The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 18 - Jed Saves Drysdale's Marriage - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold, Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first
thing you know,

♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

You know something, Granny?

I feel sorry for Mr. Drysdale.

Why that poor man
might as well be single

with a wife gone all the time.

He's a lost soul, Jed.

I was glad you invited him
over for supper last night.

But even my cookin'
didn't cheer him up.

Yeah, I noticed.

He hardly touched his plate
of grits and possum belly.

Even when I spooned
on some gopher gravy.

Yeah, he didn't perk
up till after supper

and Pearl started
a-playin' and singing.

Don't tell me he
liked Pearl's bellowin'.

It wasn't bellowin',

it was yodeling.

Well, it curdled the milk
clean out to the kitchen.

Why, We thrower!
Shoes at tomcats

that made prettier
music than Pearl!

I sure wish you two women
would get along together.

We ain't gonna get along
together 'til she learns

to stay out of my kitchen!

I bet she's in there right now,

sticking her long nose
into my pots and pans.

By dingies!

If she is...

Now, Granny, you just cool down.

Pa?

Elly May, Jethrine, what in
the world have you been doing?

Playing ball with some fellas

down the pasture.

What's that thing?

Well, this here's what
you call a football helmet.

Elly May,

I'm purt near positive

that a ball gown
ain't for playin' ball in.

Well, the fellas seemed to
like it, didn't they Jethrine?

They sure do, Uncle Jed.

They is waiting
for us right now,

to get some money
to buy a new football.

What happened to that one?

Well, Jethrine was going
to throw me a pass...

But I grabbed it too hard,

and it busted.

I ain't going to give you
the money for another one.

Aww, heck!

Well, that's all
right, Jethrine.

Remember?

They said they'd be
just as glad to play

with us without a football.

Come on.

I warned you to stay
out of my kitchen!

Oh, Jethro!

Save your Ma.

Protect me from that wild woman.

Hold her, Jethro,
so I can paddle her.

Granny, a thing
like that could smart.

I'll... Put me down,

you big overgrowed...
Put me down!

Hey, what's going on here?

Jethro, put your Granny down.

Put me down!

Well, she was fixing to whop Ma.

I'll whop her.

Here, Ma, now it's a fair fight.

Nobody's going to whomp nobody.

Well, then, you tell Pearl

the next time she sticks
her nose in one of my pots,

I'm going to cook it.

It is my bonded duty as a mother

to supervise the vittles
of my growing children.

Don't tell me
they is still growin'!

The Clampett side of the family

has always been big,
strong, strapping folks.

It's your family that
brought in the runts!

Who you calling a runt!

I think she meant you, Granny.

Jethro, you's about as helpful

as a high wind
in a prairie fire.

Come on, Pearl, you and
me is gonna have a talk.

Jethro, you stay here and
help your Granny cool down.

Okay, Uncle Jed.

Now, Granny, would you rather

I held you under the
faucet here to cool off,

or took you out to the
cement pond and dunked you?

Try either one and
I'll bash you flatter

than a gander's arch!

There!

Now, Pearl...

Cousin Jed, I know just
what you're going to say.

You're gonna say, "Pearl,
stay out of the kitchen."

You're gonna say,

"That's Granny's kitchen
and it's none of your business."

You're gonna say,

"Stay in your room
where you belong."

That's what you're
gonna say, ain't it?

Ain't nothing like it at all.

What I was going to say was,

it seems to me that a handsome
widow woman in the prime of life

ought not to be hiding herself
in the back part of the house,

working over
steamin' pots and pans

and dipping her piany-playing
fingers into soapy water

and hoarsening up her beautiful
singing voice yelling at Granny.

That's what I was gonna say.

Praise be.

Why don't I keep my big
mouth shut and just listen?

You know, Pearl?

You got the gift
of making music.

And I reckon they ain't nothing

these city fellas
likes better than that.

Really, Jed?

