The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 3 - Destination Deading - full transcript

(ominous theme playing)

(grunts)

Where am I? Who are you?

Hello, old friend.

Mr. Awesome?

That's right.
You're with me now.

But how?
The last thing I remember

is the explosion and then
being pulled up to heaven.

Heaven? You?

(laughing)

I'm sorry. You thought
you were going to heaven?



Okay, I know I wasn't
the greatest guy,

but I once did a 5K run
for breast cancer.

You are not in heaven.

One second
before the explosion,

I came in and grabbed you,
saving you from certain death

and flying you into space.

But why?
Why would you save me?

I've spent so many years trying
to stop you and your evil ways,

but as I watched you
take over the world

and try to destroy the Awesomes,
I realized something.

This is not your fault.

You're right. My blood sugar
was low that day and I--

I knew you
when you were a good person.

A great scientist.



You had no idea
that taking that serum

would change you
and turn you evil.

I believe there's still
a good person inside you.

I built this laboratory to find
a way to reverse that serum.

And I'm gonna keep working
until I figure it out.

Even if it takes me years.

Wait, I may be strapped
to this thing for years?

Well, I'll let you stretch
every few hours

in the exercise room
in the back.

Aw, that sounds nice.

(fingers tap)

Hmm.

So, uh... how's the weather?

It's space. There's--
There's no weather.

Ah, right.

So, uh... how are the kids?

Good. Real good. No, Junior's
an accountant. Seems happy.

You know, that's all
you can hope for.

Hotwire was saved
from the explosion

by a teleporting alcoholic,
so that's good.

You hungry? I can make dinner.
Sure.

Do you have any goat cheese
and beets?

What can you do
with beans, grapes,

cinnamon and chewing tobacco?

I think the question is,
what can't I do?

(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

(dramatic theme playing)

So how long
is this mission gonna take?

I hate being alone.

Oh, this is not a mission,
Perfect Man.

Where we're headed is much,
much worse.

We're going
to a destination wedding.

On Catalina Island.

(all groan)

Well, that sounds nice.
You gonna snorkel?

No, it's not nice.
It's the worst.

It's like a vacation,
but at an inconvenient time,

twice as expensive, not where
you actually want to go,

and instead of having
a vacation, you go to a wedding.

And, yes, we're gonna snorkel.

You guys are nuts.
Weddings are the best.

There's free cake, dancing,
and you get to see

two of your cousins
live happily ever after.

Why are we going again?
We have to go.

It's Muscleman's sister.
Oh, Abby's getting married?

Yeah, to an ape.
Real rough dude, huh?

No, an actual ape.
Huh?

David Apelstein. He's
a chiropractor from Apesylvania,

the island nation filled
with highly intelligent apes.

I might know him.
Where'd he go to school?

Ape Elementary, Ape High School,
and then Monkey College.

Montclair College?
No, Monkey College.

Oh, then I don't know him.

And as terrible as this wedding
is for all of us,

it's even worse for Prock,

since he's in love
with the bride.

I am not in love with the bride.

Please don't make
a big deal about it.

She's already worried
it's gonna be awkward

since you guys have a "history."
Barely.

We kissed during Spin the Bottle
in seventh grade

at Crystal Kapluwitz' house.
That does not count.

She still thinks it does.
Because she's insane.

I'm just saying, she doesn't
want things to be awkward,

so please behave.

Ugh. I hate weddings.

Then there's the whole
Jacqueline situation.

We haven't been dating that long
so it feels weird to bring her,

but long enough
it feels weird to go alone.

What should I do?
Prock, do not bring Jacqueline.

Way too early.
It smacks of desperation.

But I like
spending time with her.

(all groan)

All right, all right.
Plus, Prock,

there's gonna be so many
hot single girls there,

only half of which are apes.

Why tie yourself down?
Because I have a girlfriend.

Yes, but what happens in C.I.
stays in C.I.

Oh, wait. No, that was before
they got sued by Las Vegas.

I'm sorry, Prock. If you want
to cheat on your girlfriend,

what happens in C.I.
is fair game to mention

in all other locations.
No one calls it C.I.

I do.
Well, sounds like you guys

will have a lot of fun.
Skype me if you're bored.

The very expensive cottages
we have to stay in

don't have Internet.
Or hot water.

A lot of fun.

Perfect Man, a quick reminder.
You're a fugitive now,

so while we're gone,
under no circumstances

should you go outside
or let anyone else inside.

Sure thing.
Except I'm gonna order pizza.

