The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 9 - Day of Awesomes, Part 1 - full transcript

MALOCCHIO JR.:
Ah...

Looks pretty good.

You mean his throat
is healed?

Good as new. I know you use
your voice professionally.

Yes, for evil.
Oh. I thought you meant

you were a singer or something.
( laughing )

( dramatic theme playing )

( shrieks )

You want us to bill this
to your insurance?

Yeah, sorry about that.

Whoops. I forgot
to pay the premium.



Mom!

( marching band playing )

ANNOUNCER:
It's a beautiful day
for the Day of Awesomes parade.

And here they come now:
Mr. Awesome, Muscle Man,

Gadget Gal, the whole gang.

The people who protect us,

as we come together and
celebrate our greatest heroes.

That's my boy.
That's my boy.

Ow! My arm.

Wow.
Ooh!
Nice.

Too much booty on there.
Do I get a balloon?

No.
Why not?

Because you're a fugitive,
and you're crazy.

That's ridiculous.
If I was crazy,



would I be best friends
with a basketball?

PROCK:
I can't believe they're actually
having a Day of Awesomes.

Why wouldn't they?
We're the Awesomes.

I know, but no one
ever thought of us

as the real Awesomes.
That was my dad's team.

But now
they actually accept us.

After months
of just being a joke,

we're finally the real thing,
America's superhero team.

And I'm the leader.

I'm the leader
of America's superhero team,

and I'm dating
the girl of my dreams.

It's like everything's
finally working out for me.

( laser gunshots )
( grunting )

( dramatic theme playing )

( yells )

( laughing )

That's my balloon?
Who designed these?

Pablo.
Ha!

Except for the Santa one.

We stole that
from the Macy's parade.

I miss my legs.

( The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing )

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

( dramatic theme plays )

( slurps )

( soft music playing )

( laughs ):
You are wonderful.

How can Hotwire
just move on like this?

Doesn't she know we were meant
to be together forever?

But I thought you didn't want
things to get serious.

I did not say that.
She's my soulmate.

Then why are all those pictures
tagged "not a soulmate?"

Okay, fine. I didn't
appreciate what I had,

but now I realize
how much she means to me.

You've got to help me.
How can I get Hotwire back?

Um, Prock's my best friend.

Right. So you know all
his weaknesses.

You mean his bones?
Break all his bones. Good call.

That's not what I said.
You had a great idea.

No need to be modest.
Look, Perfect Man,

I know this is hard,
but you have to move on.

Why don't you let me
take you out tonight?

I'll introduce you to some girls
that'll make you forget

all about Hotwire.
Mm, all right.

I'll give it a try.

You're a true friend,
Muscleman.

( disco music playing )

Good evening, ladies.

Ew, get away from me.
( music slows to a stop )

This would be easier
if you were allowed to leave

Awesome Mountain.
And I'm not a lady.

Sorry.
Good evening, women.

That's actually better.
I feel more respected.

CONCIERGE:
We need the show to end at 3.
The parade will start back here.

We should probably cancel
the Hotwire tribute

since she's not actually dead.

But I spent so much time
on that.

Hey, what's
the guest list situation?

Mademoiselle Hunchback
is coming tomorrow,

and I'd love to have her
come for the show.

Sure, of course.
And I have 5000 plus ones.

Frantic, the guest list is
for close friends and family.

But I promised anyone
who tweeted hashtag "frantic"

would get
a free backstage pass.

Wait, Mademoiselle Hunchback
is coming out here?

That's right,
the visiting girlfriend.

After weeks of
frustrated Skyping,

we'll have four days
of uninterrupted passion,

and then she goes home

just before things
get real and complicated.

Nothing better.

( dramatic theme plays )

Now let's talk about
the best present of all.

In 6 to 8 weeks,
my throat will be healed,

and I will have
regained my powers.

And best of all,
I've come up with a new plan

even more terrible
and devastating

than anything
I've thought of yet.

( laughing )

That's not great.

Look, Prock, it's good
that we're on top of this,

but I wouldn't worry
too much.

I mean, on any given day
every bad guy in the world

has like a hundred
evil plans.

