The Benson Interruption (2010–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
- HEY, MAN.
- HEY, WHAT'S--
- I'M EXCITED TO HAVE YOU
ON THE SHOW.
- NO, I KNOW--
- IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.
- YEAH--
- I CAN'T WAIT TO INTERRUPT YOU.
- NO, I KNOW--
- AWESOME.
IT'S THIS WAY OVER HERE.
- I'M SORRY.
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THE BENSON
INTERRUPTION.
I'M DOUG BENSON.
I INTERRUPT PEOPLE FOR MONEY.
IT'S A TOTAL SCAM.
CHECK IT OUT.
ON THIS SHOW, WHAT HAPPENS IS
I'LL BRING OUT
A COMEDIAN FRIEND OF MINE
TO THE STAGE
WHO WILL STAND RIGHT HERE.
AND THEY WILL SAY,
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE
"I WANT TO SEE THAT NEW
MATT DAMON MOVIE HEREAFTER,
"BUT I'M AFRAID I WON'T GET IT
BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE
THE FIRST ONE HENCEFORTH."
AND THEN...
I'LL BE SITTING IN THAT CHAIR
RIGHT OVER THERE
WITH A MICROPHONE
AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE
"THOSE ARE THE DUMBEST WORDS
EVER TALKED."
OKAY, ARE YOU READY
TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
LET'S DO IT.
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE
THIS FUNNY FELLOW
FROM HIS APPEARANCES
ON RENO 9/11 AND...
I MEAN, 911!
AND HE HAS HIS OWN SHOW
RIGHT HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL
CALLED PRETEND TIME.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
NICK SWARDSON!
- THANK YOU, DOUGLAS. THANK YOU.
HI, EVERYONE.
EVERYONE LOOKS GREAT.
I MEAN THAT.
- IT IS AN ATTRACTIVE CROWD.
- YEAH.
- I WANT TO HAVE SEX
WITH MOST OF THEM.
BUT ONLY A LUCKY FEW
WILL BE CHOSEN.
I V--I VOTE
FOR POWER ORGY TONIGHT.
LET'S JUST DO A POWER--
POWER ORGY!
- WHAT DOES POWER ORGY MEAN?
THAT IT HAPPENS QUICKLY?
LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
IT'S A POWER ORGY.
- IT JUST HAPPENS
AGGRESSIVELY.
IT'S JUST LIKE GO, GO, GO!
GO, GO, GO, DONE!
IT'S LIKE A LITTLE STOPWATCH.
ONE MINUTE!
AND JUST--EVERYONE'S, LIKE--
IT'S JUST SUPER AGGRESSIVE.
- 48-SECOND POWER ORGY.
BEAT THAT.
- BEAT THAT, JAPAN,
OR, LIKE, SOME OTHER TEAM
THAT'S COMPETING.
BEAT THAT, INDIA!
POWER ORGY!
- FIVE-SECOND POWER ORGY.
IT'S LIKE A WHOLE NEW WAVE.
- FIVE SECONDS.
- IT'S THE OPPOSITE--
IT'S THE OPPOSITE
OF TANTRIC SEX.
IT'S JUST, LIKE,
I GET IT OVER FAST!
- I
INTO MY FAX MACHINE!
SEND IT! SEND IT!
EAT IT! DONE!
THAT'S SUCH AN AGGRESSIVE WAY
TO START THE SHOW.
THIS IS ONE THING
I WANTED TO TELL YOU.
- OKAY, YEAH, TELL ME.
- THIS IS A SPECIAL THING
FOR DOUG,
'CAUSE THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
- EVERYONE ELSE JUST HANG OUT
FOR A SECOND.
THIS IS JUST FOR ME.
- JUST RELAX.
NO, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
AND I--
IT MADE ME SO HAPPY.
I HAD BREAKFAST AT A DINER
THIS MORNING.
AND MY WAITER AT THE DINER,
I WAS, LIKE,
YOU KNOW,
MAKING CONVERSATION.
I'M, LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN?"
AND THIS IS 100% TRUE STORY.
WEST HOLLYWOOD.
THE WAITER GOES, "UM, WELL,
IT'S DOWN TO TWO THINGS.
"I'M EITHER
GONNA BE A SQUIRREL..."
IT'S ALREADY GOOD.
- STOP.
YOU, YOU HAVE YOUR COSTUME.
I DON'T CARE--I DON'T CARE
WHO THE NEXT ONE IS.
NO ONE'S GOING
AS A SQUIRREL.
YOU WILL REALLY--
YOU WILL REALLY STAND OUT.
- YOU CAN'T EVEN FATHOM
THE REST OF IT.
HE GOES "I'M EITHER GONNA BE
A SQUIRREL
OR A NAUGHTY AIDS NURSE."
WHAT?
HOW IS THAT A COSTUME?
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
A "NAUGHTY AIDS NURSE."
IT'S, LIKE, FIRST OF ALL,
WHAT'S THE NAUGHTY PART OF THAT?
LIKE, "AIDS."
LIKE, WHAT THE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- IT'S A SMALL OUTFIT.
IT'S A SEXY TIGHT OUTFIT.
THAT'S THE SEXY PART.
BUT THEN AIDS NURSE,
THERE'S NO SEXY PART.
- THERE'S NOTHING SEXY
ABOUT THAT.
- I'VE NEVER SEEN--
I'VE NEVER SEEN A SEXY NURSE
WITH A SPECIFIC...
- LIKE GENRE OF DISEASE.
- LIKE A SPECIFIC THING.
YEAH. LIKE,
"I'M A SEXY CARDIOLOGIST."
"I'M A SULTRY TUMOR NURSE."
IT'S, LIKE, "WHAT THE F--
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
- "SULTRY TUMOR NURSE."
IT'S NOT A TUMOR.
BUT ALSO,
WHEN YOU HAVE A CHOICE
BETWEEN A SQUIRREL OR...
