, how do you do,
ma'am, I'm sorry to intrude.

Howdy, folks, come on
in, dig yourselves a hole.

Gloria Buckles.

Huh? Where, where, where?

There.

Oh, my, it really is.

You impostor!

Jezebel!

You gold digger.

I have a bulletin for you two.

You better be nice to me,
or else after my wedding,

you may lose your
largest depositor.

Wedding?!

Mr. Clampett.

Have things gotten
as far as actually

discussing marriage
with this woman?

Well, yes,
Mr. Drysdale, they have.

Her and me had a
nice long talk about it,

and that's the reason
I brung her home,

so she could, uh, meet the
family, kind of get acquainted.

But-but...

This pretty young city
woman says that unless

she can marry a mountain man,

she just ain't going
to get married at all.

I think we all agree
that'd be a terrible waste.

Should we set the date now, Jed?

Well, yeah, near as we can.

I'd say, everybody willing,

that it'd be in about,
uh, three or four years.

Three or four years?

Yeah. Be that long
before Jethro's 21.

Jethro?! Jethro?!

- Hot diggity dog, I got me a wife!
- No...

Jed! Jed!

Bring him back!

Pa, ain't you gonna marry
up with that city woman?

Oh, Elly, us old
foxes is trap shy.

Especially when the
bait goes to chasin' us.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways presentation.