The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - MadeMan - full transcript

( police sirens blaring )
BOTH: Heh-heh-heh.

Trackstar,
we're losing them.

( grunts )

( mysterious theme playing )

MadeMan!

( grunting )

( screaming )

( grunting )

So, MadeMan,
how's Giavanna?

She just made my favorite,
tortelloni alla zucca.

Now it's gonna get cold.
( grunts )



Aah! My kneecap!

( panting )

( grunts )

Ha! Missed me.
What the--?

MADEMAN:
And that's when I said:

"Never interrupt an Italian man
during dinner."

( all laughing )

Whoa, Gadget Gal, I didn't know
you were friends with MadeMan.

In the '70s,
his gangster powers

made him one of the coolest
members of the Awesomes.

This is so cool! A real-life
gangster legend is in my house.

Can I get a picture of me
begging you not to kill me?

Who is this guy?

Hey, I was on the last level.



Who is this guy?
Good Lord.

You're in the presence
of some of the most

legendary superheroes
of their time.

Co-Pilot,

Jazz Guy,

the Human Television

and Facebook.
Facebook?

Back in the '50s,
I threw books in people's faces.

Great.
Can I have my Game Boy back?

Sorry, I just lost it
in the poker game.

( The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing )

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

ROMANO:
And do you think
this has something to do

with your relationship
with your mother?

Psychiatrists are all the same.
Depressed?

Your momma didn't love you
enough. Can't quit smoking?

Your momma yelled at you when
you were 3. Stressed at work?

You want to kill your father,
and sleep with your mother.

Well, you just told me about
a dream where you mother

was a giant pillow
that tried to smother you.

Then you were at
your mother's funeral,

opened the coffin
and it was you inside.

And then you killed your father
and slept with your mother.

That dream could mean anything.

Look, I just came here to refill
my Ambien prescription.

You said your mother always
appears in your conjurings.

Do you make her a part of these
conjurings by choice?

Of course.
I'm always in control.

I'll conjure something
without her right now.

You like elephants?

Hi, baby. Who is this lady?

( grunting )

Come play "Chopsticks"
with Momma.

You're so good
at the high part.

( grunting )

Honey, do you mind if you--

Aah! All right, fine.
I can't do it.

And yeah,
sometimes it does bother me.

I mean, it's embarrassing.

I conjure up a tank
to run over a bad guy,

and the tank tells me I need
to wipe crumbs from my mouth.

On the other hand, I did have
those crumbs on my mouth

so I would have been
embarrassed either way.

I guess maybe I'm a
little closer to my momma

than what's "healthy,"

but that's just the way it is.
She needs me.

I play a role in her life
no one else could ever fill.

You made a lot of progress
today, Impresario.

Thank you.
So can I get that Ambien?

I'm just a therapist.

I don't write prescriptions.
Damn it!

Oh, you're still playing
that weird poker game?

I thought old people
were supposed to play bridge.

Bridge is for pussies.

And this isn't some
nancy-boy poker game either.

I picked it up during
a summer fling in '52

with a warlord in Ko Samui.

There's no cashing out.
You lose everything,

or you keep going
until there's nothing left.

If you watch, maybe you'll grow
a sack by the time it's over.

So this guy, in the air vent,
spying on us. What's his deal?

Oh, that's just Perfect Man.
We broke him out of prison

and he's hiding out here.
No, I'm not.

Hey, relax, kid. Everybody here
has hid from Johnny Law

at some point.
Your secret's safe.

If you ever want a more
comfortable hiding place,

you come and see me, okay?

They'll try to load you up on
french fries and chicken wings,

but the trick is to wait it out
until they bring the crabs.

My baby's so smart.

Always getting
the best bang for his buck.

And you want to make sure they
bring extra butter and lemons--

Mom? Momma?

( romantic theme playing )

Mom!?
Lemons and butter.
I heard you, baby.

Who is this
enchanting creature?

Annabelle Sullivan.
Uh, and this is my son, Austin.

