The Benson Interruption (2010–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Doug Benson interrupts his friends TJ Miller, Adam Carolla and Graham Elwood as they do their sets in front of an audience.
- YOU'RE UP NEXT,
T.J. MILLER.
GET NICE AND CLEAN.
ARE YOU GONNA WASH
THE OTHER HAND?
- FOR WHAT?
- JUST TO BE NORMAL.
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE YOU ALWAYS GET
TWO COMEDIANS
FOR THE PRICE OF NONE.
MY COMEDIAN FRIENDS
WILL STAND HERE
AND TELL JOKES LIKE,
I JUST READ SOMEWHERE
MAYBE THAT MARIJUANA
STAVES OFF ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE,
SO I THOUGHT OF A NEW SLOGAN
FOR MARIJUANA.
MARIJUANA--
WHY FORGET TOMORROW
WHAT YOU...
CAN FORGET TODAY?
AND THEN I'LL BE SITTING
RIGHT OVER THERE,
AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"YOU ALMOST FORGOT YOUR SLOGAN
ABOUT FORGETTING."
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S START THE INTERRUPTION.
YOU KNOW OUR--
YOU KNOW OUR FIRST PERFORMER
FROM THE MOVIE
SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE,
IF YOU SAW THAT MOVIE.
AND HE'S IN THE FILM
UNSTOPPABLE,
PLEASE WELCOME THE UNSTOPPABLE,
AND MY FRIEND,
T.J. MILLER.
- YEAH!
I, UM...
I READ RECENTLY
IN THE NEWS--
AND BY THAT,
I MEAN MY COUSIN
WAS ON YAHOO!'S HOME PAGE
AND TOLD ME ABOUT THIS--
THAT A COUPLE,
A YOUNG COUPLE
TRIED TO SELL THEIR BABY,
IN THE PARKING LOT
OF A WAL-MART.
IT'S TRUE.
SO THEY ARE CLEARLY
METH HEADS, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE I SAW THEIR,
PHOTOS ONLINE.
AND DO YOU EVER--YOU KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE ON METH AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I WANT TO SCRATCH MY FACE."
AND SO YOU SCRATCH YOUR FACE
A LITTLE BIT
AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE,
"I WANT TO SCRATCH IT MORE."
SO YOU SCRATCH IT
A LITTLE BIT MORE.
AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "I CAN'T
SCRATCH MY FACE ANY MORE.
IT'S GONNA START BLEEDING."
BUT THEN YOU SCRATCH IT
ANYWAY.
THAT'S WHAT THESE GUYS
LOOK LIKE.
- THEY HAD REALLY
SCRATCHED-UP FACES?
- SUPER-SCRATCHED-UP FACES.
- MAYBE THEY...
HAVE A LOT OF CATS.
THAT'S RIGHT, CAT'S THAT--
- AND WHY WOULD YOU JUDGE THEM
AS METH HEADS
JUST BECAUSE THEIR FACES
ARE ALL SCRATCHED UP?
- I DON'T THINK
I'VE EVER SEEN SOMEBODY
WHO HAD
A REALLY SCRATCHED-UP FACE
AND LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE
ABOUT TO DIE
AND BEEN LIKE,
"I BET THAT PERSON HAS
MORE THAN THREE CATS,"
YOU KNOW?
BUT--
- WE GOT A MULTIPLE-CAT
SITUATION ON OUR HANDS.
- SO THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL,
'CAUSE I DON'T CARE ABOUT
THE SALE OF BABIES, REALLY,
OR ABOUT--
- HOW MUCH DID THEY WANT
FOR THE BABY?
- THAT'S THE THING.
THEY WERE CHARGING,
FOR THE BABY, $50.
SO...
NO, I THINK YOU'RE ING--
- THAT SEEMS LIKE
AN OVERPRICED BABY TO ME.
YOU COULD TOTALLY GET A BABY
FOR FREE
IF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT LADY.
- SO HOW MUCH DO THINK
A BABY REALLY IS WORTH, TRULY?
LIKE, $1,500?
- LIKE, IF THEY HAD AN ACTUAL
AMOUNT ON PRICE IS RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- LIKE, IF A BABY WAS PART
OF THE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN?
- YEAH.
- LIKE, SOMEBODY DID GREAT
AT PLINKO,
AND NOW THEY GET
TO MAYBE BID ON A BABY?
- YEAH. AND THEN--
AND SOMEBODY ELSE
HAD ALREADY SAID ZERO,
SO NOW YOU'RE LIKE,
"NO.
I GOT TO GET RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE," YOU KNOW?
I THINK A BABY'S WORTH,
WHAT, $1,500?
AT LEAST.
- WELL, WHY?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LIKE, CAN YOU PUT THEM TO WORK
RIGHT AWAY OR SOMETHING OR...?
- YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE
A LITTLE BABY--
- IT'S A DUMB LITTLE BABY.
YOU GOT TO TAKE CARE OF IT.
RIGHT?
- ALL RIGHT, $1,200.
- IS THAT THE END
OF THE BABY BIT?
- WELL, IT WASN'T REALLY
A BIT.
IT WAS JUST SOMETHING
THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT
AND WAS HOPING YOU'D BE ABLE
TO INTERRUPT ME PERIODICALLY
AND MAKE IT HILARIOUS.
I DID WHAT I COULD.
SO I WENT TO KANSAS CITY,
AND,
I WAS PLAYING A CLUB THERE,
AND I DO
THESE SHORT CHARACTERS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE?
- LITTLE, LIKE,
ALMOST LIKE IMPRESSIONS?
- YEAH, KIND OF.
THEY'RE, LIKE--
- LIKE, THIS IS A DUDE
WHO DOES THIS?
- YEAH, BUT I WAS DOING ONE--
IT'S A GIRL--
WHENEVER SHE LETS DOWN
HER HAIR,
SHE SHAKES OUT HER HAIR.
BUT SHE DOES IT FOR
A LITTLE TOO LONG, YOU KNOW?
SO IT'S LIKE,
"IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE."
BUT I--
I WASN'T ABLE TO FINISH IT,
BECAUSE SOMEBODY IN THE BACK,
OF THE CLUB YELLED,
"THAT'S HOW I EAT ****!"
