The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 21 - Jed Plays Solomon - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

Hey, Ma, what you want
me to do with the sign?

Oh, I don't care, Jethro,
you might as well burn it.

Okay, Ma.

Not in here, take it on outside.

Okay.

What's going on, Pearl?

How come you brung in your sign?

Oh, Jed, I give up.

How can I give music lessons
when every time I open my mouth

to sing or yodel 15
dogs jump on me?

That's right, Uncle Jed.

Last night when I come
in, they had Ma treed on top

of the plan-y.

That wasn't funny, Jethro.

Well, it made
Granny and me laugh.

Elly May give me her word that
she'd keep them dogs outside,

especially while
you was performin'.

How they gettin' in here?

I don't know,
but we'll find out.

Jethro, you stay here
and watch the front door,

I'll go watch the cellar door.

We know they
can't get in the back

because Granny's in the kitchen.

Pearl, you go on in the
drawing room and cut loose.

Go get her, gang.

There's a bone in it
for every one of you.

Sounds like they got
your ma treed again.

They come through here?
- No, sir!

Nor through the cellar neither.

All right, you dogs, quiet
down, now quiet down.

Jethro, get your ma
down off her perch.

Jed.

Get off.

I've taken all I can stand for.

Either you get rid of
them dogs or I'm leavin'.

Yeah Pearl, yeah, now calm down.

Pa, you ain't goin'
to get rid of my dogs.

Elly May, you let
me handle these.

Your Aunt Pearl's been
set upon by these dogs

and we got to weed
out the vicious ones.

Jethro, you commence
to handing them to me.

Yes sir, Uncle Jed.

Pa, please!

I'm going to handle
this, Elly May.

Here's a mean
lookin' one, Pearl.

Well, I don't reckon he's
one of the mean ones, Jed.

You can keep that one, Elly.

Uh oh, look what we got here.

The ringleader.

You ever see such a
vicious-lookin' face?

He ain't exactly a ringleader,

he just kind of went
along with the mob.

Look at this ornery one here,
don't get to close to this one.

Look at him.

Guilty as sin.

He's praying for mercy.

I don't even remember
seeing this one before.

Give me the next killer.

How about this mean-lookin'
varmint here, Pearl?

Oh, let them all stay.

Just keep them out of the house
whilst I'm singin' and yodelin'.

How'd they get in, Ma?

Well, they seemed to come
from that direction over there.

♪ Oh, I Wish I was in Dixie ♪

♪ Hooray, hooray ♪

♪ In Dixie Land,

♪ I'll take my
stand, to live and... ♪

Well, what's everybody
staring at me for?

I didn't let them dogs in.

Nobody said you did, Granny.

My own kin has turn against me.

Givin' me the evil eye.

You want to get shed of
me 'cause I'm old and ailin',

and all crippled up with the
rheumatism and the lumbago.

Worn out in the
service of my kin.

Well, you don't have to put
up with old Granny anymore.

I'm going to throw myself in
the cement pond and drown.

And I won't be no
more trouble to you.

Don't nobody try and stop me.

Don't nobody try to stop me!

It's better this way.

Then Pearl can have
everything to herself.

Well Pearl, you heard her.

Reckon you better
take over the kitchen.

All right, Jed, I'll
get right out there.

You keep out of my kitchen!

Granny, put me down.

Don't throw her,
Granny, don't throw her.

You don't stay out of my kitchen

I'm going to hit you so
hard on the top of your head,

you'll be able
to ride half fare.

If that poor, old, wore-out,
sick, crippled little woman

ever gets her strength
back, we better all look out.

Go get her, gang!

There's the usual reward.

Granny, close that door.

Oh, Jed.

I only opened the door
to let in a little fresh air.

And a lot of dogs.

Well, I just can't take
Pearl screechin' any longer.

Sounds like a pine
knot in a saw mill.

Mrs. Drysdale's
been complaining, too.

Calls the police most every day.

That ain't a bit
neighborly, is it?

Mr. Drysdale promised
she wouldn't call no more.

Now Granny, you
leave them dogs outside.

Give me the police.

Man, I thought that complaint
would never come through.

How could anyone
complain about a thing

as beautiful as
Pearl's yodeling?

Sarge, you're not well.

Jed, you let them in.

I just know it's
that nice policeman

who's crazy about my yodeling.