No, we have plenty of food
in the fridge.

There's even some pizza
left over from last night.

But I want breadsticks.
Perfect Man,

you're putting
not just yourself at risk.

We could all go to jail
if they catch us protecting you.

Every one of us.
I get what you're saying,

but these breadsticks
come with cheese dip.

Do not order pizza.
Fine.

(ominous theme playing)

MAN (over TV):
All right, welcome back
to Last Alien Comic Standing.

Now, let's keep things popping

with some comedy from
a galaxy far, far away.

Aliens and gentlemen,

please make some noise
for Taylor Williamson.

Hi, guys. What's the deal with
three eyes on your knees, huh?

(laughing):
He's funny.

I don't get it.
Who has eyes on their knees?

Aliens, Mom.
Aliens have eyes on their knees.

Calm down, Junior.

The doctor said you can't
raise your voice for six weeks.

It needs time to heal.

Because the Awesomes
destroyed it. I hate them--

Shush.

Why did they have
to do this to me?

Look at this.
I'm stuck here in my bed

while they're having the time of
their life on Catalina Island.

It's nice that Frantic
accepted your friend request.

He accepts everybody.

How dare they even think
of having fun

after what they did to me.

I will not let them win.

I will avenge my throat.

And your father
and your sister.

Yes, them too. But my throat
really hurts right now.

Wait a second.
I think I know that ape.

He went to Monkey College.

Ha, ha. That's it. I
will have my vengeance.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Hot water, Junior?

This time with honey.

(upbeat theme playing)

(all yell)

FRANTIC:
Paradise!

(chattering)

Ugh. I'm sweating.

Take off your shirt.
It feels good.

I can't.
My weird rash came back.

I can't either.
I forgot to wear a bra.

On purpose.
Who are you winking at?

No one.
It's just out of habit.

That time was at you.

Ugh. Why did they choose
this place?

It's all the way across
the island from the reception.

And the formatting
on this invitation is all wrong.

They should've had you
plan the wedding.

Always the guest.
Never the planner.

Wait,
this says children discouraged.

I'm discouraged?
Why didn't you tell me?

You don't count.
You're a superhero.

Are you sure?
Yes.

Whoo-hoo!
Look at this bag of free stuff.

Free Advil, free fun-size M&M's,
more free Advil.

Wow, this is like Christmas,
y'all.

Frantic, it's not free.
This place costs $800 a night.

Plus 6000 on fuel for the jet.

Which, by the way,
if you guys could chip in.

I put everything on my Amex.

(all chatter)
No.

You can't put a price
on bliss, man. Or Advil.

Now, who wants
to jump in a wave?

Aww.

I'm guessing
you're on the groom's side.

(chuckles)

I'm Abby's brother.

Elliot Levy Apelstein.

David's uncle
and proud ape.

I see that despite
the invitation's instructions,

you brought a child
to our wedding.

I don't need to go. It's okay.
I'll stay in the cottage.

No, you will come
as an example.

So everyone can see how rude and
ignorant you people really are.

Um, you people?

Yeah, Homos.
Hey, man.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant Homo sapiens.

But I can see how you took it.
That was terrible.

Gay, straight,
it doesn't matter to me.

I say let people
live their lives.

Cool.
Now, where was I?

Oh, right.
You Homo sapiens disgust me.

So I'll put all the rooms
on this card, okay?

Damn it!
No one else gave you a card?

He gave me an Uno card.
Wild draw four, pretty sweet.

FRANTIC:
Everything is free!

Let's order room service.
No, no, no!

Okay. This should finally
give me some time

to catch up on my to do list.

(grunts)

MAN:
Order two pizzas and get
a third one for half price.

You'll have to do better
than that, temptation.

With free breadsticks!

Yes, I'd like to order
10 pizzas.

And do you have
the cheese breadsticks?

Okay, regular's fine.

(upbeat theme playing)

Lemonade? Oh, man.

I bet they have
iced tea too.

They do!

Hey, let's go say hi to my sis
and wish her luck.

She probably doesn't want
to be bothered.

No, she'll be so excited.
It's just for a second. Come on.

(knocks on door)
Hey, sis.

Are you ready or what?
I can hardly wait.

You look amazing.
Oh, stop.

I'm so proud of you.
It's gonna be a great day.

And he's a great ape.
You're next.

I don't know about that.

I'm not really ready
to settle down.

Well, I think she is.

(upbeat theme playing)

Can't say there aren't six or
seven things I dig about that.