- IT'S SO DIFFERENT!
- OR A SEXY--
- A SQUIRREL OR A NAUGHTY AIDS--
LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
- NAUGHTY AIDS NURSE
OR SQUIRREL,
HONESTLY, WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK
IS GONNA GET MORE NUTS?
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
- BOOM.
- AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
- IT HAS BEEN DECREED.
- SOMEBODY ASKED ME
IF I DID THE AIDS WALK
AND I SAID "EVERY TIME I WALK
IS AN AIDS WALK."
- YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU'RE STRETCHING
FOR AN AIDS WALK RIGHT NOW.
PEOPLE ASK ME TO
DO CHARITY ALL THE TIME,
WHICH I THINK IS COOL,
BUT I DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE
TO DO IT--
IT'S JUST, LIKE--
IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,
MARATHONS OR RUNS OR WALKS.
LIKE, WHY CAN'T IT BE
MORE RELAXED?
LIKE, WHY CAN'T CHARITY BE,
LIKE, AN AIDS NAP?
OR, LIKE...
WHY CAN'T WE LOUNGE
FOR HAITI?
LET'S JUST LOUNGE AROUND.
WHY DO I HAVE TO RUN AROUND
LIKE AN ASS?
- YEAH, HOW 'BOUT, LIKE--
- JUST EVERYONE JUST RELAX.
- HOW ABOUT A WATCH A MOVIE
YOU WERE GONNA WATCH ANYWAY
FOR CANCER?
- YES! EXACTLY!
- THAT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.
- HBO FOR CANCER.
- CALM DOWN.
WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE NICK SWARDSON
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS!
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION...
WHERE I'M GONNA KEEP
INTERRUPTING NICK SWARDSON.
YEAH, INTERRUPTION
IN PROGRESS.
- THIS IS MY NEW FASCINATION
ARE ALIEN-THEMED RESTAURANTS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
I'M FROM THE MIDWEST,
AND THEY HAVE A THING CALLED
ALIEN--
SPACE ALIENS.
AND IT'S A CHAIN RESTAURANT.
- CALLED "SPACE ALIENS"?
- YEAH.
BUT THEN THERE'S ALSO--
- ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T--
- I SWEAR TO GOD, DAWG!
AND THERE'S ONE IN NEW YORK.
AND IT'S ALL, LIKE,
SPACE ALIENS...
BUT LIKE, THEIR WHOLE MENU
IS, LIKE, "ORBIT SOUP."
LIKE, IT'S NOT EVEN--
I DON'T KNOW
WHO THIS RESTAURANT IS FOR,
AND WHO EATS--
IT'S LIKE--
- I'LL HAVE THE LUNAR SALAD,
PLEASE.
- IT'S SO STUPID
FAKE SPACE.
JUST LIKE, CAN I HAVE
THE SOLAR FINGERS?
IT'S LIKE, NO,
THEY'RE CHICKEN FINGERS.
LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHO'S THAT RESTAURANT--
WHO WANTS TO EAT IN SPACE
THAT BAD?
THEY'RE JUST SORT OF LIVING
THIS DELUSIONAL, LIKE...
"I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO
TO MARS,
BUT I CAN'T DO IT HERE.
I CAN HAVE SPACE SOUP,
FOLLOWED BY SATURN SANDWICH."
OR I DON'T KNOW.
- DO YOU HAVE SATURN RINGS?
"NO, BUT WE HAVE ONION RINGS."
LIKE THE ONE OPPORTUNITY
THAT DOES MAKE SENSE...
THEY TOTALLY BLOW IT.
THEY JUST NAME THOSE
ONION RINGS.
EVERYTHING ELSE IS, LIKE,
OUTER SPACE STEAK.
- MASHED PLUTODOS.
REALLY?
IT'S SO SWEATY AND AWFUL.
YOU GUYS LIKE SLEEPING?
I ALWAYS GET, LIKE,
IN TROUBLE.
DO YOU GUYS GET YELLED AT
FOR SLEEPING?
MY MOM'S ALWAYS, LIKE,
"DON'T SLEEP IN.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
I GOT UP EARLY, AND I WENT
TO THE STORE."
IT'S LIKE, "REALLY?
WHILE YOU WERE AT THE STORE,
"I WAS DREAMING,
OKAY?
"SO I WAS DOING
WHATEVER I WANTED.
"I WAS MY OWN
AT THE SUPER BOWL.
"DID YOU DO THAT
AT THE STORE?
"I DON'T THINK YOU DID.
WELCOME TO MY DREAM!"
- WHAT WOULD BE ANOTHER GREAT
THING TO DO AT THE SUPER BOWL?
'CAUSE LET'S SAY WE CAN'T USE
" MY OWN ."
IS THERE A CLEANER THING
THAT PEOPLE WOULD APPRECIATE
BEING ABLE TO DO
AT THE SUPER BOWL?
- I WAS AT THE SUPER BOWL
HIGH-FIVING MY OWN.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
NICK SWARDSON!
- THANK YOU.
- NICK SWARDSON!
THIS PERFORMER STARS
IN THE LEAGUE ON FX,
AND HE HAS A COMEDY CENTRAL
SPECIAL COMING SOON.
I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU
WHAT IT'S CALLED.
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND,
NICK KROLL!
- HOORAY!
HELLO. HI.
NICE TO SEE YOU ALL.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
SO I AM,
VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE.
UM, DOING STAND-UP ON TV
IS SOMETHING
THAT WE ALL DREAM OF
EVENTUALLY DOING.
AND I THINK ABOUT THE FIRST TIME
THAT I DID STAND-UP,
UM, AND IT WAS WHEN I WAS
A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE.
- IN MY CASE, I DREAM OF
JUST WATCHING SOMEONE ELSE
DO STAND-UP ON TELEVISION.
- IT'S HAPPENED, BRO.
