The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 3, Episode 5 - Indiana Johnson and the Nazi Granddaughters - full transcript
The Awesomes help their old friend archaeologist Indiana Johnson, who hires them to track down his missing partner. Dr. Malocchio gets his memory back and heads back to earth to stop Mr Awesome.
Previously on
The Awesomes:
You can't seriously
be considering
disbanding the Awesomes!
We don't need
fancy headquarters
and expensive equipment
to be superheroes.
We'll help people
who come to us.
We'll be the
Awesomes For Hire.
With the Awesomes gone,
I can finally unleash
my full powers,
and no one will
ever suspect a thing!
And that is why
I have decided
to run for president.
Okay, Malocchio,
you get back to Earth
and stop Mr. Awesome
before it's too late.
Okay, that can't be good.
(grunts)
What were you
doing in space?
Your guess is
as good as mine.
Mr. Awesome,
you have it all.
What made you decide
to risk everything
and run for president?
Standerson, it's simple.
Freedom is not just a word,
freedom is a thing,
a thing that is also
a word, a word thing.
That's what I'm fighting for.
Well said, Mr. Awesome.
You have my vote.
We now turn to
Jeff Parsons for more
on the missing
Malaysian space ship.
Okay, first order
of business.
I'm sorry, does anyone
else think it's strange
Mr. Awesome is
running for president?
Guys, I'm sure my dad
knows what he's doing.
And even though this seems
completely out of touch
with everything
he's ever said or done,
who am I to
challenge him?
(sighs)
Okay, first
order of business,
a big thank you to Concierge
for getting us a loan
so we can finally
have a real office.
I don't know if I'd
call this a real office.
Hey guys, great to share
office space with you.
What app are
you developing?
It's an app called
Saving the World.
If you ever want
to bounce ideas,
you can use our
idea bounce house.
How about those smoothies?
They for the whole office?
No.
Prankdudez!
Okay, I know
this isn't ideal,
but it's the best
we can afford until
we make enough money
to get our own space.
-With free smoothies?
-Why don't you just
make a smoothie,
Impresario?
Have you ever tried
cleaning a blender?
(murmur of agreement)
♪
♪ This feels
awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪
♪
♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels
awesome ♪
♪ This feels so awesome ♪♪
♪
♪
At last, the secret
to immortality,
the Weeping Angel Stone.
♪
It's not here.
♪
(cracking and rumbling)
♪
Oh my God, you
took, like, forever.
Why are you so dirty,
were you, like, camping?
-I am a archaeologist.
-Uh, yeah, we know.
That's why we're here;
we followed you.
You're going to give us
the Weeping Angel Stone.
I don't have the stone;
it wasn't here.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Ugh, are you for
real right now?
We came all
the way through
this, like, gross
jungle for nothing?
We did have those mangoes,
those are really good.
-Shut up, Taylor!
-Who are you?
I'm Mackenzie Hitler.
This is Hailey Himmler
and Taylor Goebbels.
And together, we are...
The Nazi Granddaughters.
Destiny's Child.
I told you,
that was taken.
We're the Nazi
Granddaughters.
And since you
don't have the stone,
I guess we'll have
to, like, kill you.
♪
(sound of blade slicing)
(thud)
♪
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
We love you.
(cheering)
-Sounding good, guys.
-Thanks, bro.
That set didn't feel
too short, did it?
I clocked that last jam
at just under seven hours.
Bon appétit.
What do you call
this one again?
-Pizza.
-Mm, it's great.
-Thank you.
-I don't like mine.
That's a napkin.
Here, try this,
it's a taco.
Mm, where did you learn
about this kind of food?
I'm assuming on my
home planet of Earth.
You know, this Earth food
is way better than
the stuff you can get
at all the bug and rock
trucks at the festival.
I bet if you went
into business,
you could make
some serious cash.
♪
Okay, how are all
of our missions looking?
(phone ringing)
Awesomes for Hire.
Uh huh, we're on it.
Well, I guess we
have a loan to pay off,
so we have to take
anything we can get.
(cell phone ringing)
Prockster,
what's going on, man?
Oh, hi Perfect Man.
Yeah, uh, we've
been really busy.
Lots of important missions.
Guys, I solved
the pee smell.
Turns out the toilet
I've been using is
the book return slot.
Yeah, things are
pretty crazy here, too.
With your dad
running for president,
there's lots of
campaign staff.
Anyway, you got
some mail here.
Great, I'll come
by and get it
in a couple of hour--
Hello, Perfect Man.
He-hey, hey guys, nice setup.
Wow, we got a
smoothie machine too.
Son of a bitch!
-Prankdudez.
-Ah, nice one!
Hey, did you guys
smash a hole in our wall?
-That was already there.
-Got it.
Well, thanks
for the mail.
I miss you guys;
things aren't the same
without you at the Mountain.
-Not as much fun?
-Thanks, P-Man.
Look, if you ever need
anything, like money,
I can teach you how to
squeeze coal into diamonds.
