The Benson Interruption (2010–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
- HEY, MARY LYNN, I'M EXCITED
YOU'RE DOING MY SHOW.
- I'M SO EXCITED TOO.
I CAN'T WAIT--
- I CAN'T WAIT
TO INTERRUPT YOU.
- WAIT, WHAT?
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THEBENSON
INTERRUPTION,
WHERE TWO COMEDIANS
DO THE JOB OF ONE... COMEDIAN.
I'LL BRING OUT ONE
OF MY COMEDY FRIENDS,
WHO WILL TELL A JOKE, LIKE,
"IN THE RECENT ELECTION,
"I MEANT TO VOTE
FOR PROP 19,
BUT I THINK I MIGHT HAVE VOTED
FOR MAMBO NO. 5 INSTEAD."
AND THEN I'LL BE SITTING
OVER THERE IN THAT CHAIR,
AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"BECAUSE YOU NEEDED A LITTLE
MARIJUANICA IN YOUR LIFE?"
OKAY, ARE YOU READY
TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE
THIS COMEDIAN
FROM THE SHOW DELOCATED
ON ADULT SWIM.
AND HE'S ONE OF THE STARS
OF THE UPCOMING ANIMATED SERIES
BOB'S BURGERS ON FOX.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
EUGENE MIRMAN!
- HELLO.
I WAS IN DELAWARE--
DON'T BOTHER.
UM... AND I WAS--
- WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT IF SOMEONE'S WATCHING
IN DELAWARE?
- THEY AGREE.
I WAS DRIVING BACK TO NEW YORK
FROM DELAWARE,
AND I SAW A BILLBOARD,
AND IT WAS A GIANT--
IT WAS A REGULAR-SIZE
BILLBOARD--
IT WASN'T A GIANT--
IT WASN'T, LIKE,
TWICE THE SIZE OF--
IT WAS A NORMAL, BUT BIG,
IN MY OPINION.
AND IT SAID--
IT JUST SAID ON IT,
"ABORTION HURTS."
AND THEN IT HAD A DRAWING
OF A BUTTERFLY.
I DON'T KNOW
WHO THAT'S FOR.
LIKE, IS SOME GIRL
GONNA SEE THAT AND BE, LIKE,
"I WAS GONNA GET
AN ABORTION,
"BUT NOW THAT I REALIZE
IT HURTS,
"I GUESS I'LL JUST GIVE BIRTH
TO A CHILD.
BECAUSE I KNOW
THAT'S PAINLESS."
- MAYBE...
MAYBE IT'S A REFERENCE
TO THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT,
AND THAT IF YOU DON'T
HAVE A BABY,
THAT BABY COULD HAVE BEEN
PRESIDENT
AND SOLVED
ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS.
SO DON'T NOT HAVE
THAT BABY.
THAT COULD BE AN IMPORTANT BABY
YOU'RE NOT HAVING.
- THAT EASILY COULD BE
THE LOGIC OF THE BILLBOARD.
I CERTAINLY DON'T HAVE
A BETTER EXPLANATION.
- I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY
THEY'D DRAG
A ASHTON KUTCHER MOVIE
INTO THE SITUATION,
BUT...
- IT WAS A PICTURE
OF ASHTON KUTCHER FROWNING.
BEING, LIKE,
"ABORTION HURTS."
- ASHTON KUTCHER
DOESN'T LIKE ABORTIONS.
- YEAH.
- HE'S ALL SEXY-LOOKING.
- YEAH.
WHAT IF HE WAS ABORTED?
AND THEN PEOPLE WOULD BE, LIKE,
"THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE."
'CAUSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE PUNK'D.
- MY GOD, CAN YOU IMAGINE
A WORLD WITHOUT PUNK'D?
I CAN'T IMAGINE IT.
IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.
- WHO WOULD PARK A CAR
IN FRONT OF A PERSON
WHO'S, YOU KNOW,
MARIAH CAREY?
ANYWAY... AND HAVE HER
BE, LIKE, "MEH!"
THAT'S HOW SHE GETS MAD.
ANYWAY...
- THAT'D BE FUNNY IF
MARIAH CAREY'S PREGNANCY
WAS A PUNK'D.
LIKE, THEY WALK IN AND GO,
"YOU'RE NOT REALLY PREGNANT.
WE JUST PUT A PILLOW
IN YOU."
- UM, I DID A SHOW
IN A SMALL TOWN IN PENNSYLVANIA
AT A COLLEGE, AND AFTERWARDS,
MY FRIEND AND I,
WE WENT TO A CASINO THERE.
AND WE MUST HAVE--
WE LEFT AT, LIKE,
PROBABLY LIKE
3:00 IN THE MORNING,
AND IT WAS VERY HARD
TO CATCH A CAB.
AND WE WERE WAITING FOR, LIKE,
A HALF HOUR AND CALLING,
AND FINALLY THIS CAB CAME.
AND THEN THESE TWO OTHER GUYS
WERE, LIKE,
"HEY, CAN WE COME WITH YOU?
WE CAN'T GET A CAB."
AND SO WE LET THEM JOIN US.
AND THEN, AS WE WERE DRIVING,
THE FIRST THING THEY SAID IS,
"LET'S GO TO CAMPUS AND GET
SOME GRUB AND BABES."
THAT'S HOW WE KNEW
WE MET SOME CLASSY FOLKS.
BUT I SAID--
BECAUSE THEY WERE
FROM AROUND THERE,
I WAS, LIKE, "HEY,
DO YOU KNOW OF ANY PLACES
TO GET FOOD?"
AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"AW,
THERE'S ONLY FAST FOOD
RIGHT NOW."
LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY THOUGHT I WAS LOOKING FOR.
AND I WAS LIKE, ""
BUT INSTEAD OF SAYING THAT,
I WAS LIKE,
"THERE'S NO BISTROS
THAT ARE STILL OPEN?"
