The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 17 - Jed's Dilemma - full transcript

Grannie and Cousin Pearl are at each other's throats over who's going to take care of cooking and the house, so Jed has to find ways to keep them apart.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

♪♪

You ought to be ashamed
to let me sleep this late.

Why, half the day is gone,

it's pretty near sunup.

Land sakes alive!

I ain't stayed a-bed
this late in 72 year!

Mornin', Granny.

Now, Jethro, don't
you yell at me,

I'm gonna get breakfast
just as soon as I can.

Ma's done give us
breakfast already, Granny.

And now she's got us

cleanin' the house
from top to bottom.

How come no one woke me?

Well, she says we ain't
supposed to wake ya.

That's how come she
shutoff your alarm clock.

So Pearl done it!

I'm sorry I took it
out on you, clock.

Jethro, your ma says bring
this bucket of this suds... Oh'.!

Mornin', Granny,
how's your rheumatiz?

What rheumatiz?

Well, Pearl says you was
having some twinges last night.

Uh, that's how
come she put a little

Mountain Dew into
your squirrel soup.

Pearl spiked my soup?

Well, yeah, she figured
it would help you to sleep.

And you was
likin' it too, Granny.

You kept asking for
another slug of soup.

Well, that-that's because

I couldn't believe that Pearl

could make such good soup.

Granny!

Wh-What are you doing up?

Aunt Pearl said I was to
give you your breakfast in bed.

Beds is for
sleepin', not eatin'.

Well, Aunt Pearl said a
body had to be waited on

and took care of when
it gets to be your age.

My age?! Why, I'm
in the prime of life!

And you tell your
Aunt Pearl that...

Never mind, I'll
tell her myself.

Ah, don't get riled up at Pearl.

I reckon she's just
tryin' to be helpful.

She's about as helpful as an
alligator in a swimming hole.

I'd rather be caught 'twixt
a pair of scrappin' bobcats

than two women trying
to run the same house.

Granny, I was just fetchin'
this up to your room.

Ma figured you'd probably
want to set and rock a spell

when you was feeling strong
enough to get out of bed.

Jethrine, you take
that back outside.

And while you're at it,

you fetch some flowers
for your ma's sick room.

Ma ain't sick.

Eh, she ain't met
up with me yet.

Where is she?

In the kitchen,
doing the ironin'.

Ironin'?! I ain't
done the washin' yet!

Ma done that while
you were still in bed.

All by herself?

Oh, no.

She had all of us helpin'.

Ma gets a kick out
of runnin' things.

She's gonna get a kick
that she ain't looking fer.

I wanna boot her so hard
that every time she sets down,

she'll leave my footprints.

Sakes alive.

With all these
new-fangled gadgets,

work around here's just play.

Where you going
with that, Jethrine?

Outside.

I told you to take it up
to Granny's bedroom.

Granny told me
to take it outside.

You're taking your
orders from me,

and not from Granny.

That poor woman
is old and tired,

and we owe it to
her to let her rest.

I just hope and pray
when I get to be her age,

that somebody'll
be lookin' after me.

You can quit hopin' and prayin'.

And if you keep messin'
around in my kitchen,

you ain't gonna
get to be my age.

Well, don't stand there,

do as Granny
says: take it outside.

How you feel, Granny?

Did you sleep off the soup?

I mean, did the soup sleep...

Uh, did... did the
soup help you to sleep?

Now, you listen to me,
Pearl, and you listen good.

When you was a baby,

and you needed it, I spanked ya.

And when you was a
toddler, I paddled ya.

And when you was a
young'un, I switched ya.

And I can still do it, Pearl!

Besides, the target's a
heap much bigger today.

Now, Granny, don't be riled!

Uh, you was looking
poorly last night,

and I figured you
needed a little rest.

Honest!

You-you looked like the dogs

had had you under the porch.

Ooh!

You can't scare me with that.

I got a head of steam
bigger than it has!

