The Benson Interruption (2010–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

- HEY, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO THE BENSON
INTERRUPTION,

WHERE I SPAR
WITH MY COMEDIAN FRIENDS

LIKE A KNIFE FIGHT
IN AN ALLEY,

BUT THERE'S NO KNIVES
OR ALLEY.

JUST A CHANDELIER AND A RUG.

I'LL BRING OUT
MY COMEDIAN FRIENDS

WHO WILL STAND RIGHT HERE

AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE

"I WENT TO THE BERNIE MADOFF
AUCTION,

"BUT I ONLY BID
ON LEATHER JACKETS.



IT'S ALL PART
OF MY FONZIE SCHEME."

AND THEN...

I'LL BE IN THAT CHAIR
RIGHT THERE

AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING
LIKE "NANOO NAN-NO."

OKAY, ARE YOU READY TO START
THE INTERRUPTION?

YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS PERFORMER
ON DAVID LETTERMAN

AND IN THE MOVIE
THE WRESTLER.

YEAH, HE DID NOT PLAY
THE TITLE CHARACTER.

PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
TODD BARRY!

- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

I'VE GOTTEN
PRETTY COCKY THOUGH

SINCE I'VE BEEN
ON THE WRESTLER THOUGH.

I LIKE TO, UH, CRITIQUE
OTHER ACTORS.

MY FAVORITE THING TO DO
IS TO CRITICIZE AN ACTOR



WHO'S OVERACTING.

I'LL BE WATCHING A MOVIE, LIKE,
"OH, THIS DUDE'S OVERACTING.

"OVERACTING.

"I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT'S LIKE

"TO HAVE YOUR WHOLE FAMILY
GUNNED DOWN IN FRONT OF YOU,

"BUT, UH, PRETTY SURE
YOU DON'T SCREAM THAT LOUD.

TAKE IT DOWN."

- TODD, WHAT IF MY FAMILY
WAS GUNNED DOWN IN FRONT OF ME?

WOULD YOU FEEL BAD
RIGHT NOW?

- UH, LIKE ON--
IF YOU WERE TAPING, YES.

- THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

AS A COMIC, YOU SAY SOMETHING
THAT YOU MAY NOT MEAN

TO OFFEND ANYBODY,

BUT SOMEBODY IN THE AUDIENCE
IS LIKE, "MY FAMILY

WAS GUNNED DOWN."

AND YOU WANT TO GO,

"WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU
AT A COMEDY SHOW?

"YOU SHOULD TAKE A LITTLE BIT
MORE TIME TO MOURN

"BEFORE ROLLING THE DICE
AND HOPING THAT THE COMEDY SHOW

WON'T MENTION PEOPLE BEING
GUNNED DOWN."

- SHOULD I TELL THEM
MY FAVORITE FLYING STORY

RIGHT NOW, DOUG?

- YOU KNOW WHAT,

TELL US YOUR THIRD FAVORITE
FLYING STORY.

WHY COME OUT OF THE GATE
WITH THE BEST FLYING STORY?

- THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I WAS, UH, I WAS ON A FLIGHT.

AND THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
CAME AROUND

TO GET OUR DRINK ORDER.

AND I SAID "A DIET COKE"
OR WHATEVER I ORDERED.

AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP.

AND I WOKE UP AND I SAW
THAT MY LUNCH HAD BEEN SERVED.

AND I SAID "HEY, CAN I GET
THAT DIET COKE?"

AND SHE'S, LIKE, "WHOA,
IMPATIENT."

AND AT THAT POINT, I REALIZED
THAT I HAD FALLEN ASLEEP

FOR TWO SECONDS.

SO I WAS, LIKE, "HEY,
CAN I GET A DIET COKE?

HEY, WHERE'S MY DIET COKE?"

- LET ME ASK YOU
A QUICK QUESTION.

IS THE AIRPLANE STORY OVER?

I DIDN'T SAY IT
WAS A LONG STORY.

- DID WE GET THROUGH
ALL OF IT?

- I KEEP IT TIGHT.
I DON'T MILK IT AND EMBELLISH.

I JUST--I GET TO THE ESSENCE
OF IT AND THEN I'M OUT.

EXPLOSION OF LAUGHTER.

- SO CAN WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- SURE.

- LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GO FIRST.

- SURPRISINGLY BRIEF?

YOU THOUGHT THIS IS A SUBJECT
WE CAN REALLY DIG INTO

AND TALK AMONGST STRANGERS.