Giuseppe may think
he's a criminal mastermind,

but to me, he'll just always be
my goofy older brother.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( marching band playing )

( crowd cheering )

Hey, that's my dad!

That's my dad! Hey, hey!

Why won't dad let us
on the float with him?

Oh, he just wants us to be
back here, because it's closer

to the booth where they sell
ice cream sundaes.

Come on, let's go.

MALOCCHIO JR.:
I love my sister
more than anything.

It's too bad
that she will have to die.

( all panting )

Why do I have to do this?
I don't have a body.

Shut up, Santa.

( dramatic theme plays )

Oh, I hate America.

Oh, I love it
when you hate things.

Muscleman, you were right.

I just needed to move on
and get myself out there.

And thanks to you,
I found someone.

She's pretty.

Hey, you guys wanna go
on a double date?

Are we that couple?

Is Perfect Man trying
to make me jealous?

Because it's working.

You'll always be
someone important to me,

but you need to accept
that I've moved on.

I'm with Spaldetta now.

We need to get you
some professional help.

We could use
a good couples counselor.

Spaldetta's been really
passive-aggressive lately.

If something is bothering you,
then tell me.

Don't just say "I'm fine."

Not sure this dinner
with your mother

is a good idea with
Malocchio Jr. out there.

Prock, my mom may enable
my brother,

but she would never let him
do anything that would hurt us.

You have nothing
to worry about.

I can't wait to meet
Catherine's new boyfriend.

What's his name? Pork?
Um, Prock, I believe.

You know, he's the one
who convinced me to turn evil.

Well, he sounds great.

Can you try
my peanut butter lemon pudding?

I can't eat it because
I'm allergic to pudding.

Sure, Mom. Yes, Catherine's
boyfriend sounds very nice.

I'm sorry
I can't be there tonight.

Can you believe
she's not dead anymore?

I know. I'm so happy.

First I have two kids,
then one, then two again.

How can I keep track?
It's just--

It's like
we're a real family again.

Yes, a real family.

How's the pudding?

Delicious.
I think Prock is gonna love it.

So when is your boyfriend
getting here,

and who is this
weird-looking troll?

Um, actually,
this is my boyfriend.

Oh. Nice to meet you, Pork.

It's...great
to meet you, too.

Pork.
Is that Jewish?

CONCIERGE:
Okay. If Gadget Gal
goes on after Frantic,

we're still two minutes over
in the second act.

How are we doing
on those fireworks permits?

Thank you
for that helpful shrug.

( phone rings )
Yeah.

What do you mean Imagine Dragons
dropped out?

Can we get Drake's agent
on the phone?

So, what are we
doing tonight?

Well, I'm gonna
eat these pizza rolls

and watch
the Chelsea Lately marathon.

What?

Well, what am I
supposed to do, huh?

Sit here, watch you eat
pizza rolls?

That's my plan for the night.
Come on.

Dip it. Dip it... Yes!

I came thousands of miles
to be with you.

Ugh. What do you
wanna do tonight?

I'm guessing it involves
spending money.

And then he was telling me
about this girl Hotwire,

and I was stuck in
this metal suit being like,

"Um, yeah, she sounds
really, really great."

Ha, ha, ha.
I kind of miss Metal Fella.

He was a cool guy.

( laughter )

That is a delightful story.

Wait, I remember you.

You're Mr. Awesome's son.
Yeah.

We used to see Mr. Awesome
all the time,

like at that father-son picnic
where he brought Perfect Man.

Oh, yeah, I must have been
sick or something,

so I couldn't go that year,
or any of the years ever.

That was before
my husband turned evil.

I don't see why they had
to stop being friends.

I'm still friends
with Elaine Miller

even though she hates
The Biggest Loser.

I never got
to thank you, Pork,

for being a mentor
to Malocchio Jr.

If it wasn't for you,
he would never have turned evil.

Oh, I don't know if
I'd call that being a mentor.

It was more like
a horrible, horrible mistake.

I'm so proud of him.
He's a real super villain.

Did you know he's gonna
blow up the Awesomes?

