The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 25 - The Family Tree - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪

♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

Howdy, Pearl, have
a nice trip into town?

No, I didn't.

Every place we went,
folks stared at us.

Well, Pearl, you
got to expect that.

Fancy woman like you
dressed to the teeth,

showing a pretty ankle,
folks are bound to stare.

If you ask me, they were
staring at this old truck.

I know it's mine, Jed,

but it-it just ain't
fittin' for Beverly Hills.

You know what a couple of
people yelled at us, Uncle Jed?

They yelled, "Get a horse!"

I reckon they'd
stare more at a horse.

Jed, why don't you get one
of them big, shiny limousines,

like Mr. Drysdale.

Oh, this old truck's right
handy for fetchin' and totin'.

Needs a little polish
here and there.

Jethro, you get
you a piece of brick

and hone all this
rust off of here

and then go over the
whole thing with coal oil.

Say, Uncle Jed, if
you was to get yourself

one of them there
fancy limousines,

I could be your chauffer
and drive you around in style.

Yeah, you could sit in
the back seat all duded up

and folks'd think you was a
duke or a earl or something.

Yeah!

Oh, I don't reckon

that'd fool nobody.

Besides, I ain't
particular anxious

to have folks think
I'm something I ain't.

You're a millionaire!

Why, I bet you that's just
as good as a duke or a earl.

All right, Jethro, take her
around and go to polishing.

You know, Jed,

Mr. Drysdale could help
you get into high society,

and you could join
one of those fancy clubs

and go to stylish parties, and
get my picture in the paper.

I mean get your
picture in the paper!

I don't hanker for high
society, Pearl, but if you do,

I'll speak to Mr. Drysdale.

They tell me that when
it comes to society,

his wife is one of the
first hogs to the trough.

It, it, it ain't for me, Jed,

but it sure would
be nice for Elly May.

Why, she could be a debutante

and have a
coming-out party, and...

What's that?

It's a party where
unmarried society girls

meet unmarried society fellas.

Why, Elly May and
me could get, uh... uh...

that is, Elly May could
get a husband in no time.

Jed, you got my butter
churn patched up?

Well, I ain't got it quite
finished yet, Granny.

Jed, do you have
to do your chores

out here in front, where
everyone can see you?

No, Pearl, but the
light's better here,

and these iron chairs here
make good work benches.

But what'“ the neighbors think

with all this stuff out here?

Pearl's right, Jed.

It does look like
we's showing off.

Showing off?

Why, I bet there's not
another family in Beverly Hills

has a butter churn like that'n.

Pa, you got Granny's
spinnin' wheel fixed?

She's going to show me how
to make linsey-woolsey thread.

Oh, I... how am I ever going to
get this family in high society?

What's that, Aunt Pearl?

Well, society is,
is-is where, uh,

a bunch of high-class folks
do a bunch of high-class things.

Like what?

Well, like, drinking tea,

and playing bridge,

and having parties,

and getting dressed
up and going to the opry

and getting wrote
up in the paper.

Oh, I give up.

You can't make silk
purses out of sow's ears.

If Pearl's so dad-blame
anxious to drink some tea,

I could make her
any kind she wants.

Some red clover, some
slippery elm or some sassafras.

I don't reckon it's
the tea so much

as who she's drinkin'
it with, Granny.

Pearl would like to get in
with them society women,

like Mrs. Drysdale.

Yeah, Pearl always
was one to want better

than what she could afford.

That's Pearl.

Too poor to paint and
too proud to whitewash.

And while I'm sure
that the bank examiners

will find our fiscal
situation to be sound,

I am extremely anxious...

Oh, Milburn!

Miss Hathaway!

You know who's coming?

Yes, the bank examiner.

Well, I'm sure they'll find
your bank ever so tidy.

Now, to important matters.

I have just received
this telegram

from Priscilla Rolfe
Alden Smith-Standish.

She has consented to
become our house guest.

Oh, surely you're jesting.

No!

Well, Priscilla Rolfe
Alden Smith-Standish

is going to be
staying at our house?

Yes, indeed, Milburn.

Well, who in blue blazes is she?

Miss Hathaway,
did you hear that?

Milburn, how can you be so
uninformed and run a bank?

Well I, I have you
helping me, dear.

Thank goodness.

Mrs. Smith-Standish
is only the president

of the Women's Federation
for the Preservation

and Perpetuation
of the FFT of A:

First Family
Traditions of America.

Well, bully for the FFT of A.

But I'm expecting the SBE of C.

State Bank
Examiners of California.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, wait, Milburn.

Do I have your
permission to put everything

in readiness for the arrival
of Mrs. Smith-Standish?

- Oh, you have indeed.
- Good.

I'll have the Clampetts
moved out immediately.

Fine.