AND IT WAS SHUT DOWN
IMMEDIATELY

WITH A YES OR NO?

"YES, I LIKE IT.
NO, I DON'T LIKE IT.

NICE TALKING TO YOU GUYS."

- MADE HER DAY
WITH MY HILARIOUS ANSWER.

- SHE LIKE LAUGHED OUT LOUD

OR SPIT OUT SOME
COCONUT WATER?

- AH...

SHE SPIT OUT SOME, UH,

THAI CHILI-LIME ALMONDS
IN MY FACE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TODD BARRY!

THANK YOU, TODD!

WHOO HOO HOO!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL--

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

- WELCOME BACK TO
THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,

WHERE IT'S IMPOLITE
NOT TO INTERRUPT.

YOU MAY HAVE HEARD
THESE GUYS ON MY PODCAST,

DOUG LOVES MOVIES,

AND THEY HAVE
THEIR OWN PODCAST,

SKLARBRO COUNTRY.

PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIENDS,
THE SKLAR BROTHERS!

RANDY AND JASON.

AND JASON AND RANDY.

AND RANDY--
- HI, GUYS.

- UH...
- I THINK WE'RE IN A GOOD MOOD,

'CAUSE, UH, SCHWARZENEGGER
IS NO LONGER OUR GOVERNOR.

- THANK THE GOD.
THANK THE GOD.

- HE'S STILL ALIVE, RIGHT?
IS HE ALIVE?

- WHEN HE DID THE EXPENDABLES,
I GOT EXCITED.

I'M LIKE, "MAYBE HE'LL GO BACK
TO DOING MOVIES."

BECAUSE THE BEST PART
OF ANY SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE--

AND, DOUG, YOU'LL AGREE--

IS THE CLEVER KILL LINE
HE WOULD DELIVER BEFORE--

- RIGHT BEFORE
HE KILLS SOMEONE.

- OH, I DO AGREE!
THIS IS FUN!

- SO HE BASICALLY,
HE KILLS YOU TWICE.

HE'LL MURDER YOU WITH
HIS HILARIOUS AUSTRIAN WIT.

- ZING.

- AND THEN HE POPS A CAP
IN YOUR ASS.

- AND HE ACTUALLY MURDERS YOU.

- SO THE LAST EMOTION YOU FEEL
BEFORE YOU DIE

IS SHEER AND UTTER
EMBARRASSMENT.

- OH, YEAH.

AND YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE TIME TO PROCESS THAT

BEFORE YOU DIE!
- THAT'S RIGHT.

- YOU GET BURNED AND KILLED.
- BURNED AND THEN KILLED.

- WITHIN A COUPLE BEATS
OF EACH OTHER.

- YOU GET ZINGED.
LIKE IN COMMANDO.

HE KICKED DOWN FIVE HUTS
WITH HIS FOOT.

AND THEN WAS LIKE,
"KNOCK, KNOCK."

- THERE WERE PEOPLE IN THERE!

- YOU KNOW, THERE WERE REAL
PEOPLE WHO ARE PROBABLY LIKE...

both: "YOU DIDN'T KNOCK-KNOCK.
OHH!"

- "JESUS!"
- "AAH!"

- "WAS THAT A JOKE?
MY GUTS! JESUS!"

- "OH, I CAN'T PROCESS THIS!"

- YOU KNOW, IN ERASURE,
HE ACTUALLY,

SCHWARZENEGGER, LIKE,
FOUGHT WITH AN ALLIGATOR AND--

- WAIT A SECOND--
DID YOU CALL IT "ERASURE"?

- "ERASURE"!

- YEAH, I DID!

I DID CALL IT "ERASURE."
- "ERASURE"!

SO HERE'S THE THING.
WE WANT SCHWARZENEGGER--

HE WAS BUSY FOR ALL HIS YEARS,
I GUESS--

- WHAT IF THAT'S THE WAY
YOU REALLY DIED, THOUGH?

WHAT IF THAT'S HOW
YOU ACTUALLY DIED?

- YES.
- YOU PISS SOMEONE OFF.

- SOMEONE CRAZY.
YOU COME HOME.

YOU START PLAYING, LIKE,
MADDEN 2010.

- THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
DOOR GETS BUST DOWN.

IT'S LIKE, "GAME OVER."

- LIKE FOR ONE SECOND,
YOU'D BE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT,
THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY."

- AAH!

- "HOW DID YOU KNOW
I WAS PLAYING A GAME?"

- I KNOW!