I don't think so
this morning, Pearl.

Oh, sure it is.

Comes by purt near
every morning about now.

Him and that young policeman.

Oh, it is you, come in.

Thank you, Mr. Clampett.

- Morning, sir.
- Morning.

Well, look who's here.

Officer Dean.

You can just call
me Eddie, ma'am.

Well if you'll call
me Pearl, Eddie.

It'd be my pleasure, Pearl.

I got a brand-new
yodel to show you.

Wonderful.

Just so we won't
disturb the peace.

Looking for Elly May?

Who?

My daughter.

Oh, no, sir.

Where is she?

Out by the cement pond.

Pond?

Oh, you mean the swimming pool.

Yeah, I reckon
you could call it that.

Elly and Jethro swims in it.

I better get out there
right away, Mr. Clampett.

We've had a lot of reports

about people stealing
swimming pool water.

I mean pool furniture.

Oh, yeah, you better
get right out there

and keep your eye
on that furniture.

You'll find her working with
her dogs, and cats, and birds.

Thank you.

Did you say dogs
and cats and birds?

Yeah, she's got her dogs
and cats to be friends,

and now she's working
on the cats and birds.

Everybody can be
friends if they just try.

And you two is friends now.

Just remember, Rusty,
folks don't eat their friends.

You two have a good ride,

and go show Granny
how y'all made up.

Mm!

That's the best batch
of rheumatiz medicine

I ever did cook up.

Yes siree, that's first rate.

I commence to seein' birds
riding horseback on cats.

That's enough tastin'.

Hi, Granny.

Oh, Elly, here, keep the
fire going under my still.

I'm going up and rest a while.

Granny, you promised Pa you
wouldn't run your still no more.

Mm, just to make a
little rheumatiz medicine,

in case I wake up one
of these bitter cold nights

and get a seizure.

Granny, it don't get
bitter cold out here.

Jethro read in the newspaper

where it's going to
get 20 below tonight.

Course, that's in Alaska.

But if I wake up and think
about it I might get a seizure.

Elly May?

Down here by the fire.

Elly May, what are you doing?

Now this is illegal, you
can get arrested for this.

I can?

Well, absolutely!

Open fires aren't
allowed in this area.

Here, I'll help you put it out.

How am I doing?

Just fine.

You got the makings
of a first-rate yodeler.

Thank you.

Oh, say, I got to get back
to the car and check in.

Check in?

On the radio.

Come on, I'll show you.

Oh, is it all right?

Sure, come on.

Well, I reckon I hadn't better
resist an officer of the law.

That's right, just
come along quietly.

Remember, I've got a gun.

Uncle Jed, Granny, come quick.

What is it, Jethro?

That policeman arrested Ma.

Arrested her?

Yes sir, he had her by
the arm a-draggin' her out

to his police car.

I'll go see if he's gone yet.

I wouldn't have called
the police if I thought...

Granny.

You mean you set the
police on Pearl, your own kin?

I reckon I did, Jed.

I don't recollect
it quite clear.

I guess it's because
I'm so old and sick,

and ailing' and puny and frail,

and all crippled up
with the rheuma...

All right, now don't
start that again.

Granny I just can't understand
you turnin' on your own kin.

Well it, it was just, it...

it was the hot Californy
sun that done it.

That's what done it.

It softened my poor old brain.

You ain't going to throw me
out of the clan, are you, Jed?

Uncle Jed!

He ain't took Ma away yet.

They's still out front.

Maybe there's time to
right the wrong you done.

Oh, I Will, I Will!

I'll do anything.

Pearl, Pearl!

I'm comin', Pearl!

I'm comin'!

I sure wish I could
invite you into the kitchen

for some coffee and
vittles, but Granny's so mean

and cantankerous
when it comes to...

Pearl!

Forgive me.

I'm the one that
set the law on you.

Please forgive me,
Pearl, I'm so ashamed.

Forgive me, Pearl!

Don't let Jed throw
me out of the clan!

You set the law on me?

Oh, I'm low, Pearl.

Awful low and mean.

Step on me, Pearl.

Step on me.

Step on me like
you would a worm.

Tromp on me!

Grind your feet on me.

Granny, get up out of there.

Oh, Pearl.

Mr. Policeman, run over me.

I don't deserve to live.

