The Benson Interruption (2010–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
Doug Benson interrupts his friends Brian Posehn, Greg Proops and Tig Notaro as they do their sets in front of a audience.
- JUST FOCUS, DO YOUR MATERIAL,
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
JUST BLOCK EVERYTHING OUT.
- HEY, BUDDY,
THANKS FOR DOING MY SHOW.
IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.
I'M BRINGING YOU OUT
IN A FEW MINUTES.
I'M GONNA TRY TO INTERRUPT YOU
DURING EVERY JOKE YOU TELL.
GOOD LUCK!
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO
THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE MY FRIENDS DON'T MIND
BEING INTERRUPTED
AS FAR AS I KNOW.
ONE OF MY COMEDIAN FRIENDS
IS GONNA COME OUT
AND STAND RIGHT HERE
AND TELL A JOKE,
LIKE, "I FINALLY SAW WALL
MONEY NEVER SLEEPS
"WHICH MEANS MONEY NEVER SAW
MONEY NEVER SLEEPS."
AND THEN I'M GONNA SIT
IN THAT CHAIR RIGHT THERE
AND INTERRUPT THEM
WITH SOMETHING LIKE,
"MONEY CAN'T SLEEP
OR WATCH MOVIES.
YOUR HUMOR IS ABSURD."
ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU GUYS READY
TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
YEAH.
THIS COMEDIAN'S LATEST CD
IS CALLED
FART AND WEINER JOKES.
AND YOU CAN SEE HIM
IN THE UPCOMING FILM,
LLOYD THE CONQUEROR.
I THINK THAT'S MADE UP.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND,
BRIAN POSEHN!
- ALL RIGHT,
SO I JUST HAD A BABY.
UM...
- WHOO!
- YAY.
YEAH.
- THAT'S AWESOME.
NOBODY ELSE DOES THAT.
- WE JUST DID IT FROM.
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
- YOU'RE SO SPECIAL.
- YEAH.
- THAT'S HOW YOU DID IT?
- YEAH, JUST FROM
PENIS AND VAGINA.
- THAT'S ALL IT TAKES?
A LOT OF PEOPLE
HAVE TO GO SEE A DOCTOR.
- NUH.
- YOU GOT THE JOB DONE.
- MY WIFE HAS
A GOOD VAGINA, APPARENTLY.
I DON'T KNOW.
MY PENIS, I DON'T KNOW SO MUCH.
- SO ANYWAY...
IT'S ALREADY FUN!
- THEY WORKED WELL TOGETHER.
- BEING INTERRUPTED.
- YOUR PENIS AND HER VAGINA.
YOU HAVE A BABY.
- GOD DAMN IT, REALLY?
- YEAH.
IT'S THE BENSON INTERRUPTION.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
- NOT THE BENSON
LETS BRIAN TALK.
- YOU SON OF A BITCH.
WHY'D I SAY YES TO THIS?
ANYWAY.
- SO IF YOU KNOW ME,
AS YOU DO, I USED TO--
- I WON'T INTERRUPT ANYMORE.
I PROMISE.
- GOD!
- THAT WAS THE LAST ONE
FOR THE NIGHT.
I'M JUST GONNA SIT HERE AND
HOLD A MICROPHONE TO MY FACE.
- IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.
SO NOW, BUT IT'S HARD,
BECAUSE I USED
TO BE ONE OF THOSE COMEDIANS
THAT HATED OTHER COMEDIANS
THAT TALKED
ABOUT THEIR BABY, RIGHT?
- IT'S THE WORST.
AS SOON AS A COMEDIAN HAS A BABY
THEY'RE NO LONGER FUNNY.
- YEAH.
NO, HE'S RIGHT.
THEY'LL BE LIKE,
EDGY,
AND SUPER FUNNY,
AND LIKE, HAVE
HILARIOUS ABORTION MATERIAL.
AND THEN...
- WHAT--THEY--
- WAIT, WHO HAS
HILARIOUS ABORTION MATERIAL?
- A LOT OF GUYS.
ANYWAY...
- AND LADIES.
LET'S BE FAIR.
- BUT YEAH, I USED TO HATE,
LIKE, WHEN GUYS WOULD CHANGE
AND THEY'D BE LIKE, "AND
NOW I LOOKED INTO MY BABY EYES
AND IT WAS SO PRECIOUS,
AND BEH, BEH, BEH," RIGHT?
AND I USED TO SAY,
LIKE, IF I EVER DO THAT,
IF YOU EVER SEE ME HAVE A BABY
AND THEN I'M UP ON STAGE,
LIKE, "AND MY BABY
CHANGED MY LIFE
AND DEH, DEH,
DEH, DEH, DEH,"
I USED TO SAY THAT IF I DO THAT
I WANT YOU TO PUNCH MY BABY.
- IS YOUR BABY HERE NOW?
- NO.
- IT'S A GOOD THING
'CAUSE YOU JUST
TOLD ME TO PUNCH YOUR BABY.
- NO, I KNOW!
AND THAT JOKE
WAS WRITTEN PRE-BABY.
- AND NOW YOU HAVE A BABY,
YOU DON'T WANNA GET HIM PUNCHED.
- NO, I WOULD LIKE FOR
HIM TO REMAIN UNPUNCHED
FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.
AND I KNOW
HAVING THESE GENES,
THAT'S NOT
GONNA WORK OUT FOR HIM.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
LIKE, WHEN HE'S TEN?
CAN I PUNCH HIM
WHEN HE'S TEN?
- SURE.
BUT NO, I'M--
DID I SAY THAT?
YEAH.
I'M JUST AFRAID--
- IT'S OFFICIAL,
IT'S ON TELEVISION.
- YEAH.
I'M JUST AFRAID
HE'S GONNA BE, LIKE, 15,
AND HE'S
GONNA BE AT SCHOOL,
HE'S GONNA BE
THE GOOFY-LOOKING KID,
AND HE'S GONNA
BE READING STEPHEN KING
UNDER A TREE AT LUNCH.
AND SOME JOCK'S
GONNA WALK UP AND GO,
"WHY YOU READING
AT SCHOOL, ?"
PUNCH.
IT HAPPENED TO POPS, SO...