- "THERE'S NO ALL-NIGHT
FIVE-STAR DINING SITUATIONS?"
- NO. AND THEN
HE WAS LIKE, "NO, DUDE."
AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, IS THERE
LIKE A LOCAL ORGANIC MARKET,
WHERE I COULD MAYBE
GET SOME MESCLUN?"
AND THEN HE'S, LIKE,
"MAN,
YOU'RE SO FAR
FROM NEW YORK CITY!"
AND HE PROBABLY TOLD
ALL HIS FRIENDS
HE MET A FANCY CITY KID THAT
DIDN'T KNOW HOW THINGS WORKED.
WELL, HE'S REALLY
A DUMB
WHO'S NEVER HEARD SARCASM.
- DO YOU WANT TO SAY
"HE'S REALLY A DUMBASS,"
AND THEN WE WON'T HAVE
TO BLEEP ANY OF IT?
- I WANTED IT BEEPED
SO THAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK
I SAID.
AND NOW THE AUDIENCE AT HOME
WON'T KNOW IF I SAID THAT
OR
OR PHILANTHROPIST...
WHEN REALLY HE'S
A DUMBASS.
- HE'S A DUMBASS "C" WORD.
- NO, I SAID "CUR."
CUR...
HOW LONG BEFORE "CU" TO BE ABLE
TO AIR IT ON TELEVISION?
- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
- FU...
- THAT'S AN INTERESTING
QUESTION.
WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT.
- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE OF EUGENE MIRMAN
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I'M GONNA KEEP
INTERRUPTING EUGENE MIRMAN.
LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- YEAH, LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- LET'S DO IT. LET'S GET OUT
OUR MOBILE DEVICES.
- ALL RIGHT.
NORMALLY SUNDAY
IS A DAY OF REST,
BUT EROTIC STEP UP 3D
FAN FICTION
ISN'T GONNA WRITE ITSELF.
- I HAVE NOTHING
TO ADD TO THAT.
HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN A HAIKU
THAT'S A TWEET?
- NO. DID YOU?
- I DID.
- WOW.
YEAH.
THIS IS
A SPECIAL HALLOWEEN HAIKU
THAT I WROTE
AROUND HALLOWEEN.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A FEW DAYS AFTER.
WHATEVER.
DON'T MAKE SUCH A THING
OUT OF IT.
IF ZOMBIES SMOKED POT...
FIVE SYLLABLES.
MAYBE THEY WOULD SKIP
THE BRAINS.
SEVEN.
AND SETTLE FOR CAKE.
- NICE.
WELL, I HAVE ONE MORE TWEET.
- THAT'S THE PERFECT AMOUNT.
- I AM TWEETING
FROM THE MOON.
APRIL FOOL'S.
I AM GOING TO SLEEP.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
EUGENE MIRMAN.
- BYE-BYE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, DOUG.
- THIS PERFORMER
HAS BEEN A GUEST
ON MY PODCAST,
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND HE CAN BE SEEN
ON THE SHOW CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
ON "AD-ULT" SWIM.
YEAH, I CALL IT "AD-ULT" SWIM.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
ROB HUEBEL.
- HELLO.
HELLO.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
UM, I JUST FOUND A DOG,
YOU GUYS.
AND I'M KEEPING HIM,
BECAUSE HE IS AMAZING,
AND I DON'T CARE IF HE WAS YOURS
AND YOU LOST HIM.
YOU SCREWED UP,
AND HE'S MINE.
IF HE IS A GUIDE DOG
AND YOU ARE A BLIND PERSON,
SCREW YOURSELF.
I'M KEEPING HIM.
HE IS AWESOME.
HE'S A GERMAN SHEPHERD.
AND HE'S, LIKE, SO INTENSE.
LIKE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT GERMAN SHEPHERDS.
- ROB HUEBEL.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT...
DID YOUR DOG--
DOES IT HAVE A--
DOES IT HAVE
ONE OF THOSE HANDLES
THAT A BLIND PERSON--
LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU NOT BE SURE
IF IT BELONGED
TO A BLIND PERSON?
- IT DOES. YES, IT HAS ONE,
AND IT SAYS "GUIDE DOG."
HE HAS TAGS THAT SAY, "IF LOST,
RETURN TO THIS ADDRESS."
I THREW THOSE AWAY.
I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN FINDING HIS ORIGINAL OWNER.
- IT'S BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM
THAT MUCH?
- I LOVE HIM THAT MUCH.
HE'S AWESOME
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT COPS USE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, HE HAS FOUND
SO MUCH COCAINE IN MY HOUSE.
IT'S AWESOME.
I'M LIKE,
"WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
"I DON'T KNOW.
WE SHOULD GIVE IT BACK."
- PLUS, YOU COULD CROSS THE
STREET WITHOUT YOUR EYES OPEN.
- YES.
EXACTLY.
- THAT'S A FUN EXTRA THING
TO BE ABLE TO DO
WITH YOUR DOG WHEN YOU'RE OUT
TAKING HIM FOR A WALK.
- I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO FIND A DOG WALKER FOR HIM.
SO THIS GUY COMES OVER,
AND HE SEEMED, AT FIRST,
TOTALLY NORMAL.
I WAS SUPER PSYCHED.
AND SO, YOU KNOW,
I HAD TO GO TO WORK,
AND I'M AT WORK,
AND I GET A TEXT FROM HIM,
AND HE GOES, "HEY, BRO,
I'M SO SORRY.
I ATE ALL
OF YOUR JALAPENO CORNBREAD."
AND I WAS FURIOUS.
I WAS LIKE--
I TEXTED HIM BACK.
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, WE GOT
A BIG PROBLEM, MAN,
"BECAUSE I DON'T OWN
ANY JALAPENO CORNBREAD.