Run over me and throw my poor
old mean body to the buzzards!

All right Granny,
now that's enough.

But Pearl hasn't forgive me yet.

Mr. Policeman, give your gun
to Pearl and let her shoot me.

Oh, Granny, stop that.

Put a curse on me, Pearl.

I forgive you, I forgive you.

Bu“ deserve to be
punished, and punished bad.

Sing to me, Pearl.

Granny, Pearl done
said she forgives you.

Am I taken back to the clan?

Am I welcome to the
bosom of my family?

I reckon.

Pearl, you are an angel!

You can have
anything I got, any time.

You can have any
part of my kitchen.

Throw me out of it.

Set the dogs on me.

Jethro, take your granny
into the house, please.

Sure, Ma.

Did you whomp her?

No, I didn't whomp her.

Whomp me, Pearl!

Oh, Jethro, take
her in the house.

Come on in the house
and whomp me, Pearl!

I'm sorry, Mr. Policeman,
but Granny, you know,

she gets worked up
every now and then.

I understand.

Now I can invite
you in the kitchen

to have some vittles and coffee.

Oh, no thanks, I see
my partner coming.

We'd better get moving.

Well, young feller,
find anything missin'?

Oh, no sir, she's
got everything.

I mean, everything was there.

That is, around the pool.

Well, you come back
and see us, hear?

We will, just keep yodeling.

Bye now.

Bye.

See you when the
roads get better.

Bye-bye.

That's quite a
family, isn't it Sarge?

As you young fellas
would say, like wild, man.

You know, here they
are with all these millions

in this big, beautiful mansion,

and guess how they heat the
water for their swimming pool.

How?

Well, they got this, big round
kind of copper boiler, see,

and coming out of the
top is this kind of spout.

And attached to that
is a corkscrew tubing

that goes down and
leads into a big jar.

Brian.

And they keep this fire
going under this big boiler.

Officer Kelly.

But imagine how long it
would take to heat all the...

City boy.

Yes, Sarge?

You have just described a still.

A what?

A still.

No wonder they
got so much money.

These people are moonshiners.

Pearl, is this bowl big enough?

'Cause if it ain't,
you just say the word

and I'll fetch you another one.

Granny, you don't have
to fetch and carry for me.

It's my pleasure.

It's an honor to be
in the same kitchen

with such a good
cook as you are.

What you makin'?

My special sweet potato pie.

Did you hear that, Jed?

Did you hear what this beautiful
cousin of yours is makin'?

Yeah, I heard, Granny.

Pearl, before I go
on to my reward,

would you give me
the recipe for that pie?

I want to make it for
the angels up yonder.

That is, if they'll take me
in after the shameful thing

I done today.

Like settin' the
law on my own kin.

A devil got into me, Pearl.

Granny, don't go to
bawlin', 'twas no harm done.

But kinfolk should
stick together.

That's the truth.

Blood's thicker than water.

Did you hear what
he said, Pearl?

Did you hear what Jed said?

That's the wisest thing I
ever heard in all my life.

Blood is thicker than water.

Granny, I didn't make it up.

But nobody ever said
it like you said it, Jed.

It makes me proud
to belong to your clan.

I do belong, don't I, Jed?

Yes, Granny.

Oh, bless you.

Bless you both!

I don't deserve such good kin.

It's pure pleasure to see
you all gettin' along at last.

Reckon it takes a storm
to bring out the rainbow.

Did you hear what he said?

Pearl!

Don't strain yourself
reaching for anything like that.

Here, stand on me.

Oh, Granny, get up.

You don't have to wait on me.

But I've got to make up
for what I done to you, Pearl.

Order me!

Command me.

Well, all right, let me
have a couple of pie tins.

What else, Pearl?

Well, hand me the flour.

What else, Pearl?

Well, Granny, maybe
you could help me later.

Right now I just
would kind of like

to be in the kitchen by myself.

I understand.

I got some things
outside I can tend to.

It's just I want this,

potato pie to be
special good for Eddie.

Who?

Officer Dean,
good-lookin' policeman.

Oh, I wouldn't get too
thick with the law, Pearl.

They can be awful nosy.

Oh, Eddie and me is just
yodeling acquaintances.

So far.

Remember, Pearl, where
there's the law, there's trouble.

