The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 22 - Duke Steals a Wife - full transcript
Jed and Duke his dog are both down without a woman in their lives, until they see and pursue a French woman and her poodle that she brought to breed with Mrs. Drysdales dog. Meanwhile Mrs. Drysdale has arranged a "marriage" between the dogs, complete with a decorated bedroom.
♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
♪♪
That's pretty, Granny.
Gonna show me how to
play your lap organ someday?
Sure, honey.
Like my ma showed me,
and like her ma showed her,
and her ma before that.
Sure is old, ain't it?
Nigh on to 200 years.
Granny, reckon you can
whomp up a mess of spring tonic
for old Duke and me?
We is feelin' like the
hindquarters of bad luck.
I know what'll perk old Duke up.
Can I give it to him, Granny?
If he wants it.
'Course he wants
it, don't you, Duke?
Lookee here, Duke.
Look at this nice bone.
Pa, he must be sick.
Well, he ain't
exactly sick, Elly May,
we just both feeling
ornery, dragged out,
don't give two
shucks for nothin'.
Granny, reckon you could
brew up some of that tonic?
Sure.
I can brew up a
pot of Choctaw root.
Some cherry bark bitters,
some red clover
blossoms and sassafras.
Bu“ ain't gonna do it.
Why not?
'Cause that won't help
what's ailin' you and Duke.
What do you reckon we got?
Elly May, you go on outside.
I want to talk to your Pa.
Yes'm, Granny.
It ain't what you got.
It's what you ain't
got that's ailing you.
Well, what is it we ain't got?
I could tell you in three words:
Fe-male company.
Fe-male company...
Got a house full of
females: you, Elly May, Pearl.
I ain't talkin' about
female kinfolks.
Granny, is you
suggestin' that...
You want, you?
Granny, me and Duke is too old
for that courtin' and
sparkin' nonsense.
You ain't half too old.
And a fine figure of a man, too.
A heap lot better than them
slick-haired, shiny-shoed,
sweet-smellin' city dudes.
You're talkin' plumb silly.
You gonna make
that tonic, or ain't you?
I ain't.
Come on, Duke,
let's us go huntin'.
That'll get our
blood stirred up.
Depends on what you hunt.
How'd you like to tree a bobcat?
See?
Well, that's all right,
we get out in the woods,
get the smell of bobcat tracks,
reckon he'll get the idea.
Well, if you want to get
the idea, you go next door
to the Drysdales' and smell
some orange blossoms.
I think they're gettin'
ready for a weddin'.
Drysdales?
Hmm, wonder who's
getting hitched?
I don't know.
Must be some kin
of Mrs. Drysdale's.
She's been frolicatin' around
like a chicken in a corn crib.
Oh, happy day!
Greetings, all!
Mrs. Drysdale.
Margaret, I've asked you not to
barge in here while I'm working.
Oh, pish posh.
What's more important than
our darling getting married?
Sonny's getting married?
Oh, no, no, no, no, dear,
Claude is getting married.
Congratulations, Claude.
Margaret, dogs do not
get married, they mate.
Milburn, don't be crude.
I prefer to consider Claude
and his beautiful Parisian
bride as entering wedlock.
Parisian bride?
Darling, I told you last week I
was having a bride for Claude
flown in from Paris.
Really, Milburn,
you don't listen.
All you think about
is your silly old bank.
Forgive me, dear.
Congratulations, Claude.
Be careful, his nail
polish may not be dry.
He's just come from
the poodle parlor.
He had a clip, and a
manicure, and a dye job.
I thought he was
a different color.
Becoming, isn't it?
And so natural.
Only his hairdresser
knows for sure.
Oh, Miss Hathaway,
I need you today.
Oh, what for?
A bridesmaid?
Of course not, Milburn.
I'll need her as an interpreter.
You see, Mademoiselle
Denise speaks almost no English.
Very few poodles do.
Oh, really, Milburn.
You just don't pay attention.
Mademoiselle Denise is the
owner of Claude's bride-to-be.
She's flying her here
personally for the nuptials.
Well, let's all go home
and meet the bride.
Well, don't you
want to be there?
Oh, more than anything
else in the world, dear,
but I'd better stay
here and work.
