The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 3, Episode 9 - Super(Hero) Tuesday - full transcript

Previously on The Awesomes:

Mr. Awesome is
running for president?

And that's why
I'd like you to be

my new campaign manager.

That would be amazing,

I would love to.

I'm going to give
you information.

I'm going to let you decide

if you're going to look at it

or if you're going
to be a good son

and return it to him.



-Did you look at this?
-No.

That's good, son.

I can't tell you how much
your trust means to me.

Awesomes, I've come to warn you.

Mr. Awesome is evil,
he must be stopped.

(glass shatters)

Oh, my God,

it's the guy from
that alien jam band!

Dad?

You're alive.

♪

Yes, I'm alive.

And even better than that,

I'm not evil anymore.



On the downside,
Mr. Awesome is evil now

and if we're being honest

that's worse than me being evil

due to him being

the world's most
powerful superhero.

♪

But before I can
continue with all that,

can I just say
how impressed I am

with how you're all taking this?

I'd just assumed--

Get him!

Wait!

This reaction is more than fair

considering how I was acting

last time everyone saw me.

But, Katherine, you
have to believe me.

Besides...

If I was evil,

wouldn't I be using
my mind control?

♪

And if I'm right and
Mr. Awesome is evil,

the sooner people know,
the better chance

we have of stopping him.

♪

Stop; I can't believe it.

Can no one have the
decency to stay dead?

Although I should
be careful what I say,

I thought Hotwire was dead

and I was super happy
when she came back.

You can't be cool with something
when it breaks your way

and then against it
when it doesn't.

The important thing is
I'm gonna catch Malocchio,

which is going
to blow Dad's mind.

This on top of being
his campaign manager

makes for one hell of a month

in regards to
father/son relations.

Let's do this; start.

(grunting)

-Hey!
-I've got him!

-Me too!
-We need light!

Stop wriggling and
accept your fate.

If one of you
thinks there's even

a tiny chance
that it is your hand

currently up my butt,
please retract it!

Whoa.

He got away, y'all.

♪

Wait, I got him.

Oh, you're not Malocchio.

Also, I think it might
be my hand up your butt.

Retract it!

♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪

♪ Yeah, well,
this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

♪

♪

Well, election day is here,

and a race
that was once neck

and crazy-thick
superhero neck

in the polls now
looks like a blowout.

After a series of missteps

early in the campaign,

Mr. Awesome brought
on his genius son,

whose deft management
of his father's campaign

has won praise from
both sides of the aisle.

That boy might look like
he was weaned on a corncob,

but he is as bright
as a grease fire

on the ninth of July.

Mr. Awesome has been humble

despite the good poll numbers.

If the good people
of this great nation

choose to vote for me,

well, that would be
the greatest honor

of my life.

Now, once we win the election,

I'm going to want
to enslave humanity

as soon as possible.

Are the mercenaries
armed and ready?

-Yes, sir.
-Good, very good.

If I may ask,

why don't we just
enslave humanity now?

I'd love to get going
on some new pyramids.

Why bother with the election?

Let's just say
there's something I need

that I can only
get as president.

Now, will we see any
superhero resistance

once I reveal my true plan?

Based on secret discussions,

most teams will fall in line.

But others will
be defeated quickly.

Should we be worried
about the Awesomes For Hire?

(laughing)

All jokes aside though,

what about Perfect Man?

I mean, he's never really
gelled with this new team,

you know, which
is ironic, you know,

for someone who
uses so much hair gel.

I don't even think
he knows our names.

He keeps calling
me Pigeon Guy.

He calls me The Mummy.

He did call me
Rocket Boobs once,

but I think he was
just describing me.

His heart still seems
to be with the old gang.

Hm, that could be problematic.

He's the only
hero strong enough

to potentially stop me.

Where is he now?

Oh, he's out skipping
rocks on the pier.

I think he's having some
sort of identity crisis.

♪

Hm.

♪

I need to tell my dad
Malocchio is back.

-Prock, no.
-Why not?

What if my dad is right?

What if Mr. Awesome
has been turned evil?

Hotwire, are you kidding me?

You think my dad's evil?

It's an old-fashioned
dad versus dad showdown.

I mean, we all agree
he's been acting strange

ever since he came back.

I've known him for a long time,

and something
is definitely off.

