The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 7 - Secret Santa - full transcript

So how much do we wanna spend
on Secret Santas this year?

And please remember,
I can't leave the mountain,

so my gift will most likely be
forks from the kitchen.

I'm more of a spoon guy.
Don't get greedy.

Sorry, Perfect Man,
but Prock doesn't allow

Christmas activities
in the workplace.

Or even a tree.

Yes, because
it's a distraction.

We have important work
to do here.

Yeah,
when Prock was a kid,

his dad ruined
Christmas for him,



so now Prock has to ruin it
for everyone else.

What's going on in here?

I'm getting into
the Christmas spirit!

I added an extra big chimney
so Santa has easy access.

Look, Jeremy,

Santa is not someone
I want you to look up to.

As an Awesome, you need
to work for what you get.

You can't just rely on a fat guy
breaking into your home

to leave you gifts
and take your cookies.

But me and all my friends
love him.

And you know
what they'd love even more?

The truth.

Hey, guys, guess what!
Santa's not real!

( children shouting )



That is the saddest thing
I've ever heard.

Who doesn't like Santa?

Wait, I think
I was there that night.

( children yelling )

Ah, holiday memories.

So anyways, that's why
I hate Christmas.

We still get a 10-day
winter vacation, right?

If it were up to me, no.
But it's in the charter,

so unless there's an emergency,
I guess I have to let you go.

Yay for Christmas!

I for one, support you,
Prock,

for defending my faith

against the dominant
Christian culture.

It's nice to finally
see someone standing up

for my people's fight
against the Maccabees.

You're a Seleucid?
No. Jewish.

My grandfather
changed his name

to Muscleman
from Muscle Manheimer.

I think I knew
your grandfather...

You slept
with a shiksa?

You're banished
from our family!

Your grandfather
had a strong tongue.

Gross.
Strong other muscles too.

A penis is not a muscle.

It's not?
Okay, just tongue then.

( The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing )

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

So, what are your plans
for the holidays?

Oh, yeah,
I don't do the holidays.

That doesn't
sound like much fun.

It's actually more fun
than you think.

Everyone else goes away
and it's just me.

It's so peaceful.
Last year, I read

Don Henley's autobiography
at an empty Starbucks.

I think you might
change your mind

if you come home
with me to Albany.

My parents do
an amazing Christmas.

I'm sorry Jaclyn, I just--

Come on Prock, seriously?
What the ( bleep )?

Ah. It would
mean a lot to me

and our relationship.
Okay, fine.

But it's not because of
Christmas, it's because of us.

You're gonna have a great time.
I'll book a flight.

Ooh, maybe we could take
the Awesomes jet.

Uh, and use a business jet
for personal reasons?

God, you're so ethical.
I love it!

Okay, my 6 a.m. flight
is still available

and it's only gone up $200
since I bought it.

I know, 6 a.m.

But my dad likes to get
to the airport early,

so I always fly in
on the first flight.

Sure, that sounds great.

Oh, man! How did it go up $50
right as I clicked on it?

Don't stress.
My family's worth it.

I know.
I can't wait to meet them.

Hey, everyone,
just so you know,

I'm going to Albany
with Jaclyn for the holidays.

Sweet!
I'll start packing!

I've been dying
to meet Andrew Cuomo.

You're not invited.
It's just me.

I'm jealous.

Making love
in a childhood bedroom

is so wrong, but so right.

And this just in:
A string of robberies

at gun stores all along the
coast has authorities puzzled.

What?
Who are these children?

Why do they need these guns?
And where are their parents?

Put every weapon you have into
that bag and no one gets hurt.

( crash )
Put down your weapon!

Oh, no!
It's that sensitive robot!

Everyone, scram!
BOY: Let's get out of here!

You're safe now, ma'am.

Thank you, Super Robot.

Don't worry, babies. No one
will ever take me away from you.

Now let's go buy some toys.
KIDS: Yay!

BOY:
Love you, Mom!