After all, I have Claude's
wedding to pay for,
and soon there'll be
other little mouths to feed.
Oh, yes.
Isn't that a thrilling thought?
Milburn, people won't call
me a grandmother, will they?
Oh, of course not,
dear, of course not.
Come on, Claude.
They'll call you a nut.
Now, get outside, both of you.
House ain't no place
for cleaning guns.
I got everything spit: and span
and I'd like it to stay that way
for a while.
Well, now, listen, Pearl, wait
a minute, my hat's in there
and my box of cartridges.
Here's your hat.
There's your cartridges.
I swear to goodness, if she
ain't the cleaningest woman.
If she had her way, she would
have Slipcovers on the wall.
Don't you let her get
you down, now, Duke.
This city livin' is what's
got us feelin' bottom-heavy.
Wait'“ Jethro gets back.
We'll get him to drive
us way out in the woods.
The three of us will light
out through the tall timber.
We'll have us a high old time.
How does that sound to you?
Hmm?
Jethro had better
get here pretty quick.
Pardon, Monsieur,
est-ce que c'est la maison
de Madame Drysdale?
Excuse me, ma'am, but I didn't
quite get what you said there.
Is this the Drysdale home?
Oh, no, ma'am.
Drysdale place is
next one over yonder.
Yon-dare?
By them tall trees there.
Come this way and
I'll show it to you.
Now, beside twixt them
first and second trees there,
you catch a glimpse
of the Drysdale house.
See?
Ah, oui.
Now, you come a mite
further, you can see more of it.
Vous étes trés
aimable, Monsieur.
Je suis votre débiteur.
No offense, ma'am, but you're
kind of hard to understand.
Whereabouts are you from?
Je ne vous comprends pas.
Oh, well, bet you
it's a nice place.
Merci beaucoup.
Au revoir.
Yeah, well, thank you.
Same to you, and
many more of them.
Ah, she's a mighty
handsome-lookin' woman.
Smelled pretty, too,
didn't she, Duke?
Duke?
Where'd you go, Duke?
Granny?
Granny.
Granny!
Yeah, Pearl?
Do you know who's
got a secret sweetheart?
No, Pearl.
But hum it for me.
I'll pick it up.
No, it ain't a song, Granny.
It's Jed.
He's got a lady friend,
and she's purty, too.
Well, the old rooster
took my advice.
Hey, Granny, Aunt
Pearl, look at old Duke.
He's got a new friend.
Well, by dingies, they
both took my advice.
I reckon maybe I'll
take it next myself.
Pa, have you seen Duke's
new friend, Cotton Patch?
Well, no, I ain't.
Come on up here and
let's take a look at you.
Ain't she pretty?
I named her Cotton Patch
'cause her hair grows in clumps.
I reckon it was clipped
that way, Elly May,
but the fella that done it
must've had the clippers in
one hand and a jug in the other.
He missed the
biggest part of her.
Old Duke sure has
took a fancy to her.
He dug up four of his best
bones and give them to her.
She done a lot for Duke, too.
Before she come along,
Duke was feeling lower
than a snake's belly in a
wagon rut, but look at him now.
Yeah.
Oh, look at this here collar
that Cotton Patch was a-wearin'.
I was a-feared she'd catch it
in the bushes going after Duke,
so I took it off.
Hmm-mm.
Ain't that fancy.
Duke, are you sure
you ain't after that girl
just for her money?
You reckon them's diamonds, Pa?
Might could be.
Elly May, this dog
belongs to somebody.
Somebody that sets
great store by her, too.
Folks don't just...
Colette!
Colette.
Que! homme merveilleux!
Vous avez trouvé mon chien.
I reckon this must be the
party that owns Cotton Patch.
I'll put her in the
car for you, ma'am.
There you are, ma'am.
Granny, I tell you I
seen it with my own eyes.
Jed and this
handsome-lookin' city woman,
walkin' along, arm in arm,
just like they was
a pair of lovers.
Oh, that sly old Dickens!
Where was he?
Right out front there,
and in broad daylight.
Come on, I'll show you.
Right where they was.
She's back.
Pearl Bodine, shame on you.
You gonna spy on
your own cousin?
I sure am.
Me, too.
Oh, monsieur, je ne sais
pas comment vous remercier.
