The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 3, Episode 3 - Les Miserawesomes - full transcript

Previously on
The Awesomes:

Soon I will turn
fully evil

and begin the process of
destroying all of humanity.

I don't know why we're
so off our game today.

And of all days,
right when my dad comes back.

Okay, Malocchio,
you get back to Earth

and stop Mr. Awesome
before it's too late.

Okay, that can't be good.

What were you doing
in space?

Your guess is
as good as mine.

Mademoiselle Hunchback,
oh, I keep forgetting



that you're still
here, my love.

Of course I'm still here.

Paris was destroyed
by the alien invasion.

Right, right, right, right.

We should really
rebuild that.

Man, this place
took a beating.

And all because
the Awesomes

left open a portal
for aliens to wander through.

Why you gotta
keep bringing that up?

Why not focus on the fact
that Perfect Man and I

agreed to come over
and help get things

back to normal?

Oh, well you are both
equally helpful.

You with the dusting,
and him with the rest.



(whistling)

♪

Everything always gotta
be a contest with you.

(speaking French)

I don't wanna buy
no dirty cat!

Impresario!

She's only a girl.

So you give a girl
a cigarette?

Oh relax,
it was just a slim.

Mm, yum, yum, yum.

I ain't got no love
for the French.

♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪

♪ Yeah, well,
this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪♪

♪

(grunting)

There's nothing you can
do now, Dr. Malocchio.

Your evil is in
my blood now.

If you really think about it,

all of this is happening
because of you.

Daddy, please.

♪

No!

-Whoa, easy Dr. M.
-Bad dream?

A girl.

A girl I think
I should know.

Why can't I remember anything?

I think you may have
taken one too many tabs

of Glorp Dust.

I didn't take
any Glorp Dust.

Uh-oh, dude.

That means Phil
must have taken it all!

Oh no!

No!

♪

Do you guys know
anything about musicals?

Yes, musicals
are a combination

of acting, singing,
and dancing,

that tend to diminish
the quality

of all three disciplines.

People who like them
tend to be on the dumb side.

Why do you ask?

I might audition
for the school play.

It's Les Misérables.

Um, first off it's
pronounced "Les Miserables,"

and second off, it's only

the greatest musical
of all time!

Of course.

I was in a production
of "Les Miserables"

back in my school days.

Oh, did you play
Jean Valjean?

No, I played the role
of "onlooker,"

who points at a man
beneath a fallen cart

so that Jean Valjean
could lift it off him.

If you give me a moment
to get into character,

I will demonstrate.

Oh, Muscle Man's
doing a show, y'all!

Red leather, yellow leather,
red yellow, yellow leather.

Rubber baby buggy bumpers,
rubber bagy bubby gumpers.

Okay, you guys ready?

-I guess.
-Sure.

Oh, oh,
under the cart!

♪ He's under the cart,
Mr. Valjean ♪♪

You even have to
sing that part?

Everything is sung
in a musical.

It's equal parts
inefficient and stupid.

You said that
about me once.

And?

Hey guys,
we've been invited

to a banquet
honoring Perfect Man

for rebuilding France.

-Pass!
-It's in Paris.

-Let's go!
-Great!

I'm still out.

I hate those
Vichy frog bastards.

Yeah, I think I'm
with you, Gadget Gal.

Probably better to stay here
and watch over things at home.

Especially with how bumpy
the last few weeks have been.

Nonsense,
you guys go have fun.

Plus, if you don't show up
to something like this,

it could lead to
an international incident.

That's the last thing
you need right now.

But hey, what am I doing?

You're in charge here, son.

-Trust your gut.
-Well, I don't want

an international incident.

And Paris is the most
romantic place on Earth.

Hm, would be nice
to get away.

Have a romantic evening.

Gas up the jet, the Awesomes
are going to Paris!

♪

Bonjour!

Whatever you're selling,
I ain't buying.

Bon to the jour!

Thank God
you guys are here.

How's your visit been?

Terrible,
Mademoiselle Hunchback

has been driving me crazy.

-Where is she?
-She's in the bathroom.

If she's not
driving me crazy,

she's in the bathroom,

which drives me crazy!

Hey team, so glad
you guys could make it.

Whoa, cool uniform.

-Very Javert.
-Very what?

It's from "Les Miserables,"
no biggie.

Just the greatest musical
ever written.

