The Benson Interruption (2010–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION
WHERE TWO COMEDIANS
ARE GIVEN MICROPHONES,
BUT ONLY ONE
IS A PRODUCER OF THE SHOW.
A COMEDIAN WILL STAND RIGHT HERE
AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"I FINALLY GOT THE JOKE.
I REALIZE THAT FOCKER
SOUNDS A LOT LIKE ****."
IT DOES.
AND THEN--
AND THEN I'LL BE SITTING
IN THAT CHAIR,
AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"I JUST REALIZED
THAT YOU'RE A FOCKING IDIOT."
ALL RIGHT,
ARE YOU GUYS READY
TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
THIS ACTOR-COMEDIAN
HAS BEEN A GUEST
ON MY PODCAST
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND YOU KNOW HIM
FROM THE MOVIE 17 AGAIN
AND FROM THE CLASSIC TV
SKETCH SHOW THE STATE.
PLEASE WELCOME
MY FRIEND THOMAS LENNON.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, DOUG BENSON.
MY GOD.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME,
AND I CAN TELL
THAT YOU'RE THINKING THIS,
WHICH IS THAT,
IF KATE GOSSELIN'S HAIR
AND ADOLF HITLER'S HAIR
HAD A BABY...
- THAT WOULD BE REALLY WEIRD
FOR HAIR TO BE HAVING BABIES.
- I THOUGHT A LITTLE BIT
THAT MY HAIR LOOKED
LIKE KATE GOSSELIN AND HITLER,
BUT THE FACT
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO FINISH
THAT JOKE PROVES
THAT IT WAS 100% **** TRUE.
- DO YOU KNOW
ANY K.D. LANG SONGS?
- UM...
- IS YOUR HAIR THIS WAY
FOR A ROLE?
OR DO YOU HAVE IT THIS WAY
JUST TO INSULT YOURSELF?
- I DID WANT TO SAY
VERY SINCERELY
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART,
IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK
ON COMEDY CENTRAL, UM, AFTER--
- YEAH.
- THANK YOU.
- IT'S GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK.
WHAT DID YOU DO
FOR COMEDY CENTRAL?
- REFRESH OUR MEMORIES.
- AFTER 88 EPISODES
OF RENO 911...
IN EXCHANGE, I GET TONIGHT,
FOR DOING THIS SHOW,
A iPOD DOCKING STATION
WITH A POT LEAF STUCK TO IT.
SO THAT'S WORTH PRETTY MUCH
MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.
- I LIKE THAT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN
SOMEBODY DO THAT.
LIKE, "THAT'S THE END
OF THAT JOKE."
- THAT'S--DOUG--
- I'M GONNA START SWINGING
THE MICROPHONE AROUND.
- THAT'S THE WAY
THEY TEACH YOU TO DO STANDUP
IN ESPANA
WHERE THE MATADORS...
IT SHOWS THE JOKE
THAT IT'S NOT IN CHARGE OF YOU.
I DON'T KNOW
IF IT'S MY AGE OR WHAT,
BUT PRETTY RECENTLY
I FOUND MYSELF
IN A RITE AID,
HOLDING A BOX
OF JUST FOR MEN
AND ASKING THE MANAGER,
"HEY, DOES THIS WORK ON PUBES?"
I HOPE THAT, IF I EVER HAVE
TO GO TO PRISON,
IT'S LEPRECHAUN PRISON.
- I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS
ALREADY.
- OKAY, GO.
- THERE ARE PRISONS
FOR JUST LEPRECHAUNS?
- IN MY MIND,
I FEEL LIKE I'M--
I'M KING BITCH
OF LEPRECHAUN PRISON, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, WHO'S GONNA TAKE ME DOWN
AT LEPRECHAUN PRISON?
NOBODY.
- YEAH, THEY'RE ALL LIKE--
THEY'RE NOT GONNA SHIV YOU
BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY
HIDING THEIR GOLD.
- IT'S REAL--
FOR ME, IT WAS JUST
'CAUSE I'M SO--
I'M BIG COMPARED TO THEM.
- YOU'RE TALLER THAN THEM.
- YEAH.
- NOW I GET IT.
AND YOU'RE SENSITIVE
TO LITTLE PEOPLE'S CONCERNS,
SO THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T SAY
**** PRISON.
- YOU CAN'T SAY ****
ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
WATCH. ****.