"YOU ARE IN THE WRONG HOUSE.
SO FIND WHERE I LIVE..."
- OR SOME STUFF HAS GONE
REALLY BAD IN MY REFRIGERATOR.
- THAT USED TO BE JELL-O.
NOW IT'S JALAPENO CORNBREAD.
AND SO THEN THE NEXT TIME
HE COMES OVER,
I WAS LIKE, ALL RIGHT, I'M
REALLY GONNA CHECK THIS GUY OUT,
MAKE SURE HE'S NOT
A TOTAL WEIRDO.
SO I'M KIND OF LOOKING AT HIM,
AND I'M MAKING SURE
HE DOESN'T SMELL LIKE ALCOHOL
OR HE'S NOT, LIKE, BLEEDING
OUT OF HIS EARS,
OR HE DOESN'T HAVE, LIKE,
A NECKLACE MADE OF HUMAN FINGERS
OR ANYTHING, SO...
- ALL SIGNS OF WEIRDOS.
- THOSE ARE--
YEAH, DEFINITE SIGNS OF WEIRDOS.
- THOSE ARE
THE TOP THREE WARNING SIGNS
OF A WEIRDO.
- DEFINITE TOP THREE.
- BLOOD OUT OF THE EARS.
- YEAH.
THAT'S A GIVEAWAY.
- THAT GUY'S A WEIRDO.
- THAT'S A GIVEAWAY.
- THERE'S NO LEGITIMATE EXCUSE
FOR BLOOD
COMING OUT OF YOUR EARS.
- YEAH, THAT'S SOMEONE--
- UNLESS YOU JUST CAME
FROM THE MOST AMAZING CONCERT.
- YEAH.
SO THIS TIME,
I GO AWAY,
AND I COME BACK,
AND I TOLD HIM, I SAID,
"LEAVE LIGHTS ON FOR THE DOG.
I DON'T WANT HIM
TO GET SCARED IN THE DARK."
I COME HOME,
THE DOG WALKER IS NOT THERE.
IT'S SILENCE OF THE LAMBS DARK
IN MY HOUSE.
SUPER, DUPER DARK.
AND I'M, LIKE, FEELING AROUND.
I DON'T KNOW
IF HE'S IN THE CORNER
WITH HIS NIGHT VISION GOGGLES ON
AND HIS PENIS TUCKED BACK
BETWEEN HIS LEGS.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE DEAL IS.
AND SO I TURN ON THE LIGHTS.
- PUT THE JALAPENO BREAD
IN THE BASKET.
- PUT IT IN THE BASKET.
PUT THE CORNBREAD
IN THE BASKET.
- WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE ROB HUEBEL
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION
WHERE I WAS JUST INTERRUPTING
ROB HUEBEL.
ROBBIE.
CAN WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- DO YOU WANT TO HAVE
A TWEET-OFF?
- I DO WANT TO HAVE
A TWEET-OFF.
- DOES THIS AUDIENCE
WANT A TWEET-OFF?
- ALL RIGHT.
- LET'S DO IT.
LET'S TWEET OFF.
- ALL RIGHT.
UM, HERE WE GO.
GOOD THING THEY DECIDED
TO CALL THEM HONEY NUT CHEERIOS
AND NOT TEENY TINY
BUTT HOLES.
- I'VE GOT HIV.
BUT DON'T WORRY,
I STILL GET TO DRAW
FOUR MORE SCRABBLE TILES.
- HE SAVED IT.
YOU SAVED IT.
- 'CAUSE IT STARTED OUT
KIND OF OFFENSIVE.
- POSSIBLY THE ONLY...
FUNNY... HIV JOKE.
THE MALE WOLF
SPRAYS A TINY AMOUNT OF URINE
EVERY TIME HE SEES
A FEMALE WOLF.
AND THEY DON'T MAKE SUCH A BIG
DEAL ABOUT IT.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ROB HUEBEL!
- THANK YOU.
- THAT WAS AWESOME.
YOU KNOW
THIS ACTOR-COMEDIAN
AS CHLOE FROM 24
AND FROM HER GUEST APPEARANCE
ON ABC'S MODERN FAMILY.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
MARY LYNN RAJSKUB.
- THANKS FOR THAT
VERY NATURAL INTRO.
DOUG, HI. HOW ARE YOU?
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT A PERSONAL STORY
FROM MY LIFE.
- OKAY.
WELL, JUST TELL THEM AND...
- NEVER MIND.
YOU'RE NOT THERE.
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.
TOO--TOO FAR?
- I'VE GOT A GREAT STORY
TO TELL YOU GUYS.
YOU.
- THAT WAS MY NATURAL SEGUE.
SO MY DREAM JOB
WAS TO BE A WAITRESS
AT THE HARD ROCK CAFE.
- SWEET GIG.
LATER IN LIFE WHEN I FIRST MOVED
TO LOS ANGELES,
I WAS ABLE TO MAKE
THAT DREAM COME TRUE,
BY GETTING A JOB
AT THE HARD ROCK CAFE
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD,
CALIFORNIA.
THEY WANTED US TO GO
TO THE TABLE AND SAY,
"HEY, TRY
THE HARD ROCK AND ROLL CHILI
"'CAUSE IT'S MADE WITH BEEF,
AND PORK,
"AND SPICES, AND A LITTLE BIT
OF ROCK AND ROLL
PUT RIGHT IN THE CHILI."
BUT THE STRAW
THAT REALLY BROKE IT FOR ME
WAS THE DAY I WAITED
ON, UM, JOHN CORBETT.
TV'S HUNKY, JOHN...
- YEAH, HE'S FROM,
SEX AND THE CITY.
- UNITED STATES OF TARA.
- AIDAN. AIDAN.
- AIDAN.
- YEAH.
- BACK IN MY DAY,
HE WAS THE HOT DJ
FROM NORTHERN EXPOSURE.
