The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 23 - Jed Buys the Freeway - full transcript

Henry Jones shows up at the Clampett's, pretends to be an old friend and tries to sell the family the Hollywood Bowl, Griffith Park, and the freeway.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪

♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

You're Jed Clampett.

I'd know you anywhere.

Jed Clampett,

just like Mother described you.

Your Ma knows me?

Well, we lived just
beyond the ridge

from you back home.

Well, it's mighty nice
to have somebody

from back home drop in on us.

And it's mighty
nice to feel the firm,

friendly grip of a real
mountain man again.

Come in, come in.

Don't believe I
caught your name.

Uh, Jones.

Harry Jones.

There's an article
here concerning

a confidence man known
to be operating in this area.

So?

His MO... That is
police vernacular

for "modus operandi",
which in turn is Latin...

I know what modus
operandi means.

I watched Dragnet
for seven years.

Sorry, Chief.

To continue, his M0 is
to prey upon rural types,

especially those who
have come into money,

like the Clampetts.

- He's particularly...
- Let's see that.

"Harry Jones,

"alias Herby Jones,
alias Herby Brown,

alias Herby Brower."

Came out to California
and struck it rich,

acquired a lot of property.

But now my heart says,

"Herby, boy, go back to
the land of your childhood."

I thought you said
your name was Harry.

Oh, it is.

Uh, Herby's my second name,

the one Mother
always used to favor.

Actually, when I think of that,
I think of home and Mother.

Your ma's passed on, has she?

Oh, well, no, she's
very, very sick.

That's why I have to dispose
of all my vast California holdings

and hurry to her side.

Now, uh, Mr. Clampett.

How would you like to
buy the Hollywood Bowl?

- Excuse me.
- Uh,

where you going?

I got to go out
and fetch Granny.

She's uh, she takes
care of buying everything

for the kitchen like pots
and pans and bowls.

No, no, no, no, Mr. Clampett,
it's not that kind of a bowl.

The Hollywood Bowl is a vast,

open-air amphitheater
seats 20,000 people.

What in the Sam Hill would
I want with a place like that?

Well, do you know how much money

the Hollywood Bowl
took in last year?

Can't say as I do.

Four million dollars.

Is that a fact?

That's right.

Four million dollars.

Yes, sirree, Bob.

What the Sam Hill would I
want with a place like that?

You, uh, you mean four million
dollars doesn't interest you?

Not especially.

I already got more
than I need now.

Well, congratulations.

You just passed the test.

What test?

I just wanted to see if
you were still that sweet,

honest, un-greedy man

that my dear mother
told me about.

Get Jed Clampett on the phone.

As the bulletin says,

he is particularly clever
at selling public parks

and monuments
to these rural types.

He convinces them that
he's one of their own kind.

Sorry, Chief, the line's busy.

Tell me, Mr. Clampett,

what do you like to do?

What I mean is, what
are you favorite pastimes?

Well, I reckon,
huntin', fishin', whittlin'.

Well, then the Hollywood
Bowl is exactly what you need.

I don't quite follow
what you mean.

Well, let's take
whittling, for instance.

You know there are 20,000
wooden benches in that place?

And if you get
tired of whittling,

you just turn on the water,

fill her up, throw
in a few trout,

and you got the best doggone
fishing hole you ever saw.

- What about huntin'?
- Huntin'?!

Why, in those hills
surrounding the Hollywood Bowl,

especially on Mulholland Drive,

you'll find more wolves up there

than you'll find in any
place in this here country.

What do you know about that?

Jed? Where are ya?

We're in here, Granny.

Jed, can you get
the top off of this...

Oh, I didn't know
we had company.

Mr. Jones, this here is, uh...

Of course.

Granny, I'd know
that face anywhere.

Mr. Jones is from back
home in our part of the country.

His family used to live
beyond the ridge from us.

Jones?

Jones.

I recollect a family of Joneses

that lived beyond the ridge.

That must've been...

