The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Awesomes Awesome Show - full transcript

I cannot believe you forgot
where you parked the jet.

Hey, at least I remember
important things.

Like my wedding anniversary.
You're not married.

Oh, right. Forgot.

Oh, my God, look at that.

PROCK: What?
IMPRESARIO: Out the way!

(door chimes)

This is illegal
copyright infringement.

We are the Awesomes,

and we would never sell our name
and image for financial--

Oh, my God! It's me.
I'm an action figure.



This is the dream,
this is the dream.

Ow, I broke my arm again.

Still cool.

Geez, the torpedoes
they slapped on me

make Mae West
look like Irene Dunne.

Geez, the torpedoes
they slapped on me

make Mae West
look like Irene Dunne.

Hey, it's me. Dude,
look how cut I look.

That's cute. Huh? Excuse me.

Is there a special
Frantic section?

Perhaps a corner kiosk

to accommodate
the heavy foot traffic.

Um, kind of.
Wow, what a deal!

Ooh, that deals even better.



(slurping)
Wait a second,

it seems like once again
something I took for a positive

is revealing itself
to be a negative.

Curse you, switcheroos.
I'm sorry, this is so awkward.

I don't want to
talk to you anymore.

(grunts)
Sorry.

(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

(dramatic theme playing)

Thank you all
for being here.

Frantic, turn your chair around.
Ugh.

Awesomes, this is television
producer Lola Gold.

I'll get right to the point.

Your team's rising popularity is
presenting a unique opportunity.

People want to know
more about the Awesomes,

and we're gonna tell 'em.

With a 10-episode
television show.

(all gasp)
Absolutely not.

We fight crime.
We're not self-promoters.

We're safe-promoters.
Oof.

Back to the drawing board
for that one.

I get where you're coming from,
Prock,

but you know, the old Awesomes
did a few propaganda films.

(patriotic theme playing)

In these trying times,
it's important to remember

we have Lady Liberty
on our side.

And freedom.

And the good old
stars and stripes.

So remember to buy war bonds to
help fight the German menace.

(in German accent):
Die, American heroes!

(grunts)

MAN (in normal voice):
I'm not the real Hitler!
I'm just an actor.

I'm sorry, was that story
supposed to be helpful?

It was supposed to be a story.

Do whatever the hell
you want with it.

I wouldn't be opposed to
embracing some of the limelight.

My natural theatricality
almost demands it.

Yeah, I took an improv class
in fourth grade.

And I'll never forget
the old improv rule.

Yes and... something.

I can never remember
what goes with yes.

Do you mind if I talk
to my team for a minute?

Oh, fine, but make it quick.

Windows of opportunity
have a way of shutting.

Need I remind everyone here
we have an escaped convict

hiding out
in Awesome Mountain?

We can't have cameras
in here 24/7.

PERFECT MAN:
I think we should do it.

Okay, you really
shouldn't be in here.

We should do it.
I wanna be famous.

You are famous. You were one
of the most popular superheroes,

then got convicted
of treason

in an incredibly high-profile
trial, escaped, and now

you're the most well-known
fugitive in the world.

I wanna be more famous.

Oh, come on, Prock.
It'll be great!

Plus, television
is the perfect medium

to show the world the real me.

In regards to the real me,
when would we start?

I need a nose job,
fake contacts

and that plastic surgery that
makes you look like a cat. Rawr.

PROCK DOLL:
Sounds like a bad idea to me.

Please, Prock. I'm begging you.

I just wanna be loved and
accepted for once in my life.

(sighs):
Can you promise this will be
classy and dignified

and not some cheap reality show?

Here's how classy it'll be.

People will put it
in their Netflix queue,

but they're never
gonna watch it.

ALL:
Ooh.

In that case...

I reluctantly agree.

You won't regret it.

Get that thing away from me.

Hey, hey, hey,
I'm taking a shower.

This is not
what we agreed on.

ANNOUNCER:
What happens when seven heroes
live under one roof?

IMPRESARIO:
I'm gonna like the way I look.
I guarantee it.