- I'VE FINALLY MADE MY DREAM
OF JUST WATCHING
SOMEONE ELSE DO THE COMEDY.
- SO NOW, THE OTHER PIECE--
AND THIS WAS
MY BIG SET PIECE WAS
I WAS GONNA GET ONSTAGE
AND BE, LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT,
"I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE
SO NERVOUS,
BUT I'M ACTUALLY
QUITE RELAXED."
AND THEN I WAS GONNA
PISS MY PANTS.
BUT I WASN'T GONNA ACTUALLY
PISS MY PANTS.
I WAS GONNA HAVE
A WATER BALLOON
AND FILL IT WITH WATER.
- IF YOU'RE A PRO,
YOU'D FILL IT WITH PISS.
- WASN'T TOTALLY COMMITTED
TO THE CRAFT AT THAT POINT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
TONIGHT I'VE GOT
A BAGFUL OF PISS
IN MY POCKET.
SO I--I'M--
BUT I GET FREAKED OUT,
AND I SHOW UP
WITHOUT MY WATER BALLOON,
WITHOUT MY PEN.
SO I AM BACKSTAGE RUMMAGING
THROUGH THE GARBAGE,
LOOKING FOR ANYTHING.
SO I FIND A SANDWICH BAG
WITH A SANDWICH IN IT,
THROW THE SANDWICH OUT,
FILL THE BAG WITH WATER.
BUT THERE'S STILL, LIKE,
FLECKS OF WHEAT BREAD
FLOATING AROUND IN IT.
I GRAB A PEN,
I GET ONSTAGE, AND I GO,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, I THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA BE SO NERVOUS.
BUT I'M ACTUALLY
QUITE RELAXED."
IT JUST LOOKED LIKE
I WAS FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING
WHICH IS BASICALLY WHAT I'VE
BEEN DOING ONSTAGE EVER SINCE.
THERE YOU GO.
SO--SO WHEN I WAS
18 YEARS OLD,
I LIVED IN SPAIN FOR A YEAR.
OR AS THE SPANISH WOULD SAY,
I LIVE IN-A SPAIN FOR ONE YEAR.
- I WISH THERE WAS A TRANSLATOR
FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID.
- I WISH THERE WAS A TRANSLATOR
FOR EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAY.
- SAY, "FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING."
- BURIOUSLY MASTURBATING.
- MY.
WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE NICK KROLL
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION.
WE'RE HERE WITH NICK KROLL.
- HEY, DOUG.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- THAT SEEMS LIKE A
SPONTANEOUSLY GREAT THING TO DO.
- LET'S GO BACK AND FORTH
READING SOME TWEETS.
- CAN I TELL YOU WHAT
THE PASSWORD TO MY IPHONE IS?
- HAVE YOU EVER PUT A PASSWORD
ON A THING,
AND IT GOES,
"THAT PASSWORD IS WEAK"?
- LIKE, IT FEELS
LIKE YOU'RE TALKING
TO SOME STONER,
DRUGGED-OUT DUDE GOING,
"PASSWORD'S WEAK."
- THAT PASSWORD IS WEAK.
- THAT PASSWORD IS SO WEAK.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
UM, "THEY SHOULD PUT RANDY
QUAID'S FACE ON EVERY PRODUCT
THAT HAS NUTS IN IT."
#BECAUSEHEIS
- #ALLEGEDLY
- PROTECT YOURSELF.
- I'M COVERING MY ASS
EVEN ON TWITTER.
YEAH.
- GET MY TWITTER LAWYER
ON HERE.
- HE MIGHT NOT REALLY BE CRAZY.
- I READ THAT TWEET
THAT YOU WROTE TODAY.
YOU WROTE THAT TWEET TODAY
OR YESTERDAY.
- YEAH, THIS IS FRESH.
- YEAH.
OKAY, READY?
"JUST OVERHEARD ON THE TRAIN--
"'I LOVE THAT KID.
"BUT YOU DON'T WANT
TO LIVE WITH TOENAIL.'
SO, FYI,
TOENAIL EQUALS BAD ROOMMATE."
- THE NICKNAME TOENAIL
PROBABLY IS ENOUGH
OF AN INDICATOR.
- EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN LIVING
WITH TOENAIL,
I WEAR FLIP-FLOPS
IN THE SHOWER.
- TOENAIL.
- TOENAIL,
YOU ARE INCORRIGIBLE.
- "I BOUGHT
A NEW TOOTHBRUSH TODAY.
"MY OLD ONE
WILL BE AVAILABLE SOON
AT A GOODWILL OUTLET
NEAR ME."
PEOPLE WROTE BACK TO ME,
"EW, WHY WOULD THEY BUY
A USED TOOTHBRUSH?"
THANKS FOR GETTING JOKES.
- EXCEPT FOR LIKE @TOENAIL,
BEING LIKE,
"WHICH GOODWILL, BRO?"
'MEMBER?
'CAUSE OF HIS HYGIENE PROBLEMS?
- GO AHEAD.
- OKAY.
"IN MY NEXT LIFE,
I'M COMING BACK AS AS VUVUZELA
SO I CAN BE REALLY ANNOYING
AND STILL GET BLOWN A LOT."
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
NICK KROLL!
- BYE, DOUG.
- THIS ACTOR-COMEDIAN HAS BEEN
A GUEST ON MY PODCAST,
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND HE HAS HIS OWN PODCAST
CALLED THE NERDIST.
PLEASE WELCOME
MY NERDIST FRIEND,
CHRIS HARDWICK!
- HELLO.
HELLO, PEOPLE.
HELLO.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
YOU GUYS,
I AM FROM TENNESSEE.
OR 'MERICA!
AS I LIKE TO CALL IT.
- AMERICA!
- I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY,
AMERICA, CHRIS HARDWICK?
NO, 'MERICA!
APOSTROPHE-MERICA!