- "LIKE, YOU REALLY
DID YOUR RESEARCH

"BEFORE COMING IN.

"AND I'M GONNA
BE DEAD SOON ANYWAY.

"SO WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE
IF YOU BURN ME?

"YOU COULD JUST WALK IN
AND SAY ANYTHING,

LIKE..."
- YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE WAY--

- "I HAVE DECIDED TO KILL YOU."
BAM.

- YEAH, YOU'RE DEAD.
- YOU'D BE JUST AS INSULTED.

- NO.
- YOU'D BE JUST AS LIKE,

"OH, , THAT DIDN'T
WORK OUT SO GOOD."

- NO.

SO HERE'S OUR DREAM.

SCHWARZENEGGER GOES BACK,
DOES A TON OF MOVIES,

HAS ALL THE CLEVER KILL LINES,

BUT ALL OF HIS NEW
CLEVER KILL LINES

HAVE TO DO WITH TECHNOLOGY
THAT HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND.

- SO EVERYONE IS CONFUSED--

- IT'S JUST CONFUSION
IN EVERY SCENE.

I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM, LIKE,
BUST DOWN A DOOR

AND BE LIKE, PKUH!

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GOOGLE YOURSELF

AND USE THE KEYWORD 'DEAD'?"

- WHAT?

- "DO IT."

- "'CAUSE IF I TYPE IN 'DEAD, '

"THEY WON'T KNOW I'M
REFERRING TO MYSELF.

- PKSH!
- "OH, GOD!"

- PKUH!
"THERE'S AN APP FOR THIS."

- "WHAT?"

- "THERE IS AN APP INSIDE OF IT.
I THINK THEY SAID--"

- "YOU DO NOT KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

"THERE IS NOT A--
WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

THAT IS A GUN.
IT'S NOT AN iPHONE."

- PKSH!
- "OH, GOD!"

- PKUH!

"YOU COULD USE MAPQUEST

AND FIND YOURSELF SIX FEET
UNDER THE GROOOUND!"

- "WHAT?"

- I GOT ONE.
- "LOG INTO IT."

YES, DO IT, DOUG!

GIVE HIM A KILL LINE!

- PKUH!

"YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR TWITTER
NAME TO 'I'M NOT ALIVE.'

I MEAN @NOT--I'MNOTALIVE."

- "AT NOT--
NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND."

PKUH!

RIDICULOUS.

YOU KNOW, JAY AND I
ARE HUGE FANS

OF THAT TV SHOW
HOARDERS.

I LOVE THE SHOW HOARDERS.
- DOES ANYONE WATCH HOARDERS?

YES, A FEW PEOPLE.

IT IS--IT IS THE BEST WAY
TO MAKE YOURSELF

FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF
FOR ONE HOUR.

LITERALLY, YOU'RE LIKE,
ALL RIGHT, I GOT SOME PROBLEMS,

BUT I DON'T HAVE DEAD CATS
UNDER THE SINK.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GOOD.
- WE'RE GOOD.

- I'M OKAY HERE.
- HERE'S HOW OBSESSED

I AM
WITH THE SHOW HOARDERS.

I HAVE 11 EPISODES
OF HOARDERS ON MY DVR.

- YUP.
- I'VE WATCHED ALL OF THEM.

- MM-HMM.
- I CANNOT ERASE ANY OF THEM.

- WAIT A SECOND,
YOU'RE SAVING...

- THOSE ARE
PERFECTLY GOOD EPISODES, DOUG.

- THOSE ARE GOOD EPISODES.
- I WILL FIND A PLACE FOR THEM.

- I JUST LIKE THAT THERE'S
A SHOW CALLED HOAR... DERS.

- YES.
- 'CAUSE WHEN YOU--

LIKE, WHEN YOU GUYS
JUST SAID IT JUST NOW,

I WAS LIKE--
IT TOOK ME A SECOND.

- TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS?

- I THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE,
ABOUT, YOU KNOW--

- THE KARDASHIANS.

- WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE OF THE SKLAR BROTHERS

AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.

- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,

WHERE I'M GONNA KEEP
INTERRUPTING THE SKLAR BROTHERS.

RANDY, JASON,

HEY, WOULD YOU GUYS MIND
HAVING A TWEET-OFF?

both: LET'S TWEET IT UP.

- LET'S DO IT.
- WOULD I MIND?

- ALL RIGHT, SO I'LL START.

THIS IS A TOPICAL ONE.

"'CAUSE I WAS DOWN THERE
FOR 70 DAYS."