As sure as a goose...
goes barefoot.

It's a still, all right, there's
no question about it.

Well, that doesn't mean
they're making moonshine.

Maybe it's something harmless.

I'll show you how
harmless it is.

Come on.

Strike a match.

Now, toss the match in there.

In the water?

Toss it.

Hey, Sarge, we're not going

to arrest Elly May
for this, are we?

I'm sure she's not
responsible for it.

I don't think Pearl is, either.

Mr. Clampett seemed
like such a wonderful man.

It's probably Granny.

Anybody who would lie
down in front of a police car

and say run over me
has got to be gassed.

Well maybe, maybe Granny
doesn't know it's wrong

to make that stuff.

That's possible.

Pearl says she refuses to
give up the customs of the hills.

Well, looks like
Pearl was right.

Yeah, and there's
Granny's old still to prove it.

♪ Be it ever so humble ♪

♪ There's no place like home ♪

Say Pearl, you seen a
thing of them two policeman?

Not since they left.

Well, that's just it.

They didn't.

Their police car
is still out front.

Oh, that Eddie.

Oh, I hope he's
not so gone on me

that he's neglectin' his duties.

Oh, here's Granny
back to help you, Pearl.

Good.

Granny, I need
your rendering skillet.

I'll see that you get it, Pearl.

Hey, I was just tellin'
Pearl, Granny, that police car

is still out front.

I can't figure it myself, but
Pearl seems to understand.

Uh-huh.

Granny, did you
find the skillet?

Yeah, Pearl.

Well, let me have it.

Sure is heart-warming
to see you two...

Granny!

What was that
loud ringing noise?

Granny!

Granny, why in
the world did you...

I heard the meal
gong, is vittles ready?

Ma!

Don't touch her, she's tainted!

Tainted?

That sure is a fancy new
meal gong, me and Skippy just...

What happened to Aunt Pearl?

Granny whomped her
and I reckon she better

tell me how come right now.

Younguns, you know
the code of the hills.

What is the lowest,
meanest, traitorous thing

a friend can do to his neighbor?

Tell the revenuers
he's got a still.

Here sits the
traitor that done it.

She's the one that ain't
fit to belong to the clan.

Granny, you promised me you
wouldn't make no more moonshine.

I'm making medicine.

You want me all gnarled up

and twisted in the
grip of my rheumatiz?

Is that the thanks I get for
workin' my poor old fingers

to the bone?

Yonder comes the law!

Two policeman.

Barricade the door!

Upend the table!

Lay Pearl's body across it
and we'll shoot from behind her!

Whoa, Granny.

Elly, you get the flag.

Jethro, you get the guns.

And I'll throw knives
at them till you get back.

Granny.

Nobody do nothin'.

We ain't gonna fight the law.

We ain't gonna fight?

What are we, a clan
or a nest of mice?

You heard me.

Jethro, you and Elly take
some of that cold water

and bring your Ma to.

I'll take care of the law.

Mr. Clampett, we'd like
to talk to you about that still

down by the swimming pool.

Yes sir, I feared you'd
catch me sooner or later.

Well, I'm ready to go with
you, I'll make no trouble.

Are you the one
who's running it?

Me and me only.

Pa ain't runnin' it.

It's me.

That's my still,
ain't it, Jethro?

No, sir, that's my still!

Don't listen to these younguns,

it's my still.

Now, come on, arrest me.

Let's get it over with.

Well, that ain't true.

If you want to know who
that still belongs to, I'll tell you.

It's me.

Pearl!

Put the handcuffs on me.

Now just a darn minute.

Ain't nobody going to take
credit for my work except me.

And if it's against the law

to make a little
rheumatiz medicine,

then take me to the chain gang.

- No, take me!
- That's my still!

Hold it!

Appears like we's all
going to the chain gang.

Nobody will go anywhere.

If Granny will promise to stop
making rheumatiz medicine.

Well, I reckon what I made today
will hold me through the winter.

Well, I wouldn't count on that.

You see, we accidentally
spilled all the evidence

into the swimming pool.

Swimming pool?

Oh, poor Charlie.

Who's Charlie?

My pet duck.

Best get some coffee to
go, Granny, looks like we got

a drunk duck on our hands.

One thing, he ain't never going
to be bothered with rheumatiz.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say goodbye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways presentation.