The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 8 - Euro-Awesomes - full transcript

Hey, Dad,
look at my science project.

It's a molecular
assembler.

Wow, that is something.

It can create
any everyday object,

as long as you enter
the proper specifications

of height,
weight, mass--

Perfect Man,
I made you this trophy.

Aw, thanks, Mr. A!

Well, you deserve it,
you're the best kid ever.

PROCK:
Why isn't my dad proud
of me, Dr. Terfenpeltz?

( slurps )



People like your father

don't understand
people like us, Jeremy.

Our powers reside
between our ears.

Look at me:
old, skinny, weak.

But I am
the chief scientist

to the greatest team
of super heroes on the Earth.

You'll see,
my young friend.

You and that
massive intellect of yours

will accomplish
great things.

What about girls?

Oh, you're screwed
until college.

But college,
ha-ha-ha!

All those smart girls?
You're going to kill it.

( slurps )



MUSCLEMAN:
Hey, remember in college

when none of the smart girls
would sleep with you?

Why are
we going here again?

Yeah, just because
of a security breach?

What, are we,
a burglar alarm company now?

This is a very important
technology lab.

Dr. Terfenpeltz
works here.

The former chief scientist
for the Awesomes.

So that's how this works.

When your mentor's in trouble,
we drop everything.

But when
my gymnastics coach

( slurring words ):
needs money
for his Kickstarter,

you refused
to pay $40 for a hat.

It is not because
he's my mentor.

This lab contains
various dangerous materials--

Muscleman, watch out!
( all screaming )

( tires screeching then crash )

( slurring ):
You seem drunk.

You're the one who's drunk.

( slurring ):
We all seem drunk.

But none of us
drank anything.

Ah! Which can
only mean one person.

Ha-ha-ha!
Suck it, nerds!

Whiskey Dick!
What is he doing here?

Wait, wait, wait.
His name is Whiskey Dick?

Uh, yeah, his first name
is Richard,

but he goes by Dick,
and he has a power

to make people drunk, so...

( cackles )

Didn't we stop him?

We won't be able
to do that

until his powers
stop affecting us.

So what do we do
until they wear off?

Party!

Yeah!

( rock theme playing )

Yoo-hoo!

Melons for sale!
( horn honks )

( Prock cheers )

Oh, my God,
I am so wasted.

Whiskey Dick has been out
of range for five minutes.

We're all completely
sober now.
Oh.

CONCIERGE:
Wow, they look
really hungover.

Jeremy!
Dr. Terfenpeltz! Are you okay?

Whiskey Dick, he has stolen
a catalytic thermonizer.

It is an energy transference
device of immeasurable power.

In the wrong hands it could be
used as a devastating weapon,

or worse. Please,
you must get it back.

The fate of
the world depends on...

I'm unable
to say the last part. Ugh!

( The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing )

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

( monitors beeping )

Don't worry, Dr. T,
we'll do whatever it takes.

Unless it involves
paying $40 for a hat,

which apparently
is too much to ask.

I was able to track
Whiskey Dick's heat signature.

After leaving here,
he landed in Dusseldorf,

then transported to Madrid.

Oh, my God.
He's in Florida!

Well, technically
Germany and Spain.

What does this all mean?
It means

the Awesomes
are going to Europe.

( all cheer )

Shoes, baby!
Art, culture, fine dining.

It doesn't get
any better than Florida.

Guys! It's not a vacation.

Right, we have
to find the bad guy.

Thwarting evil.
Yeah,

gotta "revenge"
the almost dead German guy.

( suspenseful theme playing )

Don't meet any cute
French girls, okay?

Or I'll staple your ( beep )

to the top of the Eiffel Tower
and I'll push you off.

Just kidding, I know
I don't need to worry.

Ha-ha. Yeah, I would never
do something like that.

With two different girls.
On two separate occasions.

That's weirdly specific.

Ha-ha. I know, right?

Beep, beep, babies!
We got baggage to handle.

Whoa!
Do you need all that?

Are you kidding?
These are just bare necessities.

Shoes. Moisturizer.
Scarves.

Moisturizer
for my scarves.

There's nothing worse
than a dry scarf.

All right, guys, let's go!

( dramatic theme playing )

Attorney Jaclyn--

I've seen all this already.

( groans )

Spalding,
you're my only friend.

( suspenseful theme playing )

Good evening, Hotwire.

Hello, Paula.

I have completed
the diagnostic systems check.

And I have recharged the Metal
Fella cybernetic armor.

And...
And?

And have been
obsessively monitoring

the whereabouts
of the Awesomes.

