The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 26 - Jed Cuts the Family Tree - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

Isn't this exciting,
Mrs. Drysdale?

Discovering that your next-door

neighbors may be descendants
of the very first settlers?

Well, if it's true. But
I just can't believe it.

The Clampetts are so uncouth,

so unrefined.

I prefer unspoiled.

Yes, Madam President.

Jethro, did you ask your
teacher over to Potts School

about that music,
like I told you?

Oh, yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

She explained it to me
and I got it all wrote down.

First of all, that there music
is what you call chimes.

Them's holler tubes
that makes ringin' sounds

when struck by a
plunger or striker.

- You don't say?
- Oh, yes, sir.

Now then, there's a
reason why them chimes

only ring when somebody
comes to the door.

Like as if there was a lookout
up on the roof a-watchin'.

That's right. You see,

there is a little button,
and pushing that button

makes that plunger
hit them chimes.

Well, doggies.

So whilst you go ahead
and go to the door,

I'm going up on the roof

and catch that rascal
that's pushin' that button.

Well, howdy, ladies,
come in, come in.

- Mr. Clampett, good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Clampett.

Have a chitlin.

Oh, what a treat.
Of course, thank you.

Thank you.

Where's Granny?

Oh, she's out in the kitchen,
stone-grinding some cornmeal.

Stone-grinding cornmeal?

Now that's something we
must see, Mrs. Drysdale.

Come along.

Uh, in a moment,
Madam President.

Uh, Mr. Clampett, will
you tell your Cousin Pearl

that my car and chauffer
are at her disposal?

Sure will. Pearl!

You going to eat the chitlin?

Why, oh, yes. Huh.

Um, by the way,
uh, Mr. Clampett,

just what is a chitlin?

Oh, these ain't
ordinary chitlins.

These is Granny's specials.

They is possum innards,

deep-fried in boilin' hog fat.

Jed?

Pearl, how come you're to
be using Mrs. Drysdale's car?

Well, Jed, now that
we's high society,

I can't be seen riding
around in that old truck.

When did we high society?

Since that historical
lady found out

that your ancestors
come to this country

before the Mayflower.

What's that got to do with me?

That's the way
society works, Jed.

The earlier your
kinfolk got here,

the higher up that puts ya.

I reckon the highest
society folks is the Injuns.

No, it don't work that way.

- How come?
- I don't know how come.

Well, they was here
before anybody else.

Now, now, now Jed, let's
not try to change the rules.

Let's just start
enjoyin' the game.

Up to now, Mrs.
Drysdale's treated us

like wet dogs at a wedding.

She has kind of warmed up.

Warmed up?

She can't do enough.

Why, she's having her chauffer
take me to all the fancy stores

and then to her beauty "saloon."

II

II

I'm certain there must be
an easier way to grind corn.

Oh, there is.

Now back home, we
took our turn of corn

to the gristmill down
by Catfish Creek.

Here in Beverly Hills,
they ain't got no creek,

nor river, to turn
the millwheel.

So, we have to go
back to grindin' corn

like we learnt from the Indians.

But surely any
supermarket would...

Mrs. Drysdale, this is
a priceless experience.

A direct contact with the past.

You can read about these things,

but to actually
participate in activities

familiar to our ancestors is...

it's to hold history
in our hands.

I don't think I could
hold anything in mine.

Smart a mite, do they?

I'm afraid they do.

Isn't it shameful how
soft we've gotten?

Well, you come on
over here, Mrs. Drysdale.

There ain't nothing like hot,

soapy water good for sore hands.

Oh, thank you.

And this here soap will
take the sting out of the pain.

You're very kind.

And while you got your
hands in the hot, soapy water,

why, you might as well
do a few of these dishes.

Dishes?!

Well, you seemed
to set quite a store

on handling all of these old,
historical pewter pots and pans.

Oh, I do. I do.

Uh, but I have to meet
my husband at his bank.

Immediately. In
fact, I'm late now.

Don't you worry, Mrs. Drysdale.

I'll save up a bunch
of thrills for you.

Like churnin', and lye-makin'

and corn-huskin'
and chicken-pluckin',

and goat-milkin'.

Aah!

By dingies, she does enjoy it.

Did you see her running
so she could hurry back?

Now, whose idea was
the two baby goats?

Elly May's.

As if I didn't know.

I declare, girl,
you are the limit

when it comes to
dragging home critters.

All I sent you fer was
a couple of chickens

and a milking goat for Granny.

I know, Pa, but these little
rascals cried something awful

when we commenced to
taking their ma away from them.

Oh, dear, I forgot
that Pearl has my car.

