The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Dames of Danger - full transcript

Thanks again for designing
these dresses, Impresario.

Well, what was I going to do,

let you pick something out?

Two women who
think haute couture

is when the
dressing room at Kmart

gets a little sweaty?

No way, let a
fashionisto handle this.

Hey, who's this sexy lady

and what have you
done with Concierge?

Oh, you.

Seriously, what have
you done with Concierge?



Why are you guys all dressed up?

Another adult thing
I'm not invited to?

Because we're going
to Chic Magazine's

Women of the Year Award.

It's like the
Nobel Prize for women,

if women were allowed
to win the Nobel Prize.

Frantic, you can't go.

What; but I had Impresario

make this tux for me.

It's for women only.

Although I've
always considered

gay men the women
of the male community.

Yeah, I want to go.

Women only;
That's sexist.



Men want to look
at girls' butts too.

We're not going there
to look at girls' butts.

Oh, you're a breast man.

We're going to
support other women.

Oh, so you're a bra man.

That doesn't make any sense.

It makes a little bit of sense.

Well, I'm glad you three

are representing
The Awesomes tonight.

You're gonna do great.

And you'll be excited to hear

that my mom is
giving the keynote.

-That's great.
-Son of a bitch.

Where's Hotwire, by the way?

We were supposed to
leave five minutes ago.

(shower running)

♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪

♪ Yeah, well,
this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪♪

♪

Behind every great woman
is another great woman.

Behind that great woman
is a third great woman.

And behind that woman,

perhaps a man
who is transitioning

to be a woman.

Baby girl, have you been
eating too many foods?

You look lumpy where
you normally look skinny.

Oh, I think it
might be the dress.

It's very unflattering.

But who are all
these great women?

They're women just like you.

Oh, my God, I cannot believe

Muscleman tried to
sneak in here in drag.

Muscleman, get out of here.

What, no,
I'm Muscleman's sister!

Musclegirl, I am so sorry.

I haven't seen you since
your wedding on Ape Island.

♪

Wow, Concierge,
that was rude.

All right, let's go.

Wait, no,
but I want to see

the In Memoriam.

-Jaclyn Stone.
-Hotwire.

I've been looking
forward to seeing you.

I never had a chance to say

no hard feelings about Prock.

I've so moved on

and I just want
you guys to be happy.

Thanks, Jaclyn.

However, now that
I'm seeing you in person

it brings it all back
and I'm furious again.

So, hard feelings?

Hard feelings, rock hard.

Well, I don't forgive
you either, Hotwire.

Prock was my soul mate.

Musclegirl, you're married.

Um, just because I'm in
a legal union with an ape

doesn't mean Prock
isn't my soul mate, okay?

Besides, apes don't have souls.

Ooh, you're married to a monkey?

(laughs)

That's hilarious.

Does he play the cymbals?

Ugh, I wish.

He's an orthodontist.

Mm, hello, former Awesomes.

Great dress, Musclegirl.

I love what it
does for your delts.

Joyce, you seem so happy.

Of course, tonight is a
night where we honor women.

That's so important,
especially in our field.

There was a time when
the world of superheroes

was dominated by men,

and yet look at us and
all we have achieved.

Wow, that's so nice.

Of course, for Concierge,
Hotwire, and Gadget Gal,

those achievements are sullied

by the recent mess
you've made of things.

Less nice.

Still, there's no place

I'd rather be than here,

talking to you,
my respected colleagues,

my friends, my sisters.

Oh, damn, I just remembered

a very important engagement

I have to run off to.

And I really should
be getting back home

to my ape husband.

And I have to wake
up early for court.

It's important to get
a good night's sleep

before you sue
someone's balls off.

Oh, I am just now remembering

that I also have to
come up with an excuse

off the top of my head.

Wait, what's going on?

Why are all of you leaving

and what's with
the blinking watches?

I know what's going on here.

You're the new Dames of Danger.

Gadget Gal, keep
your voice down.

The Dames of Danger,

the top secret, all-female

special ops team?

I've heard the legends,

but I never
thought it was real.

Oh, it's real.

The Dames started back
when male superheroes

were off
fighting World War II.

I was a member at one point.

They made a movie about us.

But since it was a
secret organization,

they had to change the spying

to lady baseball.

Mom, you're in
the Dames of Danger?

I can't tell you, baby,
'cause it's a secret.

That's the first
thing they told me

when I joined the
Dames of Danger.