It doesn't work
when I do it.
Right, I forgot
you're weak.
See you guys later.
-Who's that from?
-It's from Indiana Johnson.
He's an archaeologist
and an adventurer
and an old friend
of the Awesomes.
"My dear friend Prock..."
"How have you been?
Ha ha ha, that's good.
I saw on your Tumblr page
that you are For Hire."
See, I told you it
wasn't just for porn.
"So listen up, buddy.
My partner's missing,
and I fear for his life.
Would you please
come to Buenos Aires
and I'll explain more.
In the meantime,
here's an advance
of 50,000 American dollars."
Wow, that actually
sounds like a real mission!
Yeah, with 50 grand up front?
-Damn!
-Woo-hoo!
First class to Argentina!
Not quite; we need to put the
money back into this business.
Come on, Priceline, Papa
needs to get somewhere cheap
but he doesn't care how
many connections it takes.
♪
(dinging)
♪
(ship bell clanging)
♪
Old friends, ah!
Can I just say
that you meeting me
on such short notice
is just totally awesome.
Huh, huh?
(laughing)
I'd normally handle a
case like this on my own,
but I'm afraid this
dashing young archaeologist
isn't so young anymore.
Fishing for
a compliment.
You've aged
well, Gadget Gal.
My secret is Pilates
and a rejuvenation ray.
So an archaeologist--
what's it like working
with dinosaur bones?
That's a paleontologist.
I'm an archaeologist.
Ooh, I love archaeology.
What's your favorite mineral?
That's a geologist.
Oh, you fix people's gums
and then you buy
them fancy clothes?
That's a periodontist
and a personal shopper,
respectively; what I do--
-He's a grave robber.
-Close enough.
So your missing partner,
was he looking for
some kind of artifact?
Excellent question, shorty.
You've got the
archaeologist's wit.
Yes, in fact
he was looking
for a very
important artifact,
the Weeping Angel Stone.
-(gasps)
-You've heard of it?
Nah, just practicing
for my audition,
Gasping Man #3--
it's a local commercial.
Well, legend tells of a
jewel in an ancient tomb,
the petrified tear
of an actual angel.
According to this legend,
whoever wields the
Weeping Angel Stone
can bring the dead
back to life.
(gasps)
They cancelled
my audition!
I found this
journal in his study.
His last entry says he
was headed to a volcano
deep in the Selva de Fuego.
You read his diary?
Ooh, who does he
have a crush on?
Turns out my wife.
Kind of awkward.
Prankdudez!
Sorry about your wife.
♪
-Ah!
-What?
Snacks, I hate snacks!
You're afraid of snacks?
Hey guys, look!
Nice work, shorty.
You've got the
archaeologist's eye.
You forgot this
back at the house.
♪
Ah, Vasquez,
he's dead!
Why, why?
It should have been me,
because I
wouldn't have died.
I'm a better adventurer.
Oh, this is bad!
If someone killed him
they could have the stone.
Unless...
Guys, the stone
was never here,
and I know
where to find it,
and when we
find it, we can--
Bring your partner
back to life.
Oh, I was going to say
put it in a museum
and be famous,
but we can do
it your way.
Okay, guys, looks like
we're going to the Amazon.
Oh, I love their
free two-day shipping.
Indiana, we already
completed our assignment.
We found your partner.
So you're saying
you want more money?
50K plus first class travel.
I'll give you $30,000
and you can take your
travel budget out of that.
♪
Um, guys, I
forgot my iPad.
Ah, peanuts!
♪
(tires squealing)
(donkey braying)
♪
Ms. Goebbels, I'm
guessing your note
is more interesting
than my class?
Oh, well, I, um...
We should probably
let everyone know
what is so important
that it couldn't wait
until we were finished.
"Hey guys, it's
our lucky break.
That guy we stabbed,
his partner is looking
for the stone with
some superhero help.
They'll for sure
get the stone
with their
powers or whatever,
and then we just need
to take what's ours.
Also, Mr. Williams
is fat and disgusting."
(tittering)
♪
I hope we find
the stone soon
because this dude
is getting ripe.
Hey, Indiana,
you want some Snake?
Well, thank you,
don't mind if I do.
Ah, snacks!
(laughing)
-Prankdudez.
-Nice!
Why does it always
have to be snacks?
♪
Okay, there's the Tomb
of the Weeping Angel Stone.
We just need to get
through this maze
to get to the entrance.
All right, gang, this
is a pretty intense maze.
Going to take some
serious thought.
We'll need to
summon the best
of all of our
strengths to navigate...
That works, too.
You know, these are
sacred ruins, right?
Guys, guys?
Do you have to drag him
like that, Muscleman?
Oh, he's dead,
he can't feel it.
Ah, the River of Fire,
one of the many
mythical trials
on the way to the stone.
♪
Oh no, do not tell me
you are going skiing.
You're going to wreck
both your damn legs.
We're not skiing, Mama.