- YOU SAY LEPRECHAUN PRISON.
THEY'RE GONNA BLEEP OUT
WHEN WE SAY ****?
- WATCH.
****.
GO HOME AND TIVO THIS.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT THING
THAT I JUST SAID.
'CAUSE IT DIDN'T
**** EXIST.
MY SON IS--
HE'S AN INFANT BASICALLY.
HE'S ALMOST A TODDLER,
BUT THEY SAY YOU CAN'T START
EARLY ENOUGH
WITH LANGUAGE,
SO, UM,
EVERY NIGHT
BEFORE WE GO TO BED,
I HOLD HIM, AND I GET
WHERE HE CAN SEE MY MOUTH,
AND I HOLD HIM CLOSE,
AND I SAY,
"AVENGE MY DEATH!
"AVENGE MY DEATH!
"UTHER, IT WAS
WHAT POISONED YOUR FATHER.
"WASH THIS LANCE IN BLOOD
"TILL IT BEARS
THE BITTEREST FRUIT.
AVENGE ME, BOY."
- NEXT TOPIC.
- I HAVE A COUPLE OF,
GOOGLE ALERTS ABOUT MYSELF.
EVERYBODY HAS GOOGLE ALERTS
ABOUT THEMSELVES.
YOU KNOW, GOOGLE--THAT--
YOU CAN TYPE ANY SENTENCE,
ANY COMBINATION OF WORDS,
PUT IT INTO GOOGLE
IN QUOTATION MARKS
AND YOU'LL GET AN EMAIL
ABOUT IT
ANYTIME THOSE WORDS
ARE--ARE--ARE WRITTEN OUT
ANYWHERE IN THE INTERNET--
IN THE NEWS,
OR IN A BLOG,
OR ANYTHING.
I WANTED TO HAVE
ONE GOOGLE ALERT
THAT I COULD MAKE HAPPEN
ANYTIME I WANT,
SO I HAVE "TOM LENNON
"ARRESTED FOR BREAK DANCING
OUTSIDE KOO KOO ROO
WITH A RAGING BONER."
SO I HAD--
THAT ONE'S ALREADY SET.
ON THE OFF CHANCE
THAT I DO THAT...
ON THE WAY HOME TONIGHT.
- LIKE, IN RE--
LIKE, IN REPORTING
ON THE INCIDENT,
SOMEONE WOULD USE
THE WORD "RAGING"...
LIKE, THAT'S NO REGULAR BONER.
THAT GUY'S BONER
WAS RAGING.
- WELL, YEAH.
YEAH. YEAH, DOUG.
- THAT WAS
A RAGIN' CAJUN BONER.
- YEAH, UM, IT PROBABLY WAS
'CAUSE IT MADE THE NEWS.
- HA HA HA HA!
STUPID.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE TOM LENNON
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I CAN'T STOP INTERRUPTING
THOMAS LENNON.
I CAN'T STOP, BUDDY.
HEY, LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- ALL RIGHT.
- LET'S DO IT.
- THAT'S LIKE THE LEAST
OFFENSIVE QUEEF IMAGINABLE.
- YEAH, IT'S VERY UPBEAT.
- OTHER THAN, LIKE, SMURFETTE.
- I SMELL--
I SMELL BLUEBERRIES.
DID, SMURFETTE QUEEF?
- DOUG, GO.
- VERY GOOD.
VERY GOOD.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TOM LENNON!
THANK YOU, TOM.
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE
THIS HILARIOUS GENTLEMAN
FROM
THE COMEDY CENTRAL SHOW
MICHAEL AND MICHAEL
HAVE ISSUES.
OOH, WHICH--
WHICH MICHAEL IS HE?
AND YOU CAN SEE HIM
IN THE FILM
KIDS IN AMERICA.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
MICHAEL IAN BLACK!
- HI, EVERYBODY.
SO I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD
TO TODAY.
AS I WAS GOING OUTSIDE,
I SAW A GUY
RIDING BY ON A UNICYCLE,
AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
"THIS IS GOING TO BE
A TERRIBLE DAY."
- WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE?
SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
- I FORGIVE YOU.
- IT LOOKS LIKE THIS.
RIGHT?
- YEAH, THEY ALWAYS ACT LIKE,
"NO BIG DEAL.
THIS THING THAT I..."
- NO.