Enough small talk;
We just got a mission.

And if you like
action and intrigue,

you're welcome to tag along.

What do you say,
ladies, you in?

-Yep!
-Yeah!

Mm, I don't know.

I might stay here.

These awards are
pretty interesting.

Women with names,
names like Abigail,

Abby, Abbi with an i,

Aida, Adrian, Agatha.

Okay, I'm in.

♪

Guys, we have a mission.

Figure out where
to order dinner from.

Oh, I know, can we do
Vietnamese peasant food?

I know a great place,

except they do not
deliver or let you pick up,

and they're always closed.

Let's call that Mexican place

that has Impresario's
credit card numbers.

I'll pick it up.

Who has my credit card numbers?

Did someone say Mexican food?

I have super hearing.

Are you just
constantly listening

to hear if we're
doing something cool?

What; no.

I live at Awesome Mountain.

My life rules and yours doesn't.

I do not miss you

and I am not desperate
to hang out with you.

Hey, Perfect Man, you want in?

Yes, whatever it is, yes.

We're having a
little guys' night.

All the girls went to
some stupid award show.

Like we get it, you're women,

here's your prize
for not having a penis.

Cool, is the prize
shaped like a penis?

-No, it is not.
-Right.

'Cause the Pee Buddy Award

is shaped like a penis.

What do you think the
Peabody Award is for?

Is it not about
urinating with friends?

No, it is not.

-What?
-What?

Joyce, I'm a little surprised.

You're a superhero?

Yes, I'm an
administrator by day,

but when the
pencil pushing is done,

I transform
into the Fireplug.

Do you have a power?

My short, stumpy body

becomes a battering ram.

Watch.

♪

(shouts)

♪

Damn, Fireplug.

Ted, are you okay?

Just get these
canapés to table five.

Welcome to the Dames of Danger

top secret headquarters.

Wait, the Dames of Danger

headquarters is a ladies' room?

The Dames of Danger headquarters

is any ladies' room.

Mr. Danger.

Dames, you have a mission.

Backstory has stolen
highly sensitive,

classified information
from the government,

and we need you to retrieve it.

Who's Backstory?

Ugh, only the most
annoying villain ever.

Known for having
the most complicated

backstory of all time,

both of Backstory's parents

were murdered when he was 10.

So that's why he
became a villain?

No, bare with me.

He was adopted by
eccentric scientist

Bjorn Bjornson
who accidentally

exposed Backstory to
a burst of radiation.

-Which gave him powers.
-Not quite.

But while he was
in the hospital

for radiation poisoning.

Wait, can you see us?

-Yeah.
-So you just have

a camera in a ladies' bathroom?

In every ladies' bathroom.

Please, now isn't
the time to worry

about where my
many cameras are.

We have a situation.

You know, this mission
sounds kind of dangerous.

Yeah, it is, we're
the Dames of Danger.

Well, I might
just hang back here.

(laughing)

Hotwire, you're
like the most daring

female superhero there is.

Yeah, you even just
won an award for that.

Ha, "Might just hang back here."

Good one, Hotwire.

Oh, I get it.

(laughs)

Hey, Mr. Danger,
you're gonna need

to reimburse this
place for the toilet.

That thing is done.

Jesus, again?

Let's go kick some ass!

♪

Royal flush, baby.

Um, we're playing Uno.

No guys' night is complete

without a panty raid.

Woo-hoo!

Um, be careful,
that's my wife's underwear.

That's my underwear,
put it back!

♪

Hey, you want to see who
can do the best party trick?

I can balance a
spoon on my nose.

Check it out.

(humming)

(clanging metal)

(car alarm)

Oh, those are pretty good too.

Mr. Awesome says
he saved the world

995 times.

But did you know
he's actually

only saved the
world 994 times?

Mr. Awesome's opponent
is really struggling.

So, what's it like over
at Awesome Mountain now?

It's fine, I guess.

I feel like we're doing
less superhero stuff

and more running
for president stuff.

Like the other day we rescued

a bunch of babies
from The Cradle Snatcher,

but before we returned
them to their families

your dad made sure he
got a bunch of pictures

kissing them;
It was weird.

And now, we return

to the Women
of the Year Awards.

I cannot believe those
sexist, racist girls.

Why are they racist?

Uh, they didn't
invite Impresario.

Seeing them shine on the
red carpet is my reward,

'cause that's all I'm gonna get

from them cheap ass ladies.