Mais peut-étre que
ce vous démontre
mes vrais sentiments.
Well, say, ma'am,
here's something I reckon
you'd like to have.
Oh, monsieur.
Je vous remercie encore
une fois, mine fois merci.
Merci, mon ami.
Did you see what he give her?
A diamond choker.
Yeah.
Must have cost
old Jed a fortune.
Jiggers, here he comes.
You're gonna have
this place a-shinin'.
Hey, Granny?
Yeah, Pearl?
If'n you had a beau
driving up in a fancy car
and a-huggin' and a-kissin' you,
wouldn't you want your
kinfolk to meet that beau?
I sure would, Pearl.
Especially if I was givin'
that beau expensive presents.
You mean like a diamond choker?
That's what I mean.
Uh-huh, you know,
I hear tell that French
women is real fond of jewelry.
If you two are trying
to make somethin'
out of what just
happened outside,
you can leave off
before you get started.
All I was doin' was
returning that lady's dog,
and that diamond choker
was the dog's collar.
Say, Granny?
Yeah, Pearl?
What do you reckon
that red stuff was
smeared on Jed's cheek?
I reckon he cut hisself
returnin' that dog.
Either that or his lady
friend scratched herself
on his whiskers
when she kissed him.
That must be real love, Pearl!
If you can kiss a man
with a crop of stubble
on his face like that!
You better believe it, Granny!
Here we are.
The bridal suite.
I do hope you like it.
Trés charmant.
I decorated it all myself.
I used as much French
silk as I could find.
The orange blossoms
are from our own trees.
And these are Claude's trophies.
Uh, ces son! '3 Claude.
Ah, hon.
Well, if everything is in order,
I'd like to have Claude come in.
He's never seen
the bridal suite.
Or his bride, of course.
It's bad luck.
La chambre, est-elle confonable?
Ah, bien stir.
Mademoiselle Denise is
delighted with the appointment.
Merveilleux.
I've arranged with the
butler to release Claude
as soon as he hears the music.
I'll start the record now.
This is such a beautiful moment.
I just know I'm going to cry.
Come, Claude!
You handsome groom.
Your lovely bride is waiting.
Mademoiselle?
It's that horrible
hillbilly beast!
Uncle Jed, I came
home quick as I could.
We goin' huntin' now?
Uh, you go, Jethro, I
don't feel much like huntin'.
That's why you said
you wanted to go.
You said you and old Duke
was feeling all
dragged-out and ornery,
and you wanted to go huntin'
to get your blood to stirrin',
that's what you said.
Well, I ain't sayin' it now.
Why don't you go
ahead without me?
But I don't need to go
huntin' to stir my blood,
it's already stirrin'.
Well, stir it some more.
How come you keep turnin'
away from me, Uncle Jed?
You done shaved!
Hey, Ma, Granny, Elly May!
Come see, Uncle Jed
shaved in the middle of the day!
Jethro, hush.
Ain't you never seen a
man with a shave before?
Not you.
Not unless there's a
weddin' or a funeral to go to.
Lookee yonder at Uncle Jed.
Great clouds of buggy dust!
He done mowed off his stubble.
He trimmed his mustache.
In the middle of the day.
Tarnation!
Look at his hair.
Oh, you're pretty!
Ain't it stylish?
It's got smellum on it.
Things have come
to a sorry state
when a man can't shave his face
and comb his hair
without his family cacklin'
like a bunch of
chickens at a new worm.
Why, Cousin Jed, that ain't a
nice thing to call your sweetie.
Uncle Jed got a sweetie?
City woman.
Talks foreign.
Drives a sporty car.
Dresses to the teeth.
Wears jewelry.
Given to her by
your Uncle Romeo.
I mean Jed.
Hot diggity!
Pa, am I gonna have a new Ma?
No, you ain't!
I ain't gonna listen to
more of this nonsense talk.
Howdy, ladies.
Mademoiselle Denise,
Monsieur Clampett.
Nous nous connaissons.
Oh, you two have met.
Yes, ma'am.
Mais Monsieur Clampett a changé.
She says you look different.
Oh, shucks, just 'cause
I mowed off my whiskers
and combed my hair.
Very becoming.
Oh, will you keep Duke here?
He's upsetting the wedding
ceremony at the Drysdales'.