GADGET GAL:
I put the "bitch"
in "old bitch."

TIM:
When I'm fussy,
everyone is fussy.

FRANTIC:
I like to-- Hey!

CONCIERGE:
According to my schedule,

today we do things my way.

MUSCLEMAN:
Flex, flex, flex, flex.

PROCK:
Sorry, what do you mean,
"say something sassy"?

ANNOUNCER:
It's mean, obscene
and on your TV screen.

It's the real heroes
of Awesome Mountain.

I look disgusting.
The camera adds 10 pounds.

Shh, here's my big part.
Here's my big part.

I made sure to say
some very titillating things.

The thing about showers is--

Hey, why'd they
cut away so fast?

Well, you know, they have
hundreds of hours of footage,

so they can only use
the very best.

(Prock humming)

FRANTIC:
I am less interesting
than flossing.

This is a nightmare.
We're 15 minutes in,

and we haven't even left
the bathroom.

IMPRESARIO:
There is hair in the drain.

Jaclyn, is there anything you
can do to get us out of this?

Well, no. This contract
is airtight.

They own you
for 25 more seasons.

Twenty-five?

Excuse me, would you sign
a waiver to be on our show?

Don't touch me.
(chuckles)

It's just that quick temper

that makes you
such a compelling personality.

We really think
if America got to know you,

you could be a star.
Really? Wow, okay.

Sure, I'll sign right here.
Ooh-la-la.

Oh, (bleep).
What did I do?

(dramatic theme playing)

This antidote is guaranteed
to turn you good.

(suspenseful theme playing)

Okey-dokey, I think we're ready
to give this a try.

Eh, I-I thought
it would take longer.

I've been synthesizing this
for two months.

Now it's show time.
Hey, before we do it,

how about one more game
of Scrabble?

Takes too long.
With you having to pick up

the tiles with your mouth and
move them around with your nose.

No offense,
it's a real bummer to watch.

Okay, I guess I might as well
get it over with.

But you've tested this, right?
Tested? On who?

You know,
like a rat or a monkey.

or a double-blind study.

We're in space.
Right.

Didn't they send
a monkey into space?

Is he still around?
Relax, Malocchio.

This antidote contains
everything wholesome

and innocent in the world.
Rainbows, cotton candy,

children's laughter,
panda bears.

But mainly chemicals.

Okay, so we're in agreement.

Let's go find that space monkey.

(grunts)

(screaming)

Wait, there's panda bear
in this? Where did you get it?

I try not to think about where
the panda parts come from.

(all grunting)

Aah! Oh! Ow! Aah!

Ha! You're gonna have to hit

a more important part of my body
than my head.

(grunts)

It'll take more than that
to defeat the Fish Sticks.

Fish Sticks? Because you're fish
and you fight with sticks. Wow.

Yeah, I know.
Pretty good, right?

(grunts)
Huh?

(yells)

Huh?

(yells)

(suspenseful theme playing)

Ew, fish penises. It's like
a Ukrainian delicatessen.

(all grunting)

Whoo, I'm gonna get me
a big one, baby.

That's tartar sauce,
'cause you're a fish. Boom!

Did you guys get that?
Tartar sauce.

Cut. Cut.

I'm sorry. What are you doing?
She said "cut."

Yeah, but there are bad guys,
like right here.

Prock, don't worry.
The Fish Sticks are actors.

Actors?
We're big fans, by the way.

Thrilled to be working with you.
Have I seen you in something?

I was in an episode
of Detective Homicide Squad.

I played Murder Victim Two.

Oh, you were good.
Can you do it for me?

I'd rather not.
Please. Bravo.

We're supposed to be
fighting crime, not actors.

Oh, well,
you're getting your wish.

Our research shows
that the Fish Sticks

are not testing well
in the demographic.

Kids today want dark,
not silly.

Excuse me,
are we fired?

Because I just found
my character.

Yeah,
you're fired.

Good. Now, will the Awesomes
please join me

as we find
some real villains?

Now is not great for that.
What? Why?

Well, I'm shooting a segment
for my new show, Impromsario,

where I help nerdy teenagers
dress for the big dance.