Right; You know what,

I'm sick of men
being oppressed.

It's always women, women, women.

When are men going to have

our turn in the spotlight?

We should have a Man Awards.

(murmuring agreement)

♪

Dames, this is the casino

where Backstory's
men hang out.

We need to do whatever it takes

to get information
about his whereabouts.

Security systems
in places like this

are easy to hack.

I can get into the main frame--

Excuse me, Concierge,

but this is not The Awesomes.

I call the shots here,
and I already have a plan.

Which is?

We're going to use
our powers of seduction.

Jesus, again?

Joyce, that's the
only plan you ever have.

Well, I'm sorry, but
that's what lady spies do.

We dress sexy and we get info.

That doesn't sound
very progressive.

It's not.

We are powerful,
super smart, super women,

and we take our
orders from a weird dude

in a (bleep) mirror.

That's right, blonde lady.

We should be
celebrating our womanhood,

especially on the night

of the "Chick"
Woman Magazine Awards.

Chic, mom.

Oh, thank you, baby.

I bought it at Marshall's.

Well, I define womanhood

as being able to be powerful

in any way we choose.

Actually, that's
a decent argument.

And I choose
using my rockin' bod

to make men drool
and give me what I want.

And right now,
I want information,

and possibly to get
laid, so let's go!

I'll say it again
because it bears repeating.

Damn, Fireplug!

So, after this,
you'll give me a ride home.

(murmuring agreement)

May the best seductress win.

It's not cheating
on your husband

if it's for
your job, right?

Ooh, that one kind
of looks like Prock.

♪

Hello, I'm Lady Malocchio,

and all of this can be yours

in return for informations.

Look, my power is
getting information.

What if I use my power,

but with a little sexy twist,

while still being
a progressive feminist.

Ooh, good luck.

Can I buy you a drink?

Well, hello, handsome.

How about we each
buy our own drinks

and then have a
discussion as equals?

No, sounds bad.

He's kinda right,
it did sound bad.

-Yep.
-I'd love to see you do better.

-Hey.
-Hi there.

Let's cut through
the bull(bleep).

I want information
about Backstory,

and if you give
me what I want,

I will give you
not what you want,

but what I want to give you.

And I assure you
that once you experience

the thing I want to give you,

it will be the only thing

you will ever want for
the rest of your life.

I don't know who Backstory is,

but is there anything I can do

to get the thing
you want to give me.

-No, goodbye.
-Please!

I'm beggin' you!

Tell me where he is.

Gadget Gal!

-Seduction.
-Oh, right.

Tell me where he is!

♪

And the award for
Best Hair goes to:

Me, Perfect Man.

Aw, man, look at my wave!

It costs $600 a month

to keep my mullet
this shade of nectarine.

Why does Perfect
Man get to host?

I'd be so good,
I'm the perfect blend

of gravitas and irreverence.

Don't be upset,
at least he let you

write his banter.

Up next, a superhero who
puts the "sum" in Awesomes,

Impresario.

Because of Impresario's
credit card debt?

Dammit, Prock,
these are all stinkers.

Thanks for the club soda.

I'm pregnant.

Wow, you're actually the
first person I've told.

I've been too nervous to tell

my boyfriend or my coworkers.

Is that normal--
oh, you're gone.

The art of seduction is
harder than I thought.

No one would even
let me kiss them,

let alone tell me
about Backstory.

I guess we're just not
the seducing type of girls.

Where's Joyce, by the way?

Woo-hoo!

Hey, you, get in here.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Not one award,
for real.

And now the Most Desperate

for an Award Award.

This could be your chance!

And the winner is: Frantic!

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You like me,
you really like me!

First, I'd like to thank

my high school track coach,

Coach Dandy, who saw
something special in me

at a time when others found me

abrasive and annoying.

I'd also like to thank
my lovin' partner Steven,

we did it, boo!

Without you,
I might be desperate,

but not Most
Desperate for an Award.

(giggles)

Oh, and I should also
thank everyone at CAA,

which is something I always hear

but do not know what it means.

-Time's up!
-Oh, come on, Impresario!

This is my big moment.

You know our next presenter

as Prock's stepdad and
an all-around good guy.

Presenting the award for

Best at Replying to Emails,

please welcome Jeffrey.

Thank you.

Webster's dictionary
defines emails--

Oh no, not the
Webster's dictionary move.