THE BIGGEST THING,
THOUGH, FOR HAVING A KID
THAT I'M GOING THROUGH--
LIKE, THE WEIRDEST THING
IS, LIKE, WHEN DO I SHARE
MY NERDY OBSESSIONS WITH MY KID?
LIKE, WHEN DO
I PLAY METAL FOR HIM?
LIKE, WHEN DO I PLAY SLAYER
FOR HIM, YOU KNOW?
AND, LIKE, WHEN DO I TURN
HIM ON TO HORROR MOVIES?
LIKE, IS ONE TOO YOUNG TO
SEE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD?
OR, YOU KNOW...
OR DO YOU WAIT TILL HE'S,
LIKE, TWO AND THREE
AND GETS BLACK AND WHITE.
AND THE BIG THING IS...
LIKE, THE ONE THING
THAT I'M REALLY--
THAT'S REALLY
SCREWING ME UP IS
WHEN DO I PLAY WEIRD AL
FOR MY KID?
LIKE...
YES.
I LOVE WEIRD AL.
BUT HERE'S THE THING,
AND DO YOU FIRST--
- DO YOU PLAY HIM
THE ORIGINALS?
RIGHT, DO YOU
PLAY HIM, LIKE, QUEEN
AND GO, "BUDDY,
THIS IS A GREAT BAND.
"BRIAN MAY,
FREDDIE MERCURY.
"THEY DID ANOTHER ONE
BITES THE DUST.
"NOW THIS IS WEIRD AL'S
HILARIOUS VERSION,
ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS."
- BECAUSE QUEEN FORGOT
TO USE AN ACCORDION
IN THEIR RECORDING.
- RIGHT.
OR DO YOU
DO WHAT I'M GONNA DO,
AND PRESENT
ALL WEIRD AL MUSIC
LIKE IT'S
ALL COMPLETELY ORIGINAL?
YEAH.
SO THE FIRST TIME
HE'S AT A PARTY
AND HE HEARS,
LIKE, MICHAEL JACKSON,
AND HE'S LIKE,
"WHAT THE IS THIS?"
- WHO COVERED AL YANKOVIC
AND THEN MADE
THE WORDS NOT FUNNY?
- THIS SOUNDS EXACTLY
LIKE EAT IT.
- BUT IT'S NOT
AS FUNNY AS EAT IT.
THIS GUY
RUINED A FUNNY SONG.
- THIS MICHAEL JACKSON
OWES WEIRD AL SOME MONEY.
- WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE BRIAN POSEHN
AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- OKAY.
- LET'S DO IT.
YOU WANNA GO FIRST?
- SURE.
- ALL RIGHT, READ A TWEET.
- "I WAS STOPPED BY A DRUG DOG
AT AN AIRPORT LAST NIGHT.
"I WASN'T HOLDING.
APPARENTLY, THEY
CAN SMELL MY BLOODSTREAM."
- "MY LEFT EYE IS 0/0,
BUT MY RIGHT ONE IS 20/20.
HASH TAG,
TWEETS FROM A PIRATE."
- WHAT AN IDIOT.
SIX BACHELORETTE PARTIES
AT MY EARLY SHOW.
GOOD IDEA, LADIES.
GO WATCH THREE UGLY GUYS
TALK ABOUT THEIR
FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.
LIKE, SERIOUSLY, IF YOU'RE
IN A BACHELORETTE PARTY,
GO WATCH A DUDE
TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF,
DON'T GO TO A
COMEDY SHOW, RIGHT, BUDDY?
- YEAH, YEAH.
THEY RUIN COMEDY SHOWS
'CAUSE THEY SCREAM,
"TALK ABOUT US!"
AND, LIKE, WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO SAY ABOUT YOU?
ONE OF YOU IS GETTING MARRIED,
AND... SO WHAT?
- BALLOONS SHAPED LIKE DILDOS ON
THEIR HEAD AND STUFF.
- YEAH, JUST EAT YOUR
CAKE AND SHUT UP.
- EXACTLY.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE?
- "BE SURE TO EAT A BIG MEAL
BEFORE SEEING JACKASS 3D,
SO THAT YOU'LL
HAVE PLENTY TO THROW UP."
- MY GOD, THAT'S DISGUSTING.
BUT... BUT FUNNY.
- YEAH, A LOT OF BALLS AND...
- I--BALLS
DON'T MAKE ME THROW UP.
A GUY SITTING IN A--
- WELL, LET'S TRY
SOMETHING LATER.
I HAVE AN IDEA.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BRIAN POSEHN.
THANKS, BUDDY!
THIS PERFORMER HAS BEEN
A GUEST ON MY PODCAST
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND HE HAS HIS OWN PODCAST
COMING SOON, CALLED
THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD.
PLEASE WELCOME
THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD,
MY FRIEND, GREG PROOPS!
- HI.
HELLO, DOUG.
HELLO, PEOPLE.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW,
ALL THE CABLE CHANNELS
ARE SO CONFUSING.
THEY'RE ALL NAMED ONE THING
BUT THEY NEVER SHOW
THE THING THEY'RE NAMED.
LIKE, UM... A&E.
A&E,
IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS,
STANDS FOR
"ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT."
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING
ARTY OR ENTERTAINING ON A&E?
YEAH, DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER
IS ON A&E.
YEAH, HARDLY AN OPERA
HELD IN VENICE OR WHATEVER.
IT'S A METH-HEADED MULLET
WHO BUSTS HAWAIIAN GUYS
FOR SMOKING PAKALOLO.
YOU KNOW, THE DIGGETY DANK
THAT YOU SMOKE
UNTIL YOUR EYES GO SIDEWAYS,
AND YOUR HEAD SNAPS OFF,
AND LAVA SHOOTS OUT YOUR ASS,
AND YOU HAVE SNOOP ON REDIAL.
YOU KNOW.
- YOU'RE GONNA
BE HARD TO INTERRUPT.
A LOT OF WORDS
STREAM OUT OF YOU.
THE E CHANNEL.
E.
STANDS FOR "ENTERTAINMENT."
RIGHT? AND AGAIN,
MAYBE WE'RE STRETCHING
THE DEFINITION OF
ENTERTAINMENT A LITTLE BIT.
THE KARDASHIANS
ARE ON THE E CHANNEL.
