The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Awesomes for Hire - full transcript

Previously on The Awesomes...

Listen, Malocchio,
I'm turning evil.

-Dad?
-Welcome home.

(zapping)

♪

For the third time today,

our city is in crisis,

and once again
The Awesomes are to blame.

I'll just say what
we're all thinking,

if Mr. Awesome is
back, there is no way

he shouldn't be
leading that team.



We've been invited
to a banquet

honoring Perfect Man
for rebuilding France.

Probably better
to stay here

and watch over
things at home,

especially with how bumpy
the last few weeks have been.

Nonsense;
You guys go have fun.

Uh-oh.

♪

Protests continue
outside Awesome Mountain

after the team responsible
for protecting us

spent the week in Paris

as the city faced
a series of catastrophes.

Robberies,
prison breaks,

and a surprise
earthquake



which ruined the
city's annual Jenga-Con.

You've never
heard so many people

say Jenga at the same time.

It was deafening.

Thank God Mr. Awesome was here

or it could have
been so much worse,

which is why I think
it has to be said,

put him back in charge.

It's his team,
am I right?

Any clues, Benedict?

Oh, I think I
see a troll print.

Muscleman,
turn it back.

I didn't change the channel,

it's just set to record.

I have a season pass
to Unicorn Detective.

Awesomes, I don't
know what to say.

In one week, you failed
to apprehend Villaintine,

your own bionic suit
went on a rampage,

Muscleman unleashed
the terror of Cat Lady,

and then instead of
redoubling your efforts

to protect the city,

you abandon it
to be destroyed

while you
gallivanted around Paris.

I object!

I don't know what
gallivant means.

It means you were enjoying

wine and delicious food.

Oh yeah,
we did do that.

You must gallivant in Paris

if you ever get the chance.

It's très bon.

I didn't care for it.

-Guys.
-Thankfully,

Mr. Awesome didn't let things

get too far out of hand.

I didn't do
anything these kids

wouldn't have done
if they were here.

That's the point,
they weren't here.

And the public
isn't happy about it.

Hey-hey, ho-ho,

Prock and
The Awesomes have to go!

Now, Joyce,
you can't just

cave in to public pressure.

You can't seriously
be considering

disbanding The Awesomes.

(gasping)

I am not.

The Awesomes
will remain intact.

But, effective immediately,

you will all be replaced
by new team members,

with Mr. Awesome replacing
Prock as the team leader.

♪

What are you trying to
say, Unicorn Detective?

-Muscleman!
-It's a season pass!

♪

♪ This feels
awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels
awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪♪

♪

♪

-I can't believe it.
-I know, I thought being

on The Awesomes
was for life,

like the Supreme Court.

Or my Columbia House
CD of the Month Club.

Ooh, Blind Melon.

It only cost me one penny,

plus $8,000 in
CDs I didn't want.

I'm so sorry things
broke this way, son,

but this is
only temporary.

Soon public opinion will
swing back in your favor

and you'll be back in charge.

In the meantime, I'll
keep it warm for you.

Okay, I guess.

I'm gonna miss
this place; or not.

I'm not really in
touch with my feelings,

but I know I will
follow you anywhere, Prock.

Good news, Perfect Man.

I talked to Joyce
and she agreed

to a special dispensation
allowing you to stay

and help me build my new team.

Touchdown!

Now let's start calling

some real heroes.

I'm not sure
I like Mr. Awesome.

That's just because
you're focusing

on his everything.

Something here
does not smell right.

It might be this.

I think my jar of
brassiere wax has turned.

Oh, dear Lord.

(whistling)

My plan is coming
together perfectly.

With The Awesomes gone,

I can finally
unleash my full powers

and no one will
ever suspect a thing.

(laughing)

♪

Good news, Joyce,
Perfect Man agreed

to stick around
and I've got calls

into some of the
other old gang.

We'll have a new
and improved Awesomes

up and running
in no time.

You won't have
to worry about us.

That's wonderful.

However, there is one
thing I have to discuss.

Prock left behind
a pretty big mess,

and in order
to fully do my job

I need complete access

to all government resources.

I need you to give me

Level 1H security clearance.

(laughing)

You can't be serious.

Only the President has 1H.

Joyce, I just
wanna do my job.

There's no way.

In fact, due to
the recent events,

The Awesomes will face
increased oversight

going forward.

