The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - People vs. Perfect Man - full transcript
We don't have
a lot of time.
Our charter requires
a minimum of 7 members,
or else the government's
gonna pull our funding.
We're lucky they're giving us
extra time
to find Hotwire's replacement.
We can never replace Hotwire.
I thought that's what
we were doing.
Hotwire's dead.
We need to replace her.
Shh!
So we're not picking
a new Awesome
because Hotwire's dead?
Stop saying "dead."
Shh.
Oh, right. Prock is sad because
he was in love with Hotwire,
but she died, so now we're
replacing the dead Hotwire
with a live person
because she's dead.
Got it. When you're confused,
it helps to talk things through.
Personally, I think any one of
these Adonises would be perfect.
Did somebody say
"perfect"?
Hey, Perfect Man. All right.
Oh, wow.
Were you just hiding behind
a curtain for an hour
waiting for someone
to say "perfect"?
I've come to offer
my reinstatement
as a member of The Awesomes.
I think we could really benefit
from having someone like me
on the team.
He was waiting behind here
for an hour.
Going solo isn't all
it's cracked up to be.
You have to do
all your own paperwork,
and nobody ever
restocks the fridge.
And my credit's not great, so
it's hard to get office space.
This is amazing. You're my
favorite superhero of all time.
Thanks, little guy. Maybe one
day you can be on the team too.
No way. Really?
Now, wait a minute.
You don't get
to just come back
and ride the coattails
of our success.
This is our team now.
We rebuilt it from nothing,
so don't expect us to just
roll out the red--
(all cheering)
PERFECT MAN:
You're welcome. Thank you.
You guys are too much.
Welcome to the team.
(dramatic theme playing)
Well, if it isn't
Joyce Mandrake.
I'm sorry to say
you're too late.
We have a new member, so you
don't have to pull our funding.
That's great.
Oh, and also, Perfect Man,
you're under arrest for treason.
ALL: What?
(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪
♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels so awesome ♪
Perfect Man,
for your association
with the known traitor
Dr. Malocchio
and your role in his recent
government takeover,
you are being charged
with high treason
against the United States
of America.
You can't be serious.
I was under Dr. Malocchio's
mind control.
My mind
was being controlled.
Well, I'm afraid not everyone
believes that story.
Let me sort it out
with the president.
Playing golf this weekend.
I'm sorry, Perfect Man.
The order comes directly
from the White House.
There must be
some mistake.
We were just out to dinner
last night.
(line ringing)
Hey, Maury, it's P Man.
So I'm hearing this crazy rumor
that you ordered my--
You did? For treason?
You sure?
Oh, I get it.
Right. Well, always a pleasure
to talk to you.
Ha, ha. Hm.
(gunfire, explosion)
He's going to need
a good lawyer.
Hey, Prock,
aren't you a lawyer?
I do mostly contracts.
Fine.
Injured on the job?
Got a deadbeat dad?
Did you boss touch your butt?
Stop complaining
and call me, Jaclyn Stone.
I'll sue their (bleep) off.
That's who we're up against,
Jaclyn Stone.
She's the best
in the biz.
That's what lawyers call
the business.
I don't understand.
How could Maury
do this to me?
The president's
come under a lot of fire
since letting the world get
taken over by a supervillain.
Malocchio can't answer for
his crimes because he's dead.
The country needs to point
the finger at someone,
and that someone is you.
Why can't it be
someone else?
How about Gadget Gal?
She's a menace.
Don't worry, Perfect Man.
I'm a very good lawyer.
But now I need to make you
into a good client.
First I'm going to teach you
how to connect with the jury.
They and they alone decide
your guilt or innocence.
I've prepared
these cardboard cutouts--
Why?
If there's no jury,
they can't find me guilty.
They can bring in another jury.
Another jury?
It's like the legal system
has thought of everything.
Also, those are cutouts
you can just buy in a store.
It took me like a day to make
those. Know what? Never mind.
Let's move on to some practice
cross-examination.
Now I'm going to ask you some
questions as Ms. Stone. Ahem.
Perfect Man, how do you
respond to allegations
that you had a friendly
relationship with Dr. Malocchio?
Well, Ms. Stone,
hm, nice try,
but everyone knows
I would never trust an Italian.
They have crime in their blood,
crime and tomato sauce.