It ain't her that's
getting married, is it?
Oh, no indeed.
Monsieur...
We have to hurry.
Now, you will keep Duke here.
Yes, ma'am.
Monsieur Clampett
gardera le chien ici.
Ah!
Vous étes toujours si aimable.
Et obligeant.
II
Mademoiselle Denise is
calming the bride's nerves.
They'll be right in.
Good, good.
This delay is so
difficult for Claude.
I hope he doesn't get
one of his migraines.
Why all the perfume?
I want to eradicate
every vestige
of that horrid beast
from next door.
Claude must never know.
What in the name
of F.H.A. is this?
Milburn, you've come
for the ceremony.
No, I've come for my secretary.
Margaret, this
used to be my den.
And there's where my TV set was.
And now it's a love nest for
Claude and his beautiful bride.
Milburn, doesn't it thrill you?
I can hardly stand it.
Oh'.!
This is Mademoiselle
Denise, and this is...
Yes, yes, we've met.
Come on, Miss Hathaway,
let's get back to the bank.
Oh, no, no, dear, Claude is
about to meet his new bride.
Would you like to give her away?
Can I give them both away?
Oh, my dear boy.
Darling, you bring Claude in.
He'll feel more secure with
his Daddums at his side.
Qu'est-ce que c'est que ya?
Oh, oh, the dog next...
Le chien de nos voisins, Duke.
I'll close the window so that...
Oh! Here's the handsome groom.
This is a magic moment.
Colette, Colette!
Oh, what a cruel blow!
Quick, Milburn,
call the psychiatrist.
Yours or his?
Uncle Jed!
Uncle Jed, is we goin' huntin'
or are you goin' courtin'?
What you talkin' about,
I ain't goin' courtin'.
Then we's goin' huntin'.
I told you I didn't
want to go hunting.
Now you go yourself
and take Duke with you.
Duke don't want to go hunting.
Well, he's outside
right now, friskin' around
with that there white dog that
Elly May calls Cotton Patch.
Is she back?
She sure is.
Old Duke's happier
than a cat at a fish fry.
He's runnin' and jumpin'
and just playin' around, and...
What are you holdin'
under the table, Uncle Jed?
None of your
business, now get out!
Why, you're
polishin' your shoes!
Hey, Ma, Granny, Elly May!
Uncle Jed's polishin' his
shoes and it ain't even Sunday!
Jethro, you do make more
racket than a jackass in a tin barn.
Well, this is the nosiest family
a man was ever burdened with.
Well, look at them
shoes, all fresh oiled.
Fancy new laces, too.
And them's his best socks.
And it ain't even Sunday.
Son, every day's Sunday
when you're in love.
Now that takes the
rag off'n the bush.
I ain't in love, and I
just oiled my shoes
'cause they was squeakin'.
They been squeakin' for
15 years, as I remember.
You ain't never oiled 'em.
Young'uns, you go
on and get outside.
Granny and me's got
some grown-up things to say.
I ain't gonna listen
to no more foolish...
Now, Jed, you hadn't ought
to fight against romance.
You're still young
and good-lookin'.
And you're rich, too.
Yeah, and with that you don't
need young and good-lookin'.
That reminds me, I dug somethin'
out of the mothballs for you.
They're your tie and
your derby that you wore
when you came
a-courtin' Rose Ellen.
All duded up and steppin'
out like a chicken in high oats.
I got somethin'
for you too, Jed.
I boiled and starched
your fancy courtin' shirt.
I'm gonna put this stuff
back where it belongs,
and I don't want to hear no
more words about romance.
Where you goin'?
I'm goin' out and dig myself
a root cellar and crawl in
and lock it so I can get
a little peace and quiet.
What'd you say, Mrs. Drysdale?
I said Claude's honor
has been besmirched.
And I demand satisfaction.
Poor Claude is
in a state of shock.
Now, I demand that Claude's
bride be returned immediately.
Yes, ma'am.
Ellie will bring her right over.
Phew!
Elly, you better get that
poodle over there fast.
I sure will.
Hold on, Elly May.
I'm gonna take that dog
back to the Drysdales
and Duke, you're comin' along.
- What?!
It seems to me that critters
ought to have the same right
as people to pick
their own company.