We're just
crossing a lava flow
in a booby trapped
dungeon temple.
All right, just so
long as it's not skiing.
You know that's how
we lost Sonny Bono.
♪
(screaming)
♪
(grunting)
(screaming)
♪
The hat!
♪
Okay, there are 17 more
trials to get through,
each one more
dangerous than the last.
Yah, there's the stone.
You just punched a hole
in a 5000-year-old temple.
♪
(whistling sound)
(screaming)
♪
Ah!
(laughing)
Prankdudez!
♪
(hissing)
♪
(screaming)
(sputtering)
♪
I am alive.
My head feels like
it's been banged
on a hundred rocks.
♪
Thank you for
bringing me back to life.
No problem, old friend.
After all, you
brought me back to life
with the Skull
of Immortality.
Oh, well, you know, I was
just returning the favor
from when you
brought me back to life
with the Shroud
of Eternity.
Look, I read your
journal about my wife.
Hey, it only
happened the once,
and it was all
above the waist.
Oh, I didn't read that far.
Professor Vasquez,
can you remember
who killed you?
Unfortunately, I do not.
Being brought back to
life makes your memory hazy.
But whoever did it
might still be out there.
-We need to be careful.
-Don't worry.
The museum is
on lockdown,
and the only people here
are some schoolchildren
on a field trip.
♪
Careful, Taylor, God!
What, he can't
feel anything.
Wow, the Awesomes!
You're, like, the dopest
superheroes of all time,
and you have blue eyes.
Well, you know,
we do our best.
So you probably
know, like, all
about the security here,
'cause you're
smart and cool.
Oh yeah, totally,
they tell me everything.
Shut up.
-It's true!
-OMG, prove it.
Well, for instance,
like, that stone over there
is actually a decoy
stone, and the real one
won't come out
until the presentation.
Interestingly,
around that time
is when the guards
have their shift change,
so it won't be watched
as closely--so rad.
Wow, you are the
coolest adult ever.
Did you hear that--they
totally think I'm cool.
I don't know, I guess I'm
finally just comfortable
with who I am and
they can sense that.
They seemed awful.
Ugh, you just don't get us.
In just a few hours time,
our granddads will
come back to life.
(laughing)
What's the sitch, homebrews,
what are we laughing about?
Um, YouTube.
Ah, yeah, YouTube
be straight tripping.
Hey, you should
check out Prankdudez.
I actually know those
guys pretty well, so rad.
I should grab this
but I'll catch
you guys on
the flippy.
-Hello?
-Prock, my dude.
What is the sitch, homebrew?
Nobody talks like
that, Perfect Man.
Hey, just saw you
on the boob tube.
Maybe a little jealous
that you're doing real work
while I'm stuck
on campaign duty.
Thought I'd give
you a little jingle
to see if you needed
any a-ssis-tance.
Well, we're
actually doing fine.
I got to go because I'm
about to get an award.
Catch you on the
flippy--I mean, um, bye.
Perfect Man,
got a sec?
I have a rally tomorrow.
Which tie do you think
looks more presidential?
Blue with red stripes
or napalm with eagles?
And Awesomes for Hire
to receive the
highest award for...
What in God's name?
(zapping)
You don't have anything
to do with that, do you?
Look, I love those guys,
but this "Awesomes
for Hire" thing,
they're nothing but
glorified vigilantes,
and that's unacceptable.
If anyone on our
team was caught
associating with them,
it could look very
bad for my candidacy.
I'm proud to celebrate
them here today,
my friends, our heroes,
the Awesomes for Hire.
(applause and cheering)
The Weeping Angel Stone is
one of the most monumental
discoveries in all of history.
Furthermore, putting a
really important stone thingy
in a museum is every
archaeologist's dream.
(laughter)
And don't try to steal it
because this dome case
was specially designed
to be unbreakable
and so heavy
even ten men
couldn't lift it.
Hey, can I borrow this
case for my Jesus Cheeto?
It's a Cheeto I found
that looks like Jesus.
-Ah!
-Oh, right,
Cheetos are a snack.
No, the stone!
♪
(roaring)
(exclaiming)
♪
(screeching)
Thank God we got a
dinosaur expert with us.
I'm an archaeologist!
Oh, right,
you're the rock guy.
Hey, what's the
deal with sand?
(trumpeting)
♪
(grunting)
♪
I don't get it, why did
those girls steal the stone?
I know, right,
they're good kids.
I guess they just needed
to be challenged more.
So rad.
♪
Oh my God.
♪
It's the Baha Men.
Ugh, mein head feels like
it's been hit
with a million rocks.
I have to help them!
But how do you
stop a dinosaur?
If only I paid more
attention in archaeology class.
Hey, Mr. Awesome, how
were the dinosaurs killed?
An asteroid.
♪
Oh hey, Dr. Malocchio.
Do we know each other?
Of course,
I'm Perfect Man.
Everyone knows me,
and I totally
boned your daughter.
-Daughter?