- THEN WHY DON'T THEY SAY--
- JESUS CHRIST, DOUG,
I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
- SORRY, CHRIS.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU GAVE ME A STARTLE.
- WHY DON'T THEY CALL IT
'ENNESSEE THEN
IF THEY SAY 'MERICA?
- 'CAUSE THEN
IT COMPLICATES IT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE
TOO MULTILAYERED.
YOU START CONFUSING REDNECKS,
THEY GET ANGRY, PUNCH THE AIR,
TAKE IT OUT ON MINORITIES.
IT'S A VERY DANGEROUS THING
FOR THEM TO DO, DOUG.
I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE FUN
OF 'MERICA TOO MUCH,
BUT WHERE ELSE
BUT IN 'MERICA
WOULD YOU GET THE DUGGAR FAMILY
OF ARKANSAS
AND THEIR 19 KIDS?
LET ME ASK YOU
A PHYSIOLOGICAL QUESTION.
- ME OR THE AUDIENCE?
- LADIES.
- OR JUST THE LADIES.
- OF WHICH YOU MAY BE A PART.
I'VE NEVER SEEN
YOUR MAN LUGGAGE.
- 'CAUSE MY BAGS
ARE ALWAYS PACKED.
- YOUR BAGS
ARE ALWAYS PACKED.
READY TO GO.
- WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?
THAT FAMILY WITH 19 KIDS.
- 19 KIDS!
- 19.
- ARE YOU EVEN AWARE
WHEN YOU'RE HAVING
YOUR 19TH CHILD?
DO YOU KNOW IT'S HAPPENING?
OR DOES YOUR BODY JUST
TURN INTO SOME KIND OF
DQ VANILLA SOFT SERVE MACHINE
THAT JUST...
SPITS OUT ORGANISMS?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.
"I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
FWOOP.
"THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
CATCH HIM."
- HE'S A QUICK ONE.
- HE'S A QUICK ONE
RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE.
- GOOD THING HE'S ON A LEASH
THAT'S CONNECTED TO ME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH CHRIS HARDWICK AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION.
WHO AM I INTERRUPTING NOW?
CHRIS HARDWICK,
OF COURSE.
YOU REMEMBER, DON'T YOU?
- DOUG, I'M SURE YOU
DO THIS TOO,
BECAUSE YOU ARE A TRAVELING,
BUSY COMEDIAN,
AS WELL.
I STAY IN A LOT OF HOTELS
ON THE ROAD.
WHICH I DO NOT ENJOY.
BECAUSE A HOTEL IS,
IS JUST A PLACE
WHERE PEOPLE RENT THE RIGHT
TO PUT THEIR BALLS
ON EVERYTHING.
LIKE, THEY DON'T--
THEY USE IT AS A TOOL.
LIKE, BETTER TURN
THE LIGHTS ON.
LIKE, THEY'LL JUST USE IT
BECAUSE
YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR BALLS
ON THINGS AT HOME.
YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
WOULD BE LIKE,
"WHY ARE THERE BALL PRINTS
ON THE LAMP?
THIS IS NOT A HOTEL."
AND...
SO IT'S--THEY'RE--
- I USE MY BALLS TO CHANGE
THE CHANNEL ON THE TV.
- YOU TWIST?
- NOT THE REMOTE.
I GO ALL THE WAY
UP TO THE TV.
- WHY DID I--
- I'M NOT LAZY.
- I,
I USED TO DRINK A LOT,
AS YOU MAY REMEMBER,
AND I, I NO LONGER DRINK.
I GAVE UP DRINKING
MANY YEARS AGO.
I CANNOT EVER GO
TO VEGAS AGAIN.
I CAN'T GO TO VEGAS EVER
BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE SOBER,
IT SUCKS.
VEGAS IS A LOT LIKE
A STRIPPER POLE.
IT IS VERY SHINY WHEN
VIEWED FROM A DISTANCE,
BUT WHEN YOU GET
UP CLOSE TO IT,
IT JUST SMELLS
LIKE POOP AND SADNESS.
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH VEGAS
IN A NUTSHELL.
DO YOU LIKE STRIP CLUBS?
DO YOU ENJOY GOING TO STRIP--
STRIPPING CLUBS?
- WELL, I DO
NOW THAT I KNOW
THAT YOU CAN SMELL THE POLE.
- I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT WAS AN OPTION.
- I--YEAH.
- I'VE BEEN SITTING BACK
IN MY SEAT LIKE A GENTLEMAN
WONDERING WHAT THAT POLE
SMELLED LIKE.
- LISTEN--EXACTLY.
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
- YES.
- DO YOU THINK PATRICK SWAYZE
NOW GOES UP BEHIND PEOPLE
IN POTTERY CLASSES
AND HUGS THEM JUST TO CRACK UP
OTHER GHOSTS?
- LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- WANNA HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- ALL RIGHT.
SO HERE--
OKAY, HERE'S ONE.
"DIARRHEA IS THE JAZZ
OF POOP."
- "I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR
BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY
BEING AWESOME."
- WELL PLAYED.
- THAT'S MORE TRUE THAN FUNNY.
"EVERYTHING AT WHOLE FOODS
SOUNDS LIKE A BAND.
"NOW I GOTTA GO WATCH
CUSTOM BUTTERS
OPEN FOR ORNAMENTAL CORN."
- WAIT A SECOND.
I WAS AT THAT SHOW.
DIDN'T THAT--
WASN'T THAT SHOW
OPENED BY HOMEMADE SOAP?
- YEP.
Y--
- "I THINK OF DESTINY'S CHILD
WHENEVER I PAY
MY AUTOMO-BILLS."
- SORRY,
BUT WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CHRIS HARDWICK!
WORKING HARD... WICK.
- GOOD-BYE, DOUG.
- THANK YOU, CHRIS.
DRINK EIGHT GLASSES
OF WATER A DAY.