Well, Mrs. Drysdale,
some place you got to go?

Yes, to the bank,
to see Milburn.

- I'll call a cab.
- Oh, no, no.

That'd be downright
unneighborly of us let you do that

when Jethro and Elly May
can drive you down there.

- Sure will.
- In this truck?!

Yeah, one good turn
deserves another.

- After all, you let Pearl take your car.
- Oh.

Yeah, and you can have
the back seat all to yourself,

- Mrs. Drysdale.
- Oh, I'm in a terrible hurry.

I'd better go a...

Ain't nobody can get you
there faster than we can,

- Mrs. Drysdale.
- Don't worry, Mrs. Drysdale.

This hickory bench is
tied on good and tight.

- Yeah, but I...
- Here, Mrs. Drysdale.

You can hold that little feller

- so he won't bother me when I drive.
- Oh.

Oh'.!

Now, remember, she's in a hurry,

but, uh, drive careful, Jethro.

Well, I think I better, uh...

better not go with you. I...

II

Everyone is staring at me.

I bet you it's that beautiful
new hat they's a-lookin' at.

Do you have to drive down

the main street
of Beverly Hills?

It's the quickest way to
the bank, Mrs. Drysdale,

and you said you was in a hurry.

One side, everybody!
Get out of the way!

Move away for Mrs. Drysdale!

- Move over!
- Please, please!

We's doing the best
we can, Mrs. Drysdale.

Move over!

Get out of the way!

Oh, please!

That's the ticket,
Mrs. Drysdale,

make a noise like a sireen!

That'll move those
cars out of the way!

Come on, move over!

Oh!

Margaret.

Mrs. Drysdale.

Did you come through
the bank in this condition?

Shame on you. How
could you explain this?

The Clampetts.

I don't want to hear any more
complaints about the Clampetts.

Oh, they may be a bit
unrefined, but at least they don't

run around the streets
of Beverly Hills smashed.

What happened to
your beautiful spring hat?

Oh!

Oh, boy, crying jag.

Get some coffee,
I'll... I'll get her walking.

Margaret, I can't underst...

H... I can't understand this.

I have never seen you take a
drink before the cocktail hour.

Let go of me!

Margaret, Margaret,
pl-please lie down.

I will not.

Now, you're not going to be

one of those kind
of drunks, are you?

I am not intoxicated,
I am mortified.

The word is "ossified."

Will you listen to me?

The Clampetts are
to blame for this.

Oh, of course, of course.

And I suppose Granny
gave you some of her corn?

A huge bowl like this.

Oh, boy.

Here we are, Mrs. Drysdale.

Have a sip of this.

Thank you, I shall.

Oh, that does help.

Tell me, confidentially,

what did happen to your hat?

It was eaten by a goat.

Have some more coffee, Margaret.

Mrs. Drysdale, you really
must get a grip on yourself.

Now, if Mrs.
Smith-Standish verifies

that the Clampetts are
indeed first family material,

then you, too, will
be in the spotlight.

- I'll be in the hospital.
- Oh, Margaret.

So help me, if those
uncouth hillbillies

become my social peers,

life will cease to
be worth living.

Oh, Miss Hathaway, take me home.

Of course.

Oh, uh, Margaret? Margaret?

What happened to your car?

Did it get smashed, too?

Cousin Pearl has it.

You get Mrs. Drysdale
down to the bank all right?

Sure did, Uncle Jed.

We got the goat tied
out back in the kitchen.

Granny milk it yet?

No, she's savin' her
for Mrs. Drysdale.

Take this out to the kitchen.

Mrs. Smith-Standish
wants to look at

them old things in there.

Okay, Uncle Jed.

Come in, whoever you are.

Bonjour, Jed.

Who are you?

Pearl. S'il vous plait.

Pearl who?

Your cousin.

Pearl!

What'd they do to you
at that beauty "saloon"?

That's "salon," s'il vous plait.

And they made me glamorous.

They ruined your hair.

They took out all the
color and the curl, too.

This ain't my hair.

This is what you
call a flatter wig.

All them high society
women is wearin' them now.

How come, ain't they
got no hair of their own?

Of course they have.

But variety is
the spice of life,

s'il vous plait.

What's that "see voo play"?

I thought you'd never ask.

That there's French.

What does it mean?

I don't know.

But all them society
women in the beauty salon

kept a-saying it to the fellas
that was fixing their hair.

I tell you, Jed, we got
to learn us some French

if we're going to
be in high society.

Oh, uh, Mr. Chauffer,

uh, you-you may
go, s'il vous plait.

Very good, madam.

Good day, sir.

Yes sir, sure
is, if it don't rain.