- BUT AREN'T YOU AFRAID THAT
IF WE DO THIS BIT ON THE SHOW
AND THEY DROP OUT
THE WORD ****,
IT'S JUST GONNA BE YOU GOING,
"THAT'S HOW I EAT..."
- WELL, I'M HOPING--
- THAT'D BE A WEIRD WAY
TO EAT.
THAT'D BE A WEIRD WAY
TO EAT FOOD.
IT'S KIND OF A GOOD WAY
TO EAT OTHER THINGS.
I MEAN, ONLY ONE
OTHER THING, REALLY.
AFTER THIS BRIEF
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTION,
WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE BENSON INTERRUPTION.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION.
I'M BUSY INTERRUPTING
T.J. MILLER.
HEY, I'VE GOT A GOOD IDEA.
LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
LET'S DO IT.
YOU GUYS WANT TO HEAR
SOME TWEETS
THAT T.J. AND I HAVE WRITTEN.
WHAT'S YOUR--
WHAT'S YOUR NAME ON TWITTER?
- MY NAME IS NOTTJMILLER.
IT'S @NOTTJMILLER.
- SO WHAT IS IT THEN
IF IT'S NOT T.J. MILLER?
- BOY, IS THIS THE WHOLE END
OF THE SHOW?
- IT'S--YEAH,
JUST GONNA DO TEN MINUTES
OF ABBOTT AND COSTELLO-LIKE
ROUTINE ABOUT TWITTER.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME ON TWITTER?
- NOTTJMILLER.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
THAT'S MY NAME.
MY NAME'S NOTTJMILLER.
- BUT MY NAME'S NOTTJMILLER.
IT'S DOUG BENSON.
ALL RIGHT, SO I'M @DOUGBENSON
ON TWITTER,
AND HE'S NOTTJMILLER
ON TWITTER,
AND LET'S...
YOU GOT ONE READY?
YOU WANT TO READ ONE?
- YES, LET'S DO IT.
- ALL RIGHT,
HERE'S ONE THAT YOU'LL LIKE
'CAUSE YOU LOVE MOVIES.
A MOVIE ONE.
- I LIKE THAT.
WHAT WAS WHAT'S THE WORST
THAT COULD HAPPEN?
I FORGOT.
- IT WAS THAT MOVIE
WITH THE PEOPLE
THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER, 'CAUSE
THE MOVIE WAS SO TERRIBLE.
WASN'T IT, LIKE, DANNY DEVITO
AND MARTIN LAWRENCE?
- REALLY?
- I DON'T THINK SO--
- YOU'RE TWEETING ABOUT MOVIES
FROM, LIKE, TWO DECADES AGO?
- YEAH.
- IT'S A REALLY OLD MOVIE.
- YEAH, IT'S
AN OLDER MOVIE--'90s.
I THINK IT WAS '94.
- ALL RIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT,
HERE'S A MOVIE ONE.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
T.J. MILLER.
- THANK YOU.
- YAY.
MY NEXT GUEST IS THE AUTHOR
OF A NEW BOOK
CALLED IN 50 YEARS,
WE'LL ALL BE CHICKS.
YEAH, THAT'S INCLUDING
THE LADIES.
AND HE'S ALSO BEEN A GUEST
ON MY PODCAST,
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND HOSTS HIS OWN PODCAST.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
ADAM CAROLLA.
- THANK YOU.
I GOT A STORY, DOUG.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT.
LET'S HEAR IT.
- YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY IT
BECAUSE IT INVOLVES
MOVIES AND POT.
- WIN-WIN.
- YEAH.
DOUG'S SO HIGH RIGHT NOW,
HE'S THINKING,
"THOSE ARE
MY THREE FAVORITE THINGS."
MOVIES, AND, POT.
BOOM.
- WOW, MAN.
SO IT'S A SUNDAY MORNING.
IT'S ABOUT FIVE MONTHS AGO,
AND I'M WATCHING THE TELEVISION
WITH MY WIFE.
AND A COMMERCIAL COMES ON
FOR SEX AND THE CITY 2,
AND IT SAYS,
"COMING TO THEATERS MAY 27TH."
AND EVEN THOUGH
IT'S SOMEWHERE IN MARCH,
MY BIRTHDAY'S MAY 27TH,
SO I JOKINGLY ANNOUNCE
TO MY WIFE,
"WELL, WE KNOW HOW I'M SPENDING
MY BIRTHDAY."
OF COURSE,
SMASH CUT TO MAY 26TH.
I'VE FORGOTTEN
ALL ABOUT THIS PROCLAMATION.
YET MY WIFE HAS CALLED
EVERYONE I KNOW AND SAID,
"ADAM'S DYING TO SEE
THE OPENING NIGHT
"OF SEX AND THE CITY 2.
"WE'LL BE
AT THE ARCLIGHT HERE,
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF HOLLYWOOD."
AND OF COURSE,
JIMMY KIMMEL,
WHO MUST ATTEND
EVERY BIRTHDAY--
IT'S MANDATORY
WHEN YOU'RE GAY LIKE WE ARE.
HE'S--EVERYONE'S PISSED OFF
ABOUT IT.
NOW, NO ONE IS HAPPY
ABOUT THIS,
AND NO ONE KNOWS IT'S A JOKE
THAT I MADE TO MY WIFE
THAT SHE SWEARS,
"I DIDN'T--"
BY THE WAY, "I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE KIDDING."
REALLY, BITCH?
YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS KIDDING?
MADE FUN OF THE FIRST ONE
FOR THREE YEARS.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS KIDDING
ABOUT THE SECOND ONE?
OKAY.
- NOW, BE CLEAR THAT
YOUR WIFE'S NAME IS "BITCH."
- YEAH, YEAH.
- YOU WEREN'T--
YOU WEREN'T, LIKE,
BEING RUDE OR ANYTHING.
- SHE SPELLS IT WITH A "Y,"
BUT, YEAH.
- THAT WOULD BE PRETTY COOL--
BITCH CAROLLA.
- LIKE, "I'M WAITING
ON MY BITCH,"
AND, "HEY, BITCH!
GET BACK TO THE--
I'LL MEET YOU AT THE CAR."
- HOLD ON, ADAM.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I AM INTERRUPTING
ADAM CAROLLA.