Okay, as a rule,
racial stereotypes
don't play well with juries.
Right, right.
I mean, um...
I love Italians. Some of
my best friends are Italian.
Like my good dear Italian
friend, uh, Dr. Malocchio.
Let's just start over.
Good call.
There's plenty of races I have
much stronger opinions about.
I'll prepare a list
in case they ask me.
(dramatic theme playing)
(men screaming)
So you can turn into
a bunch of bees?
Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah, it's cool,
but we have a lot of people
trying out. There's a high bar.
But I think I'm everything
you would want in a hero.
It says in your file
that you don't like shellfish.
No, I'm allergic
to shellfish.
There was an incident
at Red Lobster.
You lost control of your powers
and stung dozens of people.
Uh, it happened once
about 15 years ago.
It's not really
a problem anymore.
I just stay away
from seafood restaurants.
Wait, you can't get down
with some crawdads?
No. No.
Lobster tail?
Snow crab legs?
I can't eat any shellfish.
We'll be in touch.
(dramatic theme playing)
Oh, hey, Metal Fella.
Hey.
Hey, uh, I didn't get a chance
to thank you the other day
for saving my life.
Oh, um, no problem.
I really thought you were
some kind of evil vigilante,
and I'm sorry for
misjudging you. Are we cool?
We cool for sure, bro.
"For sure, bro"?
Uh, I really got to work
on my guy talk.
It's just I've been under
a lot of stress lately,
and I haven't been
sleeping well.
Uh-huh.
And someone I really cared about
betrayed me, but then after
they tried to make things right
they just vanished
from my life,
and so I have a lot of
mixed emotions about that.
Yes, well, I'm sure that if, uh,
this person were still around,
they would feel really bad
about everything
and definitely try
to win back your trust.
You think?
Oh, totally.
They'd probably want
to talk to you about it too,
but, uh, still need some time
to figure things out first.
Huh.
You know, or...
That's just one theory.
Who knows? Right, dog? Pound it.
Hey, listen,
we're actually looking
for a new team member
right now.
I don't suppose you'd consider
trading in the solo act
and joining The Awesomes.
I, uh... I'm sorry.
I can't.
Oh, no. No, it's cool.
You got your own thing going.
I got to get up there,
but we'll grab a drink later?
Yeah, totally, dude.
Peace out.
"Totally, dude"?
"Peace out"?
What? Ohh, that was...
I got to rewatch Swingers
or something.
So in your expert opinion
as an accomplished psychologist
and expert on mind control,
you believe the evidence
clearly shows
Perfect Man was acting
of his own accord?
Yes, that's correct.
No further questions.
Your witness.
Dr. Johansson,
surely like all of us,
you saw the events in question
on the news
and witnessed Perfect Man's
glowing red eyes,
a tell-tale sign
of mind control?
Yes, but I believe
in this case,
that was caused
by other factors,
such as pinkeye
or color contacts.
Hm, colored contacts.
My client is accused of
shooting lasers from his eyes
many times during
these alleged crimes.
How could so-called colored
contacts sustain repeated blasts
from high-powered
lasers?
Well, there are
several possibilities.
I brought with me today
a pair of red contacts.
Perfect Man?
They don't fit. I'm innocent.
(all gasp)
No. That's not what
I'm trying to show.
Oh, well, you got
to tell me this stuff.
I did tell you.
Now put in the contacts.
Everyone stand back.
Ohh.
Do you not see,
Dr. Johansson,
that a single
low-powered laser beam
has completely disintegrated
the contacts in question?
Um...
As for your other explanation,
is it not true that pinkeye
is caused by adenovirus,
which the superhero gene
that all superheroes have
grants immunity from?
Yes, that's correct, but--
And is it not true
that you got your diploma
not in psychology,
but in pie-cology,
the study of pies?
(crowd gasps)
And due to a typo
in your diploma,
you've been pretending to be
a psychologist ever since?
It's true! It's true!
I'm a fraud.
But my pies are delightful.
You really must try them.
Your witness.
For my next witness, I would
like to call Perfect Man.
(dramatic theme plays)
Dutch people,
the French, obviously,
Argentinean, Pacific Islander,
Atlantic Islander,
which is like Nantucket
or Martha's Vineyard,
and Asians.