( dramatic theme plays )

Um, Lady Malocchio,
do you happen to know

where your son Giuseppe
is right now?

Sure.
He's at his secret lair.

2121 8th Avenue,
Suite 203A.

Do you want me
to print you a map?

Oh, no, that's okay.
We'll use our phones.

What about the pudding?

( romantic music playing )

This is fancy.

Normally there's
an eight-month wait,

but since you're on The Awesomes
we wanted to get you right in,

to thank you
for keeping us safe.

Does keeping you safe
get me any kind of discount?

No. Also, those are
small plates,

so you have to order
like ten of them.

More wine, please.

( dramatic theme playing )

( foot kicks door )

Eggnog?

( rattling )

Jaclyn?
( growls )

( yells )

( both grunting )

( suspenseful theme playing )

( growls )

( brakes screech )

All right, your plan
to make me jealous worked.

You can have me.

GG, I like you a lot,
as a friend.

But I'm with Spaldetta now.

Well, if you ever want
a real woman, call me.

Oh, Spaldetta's
a real woman, all right.

All curves.
Because she's a ball.

This guy knows
what I'm talking about.

I don't understand
what's going on.

Why would Jaclyn be
at Malocchio Jr.'s lair?

She didn't seem to be working
in a professional capacity.

Something about how she tried
to tear my eyes out.

Maybe she and my brother
are together?

Well, Giuseppe wanted
to be like you,

to have what you have.
You were dating Jaclyn,

so it makes sense
that he would go after her.

And maybe she'd agree
to be with him too,

to make you jealous.
That's insane.

Are you jealous?
Uh, no.

Hey, how was dinner
with Hotwire's mom?

Ooh, meeting the parents,
that's always stressful.

I can give you some tips
from when I was with Hotwire.

Hotwire's dad
didn't like me at first,

but then I helped him
take over the world.

Hm.
Try something like that.

Or saying the mom looks young.
Those are my two tricks.

We have to cancel
the Day of Awesomes.

It's too dangerous. Something
crazy is going on right now

and I don't know what it is,
but we can't take that risk.

You cannot be serious.

Listen, it's just--
Have you ever tried booking

hotel rooms
for 500 backup dancers?

Driven all over town
to get seven white doves

and some gluten-free muffins

for an overrated celebrity's
dressing room?

Do you know what kind
of non-refundable deposit

you have to put down
on a stadium?

I planned out every single
detail of this thing,

and it's perfect,
and you will not cancel it.

Ah, don't touch me!
Should I not have asked

for the doves and muffins?

I thought that was a standard
dressing room request.

( brakes screech )
They're still alive.

( paper crinkles )

( sniffs ):
Oh, doesn't matter.

Soon enough,
all the Awesomes will fall.

And then, with the only people
who can stop me

out of the way, I can finally
move on to my real plan.

( cackles )

We should probably
get going.

I don't want to miss
Imagine Dragons.

Oh, you didn't hear?

You're kidding me.
Ha!

( upbeat theme plays )

( camera clicks )

You think Prock's right?
That we're in danger?

I don't know, but
I'm not taking any chances.

I got a decoy.
I'm Muskle-man.

( walkie-talkie chatter )

Does it seem like there are
a lot of apes here?

Oh, they didn't tell you?

We outsourced security
to Apesylvania.

( dramatic theme playing )

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to
the Day of Awesomes!

Impresario!

( crowd cheering )

Concierge!

Prock!

( music, cheering stop )

( dramatic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

ANNOUNCER:
And Muscleman!

( crowd cheering )

( dance music playing )

Y'all ready to dance?

How come the Awesomes
never come when I need help?

( laughter )
( walkie-talkie chatter )

( dramatic theme playing )

I want a T-shirt.

We have whole boxes of those
back at Awesome Mountain.

I want a T-shirt.

( groans )

Impresario,
you're on next.

( playing "When the Saints
Go Marching In" )

I just have a really bad
feeling about this.

Well, maybe you're just
so used to things

not working out that when
something does go well,

you have to find
something wrong with it.

Wow. That actually
makes a lot of sense.

Do you know when I get paid?
Or if I get paid?