NOW I'M--DON'T GET ME WRONG,
I'M ALL FOR THE KARDASHIANS.
I LOVE THEM.
I BELIEVE IN MY HEART
THAT ANYTIME AN ARMENIAN
HOOKER VESSEL RUNS AGROUND
IN THE UNITED STATES,
ON OUR SHORES,
IT BEHOOVES US AS
A NATION TO PROVIDE THEM
WITH GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT
BY GIVING THEM A REALITY SHOW.
I--YEAH.
CALL ME A PATRIOT.
THANK YOU.
- IT HAS BEEN DECREED.
YOU DON'T GET TO SIT IN
A CHAIR LIKE THIS
UNLESS YOU GET TO MAKE
SOME IMPORTANT DECISIONS.
- NO KIDDING.
DON'T YOU THINK
YOU SHOULD HAVE A CROWN,
AND A SCEPTER, AND WHATNOT?
WELL, YOUR MIC'S
YOUR SCEPTER.
- I DON'T WANNA BE
OSTENTATIOUS ABOUT IT.
- CERTAINLY NOT.
- NO.
- HAVING ME ON A TURKISH RUG
WHILE YOU SIT IN A COMFY CHAIR
IS THE VERY HEIGHT
OF HUMILITY AND MODESTY.
- WHAT'S THE DEAL
WITH THE HISTORY CHANNEL?
I WAS ON THERE ONCE IN A SHOW
ABOUT THE HISTORY OF COMEDY.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
WAIT, WAIT,
WHICH PART SURPRISED YOU?
- NO, I'M--I'M--
- 'CAUSE I AM A PART
OF THE HISTORY OF COMEDY.
I'M PART OF
BRINGING IT DOWN.
- LET ME
UNDERSTAND THIS, DOUG.
- YES.
- THE HISTORY CHANNEL
WAS DOING A HISTORY OF--
THEY TOOK TIME OUT
FROM SHOWING, LIKE,
HITLER,
AND THE LUFTWAFFE,
AND WHATNOT
TO DO THE HISTORY OF COMEDY
AND THEY HAD YOU ON?
WERE YOU, LIKE,
A PROFESSOR
TALKING HEAD TYPE?
- YEAH, I SAID SOME--
YOU KNOW,
SOME VERY INSIGHTFUL
THINGS ABOUT GALLAGHER.
DOES THE HISTORY CHANNEL SHOW
ANYTHING ABOUT HISTORY?
- YEAH, ONCE IN A WHILE.
BUT MY POINT IS THIS,
GUYS LIKE THE HISTORY CHANNEL.
WOMEN DON'T LIKE IT THAT MUCH.
THIS IS MY IMPRESSION
OF EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD
WALKING INTO THE ROOM
WHILE THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
IS WATCHING
THE HISTORY CHANNEL.
"HEY, I THOUGHT WE'D--
OH. ."
- SO IF YOU DON'T WANNA
GO SHOPPING, OR GARDEN,
OR MANY OTHER THINGS
SHE MIGHT ASK YOU TO DO,
YOU JUST LEAVE
THE HISTORY CHANNEL ON.
- DUDE, YOU'LL
BE ALONE ALL DAY.
YOU DON'T
EVEN HAVE TO VACUUM.
YOU JUST HAVE
TO WATCH LIFETIME LATER
AND PRETEND TO BE SYMPATHETIC
WHEN SOMEONE DIES OF CANCER.
- PRETEND?
THAT'S--I'M ALL ABOUT
PEOPLE DYING--BEING SYMPA--
FORGET IT.
- YOU REALLY ARE.
THAT'S WHY I--
- I DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND.
IT'S ACTUALLY SAD.
- IT IS SAD.
- YEAH.
- NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND,
IT REALLY IS SAD.
- WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE GREG PROOPS,
AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
YEAH.
- WELCOME BACK TO
THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I WAS JUST
INTERRUPTING MR. GREG PROOPS.
WHY DON'T
WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- YOU GOT ONE
OF THOSE FANCY...?
I GOT, LIKE,
A STEAM-POWERED BLACKBERRY
FROM 1945.
YOU GOTTA POUR WATER
IN THE TOP AND WHATNOT.
- MY PHONE IS ACTUALLY
FROM THE FLINTSTONES.
THERE'S A COUPLE
OF ANIMALS INSIDE IT.
AND WHENEVER I MAKE A CALL,
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER
AND GO, "IT'S A LIVING."
I WISH HE'D QUIT TEXTING.
CHISELING IN THE MARBLE.
- THIS ONE WAS
DURING THE OLYMPICS.
THE WINTER OLYMPICS.
"CANADA, OKAY,
YOU WON IN HOCKEY.
"NOW PLAY US IN
SOMETHING WE'RE GOOD AT,
LIKE SENSELESS VIOLENCE,
AND LET'S SEE WHO PREVAILS."
- WOW,
YOU REALLY THROW IT DOWN.
- DUDE.
- IN YOUR TWEETS.
YOU'RE NOT MESSING AROUND.
- BUDDY.
WHEN IT COMES TO CANADIA,
I'M MERCILESS.
- I LOVE CANADIA.
- ME TOO.
ESPECIALLY
BRITISH COLUMBIA,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE
THEY GROW THE DIGGETY DOOKS.
- THAT GUY KNOWS.
- WITH THAT HAIRDO
AND THAT T-SHIRT,
HELL, YES, HE KNOWS.
HE'S GONNA GET US
ALL ARRESTED.
- "I JUST THOUGHT OF
A WORD FOR HUMAN BEINGS--"
LIKE, YOU KNOW HOW
WHEN YOU'RE, LIKE,
IN VEGAS OR DISNEYLAND,
PEOPLE ARE, YOU KNOW,
BARELY MOVING
IN FRONT OF YOU?
"I JUST THOUGHT OF
A WORD FOR HUMAN BEINGS
SLOW-MO SAPIENS."
- YOURS ARE ALL PUN-TASTIC.
I LOVE THAT.
I TRY NOT TO PUN-TIFICATE.
WHY DO PEOPLE
WALK SO SLOW AND FORM
A HUGE HUMAN BEEF BLOCKADE
IN FRONT OF YOU ALL THE TIME?
WHAT ARE THEY LOOKING AT?