Oh, wait.
I'm not obsessing. That's you.

I'm an artificially
intelligent computer.

I don't have to move on.
Or maybe start dating.

Or at least
put myself out there.

This is not about Prock.

I told you,
I need to find the Awesomes

so I can warn them
about my brother's plan.

It's important.

All right, then.

The Awesomes are
en route to Europe.

Then I guess I need
to be dressed for a trip.

( action theme playing )

No, a serious trip.

Oh.

Thank you.

You'll want the fanny pack.
Trust me.

Dress shirts,
winter clothes, sunglasses.

And that last trunk

is for the possible
European girlfriend.

The what?
European girlfriend.

Many a man has gone abroad
and has been smitten.

But the passion is brief.
Torrid.

Like the flame of a candle.

So your last trunk has...?

A ton of romance.

And also my toiletries. They
wouldn't fit in my other bags.

You didn't
bring anything?

I got super speed,
if I need something

I'll just run home,
get it, and run back.

You can run
across the ocean?

Hey, Prock,
can I borrow your toothpaste?

( screeching )

What is that?

Just protecting myself
from the alligators.

For the last time, Muscleman,
we're not in Florida!

Oh, right.
( crash then cat screeches )

Okay, we have a few hours
before we check into the hotel,

but remember,
this is not a vacation, so--

Guys? Guys?

( upbeat theme playing )

( all cheer )

Ah, I mean,
why do I even try?

PROCK:
According to my readings,

Whiskey Dick is either here
or was here very recently.

( suspenseful theme playing )

Do you think he's still here?

He might be,
I do feel a bit drunk.

That's because
you're drinking tequila shots.

When I'm on vacation,
I go all out.

Not a vacation.

( explosion )

He's here! Fan out!

( all grunting )

I can't see!
Me either!

But my other senses
are coming to life!

My sense of touch magnified
like 500 times.

( groans )

Magnified 500 times!

Stop! This is ridiculous. How
hard is it to turn a light on?

There's gotta be a switch
along here somewhere. Ah.

I really should not be
stopping time

to turn on a light.
Oh, here's a switch.

Start.

Ah! The Euro-Awesomes!

( groans )

How long
have they been gone for?

Spalding,
I asked you a question!

You hear that?
No, of course not.

I'm the only one here
with super hearing.

Basketballs
only have regular hearing.

It's not like
you're a volleyball.

( mouse squeaking )

MR. PERFECT:
Looks like we've
got ourselves an intruder.

And there's one thing that
Perfect Man cannot tolerate.

I will rid the mountain
of this pestilence!

( grunting )

( mouse squeaking )

( mouse squeaks )
Aah!

PROCK:
Everyone, these are
the Euro-Awesomes.

Because it full of krauts,
limeys and frogs.

So this is
the European versions of us?

Are you the Euro me?

I'll break your arms off

and beat you
like a ( bleep) drum.

That's exactly
what I would say!

The Euro-Awesomes aren't
actually affiliated with us.

When my dad founded the Awesomes
he forgot to secure

the international
naming rights.

It may not be official,
but we are honored

to share with you
a name and a mission.

May I introduce my team.

There's the Flying Dutchman.
Czech-mate.

Czech-mate, spelled C-Z-E-C-H,
like the republic.

NIGHTLIGHT:
Invisi-Pope. Hooligan.

Crotch Puncher.

And is that a play
on words or do you...?

Punch crotches. Yes.

Any animal can strike
an opponent in the face or body.

But it takes skill and elegance
to punch them in the crotch.

Every. Single. Time.

NIGHTLIGHT:
And Mademoiselle Hunchback.

Ooh, mercy,
that is one exotic flower.

With a hunchback.
A hunchback flower.

You like that?
I do.

And I am Nightlight,
the team leader.

Really? Me too!
Oh! Smashing.

But I pull a bit short
in the powers department.

Me too!
Oh, get a room.

Why can't I just
be friends with a girl?

Because
she's British.

And I will never forgive them
for taxing our tea!

I would surmise
that you are chasing

the infamous
Whiskey Dick as well?

Correct.
He robbed this facility

of its
catalytic thermonizer.

That means he now has
two in his possession.

Wow, Julie Andrews
can count.

Have we offended you
in some way, madam?

Yes, by surrendering
to Hitler.

( suspenseful theme playing )

MALOCCHIO JR.:
Ah yes, let them enjoy

their little diversion
in Europe.

Little do they know,
their real problems

are happening far,
far away from Madrid.

They're in Florida?

All right, so it's time
for our weekly meeting.