What?

Margaret, come back here.

Now, what were you
saying about the Clampetts?

“Mend to rid our
neighborhood of those uncouth,

unsightly hillbillies
before the arrival

of our prestigious houseguest.

You do, and the
President of the FFT of A

will be staying at
the YWCA with you.

Milburn!

When are you going to
get it through your head

that Jed Clampett's money is
one of the pillars of this bank?

Mrs. Drysdale, if
you'd only take the time

to get to know the Clampetts,

I'm sure you'd agree

that they're basically
very fine people.

Surely you're not suggesting

that I mingle
with them socially.

Introduce my friends to them.

Oh! No, don't do that.

They'll move away for sure.

Well, it's obvious that
I'll get no understanding

or cooperation here.

I should've listened to Mother.

She warned me against
marrying a common bank president.

Ought to work good now, Granny.

What room do you
want me to put it in?

Well, I reckon in
the kitchen, Jed.

And whilst I'm showing
Elly how to work it,

I can watch my vittles cookin'.

All right, I got to do a little
more fixin' on the bobbin.

I'll, uh, have that
out in a minute.

Hm.

Is it hard to learn, Granny?

Well, it's a mite
tricky at first.

But once you catch
on to mixing the wool

and the flax together,
it comes easy.

Don't you go to weaving
and spinning in here!

I just scrubbed and
polished this floor,

and I don't want no
linsey-woolsey dust

from that crazy old
contraption messing it up.

What do you mean,
crazy old contraption?

I mean that old thing.
Now get it out of here.

Well, should I put it
in the kitchen, Granny?

You put that smack-dab
right in the middle of this room!

Don't you dare.

This floor's clean
enough to eat off of.

Good!

Elly, fetch my pot of
jowls off of the stove.

You splatter one drop
of jowl juice on this floor,

and I'll wrap this spinnin'
wheel round your neck.

You touch that spinnin' wheel,

and there'll be more than jowl
juice splattered on this floor!

You lay a hand on me and
I'll bash you over the head

so hard your shoes'“
have three tongues!

II

Drive on out to the airport and
pick up Mrs. Smith-Standish.

I have some slum
clearance work to perform.

Well, howdy there,
Mrs. Drysdale.

Sure is a nice surprise to
have you come and visit.

Pearl and me was just
talking about you this morning.

Pearl's got a hankering to
get into society and I says,

"Well, I hear tell when
it comes to society,

Mrs. Drysdale's one of
the first hogs to the trough."

Say, you're lookin' a
mite green around the gills.

Come on inside, have a mess
of Granny's jowls and sorghum.

That'll put you to
feelin' bushy-tailed.

Mr. Clampett, I'm expecting
very important company.

Priscilla Rolfe Alden
Smith-Standish.

Well, bring 'em along.

We got plenty for
the whole bunch.

Mr. Clampett, Priscilla
Rolfe Alden Smith-Standish

is only one woman, and probably

the world's greatest
authority on colonial history,

early American
genealogical origins,

and 17th and 18th
century artifacts.

And she is the esteemed
president of the FFT of A.

Well, we sure would
be proud to meet her.

I shall call upon
every resource to avert

such a social catastrophe.

Well, thank you very kindly.

Oh'.!

May I send a truck
to pick up this debris?

Well, I don't know,

I'm sure Granny would let
you use anything you wanted,

but I don't think
she'd want to sell it.

I would only want it
for the rubbish collector.

Yeah, you're right, they
make nice gifts, but like I said...

Oh, enough of this.

Time grows short.

You are a disgrace
to Beverly Hills!

You and this pile of junk!

Why don't you go
back to the woods

and live in a cave,
where you belong?

Bravo! My sentiments precisely.

You are indeed a disgrace.

And the sooner you leave this
lovely community, the better!

Just a doggone minute, fatso!

Fatso?

You be careful what
you say to our Granny.

- Give me that!
- Oh, for the love of...

Another one, Granny!

Now, now, girls... no, no!

How dare her to say them
things about sweet little Granny.

Pearl, I hope you
ain't in no hurry

to get into high society.

I just don't think
that Mrs. Drysdale

is gonna be too quick
about giving you a leg up.

II

- You say Mrs. Drysdale is here?
- Yes, ma'am.

If it's all right, I'll take the
bags on over to the house.

Of course. Thank you.

There goes that
dad-blasted music again.

One of these days, I'm
gonna tear out all these walls

and find out where that
music's coming from.

Granny says it's a
ghost playing that music.

Maybe it's the rascal
that used to live here.

He sure don't know many tunes.

He keeps playing the same
one over and over again.

Jethro, why don't
you ask your teacher

over to Pott School
about that music?

I'll do it, Uncle Jed.

But one thing I know for sure,

somebody's gonna
come to that door.