Yeah, he gives
me a skeevy vibe,

and that should be valued

because I'm an excellent
judge of character.

I was so excited to meet him.

And it has been a total letdown.

A real Whaley situation for me.

A real Humanu situation for me.

Hey!

Well, as his son,
I'm happy to report

that I think he's
never been nicer.

Right.

"Right" what?

I mean, if there's
anything that proves

something is wrong
with your father,

it's that.

I've seen the two of you
interact my whole life

and I've never seen
him be this nice to you.

Are you saying
the fact that my dad

is being nice to me
proves he's evil?

That is what I was saying,

but now that I see
how sad it's making you,

I'm going to try to pretend

that I was saying
something else,

but I can't, uh, come
up with, uh, anything.

Uh, sorry, buddy.

All I'm saying is we
should find my dad first

and figure out if
he's telling the truth.

Then we tell your dad.

I'm sorry, but I
can't lie to my father.

And besides,
what makes you think

this is the right
group to find anyone?

I don't know if any of you
have been paying attention,

but we're second rate heroes.

Second rate?

That's two rates
better than the meat

we used to eat as kids.

Do whatever you want, but
I have a campaign to run.

And Hotwire, I'm not stupid.

I know it was you
that blew the lights.

♪

(repeated splashes)

How can someone be perfect

if they don't even know
who they really are?

That was good.

Maybe my father was a poet.

Hey, Mr. Awesome, were
there any famous poets

who could fly and shoot
lasers out of their eyes?

Not that I know of.

I can't help
noticing that you look

out of sorts,
Perfect Man.

I'm sorry, Mr. A.

I don't want to let you down.

It's just I--I haven't
been myself lately.

It happens to all of us.

In fact, I know
just what you need.

It's where I go
to relax and unplug.

Wow, what is it?

It's a stress reduction pod.

I designed it for myself,

but it would work for you

since we have
the same powers.

I don't know,
it's election day.

Don't you need me
to knock down doors?

On election day,
you knock on doors.

You don't knock them down.

Well, I was definitely
gonna do that wrong.

Perfect Man,
what I need most

is for you to be
happy and healthy.

Jump on in.

Ah, this is nice.

And at the same time a
little claustrophobic.

Kind of like a
really small elevator

or a tiny prison cell.

Oh, you know what
it reminds me of,

one of those pods
where you freeze a person

you're trying to get
rid of, like a bad guy,

or a bad guy would use
it to freeze a good guy.

Why, that's exactly
what it is, Perfect Man.

But--no!

♪

So he just got in
without a struggle?

He's gonna regret that
when he's unfrozen.

Oh, that's years away.

I'm sorry, but
could someone

throw a towel over the window?

His face is kind
of freaking me out.

I think it's because
he's about to sneeze.

(sneezes)

-Bless you.
-Thanks, Mr.--

Oh no.

Oh, dammit.

♪

Now what do we do?

Well, we have an hour
to kill before dinner.

Want to see what's on the DVR?

No, I mean about Dr. Malocchio.

We have to find him
before Mr. Awesome does.

Find him so you can
let him get away again?

I did blow the lights,
I'll admit to that,

and if my father is lying,
you can throw me in jail.

Pardon me if I don't
trust you having my back

if we meet up
with Malocchio again.

Agreed, which is
why I'm not going.

Where are you going?

Awesome Mountain to see
if I can dig up any dirt.

We've all been suspicious
of Mr. Awesome long enough.

Let's find proof.

Good luck getting in that place.

It's a fortress.

I bet you could get me in.

Good luck finding anyone

who would take that bet
because of course I can.

It seems like you can't go

to a feminist poetry
reading anymore

without coming home to
find your house destroyed.

Ah, this reminds me of the poem,

"A House Destroyed"
by Janice of St. Joan.

"A house destroyed.

My uterus aches.

It longs for a time

when houses weren't destroyed--"

Jeffry!

I assume we're going
to get this cleaned up.

The fate of the
world is at stake.

I said, "I assume we're
going to get this cleaned up."

Yes, Doctor
Stein-Awesome-Kaplan.

Okay, so find him, you guys.

Clean up first,
but then find him.

Where do we even start?

He could be anywhere.

I know exactly where he'll be.

♪

Ghost husband?

It's about time you showed up.