- "TOOK ME YEARS TO LEARN."
- "THIS IS JUST--
"I'M JUST RIDING A UNICYCLE.
"THIS IS JUST
MY PREFERRED
MODE OF TRANSPORTATION."
"WHAT'S UP?"
AND SO I LOOKED AT HIM
THE WAY I ALWAYS LOOK
AT PEOPLE ON UNICYCLES,
AND IT'S A LOOK THAT I CAN--
IT CAN BEST BE DESCRIBED
AS "WITH DISGUST."
RIGHT? AND THIS
LITTLE INVOLUNTARY NOISE
CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH.
AND THE NOISE WAS THIS.
UGHHH.
AND HE HEARD ME.
I COULD TELL HE HEARD ME
'CAUSE HE GAVE ME A LOOK.
AND THE LOOK WAS LIKE...
EXCEPT HE WAS
RIDING THE UNICYCLE,
SO IT WAS LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE THAN
THE GUY ON THE UNICYCLE?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE GUY
ON THE RECUMBENT BICYCLE?
I HATE THAT GUY.
- DO NOT GET ME STARTED
ABOUT RECUMBENCY.
HAVE YOU SEEN THAT GUY?
THE GUY WHO RIDES THE
RECUMBENT BICYCLE, LIKE THIS.
THAT SMUG ****HOLE.
- I'VE GOT A BABY ON THE BACK.
- I'M JUST RIDING
MY RECUMBENT BICYCLE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
EVERYBODY'S NOT--
BICYCLE'S LIKE THIS.
SO MUCH MORE ERGONOMIC.
I'M SAVING SO MUCH ENERGY
RIGHT NOW.
I'M SAVING SO MUCH ENERGY.
WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS
I'M GONNA SELL THE ENERGY
I'M NOT USING BACK
TO THE POWER COMPANY.
I'M MAKING MONEY RIGHT NOW
RIDING MY RECUMBENT BICYCLE.
I'M GROWING SOYBEANS
ON THE BACK.
I'M--MY LEGS ARE--
- WAIT UP, WAIT UP,
WAIT UP, WAIT UP.
- I'M GONNA PASS OUT.
MY LEGS ARE--
I CANNOT DO ANY MORE
RECUMBENT BICYCLE MATERIAL
BECAUSE I AM NOT
IN THE KIND OF SHAPE
THAT RECUMBENT BICYCLE JOKES
REQUIRE, YOU GUYS.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I WAS HOPING YOU'D DO
THE GUY FROM THE '20s
WITH THE GIANT WHEEL...
BICYCLE.
THAT GUY. DO HIM.
- ALL RIGHT.
BUT YOU KNOW,
YOU HAVE TO GET ON LIKE THIS.
- YEAH, YOU GOTTA GET ON.
- WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE
MICHAEL IAN BLACK
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I AM IN THE MIDDLE
OF INTERRUPTING
MICHAEL IAN BLACK.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- YEAH, MOTHER****.
- LET'S READ SOME TWEETS.
- I WROTE THIS ONE.
THE FILM WAS ANNOUNCED
THAT JUSTIN BIEBER'S
GONNA BE DOING IN 3-D.
- YEAH.
- DO YOU WANNA PUT ON
YOUR SPECTACLES?
- A LITTLE MORE ESOTERIC,
BUT IN MY MIND,
CHEWBACCA'S WALKING AROUND
LIKE THIS...
YOU KNOW, GOING--
- IT'D BE VERY FUNNY.
- YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO DO
A CHEWBACCA NOISE.
- I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS,
DOUG, I'M NOT A HACK.
I DO PANTOMIME.
- CHEWBACCA, NO.
RECUMBENT BICYCLE, YES.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MICHAEL IAN BLACK.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THIS PERFORMER PLAYS
PRINCIPAL CUTLER
ON HBO'S EASTBOUND & DOWN.
AND HE PLAYS THE VILLAIN
IN THE YOGI BEAR MOVIE,
WHICH I BELIEVE TECHNICALLY
IS CALLED
YOGI BEAR: 3-D.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
ANDY DALY.
- GOOD EVENING.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
GOOD EVENING, DOUG.
HELLO, AMERICA.
FOLKS, THIS IS GONNA COME
AS A SURPRISE TO YOU,
BUT WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN,
I WAS A BIT OF A NERD.