They always do when
you hear that music.

See?

Sure had it pegged right.

By the way, your ma
wants you in the kitchen.

Howdy, ma'am.

Tell me, is this
your loom out here?

No, ma'am, that
belongs to Granny.

May I speak to her please?

Well, you sure can.

Come on in.

I have reason to believe...

Ah, what have we here?

That there is my
daughter Elly May.

The spinning wheel,
where did you get it?

It's Granny's.

She says it's been in her family

a couple hundred
years or better.

I've got to meet
Granny immediately.

Oh, forgive me, I'm
Mrs. Smith-Standish.

Well, howdy, ma'am.

I'm Jed Clampett,
and, uh, like I say,

this here is my
daughter Elly May.

- How do you do?
- Howdy.

Granny's out in the
kitchen churning butter.

Uh, why don't you run
and fetch her, Elly May?

Oh, no, please. Churning butter?

You mean by hand?

Oh, no, ma'am, with a churn.

That's another thing
that's been in their family

a powerful long time.

Take me to her,
will you, please?

I'd be pleasured, ma'am.

Ain't no use, Granny.

You can't get a polish
on this pewter junk.

Do the best you can, Pearl.

How can a body set a decent
table with this kind of stuff?

Why, if we was to have
company, we'd all be disgraced.

How enchanting!

A vignette from the past.

Oh, don't move.

What a picture!

The homespun dress...

the colonial dust cap...

the churn...

the pewter...

the old coffee mill!

Oh, it's a tableau
from another century.

Who do you reckon she is, Pearl?

Dogged if I know.

May I get some pictures?

What kind of pictures?

Still pictures.

She's a dad-blame revenuer!

Lock the door, Pearl!

We got her trapped!

Well, now hold on, Granny!

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

Hey! You let her take your gun!

Now we'll have to
rush her bare-handed.

Granny, Granny, I
don't, I don't figure

this lady is no revenuer.

She's just powerful
took with old things.

How long have
you had this rifle?

Well, my pa gave it to
me, his pa gave it to him,

I reckon his pa done the same.

Marvelous.

And the churn... How
long have you had this?

Granny, ain't that the churn

that saved your great-great
granny from the Injuns?

It sure is!

Oh, tell me about it, would you?

Well...

my great-great granny

was a-totin' this churn from
the cow barn to the cabin,

when two big Indians jumped
out of the woods to scalp her.

She had beautiful
hair, just like mine.

Get on with the story, Granny.

Well, she was out
of sorts to begin with,

'cause it was a hot day
and the butter kept a-meltin'.

And with them two redskins
trying to snatch her hair,

that riled her up a-good.

So she yanked up the dasher and
she whomped one of them with it.

Then she upended the
churn over the other one.

That old Indian ran
out into the woods,

all covered with
hot melted butter.

He hadn't gone 50 feet,

when a great big ol' bear
came out of the woods,

grabbed that ol' rascal
and licked him to death.

What a wonderful story.

From then on, every
day, that old bear

would come around
looking for Granny

to send him another
hot buttered Indian.

Milburn.

Do you know what that is?

No, what is it?

That is a hog jowl.

Oh, well, thanks, dear,

but I have other
plans for lunch.

I have just been pelted
with those repulsive objects

by your friends and our
neighbors, the Clampetts.

Milburn, this is the last straw.

Call out the militia,

have the neighborhood
rezoned, write our congressman.

Do anything that's necessary,

but get rid of
those hillbillies.

Oh, Margaret,
they're not a bad sort.

They're barbarians.

And I warn you, Milburn,

just as they brought
about the decay of Rome,

so Beverly Hills will
crumble and that's...

Oh, please, Margaret, relax.

Oh, you don't understand
such things as class war.

You're of common birth.

But we of the aristocracy have

always had to fear the
hostility of peasants.

I tell you, Milburn, those
Clampetts are dangerous.

If they'll attack me
with hot hog jowls,

think what they might do

to a woman like Priscilla
Rolfe Alden Smith-Standish.

And she's due to
arrive at any moment.

Oh, uh, she has
arrived, Mrs. Drysdale.

Your chauffer just phoned.

He dropped her
off at the Clampetts,

thinking you were there.

Oh, they have her!

She's been delivered into
the hands of those savages!

Well, get those
savages on the phone.

We'll prove to Margaret
that everything is all right.

This may be the
oldest piece of pewter

ever to be found
on this continent.

I'm just mortified,
Mrs. Smith-Standish.

I've been after cousin
Jed to get rid of all this junk.

Now that he has money,
I'm going to throw it all out.

No, no, please, it's priceless!

Say, Mrs. Smith-Standish,
if you like old things,

just wait'“ you
get into this trunk.

You'll be happy as
a heifer in red clover.