( Hotwire giggles )
LADY MALOCCHIO: Oh, honey.

I love the egg pancake.

It's not a pancake,
it's a quiche.

Can you pass the syrup?
Not a pancake.

Is there a Christmas ham
or anything?

No.
The only ham we have

is in the mushroom pancake--
I mean, quiche!

Damn it. There's a braised ham
in the quiche.

Ugh. Why do all our meals
have to be so weird?

They're not weird.
They're sophisticated.

And the fact that you eat them
makes you smarter.

No, it makes me hungrier.
I want ham! I want ham!

Here, sis, I took out all
the ham from my quiche. Enjoy.

Aw, thanks, Giusepps.
Mm.

Now, who's ready
for quinoa ala mode,

with almond cocoa
kale butter and fig paste?

( sniffling )

( suspenseful theme playing )

And now the country is asking,
"Who will find these kids?"

We should
really do something.

But our vacation
starts tomorrow!

Yeah, isn't this something
the police should handle?

I don't want to work
on our holiday either.

Jaclyn will kill me
if I cancel.

But little kids don't just rob
a bunch of gun stores.

Clearly, they're being led
by some villain,

and it's our job
to find them.

Although, I guess
there's not much

we can do now that
we couldn't do after Christmas.

It's not like we have a map

of where the kids
are gonna next.

Hey, guys,

I found a map of where
these kids will strike next.

We have a door.

We should probably change
our flight, Prock.

Luckily,
my ticket's refundable.

But we leave tomorrow!

I know, but this is important
Awesomes business.

I don't have a choice.

My parents are gonna be
so ( bleep ) pissed!

( dials )

Hi, I'd like to change
my flight, and-- Oh.

Domestic.

Domestic!

Domestic!

Operator.

Oper-a-tor.

( groans )

Everything okay, Prock?
Not really.

I was supposed
to be spending the holiday

with Jaclyn's family--
But you broke up?

No, not at all.

In fact, our relationship
is really heating up.

But I need
to reschedule for work,

and now she's really mad,
the airline wants

to charge me
a $200 change fee--

No refundable ticket?
Who gets those?

I don't even fly commercial.
I have a rocket suit.

Wait, is there any chance
you could fly me?

You want me fly you
to her childhood home

so you can meet
her parents? What?

( sobbing )

I am sorry, Prock.
I just have been emotional,

because Christmas makes me
think about my brother,

and how much fun
we had together as kids.

But then he did
something really bad.

And I want to see him
this holiday,

but I don't think I can.

Listen, I don't know
what your brother did,

but he's
still your brother,

and this is
the season of forgiveness.

Personally, I hate
everything about Christmas,

but I do know that nothing
is more important than family.

Or at least that's
why Jaclyn thinks

I should pay $1400
to fly 300 miles.

You're right. Thanks, Prock.
Hey, Metal Fella,

I've been craving
some wings.

Do you mind flying me
over to Buffalo real quick?

Yeah, no problem.

( glass shatters )
We have a door!

Any progress?

I've been
putting together a list

of possible villains
who could be behind this.

These blinking lights
are villains

most likely to work
with children.

For example: The Ump.

The Umpire has used kids
in the past

to embezzle
little league money.

But when I cross reference
these villains

with the villains
not on vacation

for the Christmas holiday,
no one is available.

PERFECT MAN:
But you know who is available?

Our new six-foot tall
Santa statue.

( smooching )

Get that monster
out of my house!

Hey, man, I get that
you feel oppressed,

but don't blame it
on Santa.

He's not the bad guy.

( ominous theme playing )

We brought you
more weapons, sir.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

( festive music
playing over speakers )

( chuckles )
( music stops )

No Christmas trees
in the satellite!

Okay, fine. But as
long as we do presents.

What do you want this year?

I don't know
if I really need anything.

But what do you want

in your deepest,
darkest fantasy?

Amazon gift card.

PROCK:
Okay, according to this map,

these kids are going to rob
Fish and Tackle tonight.