Do all of you have
your three evil ideas?

Pablo, you go first.

Uh, what if we replace

everyone's 2-percent milk
with 1-percent milk?

You little jerk,
that was my idea!

You looked at my notebook!
Whatever, Donkey Kong.

Okay, that's
not very evil.

"Burn down hospital"?
Hey, that was my idea too!

Can we focus, please?

I'm hungry.
Let's order Thai food.

Yeah, I thought there were
supposed to be refreshments.

There were supposed
to be refreshments.

But then someone
didn't do their one job.

( laughter on TV )

This is not working.
This is not working.

They're not motivated at all.
I need someone with passion,

someone filled with hate.
I need someone who will--

Hello, I'm attorney
Jaclyn Stone.

And if you hire me,
your enemies

will be my enemies.

And I will anything
and everything

in my power to make sure
that we wipe

our enemies
off the face of the earth!

Legally, of course.

( cackling )

NIGHTLIGHT:
This is where they keep

the one other thermonizer
in Europe.

This is the entire facility?
It's so small.

Mademoiselle,
I appear before you

as a man humbled
by your comeliness.

May I present tokens
of my affection?

A silk scarf.
Freshly moisturized chocolates.

And these Manolo Blahnik
sling backs.

You are vile and disgust me.

Oh, yeah. It's on.

Seems like
she hates you.

No, man,
she's just being European.

Hey, you like cheese, baby?

Yeah, I got a whole
suitcase full of cheese!

So that's what's
in the romance trunk?

No, that's what's
in the cheese trunk. Duh.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( alarm blares )
Stop. Cease movement.

Look out!
It's a robot security system!

( slurring words ):
Or I will be, um,

forced to shoot again.

Are those robots drunk?
Whiskey Dick!

Robots can get drunk?
And do ecstasy.

You should see some
of the robots I party with.

I'm going
to shoot again.

Eat it, Yanks!

Looks like you guys
could use a little help.

Hey, robot, help us
kill these humans.

You wanna do
some X later?

( alarm blaring )

( dramatic theme playing )

No! No! No! No!
No! No! No!

Prock!

( grunts )

SUIT:
System overload.
System overload.

( distorted ):
System overl...

Hotwire?

Oh, hey, guys,
what are you doing here?

Weird.

You're alive!
Hotwire, you're totally alive!

I never thought
I'd see you again.

And now you're here!
Alive!

And you're Metal Fella.
Oh. You're Metal Fella?

So we need to have
a conversation.

I know, I know.
I just...

I had betrayed you, and then
when you thought I was dead,

but I wasn't dead because-- Wow,
we have a lot to talk about.

Prock, not-dead Hotwire?
A little help?

Oh, right.
Oh, sorry!

I just thought
if I became Metal Fella,

I could prove myself
to you guys as a hero.

You know, a fresh start.

You didn't have
to prove yourself.

You're a hero.
A super hero.

No. I lied to all of you.

I had
to earn my way back.

You're the one
who's a super hero.

No, I'm not.
That's not true.

It is true. I always
tried to impress you,

but I was just doing
what I can with what I have.

Dr. Terfenpeltz
taught me that.

He was
the first one who...

Well, he believed in me.
No one else did.

Not my dad. No one.

Until I met you.

So how's Jaclyn?

Uh, yeah, Jaclyn!

Yeah, she's great.
Very good.

I'm so happy for you.

Yeah. No, I'm really,
really happy.

Oh, I miss that little guy.
I should call him.

( footsteps approaching )

( mysterious theme playing )

Aah! No-good ( bleep )!

I'm gonna ( bleep )
cut your ( bleep ) off!

Now I can just
sit back and wait.

Hey, maybe while I'm waiting,
I'll have some of that cheese.

MR. PERFECT:
Ow!

So you were dead,

and then
you came back to life?

Well, not actually.
Like a zombie!

And then Metal Fella
let you borrow his suit?

What?
No, I'm Metal Fella.

Oh, I thought
you were Hotwire.

So you got a sex change?
Wait, wait, wait.

This whole time
there was a woman

trapped inside
Metal Fella's body?

Well, yes, but not
in the way that you think.

Why don't I start over?

( in French accent ):
It looks like fate

has brought us together.

I would rather,
how you say,

eat glass
on a bed of nails

while making love
to porcupine

than be together
with you.

But these shoes,
they are not so terrible.

Oh, yeah! It's on!

I'm not seeing it.

You're not looking
in the right place.

I am. I'm looking
at that hunchback's butt.