GOOD NIGHT!
- HEY, WHAT'S--
- I'M EXCITED TO HAVE YOU
ON THE SHOW.
- NO, I KNOW--
- IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.
- YEAH--
- I CAN'T WAIT TO INTERRUPT YOU.
- NO, I KNOW--
- AWESOME.
IT'S THIS WAY OVER HERE.
- I'M SORRY.
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THE BENSON
INTERRUPTION.
I'M DOUG BENSON.
I INTERRUPT PEOPLE FOR MONEY.
IT'S A TOTAL SCAM.
CHECK IT OUT.
ON THIS SHOW, WHAT HAPPENS IS
I'LL BRING OUT
A COMEDIAN FRIEND OF MINE
TO THE STAGE
WHO WILL STAND RIGHT HERE.
AND THEY WILL SAY,
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE
"I WANT TO SEE THAT NEW
MATT DAMON MOVIE HEREAFTER,
"BUT I'M AFRAID I WON'T GET IT
BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE
THE FIRST ONE HENCEFORTH."
AND THEN...
I'LL BE SITTING IN THAT CHAIR
RIGHT OVER THERE
WITH A MICROPHONE
AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE
"THOSE ARE THE DUMBEST WORDS
EVER TALKED."
OKAY, ARE YOU READY
TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
LET'S DO IT.
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE
THIS FUNNY FELLOW
FROM HIS APPEARANCES
ON RENO 9/11 AND...
I MEAN, 911!
AND HE HAS HIS OWN SHOW
RIGHT HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL
CALLED PRETEND TIME.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
NICK SWARDSON!
- THANK YOU, DOUGLAS. THANK YOU.
HI, EVERYONE.
EVERYONE LOOKS GREAT.
I MEAN THAT.
- IT IS AN ATTRACTIVE CROWD.
- YEAH.
- I WANT TO HAVE SEX
WITH MOST OF THEM.
BUT ONLY A LUCKY FEW
WILL BE CHOSEN.
I V--I VOTE
FOR POWER ORGY TONIGHT.
LET'S JUST DO A POWER--
POWER ORGY!
- WHAT DOES POWER ORGY MEAN?
THAT IT HAPPENS QUICKLY?
LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
IT'S A POWER ORGY.
- IT JUST HAPPENS
AGGRESSIVELY.
IT'S JUST LIKE GO, GO, GO!
GO, GO, GO, DONE!
IT'S LIKE A LITTLE STOPWATCH.
ONE MINUTE!
AND JUST--EVERYONE'S, LIKE--
IT'S JUST SUPER AGGRESSIVE.
- 48-SECOND POWER ORGY.
BEAT THAT.
- BEAT THAT, JAPAN,
OR, LIKE, SOME OTHER TEAM
THAT'S COMPETING.
BEAT THAT, INDIA!
POWER ORGY!
- FIVE-SECOND POWER ORGY.
IT'S LIKE A WHOLE NEW WAVE.
- FIVE SECONDS.
- IT'S THE OPPOSITE--
IT'S THE OPPOSITE
OF TANTRIC SEX.
IT'S JUST, LIKE,
I GET IT OVER FAST!
- I
INTO MY FAX MACHINE!
SEND IT! SEND IT!
EAT IT! DONE!
THAT'S SUCH AN AGGRESSIVE WAY
TO START THE SHOW.
THIS IS ONE THING
I WANTED TO TELL YOU.
- OKAY, YEAH, TELL ME.
- THIS IS A SPECIAL THING
FOR DOUG,
'CAUSE THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
- EVERYONE ELSE JUST HANG OUT
FOR A SECOND.
THIS IS JUST FOR ME.
- JUST RELAX.
NO, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
AND I--
IT MADE ME SO HAPPY.
I HAD BREAKFAST AT A DINER
THIS MORNING.
AND MY WAITER AT THE DINER,
I WAS, LIKE,
YOU KNOW,
MAKING CONVERSATION.
I'M, LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN?"
AND THIS IS 100% TRUE STORY.
WEST HOLLYWOOD.
THE WAITER GOES, "UM, WELL,
IT'S DOWN TO TWO THINGS.
"I'M EITHER
GONNA BE A SQUIRREL..."
IT'S ALREADY GOOD.
- STOP.
YOU, YOU HAVE YOUR COSTUME.
I DON'T CARE--I DON'T CARE
WHO THE NEXT ONE IS.
NO ONE'S GOING
AS A SQUIRREL.
YOU WILL REALLY--
YOU WILL REALLY STAND OUT.
- YOU CAN'T EVEN FATHOM
THE REST OF IT.
HE GOES "I'M EITHER GONNA BE
A SQUIRREL
OR A NAUGHTY AIDS NURSE."
WHAT?
HOW IS THAT A COSTUME?
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
A "NAUGHTY AIDS NURSE."
IT'S, LIKE, FIRST OF ALL,
WHAT'S THE NAUGHTY PART OF THAT?
LIKE, "AIDS."
LIKE, WHAT THE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- IT'S A SMALL OUTFIT.
IT'S A SEXY TIGHT OUTFIT.
THAT'S THE SEXY PART.
BUT THEN AIDS NURSE,
THERE'S NO SEXY PART.
- THERE'S NOTHING SEXY
ABOUT THAT.
- I'VE NEVER SEEN--
I'VE NEVER SEEN A SEXY NURSE
WITH A SPECIFIC...
- LIKE GENRE OF DISEASE.
- LIKE A SPECIFIC THING.
YEAH. LIKE,
"I'M A SEXY CARDIOLOGIST."
"I'M A SULTRY TUMOR NURSE."
IT'S, LIKE, "WHAT THE F--
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
- "SULTRY TUMOR NURSE."
IT'S NOT A TUMOR.
BUT ALSO,
WHEN YOU HAVE A CHOICE
BETWEEN A SQUIRREL OR...