- NORTHERN EXPOSURE.
YEAH.
SO HE COMES INTO...
- THANK YOU,
PUSHING-ALMOST-40-YEAR-OLD
OUT IN THE AUDIENCE.
WHAT'S UP?
UM...
- SO HE COMES INTO--
THIS IS WAY BEFORE HE STARTED
DATING BO DEREK.
- SO BEFORE. HE WAS DATING,
LIKE, A SKELETON
THAT WAS IN THE BOOTH
ACROSS FROM HIM.
AND SO I WAS TERRIFIED
FOR MANY REASONS.
ONE, JUST 'CAUSE HE WAS HOT
AND HE WAS ON TV.
AND THEN THAT GIRL,
I WAS, LIKE, "GOD,
"IF I BREATHE TOO HARD,
SHE MIGHT FALL TO DUST.
AND PLUS I'VE GOT TO SAY
THIS CHILI THING."
AND I JUST--SO MUCH
GOING ON IN MY MIND.
SO I WENT UP AND I WAS, LIKE,
"CAN I TAKE YOUR DRINK ORDER?"
AND HE LOOKED AT ME
AND HE WAS, LIKE,
"DO YOU HAVE DOWN SYNDROME?"
- IN HIS DEFENSE...
SOMETHING TELLS ME
YOU DIDN'T JUST GO
"CAN I TAKE
YOUR DRINK ORDER?"
- WELL, I MAY HAVE BEEN FROWNING
SO DEEPLY FROM THE INSIDE,
BUT TRYING TO PASTE
A SMILE ON IT.
AND I WAS JUST, LIKE--
- SEE, THAT DOES LOOK LIKE YOU
MIGHT HAVE DOWN SYNDROME.
- AAH! SO...
- WELL, I HOPE HE WATCHES
THIS SHOW AND FEELS BAD
ABOUT WHAT HE DID.
- I DON'T WANT HIM
TO FEEL BAD.
I JUST...
- 'CAUSE WHO THAT DOES
HAVE DOWN SYNDROME
WOULD YOU SAY TO THEM,
"SO DO YOU HAVE
DOWN SYNDROME?"
LIKE, WOULDN'T YOU JUST
LOOK AT--LOOK AND GO,
"I BET--I THINK I KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE
AND THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME
TO DISCUSS IT WITH THEM"?
"I'M NOT A DOCTOR.
I DON'T NEED TO DIAGNOSE
THE PERSON RIGHT HERE."
- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU
FOR INTERRUPTING ME
BECAUSE IT'S NOT A DISCUSSION
THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.
- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE MARY LYNN RAJSKUB
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION
WITH MARY LYNN RAJSKUB
IN PROGRESS.
- HEY, DOUG, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
GET TO INTERRUPT EVERYBODY?
WHY DON'T YOU GET UP ONSTAGE
AND TELL A STORY
AND LET SOMEBODY ELSE
DO THE INTERRUPTING?
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY IT.
YOU WANT TO INTERRUPT ME?
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DOUG BENSON ONSTAGE.
- LET'S SWITCH.
YOU SIT THERE.
I'LL COME OVER HERE...
- THIS SEAT IS HOT.
IT REALLY IS QUITE WARM.
I GOT IT.
- SO THIS IS A REVERSE
INTERRUPTION.
I WILL DO MY ACT,
AND YOU'LL INTERRUPT ME.
YOU DO--YOU DO DUMB THINGS
WHEN YOU'RE HIGH.
LIKE... YEAH.
- YEAH!
- IT'S INEVITABLE, LIKE...
HAVE YOU EVER DONE THIS?
YOU'RE LIKE WAITING
FOR AN ELEVATOR,
WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR,
WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR.
YOU SPEND, LIKE, YOU KNOW, TEN
MINUTES WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR.
AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE,"
MAYBE I'LL PUSH THIS BUTTON..."
- 'CAUSE YOU WERE SO HIGH.
I GET IT.
- YEAH, A LOT OF ELEVATORS--
- VERY...
- A LOT OF ELEVATORS--
- VERY GOOD JOKE, DOUG.
VERY GOOD JOKE.
- A LOT OF ELEVATORS
WORK ON INSTINCT,
BUT THIS ONE...
THIS ONE NEEDS TO BE
SUMMONED.
IT'S ALL, "...
"YOU GOTTA SUMMON ME.
I'M THE CHLOE O'BRIAN
OF ELEVATORS."
- PULL IN ON IT.
FROWN IT OUT.
- ...BUT MARIJUANA
DOES HELP ME TO APPRECIATE
THINGS, YOU KNOW, IN LIFE,
LITTLE THINGS LIKE...
- YEAH. LIKE...
LIKE I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
RECENTLY, I WENT INTO
A 7-ELEVEN.
NEVER FORGET.
AND...
I...
PURCHASED--
PURCHASED A COUPLE OF ITEMS.
I GOT A--
IF YOU MUST KNOW,
IT WAS A CAN OF VANILLA FROSTING
AND A BAG OF COOKIES.
YEAH. I HAD A BIG DAY
OF DIPPIN' AHEAD.
AND THE...
THE NICE INDIAN LADY
BEHIND THE COUNTER,
SHE RINGS UP MY ITEMS,
AND THEN SHE LOOKS AT ME
AND SHE'S LIKE,
"YOU LIKE BAG?"
YEAH, SHE JUST SAID THAT.
YOU LIKE BAG?
AND I WAS LIKE,
"ME LOVE BAG."
ME LOVE BAG LONG TIME.
ARE YOU JUST GONNA SIT THERE
AND NOT SAY ANYTHING?
- I FEEL RUDE INTERRUPTING.
I THINK IT'S RUDE.
I THINK IT'S REALLY RUDE.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MARY LYNN RAJSKUB!
CHECK YOURSELF FOR LUMPS!