So we're goin' over there,
and Cotton Patch,
you can make up your
mind who you want to court.
Just like I made up mine.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say goodbye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Sit a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways presentation.
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
♪♪
That's pretty, Granny.
Gonna show me how to
play your lap organ someday?
Sure, honey.
Like my ma showed me,
and like her ma showed her,
and her ma before that.
Sure is old, ain't it?
Nigh on to 200 years.
Granny, reckon you can
whomp up a mess of spring tonic
for old Duke and me?
We is feelin' like the
hindquarters of bad luck.
I know what'll perk old Duke up.
Can I give it to him, Granny?
If he wants it.
'Course he wants
it, don't you, Duke?
Lookee here, Duke.
Look at this nice bone.
Pa, he must be sick.
Well, he ain't
exactly sick, Elly May,
we just both feeling
ornery, dragged out,
don't give two
shucks for nothin'.
Granny, reckon you could
brew up some of that tonic?
Sure.
I can brew up a
pot of Choctaw root.
Some cherry bark bitters,
some red clover
blossoms and sassafras.
Bu“ ain't gonna do it.
Why not?
'Cause that won't help
what's ailin' you and Duke.
What do you reckon we got?
Elly May, you go on outside.
I want to talk to your Pa.
Yes'm, Granny.
It ain't what you got.
It's what you ain't
got that's ailing you.
Well, what is it we ain't got?
I could tell you in three words:
Fe-male company.
Fe-male company...
Got a house full of
females: you, Elly May, Pearl.
I ain't talkin' about
female kinfolks.
Granny, is you
suggestin' that...
You want, you?
Granny, me and Duke is too old
for that courtin' and
sparkin' nonsense.
You ain't half too old.
And a fine figure of a man, too.
A heap lot better than them
slick-haired, shiny-shoed,
sweet-smellin' city dudes.
You're talkin' plumb silly.
You gonna make
that tonic, or ain't you?
I ain't.
Come on, Duke,
let's us go huntin'.
That'll get our
blood stirred up.
Depends on what you hunt.
How'd you like to tree a bobcat?
See?
Well, that's all right,
we get out in the woods,
get the smell of bobcat tracks,
reckon he'll get the idea.
Well, if you want to get
the idea, you go next door
to the Drysdales' and smell
some orange blossoms.
I think they're gettin'
ready for a weddin'.
Drysdales?
Hmm, wonder who's
getting hitched?
I don't know.
Must be some kin
of Mrs. Drysdale's.
She's been frolicatin' around
like a chicken in a corn crib.
Oh, happy day!
Greetings, all!
Mrs. Drysdale.
Margaret, I've asked you not to
barge in here while I'm working.
Oh, pish posh.
What's more important than
our darling getting married?
Sonny's getting married?
Oh, no, no, no, no, dear,
Claude is getting married.
Congratulations, Claude.
Margaret, dogs do not
get married, they mate.
Milburn, don't be crude.
I prefer to consider Claude
and his beautiful Parisian
bride as entering wedlock.
Parisian bride?
Darling, I told you last week I
was having a bride for Claude
flown in from Paris.
Really, Milburn,
you don't listen.
All you think about
is your silly old bank.
Forgive me, dear.
Congratulations, Claude.
Be careful, his nail
polish may not be dry.
He's just come from
the poodle parlor.
He had a clip, and a
manicure, and a dye job.
I thought he was
a different color.
Becoming, isn't it?
And so natural.
Only his hairdresser
knows for sure.
Oh, Miss Hathaway,
I need you today.
Oh, what for?
A bridesmaid?
Of course not, Milburn.
I'll need her as an interpreter.
You see, Mademoiselle
Denise speaks almost no English.
Very few poodles do.
Oh, really, Milburn.
You just don't pay attention.
Mademoiselle Denise is the
owner of Claude's bride-to-be.
She's flying her here
personally for the nuptials.
Well, let's all go home
and meet the bride.
Well, don't you
want to be there?
Oh, more than anything
else in the world, dear,
but I'd better stay
here and work.
After all, I have Claude's
wedding to pay for,
and soon there'll be
other little mouths to feed.
Oh, yes.
Isn't that a thrilling thought?
Milburn, people won't call
me a grandmother, will they?