They was horse thieves.

A different Jones.

Yeah, I reckon so.

Yes, I remember Mother
always used to say,

"We must be twice as good

to make up for the bad Joneses."

Mr. Jones here is
wanting me to buy

the Hollywood Bowl off'n him.

Hollywood Bowl?

Hollywood Bowl?!

And this must be the young
lady I've heard so much about.

The lovely Elly May.

Me?

Why, the stories I've
heard about you, my dear,

don't do you justice.

You have a,

a much more mature
beauty than I expected.

Me?

Why, you won't stay unmarried
long in Beverly Hills, my dear.

I'm surprised some
handsome young movie star

hasn't already claimed
you for his very own.

Me?

Mr. Jones, she ain't...

I'm gonna tell him, Granny.

Just let me take my time.

Mr. Jones, uh, this here
is my cousin, Pearl Bodine.

I'm charmed to make
your acquaintance,

my dear, Miss Bodine.

It's Mrs.

But I'm a widow.

Pearl, you seem to know
about Hollywood Bowl.

Oh, yeah, Jed, I heard about it.

It's where they have all that
open-air music and singing.

Pearl here is right gifted
at singin' and playin'

and yodelin'.

Oh, Jed, I ain't neither.

You are so.

- No, I ain't.
- Why you sure are.

I ain't.

Let her win, Jed.

For once she's right.

Uh, Mr. Clampett, if I may,

as owner of Hollywood Bowl,

I've become an expert
judge of musical talent.

And I wonder if I might
hear Mrs. Bodine perform.

Well, I could, I
could yodel for you.

Cut loose, Pearl.

Yeah, there's no
question about it.

That voice belongs
in the open air...

uh, theater,

where 20,000 people
can listen and enjoy it.

20,000 people would
pay to hear me?

Why, my dear, they
would fight for the privilege.

How much you reckon they'd pay?

Oh, I'd say the
rock-bottom price

is at least five dollars a head.

20,000 at five dollars a head?

That's 100,000
for only one night.

Jed, did you hear that?

I sure did, Pearl.

Mr. Jones, looks like
you got yourself a deal.

Your troubles is over.

You mean it?

Yes, sir.

With a money-maker like
Pearl singin' and yodelin' for you,

you won't have to sell
your Hollywood Bowl.

Ah, won't I...

Oh.

Here you are, Mr. Jones.

Ah, thank you, my dear.

Hello?

This is H-h-h-h...

Did Mr. Jones
call his lawyer yet?

He's trying to get him now.

Seems to have a
little catch in his throat.

Aunt Pearl told us
the news, Granny.

Ma's gonna sing in
Hollywood Bowl, huh?

It ain't set for sure until
he talks to his lawyer.

Uh, but you've got to find a
way to get out of those contracts.

This woman is a
tremendous talent.

Why, she's the greatest
yodeler since-since Caruso.

By George, I'm glad I'm
sellin' the Hollywood Bowl.

When a woman with the talent

of Pearl Bodine can't
play in my theater,

then I'm through, you hear me?

Through!

I ain't gonna sing in
Hollywood Bowl, Mr. Jones?

We're booked solid, my dear,

and I just got to
honor those contracts.

But if someone else was
to buy the Hollywood Bowl,

he could make new deals.

He could put in
anybody he wants.

Jed, it wouldn't do no harm

to go look at the
place, would it?

Oh, I don't reckon
there'd be no harm in that.

Fine, I'll have my
car sent around.

No need to do that,

Jethro can drive us all up.

You got a car
that'll hold all of us?

Sure. Bring it around, Jethro.

Well then, by George, let's go.

You know, Mr. Clampett,

there aren't too many
millionaires who drive

around in cars like this.

Well, actually, my cousin
Pearl deserves the credit.

This is her'n.

Shucks, this old thing.

I've been after my cousin
Jed to get himself a fancy,

shiny new limousine.

Yeah, boy, I sure would like

to drive around in
one of them rascals.