I hope you're here to
protect me and not haunt me,

but either way
it will be fun

to have a spooky
spirit around.

Okay, I am not a ghost,

I'm alive and I need your help.

Well, let's make
sweet ghost love first

and then we can
discuss all of that later.

Let's get you out of that sheet

and into my sheets.

I'm not wearing a sheet

because I'm not a ghost.

Aren't you concerned
about me being evil?

Again, this is all for
post-ghost love discussion.

You must be thirsty.

Let me check if I
have any ectoplasm.

♪

Men in their 20s,
women in their 40s,

Asians, cyborgs, we
have a double-digit lead

among every demographic group

except Latino
women 75 and older.

They think he looks like
a bad guy in a telenovela.

Eso no es bueno.

I think you can relax, Prock.

We've got this thing won.

-Hello, everyone.
-Hey, Dad.

And I never relax.

That's why we're winning.

If you need to relax,

you should check out
our relaxation pods,

perfect for--

(neighs)

Where is Perfect
Man, by the way?

I asked him to knock on doors

and I wanted to clarify

that I didn't mean
knock down doors.

-Don't overthink it.
-Don't overthink it?

Overthinking it's
kind of my thing.

I'm so proud of you, son.

This whole campaign,

you and I working
side by side.

It's like the good old days.

-The good old days?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I heard you stopped
by earlier to see me.

You said you had
some important news.

Um...

I mean, we all agree
he's been acting strange

ever since he came back.

I've known him
for a long time

and something
is definitely off.

I've seen the two of you
interact my whole life

and I've never seen
him be this nice to you.

It was nothing.

I, um, I just wanted to
run some polling numbers.

Great, in that case,

I'm gonna head back
to the Mountain

and make sure
everything is set

for the party tonight.

If we win, that is.

(laughs)

(phone chimes)

♪

That was wonderful.

Thank you, my wife.

Thank you, ghost husband.

I so miss your
sweet, sweet touch.

Again, not a ghost, fully alive.

I know, I am just
making jokes to add levity.

I know that ghosts love humor.

How is Malocchio,
Jr., by the way?

Still a mild
mannered accountant?

He took the serum you
left him in your will.

It made him evil and he
tried to kill The Awesomes.

Now he is in prison for life.

Oh, boy, acorn in
the tree, am I right?

But we're hoping he gets on
the next season of Serial.

Did you by any chance
keep any of my clothes?

As much as I was in
the time you were gone,

your closet is untouched.

Oh, good.

What is that?

You found my
papier-mâché cuddle buddy.

You mean this is...
it's very realistic.

I made it in my
arts and crafts class

that I am taking to help deal

with grief and such things.

Glinda, I must
ask you a question.

All these years
I was in prison

and then trying to
take over the world

and then missing
and presumed dead,

how can you
still believe in me?

Because I love you, Giuseppe.

Our love is stronger
than good or evil.

(doorbell)

Pork is here!

Pork; you order Chinese?

♪

Coast is clear, go now.

♪

This drone is
amazing, Concierge.

It's just a prototype
I'm messing around with,

but it is amazing.

Let me take a look.

♪

I can't wait for this
election to be over.

I didn't sign up for this job

to write policy papers
on the environment.

For what it's worth,

they were pretty
good policy papers.

Thank you.

That means the world.

Two coming your way.

Let me open the schematics.

There's an air duct
50 feet behind you.

♪

(laughing)

Did you read
Centaur's policy paper?

(laughing)

It was bad.

I mean, is his super power

proposing impractical reforms?

Hey, what is his
superpower anyway?

Nice work, now which way
to Mr. Awesome's office?

♪

Hello, daughter's
soon-to-be baby daddy.

We should probably
come up with something

better to call me than that.

How about Harold?

That's a pretty name
for a pretty boy.

Take a seat at the table.

Katherine ran
out to the store

to get some sugar

for me for a thing
I am baking,

I think made of sugar

and other ingredients.

Don't be suspicious about that.

Take a seat at
the table, Harold.

I can't stay long,
it's election night.

How did you do that?

I have "tele-kina-ses."

Telekinesis?

How come I've never
seen you use it before.

I usually like
things where they are.

But don't be suspicious,

I put chains on you.

I'll be honest,
it's getting very hard

not to be suspicious.