GOOD NIGHT!
YOU'RE DOING MY SHOW.
- I'M SO EXCITED TOO.
I CAN'T WAIT--
- I CAN'T WAIT
TO INTERRUPT YOU.
- WAIT, WHAT?
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THEBENSON
INTERRUPTION,
WHERE TWO COMEDIANS
DO THE JOB OF ONE... COMEDIAN.
I'LL BRING OUT ONE
OF MY COMEDY FRIENDS,
WHO WILL TELL A JOKE, LIKE,
"IN THE RECENT ELECTION,
"I MEANT TO VOTE
FOR PROP 19,
BUT I THINK I MIGHT HAVE VOTED
FOR MAMBO NO. 5 INSTEAD."
AND THEN I'LL BE SITTING
OVER THERE IN THAT CHAIR,
AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"BECAUSE YOU NEEDED A LITTLE
MARIJUANICA IN YOUR LIFE?"
OKAY, ARE YOU READY
TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE
THIS COMEDIAN
FROM THE SHOW DELOCATED
ON ADULT SWIM.
AND HE'S ONE OF THE STARS
OF THE UPCOMING ANIMATED SERIES
BOB'S BURGERS ON FOX.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
EUGENE MIRMAN!
- HELLO.
I WAS IN DELAWARE--
DON'T BOTHER.
UM... AND I WAS--
- WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT IF SOMEONE'S WATCHING
IN DELAWARE?
- THEY AGREE.
I WAS DRIVING BACK TO NEW YORK
FROM DELAWARE,
AND I SAW A BILLBOARD,
AND IT WAS A GIANT--
IT WAS A REGULAR-SIZE
BILLBOARD--
IT WASN'T A GIANT--
IT WASN'T, LIKE,
TWICE THE SIZE OF--
IT WAS A NORMAL, BUT BIG,
IN MY OPINION.
AND IT SAID--
IT JUST SAID ON IT,
"ABORTION HURTS."
AND THEN IT HAD A DRAWING
OF A BUTTERFLY.
I DON'T KNOW
WHO THAT'S FOR.
LIKE, IS SOME GIRL
GONNA SEE THAT AND BE, LIKE,
"I WAS GONNA GET
AN ABORTION,
"BUT NOW THAT I REALIZE
IT HURTS,
"I GUESS I'LL JUST GIVE BIRTH
TO A CHILD.
BECAUSE I KNOW
THAT'S PAINLESS."
- MAYBE...
MAYBE IT'S A REFERENCE
TO THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT,
AND THAT IF YOU DON'T
HAVE A BABY,
THAT BABY COULD HAVE BEEN
PRESIDENT
AND SOLVED
ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS.
SO DON'T NOT HAVE
THAT BABY.
THAT COULD BE AN IMPORTANT BABY
YOU'RE NOT HAVING.
- THAT EASILY COULD BE
THE LOGIC OF THE BILLBOARD.
I CERTAINLY DON'T HAVE
A BETTER EXPLANATION.
- I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY
THEY'D DRAG
A ASHTON KUTCHER MOVIE
INTO THE SITUATION,
BUT...
- IT WAS A PICTURE
OF ASHTON KUTCHER FROWNING.
BEING, LIKE,
"ABORTION HURTS."
- ASHTON KUTCHER
DOESN'T LIKE ABORTIONS.
- YEAH.
- HE'S ALL SEXY-LOOKING.
- YEAH.
WHAT IF HE WAS ABORTED?
AND THEN PEOPLE WOULD BE, LIKE,
"THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE."
'CAUSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE PUNK'D.
- MY GOD, CAN YOU IMAGINE
A WORLD WITHOUT PUNK'D?
I CAN'T IMAGINE IT.
IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.
- WHO WOULD PARK A CAR
IN FRONT OF A PERSON
WHO'S, YOU KNOW,
MARIAH CAREY?
ANYWAY... AND HAVE HER
BE, LIKE, "MEH!"
THAT'S HOW SHE GETS MAD.
ANYWAY...
- THAT'D BE FUNNY IF
MARIAH CAREY'S PREGNANCY
WAS A PUNK'D.
LIKE, THEY WALK IN AND GO,
"YOU'RE NOT REALLY PREGNANT.
WE JUST PUT A PILLOW
IN YOU."
- UM, I DID A SHOW
IN A SMALL TOWN IN PENNSYLVANIA
AT A COLLEGE, AND AFTERWARDS,
MY FRIEND AND I,
WE WENT TO A CASINO THERE.
AND WE MUST HAVE--
WE LEFT AT, LIKE,
PROBABLY LIKE
3:00 IN THE MORNING,
AND IT WAS VERY HARD
TO CATCH A CAB.
AND WE WERE WAITING FOR, LIKE,
A HALF HOUR AND CALLING,
AND FINALLY THIS CAB CAME.
AND THEN THESE TWO OTHER GUYS
WERE, LIKE,
"HEY, CAN WE COME WITH YOU?
WE CAN'T GET A CAB."
AND SO WE LET THEM JOIN US.
AND THEN, AS WE WERE DRIVING,
THE FIRST THING THEY SAID IS,
"LET'S GO TO CAMPUS AND GET
SOME GRUB AND BABES."
THAT'S HOW WE KNEW
WE MET SOME CLASSY FOLKS.
BUT I SAID--
BECAUSE THEY WERE
FROM AROUND THERE,
I WAS, LIKE, "HEY,
DO YOU KNOW OF ANY PLACES
TO GET FOOD?"
AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"AW,
THERE'S ONLY FAST FOOD
RIGHT NOW."
LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY THOUGHT I WAS LOOKING FOR.
AND I WAS LIKE, ""
BUT INSTEAD OF SAYING THAT,
I WAS LIKE,
"THERE'S NO BISTROS
THAT ARE STILL OPEN?"