- 'CAUSE STUFF'S GOING ON.
LIKE, PEOPLE ARE JUST
CONSTANTLY DELIGHTED
BY THE IDEA OF LIGHTS, AND
SOUNDS, AND SPARKLY THINGS.
- LIKE THE WORLD IS
THIS SWIRLING MIASMA OF FRACTALS
LIKE THE MATRIX
OR SOMETHING.
ALL THEY SEE ARE GREEN NUMERALS
RUNNING UP AND DOWN.
UNFATHOMABLE, YOU KNOW, LIKE--
- YEAH.
EAT THE BLUE PILL.
- YEAH, EXACTLY.
ALL I CAN OFFER YOU
IS THE TRUTH.
- THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
GREG PROOPS!
- THANKS.
- YOU MAY RECOGNIZE
THIS NEXT COMEDIAN
FROM HER APPEARANCE ON
PREMIUM BLEND 11 YEARS AGO.
AND YOU CAN FIND OUT IF
SHE'S COMING TO YOUR TOWN
BY GOING TO THE WEBSITE
THAT BEARS HER NAME--
WAIT FOR IT.
PLEASE WELCOME
MY FRIEND TIG NOTARO.
- HI, DOUG.
HELLO.
- BEING A FEMALE COMEDIAN,
A LOT OF PEOPLE
GIVE US A HARD TIME,
SAYING--
- IT'S THE WORST
BEING A FEMALE COMEDIAN.
I'M SICK OF IT.
THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.
BEING A FEMALE COMEDIAN.
THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE ONE.
- DEPENDS ON THE ANGLE.
- WHAT?
- WHOO!
- WHOO!
- WELL, I'M CURIOUS, WHAT ANGLE
MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A FEMALE?
- THIS ONE RIGHT NOW.
YOU TOTALLY LOOK LADYLIKE.
- WOW.
- YEAH.
- GET HER LADY SIDE.
LET'S MAKE SURE WE--
HELLO.
IN A SIMPLE SPIN, SHE GOES
BOY, LADY, SUPERMODEL.
- IT WAS NOT A SIMPLE SPIN.
PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE
FEMALE COMEDIANS A HARD TIME,
SAYING ALL WE EVER DO
IS MAKE JOKES ABOUT THINGS
LIKE GOING
TO THE GYNECOLOGIST.
- TOTALLY TRUE.
- BUT I DON'T.
I MEAN, I DON'T GO.
- THAT'S A WAY TO PUT
A STOP TO THAT PROBLEM.
YOU'LL NEVER TELL JOKES
ABOUT IT IF YOU NEVER GO.
- NO, I DO GO.
- I GO ALL THE TIME.
- LIKE TODAY?
- YEAH.
- AND THEN I'M TRYING
TO GET MY DOCTOR
TO SEE ME AGAIN TOMORROW.
I WANT CONSTANT UPDATES.
WHAT'S MORE DISGUSTING?
NEVER GOING
OR GOING ALL THE TIME?
THE ANSWER IS BOTH.
- I HAD MY ANSWER.
BUT THAT'S A GOOD ONE TOO.
- WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER?
- THE FIRST ONE.
- THE FIRST ONE
IS GROSSER?
NEVER GOING?
- NEVER GOING IS PRETTY GROSS.
GOING ALL THE TIME,
THAT'S GONNA BE...
THAT'S GONNA BE CLEAN
AS A WHISTLE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH TIG NOTARO
AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS!
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WITH TIG NOTARO.
- NOW, DOUG, I HAVE TO SAY
I KNOW THAT
YOU'VE BEEN TWEETING.
- YEAH, WE HAVE TWEET-OFFS
WITH THE PEOPLE
THAT COME OUT HERE.
- CAN YOU
STOP INTERRUPTING ME?
- WHEN, NOW?
- NO, IN A MINUTE.
- I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
- NO, YEAH, I DON'T--
I'M NOT--I DON'T HAVE A--
- HAS IT BEEN A MINUTE YET?
- 20 MORE SEC--
- YOU DON'T TWEET.
YOU DON'T TWEET.
YOU'RE ONE OF THE COMEDIANS
THAT DOESN'T TWEET.
- I DON'T TWEET.
- SO WE'RE LIKE,
"LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF,"
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I CAN'T DO THAT."
- BUT I THOUGHT
THAT I WOULD...
I--WHAT I DO DO IS, UM...
I DO TEXT PEOPLE.
- SO YOU WANNA,
LIKE, HAVE A TEXT OFF?
YOU WANNA READ SOME TEXTS
THAT YOU WOULD--
- YEAH, I'D RATHER--
LIKE, I'D LIKE YOU TO TWEET.
YOU KNOW,
READ ME YOUR TWEETS,
AND I WOULD LIKE
TO READ YOU MY TEXTS.
- OKAY.
- MY TEXTS THAT HAVE BEEN--
THAT HAVE PROVEN
TO BE WILDLY POPULAR.
OVER THE YEARS.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
- ALL RIGHT, THIS WAS ONE
WHEN I WAS LEAVING MY HOUSE.
"ON MY WAY."
- THEY LOVE YOUR TEXTS.
- THEY'RE REALLY GOOD.
I'LL GIVE MY NUMBER
OUT TO ANYBODY.
- "THE RE-RELEASE OF AVATAR
"WILL FEATURE NINE MINUTES
OF NEW FOOTAGE.
YAY! NINE MORE MINUTES
OF NAP TIME."
DO YOU HAVE, LIKE,
ONE OF YOUR HEAVIER TEXTS
THAT YOU'VE WRITTEN?
LIKE, THAT'S REALLY KIND
OF PHILOSOPHICAL AND DEEP?
- EASY.
- ALL RIGHT.
LET'S HEAR IT.
LIKE, SET UP THE SITUATION
IN WHICH YOU TEXTED IT,
AND THEN WHAT YOU WROTE.
- WELL,
THIS WAS IN RESPONSE...
GOD--I CAN'T--I DON'T EVEN
FEEL COMFORTABLE SAYING WHAT...
- SOMEBODY WROTE
SOMETHING TO YOU...
- THAT WAS PRETTY INTENSE.
- AND THEN YOU RESPONDED.
- "'KAY."
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TIG NOTARO!