Tim, since you're a kid,
you can infiltrate the gang,

and find out
who their leader is.

I'm 11.
I'm not a little kid.

But you're Asian.
That makes you look younger.

Okay, that's racist.
Hey, everyone knows the saying:

Black don't crack, white is
tight and Asians look younger.

I've never heard
the last one before.

Or the second one.

Well, it's usually
"White is terrible,"

but I didn't want
to offend you guys.

( suspenseful theme playing )

Tim, to help disguise yourself,
use a British accent.

That's
a terrible idea.

( in British accent ):
That's a jolly good idea,
and you knows it.

( suspenseful theme playing )

Everyone, hide!
Tim, good luck.

Heh-heh-heh.
( alarm ringing )

Move fast!
We have three minutes!

Hey guys, I think what you're
doing is really cool.

Can I help you?

Sorry, you're a little
too old for our gang.

What? I'm, like, 6.
How about that kid?

BOY:
Yeah, he's definitely
younger than 8

based on how small
and weak his body looks.

Hey, kid,
come here!

Um, me?
Yeah. Wanna join our army?

That sounds like fun.

Should've been me.
Black don't crack.

( rock music
playing over speakers )

PROCK:
Ha-ha-ha! Yes!

Ha-ha! That's how you do it.
( bell rings )

Wow, you're
so smart and so good

at skee-ball for a 6-year-old.
Thanks.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Oh, no plans, really. Why?

I want to take you
to our leader.

Oh, cool. Is there
any way we can go tonight?

No way.
It's too far.

Domestic.

Domestic!

Operator! Operator!

Chumbawamba is for real
like the next Beatles!

Katherine, it's Jason.

Ooh! Your boyfriend!

Shut up, doofus.

Hey, babe,
what's happening?

What? Why?

But we were going

to the Winter Wonderland
Dance tonight!

( crying )

He broke up with me!

( sobbing )

Oh, no.
I'm sorry, sis.

But know what?
You're way better

than stupid Jason Averal.

And we're about
to do something way more fun

than a dumb winter dance:

We're going
to a Chumbawamba concert!

Aw, you didn't have
to do that.

Of course I did.
I'm your brother.

( chuckles )

You know, he made one mistake.

And Prock's right,
he's my brother.

I bet he feels really bad

and he's back to being
the good guy he always was.

( festive music playing
over speakers )

I'm starting to get worried.
We haven't heard from Prock.

I'm sure he's fine.
Once we pick our Secret Santas

and I finish putting up
stockings, I'll send him a text.

Oh, my God.
What is this, 1939 Poland?

Not one Hanukkah decoration?

Yes, there is.

Shalom!

Guys, I found a villain who
I missed in my search before.

He didn't show up
because he hasn't been active

for over 80 years,
but he looks like someone

who could be
very appealing to children.

Mama?!
( all gasp )

It's Santa Claus.
( all gasp )

I mean, Santa's
not his actual name.

He went by Animal Control.

But he was last seen
60 miles from the North Pole.

And his power is
to control the minds

of animals and make them fly.

Oh, like reindeer!
And to a lesser extent,

he can weakly control
the minds of humans.

Which, I'm guessing,
he used to get parents

to give gifts to their children
but say they were from him,

so the children would come
to love him more than anything

and be willing to pledge their
absolute loyalty 80 years later

when he finally brought them
together into an army!

That actually
makes sense.

And this totally explains

why Mr. Awesome never
let Prock believe in Santa.

Because Mr. Awesome is immune
to mind control.

You guys are crazy.

There is no way
that Santa's evil.

SANTA: Password?
Warm cookies for breakfast.

Prock, meet our leader.

Santa Claus?

That's right,
little baby boy.

What's your name, tiny child?

Jeremy.
Aw, you're so cute.

How old are you? Four?

No, he's 6.
Poor baby.

You must be malnourished.

Let's get this boy
some candy and soda!

Wow, thank you, Santa.
This is amazing.