Apologies, Prock,
but I didn't know

how else to talk to you.

Don't be suspicious
that Dr. Malocchio

just walked in.

I don't think you know
what suspicious means.

Sure I do.

It means don't
walk under ladders.

It's seven
years of bad luck

if you break a mirror.

Say whatever you
want, Malocchio,

nothing's ever
gonna change my mind.

You are evil and once
my father finds out

you're back, it's game over.

Why doesn't he already know, hm?

You've had hours to tell
him and yet you haven't.

Admit it, Prock,
you have your doubts.

I mean, yes,
he's acting strange,

but I can't figure it out.

If he's evil, why is he
running for president?

He already has the power
to do whatever he wants

without winning
some dumb election

that I have managed perfectly

and political scientists

will be discussing
for generations to come.

That's what I thought.

But then I remembered,
there is one reason

he would need to
win an election.

The Destroyo Bullet.

What's the Destroyo Bullet?

When we were young,

Mr. Awesome's greatest fear

was someone turning him evil.

He needed to develop something

strong enough to stop him,

so he and I went to the lab

and built the Destroyo Bullet,

made from rare materials

collected across
the planet and galaxy.

♪

This one solitary bullet

rests in a location
accessible only to...

The president.

He's running for president

so he can get the bullet,

and once he's done
that, he's unstoppable.

So what do we do?

I've put a lot of
thought into this.

You're his campaign manager,

so you simply
have to come up

with a clever way
to sabotage your father

that will lead voters
to turn away from him

as the election approaches.

And as his popularity
begins to wane...

In an outcome unprecedented

in election history,

all three major networks

are calling the
presidential race

for Mr. Awesome.

Well, a thousand
dangits to that.

And I forgot to vote again.

I wanted to vote
on proposition six.

School funding is
very important to me.

It's okay, we can
figure out how to stop him.

Could you unchain me?

Ghost husband?

Yes, yes.

Ghost husband?

It's like a pet name.

Yes, if your pet
is your husband

and he is a ghost.

Now, tell me everything
that happened in space

with you and my dad.

Well, I woke up
on the satellite.

And then he shoved me into space

so I could return to Earth

and warn the world
that he was evil.

And that's how we
recorded the live album

on Planet Zontar.

Okay, I--I didn't need to hear

that last 10 minutes.

I'm sorry,
traveling with that band

was a formative time
in my adult life.

So if your blood
made Mr. Awesome evil,

why don't we just do
a reverse transfusion

now that you're good?

The transfusion only
worked with Mr. Awesome

because his blood
is so powerful.

But now that his
blood is tainted,

mine would never
be strong enough

to stop him from being evil.

I'm sorry.

♪

Oh no, ghost husband!

♪

Ow!

♪

Everybody, relax, I'm okay.

♪

But the bad news is
Dr. Malocchio is right.

My dad is evil.

And he just got
elected president

thanks to my brilliant
campaign management,

which isn't what we
should be focusing on now,

but later when this
is all taken care of,

I do hope we take
at least one moment

to appreciate my
hard work on that.

And that's not all
I was wrong about.

We're not a second
rate group of heroes.

Aw, that's the best
rate I'd ever been.

We're first rate.

Don't mess with me, Prock.

In fact, we're the only heroes

who can stop my dad.

I'm sorry I punched
you twice today.

It happens.

-Glinda!
-Sorry!

How did you know
where to find me?

I remembered that
back when you were good

and you used to help
out The Awesomes,

the first thing you would
do after every mission

was to run home
to see your wife.

Ah, that's so sweet.

You always talked
about how excited

you were to have sex with her.

Less sweet.

You would even talk about
your favorite position.

That's enough.

The wet sailor.

Ah, the wet sailor.

Ah, please stop.

The fact is, you always
put your family on top.

There's no bond
stronger than family.

-That's it!
-What's it?

I'm Mr. Awesome's son.

Maybe I have the same blood.

What if we did a
transfusion with me?

Perhaps, I'd need to test it,

but I don't have
access to my labs.

-I do.
-Wonderful!

Sorry, I keep
forgetting you're not evil.

♪

We have to make this quick.

I don't have eyes
on the hallway

and we don't know when
Mr. Awesome's getting back.

Concierge, look at this.

What in the what?

♪

Congratulations, Mr. President.