ANYWAY, WHAT I DID WAS
I WROTE A,
A HUMOR COLUMN,
OF COURSE,
FULL OF,
HILARIOUS OBSERVATIONS
ABOUT LIFE AT
BEN FRANKLIN JUNIOR HIGH.
AND--
AND I LEARNED A VERY IMPORTANT
LESSON ABOUT COMEDY
FROM THAT HUMOR COLUMN
THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU,
IF I MAY.
DURING FOOTBALL SEASON,
THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
WOULD HANG THESE UGLY
OAK TAG SIGNS
ALL OVER THE CAFETERIA
THAT SAID STUFF LIKE,
"CRUSH PARAMUS CATHOLIC,
SLAUGHTER THE BLESSED
SACRAMENT."
FUN STUFF LIKE THAT.
"MURDER A NUN."
AND THEY WOULD ALWAYS
HANG ONE OF THESE SIGNS
OVER THE CLOCK
IN THE CAFETERIA
SO YOU COULDN'T SEE
WHAT TIME IT WAS.
WELL, THAT IS HOW
THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
WANDERED INTO
THE SCOPES OF MY HUMOR GUN.
BECAUSE,
HERE'S WHAT I WROTE
IN THE, IN THE SCHOOL
NEWSPAPER ABOUT THAT.
I SAID,
"HEY, HOW COME
THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
"ALWAYS HANGS ONE OF
THEIR UGLY SIGNS
"OVER THE CAFETERIA CLOCK?
"WE CAN'T SEE
WHAT TIME IT IS,
"AND THE SIGNS DON'T EVEN WORK.
OUR FOOTBALL TEAM
STILL SUCKS."
- I'M GUESSING--
- YEAH.
- IF I MAY JUMP AHEAD
IN YOUR STORY.
- THAT'S FINE.
JUMP ALL THE WAY AT THE END.
- THAT LED TO A **** TON
OF CHEERLEADER ****.
BUT THE FALLOUT FROM
MY HILARIOUS TAKEDOWN
OF ALL OF THE STRONGEST
AND MOST POPULAR KIDS IN SCHOOL
WAS PRETTY BAD.
IT WAS BASICALLY THIS.
PICTURE A SCRAWNY,
13-YEAR-OLD ME...
WITH MY ARMS
HELD BEHIND MY BACK
BY THE CAPTAIN OF
THE FOOTBALL TEAM
WHILE, EVERYONE ON
THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
TOOK TURNS PUNCHING ME
IN THE STOMACH.
- SO IT'S JUST GIRL PUNCHES.
- YEAH, W--
GIRL PUNCHES.
MAYBE THEY DON'T HURT AS MUCH
PHYSICALLY,
BUT MENTALLY...
- HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE ANDY DALY
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I'M INTERRUPTING
ANDY DALY.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- YEAH!
- LET'S DO IT.
- DOES THE TWEET-OFF
HAVE A THEME SONG?
- NO, PEOPLE JUST CLAP,
AND THEN WE DO IT.
- AUNT BERU.
- I DON'T KNOW THAT SHOW,
BUT I DO KNOW
GETTING PUNCHED IN THE BALLS.
SO JUST OUT OF FAMILIARITY,
I WOULD CHOOSE THAT.
- GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW.
- YEAH, GO WITH
WHAT YOU KNOW.
- WHY TAKE
AN UNNECESSARY RISK?
THE OTHER ONE
MIGHT BE WORSE
THAN GETTING PUNCHED
IN THE BALLS.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW THAT.
I DON'T KNOW THAT SHOW.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU SAT DOWN ON TWITTER
AND SPELLED OUT
AHMADINEJAD.
- I DID.
- I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO START.
I WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
- THERE'S OTHER DESTINATIONS
ON THE INTERNET
THAT CAN TELL YOU
THINGS LIKE THAT.
- YEAH, BUT YOU
GOTTA FIND THAT,
AND THEN TYPE IT
IN THE OTHER PLACE.
- I GOT THE TIME.
- YOU'RE TALENTED.
- YOU SLEEP
IN A BIG GIRL BED?
- NO, WHY?
WHY?
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO ONE MORE.
YOU GOT ONE MORE?
- OKAY.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANDY DALY!
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- THANK YOU, ANDY.
CALL YOUR MOTHER.
GOOD NIGHT!
- THAT'S NOT WATER.