Perhaps you remember
the famous lines,

"Oh-oh-oh,
oh-oh-oh,

under the cart,
he's under the cart,

Mr. Valjean!"

Impresario, didn't you
help with the cleanup too?

Where's your ceremony?

They gave me some
participant cheese.

I ain't got no love
for the French!

Anyways, I'll be seated
up at the dais,

but I pulled a few strings
and got you your own table.

It's right back there.

♪

François, looking
very good, mon ami!

Free bread?

So where are we
staying, Concierge?

I don't know,
Frantic booked something

before I had the chance.

But you always
book the hotels.

Give me a break,
he's faster than sound.

I got us a place
through this new website

called AR B&B.

They rent abandoned
bed and breakfasts.

Abandoned bed and breakfasts?

Now, I know it sounds shady

but we got the whole place
to ourselves

and it's cheap!

I can't wait for y'all
to see it!

-That sounds terr--
-Red wine?

Hm, we'll never know
if you were gonna say

"terrible" or "terrific."

He's fine with water.

Come on, it's Paris,
live a little.

Wine's the only thing
worth a damn

this country
ever gave us.

That and Jerry Lewis.

Didn't we give him
to them?

Yes, but they
elevated the work.

I will not have
Tim drinking.

Also, I'm not a big fan
of French wine.

Could I please have
a California Chardonnay

with a couple
of ice cubes?

Chardonnay, wants
California Chardonnay.

Madams and monsieurs,

tonight we honor a man

who has singlehandedly
rebuilt our beloved city.

Singlehandedly?

Mon to the Dieu!

You didn't save me
any bread?

I didn't know
that was my job.

I'm sleeping with you,
so give me what I want.

Right now I want bread.

♪

Perfect Man, as a token
of our appreciation,

please accept
Le Grand Chapeau de Paris.

A lot of people said
I shouldn't help rebuild Paris.

I was told that
you were arrogant,

uppity, unappreciative.

But you reminded me
of someone I loved, me.

To Perfect Man!

-To Perfect Man!
-Here's to you!

♪

That wine was delicious.

Thank you.

♪ Ba-dum ♪

♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

Where's that music
coming from?

-Shh!
-And now to try

this delicious French bread!

♪ Look down ♪

♪ There's nothing
on your plate ♪

♪ Look down ♪

♪ You're looking
quite irate ♪

♪

♪ Bring me the conjurer
Impresario ♪

♪ You are a thief
and now to jail you go ♪

Do you confess?

♪ I took a loaf of bread ♪

Yes!

♪ Which carries with it
a stiff penalty ♪

♪ A public shaming
and apology ♪

♪ Dude, it's just
a loaf of bread ♪

Why is everyone singing
but us?

The wine!

Mademoiselle Hunchback
was in the loo

and she was hungry.

I was hungry too

but I was saving
my bread for soup.

♪ Man, this is France ♪

♪ If you want more bread,

I'm sure they would
give it to you ♪

♪ I didn't want
more bread ♪

♪ I wanted the bread
that was given to me ♪

You hear me, punk?

My name's Impresario.

♪ And I am Le Parfait ♪

-Huh?
-It is my name in French!

"Parfait" means "perfect."

It's a dessert.

♪ I-M-P-R-E-S-I-O ♪

Who's Impresio?

Take him away!

You're not taking
my baby to French jail!

♪

Concierge, Tim?

I know you're confused
but don't be

because, you see,
I have figured it out.

-Someone put a--
-Mind control agent in the wine.

Oh, don't let me do
the ramp and not the jump.

♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪♪

So, everyone thinks
they're in a musical?

Oh Lord.

My worst nightmare.

There better be
a ... intermission.

♪

♪ Our B&B is on this street ♪

♪ At least according
to my map ♪

♪ I hope you know
where you are going ♪

♪ I'm tired, let me
take a look at that ♪

You drank the wine, Prock,
why aren't you affected?

I'm immune
to mind control.

Have you tried talking
to Hotwire?

Yeah, she just keeps
singing longingly about

how this trip isn't
as romantic as she hoped.

It's, uh...
it's a real bummer.

-So what do we do?
-Let's get the team

checked into the hotel where
they're out of harm's way

and then the three of us
can get to work.

We're here!

You have got to be joking.