And Gadget Gal and I
are meeting with a PR team

for our perfume launch.
We'd skip it,

but with perfume,
it's all in the launch.

And Muscleman and I
are pitching a spin-off show,

Sumo Money, Sumo Problems.

I play the problems.

So you have my entire team
engaged in TV nonsense?

Uh, not Frantic. He's all yours.

But I wanna do
TV nonsense.

Oh, I'm sorry, Frantic.
You're just not marketable.

No. N-N-N-N-No!

I will not stand for this.

Oh, man,
I sound like my action figure.

Not dark enough?
Well, Lola Gold,

you've just made a mistake
you will-- Line.

Ugh, "live to regret."

Live to regret. It was
on the tip of my tongue.

NARRATOR:
Crime haunts our nation.
Murder. Assault. Robbery.

But nothing
is more threatening

to the welfare of our citizens
than fashion crimes!

Nuh-uh. Goodbye. Did your look
get a good night's sleep?

Because your look is tired.

NARRATOR:
It's Fighting Fashion Crime,
with Impresario. On Yuk.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe the Awesomes

are all getting
their own shows.

Who cares about
these stupid people?

Hey! I was watching that.

He was making dressing better
fun with his snarky comments.

Mom,
these are my enemies!

Why can't you be enemies
with a show I don't watch?

Like basketball. Or the news.
(sighs)

Tonight,
City Hall is on lockdown

as the Fish Sticks
have kidnapped the mayor.

We have your mayor,

and we're gonna cut off
one of his toes every hour

until the Awesomes and their
film crew meet us in battle.

I did not realize
how dark the Fish Sticks were.

Sometimes people are a little
darker than you think.

Don't make me call HR again,
Barry.

I cannot believe this.

We have to stop the Fish Sticks
and I have no team.

And that's when I realized
no matter how fast I run,

I'll never outrun
my greatest enemy, myself,

because we run
the same speed.

Whoo! That was
really good.

You guys get all that?
Nope.

And where have you guys been?
Wait, let me guess.

Muscleman, you were shooting
your show with Tim.

That's tomorrow.
Today I shot a dating show

called Kiss, Marry, Kill.
I meet three girls,

and then I pick which one
to kiss, marry and kill.

You don't actually
kill one of them, do you?

I will admit I hadn't thought
past the kiss,

but I will check with Lola.
Joyce, this has to stop.

Surely, you don't think
this is a good use of our time.

Prock, I'm sorry,
but these shows

are top priority
for the department.

Sure, it seems unconventional,

but when you really step back
and look at it--

Lola gave you a show,
didn't she?

It's called She Da Boss
and I play da boss.

Why does everyone care so much
about being famous?

Because my mother finally
understands what I do.

Okay, you know what?
This ends right now.

I don't care if we're in breach
of some contract, we have real--

Prock, if you even think about
interfering with this show

or any of the other shows,

a legal team will descend
on this mountain so hard

it will be little more
than a pile of rubble.

I am not
playing games here.

But I will be playing games
with Jane Lynch

on Hollywood Game Night
only on Hulu.

It's also on NBC.
Only on Hulu!

Impresario,
did you use my conditioner?

Conditioner is a public good.

Once it's in the shower,
anyone can use it.

Are you kidding me?
This is only available

at the Body Shop outlet store.
Oh, by the casino.

I'm going there tomorrow.
I can pick you up some.

Should I also get you
another box of cheap hair dye?

Shut up, Gadget Gal.
Ooh, good one.

You must've just been
to the Witty Comeback Store.

If so,
I hope you kept your receipt.

Hey, take it easy. We don't
talk to teammates like this.

Also, why is everyone
drinking wine? For breakfast?

Lola thinks wine brings out
the best in people.

Tim, you cannot drink wine.

Ugh, I cannot handle
all this drama.

Looks like someone
needs a nap.

Ugh!

ALL: Oh!
FRANTIC: Snap.

Are you kidding me?
Stealing conditioner...

Wonderful. Simply wonderful.