Say, baby,
I've got a Chanel tea gown

that would kill on you!

Really bring out the hump!

Prock, listen, now that
you know my secret,

there is something really
important I need to tell you.

What is it?
It's about my brother--

( explosion )

What was that?

NIGHTLIGHT: Whiskey Dick?
( cell phone chimes )

Dudes, it wasn't me!
I mean, right, it was me,

but he made me do it!
By paying me!

Who? Who made you do what?
( cell phone chimes )

Hey, girl.
( rumbling )

JACLYN:
Aah! Goddamn it, you ( bleep )!

This is bad.
You're tellin' me.

Not that. That.

( all screaming )

Running from the enemy.
Typical Europeans.

You're mad now,
but we are

gonna be laughing
about this later.

( shouting and crashing
over phone )

( grunting )

( knocking on door )

I heard you may hate
the Awesomes as much as I do.

( screams )

Prock, are you okay?

She broke up with me.

Oh, wow. I'm so sorry.

Yeah...

So...

( sultry theme playing )

Guys, seriously!

We got a battle
going on here!

Sorry.
Right, right.

Did it just
copy my power?

It's a Replicator!

Oh, no. Not the--

( groaning )

( dramatic theme playing )

It can copy all
of our powers at once.

How is that even possible?

It's gonna keep taking more
powers until it's unstoppable.

And then it will take
every power in the world.

Everybody out!
Before it gets more powers!

So you do care!

Uh, I just might need
some more shoes, you pig!

Touch my baby you going from
the frying pan into the fire!

PROCK:
Dr. Terfenpeltz?

No. Not you.
It was you all along?

Yes. I needed the thermonizers
to build the suit,

and I needed you
to go after the thermonizers

to get you
all here in one place

and take
all your powers at once.

But what about our greatest
powers being between our ears?

It turns out,
the greatest power is...

Either flying or super strength,
I can't decide yet.

But being smart,
it's not even in the top ten.

Super speed
isn't so bad either.

Hold it
right there, Prock.

My sensors are telling me that
you've been keeping a secret.

A secret power, that is.

Me? What?

No. Come on.
That's crazy.

My God. Feel that.

BOTH:
Stop!

You can stop time?

And you never use it?

With that giant IQ, Prock,

you've still been
an idiot your whole life!

This is the best power
of them all!

You control time!

I'm going
to rule the world!

No, you're not.
Start.

Ha-ha-ha!
So much to do.

First, I'm going
to kill everyone

who was ever mean to me.

And then
the people who were nice,

but maybe like
a little too nice.

You know, those walking doormat
people. I hate those people.

Before that,
maybe I'll relax.

Just catch up on my email.
I mean, why not?

I have all the time
in the world.

( laughs )

Ow! That hurts!

( groaning )

Hmm.

What-- What happened?

( whispers ):
Hey, guess what.
After ten seconds,

stopping time hurts.

So his suit just
fell apart?

Yeah, I don't know.
Must be some kind of glitch.

Either way, we were lucky.
Are you okay?

I just never thought

Dr. Terfenpeltz
would let me down.

Well, if it
makes you feel better,

I promise to never
let you down again.

Uh, thank you
for saving me.

It was nothing.

We can make love three times,
but never speak again.

Four times
and one awkward phone call.

Deal.
Yeah, come on, girl.

( ominous theme playing )

And now my team is complete,

my plan, ready to set in motion.

( screaming )

So the serum
gave her super strength?

I didn't give her
any serum.

( cackling )

MR. PERFECT?
Where are you,
Mr. Squeakers?

Yes. I have named
our prey Mr. Squeakers.

Makes it personal.

( mouse squeaking )
Aah!

( suspenseful theme playing )

Spalding! Aah!

Spalding, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Spalding!

Spalding!

( sobbing )

Oh. Hey, guys.

Hotwire, you're alive.

We're still dating, right?
No.

Oh, good.
I don't know if I have time

for a relationship
right now.

I got a lot going on.

I hope it isn't weird that
we're living with my ex.

No, of course not.

Whoopsy.

You're not looking
at that, right?

Ugh. No, I do not
need to see that.

( grunting )
You need some help with that?

No, I got it.
Come on, let me help you.

I got it!
You sure?

Here, give it to me.
I can do it.

PROCK:
No. Go away.

I can open a bottle
of wine by myself.

Thank you,
Perfect Man.

You need help
with anything else?
No!

Do you want me
to put my towel back on?

Yes. Yes, I do.

MUSCLEMAN:
Ooh, cheese.

Oh, God!

Eh, forgot about that one.

( The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing )

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