Well, once your, once your ma

is performing in your
uncle's Hollywood Bowl,

she'll be able to buy you
a new car every week.

Hot diggety dog!

Mr. Jones says when I commence
to singin' and a-yodelin' there,

why, 20,000 people

will be pushing and
crawling at the gates.

Yeah, trying to get out.

What'd she say?

Oh, she said they...

Mr. Jones, what's that up there?

Well, that's the entrance
to Hollywood Bowl.

Just kind of make
a left there, boy.

Well, let's see.

Uh, right is the side
where I carry my buckeyes,

so left is...

Turn it, boy, turn it!

I'm going to throw in
all of these buildings

as part of the deal.

Won't cost you a cent.

Now, you'll notice the
trees are all in A1 condition.

Solid wood, every one of them,

and loaded with sap, too.

This here's the famous
traveling sidewalk.

Takes you right up the hill
with no effort on your part.

Just stand still and ride.

Gives you a beautiful
view of Hollywood Bowl.

Now, isn't this wonderful?

Saves wear and tear
on the shoe leather.

And it's just one
of the features

of this wonderful investment
you're making, Mr. Clampett.

Come right along
with old, honest Harry.

Well, what do you
think of that, Granny?

Just like city folks, to
darn lazy to even walk.

Say, incidentally, if you
folks buy this here Bowl,

I'm going to throw in
that traveling sidewalk

absolutely free of charge.

Ain't he a nice man?

Well, Mr. Jones,
you sure have took

nice care of this place.

Well, thank you, Mr. Clampett.

Something my mother taught me:

Never sell anything
that isn't perfect, son.

Especially if you
sell it to a friend.

Where's all them seats
you was talkin' about?

Oh, they is over here.

But I think the best way to
see them is from the stage.

Why don't you
all just follow me?

Well, there are
your 20,000 seats?

Land to mercy!

What do you think
of that, Granny?

Sure would hate to
whitewash all them benches.

Aunt Pearl, this would sure
be a dandy place for yodeling.

Never seen nothing better.

Jethro, you run up to them
top seats way up yonder,

and see can you hear
me when I cut loose.

Okay, Ma.

Now, he ain't going to
jump off that stage here,

there's a ten foot
drop and then water.

Honest to Pete, Jethro.

Hey, Ma, when you
sing and yodel here,

be careful about stepping
off this here ledge.

There's an awful deep
puddle down there.

Oh, Jethro, why can't you
watch where you're going?

Is he going to be all right?

Yeah, that won't
hurt Jethro none.

His clothes'll
tighten up a little,

but he'll dry out in no time.

Well, Mr. Clampett,
how do you like our bowl?

Right nice, Mr. Jones.

Uh, by the way, I think
it's time we dropped

all these formalities.

From here on in, why
don't we just make it

Jed and Henry.

Thought you said
your name was Harry.

Harry Herbert.

Uh, it is.

Harry Herbert Henry.

H.H.H. Jones.

My mother used to say,

"Those three H's stand for
Honesty, Humility, and Honor."

Uh, why don't you just call
me what everybody else does:

Honest Hank.

That's a mighty dandy name,

all right, one you
can be proud of.

Well, like I was
starting to say,

this is a mighty fine place
here for whittlin' and yodelin',

but I don't think it's
any great shakes

for hunting and fishing
like you said it was.

You know something,
Jed, you're absolutely right.

Just goes to prove how long
I've been away from the hills.

Bu“ got another
piece of property,

not too far from here.

It's the greatest spot
for hunting you ever saw.

Full of animals.

And I'm going to sell
it to you dirt cheap.

It's called Griffith Park.

Griffith Park.

Yeah, named after
my dear old mother.

That's a mighty pretty
name for a woman,

Griffith Park.

Unusual.

Uh, Jed, why don't we
take a run over there

and have a look around?

That sounds like
a mighty fine idea.

Granny, Elly May, Pearl,

we's all going over
to look at a piece

of hunting property
Mr. Jones has got.