-Yeah, Hotwire,
and you're Dr. Malocchio.
You're a scientist.
You turned evil,
took over the world.
Then you died, although
I guess you didn't die.
That's weird--anyway,
I gotta go throw this
asteroid at the earth.
See you, Dr. M.
♪
(roaring)
♪
We meet again, Hitler.
I should have killed
you the first time
for selling me that
terrible painting.
Come on, I was
just a student!
♪
Take that, dinosaurs!
Feels good to
save the world.
I like the future.
Shut up, Goebbels!
Seriously, I think
people really like Nazis.
Everyone's always
comparing stuff to us
on Twitter.
Oh, look, look, look,
they're using
our symbol everywhere.
That's a hashtag.
(grunting)
♪
(grunting)
♪
For 16 years, I
searched for the stone,
and now you "heroes"
led me right to it.
Hey, take it from a
cool, smart guy, uh, me,
you girls don't
need to do this.
My PopPop, Adolf
Hitler, had a dream,
and today he will
have the chance
to finish what he started.
Are you aware of
what his dream was?
I mean, not really.
I'm pretty bad at history,
but he's my grandpa.
I'm sure he has
good intentions.
Actually...
-What?
-Who cares?
You guys want
to be superheroes,
but really,
you're just a bunch
of super queeros.
Hey, that's our word.
Not cool, Taylor.
Um, and our grandpas would
never approve of hate speech.
Actually...
Huh, these girls do not
seem to get along that well.
Um, have you never been
around teenage girls before?
-Whoa!
-Oh, I've been around
plenty of teenage girls--
that totally
came out wrong--
but I think I have an idea.
Hey Taylor, it was
really nice of you
to let your friend take
all the credit for the plan
even though you were the one
who actually grabbed the stone.
Excuse me,
she took credit?
Yeah, Hailey said the
only stone you could find
is the one
you call a brain.
Hailey, what the hell?
Taylor, chill out.
She's obviously just
trying to stall us.
Very smart, Hailey Himmler.
Kenzie was right about you.
You are a clever
little slut bag.
-Whoa.
-I know, it just came out of me.
Slut bag?
Hailey, calm down, I
would never say that.
Yeah, not to her face.
Shut up, Taylor!
You know I've
never even had sex.
That's not what
Kenzie told Brad.
You told Brad?
Frantic, now!
(arguing)
♪
No!
That belongs
in a museum.
I thought we were going
to sell it to a collector.
Shut up.
How'd you know about Brad?
There's always a Brad.
♪
(grunts)
All right.
Dinosaurs are now extinct.
I hope you learned your lesson.
You're all getting
six months detention.
-Aw!
-Seriously, detention?
They murdered me, yeah,
let's just give them detention.
That sounds fair; that's
how much my life is worth.
Uh, complain much?
You're alive now,
stop yapping.
They're all
yours, teacher man.
Why do I have to take them?
That was great, guys--
talk about a real mission.
This is finally going
to put us back on the map.
Hey friends, I solved
your dinosaur problem.
What are you talking
about, Perfect Man?
Well, I realized
what do dinosaurs
hate more than anything?
Asteroids, so I
got an asteroid
and sent it
flying towards Earth.
(murmur of crowd)
This day is
full of surprises.
♪
(screaming)
If we're going to
die, I must confess,
it was more than once,
and it was very
below the waist.
Um, we had sex.
It was pretty great.
(screaming)
Mira, es Señor Awesome!
(grunting)
Hurray!
Woohoo!
(sighs)
Well, Mr. Awesome's
approval ratings
are higher than ever.
There isn't even
anything on here about us.
Wait, wait, wait,
oh, here it is.
News of the Weird.
Awesomes for Hire Solve
Library Pee Smell.
Well, we may not have
made the front page,
and my dad got
all the credit,
and we're still
sharing office space,
but on the bright side,
we did manage to sideline
the return of the
world's greatest villains.
Right, teen girls.
Actually I meant Hitler,
Goebbels, and Himmler.
Oh, those were the
names of the dinosaurs?
-The Nazis.
-That was my next guess.
Not to mention we got
some great training equipment
to practice on.
(growling)
(screaming)
(laughing)
Prankdudez!
(laughing)
I could get used to
working with these guys.
♪
What a great show.
That new steam
machine worked great.
The mister, yeah,
it was awesome.
Mister, awesome.
It kind of sprayed the
people in front, though.
Next time we gotta
warn everybody.
About the awesome mister?
Warn everybody...
About mister awesome...
Boned your daughter.
Boned your
daughter.
Yeah, that makes sense,
but first things
first, I'm hungry.
Let's get back
to this Earth food
and then warn everyone
about the awesome mister.
Get back to Earth and
warn everyone about...
Mr. Awesome!
♪
Guys, I have to go.
-(coughing)
-You okay, Eve?
The awesome mister
turned Eve ill.
Okay, that's a
little too on the nose.