- I WAS STRANGELY AROUSED

BY "GETTING PULLED
OUT OF THE SHAFT."

I JUST LOVE
THAT THE NEW FLAVOR

IS LATE NIGHT CHEESEBURGER.

LIKE, I GET
IF IT'S, LIKE, CHEESEBURGER,

BUT IS THERE SOMEBODY,
LIKE,

AT THE DORITOS FACTORY
WHO'S, LIKE, TASTING IT, GOING,

"THAT TASTES A LITTLE
LIKE 8:30 TO ME."

- YEAH, THAT'S NOT--
- "SPRINKLE A LITTLE MORE...

- HASSELHOFF PUBES ON THERE
IF WE CAN."

- PUT A CIGARETTE OUT ON IT.

both: YEAH.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE SKLAR BROTHERS.

THANKS, GUYS.

YOU KNOW THIS ACTOR/COMEDIAN
FROM THE LEAGUE ON F/X

AND FROM MTV'S HUMAN GIANT.

PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
PAUL SCHEER.

- OH, WOW.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

UH, THANK YOU.

I WAS RECENTLY
AT WALT DISNEY WORLD,

AND THEY HAVE THIS,
LIKE, BIG FIRE--

- OOH, PLACE DROPPER.
- YEAH, GUYS.

I PAID THE ADMISSION,
AND I GOT IN.

I WENT THERE,

AND THEY HAVE, LIKE,
THIS BIG FIREWORKS DISPLAY,

AND EVERYONE'S, LIKE,

PULLING OUT THEIR CAMERAS
AND THEIR FLIP CAMS.

THEY'RE LIKE,
"WE GOT TO GET THESE FIREWORKS."

WHY?

WHY? WHY DO WE NEED PHOTOS
OF FIREWORKS?

'CAUSE HERE'S ONE THING
THAT YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO HEAR:

"HEY, HONEY, CAN YOU GET
THAT TAPE OF THE FIREWORKS?

I WANT TO SHOW IT
TO SOME PEOPLE."

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE
YOUR FIREWORKS TAPES.

IT DOESN'T TRANSLATE.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING PATRICK
STEWART DO THE CHRISTMAS CAROL

ON STAGE.

PATRICK STEWART SLAM.
BAM!

- THAT IS THE WEIRDEST PLACE
FOR AN AUDIENCE

TO TURN ON SOMEBODY.
- I KNOW.

- THAT PATRICK STEWART
DOING THE CHRISTMAS CAROL

IS BORING.

NO, IT'S THE MOST AMAZING THING
YOU'LL EVER SEE.

- ON STAGE IT IS.
BUT WHEN YOU BRING

THAT HOME,
NOT SO INTERESTING.

NO.
- WHEN HE DOES TINY TIM,

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
THAT BALD GUY

SEEMS LIKE A CRIPPLED CHILD."

- HE'S ONE OF THE FEW BALD GUYS
WHO CAN DO THAT.

WE ALL ASPIRE
TO BE CRIPPLED CHILDS.

"PLEASE, SIR,
MAY I HAVE ANOTHER...

CHRISTMAS CAROL?"

THAT'S A DICKENS MASH-UP!

UH...

I DID OLIVER TWIST,

AND THEN I BROUGHT IT OVER
TO CHRISTMAS CAROL.

- YEAH.

- DICKENS.

OH, UM, MY MOM WAS IN TOWN,

AND MY MOM ONLY KNOWS THINGS--

LIKE SHE ONLY KNOWS--
MY MOM ONLY KNOWS L.A.

THROUGH THE LENS OF, LIKE,
BRAVO REALITY SHOWS

AND E! REALITY SHOWS.

SO SHE THINKS, LIKE, L.A.'s,
LIKE, A MAGICAL PLACE.

AND, YOU KNOW, AND SO
WE'RE DRIVING DOWN THE STREET.

AND SHE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
WHAT KIND OF FASHION IS THAT?"

AND SHE'S POINTING
AT A HOMELESS MAN

WEARING, LIKE, TWO HATS,
LIKE, A WINTER JACKET

ON TOP OF, LIKE,
A SWEATSHIRT, PANTS,

AND CARRYING A DOG LEASH
WITH NO DOG.

I GO, "MOM,
THAT IS A HOMELESS PERSON,"

AND SHE GOES, "OH,
I THOUGHT THAT WAS FASHION."

AND I WISH--I WANTED
TO BE LIKE, "OH!"

