The Batman (2004–2008): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Laughing Cats - full transcript

So someone snatched
an endangered black leopard.

Since I bet that cat's worth
some serious scratch.

I'd say that narrows
our list of suspects

considerably to,
oh, let me count, one.

This wasn't Catwoman.

Really,
this totally purrs Catwoman.

Just because she's
a cat burglar,

doesn't mean she's a cat thief.

Look at the number
of footprints.

This wasn't a solo job.

Hey,
you ought to consider



doing this for a living.

I also doubt
it's a coincidence

that the only other leopard
of its kind in captivity,

arrives in Gotham tomorrow,

as part of Amazing Leslie's
Animal Extravaganza.

So...

when do I get to say,
told you so?

It's okay, pretty kitty,
tut-tut, oh.

Now, handsome,
this isn't what it looks like.

Oh, let me guess,
it involves space aliens

and a road trip to Fresno.

Hm, couldn't find
a babysitter?

Good one.
Where's the other leopard?

I didn't steal
the other leopard.



But I am going
to steal this one.

Since you two missed
the show tonight,

here's your chance to catch
the wrestling gorillas.

Sorry, fellas.

Meow.

Kitty doesn't have time
to play, little one.

Oh, not bad.

Just wait
until I start trying.

Playtime's over.

Come on, precious.

Hello, kitties.

Joker?

Twisted dreams.

Well, looks like we're back
to my theory.

Catwoman stole the leopards.

I'm not so sure.

I found a strand of hair.

Okay?

It's green.

I never pegged you
for a cat person, Joker.

Me?
I despise the mangy beasts.

You see,
I snatched these kittens

for a recent business
acquaintance...

Mr. Kilgore Steed.

The Kilgore Steed?

That creep hunts
endangered species

on his private island.

Well, in exchange
for those leopards

Kilgore has promised to deliver
me the real cat's meow.

You're lucky
I'm tied up.

Bringing us back
to the subject.

I've always been told
there's...

more than one way

to skin a cat.

A true classic.

Of course, I tweaked
the punch line a smidge.

Modern audiences
like their humor

with a little more bite.

And here I thought
curiosity killed a cat.

My heroes.

Help her.

Come on, boys.

The cats.

Come on, we need
to go get those cats.

Uh, we?

You're off to the pound,
Catwoman.

Let's not be hasty,
handsome.

Do you know
where Joker's headed?

Hm, didn't think so.
Well, I do.

And if we don't hunt them down
toot sweet,

someone else will.

You're not falling for this.

Lead the way.

Catwoman leading the way?

Isn't that like calling in
Penguin for backup?

Land, ho.

Let's collect my booty, boys.

For years, Kilgore Steed's
been getting his kicks

by hunting
the rarest of the rare.

Wild animals belong
in the wild.

Not in cages,
not wearing silly costumes

and especially not being hunted.

You're pretty hardcore
about this.

Hm.

Animals are
what make me purr.

When you're not hunting jewels.

Always the sourpuss.
I bet he never lets you drive?

He barely lets me sidekick.

Knock, knock.

Evening, Joker.

You're supposed
to say who's there?

You've done well.

Hmm.

Manly décor. My trophies.

Each and every one imported
to my island.

So I could hunt them
within my private safari.

Ahhh.

What an amazing maze.

Adds to the thrill
of the hunt, it would seem?

In you go
kitties.

I believe you have something
for me?

They're gorgeous.

Albino hyenas,
the rarest of the rare.

Think they look
like their pa?

I-I wanna be sure
the pups

have a good sense
of humor.

And how do you determine that?

With a joke,
of course.

They know funny.

I know your heart was set
on a cat hunt.

But would it upset you much
if it was a cat and two bats?

If they've done anything
to those cats,

I will scratch
their eyes out.

You almost sound like
you're going hero on us.

Hey,
for the right cause.

You should give it try.

You might actually
make a good good guy.

I'd need a sidekick.

And with few
costume adjustments

you're not too far
from being a Catgirl.

Kilgore's compound is supposed
to be littered with traps.

Now hold those poses.

That's how I want you to look

when you're stuffed
and mounted on my wall.

What's your game, Joker?

The three of you, of course.

But before we play,

there are
a few simple ground rules.

Nah, ah, ah, ah.

Rule number one, no gadgets

or the pretty kitties
take the express train,

from endangered to extinct.

No.

My own bat and cat toys.

Why are you doing this?

'Cause my growing boys here
need fresh meat,

and plenty of it.

Oh, lookie.

A rare, poisonous arachnid
wants to join the fun.

Well, the more the merrier.

Off you go, Legs McGee.

Now, on your mark...

get set...

run for your lives.

Just a little something to help
keep our eyes-es on the prizes.

Moss. Too slippery to climb.

Oh, boys,

dinner is served.

Can't bear to look.

Come on.
Cut it out.

That tickles,
ha, ha, ha.

Boys? Sic her. She's a cat.

What kind
of crazy canines are you?

Sorry to burst
your balloon, Joker,

but hyenas are more closely
related to cats than dogs.

And by the way,
they're laughing at you.

Well, I'm gonna have
the last laugh.

Hyah!

Time to find the others.

Road map to Catwoman.

Yah!

Joker-brand catnip
will give you a Cheshire grin.

Not if I can help it.

You busted my boutonniere.

You're lucky that's all.

Shut up.

Ah.

Take this.

Find the cats.

Biometrics, Joker.

What are you, uh,
prattling on about, Batsy?

It only opens for me.

Then I'll just belt you one.

Mama's here, babies.

Looks like smiley could use
some Joker-gas antidote.

Let's get these leopards
back to their owners.

Oh, yeah, about that.

Oh, hey.

Sorry, kid, but I've taken
a shine to these darlings.

And seriously, if you ever
decide to make the switch

from sidekick
to partner in crime...

I'll be sure to look you up.

Here kitty, kitty, come on.

Ugh, what are you
waiting for? Come on.

You of all people should know,
cats don't like water.

Or being caged.

Always the sourpuss.

I can't believe I thought
there was some good in her.

I should have warned you
about her tricks.

She's a sly one.

I guess, leopards don't change
their spots.

You know,
it was your instinct

not to trust her
in the first place.

That mean you'll keep me?

You make a better Batgirl
than a Catgirl.

Good. Never was much
of a cat person anyway.