Hank.

Honest Hank.

Aunt Pearl looks like
somebody's throwed a spell on her.

Yeah, she acts like

she's in some kind of
a trance or something.

Pearl? Pearl?

Aunt Pearl?

- Pearl?
- Pearl!

Pearl! Pearl?

- Pearl?
- Aunt Pearl?

Pearl! Pearl!

Pearl!

Pearl! Pearl!

Pearl!

Pearl?

Huh? What? Oh.

I was...

I was daydreaming.

We's all going over to look

at another place
called Griffith Park.

Does that mean you've
decided against this one?

No, I ain't decided
nothing yet, Pearl.

Come on, everybody, let's go.

II

Now, watch out, Jethro.

There's a lot of
cars on this road.

There is more automobiles

than I've ever see
in all my born days.

Goin' so fast.

Sure is good they
going the same way.

Yes, ma'am, 'cause
if one of them rascals

decides to turn
around and head back,

there's gonna be an awful mess.

No need to worry
about that, boy.

The cars going the other way
are using that road over there.

Where's all these folks
going in such a hurry?

Well, the ones using this
road are going to Los Angeles.

And the ones on that
other road are coming back.

Ah, if they'd just
slow down a might,

the ones coming back could
shout over to the ones going

what they seen, and
then maybe some of them

wouldn't have to go.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a
good thought, Jed.

Uh, say, Elly May,

uh, your daddy tells
me you like animals.

Sure do, Mr. Jones.

I ain't never met one yet I
couldn't make friends with.

She's got a way with
critters that is plumb amazing.

I like that.

I like that a lot.

You know, I'll tell you
folks what I'm gonna do.

Elly May, if your papa
buys Griffith Park,

I'm gonna throw in... At
no extra cost, mind you...

My entire collection
of fabulous animals

from all over the world.

I call it the Griffith Park Zoo.

Hear that, Pa?

Mighty big-hearted of Mr. Jones.

Uh, Hank, Honest Hank.

Ain't this beautiful?

Just like back home.

Ain't smelled piney woods
like that since we left home.

Uncle Jed, you
just got to buy this.

We can build us a cabin in
here and come huntin' all the time.

Ain't gonna shoot at
my critters, are you?

When you go huntin', Elly,

you gotta have
something to shoot at.

You leave my critters be.

Elly, I can't breathe!

Elly May, turn him loose!

Oh, it hurts any
one of my critters,

I'll hit him on the jaw so hard

he'll be able to
look down his back

and without even
turning his head.

Now, Elly May, ain't
nobody gonna do nothing

to nobody or their critters.

Besides, they ain't ours yet.

We ain't bought the place.

How much you asking for this
here Griffith Park, Mr. Jones?

Uh, Hank, Pearl.

Call me Hank.

All right, Hank.

Never mind holding hands.

Granny.

Pearl, that's a sure trick
of a crooked horse trader.

So you won't look
too close at the horse

or listen too
close to the price.

How much y'all want
for this here Griffith Park,

Hank honey?

Not a sign of anybody
inside the house.

Nor outside.

Oh, well, we're probably
worried about nothing.

You know, the odds are 1,000 to
one against this confidence man

singling out the Clampetts.

And even greater
against them falling for it.

You know, Chief,
according to the circular,

one of his favorite schemes
is selling Hollywood Bowl.

Isn't that a wild one?

Can you imagine anyone
ignorant enough to actually...

Hollywood Bowl?

And hurry!
- Yes.

Well, Jed, you old hounddog,

what do you think of
my collection of critters?

I ain't never seen nothing
like it in all my born days.

Granny, how about that?

If that don't beat all.

A jackass with stripes.

And you ain't seen nothing yet.

They even got
bobcats with stripes.

But them rascals is so high

and as long as from
here to that post.

Yeah, they's what
they call tigers.

Cost me a heap of money to
bring them all the way from India.

Mr. Jones, you
ought to be ashamed!