Don't it make pretty music

when you make it shake
like this, Uncle Jed?

Now, that ain't for
playing with, Jethro.

You bust that and your
ma will tan you good.

Pa?

I done washed the
front of the house

as high up as I can get.

I'll need a ladder to
get the whole thing.

Is Pearl gettin' you to wash
the whole outside of the house?

Yes, sir, she said
every inch of it.

Dogged if she ain't
the cleanest woman.

Well, come on, I'll help you.

Gr-Granny? Uh, G-Granny!

You can hurt a body
with a hard skillet like that!

Oh'. Jethro, protect your ma.

How can Granny hurt you, Ma?

You said she was too
old to get out of bed.

I'll show you who's
too old to get out of bed!

Oh! Here she comes! Oh!

- I'll get it, Pa!
- Yippee!

Hey, Jethro,
that looks like fun!

I'll swing you now,

but you gotta swing me later!

I told you that
wasn't for playin' on!

Now get down from there!

Come on! Come on, now!

Pearl! Get your big overgrown
boy off the chandelier!

I'll get him off of there if
you get Granny off of me!

Granny!

- Stop that...
- You seen him!

He tried to kill me!

Dang Oh:!

Now stay down!

Now, this has gone far enough!

All of ya!

II

Now, Jethro's gone to
fetch the truck around,

then we's all going
for a nice, long drive

and cool off some of
the tempers in this family.

Aunt Pearl, ain't cousin
Jethrine a-comin'?

Oh, no, honey, she-she
wants to practice her singing.

She can go
sightseein' another time.

Listen to that!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,

running off and
leaving a child that sick.

Jethrine ain't
sick, she's singing.

Well, she's singing sick!

For your information,

my daughter's
training for the stage!

Well, now, that's one
thing she can do...

Drive a stage.

Now, this snappin' and
back-bitin' 'twixt you two

has got to stop.

Quick as Jethro gets
here with the truck,

we gonna take a nice, long drive

and show Pearl
some amazing sights.

She ain't never gonna
see more amazing sights

than she sees every morning
when she looks in the mirror.

- I wouldn't talk if I were you.
- Now, girls, girls.

Looky, Pa! Yonder
comes the truck

and there's nobody a-drivin' it!

What's the trouble, Jethro?

It's outta gas, Uncle Jed.

They ain't even enough
to get to the fillin' station.

Well, I tell you what.

Uh, Elly May, you run in the
house and get Granny's jug.

The big one.

Ooh!

Don't tell me that
child ain't sick.

Nobody makes a noise
like that on purpose.

You're a-gonna be
sorry you said them things

when Jethrine commences
singing with a big orchestra

like Rudy Vallee.

Who?

Rudy Vallee and his
Connecticut Yankees.

Did you hear that, Jed?

Your traitor cousin Pearl is

lettin' her daughter
desert to the Yankees!

Well, I reckon they're
gettin' what they deserve.

There ya are, Pa.

Thank you, Elly May.

Now, Jethro,
see if that'll start.

Okay, Uncle Jed.

Jethro and me's gonna get gas.

We'll be right back. Uh...

II

II

Guess what, Ma.

They tell me at school
they's lots of movie stars

that live on this street.

Oh'. Do you reckon
that Francis X. Bushman

lives in one of them houses?

Wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Oh, my stars and garters.

If I was to meet
him face-to-face,

I'd faint dead away.

So would he.

What'd she say, Elly?

Well, she said...

Look at that big
house down there!

I bet ya a movie
star lives in that one.

Oh, Jethro, drive
up the driveway

and I'll go to the door
and ask for directions.

Directions to where, Ma?

Directions to the next
corner, who cares?

You didn't stop.

I know how to get
to the next corner.

Oh, you! Now we passed it.

Why, that might've been
Ramon Novarro's house.

I might've got acquainted
with him and told him

how I play piano at the
movie theater back home.

Why, I could've played
and sung the song I wrote

for the chariot race in Ben-Hun

Simmer down, Pearl.