- IT'S SO DIFFERENT!
- OR A SEXY--
- A SQUIRREL OR A NAUGHTY AIDS--
LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
- NAUGHTY AIDS NURSE
OR SQUIRREL,
HONESTLY, WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK
IS GONNA GET MORE NUTS?
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
- BOOM.
- AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
- IT HAS BEEN DECREED.
- SOMEBODY ASKED ME
IF I DID THE AIDS WALK
AND I SAID "EVERY TIME I WALK
IS AN AIDS WALK."
- YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU'RE STRETCHING
FOR AN AIDS WALK RIGHT NOW.
PEOPLE ASK ME TO
DO CHARITY ALL THE TIME,
WHICH I THINK IS COOL,
BUT I DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE
TO DO IT--
IT'S JUST, LIKE--
IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,
MARATHONS OR RUNS OR WALKS.
LIKE, WHY CAN'T IT BE
MORE RELAXED?
LIKE, WHY CAN'T CHARITY BE,
LIKE, AN AIDS NAP?
OR, LIKE...
WHY CAN'T WE LOUNGE
FOR HAITI?
LET'S JUST LOUNGE AROUND.
WHY DO I HAVE TO RUN AROUND
LIKE AN ASS?
- YEAH, HOW 'BOUT, LIKE--
- JUST EVERYONE JUST RELAX.
- HOW ABOUT A WATCH A MOVIE
YOU WERE GONNA WATCH ANYWAY
FOR CANCER?
- YES! EXACTLY!
- THAT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.
- HBO FOR CANCER.
- CALM DOWN.
WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE NICK SWARDSON
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS!
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION...
WHERE I'M GONNA KEEP
INTERRUPTING NICK SWARDSON.
YEAH, INTERRUPTION
IN PROGRESS.
- THIS IS MY NEW FASCINATION
ARE ALIEN-THEMED RESTAURANTS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
I'M FROM THE MIDWEST,
AND THEY HAVE A THING CALLED
ALIEN--
SPACE ALIENS.
AND IT'S A CHAIN RESTAURANT.
- CALLED "SPACE ALIENS"?
- YEAH.
BUT THEN THERE'S ALSO--
- ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T--
- I SWEAR TO GOD, DAWG!
AND THERE'S ONE IN NEW YORK.
AND IT'S ALL, LIKE,
SPACE ALIENS...
BUT LIKE, THEIR WHOLE MENU
IS, LIKE, "ORBIT SOUP."
LIKE, IT'S NOT EVEN--
I DON'T KNOW
WHO THIS RESTAURANT IS FOR,
AND WHO EATS--
IT'S LIKE--
- I'LL HAVE THE LUNAR SALAD,
PLEASE.
- IT'S SO STUPID
FAKE SPACE.
JUST LIKE, CAN I HAVE
THE SOLAR FINGERS?
IT'S LIKE, NO,
THEY'RE CHICKEN FINGERS.
LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHO'S THAT RESTAURANT--
WHO WANTS TO EAT IN SPACE
THAT BAD?
THEY'RE JUST SORT OF LIVING
THIS DELUSIONAL, LIKE...
"I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO
TO MARS,
BUT I CAN'T DO IT HERE.
I CAN HAVE SPACE SOUP,
FOLLOWED BY SATURN SANDWICH."
OR I DON'T KNOW.
- DO YOU HAVE SATURN RINGS?
"NO, BUT WE HAVE ONION RINGS."
LIKE THE ONE OPPORTUNITY
THAT DOES MAKE SENSE...
THEY TOTALLY BLOW IT.
THEY JUST NAME THOSE
ONION RINGS.
EVERYTHING ELSE IS, LIKE,
OUTER SPACE STEAK.
- MASHED PLUTODOS.
REALLY?
IT'S SO SWEATY AND AWFUL.
YOU GUYS LIKE SLEEPING?
I ALWAYS GET, LIKE,
IN TROUBLE.
DO YOU GUYS GET YELLED AT
FOR SLEEPING?
MY MOM'S ALWAYS, LIKE,
"DON'T SLEEP IN.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
I GOT UP EARLY, AND I WENT
TO THE STORE."
IT'S LIKE, "REALLY?
WHILE YOU WERE AT THE STORE,
"I WAS DREAMING,
OKAY?
"SO I WAS DOING
WHATEVER I WANTED.
"I WAS MY OWN
AT THE SUPER BOWL.
"DID YOU DO THAT
AT THE STORE?
"I DON'T THINK YOU DID.
WELCOME TO MY DREAM!"
- WHAT WOULD BE ANOTHER GREAT
THING TO DO AT THE SUPER BOWL?
'CAUSE LET'S SAY WE CAN'T USE
" MY OWN ."
IS THERE A CLEANER THING
THAT PEOPLE WOULD APPRECIATE
BEING ABLE TO DO
AT THE SUPER BOWL?
- I WAS AT THE SUPER BOWL
HIGH-FIVING MY OWN.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
NICK SWARDSON!
- THANK YOU.
- NICK SWARDSON!
THIS PERFORMER STARS
IN THE LEAGUE ON FX,
AND HE HAS A COMEDY CENTRAL
SPECIAL COMING SOON.
I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU
WHAT IT'S CALLED.
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND,
NICK KROLL!
- HOORAY!
HELLO. HI.
NICE TO SEE YOU ALL.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
SO I AM,
VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE.
UM, DOING STAND-UP ON TV
IS SOMETHING
THAT WE ALL DREAM OF
EVENTUALLY DOING.
AND I THINK ABOUT THE FIRST TIME
THAT I DID STAND-UP,
UM, AND IT WAS WHEN I WAS
A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE.
- IN MY CASE, I DREAM OF
JUST WATCHING SOMEONE ELSE
DO STAND-UP ON TELEVISION.
- IT'S HAPPENED, BRO.