Oh, marvelous.

Unbelievable.

Is this your family Bible?

Well, no, not
anymore. It got too old.

Commenced to
crisping and flaking off,

so they pitched in
and got another one

about a hundred years ago.

It's in there, in the parlor.

I'll get it, Uncle Jed.

- Hello?
- "Dedicated to Queen Elizabeth."

- Yes, ma'am, this is Jethro.
- Mr. Clampett,

this is an original
Geneva Bible.

It's sometimes
called a Puritan Bible.

400 years old.

Oh, why, yes, ma'am, Miss
Hathaway, she's right here.

You're wanted on
the phone, ma'am.

Not now, tell
them I'm all tied up.

Hello?

Uh, she can't talk right now.

She's all tied up in
Uncle Jed's trunk.

Hello? Hello?

II

Oh... oh, oh...!

I thought the fresh
air would revive her.

Oh, Milburn, what if they've
strangled my president?

Or she suffocates in that trunk?

Mrs. Drysdale, I am
certain the Clampetts

would not do violent harm
to Mrs. Smith-Standish.

Jethro has a way of
confusing the facts.

I can't tell you
how thrilled I am

to participate in this
historical re-creation.

No, honey, this is
what you call spinnin'.

Now, hold your thread tight.

I will, I will.

Oh, my, oh, oh!

Untie this woman!

- Margaret!
- Madame President,

what have they done to you?

Milburn, call the police!

I want these ruffians seized
and hanged immediately!

What are you doing?

Rescuing you from the grimy
clutches of these peasants.

Peasants?

My dear Mrs. Drysdale, it
may interest you to know

that I have established
almost beyond a doubt

that Mr. Clampett here
is a direct descendant

of the first man to come
ashore at Jamestown, Virginia,

May 13th, sixteen
hundred and seven.

What?!

Uh, y-y-you mean...

I mean that when your family

and my family arrived
on the Mayflower,

his family was waiting for them.

Oh! Oh! Oh, oh...

Uh, Mrs. Smith-Standish,

surely there must be
some ghastly mistake.

Perhaps you're in a state
of shock from the way

these people mistreated you.

I've never been more
hospitably treated in my life.

I've dined on hog jowls,

sorghum, homemade
bread, fresh-churned butter,

served on pottery

that might have been
unearthed at Williamsburg.

And I've eaten
this delicious food

with ancient pewter implements
that would grace any museum.

That reminds me, I better
go wash them dishes.

Oh, Granny...

you know, I'm sure
that Mrs. Drysdale

would consider it an
honor and a pleasure

if you would permit her to
wash these historic dishes, hmm?

- What?
- Oh, she would indeed

consider it an honor,
wouldn't you, Margaret?

Well, uh, wh-whatever Madame
President says, of course.

Well, I better come along,
see if I got enough lye soap.

Lye soap, how ghastly.

Made it myself.

You make your own lye soap?

Got to.

You can't buy it
in Beverly Hills.

I offered to show Mrs.
Drysdale how to make it,

but she didn't care to learn.

Mrs. Drysdale, am I to
understand that you are ignorant

of the process by which

your own colonial
ancestors made their soap?

Well, Madame President, I...

Oh, your education has
been shamefully neglected.

It's about time to
add some more lye

and some possum
renderings, Mrs. Drysdale.

Oh, Mrs. Drysdale, I
hope you appreciate

the historical significance
of this opportunity.

You are reenacting
the making of soap,

just as it was done
more than 300 years ago.

Oh, yes, indeed,
Madame President.

I'm, I'm thrilled!

Oh!

She's so happy, she's crying!

I wouldn't have missed this

for a million
dollars, tax exempt.

Oh, Chief, the bank
examiners are waiting.

Yes, I know, I know.

Oh, Mrs. Smith-Standish,
don't forget

you promised to let my
wife wash dishes, too.

Oh, I wouldn't think of
depriving her of the thrill

of handling those authentic
colonial implements.

And in the good
old colonial way.

No automatic dishwasher.

Oh, heaven forbid.

Mrs. Smith-Standish,
I have known you

only a few brief minutes,

but already you are
one of my favorite people.

We shall return.

I've lost my coiffure,

my mascara, and my manicure.

Well, best forget
about 'em, honey.

If they fell in that soap,

they's dissolved by now.

II

How you doin', Mrs. Drysdale?

I can scare you up
a few more things

to wash, if it pleasures you.

Oh, no, please!

Look what this lye soap
has done to my hands.

Yeah, they is nice and
pink and rosy, ain't they.

Raw, raw, raw!

I don't blame you for cheerio'.

I thought you left.

I couldn't tear myself
away from the picture

of my wife washing dishes.

How about that.

She's taken to it like a
cold hog to warm mud.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.