Oh, of course not,
dear, of course not.
Come on, Claude.
They'll call you a nut.
Now, get outside, both of you.
House ain't no place
for cleaning guns.
I got everything spit: and span
and I'd like it to stay that way
for a while.
Well, now, listen, Pearl, wait
a minute, my hat's in there
and my box of cartridges.
Here's your hat.
There's your cartridges.
I swear to goodness, if she
ain't the cleaningest woman.
If she had her way, she would
have Slipcovers on the wall.
Don't you let her get
you down, now, Duke.
This city livin' is what's
got us feelin' bottom-heavy.
Wait'“ Jethro gets back.
We'll get him to drive
us way out in the woods.
The three of us will light
out through the tall timber.
We'll have us a high old time.
How does that sound to you?
Hmm?
Jethro had better
get here pretty quick.
Pardon, Monsieur,
est-ce que c'est la maison
de Madame Drysdale?
Excuse me, ma'am, but I didn't
quite get what you said there.
Is this the Drysdale home?
Oh, no, ma'am.
Drysdale place is
next one over yonder.
Yon-dare?
By them tall trees there.
Come this way and
I'll show it to you.
Now, beside twixt them
first and second trees there,
you catch a glimpse
of the Drysdale house.
See?
Ah, oui.
Now, you come a mite
further, you can see more of it.
Vous étes trés
aimable, Monsieur.
Je suis votre débiteur.
No offense, ma'am, but you're
kind of hard to understand.
Whereabouts are you from?
Je ne vous comprends pas.
Oh, well, bet you
it's a nice place.
Merci beaucoup.
Au revoir.
Yeah, well, thank you.
Same to you, and
many more of them.
Ah, she's a mighty
handsome-lookin' woman.
Smelled pretty, too,
didn't she, Duke?
Duke?
Where'd you go, Duke?
Granny?
Granny.
Granny!
Yeah, Pearl?
Do you know who's
got a secret sweetheart?
No, Pearl.
But hum it for me.
I'll pick it up.
No, it ain't a song, Granny.
It's Jed.
He's got a lady friend,
and she's purty, too.
Well, the old rooster
took my advice.
Hey, Granny, Aunt
Pearl, look at old Duke.
He's got a new friend.
Well, by dingies, they
both took my advice.
I reckon maybe I'll
take it next myself.
Pa, have you seen Duke's
new friend, Cotton Patch?
Well, no, I ain't.
Come on up here and
let's take a look at you.
Ain't she pretty?
I named her Cotton Patch
'cause her hair grows in clumps.
I reckon it was clipped
that way, Elly May,
but the fella that done it
must've had the clippers in
one hand and a jug in the other.
He missed the
biggest part of her.
Old Duke sure has
took a fancy to her.
He dug up four of his best
bones and give them to her.
She done a lot for Duke, too.
Before she come along,
Duke was feeling lower
than a snake's belly in a
wagon rut, but look at him now.
Yeah.
Oh, look at this here collar
that Cotton Patch was a-wearin'.
I was a-feared she'd catch it
in the bushes going after Duke,
so I took it off.
Hmm-mm.
Ain't that fancy.
Duke, are you sure
you ain't after that girl
just for her money?
You reckon them's diamonds, Pa?
Might could be.
Elly May, this dog
belongs to somebody.
Somebody that sets
great store by her, too.
Folks don't just...
Colette!
Colette.
Que! homme merveilleux!
Vous avez trouvé mon chien.
I reckon this must be the
party that owns Cotton Patch.
I'll put her in the
car for you, ma'am.
There you are, ma'am.
Granny, I tell you I
seen it with my own eyes.
Jed and this
handsome-lookin' city woman,
walkin' along, arm in arm,
just like they was
a pair of lovers.
Oh, that sly old Dickens!
Where was he?
Right out front there,
and in broad daylight.
Come on, I'll show you.
Right where they was.
She's back.
Pearl Bodine, shame on you.
You gonna spy on
your own cousin?
I sure am.
Me, too.
Oh, monsieur, je ne sais
pas comment vous remercier.
Mais peut-étre que
ce vous démontre
mes vrais sentiments.
Well, say, ma'am,
here's something I reckon
you'd like to have.
Oh, monsieur.