REMEMBER TO
FLOSS AFTER EVERY MEAL.
GOOD NIGHT!
- MAKEUP.
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
JUST BLOCK EVERYTHING OUT.
- HEY, BUDDY,
THANKS FOR DOING MY SHOW.
IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.
I'M BRINGING YOU OUT
IN A FEW MINUTES.
I'M GONNA TRY TO INTERRUPT YOU
DURING EVERY JOKE YOU TELL.
GOOD LUCK!
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO
THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE MY FRIENDS DON'T MIND
BEING INTERRUPTED
AS FAR AS I KNOW.
ONE OF MY COMEDIAN FRIENDS
IS GONNA COME OUT
AND STAND RIGHT HERE
AND TELL A JOKE,
LIKE, "I FINALLY SAW WALL
MONEY NEVER SLEEPS
"WHICH MEANS MONEY NEVER SAW
MONEY NEVER SLEEPS."
AND THEN I'M GONNA SIT
IN THAT CHAIR RIGHT THERE
AND INTERRUPT THEM
WITH SOMETHING LIKE,
"MONEY CAN'T SLEEP
OR WATCH MOVIES.
YOUR HUMOR IS ABSURD."
ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU GUYS READY
TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
YEAH.
THIS COMEDIAN'S LATEST CD
IS CALLED
FART AND WEINER JOKES.
AND YOU CAN SEE HIM
IN THE UPCOMING FILM,
LLOYD THE CONQUEROR.
I THINK THAT'S MADE UP.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND,
BRIAN POSEHN!
- ALL RIGHT,
SO I JUST HAD A BABY.
UM...
- WHOO!
- YAY.
YEAH.
- THAT'S AWESOME.
NOBODY ELSE DOES THAT.
- WE JUST DID IT FROM.
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
- YOU'RE SO SPECIAL.
- YEAH.
- THAT'S HOW YOU DID IT?
- YEAH, JUST FROM
PENIS AND VAGINA.
- THAT'S ALL IT TAKES?
A LOT OF PEOPLE
HAVE TO GO SEE A DOCTOR.
- NUH.
- YOU GOT THE JOB DONE.
- MY WIFE HAS
A GOOD VAGINA, APPARENTLY.
I DON'T KNOW.
MY PENIS, I DON'T KNOW SO MUCH.
- SO ANYWAY...
IT'S ALREADY FUN!
- THEY WORKED WELL TOGETHER.
- BEING INTERRUPTED.
- YOUR PENIS AND HER VAGINA.
YOU HAVE A BABY.
- GOD DAMN IT, REALLY?
- YEAH.
IT'S THE BENSON INTERRUPTION.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
- NOT THE BENSON
LETS BRIAN TALK.
- YOU SON OF A BITCH.
WHY'D I SAY YES TO THIS?
ANYWAY.
- SO IF YOU KNOW ME,
AS YOU DO, I USED TO--
- I WON'T INTERRUPT ANYMORE.
I PROMISE.
- GOD!
- THAT WAS THE LAST ONE
FOR THE NIGHT.
I'M JUST GONNA SIT HERE AND
HOLD A MICROPHONE TO MY FACE.
- IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.
SO NOW, BUT IT'S HARD,
BECAUSE I USED
TO BE ONE OF THOSE COMEDIANS
THAT HATED OTHER COMEDIANS
THAT TALKED
ABOUT THEIR BABY, RIGHT?
- IT'S THE WORST.
AS SOON AS A COMEDIAN HAS A BABY
THEY'RE NO LONGER FUNNY.
- YEAH.
NO, HE'S RIGHT.
THEY'LL BE LIKE,
EDGY,
AND SUPER FUNNY,
AND LIKE, HAVE
HILARIOUS ABORTION MATERIAL.
AND THEN...
- WHAT--THEY--
- WAIT, WHO HAS
HILARIOUS ABORTION MATERIAL?
- A LOT OF GUYS.
ANYWAY...
- AND LADIES.
LET'S BE FAIR.
- BUT YEAH, I USED TO HATE,
LIKE, WHEN GUYS WOULD CHANGE
AND THEY'D BE LIKE, "AND
NOW I LOOKED INTO MY BABY EYES
AND IT WAS SO PRECIOUS,
AND BEH, BEH, BEH," RIGHT?
AND I USED TO SAY,
LIKE, IF I EVER DO THAT,
IF YOU EVER SEE ME HAVE A BABY
AND THEN I'M UP ON STAGE,
LIKE, "AND MY BABY
CHANGED MY LIFE
AND DEH, DEH,
DEH, DEH, DEH,"
I USED TO SAY THAT IF I DO THAT
I WANT YOU TO PUNCH MY BABY.
- IS YOUR BABY HERE NOW?
- NO.
- IT'S A GOOD THING
'CAUSE YOU JUST
TOLD ME TO PUNCH YOUR BABY.
- NO, I KNOW!
AND THAT JOKE
WAS WRITTEN PRE-BABY.
- AND NOW YOU HAVE A BABY,
YOU DON'T WANNA GET HIM PUNCHED.
- NO, I WOULD LIKE FOR
HIM TO REMAIN UNPUNCHED
FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.
AND I KNOW
HAVING THESE GENES,
THAT'S NOT
GONNA WORK OUT FOR HIM.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
LIKE, WHEN HE'S TEN?
CAN I PUNCH HIM
WHEN HE'S TEN?
- SURE.
BUT NO, I'M--
DID I SAY THAT?
YEAH.
I'M JUST AFRAID--
- IT'S OFFICIAL,
IT'S ON TELEVISION.
- YEAH.
I'M JUST AFRAID
HE'S GONNA BE, LIKE, 15,
AND HE'S
GONNA BE AT SCHOOL,
HE'S GONNA BE
THE GOOFY-LOOKING KID,
AND HE'S GONNA
BE READING STEPHEN KING
UNDER A TREE AT LUNCH.
AND SOME JOCK'S
GONNA WALK UP AND GO,
"WHY YOU READING
AT SCHOOL, ?"
PUNCH.
IT HAPPENED TO POPS, SO...
THE BIGGEST THING,
THOUGH, FOR HAVING A KID
THAT I'M GOING THROUGH--
LIKE, THE WEIRDEST THING
IS, LIKE, WHEN DO I SHARE
MY NERDY OBSESSIONS WITH MY KID?