A department liaison
will accompany you

on all missions.

You will need to
fill out daily logs

and you will not be able

to unleash your full powers

without department approval.

♪

Ow!

You okay?

No, I think I'm in shock.

We were having
such a great year,

then my dad came back
and everything goes wrong.

I mean, earthquakes?

And now suddenly
we're all out of jobs

and leaving
Awesome Mountain

and my dad
doesn't exactly seem

broken up by any of it.

Well, I say we turn
this into a positive.

We've lived
in Awesome Mountain

our whole adult lives.

Who knows what
else is out there?

You're right, let's go.

No more comforts of home.

Thanks for letting us
stay with you, Mom.

Of course, Jeremy.

Who's Jeremy?

Aw, Harry, I remember
when you and Jeremy

would have sleepovers
in those bunk beds.

If these walls
could talk...

I bet they'd say,
"Why so many fart contests?"

So, Jeremy,
your father returns

from gallivanting
across space.

There's that word again.

I wish I had listened
when they explained it.

And what's the
first thing he does?

He takes his old job back

and replaces his own son.

Mom, it's complicated.

There's nothing
complicated about your father.

He thought no one could
or should replace him,

and now he's back to prove it.

It's temporary.

So your father,

who thinks he's the
center of the universe

just because
he has the power

to redirect the orbit
of the Earth

and make the world
physically revolve around him,

throws his son,
who worships him,

out on his ass,
and his son, as always,

runs right back
to his mother's arms

and never stops
to think that

maybe it's time
he grew up,

took off his
superhero costume,

and stopped
chasing an empty dream!

Agh, this is why
I never come home!

Oh, right, Impresario is
the one with mama issues.

Not anymore.

Now who's hungry?

I've got takeout menus.

That's a lot of
stuff, Gadget Gal.

Hey, Gadget Gal,
where do you want

the harp without
strings and every issue

of Reader's Digest
from 1954?

Hm, how about on this pile?

One man's trash is
Gadget Gal's treasure.

Everything here can
be turned into a weapon.

I find that
hard to believe.

Now while you're
here, I want you all

the read my book
and start thinking

about how wonderful
life will be

now that you are abandoning

your juvenile fantasy life

of so-called superheroics.

I'm gonna make sure
we have enough towels.

I don't get it,

what does she have
against superheroes?

A lot, Prock's mom is
actually one of the world's

foremost
anti-superhero activists.

She wrote a
best-selling book

in the '70s called
Super Dummies:

Why the World
Needs Super Heroes

Like a Hole in the Head,

and helped to pass the landmark

Superhero
Regulation Act of 1972.

And then, against all odds,

she fell for the most
famous superhero of all,

Mr. Awesome.

I guess love is blind,

like that melon
from the CD club.

Not that blind.

They fought constantly
and divorced when Prock

was just a kid.

Hey, guys,
I'm Prock's stepdad,

Dr. Jeffrey Kaplan.

Jazz enthusiast,
bridge player,

porcelain doll collector,

sea kayaker,
rhythmic gymnast.

And as a little side project,

I'm a therapist.

You're in Columbia
House CD Club too?

It's always great
to meet a fellow alum.

Please, everyone make
yourself comfortable.

With 11 people living
in a 3-bedroom home,

it's gonna be
a little tight,

but my home
is your home.

My office is also your home

because I work
out of my home.

Hey!

I see you met
my husband Jeffrey.

He's my partner,
my friend,

a jazz enthusiast.

-A bridge player.
-Jeffrey, that's enough.

Isn't he so much
better than Mr. Awesome?

Ugh, with his
muscles and his veins

popping out of his neck

throbbing with testosterone

just waiting to
tear my clothes off

and have me right
there on the floor.

I hate him!

Well, I'd better
start unpacking,

both my suitcase and
everything you just said.

(murmuring)

I hope you're hungry,

I'm making my world
famous beef teriyaki.

The secret is in the marinade,

which starts simply enough

with a whisper of soy.

Okay, Jeffrey, enough.

♪

To what do I owe
the distinct pleasure

of your company this
morning, Mr. Awesome?

Senator Turnipseed,
I'll be brief.

Superheroes just
want to do our job

and protect the public,

but the government
has too many regulations

tying us down.

