The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 3, Episode 8 - The GayFather - full transcript

Previously on The Awesomes:

I guess The Awesomes
is my family now.

It's the only
family I've ever had.

I don't even know
who my parents are.

I have a nice
surprise for you.

-Oh yeah?
-Prock, I'm pregnant.

We're having a baby.

Oh, hey, Dr. Malocchio.

Do we know each other?

Of course, I'm Perfect Man.

And you're Dr. Malocchio.



You're a scientist,
you turned evil,

took over the world,
then you died.

Although I guess
you didn't die.

-That's weird.
-I need you

to go back to Earth

and warn everyone about me.

Mr. Awesome!

♪

In Milky Way news,
the presidential race

on Earth is heating up

after several high profile gaffs

by leading
candidate Mr. Awesome.

Mr. Awesome is
running for president?

Once well-ahead in the polls,



the gap is closing after
what many are calling

an unbelievably
poor performance

at last night's
town hall debate.

I know you're a great superhero,

but what can you
say to assure us

you understand the
problems of regular Americans?

What can I say; Nothing.

I'd never be able to understand

the petty problems of
people without powers.

I save the world,
you do God knows what.

I can't even believe
you called them problems

if I'm being
totally honest, right?

(clearing throat)

I feel like I'm
phrasing that all wrong.

♪

Hey, Dad, you wanted to see me?

Prock, it's all
falling apart over here.

I don't know how to
deal with these parasites.

Well, for one thing,

I wouldn't call
the voters parasites.

Hm, I see your point.

Danny, kill the
new campaign poster.

But you loved it this morning.

Kill it!

(grunts)

My staff is full
of idiots and yes men,

and that's why I'd like you

to be my new campaign manager.

(ethereal music)

That would be amazing.

I would love to.

I'm already coming
up with ideas.

A 2% middle class
tax cut combined

with infrastructure
spending and then--

That's great,
that's all great, Prock,

but we gotta play a
little defense first.

There's a little something

that could come out about me.

It's nothing really,

but you know how the press

spins everything
out of proportion.

Sure, Dad, anything you need.

Years ago I
briefly worked alongside

a superhero named Fuego.

He botched a mission and
he still blames me for it.

♪

There's the leader;
Get him, Fuego!

♪

No!

♪

No dogs were injured,

but Fuego was sued by the school

and could no longer
get superhero insurance.

He's had a vendetta
against me ever since.

And now he's blackmailing
me with this information.

I need you to go see
him and get it back.

I'm on the case.

Oh, and I have
some news for you.

You are about to
be a grandfather.

-Yes, I know.
-You know; How do you know?

I mean, that's amazing!

I know you'll make a good one.

-Thanks.
-Oh, and take Perfect Man

with you on this one.

It won't hurt to have
some extra muscle.

-Sure, okay.
-Thanks, Prock,

you're the only one
I can trust right now.

Son, I love you.

Ah, my arm.

Oops, sorry, I'm not used

to this whole hugging thing.

-Pharaoh.
-Speaking.

Perfect Man will be out
of our hair for a few days.

Commence secret
training protocols.

Yes, sir.

♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪

♪ Yeah, well,
this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪♪

♪

♪

Hey, guys, I have
some exciting news.

-Not now, Prock.
-What happened?

Frantic's boyfriend
broke up with him.

It hurts so much!

If it will make you feel better,

you can watch me shower.

That offer would
probably mean more to him

if you didn't make it
to all of us all the time.

And yet Gadget Gal
is the only one

who ever takes me up on it.

And it still
isn't getting old.

Thank you, friend.

Hey, Perfect Man,

now that I'm campaign
manager for my dad,

that was my news that
nobody wanted to hear,

he wants us to go
on a little road trip.

-Sounds fun.
-Road trip?

-I call shotgun!
-Actually, Muscleman,

and I'm very sorry about this,

this is a work trip

so it wouldn't be
appropriate to bring you.

But actually
you're my best friend

and we always go
on road trips together

and if you don't bring me

I will cry twice as hard

as Frantic is crying right now.

(Frantic sobbing)

I guess a little more
muscle wouldn't hurt.

I'll pack a bag.

You okay with me doing this?

Of course, go have
fun with the guys.

I'll help with Frantic.

Even the fastest man on Earth

can't run away from heartache.

Oh, the irony.

(sobbing)

Good luck with that.

Okay, I have magnetic Scrabble,

magnetic chess,
magnetic Monopoly,

plenty of beef jerky.

Ugh, you still eat that stuff?

And, of course,
camping equipment.

Camping equipment?

You said we were going
on a camping trip.

We're going on a campaign trip,

not a camping trip.

Okay.

Do they have s'mores
on campaign trips?

Not typically.