♪
♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high
if you won't
let me touch you ♪
♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high
if you won't even dance ♪
♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high
if you won't
even dance ♪
♪ Yeah, you won't
even dance ♪♪
♪
♪
The Awesomes:
You can't seriously
be considering
disbanding the Awesomes!
We don't need
fancy headquarters
and expensive equipment
to be superheroes.
We'll help people
who come to us.
We'll be the
Awesomes For Hire.
With the Awesomes gone,
I can finally unleash
my full powers,
and no one will
ever suspect a thing!
And that is why
I have decided
to run for president.
Okay, Malocchio,
you get back to Earth
and stop Mr. Awesome
before it's too late.
Okay, that can't be good.
(grunts)
What were you
doing in space?
Your guess is
as good as mine.
Mr. Awesome,
you have it all.
What made you decide
to risk everything
and run for president?
Standerson, it's simple.
Freedom is not just a word,
freedom is a thing,
a thing that is also
a word, a word thing.
That's what I'm fighting for.
Well said, Mr. Awesome.
You have my vote.
We now turn to
Jeff Parsons for more
on the missing
Malaysian space ship.
Okay, first order
of business.
I'm sorry, does anyone
else think it's strange
Mr. Awesome is
running for president?
Guys, I'm sure my dad
knows what he's doing.
And even though this seems
completely out of touch
with everything
he's ever said or done,
who am I to
challenge him?
(sighs)
Okay, first
order of business,
a big thank you to Concierge
for getting us a loan
so we can finally
have a real office.
I don't know if I'd
call this a real office.
Hey guys, great to share
office space with you.
What app are
you developing?
It's an app called
Saving the World.
If you ever want
to bounce ideas,
you can use our
idea bounce house.
How about those smoothies?
They for the whole office?
No.
Prankdudez!
Okay, I know
this isn't ideal,
but it's the best
we can afford until
we make enough money
to get our own space.
-With free smoothies?
-Why don't you just
make a smoothie,
Impresario?
Have you ever tried
cleaning a blender?
(murmur of agreement)
♪
♪ This feels
awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪
♪
♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels
awesome ♪
♪ This feels so awesome ♪♪
♪
♪
At last, the secret
to immortality,
the Weeping Angel Stone.
♪
It's not here.
♪
(cracking and rumbling)
♪
Oh my God, you
took, like, forever.
Why are you so dirty,
were you, like, camping?
-I am a archaeologist.
-Uh, yeah, we know.
That's why we're here;
we followed you.
You're going to give us
the Weeping Angel Stone.
I don't have the stone;
it wasn't here.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Ugh, are you for
real right now?
We came all
the way through
this, like, gross
jungle for nothing?
We did have those mangoes,
those are really good.
-Shut up, Taylor!
-Who are you?
I'm Mackenzie Hitler.
This is Hailey Himmler
and Taylor Goebbels.
And together, we are...
The Nazi Granddaughters.
Destiny's Child.
I told you,
that was taken.
We're the Nazi
Granddaughters.
And since you
don't have the stone,
I guess we'll have
to, like, kill you.
♪
(sound of blade slicing)
(thud)
♪
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
We love you.
(cheering)
-Sounding good, guys.
-Thanks, bro.
That set didn't feel
too short, did it?
I clocked that last jam
at just under seven hours.
Bon appétit.
What do you call
this one again?
-Pizza.
-Mm, it's great.
-Thank you.
-I don't like mine.
That's a napkin.
Here, try this,
it's a taco.
Mm, where did you learn
about this kind of food?
I'm assuming on my
home planet of Earth.
You know, this Earth food
is way better than
the stuff you can get
at all the bug and rock
trucks at the festival.
I bet if you went
into business,
you could make
some serious cash.
♪
Okay, how are all
of our missions looking?
(phone ringing)
Awesomes for Hire.
Uh huh, we're on it.
Well, I guess we
have a loan to pay off,
so we have to take
anything we can get.
(cell phone ringing)
Prockster,
what's going on, man?
Oh, hi Perfect Man.
Yeah, uh, we've
been really busy.
Lots of important missions.
Guys, I solved
the pee smell.
Turns out the toilet
I've been using is
the book return slot.
Yeah, things are
pretty crazy here, too.
With your dad
running for president,
there's lots of
campaign staff.
Anyway, you got
some mail here.
Great, I'll come
by and get it
in a couple of hour--
Hello, Perfect Man.
He-hey, hey guys, nice setup.
Wow, we got a
smoothie machine too.
Son of a bitch!
-Prankdudez.
-Ah, nice one!
Hey, did you guys
smash a hole in our wall?
-That was already there.
-Got it.
Well, thanks
for the mail.
I miss you guys;
things aren't the same
without you at the Mountain.
-Not as much fun?
-Thanks, P-Man.
Look, if you ever need
anything, like money,
I can teach you how to
squeeze coal into diamonds.
It doesn't work
when I do it.
Right, I forgot
you're weak.
See you guys later.
-Who's that from?