LIKE, WHEN DO
I PLAY METAL FOR HIM?
LIKE, WHEN DO I PLAY SLAYER
FOR HIM, YOU KNOW?
AND, LIKE, WHEN DO I TURN
HIM ON TO HORROR MOVIES?
LIKE, IS ONE TOO YOUNG TO
SEE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD?
OR, YOU KNOW...
OR DO YOU WAIT TILL HE'S,
LIKE, TWO AND THREE
AND GETS BLACK AND WHITE.
AND THE BIG THING IS...
LIKE, THE ONE THING
THAT I'M REALLY--
THAT'S REALLY
SCREWING ME UP IS
WHEN DO I PLAY WEIRD AL
FOR MY KID?
LIKE...
YES.
I LOVE WEIRD AL.
BUT HERE'S THE THING,
AND DO YOU FIRST--
- DO YOU PLAY HIM
THE ORIGINALS?
RIGHT, DO YOU
PLAY HIM, LIKE, QUEEN
AND GO, "BUDDY,
THIS IS A GREAT BAND.
"BRIAN MAY,
FREDDIE MERCURY.
"THEY DID ANOTHER ONE
BITES THE DUST.
"NOW THIS IS WEIRD AL'S
HILARIOUS VERSION,
ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS."
- BECAUSE QUEEN FORGOT
TO USE AN ACCORDION
IN THEIR RECORDING.
- RIGHT.
OR DO YOU
DO WHAT I'M GONNA DO,
AND PRESENT
ALL WEIRD AL MUSIC
LIKE IT'S
ALL COMPLETELY ORIGINAL?
YEAH.
SO THE FIRST TIME
HE'S AT A PARTY
AND HE HEARS,
LIKE, MICHAEL JACKSON,
AND HE'S LIKE,
"WHAT THE IS THIS?"
- WHO COVERED AL YANKOVIC
AND THEN MADE
THE WORDS NOT FUNNY?
- THIS SOUNDS EXACTLY
LIKE EAT IT.
- BUT IT'S NOT
AS FUNNY AS EAT IT.
THIS GUY
RUINED A FUNNY SONG.
- THIS MICHAEL JACKSON
OWES WEIRD AL SOME MONEY.
- WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE BRIAN POSEHN
AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- OKAY.
- LET'S DO IT.
YOU WANNA GO FIRST?
- SURE.
- ALL RIGHT, READ A TWEET.
- "I WAS STOPPED BY A DRUG DOG
AT AN AIRPORT LAST NIGHT.
"I WASN'T HOLDING.
APPARENTLY, THEY
CAN SMELL MY BLOODSTREAM."
- "MY LEFT EYE IS 0/0,
BUT MY RIGHT ONE IS 20/20.
HASH TAG,
TWEETS FROM A PIRATE."
- WHAT AN IDIOT.
SIX BACHELORETTE PARTIES
AT MY EARLY SHOW.
GOOD IDEA, LADIES.
GO WATCH THREE UGLY GUYS
TALK ABOUT THEIR
FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.
LIKE, SERIOUSLY, IF YOU'RE
IN A BACHELORETTE PARTY,
GO WATCH A DUDE
TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF,
DON'T GO TO A
COMEDY SHOW, RIGHT, BUDDY?
- YEAH, YEAH.
THEY RUIN COMEDY SHOWS
'CAUSE THEY SCREAM,
"TALK ABOUT US!"
AND, LIKE, WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO SAY ABOUT YOU?
ONE OF YOU IS GETTING MARRIED,
AND... SO WHAT?
- BALLOONS SHAPED LIKE DILDOS ON
THEIR HEAD AND STUFF.
- YEAH, JUST EAT YOUR
CAKE AND SHUT UP.
- EXACTLY.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE?
- "BE SURE TO EAT A BIG MEAL
BEFORE SEEING JACKASS 3D,
SO THAT YOU'LL
HAVE PLENTY TO THROW UP."
- MY GOD, THAT'S DISGUSTING.
BUT... BUT FUNNY.
- YEAH, A LOT OF BALLS AND...
- I--BALLS
DON'T MAKE ME THROW UP.
A GUY SITTING IN A--
- WELL, LET'S TRY
SOMETHING LATER.
I HAVE AN IDEA.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BRIAN POSEHN.
THANKS, BUDDY!
THIS PERFORMER HAS BEEN
A GUEST ON MY PODCAST
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND HE HAS HIS OWN PODCAST
COMING SOON, CALLED
THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD.
PLEASE WELCOME
THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD,
MY FRIEND, GREG PROOPS!
- HI.
HELLO, DOUG.
HELLO, PEOPLE.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW,
ALL THE CABLE CHANNELS
ARE SO CONFUSING.
THEY'RE ALL NAMED ONE THING
BUT THEY NEVER SHOW
THE THING THEY'RE NAMED.
LIKE, UM... A&E.
A&E,
IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS,
STANDS FOR
"ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT."
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING
ARTY OR ENTERTAINING ON A&E?
YEAH, DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER
IS ON A&E.
YEAH, HARDLY AN OPERA
HELD IN VENICE OR WHATEVER.
IT'S A METH-HEADED MULLET
WHO BUSTS HAWAIIAN GUYS
FOR SMOKING PAKALOLO.
YOU KNOW, THE DIGGETY DANK
THAT YOU SMOKE
UNTIL YOUR EYES GO SIDEWAYS,
AND YOUR HEAD SNAPS OFF,
AND LAVA SHOOTS OUT YOUR ASS,
AND YOU HAVE SNOOP ON REDIAL.
YOU KNOW.
- YOU'RE GONNA
BE HARD TO INTERRUPT.
A LOT OF WORDS
STREAM OUT OF YOU.
THE E CHANNEL.
E.
STANDS FOR "ENTERTAINMENT."
RIGHT? AND AGAIN,
MAYBE WE'RE STRETCHING
THE DEFINITION OF
ENTERTAINMENT A LITTLE BIT.
THE KARDASHIANS
ARE ON THE E CHANNEL.
NOW I'M--DON'T GET ME WRONG,
I'M ALL FOR THE KARDASHIANS.
I LOVE THEM.