You don't have to
tell me, Mr. Awesome,

you've got more eyes on you

than a beauty queen
taking a creek bath.

That's why I came to you.

It's time to abolish

The Department
of Superhero Affairs

once and for all.

Now why would I stick
my neck out for you?

Oh, I don't know,

years of loyalty
and friendship?

Doesn't he know that
politics is never simple?

It's like I always say,

politics can be stickier

than a possum's paws
on Christmas morning.

I think I could help.

♪

(yawning)

Ow; Gadget Gal,

you've got to get rid
of this junk pile.

I think there are
actually people

trapped inside of it.

Hey, guys, don't mind me.

Hi!

I brought
Reggie in here

because he also has
a hoarding problem.

See, Reggie,
if you get worse,

you'll turn into this woman.

♪

Thanks for making us breakfast,

Dr. Stein-Awesome-Kaplan.

Eating another
mama's eggs.

I guess it's okay.

There she is,
my little boy's lover.

Oh, I so prefer
girlfriend.

Ugh, when did lover
become a dirty word?

It just means to love.

Who here thought I
meant to have sex with

when I said lover?

Ugh, so be it.

Now I think
everything that's happened

is a great
opportunity for all of you.

With the superhero
nonsense behind you,

you can focus on
starting your real careers.

I took the liberty of
going through the want ads.

Travel agent, that sounds
like concierge to me.

Booking dot yeah.

Tim, are you good at math?

Come on, lady,
don't embarrass yourself.

Hey, guys, look what I found.

My very first cape.

I thought I got rid of that.

Yeah, and I knew you would,

so I made a decoy cape

and hid this one
in the attic.

You're in a good
mood for someone

who slept in a bunk bed.

I'm in a good mood

because this reminded
me of something.

That you do not
have the shoulders

to pull off a cape?

No, it reminded me that

we don't need
fancy headquarters

and expensive equipment
to be superheroes.

We're not playing
superheroes, Mom,

because superheroes
aren't made they're born.

We still have our powers
and we're still a team,

so let's go out there
and be superheroes.

Like vigilantes; I thought
you hated vigilantes.

I do, but they show up

when no one asked
for their help.

We'll help people
who come to us.

We'll be The Awesomes For Hire.

Or--or use your
college education

to become
a dental assistant.

Huh, mouths?

Everyone likes
looking into mouths.

I like mouths.

That's good, Reggie,

you're engaging
in conversation.

So, what do you guys say?

This Awesomes For Hire thing

is not as exciting

as I thought it would be.

Can I have some lemonade?

No, for the last time,

we are not
a lemonade stand.

But your sign.

Just trying to
generate some buzz.

Hello, Awesomes
For Hire; Hello?

Hey, do you know where
the margarita mix is?

-Perfect Man?
-For the margarita machine.

We're having a pool
party for the new team.

The Awesomes' pool is for
underwater training only.

And wait, is
there a new team

in place already?

Yeah, your dad
said he had people

on something
called speed dial.

Old folk talk,
right; Nice bunch.

We've got a guy who I think's
called Pigeon something.

It's Hot Wings, I've
corrected you several times.

There's a ninja person
who's super sneaky

and I think it watched
me sleep last night.

There's a guy who
makes ice cubes

which are great
for margaritas

and there's a centaur
and a human sphinx

and a lady with robot boobs,

and they're all in the pool.

-Marco!
-Oh, and a guy named Marco.

-I think.
-My dad is not going to be happy

when he hears you're
having a pool party.

Oh, it was his idea
to celebrate the new team.

Cannonball!

(splash)

Was that my dad?

Ha-ha, yes it was!

Man, for someone
who said he was

only keepin'
it warm for me,

he sure seems to be
having a lot of fun.

Yeah, it's the best.

So, do you know
where that mix is?

Because this margarita machine

isn't gonna refill itself.

Oh, wait, yes it is!

Wow, a self-refilling
margarita machine.

I've never seen that before.

That is amazing!

All right,
Procky-doo, gotta go.

I'm glad you're finally

getting rid of some stuff,
Gadget Gal.

Yeah, I realized
I might have a problem.

Can I work for you,
Gadget Gal?

(fast-paced auctioneering)

♪

Going once,
going twice, sold!

This megaphone
sold for $3.26.

Gadget Gal, no one wants
to buy your old junk.