- "THERE'S NO ALL-NIGHT
FIVE-STAR DINING SITUATIONS?"
- NO. AND THEN
HE WAS LIKE, "NO, DUDE."
AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, IS THERE
LIKE A LOCAL ORGANIC MARKET,
WHERE I COULD MAYBE
GET SOME MESCLUN?"
AND THEN HE'S, LIKE,
"MAN,
YOU'RE SO FAR
FROM NEW YORK CITY!"
AND HE PROBABLY TOLD
ALL HIS FRIENDS
HE MET A FANCY CITY KID THAT
DIDN'T KNOW HOW THINGS WORKED.
WELL, HE'S REALLY
A DUMB
WHO'S NEVER HEARD SARCASM.
- DO YOU WANT TO SAY
"HE'S REALLY A DUMBASS,"
AND THEN WE WON'T HAVE
TO BLEEP ANY OF IT?
- I WANTED IT BEEPED
SO THAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK
I SAID.
AND NOW THE AUDIENCE AT HOME
WON'T KNOW IF I SAID THAT
OR
OR PHILANTHROPIST...
WHEN REALLY HE'S
A DUMBASS.
- HE'S A DUMBASS "C" WORD.
- NO, I SAID "CUR."
CUR...
HOW LONG BEFORE "CU" TO BE ABLE
TO AIR IT ON TELEVISION?
- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
- FU...
- THAT'S AN INTERESTING
QUESTION.
WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT.
- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE OF EUGENE MIRMAN
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I'M GONNA KEEP
INTERRUPTING EUGENE MIRMAN.
LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- YEAH, LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- LET'S DO IT. LET'S GET OUT
OUR MOBILE DEVICES.
- ALL RIGHT.
NORMALLY SUNDAY
IS A DAY OF REST,
BUT EROTIC STEP UP 3D
FAN FICTION
ISN'T GONNA WRITE ITSELF.
- I HAVE NOTHING
TO ADD TO THAT.
HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN A HAIKU
THAT'S A TWEET?
- NO. DID YOU?
- I DID.
- WOW.
YEAH.
THIS IS
A SPECIAL HALLOWEEN HAIKU
THAT I WROTE
AROUND HALLOWEEN.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A FEW DAYS AFTER.
WHATEVER.
DON'T MAKE SUCH A THING
OUT OF IT.
IF ZOMBIES SMOKED POT...
FIVE SYLLABLES.
MAYBE THEY WOULD SKIP
THE BRAINS.
SEVEN.
AND SETTLE FOR CAKE.
- NICE.
WELL, I HAVE ONE MORE TWEET.
- THAT'S THE PERFECT AMOUNT.
- I AM TWEETING
FROM THE MOON.
APRIL FOOL'S.
I AM GOING TO SLEEP.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
EUGENE MIRMAN.
- BYE-BYE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, DOUG.
- THIS PERFORMER
HAS BEEN A GUEST
ON MY PODCAST,
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND HE CAN BE SEEN
ON THE SHOW CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
ON "AD-ULT" SWIM.
YEAH, I CALL IT "AD-ULT" SWIM.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
ROB HUEBEL.
- HELLO.
HELLO.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
UM, I JUST FOUND A DOG,
YOU GUYS.
AND I'M KEEPING HIM,
BECAUSE HE IS AMAZING,
AND I DON'T CARE IF HE WAS YOURS
AND YOU LOST HIM.
YOU SCREWED UP,
AND HE'S MINE.
IF HE IS A GUIDE DOG
AND YOU ARE A BLIND PERSON,
SCREW YOURSELF.
I'M KEEPING HIM.
HE IS AWESOME.
HE'S A GERMAN SHEPHERD.
AND HE'S, LIKE, SO INTENSE.
LIKE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT GERMAN SHEPHERDS.
- ROB HUEBEL.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT...
DID YOUR DOG--
DOES IT HAVE A--
DOES IT HAVE
ONE OF THOSE HANDLES
THAT A BLIND PERSON--
LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU NOT BE SURE
IF IT BELONGED
TO A BLIND PERSON?
- IT DOES. YES, IT HAS ONE,
AND IT SAYS "GUIDE DOG."
HE HAS TAGS THAT SAY, "IF LOST,
RETURN TO THIS ADDRESS."
I THREW THOSE AWAY.
I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN FINDING HIS ORIGINAL OWNER.
- IT'S BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM
THAT MUCH?
- I LOVE HIM THAT MUCH.
HE'S AWESOME
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT COPS USE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, HE HAS FOUND
SO MUCH COCAINE IN MY HOUSE.
IT'S AWESOME.
I'M LIKE,
"WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
"I DON'T KNOW.
WE SHOULD GIVE IT BACK."
- PLUS, YOU COULD CROSS THE
STREET WITHOUT YOUR EYES OPEN.
- YES.
EXACTLY.
- THAT'S A FUN EXTRA THING
TO BE ABLE TO DO
WITH YOUR DOG WHEN YOU'RE OUT
TAKING HIM FOR A WALK.
- I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO FIND A DOG WALKER FOR HIM.
SO THIS GUY COMES OVER,
AND HE SEEMED, AT FIRST,
TOTALLY NORMAL.
I WAS SUPER PSYCHED.
AND SO, YOU KNOW,
I HAD TO GO TO WORK,
AND I'M AT WORK,
AND I GET A TEXT FROM HIM,
AND HE GOES, "HEY, BRO,
I'M SO SORRY.
I ATE ALL
OF YOUR JALAPENO CORNBREAD."
AND I WAS FURIOUS.
I WAS LIKE--
I TEXTED HIM BACK.
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, WE GOT
A BIG PROBLEM, MAN,
"BECAUSE I DON'T OWN
ANY JALAPENO CORNBREAD.
"YOU ARE IN THE WRONG HOUSE.