Well, Annabelle, I couldn't help
overhearing you're headed

over to the Blue Pearl
for all-you-can-eat crab night.

The owner, Jimmy Caprici,
happens to be a friend of mine

and I'd be happy to take you
both as my guest, on the house.

That is,
unless I would be intruding.

Oh. Oh, no, you wouldn't be
intruding at all.

We don't mind. Do we, baby?

( grunting )

Here, let me crack your crab,
Momma.

This better not be the beginning
of a falling-in-love montage.

( romantic theme playing )

PERFECT MAN:
Thank you so much
for seeing me, MadeMan.

My good friend, Perfect Man,
what can I do for you?

I can't stay cooped up
in this building any longer.

It's starting to make me crazy.

I see. So you come to me
to ask for a new identity?

I know I've made mistakes
in the past,

but I want to change my ways,
make a fresh start.

I just want a simple life.
As you may know,

a Sicilian man can not refuse
a request on the day of his

daughter's sister-in-law's
nephew's bar mitzvah.

I did not know that.
It's one of those new rules.

They're always adding new ones.
That could be kind of annoying.

Hey, I'm gonna help you
with your problem.

Do you speak any Italian?
Una poquito.

Eh. Good enough.

I know it's a big adjustment
having another man in the house.

But baby, I'm happier
than I've been in a long time.

I don't want him in my room,
or in my house,

eating all my Gushers
and my Fruit by the Foot.

Austin--
Or my Fruit Roll-Ups!

( grumbling )
( door slams )

Tim, be a dear and go fetch a
sixer from the upstairs fridge.

And grab one for yourself.
Um, I'm 11 years old.

So? When I was your age, I was
working three jobs to support

an Irish-Catholic family
of 15 people.

Taking a long swig from
the bottle at the end of the day

might have been the only thing
that kept me alive.

Heh. Actually, while
moderate drinking--

I didn't ask for your life
story, kid. Just get the beers.

( grumbling )

Oh, no! My baby better
not be punching no ginkgo tree!

I didn't give you
that magic jewel

just so you could
throw tantrums in public.

It's not a magic jewel.

It's just one of your
stupid earrings

and you tricked me
into thinking it was magic.

I had my powers all along.

You better watch the way
you talk to your mother.

I don't need your
stupid magic jewel

and I don't need you, Momma!

Momma?

She's gone.

I'm free! Ha-ha!

Yeah!

You must be very happy.
This is what you wanted, right?

It is pretty great.
Although, I kind of miss her.

I haven't talked to Momma
in almost three days.

Listen, you're coming to terms
with your own independence.

My whole life
she was there for me.

Me and Momma, the dream team.

Without her around, I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.

Didn't you have any hobbies
as a boy? Sports you played?

Oh, no,
Momma said sports were

a first class ticket
to life in a wheelchair.

Video games?
Momma said

games were just
a slippery slope to sports.

Puzzles?
A hop and a skip to games.

And I was not allowed
to hop or skip.

Okay. What would you normally
be doing tonight

if you were with your mother?

Probably watching

the Real Housewives
of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

And do you enjoy that program?
No, I don't.

But we always watch
what Momma wants.

Well, what about you?
What do you watch?

I wanna watch Real Housewives
of Wilmington, Delaware.

( mellow Italian theme playing )

( sheep baaing )

( women giggling )

( whispering indistinctly )

WOMAN ( in Italian ):

Whoa!
( women giggling )

( action theme playing )

I thought we were
going out to dinner.

Why do you guys have bad suits
and greasy, disgusting hair?

MadeMan wants
to take the team out

to the opening
of his new restaurant.

Oh, I'll pass.
Suit yourself.

More stuffed crust pizza
for the rest of us. Ha-ha.

This is a fancy restaurant.

They're not gonna have
stuffed crust pizza.

Um, it's an "I-talian"
restaurant.

I think it'd be pretty
embarrassing if they didn't.

I'm gonna order gabagool.
So I can find out what it is.

( upbeat music playing on TV )

RHONDA:
Did you hear they're renovating
the Susquehanna Art Museum?