I don't reckon that was
Mr. Navarro's house.

I got a good look up the
driveway as we passed.

The barn door was open,

there wasn't a span of
horses or a chariot in there.

Well, slow down anyway, Jethro.

Why, thinks if I was to see
Rod La Rocque or John Gilbert

or Hoot Gibson, why, I
wouldn't even have time

to ask for their autograph.

Some women is
just plain man crazy.

What'd she say, Elly?

We“, she said some worn-

Let's drive down to the
business part of town, Jethro,

and show Pearl some
of the beautiful buildings

and stores they got there.

Okay, Uncle Jed.

Tell your Aunt
Pearl not to fret.

They's men there, too.

Aunt Pearl, Granny said...

Never mind, Elly.

Drive on, Jethro.

I think we'll see some
movie stars down there.

Come in, folks, the
movie's about to begin.

By the way, the wax figures
out front are by courtesy

of the Beverly Hills
Movie Museum.

Lookie, Aunt Pearl,

there's a movin' picture
theater up yonder.

Yeah.

I wonder if they
need a right good,

first-class piano player.

Why, do you know one?

Now, I have taken all...

Say, Pearl, ain't
them movie stars

out in front of that theater?

Stop a mite, Jethro.

I can't believe it!

It's Douglas Fairbanks,

Rudolph Valentino,
and William S. Hart.

I have never seen one woman

as man crazy and
movie star crazy as...

William S. Hart?!

Let me off 0' here!

Jethro, drive on before we
embarrass them poor fellers.

Bill, honey, you're my hero!

Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! Hey! Hey!

Well, how'd you like it, Pearl?

Oh, Jed, that was
the most thrillin',

most excitin' thing that
ever happened to me...

Seein' all them movie stars!

Did you see how old
Bill Hart stood there

with them steely eyes,
just a-starin' at me?

You betcha, Granny.

And Rudolph Valentino
kind of give me

a scorcher of a look, too!

He sure did, Pearl.

How about them green drawers
that Mr. Fairbanks was wearing!

Yeah, Jed, you oughta dye

your drawers
that color, I'd say.

Aw, Pearl, red's my color.

Hey, Jethro, let's
go for a swim.

I'm too hungry, Elly May.

All that drivin' around
give me an appetite.

Yeah, I reckon all that
fresh air give us all a appetite.

I'm empty as last
years' bird's nest, myself.

About eatin' time, too.

I reckon I got time for a
little swimmin' before vittles.

Hurry up, Elly May!
I could eat a horse!

Well, just-just everybody relax!

I'll have vittles a-cookin'

'fore you can say Jack Robinson.

Jack Robinson!

And you stay out of my kitchen.

I believe that kitchen happens
to belong to my cousin Jed.

Well, I's a granny,

and grannys is
closer than cousins.

Not when a granny's
on the wife's side.

I got Clampett
blood in my veins.

Well, if you want
to keep it there,

you stay out of my kitchen.

Hey, Uncle Jed, come on back!

They's gonna be a fight!

Oh, I don't fight
nobody twice my age.

There ain't nobody
twice your age!

I happen to be on
the sunny side of 45!

Well, then move into the shade,

you're dryin' up
somethin' awful!

Now, hold on, hold on.

Who's closer related
to you, Jed, her or me?

I is, 'cause I's a granny.

You're a mother-in-law.

I'm a blood cousin.

- You're gonna be...
- Now, now.

I reckon you's both just as

close related to
me as folks can be,

'cause I love you both equal.

And it'd pleasure me
if you'd shake hands.

And come out fightin'!

Jethro!

Come on now, shake hands.

Granny, you start it off.

Come on.

Now, shake hands.

Come on, Granny,
shake hands with Pearl.

There you are.

Now, uh, Granny, say
something nice to Pearl.

Go on, say something nice.

Pearl...

I never did see
anything prettier

than the weather is today.

Now, Granny.