♪

You guys, I really
appreciate your concern,

but I'm not sure taking me out

to a gay club is a good idea.

You need to get back
in the saddle, cowboy.

The best way to get over one man

is to get under another one

or in front of him,

however it works
with you fellows.

Look, worst case scenario,

you'll have a
drink, dance a little,

and be with your friends.

All right, let's go for it.

♪

Dear God, it looks
like Walt Disney threw up

all over the Copacabana.

Why are they playing

Beyond the
Valley of the Dolls

on all the TV screens?

Uh, not all the TV screens.

Whoa.

Holy moly, that bratwurst

is welcome at my
Oktoberfest any time.

You are hilarious.

Keep walking, fruit basket,

mama don't pitch
to switch hitters.

Oh, my God, I love her.

Who talks like that?

Oh, come on, we are
buying you so many drinks.

In that case, I'll
have a bourbon and rum

with extra rum.

♪

GayFather, I don't
want to alarm you.

Then why did you wear
stripes with checks?

There are
superheroes in the club.

Look over there,
that's Impresario.

He was one of The Awesomes.

The Awesomes?

Ugh, I can't stand them.

Love their reality show though.

Hey, Concierge, look back there.

Is that the gay mafia?

What's the gay mafia?

The world's first openly
gay super villain team.

Good for them,
except the villain part.

They're into all
kinds of shady rackets.

Counterfeiting antiques,

blackmailing
closeted celebrities,

interior design.

Yeah, these are some bad people.

We should leave.

Where's Frantic?

♪

Oh, I'm so sorry, I--

♪

That's not good.

I love your turban.

You wanna dance?

Oh, I, uh, thank you,

but I'm not gay.

Suit yourself,

but I know a $70 manicure

when I see one.

65, I got $5 off

for writing a Yelp review.

Oh, come on, we've been
sitting here for hours.

I'm never going
to get to Earth

in time to stop Mr. Awesome.

♪

Oh, are you kidding?

We just stopped two minutes ago.

Hey, lady, count your change

before the bus gets here.

♪

(grunts)

Hi, I'm so sorry to bother you,

but this is an emergency.

Can I borrow your car?

I'll bring it right back.

-Get bent.
-Get bent, okay.

Allow me to rephrase.

I have to save the Earth

and there isn't
a minute to spare.

Oh, I see.

Get bent.

Okay, I'm good now

so stealing cars
is not really kosher.

But what about
the greater good?

Millions of lives are at stake.

Oh, come on, Malocchio.

You have to do this.

I'm so sorry about this,

this really isn't me.

Hey!

Oh, man.

(horns honking)

♪

Why are we driving again?

You realize I can fly.

Yes, and whenever
I fly with you,

you carry me like a baby.

I always try to cradle the head.

And, truthfully,
with all that's happening

with Hotwire and
me becoming a dad,

I could use my guys.

Talk it out with my guys.

A little guy time.

We're here for you, buddy.

Road trip!

You know, I've never
been on a road trip before,

or on a road.

Is this how all cars are?

Small and tiny
with a weird smell?

Really, you've
never been in a car?

What about when
you were a kid?

When I was a kid?

Okay, let's get you buckled in

my perfect little baby boy.

Ha, love this car.

Muscleman and I
logged a lot of road trips

in this back in the day.

Still have our
sick tunes from then.

You like Guster?

We have all their
200 live albums.

My favorites are
Guster: Live in Newton,

Guster: Live in Natick,

and Guster:
Acoustic in Brooklyn.

That one's a bootleg.

Who wants to play a car game?

What's a car game?

You know, like,
when you're in the car

with your parents and
they make you play a game

so you'll stop complaining

and they can silently argue?

Hm, I wouldn't know.

I never knew my parents.

Hamburger City,
Hamburger City.

-Pull over!
-I'm never gonna say no

to a Hamburger City Play Pack.

For the food, the toy's
just like a bonus part.

♪

Something about this
place is very nostalgic.

Yeah, because
it's Hamburger City.

This is where you
come when you're a kid,

get your chicken budlets,

mix Coke with Dr. Pepper.

And go to the bathroom

while Burger the Clown watches.

That is not okay.

That's the opposite of
what Burger the Clown said.

It's not that, but it is
reminding me of something.

♪

How's your burger, honey?

It's cold in the middle.

Can I do my trick?

Yes, but be quick and
don't let anyone see you.

(zapping)

Why are you so sad, Mom?

Your father said
he was coming today.

I was gonna meet my dad?

You were, but I don't
think he's showing up.

It's okay, Mom.

Dry those eyes.

♪

Mom.

No, Muscleman;
And that's Prock.

Are you okay?

For the first time in my life,

the answer to that
question is I don't know.