Yeah, remember last night
when Mr. Drysdale was here

and you was playin' and
singin' and yodeling for him?

Yes.

You brung that poor lonesome
man a lot of happiness.

Jed, you ain't
a-greenin' me, are you?

I give you my word.

Remember that song you sung,

that flowers that bloom
in the spring, tra-la?

- Yeah.
- Well, you had Mr. Drysdale

believing it was spring.

- No. -Yeah.

While you was still singin',

he went and flung
open the window,

stuck his head out and
started taking deep breaths

just like he was really
smelling them flowers.

You reckon he liked my yodeling?

Pearl, he'd like to went wild.

I reckon them city fellas

don't get a chance
to hear much yodeling.

“Cause when you thrower!
Your head back and cut hose,

it really grabbed a hold of him.

It did?

He gripped the arms of his
chair till his knuckles turned white.

And he commenced to rockin' back

and forth and moaning like he
was under some kind of a spell.

And his eyes commenced
to circling in his head,

and real tears run
down his cheeks.

Before you got done,

he was limp as a dish rag.

I had to help him to the door.

Uncle Jed?

I can't seem to do
nothing to cool Granny off.

Ain't no need to, Jethro.

Your purty, young,
piany-playin' ma

has decided not to hide
herself away out in the kitchen.

That's a good idea, Ma.

'Cause Granny, she'd
find you and whomp you.

Well, we'll see about that.

Now, Pearl, well
you stay out here

and practice playin'
and singin' and yodeling.

I'll take care of Granny.

I wonder if I should've
told Uncle Jed

that Granny's waiting
behind the door with a skillet

to whomp the first person
that sets foot in her kitchen.

Yeah, I reckon I should've.

Oh'.!

Jed, I'm sorry, I thought
it was Pearl a-comin' in.

Granny, you done shortened me.

I'll make a poultice for your
head right away now, Jeb.

Right away.

I'm telling you, Granny,

you don't have to worry no more

about Pearl comin'
in your kitchen.

She's going to be spending
her time gettin' herself

a husband with her
singin' and yodeling.

Jed, it ain't legal to torture
a man into marrying ya.

You just don't realize the power

Pearl's yodeling's
got over a man.

Last night, Mr. Drysdale
like to went wild.

Heh, purt near
drove me crazy, too.

He loved it, Granny.

I'll bet you he's
got that yodeling

ringing in his ears right now.

I can still hear it.

That unearthly screeching.

Now, Chief, surely
it wasn't that bad?

Well, I can best describe
it as the sound a woman

might make if she were
having her appendix removed

without an anesthetic.

Oh!

Milburn, darling!

Margaret!

I'm so glad to have
you back, dear.

What a cunning hat, dear.

Is it new?

Ah... oh.

Welcome home, Mrs. Drysdale.

Thank you.

Milburn, I have the
most marvelous news.

I'm going to a health
farm in Arizona.

What?

Some women were
talking about it on the plane.

It's terribly chic,

quite expensive, and you
don't need any willpower.

They just force
you to be healthy.

The doctors are
all deliciously mean.

But, Margaret, you are healthy.

Every doctor in the United
States says you're healthy.

But, dear, this is different.

They reduce you as well.

Margaret, if you
want to lose weight,

just stay home and
we'll have dinner

at the Clampetts' every night.

Now, you-you can't eat the
food, but you won't leave hungry.

Because Cousin Pearl will
yodel your appetite away.

But, Milburn, it's
so fashionable

to go to a health farm.

Oh, Margaret, please stay
home and run the place for a while.

You have plenty of servants.

Yes, but we have no
one to manage the place.

And with both of us
away most of the time,

the servants are
asleep on the job.

Well, just hire a good,
efficient housekeeper.

Oh, yes, just try and find one.

Oh, Margaret, please stay.

All right.

If that's the way you feel.

Miss Hathaway.

I'll stay home,
just as you wish.