ADAM.
- SO MY WIFE,
DECIDED TO TELL
TEN OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS
THAT WE'RE ALL GONNA GO SEE
SEX AND THE CITY 2
FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
EVERYONE'S
BITTERLY DISAPPOINTED.
BUT,
THEY'RE GOING ANYWAY,
'CAUSE THEY'RE TROUPERS,
AND WHEN WE GET
TO THE THEATER,
SOMEBODY HANDS ME
ONE OF THOSE POSTAGE-SIZED
STAMP THINGS OF MARIJUANA.
DOUG, DON'T GIVE ME THE
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
- YEAH, I HAVEN'T--
I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED THAT.
- YEAH.
- IT'S LIKE A BREATH STRIP.
- YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- BUT YOUR BREATH ISN'T MINTY
AFTER YOU USE IT.
- NO, IT'S BONG-Y.
- YEAH.
- IT'S BONG-Y.
- YEAH, IT SMELLS LIKE
A BONG TIPPED OVER
IN YOUR MOUTH.
- IT IS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY
FOR HOW HIGH YOU ARE GONNA BE
IN THE NEXT 15 TO 25 MINUTES
AND HOW HIGH YOU'LL REMAIN
THROUGH THE ENTIRE MOVIE
AND THROUGH DINNER
FOLLOWING THE MOVIE AS WELL.
IT TURNS OUT YOU DO ENJOY
IRONIC THINGS MORE
WHEN YOU'RE HIGH AS A KITE.
AND, THE OTHER THING
THAT WAS FUNNY TOO IS
KIMMEL BOOKED JUST ALL--
HE BOUGHT ALL THE TICKETS,
AND ALL HE COULD GET
WAS THE FRONT ROW.
AND THEY'RE LIKE--
EVERY TIME A GUCCI HANDBAG
COMES OUT,
THEY'RE LIKE,
"WHOO, YOU GO, GIRL."
AND AT A CERTAIN POINT,
WHEN THE POSTAGE STAMP
KICKS IN,
I'M KICKING IN TOO,
LIKE--
SO I'VE, FINISHED OFF
A COUPLE OF TUBS OF POPCORN,
AND I'M SCREAMING--
AND I GOT TO TELL YOU.
I ENJOYED THIS FILM
IN THIS STATE.
I-I REALLY DID.
I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NOW.
- YES,
EVERYTHING IS MORE FUN...
- RIGHT. RIGHT.
- EVEN--
EVEN SEX AND THE CITY 2,
AKA "DRAG ME BACK TO HELL."
- RIGHT.
- SO, NOW THERE'S
A LITTLE PROBLEM, THOUGH,
'CAUSE THE PARTY IS GONNA END
IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS,
WHICH IS--
SO I'M HAVING
THE TIME OF MY LIFE.
I'M HIGH AS A KITE.
BUT WHEN WE'RE LEAVING,
JIMMY AND I ARE WALKING OUT
AHEAD OF THE GROUP,
AND I SAY,
"WHERE ARE WE GOING?
HE SAYS,
"I GOT RESERVATIONS
"AT A RESTAURANT
JUST UP THE STREET.
WE'LL JUST WALK."
AND I SAID, "ALL RIGHT."
SO I'M STILL HIGH AS A KITE,
AND WE'RE WALKING
OUT OF THE THEATER.
AND AS SOON AS THE DOORS OPEN
AND WE SPILL OUT
ONTO SUNSET--
SUNSET BOULEVARD,
SOME GUY WITH A CAMCORDER
POPS OUT OF THE BUSHES,
SHINES THE LIGHT IN MY FACE.
HE'S FROM TMZ,
AND HE'S LIKE,
"HEY, MAN SHOW,
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
AT THE OPENING NIGHT
OF SEX AND THE CITY 2?"
AND I'M SO HIGH
AND FEEL SO HORRIBLE
AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
ABOUT IT
AND REALIZE THERE'S NO WAY
I'M GOING TO BE ABLE
TO GET THROUGH THE ENTIRE
JOKE PART OF THIS.
ALL HE KNOWS IS THE TWO GUYS
FROM THE MAN SHOW
ARE WALKING OUT ARM IN ARM
FROM THE OPENING NIGHT--
- THAT WAS KIND OF
UNNECESSARY--
THE HAND-HOLDING
AND THE SKIPPING.
- WELL, WE WERE MORE
MINCING THAN SKIPPING,
BUT I STILL--
I SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, YEAH.
SO IT'S MORE OF A FLUTTER
THAN IT WAS A SKIP,
BUT I GET YOUR VIBE, DOUG.
UM, SO HERE'S THE--
HERE NOW--
SO HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
SO THE GUY WHO SAID,
"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
"WATCHING THE OPENING NIGHT
OF, YOU KNOW,
SEX AND THE CITY 2?"
AND, THERE WERE
SIX OTHER MOVIES SHOWING THERE.
I DON'T KNOW--
THIS GUY CHECKED THE TIMES
OR SOMETHING.
AND WE JUST ROLLED WITH IT.
I'M JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW,
"PEOPLE SAY I'M A MIRANDA,
BUT I THINK,
I'M MORE OF A TERRY."
NO, WAIT A MINUTE,
WHAT'S THE OTHER CHICK'S NAME?
I WAS TOO HIGH.
WHO?
- CARRIE.
- YEAH.
- CARRIE.
- CARRIE.
I'M THINKING OF TERRY BRADSHAW,
THE NFL GREAT. THAT'S HOW--
THAT'S HOW GOD DAMN STRAIGHT
I AM, LADIES.
- WHOO!
- CONSTANTLY OVERCOMPENSATING
SINCE SEEING THIS MOVIE.
BUT, UM--
- SAMANTHA.
- SAMANTHA. SO THE--
- AND THE FOURTH ONE.
- THE FOLLOWING--
AND JIMMY'S PLAYING ALONG--
"CAN'T A COUPLE OF GAY GUYS
HAVE A NIGHT ON THE TOWN
WITHOUT BEING BOTHERED BY TMZ,"
AND ALL THIS KIND OF STUFF?
AND WE WENT SO OVER THE TOP
WITH IT
THAT WHEN I SAW IT ON TMZ
THE FOLLOWING DAY,
HARVEY LEVIN SAID,
"WAIT A MINUTE.