I WISH I TOLD MY MOM
THAT THAT WAS FASHION,

ONLY SO WHEN SHE WENT TO WORK,
LIKE, ON MONDAY,

SHE'D COME IN WITH A FULL BEARD
FULL OF CHICKEN GREASE,

YOU KNOW, CROTCH RIPPED OUT
OF HER PANTS.

YOU KNOW, AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"GAIL, WHAT HAPPENED?"

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, THIS IS
THE LATEST IN L.A. FASHION.

"NOW PUT A CAN IN MY CART.

I GOT TO GET TO MY MEETING."

- FINALLY TAKING DOWN
THE HOMELESS.

- AGAIN--

- I'M SO TIRED
OF THE HOMELESS.

THEY'RE ALL WALKING AROUND LIKE,
"WE'RE NOT FUNNY."

- THEY'RE NOT WATCHING, SO WE
CAN MAKE FUN OF 'EM, RIGHT?

AND IF THEY ARE WATCHING,

THEY CAN'T HEAR,
'CAUSE THEY'RE WATCHING

THROUGH A BIG PLATE GLASS WINDOW
DOWN ON A VACANT MAIN STREET.

WE'RE FINE.

- YOU CAN'T HEAR US, HOMELESS!

- HOMELESS!
AH, HA HA, HOMELESS.

- DO YOU READ LIPS, HOMELESS?

I'VE GOT SO MUCH MONEY
IN MY POCKET, HOMELESS.

IS IT COLD OUT THERE
ON THE SIDEWALK, HOMELESS?

I'M INSIDE THE STORE
IN TV.

- WE CAN'T HEAR.

- YOU'LL NEVER BE IN HERE.
- LIKE JAMIE LEE FOXX IN THE--

OR JAMIE LEE FOXX
IN THE SOLOIST.

IS HIS NAME JAMIE LEE FOXX?

JAMIE FOXX.
WHO'S JAMIE LEE FOXX?

- THAT AMAZING
HERMAPHRODITE PORN STAR.

- PEOPLE MASH-UP.

WELL DONE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH PAUL SCHEER

AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL BREAKAGES.

- WELCOME BACK TO
THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,

WHERE I'M GOING TO CONTINUE

TO DERAIL A TRAIN...

OF THOUGHT.

RIGHT?

YOU WANT
TO HAVE A TWEET-OFF?

- I WOULD LOVE IT.
- LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.

- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA DO
TRADITIONAL TWEET-OFF, RIGHT?

HERE WE GO.

JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE
WE'RE NOT DOING FOREIGN RULES.

- LET'S GO...

LET'S GO, YEAH,
LET'S GO TRADITIONAL.

- TRADITIONAL.
GOT IT.

HERE YOU GO.

THE TOWN.

TOWN WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY
GOOD IF THEY JUST STOPPED.

JUST STOP
RIGHT BEFORE THE LAST ONE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I LEARNED FROM
WATCHING THE MOVIE THE TOWN?

- WHAT?
- THAT, UH, BOSTON POLICE

DON'T HAVE
ANY HELICOPTERS.

- YEAH.
NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA--

THEY DIDN'T WANT TO PUT 'EM UP.
IT WOULD BE A LOT OF GAS.

IN THIS ECONOMY,
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

- YEAH, YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT
TO END A CRAZY CHASE

WHERE PEOPLE ARE DYING
LEFT AND RIGHT

BY SPOTTING THEM FROM THE AIR.

- YEAH.
- LET'S CHASE 'EM THROUGH ALLEYS

AND POSSIBLY LOSE THE SUSPECTS.

- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED
IS THE HELICOPTER PILOTS

IN THE TOWN WERE JUST
WATCHING THE SOX GAME,

SO THEY'RE LIKE,
"AH, WE'LL GO UP AFTER."

SPORTS REFERENCE.

UH...

- DO YOU DO
A GOOD BOSTON ACCENT?

- YEAH.
HEY, I'M FROM BOSTON!

WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
A BUNCH OF BOSTON PEANUTS?

- BOSTON PEANUTS?

I LIKE TO SET GOALS
FOR MYSELF ON TWITTER.

- SURE.

- LIKE, NUMBER OF FOLLOWERS
I GET AND STUFF.

SO ONE TIME I WROTE...

AND THEN HASHTAG
"WEIRD CELEBRATION."

- UM, I GOT THIS ONE.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PAUL SCHEER!

DON'T FORGET TO RECYCLE,

AND DON'T FORGET TO RECYCLE.

GOOD NIGHT.