Jed, that's the way to live.

A big limousine and
a livered chauffer.

And then folks just
know you's high society.

All you got to do is say a
few of them French words,

and they go to bowin' and
scrapin' all over the place!

What's all this stuff?

Them's surprises for everybody.

High society surprises.

You ain't getting me
in one of them wigs.

Uncle Jed.

- Uncle Jed, Granny wants...
- Uh, bonjour, monsieur.

Who's she?

I'm your ma.

Uh, s'il vous plait, n'est pas?

Ma!

Where'd you learn
how to speak Italian?

Granny! Elly May!

Come look at Ma.

She fell headfirst
in a flour barrel.

We got our work cut out for us,

making high
society out of that'n.

You can "see voo
play" that again.

Aunt Pearl!

Elly May, high society ladies
don't go round carrying goats.

Well, Mrs. Drysdale
held one on her lap

all the way to the bank.

Didn't she, Jethro?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What's all the
commotion in here?

Lookee yonder at
glamorous Cousin Pearl.

Will you kindly tell me
what is all so fired funny?

You.

You wouldn't know a high
society woman if you'd see one.

Well, I sure don't
see one around here.

Hey, look at all the
fine surprises here

Cousin Pearl brung for us.

What'd you bring us, Aunt Pearl?

- What'd you bring for me, Ma?
- Now, now, you'll find out.

Now, I did a lot
of checking today,

and I found out that
high society folks,

especially rich ones like us,

they have what you call hobbies.

Hobbies and sports.

What's them?

Them's things to keep them busy,

'cause they don't do no work.

Well, that leaves me out.

No, no, Granny,
it's all right to work,

as long as the other
high society people

don't know you work.

You see, high society
folk is always bored.

How come?

I ain't sure.

Probably 'cause they don't work.

Well, uh, why
don't they just work

and not bother with the...

Now, Jed, let's not go to
changin' the rules again.

We're just gettin'
into the game.

All right, Pearl, tell us
what you want to do.

Well, Mrs. Smith-Standish said

they might be wanting
to take our picture

for the high society
page in the newspaper.

So, I figure we got to
look like high society.

Now, all of you go
and put your clothes on,

and when Mrs.
Smith-Standish sees us,

she won't have to be shamed.

I don't think I want to get
mixed up in this nonsense.

Granny, please.

Aw, come on, Granny.

Since it pleasures Pearl so
much, it can't hurt us none.

Besides, Pearl knows a lot more
about high society than we do.

Thank you, Jed.

Pardon, Mrs. Smith-Standish.

Well, Mrs. Bodine.

What a-a beautiful gown.

Merci.

This is my tea-drinkin',
bridge-playin' dress.

S'il vous plait.

Oh, you speak French.

Oh, yes. I mean, oui.

Queue surprise charmante.

Aimez-vous parler Francais?

Uh, well you see,

I speak it, but I don't
quite understand it yet.

Ah, c'est bien dommage.

Mrs. Smith-Standish, uh,

didn't you say that they might

want some pictures
of us for the paper?

Oh, yes, if my research
data's corroborated

at FFTA in Virginia,

why, uh, pictures of
the Clampett family

will be on front
pages of newspapers

all over this country.

That'll include me, won't it?

Of course.

Well, I just want you to know,

you won't have to
be shamed of us.

Now, why would I be ashamed?

Well, you know, not
having much education,

and culture, and hobbies,

and not speaking
French and all...

Uh, that is, the others.

Je comprends.

Well, you don't have to worry,
'cause I been a-workin' on them,

and you're going to be
proud when you see them.

Now, you sit right here, and
I'll introduce them one by one.

Jed?

Mrs. Smith-Standish, it
gives me great pleasure

to present my blood cousin,

that international millionaire

and high society
sportsman, Mr. J.D. Clampett.

Jed!

Do something, Jed.

Uh, polo fer us.

I don't know how you polo.

I feel like a dang fool.

By the look of this thing,

I don't know whether
you snare them,

or knock them off trees.

Well, you go and
sit over there, Jed.

We'll be drinkin' tea
and playin' bridge directly.

Granny, you're next.

And now, it gives
me great pleasure

to present that famous
high society dowager,

and international
sportswoman, Granny,

whose favorite hobby
is big-game huntin'

in darkest Africa.

Pearl.

It's a good think for
you this gun ain't loaded.

Granny, you go on
over there and sit down

and we're gonna
have tea and bridge.

Now, uh, those of us
who is high society knows

there just ain't nothin' more
cultured than ballet dancin'.

And so, it gives
me great pleasure

to present them wealthy,
bored, international young'uns

whose favorite
hobby is ballet dancin',

Elly May and Jethro.