"WERE JIMMY AND ADAM
REALLY AT THE, OPENING
OF SEX AND THE CITY 2?"
AND THEY ALL LAUGHED
AT HIM.
AND THEY SAID,
"NAH, COME ON,
THEY WERE SEEING ANOTHER MOVIE.
DON'T BE AN IDIOT."
AND I WENT,
"WOW, THAT WAS A BULLET DODGED."
BUT THEN I REALIZED...
- THIS IS
A GREAT TECHNIQUE, GUYS,
FOR ANY KIND OF LYING--
INSTEAD OF DENYING IT,
LIKE, IF YOUR WIFE GOES,
"HEY, MAN, WERE YOU CHEATING?"
AND YOU GO,
"W-W-WHAT?
"I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
WHY ARE YOU POINTING
YOUR FINGER AT ME?"
THEN SHE'LL KNOW
YOU'RE CHEATING.
BUT IF SHE GOES,
"HEY, MAN, WERE YOU CHEATING?"
AND YOU GO,
"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I DO.
"I LOVE CHEATING.
"YOUR SISTER'S SUCH
A HOT PIECE OF ****,
"I JUST HAD TO TAP IT.
YEAH.
"OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT I DID.
OF COURSE I WAS ****
YOUR SISTER."
- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- DOUG, AT A CERTAIN POINT
IN THE SHOW,
DON'T WE DO ONE OF THOSE, UM,
WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM,
JACK-OFFS?
NO, NO, NO, TWEET-OFFS.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME
ON TWITTER, ADAM?
- I THINK IT'S--
I THINK IT'S ADAMCAROLLA.
- I JUST THINK--
I THINK IT'S JUST--
- IT'S ADAMCAROLLA, YEAH.
- YEAH,
YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON
TO KNOW WHAT
YOUR TWITTER NAME IS.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- SOMETIMES
THEY'LL NEVER TELL YOU.
- YEAH, I HAD TO BRING IN
A PIECE OF PAPER,
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO WORK MY PHONE.
AT LEAST 80% OF THE TIME
MY WIFE HANDS ME THE PHONE,
SHE GOES, "AND BE NICE."
- IT'S LIKE LIVING
WITH HOUSE OR SOMETHING.
- YEAH. IT'S BAD.
- ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH.
WHOO!
- WE SAW THAT ON BLU-RAY
THE YEAR BEFORE.
THAT'S HOW WE CELEBRATED
MY 45TH BIRTHDAY, ACTUALLY.
YEAH.
- EVERY YEAR
A DIFFERENT CHICK FLICK.
- YEAH.
NOW, THIS ONE STARTS OFF
IN A WEIRD WAY,
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW,
WHY I STARTED IT THIS WAY,
BUT IT STARTS OFF,
"SPEAKING OF SLEEPING BAGS..."
SO EVIDENTLY THERE WAS SOME
CHATTER ABOUT SLEEPING BAGS.
YEAH, IT WAS A TRENDING TOPIC
THAT YOU JUMPED ON.
- SURE.
IT'S ESOTERIC.
BUT I THINK IT SHOWS
MY RANGE.
- YOUR TWEETS,
WHEN YOU READ THEM,
THEY HAVE A LOT OF ACTING
IN THEM.
"BE NICE."
- YEAH.
- AND, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF
ARM-WAVING THAT YOU CAN'T--
- IT'S CALLED
ARTISTIC LICENSE, BUDDY.
- YEAH. I LIKE IT.
- WOW.
WELL, YOU MAY HAVE WON
THIS TWEET BATTLE, MY FRIEND,
BUT I SHALL RETURN
AND THIS TIME
ARMED WITH AN iPAD.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ADAM CAROLLA!
- YEAH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANKS, BUDDY.
THANK YOU.
- OUR NEXT PERFORMER
HAS ENTERTAINED THE TROOPS
IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ,
AND YOU MAY RECOGNIZE HIM
FROM HIS APPEARANCES
ON THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM.
HERE'S MY FRIEND,
GRAHAM ELWOOD.
- WHAT'S UP?
YOU AND I OBVIOUSLY
TRAVEL A LOT TOGETHER.
SO I WATCH A LOT OF MOVIES
IN HOTEL ROOMS AND ON TV,
AND I LOVE THE LITTLE
ONE-LINE DESCRIPTION
THAT THEY HAVE IN CABLE
OF A MOVIE,
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S LIKE,
A SERIOUSLY, LIKE,
CLASSIC,
REALLY COMPLEX MOVIE
THAT HAS ALL THESE LAYERS
TO IT--
THEY BOIL IT DOWN
TO ONE SENTENCE
THAT IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW
THE MOVIE,
IT WOULD MAKE NO SENSE,
AND THEY ALWAYS, LIKE,
MISS ALL THE IMPORTANT STUFF
IN THE MOVIE.
IT'S LIKE, A BOY RETURNS HOME
FROM THE WAR
TO TAKE OVER
HIS FAMILY'S BUSINESS.
THE GODFATHER.
- UM, OKAY, UM...
TWO WOMEN VISIT
THE BOTTOM OF THE GRAND CANYON.
THELMA & LOUISE.
A FACTORY WORKER
HELPS GET PEOPLE JOBS.
SCHINDLER'S LIST.
- UM, A YOUNG MAN
HAS TO LEARN TO USE
HIS OTHER HAND.
EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.
- DO YOU GOT ONE MORE?
- A YOUNG LADY PLAYS PINBALL.
THE ACCUSED.
- SHE DOESN'T EVER PLAY IT,
THOUGH, REALLY.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOOD POINT.
- AND ALSO,
I WATCHED THAT MOVIE.
WHY IN THAT SCENE--
WHY DIDN'T THE MACHINE TILT?
- THAT ONE IS A DOWNER.
LET'S THINK
OF A MORE CHEERY ONE.
I GOT ONE.
A LONG BOAT TRIP.
AMISTAD.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
THEY HAVE TO BE--
- THAT WAS REALLY--
THAT WAS A REALLY UPBEAT ONE.
THAT WAS A REALLY UPBEAT ONE.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
GRAHAM ELWOOD.