Well, that was friendly.

Well, say something nice
and friendly about Pearl.

Don't force her, Jed.

No, I ain't forcin' her,

she's just trying to think up

something extra-special
nice, now ain't ya, Granny?

- Yeah, and it ain't easy.
- See?

Aw, Pearl.

She's always braggin' on ya.

How pretty you are,
what a nice figure you got.

I bragged on Pearl's figure?

You sure did.

You said Pearl got the
kind of figure a man likes.

Yep.

And then I said,

"Too bad a man didn't
get it instead of Pearl."

I wouldn’t talk, if I had a
figure as boney as you.

Now, Pearl...

You're built like a
sack full of horseshoes.

And you're built like a
sack full of doorknobs.

- Now let me tell you...
- Now, girls...!

Uncle Jed, you're
breaking up a good fight!

Jethro, why don't you go out
and help your sister Jethrine.

- What's she doing?
- I don't know.

Find out what she's
doing and go help her.

Aw, you never let me
have any fun! Nuts!

Now, I'm askin' ya just
as nice as I know how

to stop all this
back-bitin' and bickerin'.

You's both fine-looking women!

I'm proud to be kin to you.

Why, if folks didn't know,

they'd think you was
Elly May's sisters.

Pa?

Oh, Elly, honey.

Now, why don't you take
these two pretty girls swimmin',

down to the cement pond.

That oughta cool 'em off.

In the dead of winter?!

Oh, the water stays warm

all year 'round, Aunt Pearl.

Yeah, must be fed by some kind

of hot mineral
springs or something.

Well... th-that oughta
be mighty good

for your rheumatiz, Granny.

And I'll fix lunch
while you're swim...

I told you to stay
out of my kitchen.

And I told you that...

Now, that's enough!

And I hear one more word spoke

in anger out of
either one of ya,

dogged if I ain't gonna
take a switch to you.

Aunt Pearl, Granny
ain't too fond of swimmin',

but I'd be mighty proud
if you'd go with me.

Well, that's a mighty
sweet invite, Elly May.

Pearl, did you bring
some swimmin' clothes?

Yeah, I did.

Well, now, you run
along and get into 'em.

Well, I don't...

Come on, put 'em on.

By doggies...

I betcha Pearl in
them swimmin' clothes

has got the figure
of a young girl.

She better give it back

before she stretches it
out of shape any more.

Granny...

I didn't say it in anger.

I'm smilin'.

Well, I'm ready for the water.

She looks like she's
been in it for six days.

Pearl, you are one of
the finest-looking women

ever to come
down out of the hills.

And you're extra-fetchin'
in your swimmin' clothes.

I made it myself.

The dickens you say.

It's all hand work.

No.

Yep, every gore
and gusset and dart

and tuck and
ruffl'n' and twin-bran,

I did it all myself.

Well, doggies, that's mighty
pretty and so are you, Pearl!

Granny, did you ever see

anything like Pearl
in her bathing suit?

No, sir, I ain't.

Well, uh, come on,
I'll show you the pond.

Elly May and Jethro's
down there waitin' fer you.

Cousin Elly,

while we's waitin' for these
ham hocks to thaw out,

I'll race you to the far
end of the pond and back.

You're on! Wait'll I get
on this swimmin' cap.

Doggone it, I wish I
didn't have to wear this.

Granny says that pond
water's bad on my hair.

Well, why don't you
cut some of that hair off?

Hey, that's a dandy idea.

Would you do it for me, Jethro?

Sure!

Reckon I can find
something to...

Hey, there's some shears!

Whack it off close
to my head, Jethro.

- Okay.
- I want it short as yours.

Well, hold still!

Don't want to shorten
your head none.

- Jethro!
- Yeah, Uncle Jed?

Hold on there!

What do you think you're doing?

Fixin' to cut Elly's hair.

- Give me that.
- Whack it off short, Pa,

so's it won't get in
my eyes when I swim.