How beautiful.

That's only half.

Come on out, Jethro.

I ain't gonna do it.

Jethro, come on out.

I don't want to, Ma.

You look fine, you're
just dripping culture.

Mrs. Bodine,

uh, Jethro shouldn't
be wearing this tutu. It...

See, Ma? I told ya.

Well, I know it
ain't big enough,

but it's fine for the pictures.

No, wait a minute.

Wait, wait! Wait, come back!

We ain't had tea and bridge yet!

Pearl.

Pearl!

Pearl?

Go away.

Aw, Pearl, come on out.

Don't sit in there and sulk.

Mrs. Smith-Standish
wants us to show her

how to do the Virginia reel.

You show it to her.

I ain't in no mood for dancin'.

We can't dance it without you.

Come on, everybody's
getting all dressed up.

I had you all dressed
up and you run out on me.

Pearl, we just ain't
ready for society that high.

Now, Mrs.
Smith-Standish wants us all

to get dressed for reeling.

Come on out, you can wear
your store-boughten hair.

I can't neither! It's gone.

Did that old goat get it?

Crazy enough to eat anything.

I have the most
dreadful premonition

that I'm making a terrible
mistake in coming back here.

Oh, think of your career.

Mrs. Smith-Standish
has virtually promised

to support your candidacy
for West Coast vice president

of the FFT of A.

Margaret Emerson Drysdale.

Vice President of the
Women's Federation

for the Preservation
and Perpetuation

of the First Family
Traditions of America... West.

It does rather roll off
the tongue, doesn't it?

- It has a ring to it.
- Mm.

Bu“ promise you, here and now,

I'll wash no more dishes,

I'll grind no more com
and I'll make no more soap.

These aristocratic hands

were only meant to hold
a vice president's gavel.

Oh, you're doing
beautifully, Mrs. Drysdale.

I'm proud of you.

She sure got the hands for it, ain't she?
-

Mrs. Drysdale,
your husband's here.

He's going to dance with us.

Thank goodness.

Oh, my hands.

My hands.

They'll never be the same again.

There's nothin' like milking
a goat to pretty the hands.

Oh'.!

Come on, Granny, we're
getting ready for the Virginia reel.

I'll fetch your lap
organ in for you.

Oh, Mrs. Drysdale,

have you seen this
priceless antique lap organ?

Oh, so that's what it is...

I mean, it's marvelous.

You like music, Mrs. Drysdale?

I adore music.

Especially the
authentic lap organ.

I reckon Granny will
let you have a turn,

- won't you, Granny?
- Why, sure.

Mrs. Drysdale,
did you hear that?

Oh, what a red-letter
day this is for you.

Oh, yes, indeed it
is, Madam President.

Well, come on, let's
get in there and get at it.

Let's go!

Yea-haw!

Whoo-hoo!

Let's go!

II

II

Phew!

Somebody's going to
have to spell Mrs. Drysdale.

She's all pumped out.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Smith-Standish, you're
wanted on the telephone,

long distance from Virginia.

Oh, that's headquarters.

Mr. Clampett, if our
genealogical records confirm

those entries in
your family Bible,

you will make headlines
from coast to coast.

Your pictures will be
in every newspaper.

Nee-hoot {Whooping

As direct descendants

of the first family
to settle Jamestown,

you'll be
celebrities, all of you.

You'll be on radio, television,

flown to New York for
a ticker-tape parade.

Then on to Washington
to meet the president,

address a joint
session of congress.

Statues will be
erected of you...

Excuse me, the telephone.

Let her roll, Miss Hathaway.

Oh, oh, she's right.

I've got to come down to earth

long enough to get confirmation.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Smith-Standish speaking.

Yes. Yes!

Oh, well, that was the
entry in the old Bible

I couldn't quite make out.

Oh, well, Mr. Clampett
is right here,

I'm sure he'll be able to give
us confirmation immediately.

Mr. Clampett,

if your great-grandfather's
name was Ezekiel,

you are the Clampett the
world is waiting to discover.

Well, now, I... I kind of hate
to disappoint you, ma'am,

but, uh, his name was Jeremiah.

I could've told you
that, Madam President.

Oh.

Not for one moment was I fooled.

I'm sorry, no.

There seems to have
been some kind of a mistake.

Jed...

What's ailin' you?

You know doggone good and well

your great-grandpappy's
name was Ezekiel.

Yeah, I know, Granny.

But what would a ol'
mountain goat like me

have to say to the
president and congress.

Come on, everybody, let's
have another Virginia reel!

Yeee...!

II

Salute your partner!

II

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways presentation.