DON'T GET HIGH
AND FORGET TO VOTE.
GOOD NIGHT.
T.J. MILLER.
GET NICE AND CLEAN.
ARE YOU GONNA WASH
THE OTHER HAND?
- FOR WHAT?
- JUST TO BE NORMAL.
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE YOU ALWAYS GET
TWO COMEDIANS
FOR THE PRICE OF NONE.
MY COMEDIAN FRIENDS
WILL STAND HERE
AND TELL JOKES LIKE,
I JUST READ SOMEWHERE
MAYBE THAT MARIJUANA
STAVES OFF ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE,
SO I THOUGHT OF A NEW SLOGAN
FOR MARIJUANA.
MARIJUANA--
WHY FORGET TOMORROW
WHAT YOU...
CAN FORGET TODAY?
AND THEN I'LL BE SITTING
RIGHT OVER THERE,
AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"YOU ALMOST FORGOT YOUR SLOGAN
ABOUT FORGETTING."
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S START THE INTERRUPTION.
YOU KNOW OUR--
YOU KNOW OUR FIRST PERFORMER
FROM THE MOVIE
SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE,
IF YOU SAW THAT MOVIE.
AND HE'S IN THE FILM
UNSTOPPABLE,
PLEASE WELCOME THE UNSTOPPABLE,
AND MY FRIEND,
T.J. MILLER.
- YEAH!
I, UM...
I READ RECENTLY
IN THE NEWS--
AND BY THAT,
I MEAN MY COUSIN
WAS ON YAHOO!'S HOME PAGE
AND TOLD ME ABOUT THIS--
THAT A COUPLE,
A YOUNG COUPLE
TRIED TO SELL THEIR BABY,
IN THE PARKING LOT
OF A WAL-MART.
IT'S TRUE.
SO THEY ARE CLEARLY
METH HEADS, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE I SAW THEIR,
PHOTOS ONLINE.
AND DO YOU EVER--YOU KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE ON METH AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I WANT TO SCRATCH MY FACE."
AND SO YOU SCRATCH YOUR FACE
A LITTLE BIT
AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE,
"I WANT TO SCRATCH IT MORE."
SO YOU SCRATCH IT
A LITTLE BIT MORE.
AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "I CAN'T
SCRATCH MY FACE ANY MORE.
IT'S GONNA START BLEEDING."
BUT THEN YOU SCRATCH IT
ANYWAY.
THAT'S WHAT THESE GUYS
LOOK LIKE.
- THEY HAD REALLY
SCRATCHED-UP FACES?
- SUPER-SCRATCHED-UP FACES.
- MAYBE THEY...
HAVE A LOT OF CATS.
THAT'S RIGHT, CAT'S THAT--
- AND WHY WOULD YOU JUDGE THEM
AS METH HEADS
JUST BECAUSE THEIR FACES
ARE ALL SCRATCHED UP?
- I DON'T THINK
I'VE EVER SEEN SOMEBODY
WHO HAD
A REALLY SCRATCHED-UP FACE
AND LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE
ABOUT TO DIE
AND BEEN LIKE,
"I BET THAT PERSON HAS
MORE THAN THREE CATS,"
YOU KNOW?
BUT--
- WE GOT A MULTIPLE-CAT
SITUATION ON OUR HANDS.
- SO THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL,
'CAUSE I DON'T CARE ABOUT
THE SALE OF BABIES, REALLY,
OR ABOUT--
- HOW MUCH DID THEY WANT
FOR THE BABY?
- THAT'S THE THING.
THEY WERE CHARGING,
FOR THE BABY, $50.
SO...
NO, I THINK YOU'RE ING--
- THAT SEEMS LIKE
AN OVERPRICED BABY TO ME.
YOU COULD TOTALLY GET A BABY
FOR FREE
IF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT LADY.
- SO HOW MUCH DO THINK
A BABY REALLY IS WORTH, TRULY?
LIKE, $1,500?
- LIKE, IF THEY HAD AN ACTUAL
AMOUNT ON PRICE IS RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- LIKE, IF A BABY WAS PART
OF THE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN?
- YEAH.
- LIKE, SOMEBODY DID GREAT
AT PLINKO,
AND NOW THEY GET
TO MAYBE BID ON A BABY?
- YEAH. AND THEN--
AND SOMEBODY ELSE
HAD ALREADY SAID ZERO,
SO NOW YOU'RE LIKE,
"NO.
I GOT TO GET RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE," YOU KNOW?
I THINK A BABY'S WORTH,
WHAT, $1,500?
AT LEAST.
- WELL, WHY?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LIKE, CAN YOU PUT THEM TO WORK
RIGHT AWAY OR SOMETHING OR...?
- YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE
A LITTLE BABY--
- IT'S A DUMB LITTLE BABY.
YOU GOT TO TAKE CARE OF IT.
RIGHT?
- ALL RIGHT, $1,200.
- IS THAT THE END
OF THE BABY BIT?
- WELL, IT WASN'T REALLY
A BIT.
IT WAS JUST SOMETHING
THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT
AND WAS HOPING YOU'D BE ABLE
TO INTERRUPT ME PERIODICALLY
AND MAKE IT HILARIOUS.
I DID WHAT I COULD.
SO I WENT TO KANSAS CITY,
AND,
I WAS PLAYING A CLUB THERE,
AND I DO
THESE SHORT CHARACTERS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE?
- LITTLE, LIKE,
ALMOST LIKE IMPRESSIONS?
- YEAH, KIND OF.
THEY'RE, LIKE--
- LIKE, THIS IS A DUDE
WHO DOES THIS?
- YEAH, BUT I WAS DOING ONE--
IT'S A GIRL--
WHENEVER SHE LETS DOWN
HER HAIR,
SHE SHAKES OUT HER HAIR.
BUT SHE DOES IT FOR
A LITTLE TOO LONG, YOU KNOW?
SO IT'S LIKE,
"IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE."
BUT I--
I WASN'T ABLE TO FINISH IT,
BECAUSE SOMEBODY IN THE BACK,
OF THE CLUB YELLED,
"THAT'S HOW I EAT ****!"
- BUT AREN'T YOU AFRAID THAT
IF WE DO THIS BIT ON THE SHOW
AND THEY DROP OUT
THE WORD ****,
IT'S JUST GONNA BE YOU GOING,
"THAT'S HOW I EAT..."