Did you know they're putting
a Wegmans on 2nd Street?

Did you hear they put a Wawa
in the Concord Mall?

No. Did you see the new Grotto's
across from the Charcoal Pit?

Come on, Audrey! That Grotto's
been there like three weeks!

Can you believe this woman?

COMPUTER:
Visitor alert. Main entrance.

Visitor alert.
Main entrance.

Hey, hey, hey, how's it going?
How's it going?

Oh, um, fine. Long day.

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!

Tell me about it.

Hey. I was just watching
some TV,

got an empty space on the couch
if you want it.

I really gotta
finish my route.

What?!

( beeping )

Heh-heh.
So I look at him, and I says,

"That's too bad
about the girl,

but at least you
got those free shoes!"

( all laughing )

Hey! Can we get some
Domino's Dots over here?

( train horn blowing )

( funky theme playing )

( banging notes )

Hm. Hello, handsome.

I don't suppose
you want to play?

I mean, it can't be possible.

Nice serve.
One-nothing, you.

Oh-ho-ho, yes!

This is very much
what I want to do.

( tense jazzy theme playing )

Whoa! Great move, bud!

What do you want to do next?

( doorbell rings )
Food's here. Take over for me.

( as MadeMan):
So I look at him and I says,
"That's too bad about the girl,

but at least you got
those free shoes!"

( as MadeMan ):
Do not! That's the same story
MadeMan told.

You calling me a liar?
What are ya gonna do about it?

Hey, y'all.
What's going on over there?

MUSCLEMAN ( in normal voice ):
I'm just gonna
come out and say it.

Those six black guys
all look like Impresario.

Muscleman!
So racist.

( dramatic theme playing )

( in Italian ):

( bells chime )

( melancholy theme playing )

( dance music
playing over speakers )

( all chattering )

Oh! Oh, no! Ow!

( grunting )

So how's work?
Not too bad. You?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt?
No.

Ha-ha! Joseph, Jesus' dad.
That makes more sense.

Ah! Those things
have Impresario!

Guys, I'm fine.

In fact, I've never
been better in my life.

For the first time, I'm doing
everything that I want to do.

Impresario--
Prock,

you need to relax.

I don't think
this is a good idea.

Mm, mm.

Put it on my tab.

Guys, this party is dying.
Let's get out of here.

( all chattering )

Sorry, it's one coupon
per customer.

( sighs )

( scanner beeps )

( funky theme playing )

( dogs barking )

( conjurings chattering )

Uh, hey, Prock,

I think we might
have a problem.

2,400 dollars?!
Damn right we have a problem.

First things first. Impresario,
can you will them to disappear?

I don't know.
The ones I created, maybe,

but the other ones, I can try.

( grunts )

( grunts )

( roars )

Anyone want
to hit up a sample sale?

Yes, but I
probably shouldn't.

I thought this
might be the case.

Your powers can't cause
direct harm to yourself.

And since the conjurings
basically are you,

you can't
destroy them either.

So we're screwed.
Um, not quite?

I've isolated the weaknesses
of every team member,

and designed plans
for defeating each of you

in the event such action
was ever necessary.

You planned ways
to kill us?

That's all kinds of effed up.

I want to see mine!
No, don't!

Ha-ha! Fly paper.
So I couldn't run away.

That's a smart
and humane way--

( scream onscreen )
Wow.

Why'd you have to burn off
my wiener?

Heh. Uh, that's one's
not done yet.

If I could direct your attention
to the subject at hand.

I developed an anti-matter beam
that can destroy the makeup

of Impresario's
light conjurings.

I outfitted the beam to weapons
we're all trained to use.

So if these guys
won't go quietly,

perhaps they just need

a little persuasion.

Ha-ha! Cool!
All right. Heh.

Can we maybe try to take
a little less pleasure

in murdering
what is basically me?

( conjuring groaning )

Whoo, yeah!

Sorry.

( action theme playing )

Prock, I cannot allow this.

These aren't villains,
they're just regular,

if somewhat stylish, people.

You can't gun them down
in the streets.