Je vous remercie encore
une fois, mine fois merci.
Merci, mon ami.
Did you see what he give her?
A diamond choker.
Yeah.
Must have cost
old Jed a fortune.
Jiggers, here he comes.
You're gonna have
this place a-shinin'.
Hey, Granny?
Yeah, Pearl?
If'n you had a beau
driving up in a fancy car
and a-huggin' and a-kissin' you,
wouldn't you want your
kinfolk to meet that beau?
I sure would, Pearl.
Especially if I was givin'
that beau expensive presents.
You mean like a diamond choker?
That's what I mean.
Uh-huh, you know,
I hear tell that French
women is real fond of jewelry.
If you two are trying
to make somethin'
out of what just
happened outside,
you can leave off
before you get started.
All I was doin' was
returning that lady's dog,
and that diamond choker
was the dog's collar.
Say, Granny?
Yeah, Pearl?
What do you reckon
that red stuff was
smeared on Jed's cheek?
I reckon he cut hisself
returnin' that dog.
Either that or his lady
friend scratched herself
on his whiskers
when she kissed him.
That must be real love, Pearl!
If you can kiss a man
with a crop of stubble
on his face like that!
You better believe it, Granny!
Here we are.
The bridal suite.
I do hope you like it.
Trés charmant.
I decorated it all myself.
I used as much French
silk as I could find.
The orange blossoms
are from our own trees.
And these are Claude's trophies.
Uh, ces son! '3 Claude.
Ah, hon.
Well, if everything is in order,
I'd like to have Claude come in.
He's never seen
the bridal suite.
Or his bride, of course.
It's bad luck.
La chambre, est-elle confonable?
Ah, bien stir.
Mademoiselle Denise is
delighted with the appointment.
Merveilleux.
I've arranged with the
butler to release Claude
as soon as he hears the music.
I'll start the record now.
This is such a beautiful moment.
I just know I'm going to cry.
Come, Claude!
You handsome groom.
Your lovely bride is waiting.
Mademoiselle?
It's that horrible
hillbilly beast!
Uncle Jed, I came
home quick as I could.
We goin' huntin' now?
Uh, you go, Jethro, I
don't feel much like huntin'.
That's why you said
you wanted to go.
You said you and old Duke
was feeling all
dragged-out and ornery,
and you wanted to go huntin'
to get your blood to stirrin',
that's what you said.
Well, I ain't sayin' it now.
Why don't you go
ahead without me?
But I don't need to go
huntin' to stir my blood,
it's already stirrin'.
Well, stir it some more.
How come you keep turnin'
away from me, Uncle Jed?
You done shaved!
Hey, Ma, Granny, Elly May!
Come see, Uncle Jed
shaved in the middle of the day!
Jethro, hush.
Ain't you never seen a
man with a shave before?
Not you.
Not unless there's a
weddin' or a funeral to go to.
Lookee yonder at Uncle Jed.
Great clouds of buggy dust!
He done mowed off his stubble.
He trimmed his mustache.
In the middle of the day.
Tarnation!
Look at his hair.
Oh, you're pretty!
Ain't it stylish?
It's got smellum on it.
Things have come
to a sorry state
when a man can't shave his face
and comb his hair
without his family cacklin'
like a bunch of
chickens at a new worm.
Why, Cousin Jed, that ain't a
nice thing to call your sweetie.
Uncle Jed got a sweetie?
City woman.
Talks foreign.
Drives a sporty car.
Dresses to the teeth.
Wears jewelry.
Given to her by
your Uncle Romeo.
I mean Jed.
Hot diggity!
Pa, am I gonna have a new Ma?
No, you ain't!
I ain't gonna listen to
more of this nonsense talk.
Howdy, ladies.
Mademoiselle Denise,
Monsieur Clampett.
Nous nous connaissons.
Oh, you two have met.
Yes, ma'am.
Mais Monsieur Clampett a changé.
She says you look different.
Oh, shucks, just 'cause
I mowed off my whiskers
and combed my hair.
Very becoming.
Oh, will you keep Duke here?
He's upsetting the wedding
ceremony at the Drysdales'.
It ain't her that's
getting married, is it?
Oh, no indeed.
Monsieur...
We have to hurry.
Now, you will keep Duke here.