COMPUTER VOICE:
Sealer neutralized.

Inoculation of Dr. Malocchio
complete.

Well, that's it.
So Giuseppe, how do you feel?

DR. MALOCCHIO:
I feel-- I feel...

good!

Good like no longer feeling
like enslaving humanity good?

'Cause that's what
we're going for.

I do.
I feel like hugging people.

Or like baking an oven
full of brownies...

for puppies.

With dog-friendly
chocolate of course.

Let me bake brownies
for puppies, please!

That's what I'm talking about.
Welcome back, Dr. M.

Let's celebrate
with some champagne.

Yes. It can even be that
bathwater from California.

I don't care.

Being a lamp is hard work.

People turn you on.
People turn you off.

What about what I want?

Excuse me, Miss Lola?
What do you want?

I just want you to know
that I will do anything,

and I mean anything, to get
more air time on this show.

Oh, you want more screen time?
Be less boring.

Be less boring.

I don't think you're hearing me.
Spice things up.

Date a robot, punch a nun.

Those don't feel quite right.

Ay-yi-yi. You must have
something interesting about you.

Drug problem? Prison?
Any kids you don't know about?

Come on, Frantic.
Work with me here.

(upbeat theme playing)

Hey, y'all. Did I ever
tell you guys I'm gay?

(all chattering)
Yee-haw!

Gay!
And that was the shock

heard round the world
when superhero Frantic

heroically came out
of the closet.

We are 43 hours in
since the announcement,

and we are turning now
to social media.

What they're saying on Twitter,
on Facebook, on Instagram.

And as you can see
from our facial,

emotional recognition software,

when the team found out,
opinions varied.

Shock, confusion, and nothing.

In our Kiss the Cook
corner today,

in all the craziness
around Frantic's coming out,

we asked gay chef
Marcus DuBois about

gay people's favorite food.
Seriously?

ANNOUNCER:
Coming up next, America's
favorite superhero TV...

Guys, it's starting.
will not be seen tonight.

Instead,
it's Frantic and Friends!

(upbeat music playing over TV)

CONCIERGE:
What the hell?
What happened to our show?

Yeah, now it's Frantic Show
just because he says he's gay?

If it's gonna be about one
of us, it should be about me.

You? I should be the one
to have a show.

I've got more style
than all of you combined.

Not to mention sass.

What would your show be about,
Impresario?

Stealing conditioner
and crying to your mom?

That was one time because my
hair was dry. I told you that.

Calm down. I have never
seen you guys so angry.

Shut up.

(slowed-down yell)

(grunting)

Guys, please, cut it out.
What's gotten into them?

Oh, it is on.
(all grunting)

Hey, where you guys going?

You can't just leave me now.
I'm gay.

See, I'm fun too. Look at me.

Hm. Maybe if I punch harder.

(all grunting)

(Muscleman grunts)

(all grunting)

This is great. This is great.
You guys getting this?

(yells)

(suspenseful theme playing)

Ha! Missed me, diaper man.

Stop.
Okay, this doesn't make sense.

The team hasn't always
gotten along,

but they've never been this mad,
but I'm not mad

and I'm more irritable
than any of them.

Because I'm immune to mind
control, which means someone

is making them angry
through mind control.

But who would benefit from
setting a group of people

against each other?

Of course!
A reality show producer.

Start. I think it's time
I see your eyes.

You figured it out.

They call me the Aggravator.

I have the ability
to incite mass irritation.

I used to get bank tellers to
bicker while I robbed the vault,

but then I realized there was
more money in reality TV.

Well, the game is up.

You're gonna stop me?
What makes you think I won't?

I just think you'll have
your hands full with them.

(foghorn blares)

If you're too afraid
to come to the Fish Sticks,

the Fish Sticks
will come to you.

Awesomes, let's bait the hook.

Guys?

(yelling)
FRANTIC: Here you go.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

You like that, land creature?

It's not personal, Prock.
I'm just a slave to ratings.

This Frantic gay thing
will sustain us for awhile,

but I always gotta be ready
for what's next,

and what's next
is a reality show

about how the Awesomes
lost to a team of fish.