WELCOME
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION
WHERE TWO COMEDIANS
ARE GIVEN MICROPHONES,
BUT ONLY ONE
IS A PRODUCER OF THE SHOW.
A COMEDIAN WILL STAND RIGHT HERE
AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"I FINALLY GOT THE JOKE.
I REALIZE THAT FOCKER
SOUNDS A LOT LIKE ****."
IT DOES.
AND THEN--
AND THEN I'LL BE SITTING
IN THAT CHAIR,
AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"I JUST REALIZED
THAT YOU'RE A FOCKING IDIOT."
ALL RIGHT,
ARE YOU GUYS READY
TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
THIS ACTOR-COMEDIAN
HAS BEEN A GUEST
ON MY PODCAST
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND YOU KNOW HIM
FROM THE MOVIE 17 AGAIN
AND FROM THE CLASSIC TV
SKETCH SHOW THE STATE.
PLEASE WELCOME
MY FRIEND THOMAS LENNON.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, DOUG BENSON.
MY GOD.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME,
AND I CAN TELL
THAT YOU'RE THINKING THIS,
WHICH IS THAT,
IF KATE GOSSELIN'S HAIR
AND ADOLF HITLER'S HAIR
HAD A BABY...
- THAT WOULD BE REALLY WEIRD
FOR HAIR TO BE HAVING BABIES.
- I THOUGHT A LITTLE BIT
THAT MY HAIR LOOKED
LIKE KATE GOSSELIN AND HITLER,
BUT THE FACT
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO FINISH
THAT JOKE PROVES
THAT IT WAS 100% **** TRUE.
- DO YOU KNOW
ANY K.D. LANG SONGS?
- UM...
- IS YOUR HAIR THIS WAY
FOR A ROLE?
OR DO YOU HAVE IT THIS WAY
JUST TO INSULT YOURSELF?
- I DID WANT TO SAY
VERY SINCERELY
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART,
IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK
ON COMEDY CENTRAL, UM, AFTER--
- YEAH.
- THANK YOU.
- IT'S GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK.
WHAT DID YOU DO
FOR COMEDY CENTRAL?
- REFRESH OUR MEMORIES.
- AFTER 88 EPISODES
OF RENO 911...
IN EXCHANGE, I GET TONIGHT,
FOR DOING THIS SHOW,
A iPOD DOCKING STATION
WITH A POT LEAF STUCK TO IT.
SO THAT'S WORTH PRETTY MUCH
MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.
- I LIKE THAT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN
SOMEBODY DO THAT.
LIKE, "THAT'S THE END
OF THAT JOKE."
- THAT'S--DOUG--
- I'M GONNA START SWINGING
THE MICROPHONE AROUND.
- THAT'S THE WAY
THEY TEACH YOU TO DO STANDUP
IN ESPANA
WHERE THE MATADORS...
IT SHOWS THE JOKE
THAT IT'S NOT IN CHARGE OF YOU.
I DON'T KNOW
IF IT'S MY AGE OR WHAT,
BUT PRETTY RECENTLY
I FOUND MYSELF
IN A RITE AID,
HOLDING A BOX
OF JUST FOR MEN
AND ASKING THE MANAGER,
"HEY, DOES THIS WORK ON PUBES?"
I HOPE THAT, IF I EVER HAVE
TO GO TO PRISON,
IT'S LEPRECHAUN PRISON.
- I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS
ALREADY.
- OKAY, GO.
- THERE ARE PRISONS
FOR JUST LEPRECHAUNS?
- IN MY MIND,
I FEEL LIKE I'M--
I'M KING BITCH
OF LEPRECHAUN PRISON, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, WHO'S GONNA TAKE ME DOWN
AT LEPRECHAUN PRISON?
NOBODY.
- YEAH, THEY'RE ALL LIKE--
THEY'RE NOT GONNA SHIV YOU
BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY
HIDING THEIR GOLD.
- IT'S REAL--
FOR ME, IT WAS JUST
'CAUSE I'M SO--
I'M BIG COMPARED TO THEM.
- YOU'RE TALLER THAN THEM.
- YEAH.
- NOW I GET IT.
AND YOU'RE SENSITIVE
TO LITTLE PEOPLE'S CONCERNS,
SO THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T SAY
**** PRISON.
- YOU CAN'T SAY ****
ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
WATCH. ****.