( thumping and muffled screams )
Shut him up!

Anyways, welcome
to the North Pole, son,

where all your dreams come true
and the only dick is Rudolph.

You've really outdone yourself
tonight, Malocchio.

Well, it is the holidays.
I had to do something nice.

A gift? I told you
I don't like to celebrate.

Open it.
Fine.

There's nothing here.

( cackles )

That was my evil plan
all along.

That was terrible.
Sorry.

I'm just running out
of evil things to do.

( phone dials and line rings )

You will never guess
who the villain is.

Santa.
Not Santa!

Oh.
We figured it out
last night.

Well, I'm here
at his workshop.

If you hurry,
we can stop Santa

in time for me
to make the 3:00 flight.

You want us
to kill Santa?

What kind of monster
have you become?

No, come on. This is not
the Santa you know and love.

He's a deadly villain.
Prock, you may be right.

But since he's Santa,
we need to be absolutely sure.

Let's just gather
a little more intel

before making
such a rash decision.
Ugh.

We really didn't have
to get here so early.

You know how crazy
traffic gets after 4.

( phone chimes )

Man, he's delayed again!
( bleeping )

Honey, you know
I don't like that language.

( bleep ) you, Dad!

( hip-hop music
playing over speakers )

( train horn whistles )

( children laughing )

Hey, Jeremy,
how awesome is this?

Santa thinks of everything.
There's even a DIY

gingerbread house-building
station in the corner.

O.M.G.!

Wow, Jeremy.

That's the best gingerbread
house I've ever seen.

And I know gingerbread houses.
Thanks, Santa.

Eggnog?
No, thanks.

Listen, Jeremy,
I've been watching you.

You have been very naughty
and I think that's nice!

And you're smart!

And if you didn't have
such a laughably weak body,

I'd almost think
you were an adult.

Oh. Thanks, Santa.

I don't know
if Dennis told you,

but I'm planning
something big tonight.

And I want you
to be at my side.

As my lieutenant.
Oh, wow.

So does this plan
involve anything, uh, evil?

Come on, Jeremy.

Would someone evil
provide children

with all the joy
and happiness in the world?

Huh, maybe Santa isn't
such a bad guy after all.

( ominous theme playing )

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Yeah, he's a bad guy.

( laughing )

Mm. How good is this?

It's like chocolate,
but you drink it.

And instead of regular,
it's warm.

Yeah, Mom,
it's hot chocolate.

Oh, open your gift.
You will love it.

Oh, a Chumbawamba
t-shirt.

Thanks...
Your favorite band!

Well, some people's
music tastes change over time.

Not mine.
I still only listen

to my first favorite song,
"Twinkle Star."

Uh, that's weird,

but it is really nice
spending Christmas with you.

Now let's talk about
the best present of all.

In six to eight weeks,
my throat will be healed

and I will have
regained my powers.

I've come up with a new plan.

Even more terrible
and devastating

than anything
I've thought of yet.

( cackling )

Aren't you gonna open
your other gift?

It's Chumbawamba
sweat pants.

Looks like Prock
was right. Let's move!

No, let's gather more intel
first. I'm still skeptical.

Yeah, I agree with Frantic.
I thought you hated Santa.

Oh, yeah,
that's right.

Let's murder
that fat piece of garbage!

( phone dials
then line rings )

( whispers ):
Guys, I have
very important news.

Santa's destroying the world.

Why can't I ever
surprise anyone with news?

Yeah, Santa's
taking over the world.

So can you guys stop him?
I gotta get to the airport.

No. Stay where you are
and don't blow your cover.

We're using your satellite phone
as a tracking device.

Hey, you have
a flying sleigh.

When this is over, could you
maybe swing by Albany?

The closest
I can get you is Hartford.

PROCK:
Aah! Domestic!

( phone chimes )
Oh, my God, he's delayed again?

I don't know
about this guy, honey.

We've been
to the airport three times.

No, Dad, you gotta
trust me. Prock's great.

Santa continues
his worldwide rampage.