- I'VE FINALLY MADE MY DREAM
OF JUST WATCHING
SOMEONE ELSE DO THE COMEDY.
- SO NOW, THE OTHER PIECE--
AND THIS WAS
MY BIG SET PIECE WAS
I WAS GONNA GET ONSTAGE
AND BE, LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT,
"I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE
SO NERVOUS,
BUT I'M ACTUALLY
QUITE RELAXED."
AND THEN I WAS GONNA
PISS MY PANTS.
BUT I WASN'T GONNA ACTUALLY
PISS MY PANTS.
I WAS GONNA HAVE
A WATER BALLOON
AND FILL IT WITH WATER.
- IF YOU'RE A PRO,
YOU'D FILL IT WITH PISS.
- WASN'T TOTALLY COMMITTED
TO THE CRAFT AT THAT POINT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
TONIGHT I'VE GOT
A BAGFUL OF PISS
IN MY POCKET.
SO I--I'M--
BUT I GET FREAKED OUT,
AND I SHOW UP
WITHOUT MY WATER BALLOON,
WITHOUT MY PEN.
SO I AM BACKSTAGE RUMMAGING
THROUGH THE GARBAGE,
LOOKING FOR ANYTHING.
SO I FIND A SANDWICH BAG
WITH A SANDWICH IN IT,
THROW THE SANDWICH OUT,
FILL THE BAG WITH WATER.
BUT THERE'S STILL, LIKE,
FLECKS OF WHEAT BREAD
FLOATING AROUND IN IT.
I GRAB A PEN,
I GET ONSTAGE, AND I GO,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, I THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA BE SO NERVOUS.
BUT I'M ACTUALLY
QUITE RELAXED."
IT JUST LOOKED LIKE
I WAS FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING
WHICH IS BASICALLY WHAT I'VE
BEEN DOING ONSTAGE EVER SINCE.
THERE YOU GO.
SO--SO WHEN I WAS
18 YEARS OLD,
I LIVED IN SPAIN FOR A YEAR.
OR AS THE SPANISH WOULD SAY,
I LIVE IN-A SPAIN FOR ONE YEAR.
- I WISH THERE WAS A TRANSLATOR
FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID.
- I WISH THERE WAS A TRANSLATOR
FOR EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAY.
- SAY, "FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING."
- BURIOUSLY MASTURBATING.
- MY.
WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE NICK KROLL
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL
INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION.
WE'RE HERE WITH NICK KROLL.
- HEY, DOUG.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- THAT SEEMS LIKE A
SPONTANEOUSLY GREAT THING TO DO.
- LET'S GO BACK AND FORTH
READING SOME TWEETS.
- CAN I TELL YOU WHAT
THE PASSWORD TO MY IPHONE IS?
- HAVE YOU EVER PUT A PASSWORD
ON A THING,
AND IT GOES,
"THAT PASSWORD IS WEAK"?
- LIKE, IT FEELS
LIKE YOU'RE TALKING
TO SOME STONER,
DRUGGED-OUT DUDE GOING,
"PASSWORD'S WEAK."
- THAT PASSWORD IS WEAK.
- THAT PASSWORD IS SO WEAK.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
UM, "THEY SHOULD PUT RANDY
QUAID'S FACE ON EVERY PRODUCT
THAT HAS NUTS IN IT."
#BECAUSEHEIS
- #ALLEGEDLY
- PROTECT YOURSELF.
- I'M COVERING MY ASS
EVEN ON TWITTER.
YEAH.
- GET MY TWITTER LAWYER
ON HERE.
- HE MIGHT NOT REALLY BE CRAZY.
- I READ THAT TWEET
THAT YOU WROTE TODAY.
YOU WROTE THAT TWEET TODAY
OR YESTERDAY.
- YEAH, THIS IS FRESH.
- YEAH.
OKAY, READY?
"JUST OVERHEARD ON THE TRAIN--
"'I LOVE THAT KID.
"BUT YOU DON'T WANT
TO LIVE WITH TOENAIL.'
SO, FYI,
TOENAIL EQUALS BAD ROOMMATE."
- THE NICKNAME TOENAIL
PROBABLY IS ENOUGH
OF AN INDICATOR.
- EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN LIVING
WITH TOENAIL,
I WEAR FLIP-FLOPS
IN THE SHOWER.
- TOENAIL.
- TOENAIL,
YOU ARE INCORRIGIBLE.
- "I BOUGHT
A NEW TOOTHBRUSH TODAY.
"MY OLD ONE
WILL BE AVAILABLE SOON
AT A GOODWILL OUTLET
NEAR ME."
PEOPLE WROTE BACK TO ME,
"EW, WHY WOULD THEY BUY
A USED TOOTHBRUSH?"
THANKS FOR GETTING JOKES.
- EXCEPT FOR LIKE @TOENAIL,
BEING LIKE,
"WHICH GOODWILL, BRO?"
'MEMBER?
'CAUSE OF HIS HYGIENE PROBLEMS?
- GO AHEAD.
- OKAY.
"IN MY NEXT LIFE,
I'M COMING BACK AS AS VUVUZELA
SO I CAN BE REALLY ANNOYING
AND STILL GET BLOWN A LOT."
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
NICK KROLL!
- BYE, DOUG.
- THIS ACTOR-COMEDIAN HAS BEEN
A GUEST ON MY PODCAST,
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND HE HAS HIS OWN PODCAST
CALLED THE NERDIST.
PLEASE WELCOME
MY NERDIST FRIEND,
CHRIS HARDWICK!
- HELLO.
HELLO, PEOPLE.
HELLO.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
YOU GUYS,
I AM FROM TENNESSEE.
OR 'MERICA!
AS I LIKE TO CALL IT.
- AMERICA!
- I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY,
AMERICA, CHRIS HARDWICK?
NO, 'MERICA!
APOSTROPHE-MERICA!