See, this is why Bruce Vilanch

is worth his weigh in gold.

♪

But I didn't get
my one phone call.

I was going to call
one of those TV psychics

because they can
be so expensive.

How are we ever
going to find Backstory?

Did you get any
information, Joyce?

I learned what motorboating is.

Does that count?

Ugh, I don't feel so good.

Ugh, don't be such
a prude, Hotwire.

It's a natural act.

Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry.

I'll wash it off.

You're damn right you will.

Hey, bro, we ain't
got time for that.

We have to meet Backstory

at the docks by midnight.

♪

Good work, Hotwire.

I guess in the game of
rock, puking, seduction,

puking beats seduction.

♪

It's 11:30, Backstory
should be here soon.

So you aren't gonna drop me off?

Come on, it's fun!

Just us girls hanging out,

bonding like sisters,

telling each other secrets.

You want to know how
much Perfect Man makes?

In my experience,
nothing bonds ladies

like an old-fashioned
bitch session.

Great, I get my super
strength from anger,

so let me start.

Couldn't they at least

have gotten us
a less sexist van?

It's not easy being
a female superhero.

Why the term female superhero?

No one says male superhero.

You know what sucks about
being a female superhero?

You just said it again.

We're allowed to say it.

It's just like how
rap singers can say--

Gadget Gal, don't!

What sucks for female
superheroes is dating.

It's like you can't
date a regular guy

'cause he's
threatened by your powers,

and there's only so many
eligible superheroes

out there.

Yeah, why do you think

three of us have dated Prock?

I found myself a
nice scientist man,

but then he turned evil.

Isn't that always the way?

I'll tell you what sucks,

trying to have it all,

be a supportive girlfriend,

and a powerful superhero.

And what if I wanted
to start a family, huh?

Who's gonna save the world

when you have to
stop to breastfeed?

Lactation Lady does it,

and she has triplets.

Lock it up, ladies,

Backstory's here.

♪

♪ Barbecuing, fixing cars ♪

♪ Being a man, being a man ♪

If this is what
being a man is like,

I'm gonna pluck out
my single chest hair.

Who does a closing number?

Follow the Neil Patrick
Harris method, people.

Tried and true.

♪ Being a man ♪♪

Congratulations
to all the winners.

Till next year,
I'm Perfect Man,

and that was a
perfect Man Awards.

Prock, you really need
to work on your writing.

Promotional considerations

provided by Impresario.

What the?

You can't have an awards show

without gift bags.

Ooh, Ray-Bans.

Hey, man, sorry you
lost all the categories.

If it makes you feel any better,

your jokes were all terrible.

We are so much
better than those girls

and their dumb
"Chick" Magazine Awards.

Look at us, we had
this amazing guys' night,

put on a whole award
show all by ourselves,

and what are they doing?

Probably winning an
award for prettiest dress

and then getting
mani-pedis or something.

♪

And then I went to live

with my Uncle Mortimer.

Now, he worked part-time

at a department store.

Oh, my God, so boring.

This guy makes Prock sound

like (bleep) Sarah Koenig.

Tell me more about
this Uncle Marty.

Okay.

Well, a pregnant woman

really shouldn't
be at a battle.

So if I just stand over here

I should be fine.

I don't think
anyone will notice me.

Do you even have a power?

You're mainly just doing

strip mall karate dojo moves.

Hotwire, stop him!

♪

♪

Hotwire, how could you
just let him get away?

You had a clear shot.

Yeah, you looked
terrified and weak.

Maybe spending time
with Prock is contagious.

No, it's not that.

I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant?

I'm sorry, I'm just worried

about hurting the baby.

I didn't even want to
come on this mission.

You said you'd drop me off.

Hotwire, slow down, it's okay.

Does this mean I'm
going to be a grandma?

I want to be called Momo,

or GrandMooMoo,

or Joan if the baby is fancy.

I just didn't know if it
was safe to use my power.

Who knows what could happen?

After all, it's Prock's baby.

He got a third degree burn

from a staticky blanket once.

Wow, no offense, Hotwire,

but I gotta say,

I kinda dodged a bullet there.

Yeah, me too.

So glad I broke
up with him.

You broke up with him?

Just let me have this.

Ugh, what am I gonna do?

What's Prock gonna think?

We haven't even
talked about having kids.

I didn't think he'd be able to.

I mean, I knew I wanted
to have kids some day,

but right now I just
want to be a superhero.