That's my darling.

Yes, Mrs. Drysdale?

Telephone the pharmacy and
have all my prescriptions refilled.

And call my psychiatrist,

my neurologist, my internist

and my osteopath and
have them come over.

Oh, and I'll need
nurses around the clock.

I just know this
servants problem

is going to bring on
a nervous breakdown.

All right, all right,
go to the health farm.

No.

No, my place is at home.

Please go to the health farm.

All right.

If you're sure that's
what you want.

Oh, I want it, I
want it, I want it.

Milburn!

I promise to come
back a new woman.

Bye!

Just think, Milburn,

you'll have a young,
glamorous wife.

Slim, trim, and beautiful.

All right, start looking
for a new housekeeper.

Won't do any good, Chief,
we've been through this a...

Mr. Drysdale's office.

Who's calling please?

Uh, tell him it's a surprise.

Surprise?

That's what she says.

Milburn Drysdale speaking.

What in the world is that?

That is Pearl Bodine yodeling.

Now, once she comes up
for air, tell her I was drafted.

Chief, she might be the answer
to your housekeeping problem.

- What?
- Uh, be nice to her...

I'll explain.

Hello? Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Bodine, how
nice to hear your voice again.

You were saying?

Mr. Clampett says that Pearl is

such an industrious housekeeper
that Granny is jealous.

She might take over your house

and hers and solve
both your problems.

What about that yodeling?

You won't be there.

And I defy any servants to
sleep on the job with Pearl around.

Hello!

Hello, Mrs. Bodine.

I wonder if I might come
over and talk to you for a while.

Uh, what, talk to me?

Well, what about?

Well, I think you may
be just the woman

I've been looking for.

Yeah?

To take over the
running of my house.

Well, well, yes!

C-C-Come right ahead!

Can we say 3:00?

Let's say 2:00.

Good-bye.

Will you stop

that infernal
caterwauling of yours?

It might be infernal
caterwauling to you,

but it's pure catnip to men.

Huh.

Why lookee there.

I hit such a perfect note,

it busted the glass.

It wasn't your voice
that busted the glass.

It was your face.

We'll see who gets the last
laugh when my sweetie comes.

What sweetie?

That's for me to know
and you to find out.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ahhh.

Sure is nice of you
to share your soap

with Mrs. Drysdale.

Well, with my lye soap,

she'll be happy to stay
home and do her housework.

Granny, most powerful batch
of soap that you ever made.

Just the breeze blowin' back
on me on the way over here

has got me crying.

I make a big soap
to do a big job.

Arrivederci, au
revoir! Toodle-loo!

Howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.

Hello, hello.

Good-bye, good-bye.

Where are you goin'?

Milburn is sending
me to a health farm.

Martin, are we loaded?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, let's fly, fly, fly!

Well, just a minute,
Mrs. Drysdale,

Granny and me
brung you something.

Yeah, honey. Take
a good whiff of this.

How nice of you.

Tell the gardener to spade
it in around the rose bushes.

Mrs. Drysdale, uh...

Toodle-oo!

Oh, just a minute, ma'am.

Granny and me
would like to talk to you.

I haven't time. The sooner I go,

the sooner Milburn
will have his new wife.

Did you say new wife?

Completely new.

Young, glamorous,
slim, trim, and beautiful.

Oh, Martin, have
we got my medicine?

16 bottles, Mrs. Drysdale.

Drive on.

Toodle-oo!

How could a woman be so cheerful

about her husband
gettin' a younger wife?

You heard her.

She's loaded.

Yeah, both of them.

Stewed to the gills.

Who do you reckon is the
woman that busted them up?

Hard to tell, Granny,
there's so many young

beautiful women out here.

Yeah, probably one of
them glamorous movie stars.

Hey, Ma.

You sure are all fancied up.

Do I look like one of them
glamorous movie stars?

Yeah, by golly, you do!

Which one?

Milton Sills.