What she's trying to say is

your garage sale
sign is missing a B.

Uh, excuse me, Gadget Gal,

is this the feather duster

that defeated
Dr. Hay Fever in 1978?

The very same.

I'll give you 1200 for it.

I'll give you 1400.

-Oh, what the--
-Son of a...

Now I want to hear everything

about you and Jeremy.

How are things
between the sheets?

Um, I don't know if
I feel comfortable

talking about that.

Well, if he's
anything like his father,

I'm sure you have no
complaints in the bedroom

or the kitchen,
the bathroom,

garage, crawl space.

Oh, look at them,
playing superhero

just like when
they were little.

It's just sad.

Look at us,
playing superhero

just like when
we were little.

-It's great.
-Is it great?

Did we need Awesome
Mountain to matter?

Are we irrelevant now?

Also, since when does
my dad like pool parties?

Hey, everyone thought

because our parents
were superheroes

that we had our
success handed to us.

This is our chance to prove

we can do it without them.

How are we gonna do that?

We're gonna start small.

Sorry, we don't
actually have lemonade.

You're The Awesomes
For Hire, right?

Yes, as a matter of fact we are.

Do you have a
mission for us?

Muscleman.

We don't know
what she's here for.

It could be
a super villain.

It could be
a natural disaster.

Now, what is it, kid?

I lost my bike.

♪

We're on the case.

Doesn't it feel good
to be superheroes again?

Okay, I know, but
Muscleman convinced me.

We start small
and then, you know,

she'll tell her friends,

we'll get some
word of mouth,

and eventually we'll be
doing some real missions.

Guys, I found Mike.

We're looking
for a lost bike.

Lost bike.

Oh.

Uh, also, my name is Steve.

Will a Steve work?

Ugh, how do you
even find a bike?

It could be anywhere.

It's like finding
a piece of hay

in my needle collection.

My needle collection I just sold

for $2800, that is.

What are we doing here?

We've saved the world
from evil villains

like 10 times

and now we're
putting up flyers

next to ads for
juggling classes.

No, do you remember what
happened the last time

you tried to learn
how to juggle?

The cat went in
the ceiling fan.

Fur everywhere.

A broke ass fan,

a cat that was
stone cold dead.

Hey, everybody
needs to calm down.

Tim's right, this
is not what we do.

We fight villains.

And villains don't
steal little girls' bikes.

♪

Soon the Super Bike
will be complete

and we can finally
take back what's ours.

(maniacal laughing)

♪

So this is for my new book,

The Mind of the "Hero",

hero is in quotes,
mind is italicized.

I am going to
show you an inkblot

and you tell me
what you see.

Mm, an inkblot.

A butterfly.

The cat after Muscleman
juggled it to death.

Breakdancing skeleton.

Alan Moore's The Watchmen.

The pubic hair
of Lillian Gish.

Guys, guess what, I've
been doing some research

and reports
of missing bikes

have been way up
all over the city.

I think that little
girl's missing bike

could be part
of something bigger.

I have a plan.

We leave out
a decoy bike

with GPS in a central area

where we know
it'll get stolen,

and then when it does
we follow the thief.

GPS; Prock, we
need to give it up.

We're not on salary anymore

and we've already
spent way too much money

on this mission as it is.

Frantic printed the
flyers on résumé paper.

I just think it
looks professional.

A little girl
lost her bike,

that's all that happened.

Let's just buy her a
new one and call it a day.

I'll pay; in fact,
bikes for everyone.

Bells, baskets,
and banana seats.

Can I recommend
a recumbent bicycle?

So good for the spine.

It's a real head-turner,

you get a lot of comments.

Jeffrey, Jesus.

I know this isn't the
level that we're used to,

but, guys, we're
in the business

of helping people.

And business is booming.

Hello, Awesomes For Hire.

Is this the Awesomes For Hire?

Yes, it is, who's this?

Can you help me
find my blankie?

Hold on, let me
just write this down.

Your blankie.

I lost my blankie,
can you find it?

(laughing)

Perfect Man,
you are hilarious.

♪

So now we just wait
for the bike to get stolen

and see where
they take it.

Hey, guys, it's moving.

(beeping)

Superhero deregulation
has been moving slowly,

but I wasn't worried.

After all, there's
more than one way

to peel an okra.

See that gentleman
over there?