Can I just say thank you

for all the Advil?
I cannot tell you how much

I'm looking forward
to my next headache.

And congratulations
on your impending nuptials.

Thank you.
We're all so happy for you.

Oh, please. Don't pretend
to be happy for me, Prock.

But I am.
I have a girlfriend now.

Yet where is she?

This is really
inappropriate,

and you need to stop this
immediately.

Just please don't make this more
awkward than it already is.

You played
Spin the Bottle with her?

I played
with a lot of people.

She's just the one
the bottle landed on.

That's when you gotta go
with Smash the Bottle.

We're ready to begin.

And why's he still here?

You told me I should come.

To be an example
of how terrible we are.

Oh, there'll be
an example made today.

An example
time will not soon forget.

(laughing maniacally)

That uncle is weird.

(upbeat theme playing)

(phone rings)

Hey, Prock.
Hey, just checking in.

Everything good?
Yeah, I just-- I miss you,

that's all.
Aw, I miss you more, cutie.

Ugh. I'm going
to be sick.

So how was the wedding?
Terrible.

You're not flirting with
any cute bridesmaids, are you?

Ha. Of course not.

You know, I dated an ape once.
Really?

Yeah. I met him sophomore year.

We had an away game
at Monkey College.

But it fell apart because
I'm allergic to bananas.

Oh. Well,
I wish you were here,

but you're not missing much.
Catalina Island is the worst.

I hope I never, ever, ever
have to come here again.

Huh.
I've always wanted to go.

We should go sometime.

(heroic theme playing)

(doorbell rings)
Pizza!

Hey, I'm Tony, with Pizza Pizza
Pizza Pizza Pizza.

Pizza Pizza merged
with Pizza Pizza Pizza.

Well, nice to meet you, Tony.

I'm Perm Man. Perm Man.

Uh, Perm Man?

Yes. My power is I have a perm.

How is that a power?
It just is.

Hey, why are you covering
your face with your hands?

Ow!
(chuckles nervously)

Hm.

(cameras clicking)

(pants)

Hm.

Ow! Son of a--

You forgot the mushrooms.

(upbeat theme playing)

Well, at least
they have mojitos.

Finally something good
at this wedding.

What is a child doing here?
We could've brought the twins.

Hey, I know you.
You're that superhero.

This always happens
when I go to public events.

Little Boy Man.
What?

Yeah, you got the body
of a little boy

and brain of a man.
You're like my favorite hero.

Can I please
get a picture with you?

Oh, uh, actually, I'm not him.
I'm, uh--

Yeah,
he's the Weak Weakling.

His one weakness
is everything.

No, that's not right
either.

I have met him though.
He's very nice.

Really weak handshake.
But, actually, my name is--

Oh, don't tell me.
It's on the tip of my tongue.

Uh, Captain Loser?

No, uh, Sergeant Loser.
Uh, Disappointment Man?

Guys, I think the wedding
is starting,

so we should
probably stop talking.

"Oh, I'm
Disappointment Man,

I'm too good
to talk to my fans."

Why were those apes making you
feel so bad about yourself?

Because that's what happens
at weddings.

Here's the bill
for your mojitos.

On the Amex?
What?

Yeah, apes don't have
open bars.

(funky music playing)

It's about time. It was supposed
to start an hour ago.

(crowd gasps)

("Bridal Chorus" playing)

(bones crack)

Oh, my dad still
maintains his lats.

Prock, get over me
already.

What?
Stop staring.

It's your wedding.
Everyone is staring.

Do not try to break up this
wedding and ask me to marry you.

And kiss me. Don't kiss me.

I wasn't going to. At all.

Do not kiss me right now
and take me away forever

for a lifetime
of happiness.

Go get married, sis.

Hello to everyone here
on the wonderful island

that is Catalina.
FRANTIC: Woop, woop! C.I.!

Today we have gathered together
to celebrate the marriage

of the beautiful Abby

and the amazing chiropractor,
David Apelstein.

(all chuckle)

Till death do you part
or in about two minutes.

(chuckles maniacally)

Were you talking to me?
What? No.

Okay, well, either way your foot
is pushing against my seat.

It's not his fault.

They put the seats
too close together. Idiots.

(heroic theme playing)

I'm so bored.

(sighs)

(whispering indistinctly)

Hi, I'm Prock. I'm the leader.

And I'm so skinny
that the only people

who can fit into my suit
are anorexic tweens.