It is so great
to meet you, Mrs. Spalding.

I really enjoy spending time
with your daughter.

( crowd booing )

I don't understand.

That bit worked so well
at the 1955 Day of Awesomes.

How's it going?
Good.

I think this might be
the best Day of Awesomes ever.

I mean, except for
the Gadget Gal fiasco.

Yeah. You know what? Maybe
Muscleman's decoy is right.

Maybe I am making up stuff
to worry about.

I should just let myself be
happy. I deserve it.

You absolutely do.

I'm proud of you, and how far
you've led this team.

You ready
to close this thing out?

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

Prock and soul sensation
Placynthia Meeks!

♪ Being here
With you today ♪

BOTH:
♪ Puts a smile on my face ♪

♪ And makes me say ♪

This was supposed to be
an amazing week of sex

and connecting with a beautiful
woman, but it's terrible.

She doesn't know
anyone else here,

so I'm responsible for
every second of her trip.

Why don't you get a decoy
to hang out with her?

Where am I gonna find
someone who looks like me?

How about that guy,
over there?

BOTH:
♪ 'Cause the sun never sets ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

( crowd cheering )

BOTH:
♪ 'Cause the sun never sets ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

My dead Hotwire tribute
would have been so much better.

Ha. Maybe you'll get to do
that tribute after all. Ha, ha.

Excuse me? Do I know you
from somewhere?

Um...

( gasps )

Are you the monkey
from Friends ?

( crowd cheering )

( dramatic theme playing )

That's it.

When you said your brother
wanted everything I have,

you were right, but it wasn't
my girl he wanted,

he wanted my team. He's
building a team of villains.

An evil version
of The Awesomes.

( crowd cheering )

Come on!

( suspenseful theme playing )

( beeping )

Everyone, get off the float!

( dramatic theme playing )

I really want
one of those T-shirts.

( soft music playing )

It's okay, Prock.
I forgive you.

( screaming )
Ow! Ow!

Thanks, Muscleman.
Sorry it took me so long.

That T-shirt salesman
is really slow

at counting out change.

( shrieking )

( grunts )

MUSCLEMAN:
My sister says hi.

( groans )

Ah, it's Santa!

He's alive, yay!

( yells )

( crowd screaming )
WOMAN: Watch out!

( grunts )

Ow!
( grunting )

Why do you get to be
in charge of everything?

Oh, my God, Frantic, can you
imagine if we used your ideas?

It would've been a disaster.
And this isn't a disaster?

Obviously I'm not talking
about the attack,

which I had nothing
to do with!

Oh, yeah?
Well, this attack

is the least terrible part
of the whole show!

( screams )

( dramatic theme playing )

Keep them busy!

Don't hurt my baby!

You don't hurt my baby!

Come on, come on...

I thought you said
you could get us in.

It's not working!

Hold on.
I know Prock's password.

"Jaclyncutie44?"

Ha!
That is terrible.

Bummer.
He already changed it?

Try pressing
"Forgot password."

Oh, now we have to do
the security question.

Anyone know the street
Prock grew up on?

Here, let me try something.

COMPUTER:
Welcome, Muscleman.

( dramatic theme playing )

( grunting )

Oof.

That was easy.

( explosions )

This whole fight must have
just been a distraction.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( cow moos )

Sometimes there's nothing
better than ordering takeout

and watching Hulu Plus
with the woman I love.

How long is your mother
staying with us?

( suspenseful theme playing )

Damn it.
Forgot my password.

Hey, Prock,
what street did I grow up on?

Here, just let me do it.

CONCIERGE:
You're the worst.

( door opens )

Oh, now I remember
my password.

( laughing )

( sighs )

Thanks for letting us use
the Awesome Mountain portalizer.

What's going on here?
When we get back you will die,

along with every other
living creature on the planet!

Now!

( suspenseful theme playing )

( grunting )

( yells )

Oh, I think
I broke the universe.

Guys, we have to stop them!

Oh. Right.

( triumphant theme playing )

( all yelling )

Oh, he did not
just leave me here alone.

I don't even know
the Wi-Fi password.

( all yelling )

( The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing )

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