He's the Chairman of
the Superhero Committee.

All superhero related
bills run through him.

But if I can get him
a spot on Appropriations,

that leaves
Congressman Donaldson

at Superhero.

Of course, how can
Brant go to Appropriations,

you might ask, when that
spot's already filled--

Yeah, can you
just take care of it

and not bother me
with the details.

Thanks.

Sure.

(beeping)

And we have a location.

Who's ready to get back
in the superhero game?

(cheering)

I love bikes.

Mom, can you
take us somewhere?

♪

Thanks, Mom, I know you
don't approve of this.

I don't, but I support.

Have fun playing.

It's not playing,
it's a mission.

Should I get orange
slices for afterwards?

Yes.

I'm sorry, Mr. Awesome,
I did my best.

I don't understand.

All the negotiating,
the horse-trading,

what happened?

I told you I would get
the committee on board,

but the President announced

that he would
veto our bill.

Some have called him

the second most powerful
man in this town.

I got--I gotta ask.

Who do you keep talking to?

Nobody;
Nobody.

Nobody at all.

Nobody.

Mr. Awesome was
turning into a liability.

He knew too much.

♪

Farewell, Mr. Awesome.

♪

What is this place?

I think Prock was right.

This is something big.

Look, it's the bike!

-Jeffrey?
-Hey, guys,

they, uh,
stole my bike

while I was riding it.

And these recumbents
are really hard

to get out of quickly.

Enough!

♪

Oh, look, it's The Awesomes,

America's favorite
unemployed superhero team.

We're not unemployed,

we're independent contractors.

What does that even mean?

On a tax level,
it's far more beneficial.

We can deduct
like everything.

Who are you?

We are the Spokesmen,

and we are tired
of taking a backseat

to drivers.

That's a confusing metaphor.

We don't clog the
streets with traffic

and our bikes don't
pollute the Earth,

and yet the whole
world is designed

for the automobile.

Did you know that
by switching

from a car to a bike

you could lower
your carbon footprint?

This guy's worse
than Jeffrey.

Hey!

Well, now all that's
about to change,

because we've
built the Super Bike.

♪

Super Mike; I didn't
know Mike had powers.

Muscleman, what is
wrong with your hearing?

You know, I think
I got water in my ear

when we fought Seaman.

That was two weeks ago.

To Mexico; sign me up!

Can you please
stop interrupting?

Anyway, where was I?

Ah, yes, the Super Bike!

A bike so powerful
that the energy

from a single biker's legs

can flatten
an entire city block

with one turn of the wheel.

And we are going to use it

to create the world's
largest bike lane.

But that would
destroy half the city.

What about
the lovely bike path

that runs along the river?

That's not enough
for you people?

It actually gets very
crowded on the weekends!

Spokesmen, let's ride!

♪

(bike bell rings)

♪

Let's get 'em!

♪

(tires screeching)

♪

Great driving, Mom.

No one takes my Jeffrey

and puts him
inside a bicycle.

♪

Commence bike lane
construction!

Now!

Not if your project gets
caught up in red tape.

♪

Oh, you're late!

♪

(grunting)

♪

(laughing)

♪

Perfect Man, what
are you doing here?

I came to apologize.

This isn't a good time.

♪

I was being a jerk again,

but this time,
this time I remembered

that you guys weren't
just my teammates,

you guys are my family.

Perfect Man, I'm trying
to stop this bike.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

(shattering)

My bike!

Perfect Man saved the city!

(chanting "Perfect Man!")

Great job, Perfect Man.

Yeah, way to go!

This calls for
another pool party.

(cheering)

Sorry, Prock.

Here's your husband.

Jeffrey, I was so
worried about you.

Oh, I'm okay.

I wish I could say the
same for my bike though.

Don't think this makes
things okay with us.

You're still a
dangerous man-child

whose whole life is
one long midlife crisis.

And you're still an
overbearing know-it-all

with ice water
running through her veins.

♪

Um, cough, cough.

I heard about the
veto, by the way.

You'll never succeed
in dismantling

the regulations I
worked so hard to create.

That reminds me, I have
an announcement to make.

And that is why I have decided

to run for president.

♪

Well, this is
certainly an unexpected--

Jeffrey, enough!

♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't
let me touch you ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't even dance ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't
even dance ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't
even dance ♪♪

♪

♪