I BELIEVE IN MY HEART
THAT ANYTIME AN ARMENIAN
HOOKER VESSEL RUNS AGROUND
IN THE UNITED STATES,
ON OUR SHORES,
IT BEHOOVES US AS
A NATION TO PROVIDE THEM
WITH GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT
BY GIVING THEM A REALITY SHOW.
I--YEAH.
CALL ME A PATRIOT.
THANK YOU.
- IT HAS BEEN DECREED.
YOU DON'T GET TO SIT IN
A CHAIR LIKE THIS
UNLESS YOU GET TO MAKE
SOME IMPORTANT DECISIONS.
- NO KIDDING.
DON'T YOU THINK
YOU SHOULD HAVE A CROWN,
AND A SCEPTER, AND WHATNOT?
WELL, YOUR MIC'S
YOUR SCEPTER.
- I DON'T WANNA BE
OSTENTATIOUS ABOUT IT.
- CERTAINLY NOT.
- NO.
- HAVING ME ON A TURKISH RUG
WHILE YOU SIT IN A COMFY CHAIR
IS THE VERY HEIGHT
OF HUMILITY AND MODESTY.
- WHAT'S THE DEAL
WITH THE HISTORY CHANNEL?
I WAS ON THERE ONCE IN A SHOW
ABOUT THE HISTORY OF COMEDY.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
WAIT, WAIT,
WHICH PART SURPRISED YOU?
- NO, I'M--I'M--
- 'CAUSE I AM A PART
OF THE HISTORY OF COMEDY.
I'M PART OF
BRINGING IT DOWN.
- LET ME
UNDERSTAND THIS, DOUG.
- YES.
- THE HISTORY CHANNEL
WAS DOING A HISTORY OF--
THEY TOOK TIME OUT
FROM SHOWING, LIKE,
HITLER,
AND THE LUFTWAFFE,
AND WHATNOT
TO DO THE HISTORY OF COMEDY
AND THEY HAD YOU ON?
WERE YOU, LIKE,
A PROFESSOR
TALKING HEAD TYPE?
- YEAH, I SAID SOME--
YOU KNOW,
SOME VERY INSIGHTFUL
THINGS ABOUT GALLAGHER.
DOES THE HISTORY CHANNEL SHOW
ANYTHING ABOUT HISTORY?
- YEAH, ONCE IN A WHILE.
BUT MY POINT IS THIS,
GUYS LIKE THE HISTORY CHANNEL.
WOMEN DON'T LIKE IT THAT MUCH.
THIS IS MY IMPRESSION
OF EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD
WALKING INTO THE ROOM
WHILE THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
IS WATCHING
THE HISTORY CHANNEL.
"HEY, I THOUGHT WE'D--
OH. ."
- SO IF YOU DON'T WANNA
GO SHOPPING, OR GARDEN,
OR MANY OTHER THINGS
SHE MIGHT ASK YOU TO DO,
YOU JUST LEAVE
THE HISTORY CHANNEL ON.
- DUDE, YOU'LL
BE ALONE ALL DAY.
YOU DON'T
EVEN HAVE TO VACUUM.
YOU JUST HAVE
TO WATCH LIFETIME LATER
AND PRETEND TO BE SYMPATHETIC
WHEN SOMEONE DIES OF CANCER.
- PRETEND?
THAT'S--I'M ALL ABOUT
PEOPLE DYING--BEING SYMPA--
FORGET IT.
- YOU REALLY ARE.
THAT'S WHY I--
- I DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND.
IT'S ACTUALLY SAD.
- IT IS SAD.
- YEAH.
- NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND,
IT REALLY IS SAD.
- WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE GREG PROOPS,
AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
YEAH.
- WELCOME BACK TO
THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I WAS JUST
INTERRUPTING MR. GREG PROOPS.
WHY DON'T
WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- YOU GOT ONE
OF THOSE FANCY...?
I GOT, LIKE,
A STEAM-POWERED BLACKBERRY
FROM 1945.
YOU GOTTA POUR WATER
IN THE TOP AND WHATNOT.
- MY PHONE IS ACTUALLY
FROM THE FLINTSTONES.
THERE'S A COUPLE
OF ANIMALS INSIDE IT.
AND WHENEVER I MAKE A CALL,
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER
AND GO, "IT'S A LIVING."
I WISH HE'D QUIT TEXTING.
CHISELING IN THE MARBLE.
- THIS ONE WAS
DURING THE OLYMPICS.
THE WINTER OLYMPICS.
"CANADA, OKAY,
YOU WON IN HOCKEY.
"NOW PLAY US IN
SOMETHING WE'RE GOOD AT,
LIKE SENSELESS VIOLENCE,
AND LET'S SEE WHO PREVAILS."
- WOW,
YOU REALLY THROW IT DOWN.
- DUDE.
- IN YOUR TWEETS.
YOU'RE NOT MESSING AROUND.
- BUDDY.
WHEN IT COMES TO CANADIA,
I'M MERCILESS.
- I LOVE CANADIA.
- ME TOO.
ESPECIALLY
BRITISH COLUMBIA,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE
THEY GROW THE DIGGETY DOOKS.
- THAT GUY KNOWS.
- WITH THAT HAIRDO
AND THAT T-SHIRT,
HELL, YES, HE KNOWS.
HE'S GONNA GET US
ALL ARRESTED.
- "I JUST THOUGHT OF
A WORD FOR HUMAN BEINGS--"
LIKE, YOU KNOW HOW
WHEN YOU'RE, LIKE,
IN VEGAS OR DISNEYLAND,
PEOPLE ARE, YOU KNOW,
BARELY MOVING
IN FRONT OF YOU?
"I JUST THOUGHT OF
A WORD FOR HUMAN BEINGS
SLOW-MO SAPIENS."
- YOURS ARE ALL PUN-TASTIC.
I LOVE THAT.
I TRY NOT TO PUN-TIFICATE.
WHY DO PEOPLE
WALK SO SLOW AND FORM
A HUGE HUMAN BEEF BLOCKADE
IN FRONT OF YOU ALL THE TIME?
WHAT ARE THEY LOOKING AT?
- 'CAUSE STUFF'S GOING ON.