Go on and get out of here.

Now-now listen.

You find your sister Jethrine

and your cousin Elly May,

and tell them to
start practicing

to be bridesmaids
for my wedding.

Are you getting married, Ma?

Well, it ain't official yet,

but I sure got him anxious.

Now, get going!

Pick me up in about 15 minutes.

Oh, Mrs. Bodine.

Why, Mr. Drysdale,
you are anxious.

If I'd've had a
little more notice,

I'd have baked you
a sweet potato pie.

- It's one of my specials.
- Oh.

- Won't you sit down?
- Thank you.

Here, I'll take your hat.

Yes, sir, I just love to
cook and I love to sew

and I love to keep house.

Yes, I've heard you're an
exceptional housekeeper.

Bu“ ain't one of
them fussy ones.

No, sir, not me. I say a
man's home is his castle,

and it is the duty of a woman
to make him comfortable.

Ah.

There we go.

Yes, a man works hard all day.

And when he gets home,

he has a right to enjoy hisself.

Take off his shoes...

and relax.

And listen to some
soothing music,

to calm his jangled nerves.

Please, Mrs.
Bodine, not right now!

Mr. Drysdale, I've got to ask
you to keep a grip on yourself.

Huh?

We're all alone in the house.

If you want me to
keep a grip on myself,

I must ask you not
play, or sing, or yodel.

I understand.

Kind of makes
you go all to pieces.

Yes, it does.

Well, you just come on
back, and you sit down.

Why, Mr. Drysdale,
you're perspiring.

- Why, you got to get relaxed.
- Please.

A man can't say
what's on his mind

unless he's restin' easy.

Sit down.

Land's sakes.

And with that tie and
collar a-chokin' you,

it's a wonder
you can talk at all.

Oh, Mrs. Bodine, I'll
be all right, really I will.

Mr. Drysdale, you got
a hole in your stocking.

Oh'.!

Oh, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

When a man ain't got a
woman around to care for him,

them things is bound to happen.

Stop that!

I declare, Mr. Drysdale,
you're ticklish.

Now, look, I'm going
to let you set easy,

and I'm going to darn
that up before you know it.

Oh, Mrs. Bodine, oh,
really, I can manage.

Now, now, now, now,
I ain't takin' orders yet.

No please, give me back my sock.

Now gi...

Give me my sock!

Oh, I know how to handle you.

Uncle Jed, Granny,
Ma's gonna get married.

- What?
- Who to?

Well, she wouldn't tell me,

but she was expecting
him any minute.

I reckon he's inside right now.

Let's go and see who it is.

Stop it!

No! No!

No, no, please!

No! No, please!

No, no, Mrs. Bodine!

No!

No!

No, no, please!

It's Mr. Drysdale.

I reckon Pearl is the
young, beautiful woman

that busted up his marriage.

Ma?

Must've been her singin' and
yodeling that drove him to it.

No, stop it!

Mr. Drysdale.

Mr. Clampett.

I was just, uh, your
cousin and I were...

Oh! No, no, we weren't.

Jethro, leave the room.

Leave the house.

Did you have to
come back right now?

We was just goin' great!

Pearl!

What's the matter with you?

Man-crazy, always was.

Mr. Drysdale, get
yourself decent.

I'll be back to talk to you.

Shame on you!

You too, Pearl, you homewrecker.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You told me that Mr. Drysdale
was crazy about my yodeling.

So I called him at the bank,

and I yodeled and
he come a-runnin'

over here to see me.

Pearl, you done yodeled your way

'twixt Mr. Drysdale
and his wife.

Wife?

I didn't know he had a wife.

Well, he has.

The sweetest, kindest, nicest,

drunkenest woman you ever saw.

He done sent her to the farm.

Put her out to pasture
so he can marry you.

We seen her leavin'.

Oh, she knows about you, Pearl.

Said her husband was
going to get a new wife.