-It's from Indiana Johnson.
He's an archaeologist
and an adventurer
and an old friend
of the Awesomes.
"My dear friend Prock..."
"How have you been?
Ha ha ha, that's good.
I saw on your Tumblr page
that you are For Hire."
See, I told you it
wasn't just for porn.
"So listen up, buddy.
My partner's missing,
and I fear for his life.
Would you please
come to Buenos Aires
and I'll explain more.
In the meantime,
here's an advance
of 50,000 American dollars."
Wow, that actually
sounds like a real mission!
Yeah, with 50 grand up front?
-Damn!
-Woo-hoo!
First class to Argentina!
Not quite; we need to put the
money back into this business.
Come on, Priceline, Papa
needs to get somewhere cheap
but he doesn't care how
many connections it takes.
♪
(dinging)
♪
(ship bell clanging)
♪
Old friends, ah!
Can I just say
that you meeting me
on such short notice
is just totally awesome.
Huh, huh?
(laughing)
I'd normally handle a
case like this on my own,
but I'm afraid this
dashing young archaeologist
isn't so young anymore.
Fishing for
a compliment.
You've aged
well, Gadget Gal.
My secret is Pilates
and a rejuvenation ray.
So an archaeologist--
what's it like working
with dinosaur bones?
That's a paleontologist.
I'm an archaeologist.
Ooh, I love archaeology.
What's your favorite mineral?
That's a geologist.
Oh, you fix people's gums
and then you buy
them fancy clothes?
That's a periodontist
and a personal shopper,
respectively; what I do--
-He's a grave robber.
-Close enough.
So your missing partner,
was he looking for
some kind of artifact?
Excellent question, shorty.
You've got the
archaeologist's wit.
Yes, in fact
he was looking
for a very
important artifact,
the Weeping Angel Stone.
-(gasps)
-You've heard of it?
Nah, just practicing
for my audition,
Gasping Man #3--
it's a local commercial.
Well, legend tells of a
jewel in an ancient tomb,
the petrified tear
of an actual angel.
According to this legend,
whoever wields the
Weeping Angel Stone
can bring the dead
back to life.
(gasps)
They cancelled
my audition!
I found this
journal in his study.
His last entry says he
was headed to a volcano
deep in the Selva de Fuego.
You read his diary?
Ooh, who does he
have a crush on?
Turns out my wife.
Kind of awkward.
Prankdudez!
Sorry about your wife.
♪
-Ah!
-What?
Snacks, I hate snacks!
You're afraid of snacks?
Hey guys, look!
Nice work, shorty.
You've got the
archaeologist's eye.
You forgot this
back at the house.
♪
Ah, Vasquez,
he's dead!
Why, why?
It should have been me,
because I
wouldn't have died.
I'm a better adventurer.
Oh, this is bad!
If someone killed him
they could have the stone.
Unless...
Guys, the stone
was never here,
and I know
where to find it,
and when we
find it, we can--
Bring your partner
back to life.
Oh, I was going to say
put it in a museum
and be famous,
but we can do
it your way.
Okay, guys, looks like
we're going to the Amazon.
Oh, I love their
free two-day shipping.
Indiana, we already
completed our assignment.
We found your partner.
So you're saying
you want more money?
50K plus first class travel.
I'll give you $30,000
and you can take your
travel budget out of that.
♪
Um, guys, I
forgot my iPad.
Ah, peanuts!
♪
(tires squealing)
(donkey braying)
♪
Ms. Goebbels, I'm
guessing your note
is more interesting
than my class?
Oh, well, I, um...
We should probably
let everyone know
what is so important
that it couldn't wait
until we were finished.
"Hey guys, it's
our lucky break.
That guy we stabbed,
his partner is looking
for the stone with
some superhero help.
They'll for sure
get the stone
with their
powers or whatever,
and then we just need
to take what's ours.
Also, Mr. Williams
is fat and disgusting."
(tittering)
♪
I hope we find
the stone soon
because this dude
is getting ripe.
Hey, Indiana,
you want some Snake?
Well, thank you,
don't mind if I do.
Ah, snacks!
(laughing)
-Prankdudez.
-Nice!
Why does it always
have to be snacks?
♪
Okay, there's the Tomb
of the Weeping Angel Stone.
We just need to get
through this maze
to get to the entrance.
All right, gang, this
is a pretty intense maze.
Going to take some
serious thought.
We'll need to
summon the best
of all of our
strengths to navigate...
That works, too.
You know, these are
sacred ruins, right?
Guys, guys?
Do you have to drag him
like that, Muscleman?
Oh, he's dead,
he can't feel it.
Ah, the River of Fire,
one of the many
mythical trials
on the way to the stone.
♪
Oh no, do not tell me
you are going skiing.
You're going to wreck
both your damn legs.
We're not skiing, Mama.
We're just
crossing a lava flow
in a booby trapped
dungeon temple.
All right, just so
long as it's not skiing.
You know that's how
we lost Sonny Bono.