Hotwire, listen to an old woman

who's lived two lives.

My first time
around I was all career

and carved no time for
a husband and family.

That's the way it was
and I went with it.

But I've seen things change.

Nowadays, women can have it all,

and if anyone could
pull it off, you could.

Dames, what happened out there?

Huh, you weren't
(bleep) kidding.

You have cameras in
every women's bathroom.

Yes, but it's not weird,
we shouldn't focus on it.

As for Backstory, luckily,
we still have a shot.

Our intelligence shows

he's making the
exchange at McAndrews Park.

And don't worry, Hotwire,

we'll keep you well
clear of the action.

Thanks, guys.

(toilet flushes)

We don't have
the budget for this.

Take it out of my check!

♪

That's a beautiful baby.

Thank you.

Yeah, she just
started teething,

so it's a difficult age.

But then, yeah,
they're all difficult ages.

You know, at the same time,

every day is a gift.

And this afternoon
she made an "M" sound,

which I have to assume

is the beginning of "mama."

All right, (bleep),
where's the data?

Where's the data?

Where do I begin?

Well...ow!

Tell us,
who's your buyer?

Long Story--ow!

I could do this all day.

No, the villain's
name is Long Story.

She's known for telling
really long stories

about her kids.

It's so annoying.

My older one, who is five,

is basically the
Picasso of finger-painting.

And I don't know
if you collect art,

but it's worth
buying one of his pieces

because they're only going

to appreciate in value.

♪

(snickers)

Where is she now?

She'll be long gone as long as

no one was dumb enough

to ask her about her baby.

Hotwire!

(laughing)

Let me go.

I have to get to
Isabella's piano recital.

She's only been
playing for a few months,

but I can already
tell she's gifted.

Ya!

(grunts)

(crying)

♪

Hotwire, are you okay?

I'm better than okay.

Do you know what this means?

She's a villain and a mom.

You really can have it all.

Although when I have a baby,

I probably won't
take it to battles.

Ha, good luck
finding a nanny you trust.

You wouldn't
believe what happened

with our first nanny.

She's Guatemalan.

(grunts)

♪

Great job, Hotwire.

I'm really happy for you.

Thanks.

I hope you have a son
and he looks like Prock

and I can marry him in 19 years.

Okay, I will definitely be

calling the police in advance.

Congratulations, Dames.

Hello, this is
a ladies' bathroom.

You've completed the mission.

So we saved some
really important

national security data, huh?

Where's Mr. Danger; Who are you?

I'm Agent Van Buren,

and actually it turns out

the only thing
on the stolen drive

was pictures of
the Dames of Danger

going to the bathroom.

Mr. Danger will no longer
be overseeing the team.

-Wow.
-What; I liked him.

Oh, you're the
girl from the photos.

You should really see a doctor.

So, who's going
to replace him?

Probably some
other old white guy.

Not this time, Gadget Gal.

We felt we were long
overdue for a change.

And the numerous
criminal charges

against Mr. Danger
have just nudged us

in the right direction.

May I present to you

the new leader of
the Dames of Danger,

Calvin Anderson.

♪

Ladies, looking forward
to working with you.

Man, they made it hard

-to complain about this.
-Son of a bitch.

Look at the bright side, ladies.

Men are dumb and
we can make them

do what we want.

And nothing's going to come

between me and my Calvin.

Damn, Fireplug.

♪

Can I tell you guys a secret?

I keep the spoon
on my nose with glue.

I have to go the
ER to get it off.

The (bleep)?

So, are you womens of the year?

We don't know actually.

We bailed after 10 minutes.

Yeah, these things
are kind of a snooze.

So what did you do all night?

Oh, you know, girl stuff.

-Mani-pedis.
-I knew it.

♪

While you girls
were out tonight,

we held a Man Awards.

Oh yeah, did you win anything?

No, I didn't even win Weakest

because they wanted
Tim to feel included.

He didn't even earn it.

His superpower is transforming

into a 600 pound man.

I'm telling you,

this everybody gets
a trophy culture,

it doesn't work if everybody

doesn't get a trophy.

Well, even though you
didn't get any trophies,

I have a nice surprise for you.

-Oh yeah?
-Prock, I'm pregnant.

We're having a baby.

Yep, my arm's broken.

♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't
let me touch you ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't even dance ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't
even dance ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't
even dance ♪♪

♪