♪ Welcome, Awesomes,
to our hotel ♪

♪ Need anything,
just ring this bell ♪

(bell dinging)

♪ As for your rooms,

check out the beds ♪

♪ No mattresses,
it's pigeons instead ♪

♪ Need your laundry pressed

or a wake up call ♪

♪ Don't feel like a pest ♪

♪ I'll handle it all ♪

Hey, look!

♪ Squatters in the house ♪

♪ They can be our friends ♪

♪ Y'all can come on back
when our vacation ends ♪

♪ They seem really nice ♪

♪ What a fun surprise ♪

♪ Always good to get in
with some local guys ♪

♪ I don't think those
guys are happy ♪

♪ Think they're looking
for a fight ♪

♪ I'm feeling pretty crappy ♪

♪ Where they gonna
sleep tonight? ♪

Oh, they're fine.

♪ Awesomes in the house ♪

♪ Heroes on vacation ♪♪

All right, I'm gonna
check in with Hotwire

and then track down
Impresario.

I need to find him
before Perfect Man does.

And you two need to find
out who is behind this.

Got it, I will do anything

to put a stop to all
this singing and dancing.

Except sing or dance.

Here we go,
this map should tell us

where the French headquarters
of the Euro-Awesomes is.

They should have
a database of everyone

who hates the French.

Isn't that
pretty much everyone?

No duh, which is why

it might be hard
to narrow down.

Hey Hotwire,
I'm just going to...

♪ When girls imagine
trips to France ♪

-...head out for a quick...
-♪ They think of walks

along the river ♪

...look for Impresario.

♪ Museums, restaurants,

romantic plans ♪

Back soon,
thanks for understanding.

♪ Things that my boyfriend
can't deliver ♪♪

♪

♪ Somewhere

out in this city

Impresario's hiding ♪

♪ He stole my bread ♪

♪ I'll bet it was delicious ♪

♪ A crispy crust outside ♪

♪ And inside so warm ♪

♪ Yes, inside so warm ♪

♪ And if you think
that you can elude me,

my friend, you're wrong ♪

♪ And so, you can run

and you can scurry,

like the mouse
from last season ♪

♪ Bread theft in France
is tantamount

to treason ♪

♪ How dare you betray

Monsieur Le Parfait ♪

♪ Just look at my hat ♪

♪ Oh no, it got
torn somehow ♪

♪ I'll get this fixed ♪

♪ Then I'm coming for you ♪

♪ Or the other way around ♪♪

Hey, uh, can we
get a picture?

No!

♪ We don't know who he is,

but he knows about fashion ♪

♪ And fashion is everything
when you are French ♪

♪ With some lace
and some silk

and just a hint
of elastic ♪

♪ He seems to have a way
to make people say...

"You look freakin'
fantastic." ♪

♪ Could you stop
for a minute,

you making me dizzy ♪

♪ I'm trying to work here
and finish this job ♪

♪ Well, I have
a job to do too ♪

♪ I spin over you ♪

♪ Deal with it,
you blob ♪

♪

♪ Stop this fight
at once, Lauran ♪

♪ Tell me what is going on ♪

♪ This is a factory
and a circus ♪

Impresario, there you are.

Wait a minute,
when did you have time

to buy a textile factory?

♪ How did you find me? ♪

There's a huge neon sign
on top of the building

that says "Impresario."

But seriously, how long
have you owned this place?

I saw you
like a day ago.

You did not mention
owning a factory.

How many people work here?

This is like
a giant operation.

♪ My prize possession,

it got snared ♪

♪ I came to have
my hat repaired ♪

♪ But now I have
another purpose ♪

♪ My dear friend
Impresario ♪

♪ I think you know
it's time to go ♪

♪ You were so wrong to flee ♪

♪ And now you'll
come with me ♪

♪ To be shamed
publicly ♪♪

I don't know what the hell
is going on right now.

-That was close.
-What?

You can't let Lauran suffer

just because Perfect Man
thinks he's you.

You have to turn
yourself in.

♪ Turn myself in ♪

♪ But what of everything
that I've been working for ♪

♪ Is it my responsibility
to shirk no more? ♪

♪ My fashion show's
a day away ♪

♪ I'm sure Lauran
will be okay ♪

♪ Turn myself in

and spend who knows how long
inside a prison cell ♪

♪ What if my cellmate
wants to play

some kiss and tell? ♪

♪ I should stay here
where I belong ♪

♪ Yet sweet Lauran
did nothing wrong ♪

♪ But nor did I ♪

♪ A mere baguette ♪

♪ No other man
should pay my debt ♪

♪ I'll take his place ♪

♪

♪ After the show ♪

♪ I'm Impresario ♪♪

♪

Where is everybody?