♪
(screaming)
♪
(grunting)
(screaming)
♪
The hat!
♪
Okay, there are 17 more
trials to get through,
each one more
dangerous than the last.
Yah, there's the stone.
You just punched a hole
in a 5000-year-old temple.
♪
(whistling sound)
(screaming)
♪
Ah!
(laughing)
Prankdudez!
♪
(hissing)
♪
(screaming)
(sputtering)
♪
I am alive.
My head feels like
it's been banged
on a hundred rocks.
♪
Thank you for
bringing me back to life.
No problem, old friend.
After all, you
brought me back to life
with the Skull
of Immortality.
Oh, well, you know, I was
just returning the favor
from when you
brought me back to life
with the Shroud
of Eternity.
Look, I read your
journal about my wife.
Hey, it only
happened the once,
and it was all
above the waist.
Oh, I didn't read that far.
Professor Vasquez,
can you remember
who killed you?
Unfortunately, I do not.
Being brought back to
life makes your memory hazy.
But whoever did it
might still be out there.
-We need to be careful.
-Don't worry.
The museum is
on lockdown,
and the only people here
are some schoolchildren
on a field trip.
♪
Careful, Taylor, God!
What, he can't
feel anything.
Wow, the Awesomes!
You're, like, the dopest
superheroes of all time,
and you have blue eyes.
Well, you know,
we do our best.
So you probably
know, like, all
about the security here,
'cause you're
smart and cool.
Oh yeah, totally,
they tell me everything.
Shut up.
-It's true!
-OMG, prove it.
Well, for instance,
like, that stone over there
is actually a decoy
stone, and the real one
won't come out
until the presentation.
Interestingly,
around that time
is when the guards
have their shift change,
so it won't be watched
as closely--so rad.
Wow, you are the
coolest adult ever.
Did you hear that--they
totally think I'm cool.
I don't know, I guess I'm
finally just comfortable
with who I am and
they can sense that.
They seemed awful.
Ugh, you just don't get us.
In just a few hours time,
our granddads will
come back to life.
(laughing)
What's the sitch, homebrews,
what are we laughing about?
Um, YouTube.
Ah, yeah, YouTube
be straight tripping.
Hey, you should
check out Prankdudez.
I actually know those
guys pretty well, so rad.
I should grab this
but I'll catch
you guys on
the flippy.
-Hello?
-Prock, my dude.
What is the sitch, homebrew?
Nobody talks like
that, Perfect Man.
Hey, just saw you
on the boob tube.
Maybe a little jealous
that you're doing real work
while I'm stuck
on campaign duty.
Thought I'd give
you a little jingle
to see if you needed
any a-ssis-tance.
Well, we're
actually doing fine.
I got to go because I'm
about to get an award.
Catch you on the
flippy--I mean, um, bye.
Perfect Man,
got a sec?
I have a rally tomorrow.
Which tie do you think
looks more presidential?
Blue with red stripes
or napalm with eagles?
And Awesomes for Hire
to receive the
highest award for...
What in God's name?
(zapping)
You don't have anything
to do with that, do you?
Look, I love those guys,
but this "Awesomes
for Hire" thing,
they're nothing but
glorified vigilantes,
and that's unacceptable.
If anyone on our
team was caught
associating with them,
it could look very
bad for my candidacy.
I'm proud to celebrate
them here today,
my friends, our heroes,
the Awesomes for Hire.
(applause and cheering)
The Weeping Angel Stone is
one of the most monumental
discoveries in all of history.
Furthermore, putting a
really important stone thingy
in a museum is every
archaeologist's dream.
(laughter)
And don't try to steal it
because this dome case
was specially designed
to be unbreakable
and so heavy
even ten men
couldn't lift it.
Hey, can I borrow this
case for my Jesus Cheeto?
It's a Cheeto I found
that looks like Jesus.
-Ah!
-Oh, right,
Cheetos are a snack.
No, the stone!
♪
(roaring)
(exclaiming)
♪
(screeching)
Thank God we got a
dinosaur expert with us.
I'm an archaeologist!
Oh, right,
you're the rock guy.
Hey, what's the
deal with sand?
(trumpeting)
♪
(grunting)
♪
I don't get it, why did
those girls steal the stone?
I know, right,
they're good kids.
I guess they just needed
to be challenged more.
So rad.
♪
Oh my God.
♪
It's the Baha Men.
Ugh, mein head feels like
it's been hit
with a million rocks.
I have to help them!
But how do you
stop a dinosaur?
If only I paid more
attention in archaeology class.
Hey, Mr. Awesome, how
were the dinosaurs killed?
An asteroid.
♪
Oh hey, Dr. Malocchio.
Do we know each other?
Of course,
I'm Perfect Man.
Everyone knows me,
and I totally
boned your daughter.
-Daughter?
-Yeah, Hotwire,
and you're Dr. Malocchio.
You're a scientist.
You turned evil,
took over the world.
Then you died, although
I guess you didn't die.