♪

(doorbell rings)

Ah, he's here!

How do I look,
how's my hair,

how's my cologne?

You smell like
someone spilled whiskey

on a leather sofa.

Frantic, how can you
be dating a villain?

We dedicate our lives

to stopping those
types of people.

Those types of people?

Um, you mean gay people?

Oh, my Lord,
how are you so dumb?

Hello, handsome.

Oh, me?

(cackles)

Do you like Italian food?

I know a great place.

It's sort of a Sicilian fusion

with Moroccan influence.

Do they have meatballs?

Yes, Frantic,
they have meatballs.

Okay, we just have to
make a quick stop first.

I need to check on a project.

♪

Hey, hey, take it easy.

We just want it to
look a little weathered.

I'm asking for Jane
Fonda from Agnes of God

and you're giving me Jane
Fonda from Monster In Law.

We want them to look like
antiques, not garbage.

Thank you for
rephrasing what I said

but less cleverly,

it's very helpful,
thank you so much.

GayFather, look.

And so we just
take new furniture

and we weather it a little
and sell it as antiques.

We learned it
from The Goldfinch.

You've read it, right?

Yes.

So is this all legal?

Do you see any handcuffs?

That's Christopher's
new boyfriend.

I'm gonna get him
to help with Project X.

How are you gonna
get a superhero

to participate
in Project X?

I'll make him an
offer he can't even.

♪

Who am I, where
did I come from?

Why am I having flashbacks

to a mother I don't remember?

Okay, if I can just get

these magic
Hamburger City smells

to give me another
glimpse of my forgotten past.

(sniffs)

Nothing's happening.

(sniffs)

Oh no, my dream bag
is out of smells.

Prock, how soon
after your kid is born

can we give him
French fries?

Oh, I've been reading
everything about this.

Solid food starts
at four to six months.

Fascinating.

Notice how I didn't ask

about breastfeeding this time,

as per your request.

Anyway, buddy, you're
gonna be such a good dad.

Thanks, man.

Oh, look out,
bumpy road ahead.

♪

(whimpering)

♪

He'll be safe here?

Yes, his father called ahead

and set everything up.

Will he come see him?

Eventually when he is older,

but he'll never
be able to tell him

that he is his father.

It is far too scandalous.

Will he remember me?

No, we will do a mind wipe,

it's for the best.

A single mother cannot raise

a special boy
like this on her own.

You are making
the right decision.

♪

But why, why?

Sometimes roads are just bumpy.

It's just how it goes.

I blame a government

that won't spend money

on infrastructure projects.

♪

Frantic, my friend,
so good to see you.

I'm glad you boys are here.

I want to show you
something, Frantic.

♪

This week, as you know,

is Pride Week in the city,

and in exactly three days

every single closeted gay person

in this entire city

is going to come out.

Every confirmed bachelor,

every recently divorced
girls' volleyball coach,

every married guy
who just happened

to teach flamenco.

Everybody's coming
out of the closet,

and all thanks to this.

I call it Love Potion #10.

Even though this is the
50th version we've tried.

(laughing)

That's funny.

It's disodium dismorphate

bioxenol glycophenate,

a little polonium 210

and a splash of grenadine.

And if a gay person drinks it,

their skin turns blue

and the whole world will
know who they really are.

One week from tonight
it's going to flood

the water supply of
this uptight little town,

and you're going
to help me, Frantic.

Me; why me?

Because, Frantic,
you know the pain

of hiding in the closet.

You understand
the constant fear,

the denials, the
secrets, and the longing,

pretending to be
someone you're not,

living a lie.

You don't want these
people to be liars, do you?

I guess not.

And if they really, really
want to stay in the closet,

they can just pay us
a small reasonable fee

for the antidote.

Mm, that doesn't sound right.

One percent of which we
will donate to the Red Cross.

-Ooh, charity.
-But I need your help.

Because all my phones
have been tapped by the FBI,

I need you and
your fleet feet

to get messages to
my vast web of allies

so we can get this
juice into the pipes.

Well, is it dangerous?

No, no, no, it's
a little radioactive,

but what isn't these days?

Plus, we use organic grenadine.

Organic?

Just throwing
out another load

of dead guinea pigs
killed by the serum.

Excuse me,
are you illiterate?

Because you sure as
hell can't read a room.

♪

Hey, guys, I don't
know what to do.

I've been helping my
GayFather with his plan

to put radioactive
potion in the water supply

that will reveal the identity

of every gay man in the city,

but I just don't know
how I feel about it.

'Cause even though
being in the closet

is difficult and
technically a lie,

people should be allowed to
come out on their own terms.

I don't know,
it's a tough one.

What y'all think?

That's what you're
worried about, Frantic?