But I have no problem,
and I repeat, no problem
with Asian girls.
Thank you very much
for listing all of the races
you're "not sold on,"
but my question was,
please state your name
and your occupation.
Oh. Perfect Man,
superhero.
Hm, you don't seem like
much of a hero to me.
Ha, ha, ha. Well, you obviously
don't know me very well then.
I know that.
From what we've heard today,
it seems like you don't do
pretty much anything
unless the big bad
Dr. Malocchio forces you to.
That is not true.
You're basically just a puppet.
And now that
your master is gone,
you do what,
melt people's ice cream?
No, I am very powerful.
Everything I did
for Dr. Malocchio,
I did of my own accord.
It was me doing it.
I was responsible
for everything.
(crowd gasps)
And...scene.
That was a monologue
from my client's one man show
Perfectly Hilarious,
which takes place
in a fictional courtroom.
And now that
he's done reciting it,
we can all resume
the trial.
Your honor, we find
the defendant guilty.
I think that's supposed to
happen later, but sure, why not?
Guilty!
How could he be
such a bad witness?
Well, you know, Perfect Man,
his pride is his weakness.
The racism is new to me though.
Not that I would know
or have dated him or-- I--
You did a great job.
Thanks, Metal Fella.
Hey, I was thinking about that
girl you were telling me about.
Uh, what was her name? Hotwire?
Yeah?
Well, maybe she did
really like you, a lot.
Maybe it was hard for her
to express
because of the cognitive
dissonance of having to choose
between her father's approval
and the love of the man her
father was trying to destroy.
And only later,
when it was too late,
did she truly realize
that you were the one for her.
Wow, that's really
insightful, actually.
Not anything like
the typical advice
I usually get
from my other guy friends.
Oh, yeah, right.
No, no, no.
I'm totally a guy
in the most typical way.
Yeah, what I meant to say was,
you got to slam some new chicks.
You feel me? Pound it.
Yeah, you're right,
but the only girl in here
is that prosecutor.
She's cute though.
Her?
Oh, man, don't waste
your time on that.
Really?
Oh, yeah, talk about way--
She's reading
David Foster Wallace at a bar.
Ugh. Snoozeville,
population, her. Am I right?
Heh. Yeah.
From the lady.
So, what's the angle?
No angle.
I just thought you should
buy someone a drink
after you've (bleep) them
in the (bleep).
Wow.
I will tell you though,
it is refreshing to have to try
at least a little.
Compared to most lawyers
I go up against,
you're Clarence Darrow.
Of course, compared to me,
you're a (bleep) idiot.
Ha. Well, if it wasn't
for my client,
I'm pretty sure I'd be
buying you a drink right now.
You know, because
you buy someone a drink
after you've (bleep)--
Why am I talking like this?
If I tell you a secret,
do you promise not to tell?
(laughing)
(computer reading
on-screen text)
Hey, crew.
Um, hey, Metal Fella.
You dudes getting
some brew-ha-has?
Yeah, um...
You want something?
No, thanks.
Don't want to drink and fly.
(laughs weakly)
Hey, Metal Fella, weren't you
saying there was a heist
you needed to stop
or something?
Actually, it's okay.
I should leave.
You guys have
some guy time.
No, it's fine.
You can stay.
See you soon,
counselor.
Wow. Come on, man,
I was killing it over here.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize--
It's okay. I get it.
You're a loner.
But maybe next time try
to pick up on some social cues.
(dramatic theme plays)
So your power is...
you can absorb the powers
of anyone you can see?
Let me show you.
(dramatic theme playing)
(grunts)
But what if you absorb the
powers of a 10-year-old girl?
Why would I absorb the powers
of a 10-year-old girl?
Next.
Uh, is there anyone coming
that's not completely useless?
GADGET GAL: Not yet.
Hey, guys.
Hey, buddy.
How's the trial going?
Oh, I lost.
ALL: What?
When were you going to tell us?
Guys, seriously, I'm fine.
I mean, sometimes you lose,
so you deal with it.
I did have a long talk with
the prosecutor, and she is--
Oh, you're worried
about Perfect Man.
Prock, you said
you'd get him off.
I did my best.
That's so not fair.
Perfect Man was going to teach
me how to throw a curve ball.
Ow! What the hell?
It was supposed to curve.