Young, glamorous,
slim, beautiful.

Jed.

That can't be Pearl.

You're forgetting
what a powerful spell

her voice throws on a man.

Now, Pearl, I'm
going back in there

and try to talk some
sense into Mr. Drysdale.

Whatever you do,

don't yodel.

Oh, Mr. Clampett,

I'm-I'm terribly embarrassed
about the picture

we must have presented
when you came in,

but I assure you
I wasn't at fault.

Yes, your cousin Pearl
is one of the most...

Yeah, my cousin Pearl admitted

that she called you on the
telephone and stirred you up.

But she didn't know was
going to send your wife

away to make room for her.

Oh, but I didn't.

In the first place, my
wife is never home.

In the second place, if
she does come home,

there's still plenty of
room for both of them.

Mr. Drysdale, I...

I hear tell that, uh,
you folks out here

behaves a mite different
than we is used to.

I know you're carrying a heavy
load on account of your wife.

But I just can't let

my cousin Pearl get mixed up

in any kind of
goings on like that.

Well, then, if I
can't have Pearl,

can I have Granny?

Lord love you, you're
a desperate man.

What are they sayin'?

How can I hear when
you keep pestering me?

Hi, Ma!

Oh'.!

Jed told you not to yodel.

I was screaming.

Who can tell the difference?

What in the world
happened to you?

We was playing
football with some boys.

Yeah, and they sure was dumb.

Jethrine was a-totin' the ball,

and they kept a-tackling me!

Go get cleaned up, both of you.

Jethro says you want
us to be bridesmaids

at your wedding.

Yeah, who you
marrying, Aunt Pearl?

What's his name, Ma?

Puttin' and tame, ask me again

and I'll tell you the same.

Now, get upstairs.

That's a funny name.

Puttin' and tame.

Oh, Ma don't care.

She once said she'd
marry Humpty Dumpty.

Well, I like Jethrine Tame

better than Jethrine Dumpty.

Scat, both of you.

That poor man in there

is so sick of his drinkin' wife,

he is wanting to marry
either one of you two.

Last one in is an old maid!

Ha!

Granny.

We is trying to save the
marriage, not bust it up,

but I think I got
a idea that'll do it.

I want you two to
wait in the kitchen.

And when I bring
Mr. Drysdale in,

I want you two...

Yes sir, Mr. Drysdale,
both them fine,

hardworking, good-cookin'

housekeepin' women
is in the kitchen there.

All you have to do is go
in there and take your pick.

Oh, this is marvelous of you.

♪ Nobody knows... ♪

Oh, no.

♪ Nobody knows... ♪

And they took the pledge.

♪ Nobody knows... ♪

Granny, Pearl!

Granny!

Well, look who's here.

It's old Jed himself.

And there's Milby baby!

You fellers want to dance?

Come on.

Have a little dance.

Come on, now.

You can't dance over there.

Why not?

It's all downhill.

Take your pick
now, Mr. Drysdale,

while they can still
walk over to your house.

Oh, he's gonna pick me.

Ain't you, sweetie Milby?

Oh no, he ain't,

he's gonna take me, ain't ya?

You get your
banker-grabbin' hands off him!

Who you...

Who you shovin', fella?

Who you think
you're shoving, huh?

I'll show you shovin'.

How about taking both
of them, Mr. Drysdale?

No, thanks.

You done it, girls.

Bless you both.

Pearl, you were just great.

So was you, Granny damn“.

Together, you saved
that man's home,

and you saved his marriage.

Now don't it give
you a good feeling?

Yeah.

Well, I'm kind of winded.

I think I'll go
upstairs and rest.

Call me when lunch
is ready, Granny.

Oh, now just a
minute, Pearl honey.

We got a lot of mess
to clean up here.

But Granny damn“,

you give me strict orders
to stay out of your kitchen.

Remember?

Why, you low-down, no-good...

Here we go again.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways presentation.