That's weird--anyway,
I gotta go throw this
asteroid at the earth.
See you, Dr. M.
♪
(roaring)
♪
We meet again, Hitler.
I should have killed
you the first time
for selling me that
terrible painting.
Come on, I was
just a student!
♪
Take that, dinosaurs!
Feels good to
save the world.
I like the future.
Shut up, Goebbels!
Seriously, I think
people really like Nazis.
Everyone's always
comparing stuff to us
on Twitter.
Oh, look, look, look,
they're using
our symbol everywhere.
That's a hashtag.
(grunting)
♪
(grunting)
♪
For 16 years, I
searched for the stone,
and now you "heroes"
led me right to it.
Hey, take it from a
cool, smart guy, uh, me,
you girls don't
need to do this.
My PopPop, Adolf
Hitler, had a dream,
and today he will
have the chance
to finish what he started.
Are you aware of
what his dream was?
I mean, not really.
I'm pretty bad at history,
but he's my grandpa.
I'm sure he has
good intentions.
Actually...
-What?
-Who cares?
You guys want
to be superheroes,
but really,
you're just a bunch
of super queeros.
Hey, that's our word.
Not cool, Taylor.
Um, and our grandpas would
never approve of hate speech.
Actually...
Huh, these girls do not
seem to get along that well.
Um, have you never been
around teenage girls before?
-Whoa!
-Oh, I've been around
plenty of teenage girls--
that totally
came out wrong--
but I think I have an idea.
Hey Taylor, it was
really nice of you
to let your friend take
all the credit for the plan
even though you were the one
who actually grabbed the stone.
Excuse me,
she took credit?
Yeah, Hailey said the
only stone you could find
is the one
you call a brain.
Hailey, what the hell?
Taylor, chill out.
She's obviously just
trying to stall us.
Very smart, Hailey Himmler.
Kenzie was right about you.
You are a clever
little slut bag.
-Whoa.
-I know, it just came out of me.
Slut bag?
Hailey, calm down, I
would never say that.
Yeah, not to her face.
Shut up, Taylor!
You know I've
never even had sex.
That's not what
Kenzie told Brad.
You told Brad?
Frantic, now!
(arguing)
♪
No!
That belongs
in a museum.
I thought we were going
to sell it to a collector.
Shut up.
How'd you know about Brad?
There's always a Brad.
♪
(grunts)
All right.
Dinosaurs are now extinct.
I hope you learned your lesson.
You're all getting
six months detention.
-Aw!
-Seriously, detention?
They murdered me, yeah,
let's just give them detention.
That sounds fair; that's
how much my life is worth.
Uh, complain much?
You're alive now,
stop yapping.
They're all
yours, teacher man.
Why do I have to take them?
That was great, guys--
talk about a real mission.
This is finally going
to put us back on the map.
Hey friends, I solved
your dinosaur problem.
What are you talking
about, Perfect Man?
Well, I realized
what do dinosaurs
hate more than anything?
Asteroids, so I
got an asteroid
and sent it
flying towards Earth.
(murmur of crowd)
This day is
full of surprises.
♪
(screaming)
If we're going to
die, I must confess,
it was more than once,
and it was very
below the waist.
Um, we had sex.
It was pretty great.
(screaming)
Mira, es Señor Awesome!
(grunting)
Hurray!
Woohoo!
(sighs)
Well, Mr. Awesome's
approval ratings
are higher than ever.
There isn't even
anything on here about us.
Wait, wait, wait,
oh, here it is.
News of the Weird.
Awesomes for Hire Solve
Library Pee Smell.
Well, we may not have
made the front page,
and my dad got
all the credit,
and we're still
sharing office space,
but on the bright side,
we did manage to sideline
the return of the
world's greatest villains.
Right, teen girls.
Actually I meant Hitler,
Goebbels, and Himmler.
Oh, those were the
names of the dinosaurs?
-The Nazis.
-That was my next guess.
Not to mention we got
some great training equipment
to practice on.
(growling)
(screaming)
(laughing)
Prankdudez!
(laughing)
I could get used to
working with these guys.
♪
What a great show.
That new steam
machine worked great.
The mister, yeah,
it was awesome.
Mister, awesome.
It kind of sprayed the
people in front, though.
Next time we gotta
warn everybody.
About the awesome mister?
Warn everybody...
About mister awesome...
Boned your daughter.
Boned your
daughter.
Yeah, that makes sense,
but first things
first, I'm hungry.
Let's get back
to this Earth food
and then warn everyone
about the awesome mister.
Get back to Earth and
warn everyone about...
Mr. Awesome!
♪
Guys, I have to go.
-(coughing)
-You okay, Eve?
The awesome mister
turned Eve ill.
Okay, that's a
little too on the nose.
♪
♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high
if you won't
let me touch you ♪
♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high
if you won't even dance ♪
♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high
if you won't
even dance ♪
♪ Yeah, you won't
even dance ♪♪
♪
♪