Not that they're
flooding the water supply

with radioactive chemicals

that could kill
thousands of people?

Hmm, so you're saying I
shouldn't be helping them?

♪

And they call them that

because you always
want some more s'mores.

I bet your dad taught you that.

Yeah, dads are the best.

Second only to moms.

Great to have both, but
in a pinch one will do.

I can't imagine
not having either.

That's no way to live.

Muscleman, shh!

What?

Well, Perfect Man
never met his parents.

They shot him to
Earth in an escape pod

when their spaceship
was destroyed in battle.

An escape pod that was then
discovered by the US Army.

Right, the most famous
origin story of all time.

-Duh.
-What if it's not true?

If what's not true?

That story about me.

What if I came
from somewhere else?

Where else could
you have come from?

I don't know.

Ooh, guys, we're here.

♪

(beeping)

♪

Damn it!

♪

Are you kidding me?

♪

All right, time to
beat up some gays.

Oh wait, that
sounded bad even for me.

All right, let's
beat up some men

who happen to be gay

but we're doing it
to stop their plan.

That sounded better.

♪

Well, well, well.

I haven't seen that much Spandex

since the Solid Gold
Christmas Special,

which I watched unironically.

Had a change of heart, Frantic?

I've decided it's not fair

to make people come out
before they're ready.

Or to, you know,
poison them to death.

People should be able
to decide for themselves

whether they want to
be out of the closet.

Or be alive or dead.

Like a straight
man just finding out

about skinny ties,

you're too late, Awesomes.

I've stockpiled
enough Love Potion #10

to flood the city's
entire water supply.

(laughing)

♪

Before you know it,
every closet door

from here to Suburbia
will be flung open

and they'll be
dancing in the streets.

Good dancing too, not
this things with the arms

you straight people do.

(exaggerated groaning)

I mean, what is that?

Do you hate music?

No, we'll show you how we dance.

♪

(grunting)

♪

I didn't mean
we'd actually dance.

Also, I was talking
about white straight people.

Oh.

Hello, is anyone home?

You have three seconds.

We just want to talk.

Two seconds.

What, no way was
that a whole second.

One second.

Okay, now that was
longer than a second.

Hey, you should check

the battery on your watch.

It's about Mr. Awesome.

Oh, you should have said so.

♪

(grunting)

♪

-We're surrounded!
-On the plus side,

this is better than
using a cigarette lighter.

♪

Perfect Man, find a lake.

Yeah, and then go jump in it.

-What; no!
-Oh, I thought

that's where you
were going with it.

No?

♪

Ow!

♪

Okay, you can come in now.

So, he sent Prock
and Perfect Man.

He's got balls,
I'll give him that.

He didn't technically send me,

I just like road trips.

So, I guess your dad
sent you to get this.

He sent us to stop you
from blackmailing him.

I never asked him for a penny.

I just don't
think it's right

for heroes to get
into politics.

So, I reminded him
about some stuff I know.

What's your plan now?

I'm going to
give you information.

I'm going to let you decide

if you're going to look at it

or if you're going
to be a good son

and return it to him.

I trust my dad, he's the
world's greatest hero.

If he wants me to
see what's in there,

he'll show it to me.

Muscleman, stop it.

Absolute trust.

That's nice.

I'm not sure how healthy it is,

but it's nice.

Shame though, Perfect Man.

You'd enjoy reading it.

(grunting)

♪

(grunting)

♪

Hoo.

So you broke my computer.

Bravo Channel.

I guess I'll have
to do this myself.

(grunting)

♪

Don't you be raw
doggin' on my watch.

Mama!

We don't need a
condom, water supply,

you can trust me.

♪

You were right, Frantic.

People should be
able to come out

on their own terms.

And not die.

Nice manicure.

Thank you.

♪

Hey, Dad.

-Did you look at this?
-No.

That's good, son.

I can't tell you how much

-your trust means to me.
-Of course.

Come on, let's get
a bite to eat, son.

♪

It feels pretty good
to stop a bad guy again,

even if I did
have to use my mama

as a prophylactic.

Well, the point is we
saved the town from poison

and Frantic found
a new boyfriend.

-Love it.
-List it.

I think you can probably
throw out your dream bag now.

I know, but I still
have a few fries in here.

How was the secret mission?

Good, I think for once

my dad might be proud of me.

How have you been feeling?

Not bad, I mean,
for a pregnant lady.

Pregnant?

I'm going to be a grandpa?

Awesomes, I've come to warn you.

Mr. Awesome is evil.

He must be stopped.

♪

Oh, some more, s'more.

Now I get it.

No, I don't.

Why is it called s'more?

♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't
let me touch you ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't even dance ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't
even dance ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't
even dance ♪♪

♪