(choking):
Help.

(grunts)

(dramatic theme playing)

(all grunting)
FISH STICK: I don't get it.

We kidnapped the mayor,
we burned down the city,

just so you guys
would come fight us

so we could be
on your stupid TV show.

(gasps)

Wait, that's what this is about?
You just wanted a show?

Uh, yes.
We are act-ors.

Don't say it like that.

No one likes it
when you say it like that.

We cut off the mayor's toes.
That's disgusting.

We didn't really
cut them off.

These are just baby carrots
painted to look like toes.

I also dabble
in prop work.

Guys,
nothing would make me happier

than you having your own show,
but it's not my call.

Lola is the producer.

If you want your own show,
catch her before she leaves.

I'll send the tapes right over.

It's a hit show,
I'm telling you.

World's greatest superhero team
sunk by fish villains.

It's your fault. It's your fault
we're not famous.

You think we're pathetic?
You think we're corny?

That we're a joke?
Well, the jokes on you,

because you are going to make
a reality show about us.

As our prisoner,
where 18 hours a day

you will shoot our every move
and then edit it,

keeping the pace up while still
respecting our comedic timing.

Not if I don't set you against
one another first.

We are act-ors.
Sorry, actors.

We're already
set against one another.

It's called
the audition process.

If you want our help,

just release my team
from your hypnosis.

(all yelling)

(dramatic theme playing)

Ah.
Oh.

Huh?

Sorry, Fish Sticks,
but it looks like--

(blows landing)
Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Well, I did not
think that through.

(upbeat theme playing)

Well, the final tests are in,
and you are officially good.

Can I borrow your phone?
I need to text a donation

to the earthquake victims
in New Zealand.

Come on, don't you know the
phone companies take 90 percent?

I guess being good
is gonna have

a learning curve.
Don't worry, you'll get it.

Let me get you a towel so you
can take your first shower

in four months.
Five months.

What about when I gave you
that sponge bath?

Oh, right.

Yes, I am good. Good and ready
to take my revenge.

The fool. It will take a lot
more than a chemistry set

and some dead pandas
to turn this gunslinger around.

Evil runs through these veins.

And now it is back to Earth

and a new beginning of my ascent
to world domination!

(laughing)

Eh, why aren't we moving?

How did you know?

You screamed
"evil runs through these veins."

You still wanna make brownies
for puppies?

Fine, but not enough
for all the puppies.

That's right,
I'm looking at you, buddy.

(whimpers)

(soft theme playing)

No sign of the Fish Sticks
or the Aggravator.

So strange that they
would just disappear.

You okay, boss man? Those Fish
Sticks hit you a lot of times.

I'm okay, but Frantic,
listen.

I've gotta tell you,
I know you enjoy being famous,

but pretending to be gay
just to get attention,

it's pretty disappointing.

What do you mean "pretending"?
I am gay.

You are?
Sure, everybody knows that.

They do?
I don't call him chorus boy

because he can sing.
I call him chorus boy

because it's offensive.
Oh, you know what it might be?

I don't really listen
when you're talking.

Haven't you ever noticed
my boyfriend Stephen

always coming over?
Hey.

Frantic, I am so sorry.

It's all good.
It's always all good.

Stephen!
Check it out, check it out.

This is the new gay Frantic
action figure.

How can you tell it's gay?
You can't.

Because at the end of the day,
aren't we all the same?

And it also comes
with extra shoes

and says "I'm totally gay. Hey!"

That is so offensive.
You don't like it?

I love it.

I am totally gay. Hey.

Perfect Man,
you can come out now.

I'm not gay.

I meant out from
under the lampshade.

Hm, I think
I like it in here.

(Fish Sticks groaning)

You. You rescued me. Why?

I think someone with your power
could be very useful to us.

Perhaps you'd like to take
your show to another network?

What are we talking about?

It's a metaphor, lady. We want
you to join our evil team.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yes.

(laughing maniacally)

And, oh, "asino."

What's "asino"?
Italian for donkey.

I told you, English words only.

(bleep) you.

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