LIKE, PEOPLE ARE JUST
CONSTANTLY DELIGHTED
BY THE IDEA OF LIGHTS, AND
SOUNDS, AND SPARKLY THINGS.
- LIKE THE WORLD IS
THIS SWIRLING MIASMA OF FRACTALS
LIKE THE MATRIX
OR SOMETHING.
ALL THEY SEE ARE GREEN NUMERALS
RUNNING UP AND DOWN.
UNFATHOMABLE, YOU KNOW, LIKE--
- YEAH.
EAT THE BLUE PILL.
- YEAH, EXACTLY.
ALL I CAN OFFER YOU
IS THE TRUTH.
- THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
GREG PROOPS!
- THANKS.
- YOU MAY RECOGNIZE
THIS NEXT COMEDIAN
FROM HER APPEARANCE ON
PREMIUM BLEND 11 YEARS AGO.
AND YOU CAN FIND OUT IF
SHE'S COMING TO YOUR TOWN
BY GOING TO THE WEBSITE
THAT BEARS HER NAME--
WAIT FOR IT.
PLEASE WELCOME
MY FRIEND TIG NOTARO.
- HI, DOUG.
HELLO.
- BEING A FEMALE COMEDIAN,
A LOT OF PEOPLE
GIVE US A HARD TIME,
SAYING--
- IT'S THE WORST
BEING A FEMALE COMEDIAN.
I'M SICK OF IT.
THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.
BEING A FEMALE COMEDIAN.
THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE ONE.
- DEPENDS ON THE ANGLE.
- WHAT?
- WHOO!
- WHOO!
- WELL, I'M CURIOUS, WHAT ANGLE
MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A FEMALE?
- THIS ONE RIGHT NOW.
YOU TOTALLY LOOK LADYLIKE.
- WOW.
- YEAH.
- GET HER LADY SIDE.
LET'S MAKE SURE WE--
HELLO.
IN A SIMPLE SPIN, SHE GOES
BOY, LADY, SUPERMODEL.
- IT WAS NOT A SIMPLE SPIN.
PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE
FEMALE COMEDIANS A HARD TIME,
SAYING ALL WE EVER DO
IS MAKE JOKES ABOUT THINGS
LIKE GOING
TO THE GYNECOLOGIST.
- TOTALLY TRUE.
- BUT I DON'T.
I MEAN, I DON'T GO.
- THAT'S A WAY TO PUT
A STOP TO THAT PROBLEM.
YOU'LL NEVER TELL JOKES
ABOUT IT IF YOU NEVER GO.
- NO, I DO GO.
- I GO ALL THE TIME.
- LIKE TODAY?
- YEAH.
- AND THEN I'M TRYING
TO GET MY DOCTOR
TO SEE ME AGAIN TOMORROW.
I WANT CONSTANT UPDATES.
WHAT'S MORE DISGUSTING?
NEVER GOING
OR GOING ALL THE TIME?
THE ANSWER IS BOTH.
- I HAD MY ANSWER.
BUT THAT'S A GOOD ONE TOO.
- WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER?
- THE FIRST ONE.
- THE FIRST ONE
IS GROSSER?
NEVER GOING?
- NEVER GOING IS PRETTY GROSS.
GOING ALL THE TIME,
THAT'S GONNA BE...
THAT'S GONNA BE CLEAN
AS A WHISTLE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH TIG NOTARO
AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS!
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WITH TIG NOTARO.
- NOW, DOUG, I HAVE TO SAY
I KNOW THAT
YOU'VE BEEN TWEETING.
- YEAH, WE HAVE TWEET-OFFS
WITH THE PEOPLE
THAT COME OUT HERE.
- CAN YOU
STOP INTERRUPTING ME?
- WHEN, NOW?
- NO, IN A MINUTE.
- I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
- NO, YEAH, I DON'T--
I'M NOT--I DON'T HAVE A--
- HAS IT BEEN A MINUTE YET?
- 20 MORE SEC--
- YOU DON'T TWEET.
YOU DON'T TWEET.
YOU'RE ONE OF THE COMEDIANS
THAT DOESN'T TWEET.
- I DON'T TWEET.
- SO WE'RE LIKE,
"LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF,"
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I CAN'T DO THAT."
- BUT I THOUGHT
THAT I WOULD...
I--WHAT I DO DO IS, UM...
I DO TEXT PEOPLE.
- SO YOU WANNA,
LIKE, HAVE A TEXT OFF?
YOU WANNA READ SOME TEXTS
THAT YOU WOULD--
- YEAH, I'D RATHER--
LIKE, I'D LIKE YOU TO TWEET.
YOU KNOW,
READ ME YOUR TWEETS,
AND I WOULD LIKE
TO READ YOU MY TEXTS.
- OKAY.
- MY TEXTS THAT HAVE BEEN--
THAT HAVE PROVEN
TO BE WILDLY POPULAR.
OVER THE YEARS.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
- ALL RIGHT, THIS WAS ONE
WHEN I WAS LEAVING MY HOUSE.
"ON MY WAY."
- THEY LOVE YOUR TEXTS.
- THEY'RE REALLY GOOD.
I'LL GIVE MY NUMBER
OUT TO ANYBODY.
- "THE RE-RELEASE OF AVATAR
"WILL FEATURE NINE MINUTES
OF NEW FOOTAGE.
YAY! NINE MORE MINUTES
OF NAP TIME."
DO YOU HAVE, LIKE,
ONE OF YOUR HEAVIER TEXTS
THAT YOU'VE WRITTEN?
LIKE, THAT'S REALLY KIND
OF PHILOSOPHICAL AND DEEP?
- EASY.
- ALL RIGHT.
LET'S HEAR IT.
LIKE, SET UP THE SITUATION
IN WHICH YOU TEXTED IT,
AND THEN WHAT YOU WROTE.
- WELL,
THIS WAS IN RESPONSE...
GOD--I CAN'T--I DON'T EVEN
FEEL COMFORTABLE SAYING WHAT...
- SOMEBODY WROTE
SOMETHING TO YOU...
- THAT WAS PRETTY INTENSE.
- AND THEN YOU RESPONDED.
- "'KAY."
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TIG NOTARO!
REMEMBER TO
FLOSS AFTER EVERY MEAL.
GOOD NIGHT!
- MAKEUP.