SO FIND WHERE I LIVE..."
- OR SOME STUFF HAS GONE
REALLY BAD IN MY REFRIGERATOR.
- THAT USED TO BE JELL-O.
NOW IT'S JALAPENO CORNBREAD.
AND SO THEN THE NEXT TIME
HE COMES OVER,
I WAS LIKE, ALL RIGHT, I'M
REALLY GONNA CHECK THIS GUY OUT,
MAKE SURE HE'S NOT
A TOTAL WEIRDO.
SO I'M KIND OF LOOKING AT HIM,
AND I'M MAKING SURE
HE DOESN'T SMELL LIKE ALCOHOL
OR HE'S NOT, LIKE, BLEEDING
OUT OF HIS EARS,
OR HE DOESN'T HAVE, LIKE,
A NECKLACE MADE OF HUMAN FINGERS
OR ANYTHING, SO...
- ALL SIGNS OF WEIRDOS.
- THOSE ARE--
YEAH, DEFINITE SIGNS OF WEIRDOS.
- THOSE ARE
THE TOP THREE WARNING SIGNS
OF A WEIRDO.
- DEFINITE TOP THREE.
- BLOOD OUT OF THE EARS.
- YEAH.
THAT'S A GIVEAWAY.
- THAT GUY'S A WEIRDO.
- THAT'S A GIVEAWAY.
- THERE'S NO LEGITIMATE EXCUSE
FOR BLOOD
COMING OUT OF YOUR EARS.
- YEAH, THAT'S SOMEONE--
- UNLESS YOU JUST CAME
FROM THE MOST AMAZING CONCERT.
- YEAH.
SO THIS TIME,
I GO AWAY,
AND I COME BACK,
AND I TOLD HIM, I SAID,
"LEAVE LIGHTS ON FOR THE DOG.
I DON'T WANT HIM
TO GET SCARED IN THE DARK."
I COME HOME,
THE DOG WALKER IS NOT THERE.
IT'S SILENCE OF THE LAMBS DARK
IN MY HOUSE.
SUPER, DUPER DARK.
AND I'M, LIKE, FEELING AROUND.
I DON'T KNOW
IF HE'S IN THE CORNER
WITH HIS NIGHT VISION GOGGLES ON
AND HIS PENIS TUCKED BACK
BETWEEN HIS LEGS.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE DEAL IS.
AND SO I TURN ON THE LIGHTS.
- PUT THE JALAPENO BREAD
IN THE BASKET.
- PUT IT IN THE BASKET.
PUT THE CORNBREAD
IN THE BASKET.
- WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE ROB HUEBEL
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION
WHERE I WAS JUST INTERRUPTING
ROB HUEBEL.
ROBBIE.
CAN WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- DO YOU WANT TO HAVE
A TWEET-OFF?
- I DO WANT TO HAVE
A TWEET-OFF.
- DOES THIS AUDIENCE
WANT A TWEET-OFF?
- ALL RIGHT.
- LET'S DO IT.
LET'S TWEET OFF.
- ALL RIGHT.
UM, HERE WE GO.
GOOD THING THEY DECIDED
TO CALL THEM HONEY NUT CHEERIOS
AND NOT TEENY TINY
BUTT HOLES.
- I'VE GOT HIV.
BUT DON'T WORRY,
I STILL GET TO DRAW
FOUR MORE SCRABBLE TILES.
- HE SAVED IT.
YOU SAVED IT.
- 'CAUSE IT STARTED OUT
KIND OF OFFENSIVE.
- POSSIBLY THE ONLY...
FUNNY... HIV JOKE.
THE MALE WOLF
SPRAYS A TINY AMOUNT OF URINE
EVERY TIME HE SEES
A FEMALE WOLF.
AND THEY DON'T MAKE SUCH A BIG
DEAL ABOUT IT.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ROB HUEBEL!
- THANK YOU.
- THAT WAS AWESOME.
YOU KNOW
THIS ACTOR-COMEDIAN
AS CHLOE FROM 24
AND FROM HER GUEST APPEARANCE
ON ABC'S MODERN FAMILY.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
MARY LYNN RAJSKUB.
- THANKS FOR THAT
VERY NATURAL INTRO.
DOUG, HI. HOW ARE YOU?
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT A PERSONAL STORY
FROM MY LIFE.
- OKAY.
WELL, JUST TELL THEM AND...
- NEVER MIND.
YOU'RE NOT THERE.
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.
TOO--TOO FAR?
- I'VE GOT A GREAT STORY
TO TELL YOU GUYS.
YOU.
- THAT WAS MY NATURAL SEGUE.
SO MY DREAM JOB
WAS TO BE A WAITRESS
AT THE HARD ROCK CAFE.
- SWEET GIG.
LATER IN LIFE WHEN I FIRST MOVED
TO LOS ANGELES,
I WAS ABLE TO MAKE
THAT DREAM COME TRUE,
BY GETTING A JOB
AT THE HARD ROCK CAFE
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD,
CALIFORNIA.
THEY WANTED US TO GO
TO THE TABLE AND SAY,
"HEY, TRY
THE HARD ROCK AND ROLL CHILI
"'CAUSE IT'S MADE WITH BEEF,
AND PORK,
"AND SPICES, AND A LITTLE BIT
OF ROCK AND ROLL
PUT RIGHT IN THE CHILI."
BUT THE STRAW
THAT REALLY BROKE IT FOR ME
WAS THE DAY I WAITED
ON, UM, JOHN CORBETT.
TV'S HUNKY, JOHN...
- YEAH, HE'S FROM,
SEX AND THE CITY.
- UNITED STATES OF TARA.
- AIDAN. AIDAN.
- AIDAN.
- YEAH.
- BACK IN MY DAY,
HE WAS THE HOT DJ
FROM NORTHERN EXPOSURE.
- NORTHERN EXPOSURE.