Guys, relax.
He's a first time offender.
He'll probably
just get probation.
For being found guilty
of treason,
Perfect Man was sentenced to
500 years in the Pharmacy Zone.
(all gasp)
Not the Pharmacy Zone.
That's right,
the Pharmacy Zone,
an alternative dimension
where criminals
too dangerous for prison
spend their time waiting
in line forever at a pharmacy.
I'm sorry. I can't find
your insurance in our database.
What do you mean?
It's a platinum plan.
The Pharmacy Zone
is operated by Shuman's
Prison Alternatives.
If it's not a prison,
it's a Shuman.
(both sobbing)
Okay, look.
It's awful,
and I'm sorry,
but there's nothing we can do
at this point, so--
Yes, there is.
We can break him out.
ALL: Yeah.
He's being held
at the Maximus Penitentiary
until tomorrow,
when they do the transfer.
We have 24 hours.
Um, that's illegal.
I mean,
I don't want to have to
represent all of you next time.
Prock, seriously? You're just
going to let Perfect Man
get sent to the Pharmacy Zone?
He's a team member.
Yeah, for like one second.
Plus, all he has to do is
wait in line at the pharmacy.
Who cares? I have
to do that every Wednesday
to get my asthma medication.
So Perfect Man's life
will be like Prock's?
(both sobbing)
It just keeps getting worse.
All right.
We can rescue him.
All right. Oh, good.
I hope he's okay.
I'm sure he's fine.
Ow!
MAN:
Hey, Perfect Man.
We heard you don't like
Atlantic Islanders.
First things first. We need
to find the blueprints.
I'll get them tattooed
on my back.
Um, okay.
Wait, Prock,
we have to be careful.
Since Perfect Man
was on the team,
we'll probably be
the top suspects.
We need an alibi.
I could take that prosecutor
to dinner.
I think she might be into me.
Prock's right.
If our team leader
is seen
with such a high-profile
public figure
at the time of the break out,
they'll never suspect us.
Just make sure she doesn't
leave after 20 minutes
like all your other dates.
We need at least a half an hour.
I think I can make a date
last a half an hour.
Just don't tell
the Rhode Island story.
Oh, it's a great story.
I haven't heard it.
No.
So this one time,
I was driving from
Massachusetts to New York--
ALL: Ugh.
Fine. I'll tell you later.
So according
to the blueprints,
Tomorrowland is
right next to Frontierland--
Frantic, this is a map
of Disney World.
Oh, sorry.
Frontierland is
nowhere near Tomorrowland.
I'm not going to be there,
so you need to follow
my plan exactly.
You're dealing with a place
designed to hold supervillains.
An alarm will go off
anytime you use superpowers
anywhere within the walls,
which means you have
to get into the prison
as regular people and visit
an unsuspecting inmate.
Let's say our very dear
close friend Horticulture.
So, Horticulture,
what's going on?
Um, not much.
How's life, man?
HORTICULTURE:
So you're my long-lost cousins?
GADGET GAL: Oh, sure.
IMPRESARIO: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HORTICULTURE:
It was an actual tree
fell on that guy.
(suspenseful theme playing)
Oh, hey, Jerry,
we were supposed to be
in the C block 10 minutes ago.
Well, it's been great
catching up with you, Hortie,
but we got to go get
some, uh, plant food.
And rain water.
And then we saw the sign,
"Welcome to Connecticut."
And just like that,
we had left Rhode Island, eh?
I can't believe I'm saying this
after only 20 minutes,
but I think I'm going
to get out of here.
No, wait. Um...
So this is fun.
Well, enough about me.
How about you?
What do you do for a living?
I'm a lawyer.
Oh, right.
(suspenseful theme playing)
Hey, man, they want you
down on level three.
Huh? Okay.
Right on cue.
Okay, all the guards
from here to Perfect Man
have been reassigned
to different sections.
Wow, great work, Concierge.
Do we really need ten guards
watching Speed Reader?
I mean, his power is
like speed reading.
Got to respect
the schedule.
(suspenseful theme playing)
Guys, you came for me.
Of course. You're one of us.
Thanks, friend.
Though I'm still going
to do this.
Cut it out.
I'm sorry.
Did you say
get the other ear?
Aw, come on, Muscleman,
you know I didn't.