- YOU SAY LEPRECHAUN PRISON.
THEY'RE GONNA BLEEP OUT
WHEN WE SAY ****?
- WATCH.
****.
GO HOME AND TIVO THIS.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT THING
THAT I JUST SAID.
'CAUSE IT DIDN'T
**** EXIST.
MY SON IS--
HE'S AN INFANT BASICALLY.
HE'S ALMOST A TODDLER,
BUT THEY SAY YOU CAN'T START
EARLY ENOUGH
WITH LANGUAGE,
SO, UM,
EVERY NIGHT
BEFORE WE GO TO BED,
I HOLD HIM, AND I GET
WHERE HE CAN SEE MY MOUTH,
AND I HOLD HIM CLOSE,
AND I SAY,
"AVENGE MY DEATH!
"AVENGE MY DEATH!
"UTHER, IT WAS
WHAT POISONED YOUR FATHER.
"WASH THIS LANCE IN BLOOD
"TILL IT BEARS
THE BITTEREST FRUIT.
AVENGE ME, BOY."
- NEXT TOPIC.
- I HAVE A COUPLE OF,
GOOGLE ALERTS ABOUT MYSELF.
EVERYBODY HAS GOOGLE ALERTS
ABOUT THEMSELVES.
YOU KNOW, GOOGLE--THAT--
YOU CAN TYPE ANY SENTENCE,
ANY COMBINATION OF WORDS,
PUT IT INTO GOOGLE
IN QUOTATION MARKS
AND YOU'LL GET AN EMAIL
ABOUT IT
ANYTIME THOSE WORDS
ARE--ARE--ARE WRITTEN OUT
ANYWHERE IN THE INTERNET--
IN THE NEWS,
OR IN A BLOG,
OR ANYTHING.
I WANTED TO HAVE
ONE GOOGLE ALERT
THAT I COULD MAKE HAPPEN
ANYTIME I WANT,
SO I HAVE "TOM LENNON
"ARRESTED FOR BREAK DANCING
OUTSIDE KOO KOO ROO
WITH A RAGING BONER."
SO I HAD--
THAT ONE'S ALREADY SET.
ON THE OFF CHANCE
THAT I DO THAT...
ON THE WAY HOME TONIGHT.
- LIKE, IN RE--
LIKE, IN REPORTING
ON THE INCIDENT,
SOMEONE WOULD USE
THE WORD "RAGING"...
LIKE, THAT'S NO REGULAR BONER.
THAT GUY'S BONER
WAS RAGING.
- WELL, YEAH.
YEAH. YEAH, DOUG.
- THAT WAS
A RAGIN' CAJUN BONER.
- YEAH, UM, IT PROBABLY WAS
'CAUSE IT MADE THE NEWS.
- HA HA HA HA!
STUPID.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE TOM LENNON
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I CAN'T STOP INTERRUPTING
THOMAS LENNON.
I CAN'T STOP, BUDDY.
HEY, LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- ALL RIGHT.
- LET'S DO IT.
- THAT'S LIKE THE LEAST
OFFENSIVE QUEEF IMAGINABLE.
- YEAH, IT'S VERY UPBEAT.
- OTHER THAN, LIKE, SMURFETTE.
- I SMELL--
I SMELL BLUEBERRIES.
DID, SMURFETTE QUEEF?
- DOUG, GO.
- VERY GOOD.
VERY GOOD.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TOM LENNON!
THANK YOU, TOM.
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE
THIS HILARIOUS GENTLEMAN
FROM
THE COMEDY CENTRAL SHOW
MICHAEL AND MICHAEL
HAVE ISSUES.
OOH, WHICH--
WHICH MICHAEL IS HE?
AND YOU CAN SEE HIM
IN THE FILM
KIDS IN AMERICA.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
MICHAEL IAN BLACK!
- HI, EVERYBODY.
SO I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD
TO TODAY.
AS I WAS GOING OUTSIDE,
I SAW A GUY
RIDING BY ON A UNICYCLE,
AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
"THIS IS GOING TO BE
A TERRIBLE DAY."
- WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE?
SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
- I FORGIVE YOU.
- IT LOOKS LIKE THIS.
RIGHT?
- YEAH, THEY ALWAYS ACT LIKE,
"NO BIG DEAL.
THIS THING THAT I..."
- NO.