- THEN WHY DON'T THEY SAY--
- JESUS CHRIST, DOUG,
I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
- SORRY, CHRIS.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU GAVE ME A STARTLE.
- WHY DON'T THEY CALL IT
'ENNESSEE THEN
IF THEY SAY 'MERICA?
- 'CAUSE THEN
IT COMPLICATES IT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE
TOO MULTILAYERED.
YOU START CONFUSING REDNECKS,
THEY GET ANGRY, PUNCH THE AIR,
TAKE IT OUT ON MINORITIES.
IT'S A VERY DANGEROUS THING
FOR THEM TO DO, DOUG.
I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE FUN
OF 'MERICA TOO MUCH,
BUT WHERE ELSE
BUT IN 'MERICA
WOULD YOU GET THE DUGGAR FAMILY
OF ARKANSAS
AND THEIR 19 KIDS?
LET ME ASK YOU
A PHYSIOLOGICAL QUESTION.
- ME OR THE AUDIENCE?
- LADIES.
- OR JUST THE LADIES.
- OF WHICH YOU MAY BE A PART.
I'VE NEVER SEEN
YOUR MAN LUGGAGE.
- 'CAUSE MY BAGS
ARE ALWAYS PACKED.
- YOUR BAGS
ARE ALWAYS PACKED.
READY TO GO.
- WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?
THAT FAMILY WITH 19 KIDS.
- 19 KIDS!
- 19.
- ARE YOU EVEN AWARE
WHEN YOU'RE HAVING
YOUR 19TH CHILD?
DO YOU KNOW IT'S HAPPENING?
OR DOES YOUR BODY JUST
TURN INTO SOME KIND OF
DQ VANILLA SOFT SERVE MACHINE
THAT JUST...
SPITS OUT ORGANISMS?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.
"I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
FWOOP.
"THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
CATCH HIM."
- HE'S A QUICK ONE.
- HE'S A QUICK ONE
RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE.
- GOOD THING HE'S ON A LEASH
THAT'S CONNECTED TO ME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH CHRIS HARDWICK AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION.
WHO AM I INTERRUPTING NOW?
CHRIS HARDWICK,
OF COURSE.
YOU REMEMBER, DON'T YOU?
- DOUG, I'M SURE YOU
DO THIS TOO,
BECAUSE YOU ARE A TRAVELING,
BUSY COMEDIAN,
AS WELL.
I STAY IN A LOT OF HOTELS
ON THE ROAD.
WHICH I DO NOT ENJOY.
BECAUSE A HOTEL IS,
IS JUST A PLACE
WHERE PEOPLE RENT THE RIGHT
TO PUT THEIR BALLS
ON EVERYTHING.
LIKE, THEY DON'T--
THEY USE IT AS A TOOL.
LIKE, BETTER TURN
THE LIGHTS ON.
LIKE, THEY'LL JUST USE IT
BECAUSE
YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR BALLS
ON THINGS AT HOME.
YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
WOULD BE LIKE,
"WHY ARE THERE BALL PRINTS
ON THE LAMP?
THIS IS NOT A HOTEL."
AND...
SO IT'S--THEY'RE--
- I USE MY BALLS TO CHANGE
THE CHANNEL ON THE TV.
- YOU TWIST?
- NOT THE REMOTE.
I GO ALL THE WAY
UP TO THE TV.
- WHY DID I--
- I'M NOT LAZY.
- I,
I USED TO DRINK A LOT,
AS YOU MAY REMEMBER,
AND I, I NO LONGER DRINK.
I GAVE UP DRINKING
MANY YEARS AGO.
I CANNOT EVER GO
TO VEGAS AGAIN.
I CAN'T GO TO VEGAS EVER
BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE SOBER,
IT SUCKS.
VEGAS IS A LOT LIKE
A STRIPPER POLE.
IT IS VERY SHINY WHEN
VIEWED FROM A DISTANCE,
BUT WHEN YOU GET
UP CLOSE TO IT,
IT JUST SMELLS
LIKE POOP AND SADNESS.
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH VEGAS
IN A NUTSHELL.
DO YOU LIKE STRIP CLUBS?
DO YOU ENJOY GOING TO STRIP--
STRIPPING CLUBS?
- WELL, I DO
NOW THAT I KNOW
THAT YOU CAN SMELL THE POLE.
- I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT WAS AN OPTION.
- I--YEAH.
- I'VE BEEN SITTING BACK
IN MY SEAT LIKE A GENTLEMAN
WONDERING WHAT THAT POLE
SMELLED LIKE.
- LISTEN--EXACTLY.
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
- YES.
- DO YOU THINK PATRICK SWAYZE
NOW GOES UP BEHIND PEOPLE
IN POTTERY CLASSES
AND HUGS THEM JUST TO CRACK UP
OTHER GHOSTS?
- LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- WANNA HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- ALL RIGHT.
SO HERE--
OKAY, HERE'S ONE.
"DIARRHEA IS THE JAZZ
OF POOP."
- "I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR
BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY
BEING AWESOME."
- WELL PLAYED.
- THAT'S MORE TRUE THAN FUNNY.
"EVERYTHING AT WHOLE FOODS
SOUNDS LIKE A BAND.
"NOW I GOTTA GO WATCH
CUSTOM BUTTERS
OPEN FOR ORNAMENTAL CORN."
- WAIT A SECOND.
I WAS AT THAT SHOW.
DIDN'T THAT--
WASN'T THAT SHOW
OPENED BY HOMEMADE SOAP?
- YEP.
Y--
- "I THINK OF DESTINY'S CHILD
WHENEVER I PAY
MY AUTOMO-BILLS."
- SORRY,
BUT WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CHRIS HARDWICK!
WORKING HARD... WICK.
- GOOD-BYE, DOUG.
- THANK YOU, CHRIS.
DRINK EIGHT GLASSES
OF WATER A DAY.
GOOD NIGHT!