Probably smoking
or on strike

or some other nonsense.

-Hello?
-Bienvenue.

-Who said that?
-I did.

-Where are you?
-Behind the desk.

We're looking
behind the desk.

(sighs)

Hello,
I am Luxembourg.

Where is everyone?

The Euro-Awesomes take
the month of August off

to rest and spend time
with family.

That's ridiculously predictable.

I'm Concierge
and that's Tim.

We're with the Awesomes,
the real ones.

The ones who don't
take vacations.

What brings you
to Paris?

We have a friend
who was being honored.

Sounds like a
vacation to me.

-Ha-ha-ha.
-Touché.

Trust me,
this has been no vacation.

We're wondering if you could
give us a little help.

It's the only kind
of help I can give.

Little.

Little help,
'cause I'm small?

It's a joke.

Uh...
how can I help you?

We're looking for a database
of European villains

who have something
against the French.

-Grab the phonebook.
-Is that a joke?

No, the database
is too high for me.

I need the phonebook
to reach it.

You think that's him,
what's his name?

The Belgian Waffler.

For years,
he's been threatening

to make the French pay
for making Belgians

the butt of all their jokes.

-Such as?
-Did you hear about

the helicopter that crashed
in a Belgian cemetery?

-No.
-The rescue teams

have found over
260 dead people.

Why wasn't Jesus
born in Belgium?

-Why?
-God couldn't find

three wise men.

Have you ever tried
Belgian kissing?

-Uh, no.
-It's like French kissing

but more "phlegmish."

We get it, and why hasn't
this Belgian Waffler

actually done anything?

He's a waffler.

So, what made him act now?

Yes, Waffler,
the blue is nice.

I'm sure the grey
is nice too, I--

I think either's fine,
it's just a duvet cover.

Damn it, it doesn't matter!

Sorry I lost my temper,
Waffler.

I do appreciate you

keeping my team
busy in Paris.

Okay, okay, great.

Thanks again, bye now.

Nope, nope, please do not
send me paint samples.

I really have no time.

(groans)

(crowd commotion)

♪ Frantic, wake up ♪

♪ What's all the fuss? ♪

♪ Those squatters
do not care for us ♪

♪ They say we're
here illegally ♪

♪ They want us gone ♪

♪ What do I care? ♪

♪ These frogs can
kiss my derrière ♪

♪ Those Vichy fools
don't make the rules ♪

♪ We cannot leave
'til Perfect Man

is appeased ♪

♪ Impresario cleared,
and then sure,

we all can leave ♪

♪ Don't they know
the French

are also to blame ♪

♪ Perfect Man gets a hat,

he naturally goes insane ♪

♪ You cannot
celebrate a man

who is so vain ♪

♪

♪ We'll stay until
this mess is clear ♪

♪ Go back ♪

♪ We do not want you here ♪

♪ Stay, we have things
to do first ♪

♪ Go back ♪

♪ You people are the worst ♪♪

Oh, it's three o'clock,
quitting time.

See you tomorrow, garçons.

♪

♪ Paris, France,

is supposed to be romantic ♪

♪ But instead,

typical Awesomes antics ♪

♪ My boyfriend can't see
what I am needing ♪

♪ I wanna spend
some time with him

but he's too busy leaving ♪

So, good news,
I found Impresario

and he's gonna
turn himself in.

♪ Listen, Prock ♪

♪ I feel like
second place ♪

I guess I have to sing
for you to understand me.

♪ Not at all ♪

Oh boy.

♪ Look at my face ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ And when we get back home,

we can do something
all alone ♪

That was pretty good.

-♪ No Awesomes? ♪
-♪ No Awesomes ♪

♪ You know I'd
really like that ♪

-We'll do it.
-♪ And be together,

one-on-one together,
we'll get through it ♪

♪

♪ You promise? ♪

♪ It's settled ♪

♪ We'll do something
all alone ♪♪

Whoo!

♪

As soon as this is over
you have to turn yourself in.

Concierge and Tim are
working on finding a cure.