Did you happen to
read my position paper?

We are not having
horsey-capped bathrooms.

Got it, so, how long
do we have to wait

until we put
Operation: Enslave Humanity

into effect?

Not long now.

And it's Operation: Glory Bird.

You can't give
an operation a name

that just states
what the operation is.

Sometimes I think you got
the horse's brains too.

Hey.

Speaking of not smart,

you know what
always blows my mind?

That people think
they could have

a conversation in my office

and I wouldn't hear it
with my super hearing.

You have super hearing?

Does that mean you can
hear me cry at night?

And to think they
could hide under my desk.

Hotwire, cover your eyes.

(grunting)

She's in the vents!

♪

-We need to move fast.
-To where?

Make your next left, now right.

♪

You're ten feet from
a chute that will drop

straight down to
the sub-basement.

-Hurry!
-I can't find it.

Concierge, Concierge?

♪

Hotwire?

Hotwire!

I cry at night because
I have a human sized wee.

(neighs)

♪

Mom, you remember
Dr. Malocchio.

Ah, Dr. Jill
Awesome-Stein-Kaplan.

You look as plain
as the day I met you.

-Still no makeup?
-Still evil?

No, actually I'm good now, so--

Ugh, the amount these
people go back and forth.

-Found it!
-I thought I threw that away.

I made a decoy set so you
would think you threw it away.

How many things did
you make decoy sets of?

Everything that was
dear to my childhood,

and I got very
good at making them.

This is great, Brock,

but I will still
need a genetic sample

from Mr. Awesome.

It's not like we can
just ask him for it.

Mom, I know I'm putting
you in an awkward position,

but I need a piece
of Dad's hair.

I'm sorry, why would I have

a piece of your father's hair?

Do you think I have some
sort of weird scrapbook?

-I do.
-Jeremy,

you are the one
infatuated with your father.

I, on the other hand,
came to my senses

and realized there
is more to a man

than how strong he is.

That's right, Jeremy.

A real man is
sensitive, thoughtful.

Jeffry, I swear to God.

How many times do
I have to tell you

not to interrupt me
when I'm talking?

I am so sorry,
you are my queen.

Mom, please, for me.

But let me make
something clear,

this is all
hair that I found

on bed sheets and pillows.

I didn't pluck any of it
out while he was sleeping.

I'm not a weirdo.

Yikes.

♪

Now, give me one of yours.

Okay, but here's the thing.

I have a very sensitive scalp.

Son of a bitch!

And here's my hair.

We don't need your
hair; so what now?

Now we cross our
fingers and wait.

I could also make dinner

if anyone is hungry.

Have any of you had Earth food?

Oh, right.

I could eat.

(shouting)

♪

-Where am I?
-From the looks of it,

that should have taken
you to sub-basement five.

What's down here?

The stuff no one
wants anybody to find.

Ugh.

-Agh!
-What is it?

Perfect Man.

Whatever it was went
down the auxiliary chute.

-Get after 'em.
-They're coming for me.

There's a drainage pipe
down the hall and to the left.

Follow it to the end.

I'll be waiting for you.

♪

We'll come back for you.

I spy something
beginning with G.

-Gadget Gal.
-You are good at this.

It's the third
time you've done her.

That ties you
with Burt Lancaster.

This is Timballo,

and when you eat it,

you won't have a
care in the world.

What about Mr.
Awesome being evil?

Oh, right, that,

but only that one care.

Okay, I spy something
beginning with Doctor.

Doctor Malocchio.

No, Doctor Gadget Gal.

So what are we
hoping for, Malocchio?

If your blood is an 80%
genetic match or above,

that should make your
blood strong enough

to cancel out the serum.

Higher than I
thought it would be.

What if we use
someone else's blood?

A stronger hero?

-Use mine.
-Or mine.

I am afraid of needles,

but if you euthanize
me, you can take some.

I think you mean anesthetize.

Euthanize means you're dead.

Correct, I would
have to be dead

to let you take my blood.

It doesn't matter, it has
to be the genetic code

that comes directly
from your father.

But I don't have any siblings.

Well, actually,
maybe you do.

♪

Okay, could we close the door

and then make our
declarative statements?

Heat is not free.

♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't
let me touch you ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't even dance ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't
even dance ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't
even dance ♪

♪