- WELL, I'M HOPING--
- THAT'D BE A WEIRD WAY
TO EAT.
THAT'D BE A WEIRD WAY
TO EAT FOOD.
IT'S KIND OF A GOOD WAY
TO EAT OTHER THINGS.
I MEAN, ONLY ONE
OTHER THING, REALLY.
AFTER THIS BRIEF
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTION,
WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE BENSON INTERRUPTION.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION.
I'M BUSY INTERRUPTING
T.J. MILLER.
HEY, I'VE GOT A GOOD IDEA.
LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
LET'S DO IT.
YOU GUYS WANT TO HEAR
SOME TWEETS
THAT T.J. AND I HAVE WRITTEN.
WHAT'S YOUR--
WHAT'S YOUR NAME ON TWITTER?
- MY NAME IS NOTTJMILLER.
IT'S @NOTTJMILLER.
- SO WHAT IS IT THEN
IF IT'S NOT T.J. MILLER?
- BOY, IS THIS THE WHOLE END
OF THE SHOW?
- IT'S--YEAH,
JUST GONNA DO TEN MINUTES
OF ABBOTT AND COSTELLO-LIKE
ROUTINE ABOUT TWITTER.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME ON TWITTER?
- NOTTJMILLER.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
THAT'S MY NAME.
MY NAME'S NOTTJMILLER.
- BUT MY NAME'S NOTTJMILLER.
IT'S DOUG BENSON.
ALL RIGHT, SO I'M @DOUGBENSON
ON TWITTER,
AND HE'S NOTTJMILLER
ON TWITTER,
AND LET'S...
YOU GOT ONE READY?
YOU WANT TO READ ONE?
- YES, LET'S DO IT.
- ALL RIGHT,
HERE'S ONE THAT YOU'LL LIKE
'CAUSE YOU LOVE MOVIES.
A MOVIE ONE.
- I LIKE THAT.
WHAT WAS WHAT'S THE WORST
THAT COULD HAPPEN?
I FORGOT.
- IT WAS THAT MOVIE
WITH THE PEOPLE
THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER, 'CAUSE
THE MOVIE WAS SO TERRIBLE.
WASN'T IT, LIKE, DANNY DEVITO
AND MARTIN LAWRENCE?
- REALLY?
- I DON'T THINK SO--
- YOU'RE TWEETING ABOUT MOVIES
FROM, LIKE, TWO DECADES AGO?
- YEAH.
- IT'S A REALLY OLD MOVIE.
- YEAH, IT'S
AN OLDER MOVIE--'90s.
I THINK IT WAS '94.
- ALL RIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT,
HERE'S A MOVIE ONE.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
T.J. MILLER.
- THANK YOU.
- YAY.
MY NEXT GUEST IS THE AUTHOR
OF A NEW BOOK
CALLED IN 50 YEARS,
WE'LL ALL BE CHICKS.
YEAH, THAT'S INCLUDING
THE LADIES.
AND HE'S ALSO BEEN A GUEST
ON MY PODCAST,
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND HOSTS HIS OWN PODCAST.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
ADAM CAROLLA.
- THANK YOU.
I GOT A STORY, DOUG.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT.
LET'S HEAR IT.
- YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY IT
BECAUSE IT INVOLVES
MOVIES AND POT.
- WIN-WIN.
- YEAH.
DOUG'S SO HIGH RIGHT NOW,
HE'S THINKING,
"THOSE ARE
MY THREE FAVORITE THINGS."
MOVIES, AND, POT.
BOOM.
- WOW, MAN.
SO IT'S A SUNDAY MORNING.
IT'S ABOUT FIVE MONTHS AGO,
AND I'M WATCHING THE TELEVISION
WITH MY WIFE.
AND A COMMERCIAL COMES ON
FOR SEX AND THE CITY 2,
AND IT SAYS,
"COMING TO THEATERS MAY 27TH."
AND EVEN THOUGH
IT'S SOMEWHERE IN MARCH,
MY BIRTHDAY'S MAY 27TH,
SO I JOKINGLY ANNOUNCE
TO MY WIFE,
"WELL, WE KNOW HOW I'M SPENDING
MY BIRTHDAY."
OF COURSE,
SMASH CUT TO MAY 26TH.
I'VE FORGOTTEN
ALL ABOUT THIS PROCLAMATION.
YET MY WIFE HAS CALLED
EVERYONE I KNOW AND SAID,
"ADAM'S DYING TO SEE
THE OPENING NIGHT
"OF SEX AND THE CITY 2.
"WE'LL BE
AT THE ARCLIGHT HERE,
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF HOLLYWOOD."
AND OF COURSE,
JIMMY KIMMEL,
WHO MUST ATTEND
EVERY BIRTHDAY--
IT'S MANDATORY
WHEN YOU'RE GAY LIKE WE ARE.
HE'S--EVERYONE'S PISSED OFF
ABOUT IT.
NOW, NO ONE IS HAPPY
ABOUT THIS,
AND NO ONE KNOWS IT'S A JOKE
THAT I MADE TO MY WIFE
THAT SHE SWEARS,
"I DIDN'T--"
BY THE WAY, "I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE KIDDING."
REALLY, BITCH?
YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS KIDDING?
MADE FUN OF THE FIRST ONE
FOR THREE YEARS.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS KIDDING
ABOUT THE SECOND ONE?
OKAY.
- NOW, BE CLEAR THAT
YOUR WIFE'S NAME IS "BITCH."
- YEAH, YEAH.
- YOU WEREN'T--
YOU WEREN'T, LIKE,
BEING RUDE OR ANYTHING.
- SHE SPELLS IT WITH A "Y,"
BUT, YEAH.
- THAT WOULD BE PRETTY COOL--
BITCH CAROLLA.
- LIKE, "I'M WAITING
ON MY BITCH,"
AND, "HEY, BITCH!
GET BACK TO THE--
I'LL MEET YOU AT THE CAR."
- HOLD ON, ADAM.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK
TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I AM INTERRUPTING
ADAM CAROLLA.
ADAM.