YEAH.
SO HE COMES INTO...
- THANK YOU,
PUSHING-ALMOST-40-YEAR-OLD
OUT IN THE AUDIENCE.
WHAT'S UP?
UM...
- SO HE COMES INTO--
THIS IS WAY BEFORE HE STARTED
DATING BO DEREK.
- SO BEFORE. HE WAS DATING,
LIKE, A SKELETON
THAT WAS IN THE BOOTH
ACROSS FROM HIM.
AND SO I WAS TERRIFIED
FOR MANY REASONS.
ONE, JUST 'CAUSE HE WAS HOT
AND HE WAS ON TV.
AND THEN THAT GIRL,
I WAS, LIKE, "GOD,
"IF I BREATHE TOO HARD,
SHE MIGHT FALL TO DUST.
AND PLUS I'VE GOT TO SAY
THIS CHILI THING."
AND I JUST--SO MUCH
GOING ON IN MY MIND.
SO I WENT UP AND I WAS, LIKE,
"CAN I TAKE YOUR DRINK ORDER?"
AND HE LOOKED AT ME
AND HE WAS, LIKE,
"DO YOU HAVE DOWN SYNDROME?"
- IN HIS DEFENSE...
SOMETHING TELLS ME
YOU DIDN'T JUST GO
"CAN I TAKE
YOUR DRINK ORDER?"
- WELL, I MAY HAVE BEEN FROWNING
SO DEEPLY FROM THE INSIDE,
BUT TRYING TO PASTE
A SMILE ON IT.
AND I WAS JUST, LIKE--
- SEE, THAT DOES LOOK LIKE YOU
MIGHT HAVE DOWN SYNDROME.
- AAH! SO...
- WELL, I HOPE HE WATCHES
THIS SHOW AND FEELS BAD
ABOUT WHAT HE DID.
- I DON'T WANT HIM
TO FEEL BAD.
I JUST...
- 'CAUSE WHO THAT DOES
HAVE DOWN SYNDROME
WOULD YOU SAY TO THEM,
"SO DO YOU HAVE
DOWN SYNDROME?"
LIKE, WOULDN'T YOU JUST
LOOK AT--LOOK AND GO,
"I BET--I THINK I KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE
AND THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME
TO DISCUSS IT WITH THEM"?
"I'M NOT A DOCTOR.
I DON'T NEED TO DIAGNOSE
THE PERSON RIGHT HERE."
- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU
FOR INTERRUPTING ME
BECAUSE IT'S NOT A DISCUSSION
THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.
- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE MARY LYNN RAJSKUB
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION
WITH MARY LYNN RAJSKUB
IN PROGRESS.
- HEY, DOUG, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
GET TO INTERRUPT EVERYBODY?
WHY DON'T YOU GET UP ONSTAGE
AND TELL A STORY
AND LET SOMEBODY ELSE
DO THE INTERRUPTING?
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY IT.
YOU WANT TO INTERRUPT ME?
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DOUG BENSON ONSTAGE.
- LET'S SWITCH.
YOU SIT THERE.
I'LL COME OVER HERE...
- THIS SEAT IS HOT.
IT REALLY IS QUITE WARM.
I GOT IT.
- SO THIS IS A REVERSE
INTERRUPTION.
I WILL DO MY ACT,
AND YOU'LL INTERRUPT ME.
YOU DO--YOU DO DUMB THINGS
WHEN YOU'RE HIGH.
LIKE... YEAH.
- YEAH!
- IT'S INEVITABLE, LIKE...
HAVE YOU EVER DONE THIS?
YOU'RE LIKE WAITING
FOR AN ELEVATOR,
WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR,
WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR.
YOU SPEND, LIKE, YOU KNOW, TEN
MINUTES WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR.
AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE,"
MAYBE I'LL PUSH THIS BUTTON..."
- 'CAUSE YOU WERE SO HIGH.
I GET IT.
- YEAH, A LOT OF ELEVATORS--
- VERY...
- A LOT OF ELEVATORS--
- VERY GOOD JOKE, DOUG.
VERY GOOD JOKE.
- A LOT OF ELEVATORS
WORK ON INSTINCT,
BUT THIS ONE...
THIS ONE NEEDS TO BE
SUMMONED.
IT'S ALL, "...
"YOU GOTTA SUMMON ME.
I'M THE CHLOE O'BRIAN
OF ELEVATORS."
- PULL IN ON IT.
FROWN IT OUT.
- ...BUT MARIJUANA
DOES HELP ME TO APPRECIATE
THINGS, YOU KNOW, IN LIFE,
LITTLE THINGS LIKE...
- YEAH. LIKE...
LIKE I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
RECENTLY, I WENT INTO
A 7-ELEVEN.
NEVER FORGET.
AND...
I...
PURCHASED--
PURCHASED A COUPLE OF ITEMS.
I GOT A--
IF YOU MUST KNOW,
IT WAS A CAN OF VANILLA FROSTING
AND A BAG OF COOKIES.
YEAH. I HAD A BIG DAY
OF DIPPIN' AHEAD.
AND THE...
THE NICE INDIAN LADY
BEHIND THE COUNTER,
SHE RINGS UP MY ITEMS,
AND THEN SHE LOOKS AT ME
AND SHE'S LIKE,
"YOU LIKE BAG?"
YEAH, SHE JUST SAID THAT.
YOU LIKE BAG?
AND I WAS LIKE,
"ME LOVE BAG."
ME LOVE BAG LONG TIME.
ARE YOU JUST GONNA SIT THERE
AND NOT SAY ANYTHING?
- I FEEL RUDE INTERRUPTING.
I THINK IT'S RUDE.
I THINK IT'S REALLY RUDE.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MARY LYNN RAJSKUB!
CHECK YOURSELF FOR LUMPS!
GOOD NIGHT!