I'd sooner cut off my arm
than that beautiful hair of yours.

Now don't you never get a notion

like that in your head
again, nor you neither!

You mean I gotta let my
hair grow long as Elly's?

Jethro, why don't you try
using your head for thinkin'?

I have tried, Ma. And it hurts.

Keep a eye on these two; I
gotta go back up to the house.

I Will, Jed.

Hey, Ma, you wanna race

Elly and me to the far
end of the pond and back?

- In the water?
- Yes'm.

And get my swimmin' suit wet?

Yeah.

Oh, you do bear watchin'.

Both of you.

Is them ham hocks?

- Yeah, Ma.
- Where'd they come from?

From pigs, I reckon.

How did they get here?

Well, I took 'em
out of the icebox.

I was gettin' awful hungry.

Was you gonna eat them raw?

- Course not!
- Huh.

I was gonna keep my
swimming trunks on.

Eh...

Elly May?

Yeah, Aunt Pearl?

What is this thing?

Looks like a stove on wheels.

Well, that's what it is.

It's called a
portable bar-be-cue.

You just put a fire in there,

then you lay the
meat on this thing.

All right.

Elly May, you fetch
some firewood.

Jethro, you slice
them ham hocks.

What would you like
to hear next, Uncle Jed?

Well, uh, can you play "Dixie"?

Why, sure.

I sure do like to
sing that song.

R's right good for dentin“, too.

Would you do a jig?

Well, if the music happens
to get down around my feet,

I might just cut loose
and stomp a spell.

Better take my coat
off, just in case it does.

♪ Oh, I Wish I was
in the land 0' cotton ♪

♪ Old times there
is not forgotten ♪

♪ Look away... ♪

♪ Look away ♪

♪ Look away, Dixie Land ♪

♪ I wish I was in Dixie ♪

♪ Hooray, Hooray ♪

♪ In Dixie Land,
I'll take my stand ♪

♪ To live and die in Dixie ♪

- ♪ Away ♪
- ♪ Away ♪

- ♪ Away ♪ -J' Away ♪

♪ Away down south, in Dixie ♪

- ♪ Away ♪
- ♪ Away ♪

♪ Away down south... ♪

♪ In Dixie! ♪

Yea-haw!

♪ I wish I was in Dixie ♪

♪ Away from Pearl ♪

♪ In Dixie Land,
I'll take my stand ♪

♪ Away from-a cousin-a Pearl ♪

♪ Away, away, away
down south in Dixie ♪

♪ Away, away, away
from Pearl in Dixie ♪

♪ Oh, I Wish I was in
Dixie, away from Pearl ♪

♪ Away from Pearl, no Pearl ♪

♪ Away from Pearl in Dixie! ♪

Mmm, boy.

Ain't nothing smells as
good as ham a-cookin', Ma.

Ah! That's the truth.

Wait'll Jethrine
gets a whiff of this.

Ham is her favorite.

Mine, too, Ma.

Come on, hurry up!

Jethrine...

what is that dee-licious
smell I'm a-smellin'?

It smells like ham
a-cookin', Uncle Jed.

Well, let's get on down
to the cement pond,

tell everybody we're
gonna have ham.

Reckon that is a shortcut.

When the family
tastes these vittles,

they ain't never gonna let
Pearl near the kitchen again.

Mmm-mmm! Good!

Come and get it!
Come and get it!

Come and get it!

Come on, everybody, vittles on!

Land sakes...

they're all so hungry,
they can't get up.

Come on, Jethro, I
know you can make it.

Aw, please, Granny,

we just done eat five hams.

Jed.

Granny!

Them little hams is the
best you ever cooked!

I didn't cook no hams.

I cooked 'em, Granny.

How'd you get in my kitchen
without me seeing you?

I cooked 'em on this
here stove with wheels.

Ma can cook anywhere.

Well...

let's see her cook
where I'm gonna put her!

Don't do it, Granny!

Just a minute!

Here's your stove!

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.