(grunts)

Ty Cobb, Winston Churchill,

F. Scott Fitz-something. Um...

Orson Wellington.

When I'm Tim, no one like me.

When I'm Sumo, everyone does.

But it's not 'cause I'm big,

it's because for once in my life
I stop talking.

God, I hate that guy.

You have given and pledged
your promises to each other

and have declared
your everlasting love

by exchanging the rings.

Even though the ring
was too small for David.

I'm an ape. Go figure.

Oh, Dave.

(all laughing)

If you weren't my nephew,
I'd kill you right now

instead of in two minutes.

Now, if there's anyone here

who does not believe
that this wonderful couple

should spend
an eternity together,

speak up now
or forever hold your peace.

(laughing)

Before our ape God
and this community of friends,

I know pronounce you ape--
ELLIOT: Wait.

Did I miss the part where
you get to object? Damn it.

I guess it's okay.
You were pretty close.

Whoa, it's just like
in the movies.

Do you think
he's in love with her?

He's the uncle.
You mean they're not cousins?

Gross.

Every ape born and bred
in Apesylvania

knows that this wedding today
means one thing.

That the humans and the apes
will form an alliance

and start to integrate.
What is he doing?

He's just trying to get
attention. It will be fine.

And while this is very modern
and cutting edge,

it is never gonna happen!
(crowd gasps)

(screams)

(apes gibbering)

(grunts)

(crowd gasps)

(dramatic theme playing)

Help! Prock!

Stop thinking about
kissing me and do something!

Ugh.

Damn. Where's my mommy?

I miss my mommy.

Someone conjure up my mommy.

(screams)

We gotta act now.
I know. I'm thinking.

Nice knowing ya.
Stop. Okay.

I have to save
Muscleman's sister.

Although if she's not around,

that would make this trip
less stressful.

Why does she still think
I like her?

I mean, I have a girlfriend.
Huh.

Feels weird to say that.
Feels good to say that.

I actually have a girlfriend.

Okay, while I'm stopping time

I should probably
do something to help.

Start.

What the...?

Hm?

Don't eat. Attack them.

Aw, even the little kid?
Especially the little kid.

Children discouraged.

Then I guess
I'll have to grow up.

(yells)

(action theme playing)

God, I love bananas.

I know.
I am such an ape, right?

Whoo! I'm Godzilla.

Gonna take out
all you little King Kongs.

(all yelling)

(all grunting)

Concierge, help!

Oh, right, I'm a superhero now.
Totally forgot. Sorry.

Aah!

Who else wants some?

(all whimpering)

Prock, kiss me!

I mean, help me!

(dramatic theme playing)

We all go out together.

Not on my watch.

(beeping)

(explosion)

FRANTIC:
Surf's up!

What's better than a wedding?
Seriously.

Hashtag C.I.

Abby. Abby!

She's not breathing.

Mouth to mouth
isn't cheating, right?

No!
Got it.

Because I have a girlfriend.

ALL:
We know.

(suspenseful theme playing)

(pants)

(moaning)
Ugh.

No, no. No. Stop.

Not what I'm trying to do.

It's like seventh grade
all over again.

So just so we're clear, I did
not kiss Muscleman's sister.

(all chattering)

Whatever.
Okay, good.

'Cause I do not need
Jacqueline finding out.

I want her
to be able to trust me.

And Muscleman's sister
is so not my type.

You know I'm on this jet,
right?

Now I do.
I'm here too.

Oh, hi.
Such a beautiful wedding.

Mm.

(ominous theme playing)

We had a deal.

You were supposed
to destroy them.

Hey, I tried. Those laser guns
you gave me were defective.

They turned into bananas.
No!

(coughs):
You were outsmarted.

Impossible. No human could ever
be smarter than an ape.

They got lucky this time,
but I'll make sure we get them.

No one hates these guys
more than me.

(horn honking)
You coming, Junior?

Mother, I'm doing
important villain business.

You're crazy.
Monkeys can't talk.

Not a monkey.
He's an ape!

Watch your voice, baby.
Don't yell.

I'm not yelling!

More hot water, sir?

That'll be $18.
I wanna go snorkeling.

I hate Catalina Island!

I'll put it on
that black magician's Amex.

(ominous theme playing)

This is not good.
My kid is in trouble.

And my kid
is getting in more trouble.

Ugh, parenting.
Pff. Tell me about it.

Do you like your dinner?

Amazing. I can't even taste
the chewing tobacco.

Of course not.

It's just supposed
to bring out the flavor.

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