Impresario,
you have to understand.

These aren't human beings.

They're figments of your
imagination.

We're not killing anyone.
Just the same,

if you guys don't mind,
I'm gonna hang back at HQ.

I don't think
I'm prepared to deal

with the psychological effects
of murdering myself

a thousand times over.

We'll take care of it, buddy.

( all chattering )

( dramatic theme playing )

Whoo, what is this?
A tea--

( dramatic theme playing )

( conjurings yelling )

( tires squeal )

Okay, listen up.

These are our streets
and these cock-a-roaches

think they can come in
and take over.

Well, it's time we made them
an offer they can't refuse.

Because you don't bring
a knife to a gun fight,

and you don't bring a gun
to a knife fight.

No time for a speech!
You're mixing genres.

( all yelling )

( romantic theme playing )

( horse whinnies )

( Prock yelling )

PERFECT MAN:
Ha-ha! Hiyah, hiyah!

Hey!

( conjurings grunting )

( dramatic theme playing )

( engine starting )

( grunts )

( screaming )

Austin, baby, you home?

Momma brought Fruit Socks.
Listen, I understand,

but the kid has to grow up
at some point.

It's so important that the men
in my life get along.

I can't bear the thought that my
baby thinks I abandoned him.

We'll straighten everything out.
They're not here.

That's fine. We can wait.

( both moaning )

They're replicating faster
than we can destroy them.

( romantic theme playing )

( all grunting )

Looks like it's over, you guys.
Nice knowing you. Ugh.

Tell Prock he's been
a great friend,

and I love him like a brother.
He's right there.

You tell him.
We're not on speaking terms.

I did not steal that story from
MadeMan, and I am not a stunad!

( Annabelle moaning )

ANNABELLE:
Oh, give me love!

( screams )

Oh, God!

( yelling )

Oh, yeah, woof, woof.

Oh, yeah. Oh, mm.

Mm-hmm, come on with it. Mm!

( screaming )

( all screaming )

Is that MadeMan?

And Impresario's mom!
Gross!

( all screaming )

( screaming )

( dramatic theme playing )

( horse snorts )

( train whistle blows )

( majestic theme playing )

( giggling )

Well, I'm glad it's all over.

But I'm sure this isn't
how you wanted it to happen.

No, it's okay.
In a weird way,

I think it gave me
some much needed perspective.

Momma, I'm sorry
I was being so selfish.

Hanging out with a bunch
of my selves made me realize

I'm great, but a real
relationship

has to be with
someone different from you.

Which means you might
not be able

to understand
all their decisions,

but you respect
their choices anyway.

MadeMan's a good guy, and
I'm glad you have a each other.

Oh, come here, baby.

I'm sorry I smashed
your magic jewel.

That's okay, baby.

You know what the good thing
about earrings is?

There's always two of them.
Aww, thanks, Momma.

You done good, kid.
How do you feel?

Kind of like I aged
30 years overnight.

That means you did it right.

Here, I won your game
back for you.

Game? The only game I play now

is the fleeting charade
we call waking life.

Might have overcooked
him a bit.

( humming )

Perfect Man?
What are you doing here?

Not much. Just macking
on some Fruit Socks.

No, I mean what are you
doing here as in,

I thought you were living under
an assumed name in Sicily.

Oh, yeah! It was great.
What's next on the list?

Never been to Costa Rica.

No, there's no list.

Getting disappeared
is a one-time thing.

Oh, that's a bummer.
Well, hey.

At least I got
to bang an Italian chick, right?

Karen something... Karen-- Ah!

That was it. Great jug-inis.

IMPRESARIO:
So I guess I learned
having more of me around

isn't always a good thing.

Are you worried about something
like this happening again?

IMPRESARIO:
Not really, but I do know
there's one other left

still out there.

Though I intend to take care
of that problem soon enough.

That's my baby,
finishing what he started.

I think the two of us should
have a little chat.

ROMANO:
Giuseppe, are you ready?

Uh, just uh give me
about 45 minutes?

( The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing )

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