Yes, ma'am.
Monsieur Clampett
gardera le chien ici.
Ah!
Vous étes toujours si aimable.
Et obligeant.
II
Mademoiselle Denise is
calming the bride's nerves.
They'll be right in.
Good, good.
This delay is so
difficult for Claude.
I hope he doesn't get
one of his migraines.
Why all the perfume?
I want to eradicate
every vestige
of that horrid beast
from next door.
Claude must never know.
What in the name
of F.H.A. is this?
Milburn, you've come
for the ceremony.
No, I've come for my secretary.
Margaret, this
used to be my den.
And there's where my TV set was.
And now it's a love nest for
Claude and his beautiful bride.
Milburn, doesn't it thrill you?
I can hardly stand it.
Oh'.!
This is Mademoiselle
Denise, and this is...
Yes, yes, we've met.
Come on, Miss Hathaway,
let's get back to the bank.
Oh, no, no, dear, Claude is
about to meet his new bride.
Would you like to give her away?
Can I give them both away?
Oh, my dear boy.
Darling, you bring Claude in.
He'll feel more secure with
his Daddums at his side.
Qu'est-ce que c'est que ya?
Oh, oh, the dog next...
Le chien de nos voisins, Duke.
I'll close the window so that...
Oh! Here's the handsome groom.
This is a magic moment.
Colette, Colette!
Oh, what a cruel blow!
Quick, Milburn,
call the psychiatrist.
Yours or his?
Uncle Jed!
Uncle Jed, is we goin' huntin'
or are you goin' courtin'?
What you talkin' about,
I ain't goin' courtin'.
Then we's goin' huntin'.
I told you I didn't
want to go hunting.
Now you go yourself
and take Duke with you.
Duke don't want to go hunting.
Well, he's outside
right now, friskin' around
with that there white dog that
Elly May calls Cotton Patch.
Is she back?
She sure is.
Old Duke's happier
than a cat at a fish fry.
He's runnin' and jumpin'
and just playin' around, and...
What are you holdin'
under the table, Uncle Jed?
None of your
business, now get out!
Why, you're
polishin' your shoes!
Hey, Ma, Granny, Elly May!
Uncle Jed's polishin' his
shoes and it ain't even Sunday!
Jethro, you do make more
racket than a jackass in a tin barn.
Well, this is the nosiest family
a man was ever burdened with.
Well, look at them
shoes, all fresh oiled.
Fancy new laces, too.
And them's his best socks.
And it ain't even Sunday.
Son, every day's Sunday
when you're in love.
Now that takes the
rag off'n the bush.
I ain't in love, and I
just oiled my shoes
'cause they was squeakin'.
They been squeakin' for
15 years, as I remember.
You ain't never oiled 'em.
Young'uns, you go
on and get outside.
Granny and me's got
some grown-up things to say.
I ain't gonna listen
to no more foolish...
Now, Jed, you hadn't ought
to fight against romance.
You're still young
and good-lookin'.
And you're rich, too.
Yeah, and with that you don't
need young and good-lookin'.
That reminds me, I dug somethin'
out of the mothballs for you.
They're your tie and
your derby that you wore
when you came
a-courtin' Rose Ellen.
All duded up and steppin'
out like a chicken in high oats.
I got somethin'
for you too, Jed.
I boiled and starched
your fancy courtin' shirt.
I'm gonna put this stuff
back where it belongs,
and I don't want to hear no
more words about romance.
Where you goin'?
I'm goin' out and dig myself
a root cellar and crawl in
and lock it so I can get
a little peace and quiet.
What'd you say, Mrs. Drysdale?
I said Claude's honor
has been besmirched.
And I demand satisfaction.
Poor Claude is
in a state of shock.
Now, I demand that Claude's
bride be returned immediately.
Yes, ma'am.
Ellie will bring her right over.
Phew!
Elly, you better get that
poodle over there fast.
I sure will.
Hold on, Elly May.
I'm gonna take that dog
back to the Drysdales
and Duke, you're comin' along.
- What?!
It seems to me that critters
ought to have the same right
as people to pick
their own company.
So we're goin' over there,
and Cotton Patch,
you can make up your
mind who you want to court.
Just like I made up mine.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say goodbye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Sit a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways presentation.