- "TOOK ME YEARS TO LEARN."
- "THIS IS JUST--
"I'M JUST RIDING A UNICYCLE.
"THIS IS JUST
MY PREFERRED
MODE OF TRANSPORTATION."
"WHAT'S UP?"
AND SO I LOOKED AT HIM
THE WAY I ALWAYS LOOK
AT PEOPLE ON UNICYCLES,
AND IT'S A LOOK THAT I CAN--
IT CAN BEST BE DESCRIBED
AS "WITH DISGUST."
RIGHT? AND THIS
LITTLE INVOLUNTARY NOISE
CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH.
AND THE NOISE WAS THIS.
UGHHH.
AND HE HEARD ME.
I COULD TELL HE HEARD ME
'CAUSE HE GAVE ME A LOOK.
AND THE LOOK WAS LIKE...
EXCEPT HE WAS
RIDING THE UNICYCLE,
SO IT WAS LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE THAN
THE GUY ON THE UNICYCLE?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE GUY
ON THE RECUMBENT BICYCLE?
I HATE THAT GUY.
- DO NOT GET ME STARTED
ABOUT RECUMBENCY.
HAVE YOU SEEN THAT GUY?
THE GUY WHO RIDES THE
RECUMBENT BICYCLE, LIKE THIS.
THAT SMUG ****HOLE.
- I'VE GOT A BABY ON THE BACK.
- I'M JUST RIDING
MY RECUMBENT BICYCLE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
EVERYBODY'S NOT--
BICYCLE'S LIKE THIS.
SO MUCH MORE ERGONOMIC.
I'M SAVING SO MUCH ENERGY
RIGHT NOW.
I'M SAVING SO MUCH ENERGY.
WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS
I'M GONNA SELL THE ENERGY
I'M NOT USING BACK
TO THE POWER COMPANY.
I'M MAKING MONEY RIGHT NOW
RIDING MY RECUMBENT BICYCLE.
I'M GROWING SOYBEANS
ON THE BACK.
I'M--MY LEGS ARE--
- WAIT UP, WAIT UP,
WAIT UP, WAIT UP.
- I'M GONNA PASS OUT.
MY LEGS ARE--
I CANNOT DO ANY MORE
RECUMBENT BICYCLE MATERIAL
BECAUSE I AM NOT
IN THE KIND OF SHAPE
THAT RECUMBENT BICYCLE JOKES
REQUIRE, YOU GUYS.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I WAS HOPING YOU'D DO
THE GUY FROM THE '20s
WITH THE GIANT WHEEL...
BICYCLE.
THAT GUY. DO HIM.
- ALL RIGHT.
BUT YOU KNOW,
YOU HAVE TO GET ON LIKE THIS.
- YEAH, YOU GOTTA GET ON.
- WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE
MICHAEL IAN BLACK
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I AM IN THE MIDDLE
OF INTERRUPTING
MICHAEL IAN BLACK.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- YEAH, MOTHER****.
- LET'S READ SOME TWEETS.
- I WROTE THIS ONE.
THE FILM WAS ANNOUNCED
THAT JUSTIN BIEBER'S
GONNA BE DOING IN 3-D.
- YEAH.
- DO YOU WANNA PUT ON
YOUR SPECTACLES?
- A LITTLE MORE ESOTERIC,
BUT IN MY MIND,
CHEWBACCA'S WALKING AROUND
LIKE THIS...
YOU KNOW, GOING--
- IT'D BE VERY FUNNY.
- YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO DO
A CHEWBACCA NOISE.
- I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS,
DOUG, I'M NOT A HACK.
I DO PANTOMIME.
- CHEWBACCA, NO.
RECUMBENT BICYCLE, YES.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MICHAEL IAN BLACK.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THIS PERFORMER PLAYS
PRINCIPAL CUTLER
ON HBO'S EASTBOUND & DOWN.
AND HE PLAYS THE VILLAIN
IN THE YOGI BEAR MOVIE,
WHICH I BELIEVE TECHNICALLY
IS CALLED
YOGI BEAR: 3-D.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
ANDY DALY.
- GOOD EVENING.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
GOOD EVENING, DOUG.
HELLO, AMERICA.
FOLKS, THIS IS GONNA COME
AS A SURPRISE TO YOU,
BUT WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN,
I WAS A BIT OF A NERD.