Putting all them critters
in cages and pens.

Don't you know critters
like to be turned loose?

Uh, now, now, you
simmer down, Elly.

The only reason I put
them in-in pens and cages

so your pa could look them over,

see what he's buying.

I didn't want to
have to have him

go traipsing all
through the brush.

Nice of him, isn't it, Elly May?

Well, I reckon, but turn
them loose quick as you can.

Yeah, I will, I will, Elly.

That's a wonderful
girl you got there.

As a matter of fact, you
got a wonderful family.

My kind of people,
as Mother would say.

Has anybody seen Jethro?

Jethro?

It's awful hard to
keep track of him

amongst all these animals.

I didn't mean that
the way it sounded.

Course Jethro's a
good-looking boy.

Well, why shouldn't he be?

His mother's so beautiful.

Well, I'll be doggone.

Ain't they funny-looking
little fellers.

Yeah, I don't blame
you for staring.

I told Ma I looked
funny in a neck tie.

Jed, Jed, that wild
daughter of yours

jumped in with them bears.

I seen her.

She's in there with
them big varmints.

Come and look, quick!

Sure have been hankering
to meet up with you fellas.

Pa says when his pa was a boy,

there was lots of you
fellas in the hills back home.

But by the time I come
along, you'd all gone away.

Sure do like you.

So nice and soft and furry.

You're friendly, too.

If my pa buys this
here Griffith Park,

I'll take you home with me.

There's a heap more
room there to roam around

than you got here.

And there's some nice big
trees for you and me to climb.

Oh, I-I can't look.

One-one hug from those
powerful arms could kill you.

Don't squeeze
too hard, Elly May!

Mr. Jones is worried
you might hurt his bear.

All right, Pa!

Get off the road,
you crazy hillbillies!

Get that pile of
junk off the freeway!

Dad-blame it, I wish I'd
have brought my shotgun.

They wouldn't talk
back to us that way.

Drivers on this road
sure aren't very polite.

They sound right mean,

a-honkin' and
a-yellin' like that.

They had ought
to be taught to drive

with what you call courtesy.

That means good manners.

You got a wonderful
idea there, young fella.

And your uncle Jed is just
the man who could do it.

Me? How?

Well, if you owned this road,

people would have
to drive like you say.

Is it for sale?

Well, it, uh, it
wasn't, but, uh,

I've decided to make
you a package deal.

I'm gonna sell
you Griffith Park,

the Hollywood Bowl

and the freeway
that connects them.

Tell you what,

you come on home
for supper with us,

and we'll talk it out.

Jethro, you stop at
the Hollywood Bowl.

I want to take another look at
where I'm gonna be performing.

Okay, Ma.

Jed,

you and Mr. Jones go on inside

and talk out your business.

Jethro and Elly May and
me will be back directly.

Where you going, Granny?

I'll tell you later.

Jethro, drive around the back.

We got a few things to pick up.

Wonderful little woman.

Reminds me for all the
world of my sweet little,

gentle, gray-haired, old mother.

You heard me!

I said if I let you
use our freeway,

do you promise to drive with...

What is it again, Jethro?

Courtesy.

Yes. That means being
polite to other folks driving

and not speeding or
honking or yelling at 'em!

Or cutting in and out of lanes.

Over at school they told
us that causes accidents.

Well, speak up.

- Do you promise?
- Yes, ma'am.

All right, get back in
your car and pass through.

Next!

Mr. Clampett, I hope
we're not too late.

We'd have been here sooner,
but we had to avoid the freeway.

There's an unbelievable jam-up.

That Mr. Jones is a crook.

I hope you didn't
give him no money.

Oh, Pearl, I didn't
give him no money.

And where is he?

Inside.

And you know something?

He ain't no mountain man.

He can't hold his
liquor worth shucks.

Mr. Clampett!

Uh, how would you like to
buy the city of San Francisco?

See what I mean?

And he didn't have
no more than half a jug.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.