- SO MY WIFE,
DECIDED TO TELL
TEN OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS
THAT WE'RE ALL GONNA GO SEE
SEX AND THE CITY 2
FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
EVERYONE'S
BITTERLY DISAPPOINTED.
BUT,
THEY'RE GOING ANYWAY,
'CAUSE THEY'RE TROUPERS,
AND WHEN WE GET
TO THE THEATER,
SOMEBODY HANDS ME
ONE OF THOSE POSTAGE-SIZED
STAMP THINGS OF MARIJUANA.
DOUG, DON'T GIVE ME THE
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
- YEAH, I HAVEN'T--
I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED THAT.
- YEAH.
- IT'S LIKE A BREATH STRIP.
- YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- BUT YOUR BREATH ISN'T MINTY
AFTER YOU USE IT.
- NO, IT'S BONG-Y.
- YEAH.
- IT'S BONG-Y.
- YEAH, IT SMELLS LIKE
A BONG TIPPED OVER
IN YOUR MOUTH.
- IT IS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY
FOR HOW HIGH YOU ARE GONNA BE
IN THE NEXT 15 TO 25 MINUTES
AND HOW HIGH YOU'LL REMAIN
THROUGH THE ENTIRE MOVIE
AND THROUGH DINNER
FOLLOWING THE MOVIE AS WELL.
IT TURNS OUT YOU DO ENJOY
IRONIC THINGS MORE
WHEN YOU'RE HIGH AS A KITE.
AND, THE OTHER THING
THAT WAS FUNNY TOO IS
KIMMEL BOOKED JUST ALL--
HE BOUGHT ALL THE TICKETS,
AND ALL HE COULD GET
WAS THE FRONT ROW.
AND THEY'RE LIKE--
EVERY TIME A GUCCI HANDBAG
COMES OUT,
THEY'RE LIKE,
"WHOO, YOU GO, GIRL."
AND AT A CERTAIN POINT,
WHEN THE POSTAGE STAMP
KICKS IN,
I'M KICKING IN TOO,
LIKE--
SO I'VE, FINISHED OFF
A COUPLE OF TUBS OF POPCORN,
AND I'M SCREAMING--
AND I GOT TO TELL YOU.
I ENJOYED THIS FILM
IN THIS STATE.
I-I REALLY DID.
I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NOW.
- YES,
EVERYTHING IS MORE FUN...
- RIGHT. RIGHT.
- EVEN--
EVEN SEX AND THE CITY 2,
AKA "DRAG ME BACK TO HELL."
- RIGHT.
- SO, NOW THERE'S
A LITTLE PROBLEM, THOUGH,
'CAUSE THE PARTY IS GONNA END
IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS,
WHICH IS--
SO I'M HAVING
THE TIME OF MY LIFE.
I'M HIGH AS A KITE.
BUT WHEN WE'RE LEAVING,
JIMMY AND I ARE WALKING OUT
AHEAD OF THE GROUP,
AND I SAY,
"WHERE ARE WE GOING?
HE SAYS,
"I GOT RESERVATIONS
"AT A RESTAURANT
JUST UP THE STREET.
WE'LL JUST WALK."
AND I SAID, "ALL RIGHT."
SO I'M STILL HIGH AS A KITE,
AND WE'RE WALKING
OUT OF THE THEATER.
AND AS SOON AS THE DOORS OPEN
AND WE SPILL OUT
ONTO SUNSET--
SUNSET BOULEVARD,
SOME GUY WITH A CAMCORDER
POPS OUT OF THE BUSHES,
SHINES THE LIGHT IN MY FACE.
HE'S FROM TMZ,
AND HE'S LIKE,
"HEY, MAN SHOW,
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
AT THE OPENING NIGHT
OF SEX AND THE CITY 2?"
AND I'M SO HIGH
AND FEEL SO HORRIBLE
AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
ABOUT IT
AND REALIZE THERE'S NO WAY
I'M GOING TO BE ABLE
TO GET THROUGH THE ENTIRE
JOKE PART OF THIS.
ALL HE KNOWS IS THE TWO GUYS
FROM THE MAN SHOW
ARE WALKING OUT ARM IN ARM
FROM THE OPENING NIGHT--
- THAT WAS KIND OF
UNNECESSARY--
THE HAND-HOLDING
AND THE SKIPPING.
- WELL, WE WERE MORE
MINCING THAN SKIPPING,
BUT I STILL--
I SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, YEAH.
SO IT'S MORE OF A FLUTTER
THAN IT WAS A SKIP,
BUT I GET YOUR VIBE, DOUG.
UM, SO HERE'S THE--
HERE NOW--
SO HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
SO THE GUY WHO SAID,
"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
"WATCHING THE OPENING NIGHT
OF, YOU KNOW,
SEX AND THE CITY 2?"
AND, THERE WERE
SIX OTHER MOVIES SHOWING THERE.
I DON'T KNOW--
THIS GUY CHECKED THE TIMES
OR SOMETHING.
AND WE JUST ROLLED WITH IT.
I'M JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW,
"PEOPLE SAY I'M A MIRANDA,
BUT I THINK,
I'M MORE OF A TERRY."
NO, WAIT A MINUTE,
WHAT'S THE OTHER CHICK'S NAME?
I WAS TOO HIGH.
WHO?
- CARRIE.
- YEAH.
- CARRIE.
- CARRIE.
I'M THINKING OF TERRY BRADSHAW,
THE NFL GREAT. THAT'S HOW--
THAT'S HOW GOD DAMN STRAIGHT
I AM, LADIES.
- WHOO!
- CONSTANTLY OVERCOMPENSATING
SINCE SEEING THIS MOVIE.
BUT, UM--
- SAMANTHA.
- SAMANTHA. SO THE--
- AND THE FOURTH ONE.
- THE FOLLOWING--
AND JIMMY'S PLAYING ALONG--
"CAN'T A COUPLE OF GAY GUYS
HAVE A NIGHT ON THE TOWN
WITHOUT BEING BOTHERED BY TMZ,"
AND ALL THIS KIND OF STUFF?
AND WE WENT SO OVER THE TOP
WITH IT
THAT WHEN I SAW IT ON TMZ
THE FOLLOWING DAY,
HARVEY LEVIN SAID,
"WAIT A MINUTE.