ANYWAY, WHAT I DID WAS
I WROTE A,
A HUMOR COLUMN,
OF COURSE,
FULL OF,
HILARIOUS OBSERVATIONS
ABOUT LIFE AT
BEN FRANKLIN JUNIOR HIGH.
AND--
AND I LEARNED A VERY IMPORTANT
LESSON ABOUT COMEDY
FROM THAT HUMOR COLUMN
THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU,
IF I MAY.
DURING FOOTBALL SEASON,
THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
WOULD HANG THESE UGLY
OAK TAG SIGNS
ALL OVER THE CAFETERIA
THAT SAID STUFF LIKE,
"CRUSH PARAMUS CATHOLIC,
SLAUGHTER THE BLESSED
SACRAMENT."
FUN STUFF LIKE THAT.
"MURDER A NUN."
AND THEY WOULD ALWAYS
HANG ONE OF THESE SIGNS
OVER THE CLOCK
IN THE CAFETERIA
SO YOU COULDN'T SEE
WHAT TIME IT WAS.
WELL, THAT IS HOW
THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
WANDERED INTO
THE SCOPES OF MY HUMOR GUN.
BECAUSE,
HERE'S WHAT I WROTE
IN THE, IN THE SCHOOL
NEWSPAPER ABOUT THAT.
I SAID,
"HEY, HOW COME
THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
"ALWAYS HANGS ONE OF
THEIR UGLY SIGNS
"OVER THE CAFETERIA CLOCK?
"WE CAN'T SEE
WHAT TIME IT IS,
"AND THE SIGNS DON'T EVEN WORK.
OUR FOOTBALL TEAM
STILL SUCKS."
- I'M GUESSING--
- YEAH.
- IF I MAY JUMP AHEAD
IN YOUR STORY.
- THAT'S FINE.
JUMP ALL THE WAY AT THE END.
- THAT LED TO A **** TON
OF CHEERLEADER ****.
BUT THE FALLOUT FROM
MY HILARIOUS TAKEDOWN
OF ALL OF THE STRONGEST
AND MOST POPULAR KIDS IN SCHOOL
WAS PRETTY BAD.
IT WAS BASICALLY THIS.
PICTURE A SCRAWNY,
13-YEAR-OLD ME...
WITH MY ARMS
HELD BEHIND MY BACK
BY THE CAPTAIN OF
THE FOOTBALL TEAM
WHILE, EVERYONE ON
THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
TOOK TURNS PUNCHING ME
IN THE STOMACH.
- SO IT'S JUST GIRL PUNCHES.
- YEAH, W--
GIRL PUNCHES.
MAYBE THEY DON'T HURT AS MUCH
PHYSICALLY,
BUT MENTALLY...
- HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE ANDY DALY
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I'M INTERRUPTING
ANDY DALY.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- YEAH!
- LET'S DO IT.
- DOES THE TWEET-OFF
HAVE A THEME SONG?
- NO, PEOPLE JUST CLAP,
AND THEN WE DO IT.
- AUNT BERU.
- I DON'T KNOW THAT SHOW,
BUT I DO KNOW
GETTING PUNCHED IN THE BALLS.
SO JUST OUT OF FAMILIARITY,
I WOULD CHOOSE THAT.
- GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW.
- YEAH, GO WITH
WHAT YOU KNOW.
- WHY TAKE
AN UNNECESSARY RISK?
THE OTHER ONE
MIGHT BE WORSE
THAN GETTING PUNCHED
IN THE BALLS.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW THAT.
I DON'T KNOW THAT SHOW.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU SAT DOWN ON TWITTER
AND SPELLED OUT
AHMADINEJAD.
- I DID.
- I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO START.
I WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
- THERE'S OTHER DESTINATIONS
ON THE INTERNET
THAT CAN TELL YOU
THINGS LIKE THAT.
- YEAH, BUT YOU
GOTTA FIND THAT,
AND THEN TYPE IT
IN THE OTHER PLACE.
- I GOT THE TIME.
- YOU'RE TALENTED.
- YOU SLEEP
IN A BIG GIRL BED?
- NO, WHY?
WHY?
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO ONE MORE.
YOU GOT ONE MORE?
- OKAY.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANDY DALY!
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- THANK YOU, ANDY.
CALL YOUR MOTHER.
GOOD NIGHT!
- THAT'S NOT WATER.