Hopefully we can stall
Perfect Man until he metes out

whatever punishment
he has in mind for you.

Sounds good!

♪

♪ Impresario, you sneak ♪

♪ You're out here
walking free ♪

♪ The man in jail ♪

♪ Not me, obviously ♪

♪ Before you take
me away, P-Man,

give me a chance
to see my fans ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ A moment with the press ♪

♪ The press can see you
in the public square ♪

♪ A public shaming
in your underwear ♪

♪ Wait ♪

♪ That's all
you want to do? ♪

Let me get this straight,
you've been hunting Impresario

just to make him take
his pants off in public?

♪ They will all laugh

and I'll laugh too ♪

♪ Everyone will laugh ♪

♪ We'll all laugh at you ♪

♪ And then I think that
we can call it quits ♪

♪ Man, you're messed up,

but all right ♪

♪

♪ I guess I'm
down with it ♪

♪ Three o'clock,

on the square ♪

♪ I hope that you will
all be there

to shame I-M-P-P-R-E-- ♪♪

Missed it again, bro.

Are you sure the database
said the Waffler

is in the Notre Dame Cathedral?

Data don't lie.

Can--cannot.

Can--

Trying--
cannot go--hey!

I'm sorry,
I just can't.

Isn't the top
of Notre Dame Cathedral

the home of--
Mademoiselle Hunchback?

-Bonjour!
-We're looking for

the Belgian Waffler.

Hm, that name
doesn't ring a--

(bell tolls)

-Hello!
-Oh...

I thought you were
with Impresario.

Is anybody really
with anybody?

Besides, I want
to make him jealous.

I liking the sex.

Anyway, now I am bored.

I need chocolate.

Close the door
on your way out, okay?

Bye.

Bye-bye, lady person.

Waffler, did you do something
to make everyone sing

all the time?

(chuckling)

Yes, it funny, right?

Sing a song,
do-de-do!

Take that,
lazy Frenchums.

Frenchums always
make fun of Belgians.

Maybe time for it
other way around.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello, where?

The town square?

Great, what if we could
get French men

to wear women's underwear?

Ha-ha, that I like,

but don't know how
you make it true.

Come with us,
this musical is a flop

and we're closing
this bitch down.

(crowd chattering)

♪ Kick back
and light a cigarette ♪

♪ This man's about
to pay his debt ♪

♪ For the thoughtless,
heinous crime

of sneaking off
with my baguette ♪

♪ I'm sure that
everyone agrees

we cannot have
people like these ♪

♪ I will shame him with
his pants below his knees ♪

(crowd gasps)

♪ Are you seeing
what I see? ♪

♪ Are those underpants
for real? ♪

♪ Ladies underwear
for men ♪

♪ Just imagine
how they feel ♪

♪ They feel really good ♪

♪ If you want some
I'll give you a deal ♪

♪ Ladies underwear
for men ♪

♪ It's like being
in the buff ♪

♪ It's so silky and so soft

and it still holds
onto your stuff ♪

♪ And to honor
such a man,

there's just
one thing for that ♪

♪ Impresario shall have
this enormous hat ♪♪

Silly Frenchums!

Will you make them stop?

I don't know.

We had a deal!

No more singing!

Okay, fine.

I stop the singing.

♪ I'm alone
and I'm a joke ♪

♪ My plan turned
on its heels ♪

♪ They took
my hat from me ♪

♪ No one knows
how bad that feels ♪

♪ So goodbye now,
Paris, France ♪

♪ Impresario's your guy ♪

♪ I will jump down
to my death ♪

♪ Did you forget
that you can fly? ♪♪

Drink this, it
lets you stop singing.

That's a relief.

Uck, that thing was heavy.

And pretty stinky,
these people stink.

-Can we go home now?
-I don't know.

-Are we cool?
-I don't know about you,

but I'm pretty cool.

Come on, let's go.

♪

She slept with
the Belgian dude?

Sorry, we had to tell you.

She said it would
make you jealous.

Well, it worked!

Whatever you wanna do.

I don't need anything
that fancy.

Maybe just go see a movie?

Great, we will
do it tonight.

(loud explosion)

Uh-oh, we may need
a rain check.

♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't
let me touch you ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't even dance ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ How am I supposed
to know that you're high

if you won't
even dance ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't
even dance ♪♪

♪