And officials
have discovered a new clue.

Photos of what appears to be
a very frail accomplice.

Merry ( bleep )
Christmas to me!

( phone beeps )

Santa, we've got London.

England, China,
Germany, South Africa.

It's all falling into--

What the--?
Who are they?

That is the greatest superhero
team in the world, the Awesomes.

And also,
this whole time,

I have actually been
a 33-year-old man.

( laughing ):
Thirty-year-old man!

( sighs )

Oh, wait, you're serious?
Jeremy, you traitor!

My gingerbread house!

I made the chimney
extra big for you!

Aah!

( weapon powering up )
Stop!

Okay, so Santa
only has one reindeer left,

and one laser gun,
so he won't last much longer.

Then we just need to make him
tell all the kids

to stand down.
That should give me an hour

and 10 minutes
to get to my flight.

I don't know if that's
enough time with security.

And I gotta take
my laptop out of the bag,

and my prescription
face lotions,

my prescription hand lotions,
my prescription back cream.

This is silly, I'll just take
the Awesomes jet. Start.

SANTA:
Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Get off my sled!

It's too late, Santa.

Stop being so anti-Semitic
and let us kill you!

Never!
Rise up, my children.

Rise up
and destroy them all!

( ominous theme playing )

Ha-ha!
Look at the cute--

( grunts )

( all yelling )

We're adults.
We can't hurt kids.

On it!
( kids yelling )

Okay, you dirty Maccabee!
Time to meet Stalin!

Huh?
Nothing. He has
some facts wrong.

The point is, you're done.
Never!

( screaming )

Thanks, buddy. I owe you
some of my Jewish gelt.

Jewish guilt?
Gelt. Jewish gelt.

Faster, Rudolph!
Why are you such a dick?

Hey!
( both gasp )

Who's the dick now,
you fat ( bleep )?

You!
You're still the dick!

Achoo!
I'm allergic to feathers!

Sorry you had
to see that, Frantic.

It's okay.
That isn't really Santa.

He's just a villain.

That's a very mature way
to see it.

Yeah, the real Santa's
still out there somewhere,

I know it.
Hm.

( groans )
PROCK: It's over.

All that's left
is for you to tell

all your kids to surrender.
Never!

Or we're taking you
to midnight Mass.

Oh, well, then I'll do it.
I don't have an hour for that.

Attention,
all kids, stand down!

Put down your weapons
and go home to your parents.

Okay, I better get
to the airport.

( grunting )

You guys got this?

Tonight, the Children's War

ended peacefully as all
the children dropped their guns

and went home in time to have
Christmas with their families.

However,
the day took a dark turn

when Santa Claus,
the beloved hero

of children and adults alike,
was killed by this man,

ruining Christmas forever
for everyone.

When you meet him,
he's really great.

PROCK:
Come on, come on. Oh, I made it.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT ( on PA ):
Attention, everyone,

our flight has been delayed
by three hours.

( babies crying )

( man snoring )

( festive theme playing )

So great to meet you,
Mr. Stone. I'm--

You bastard!
You killed Santa!

Sir, the thing is--
Ha, I'm just messin' with you.

I'm glad
the fat slob's dead.

I'm very conservative,
and I've always felt like

Santa took the religion
out of the holiday.

So personally,
I think you're a hero!

Thanks. What?

( all greeting )
What are
you doing here?

Now you guys can all
celebrate Christmas together.

Well, it's great
to see you.

How did you
get here so fast?

We took Uber. It was $40.
Can you believe that?

( heart monitor beeping )

( Santa groans )

I'm alive!

Well, kind of.

I know you didn't
accomplish your goal

of taking over the world,
but you're with us now.

And I promise you, together,
we will accomplish

something much bigger
and more evil

than you could've
ever imagined!

( cackling )

( ominous theme playing )

( door opens )

Rudolph,
you came for me.

Of course, Real Santa.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

This doesn't
change anything.

You're still a dick.

( The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing )

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