"WERE JIMMY AND ADAM
REALLY AT THE, OPENING
OF SEX AND THE CITY 2?"
AND THEY ALL LAUGHED
AT HIM.
AND THEY SAID,
"NAH, COME ON,
THEY WERE SEEING ANOTHER MOVIE.
DON'T BE AN IDIOT."
AND I WENT,
"WOW, THAT WAS A BULLET DODGED."
BUT THEN I REALIZED...
- THIS IS
A GREAT TECHNIQUE, GUYS,
FOR ANY KIND OF LYING--
INSTEAD OF DENYING IT,
LIKE, IF YOUR WIFE GOES,
"HEY, MAN, WERE YOU CHEATING?"
AND YOU GO,
"W-W-WHAT?
"I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
WHY ARE YOU POINTING
YOUR FINGER AT ME?"
THEN SHE'LL KNOW
YOU'RE CHEATING.
BUT IF SHE GOES,
"HEY, MAN, WERE YOU CHEATING?"
AND YOU GO,
"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I DO.
"I LOVE CHEATING.
"YOUR SISTER'S SUCH
A HOT PIECE OF ****,
"I JUST HAD TO TAP IT.
YEAH.
"OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT I DID.
OF COURSE I WAS ****
YOUR SISTER."
- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER THESE
COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- DOUG, AT A CERTAIN POINT
IN THE SHOW,
DON'T WE DO ONE OF THOSE, UM,
WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM,
JACK-OFFS?
NO, NO, NO, TWEET-OFFS.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME
ON TWITTER, ADAM?
- I THINK IT'S--
I THINK IT'S ADAMCAROLLA.
- I JUST THINK--
I THINK IT'S JUST--
- IT'S ADAMCAROLLA, YEAH.
- YEAH,
YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON
TO KNOW WHAT
YOUR TWITTER NAME IS.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- SOMETIMES
THEY'LL NEVER TELL YOU.
- YEAH, I HAD TO BRING IN
A PIECE OF PAPER,
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO WORK MY PHONE.
AT LEAST 80% OF THE TIME
MY WIFE HANDS ME THE PHONE,
SHE GOES, "AND BE NICE."
- IT'S LIKE LIVING
WITH HOUSE OR SOMETHING.
- YEAH. IT'S BAD.
- ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH.
WHOO!
- WE SAW THAT ON BLU-RAY
THE YEAR BEFORE.
THAT'S HOW WE CELEBRATED
MY 45TH BIRTHDAY, ACTUALLY.
YEAH.
- EVERY YEAR
A DIFFERENT CHICK FLICK.
- YEAH.
NOW, THIS ONE STARTS OFF
IN A WEIRD WAY,
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW,
WHY I STARTED IT THIS WAY,
BUT IT STARTS OFF,
"SPEAKING OF SLEEPING BAGS..."
SO EVIDENTLY THERE WAS SOME
CHATTER ABOUT SLEEPING BAGS.
YEAH, IT WAS A TRENDING TOPIC
THAT YOU JUMPED ON.
- SURE.
IT'S ESOTERIC.
BUT I THINK IT SHOWS
MY RANGE.
- YOUR TWEETS,
WHEN YOU READ THEM,
THEY HAVE A LOT OF ACTING
IN THEM.
"BE NICE."
- YEAH.
- AND, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF
ARM-WAVING THAT YOU CAN'T--
- IT'S CALLED
ARTISTIC LICENSE, BUDDY.
- YEAH. I LIKE IT.
- WOW.
WELL, YOU MAY HAVE WON
THIS TWEET BATTLE, MY FRIEND,
BUT I SHALL RETURN
AND THIS TIME
ARMED WITH AN iPAD.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ADAM CAROLLA!
- YEAH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANKS, BUDDY.
THANK YOU.
- OUR NEXT PERFORMER
HAS ENTERTAINED THE TROOPS
IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ,
AND YOU MAY RECOGNIZE HIM
FROM HIS APPEARANCES
ON THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM.
HERE'S MY FRIEND,
GRAHAM ELWOOD.
- WHAT'S UP?
YOU AND I OBVIOUSLY
TRAVEL A LOT TOGETHER.
SO I WATCH A LOT OF MOVIES
IN HOTEL ROOMS AND ON TV,
AND I LOVE THE LITTLE
ONE-LINE DESCRIPTION
THAT THEY HAVE IN CABLE
OF A MOVIE,
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S LIKE,
A SERIOUSLY, LIKE,
CLASSIC,
REALLY COMPLEX MOVIE
THAT HAS ALL THESE LAYERS
TO IT--
THEY BOIL IT DOWN
TO ONE SENTENCE
THAT IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW
THE MOVIE,
IT WOULD MAKE NO SENSE,
AND THEY ALWAYS, LIKE,
MISS ALL THE IMPORTANT STUFF
IN THE MOVIE.
IT'S LIKE, A BOY RETURNS HOME
FROM THE WAR
TO TAKE OVER
HIS FAMILY'S BUSINESS.
THE GODFATHER.
- UM, OKAY, UM...
TWO WOMEN VISIT
THE BOTTOM OF THE GRAND CANYON.
THELMA & LOUISE.
A FACTORY WORKER
HELPS GET PEOPLE JOBS.
SCHINDLER'S LIST.
- UM, A YOUNG MAN
HAS TO LEARN TO USE
HIS OTHER HAND.
EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.
- DO YOU GOT ONE MORE?
- A YOUNG LADY PLAYS PINBALL.
THE ACCUSED.
- SHE DOESN'T EVER PLAY IT,
THOUGH, REALLY.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOOD POINT.
- AND ALSO,
I WATCHED THAT MOVIE.
WHY IN THAT SCENE--
WHY DIDN'T THE MACHINE TILT?
- THAT ONE IS A DOWNER.
LET'S THINK
OF A MORE CHEERY ONE.
I GOT ONE.
A LONG BOAT TRIP.
AMISTAD.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
THEY HAVE TO BE--
- THAT WAS REALLY--
THAT WAS A REALLY UPBEAT ONE.
THAT WAS A REALLY UPBEAT ONE.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
GRAHAM ELWOOD.
DON'T GET HIGH
AND FORGET TO VOTE.
GOOD NIGHT.