Okay, it's been 26 minutes.
26? Really?
I think that's a record.
I mean, one time, a date
lasted three hours,
but that's mostly because
her car broke down
and the guy from AAA
kept getting the address wrong.
Best night of my life.
You have a lot of stories
about cars breaking down.
Um, two stories.
And you try finding
a good mechanic in Providence.
Okay, Prock, it's been fun,
but you are a boring (bleep),
and I never want
to see you again.
Has it been 30 minutes yet?
Twenty-seven.
You know what?
Then just go.
I don't want to date
someone like you anyway.
If that makes you feel better,
go with that.
I'm serious. You put
an innocent man behind bars
just to promote
your career.
What kind of person
would do that?
Maybe this is hard for you
to understand,
since your only superpower
seems to be
telling the world's
most boring story,
but people with real
superpowers can be dangerous.
Do you think I don't know that?
He broke the law.
I dedicate my life
to fighting supervillains.
I bet
they're really scared.
I'm Jaclyn Stone.
I'll sue your (bleep) off.
That is not what I sound like.
Jerkhead.
You are the worst person
I have ever met.
(sultry theme plays)
Okay, Muscleman, now.
COMPUTER: Powers detected.
(alarm bell ringing)
Powers detected.
Oh...
My baby's in jail?
No, it's okay, mama.
We're just illegally
helping someone escape.
Okay, then.
(suspenseful theme playing)
(grunts)
What are these,
million pound weights?
Million pound
weights, yeah.
(suspenseful theme playing)
(grunting)
Now I know how Prock feels
when he has to move a couch.
GUARD:
Nobody move!
GUARD:
Get down on the ground with
your hands behind your head.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
What's the backup plan?
Prock doesn't make
backup plans,
because he says his plans
always work the first time.
Obviously, I disagree.
So what? We can take them.
Everybody stay where you are.
GUARD:
This is your last warning.
Get down on the ground,
or you will be destroyed.
(dramatic theme playing)
We got to take them down.
No, we can't hurt them.
They're innocent.
They're just prison guards.
They're about to shoot us
with laser guns.
When do the good guys
ever use laser guns?
Nobody move a muscle.
Come on, hone.
GUARD:
On my order.
I'm going for it.
Wait.
Excuse me.
Am I in the right place?
I was told to come
to these coordinates
for my second interview,
which is-- Uhh!
(gasps)
I got a delivery here
of thirty pounds of shrimp.
Somebody gonna sign?
(dramatic theme playing)
(guards screaming)
GUARD:
Help me! Help me!
Oh, no! No!
(all chattering)
That was incredible.
(giggles)
Oh, my God. Shut up.
No, it's not.
I'm serious. Look it up.
The Rhode Island Museum
of Stamps. I know the curator.
I'll see you Saturday.
Oh, uh, hey, guys.
(panting):
Whew. Big boy.
Wow, that was close.
But way to go, Prock.
Oh, that? That was just
the kind of thing
that happens to me
all the time.
Well, we're
very proud of you.
And I owe all of you
a debt of gratitude.
That was some top notch work.
You should've seen it, Prock.
Concierge had a backup plan
to your plan.
She saved the day.
It really was perfect.
I can't think of someone
with superpowers
who could've done better.
Well, in that case,
let me be
the first to welcome
the newest official member
of The Awesomes...
AWESOMES: Concierge.
Perfect Man. Oh.
Y'all... Wow.
I don't know what to say.
Oh, and I made you this.
(dramatic theme playing)
I can't believe this.
Yeah, me either.
I thought your outfit would
definitely show more skin.
What do you think, boss?
I think we got ourselves
an awesome new Awesome.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Kudos, Concierge.
Ooh, I should get going.
Maury and I have movie night
every Tuesday.
Perfect Man,
you can't leave.
Hm? Right,
the treason thing.
You can stay here with us
until we clear your name.
Although if you are going to
be here, I'll need you to take
a racial sensitivity
training course.
That's probably
a good idea.
And try not
to get hypnotized
and take over
the world again, okay?
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
I think I can manage that.
I mean, it's not like
Dr. Malocchio
is still alive, right?
(both laughing)
(dramatic theme playing)
(all laughing)
I really hope
he's not secretly alive.
Imagine that.
What are we laughing
about?
(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪
a lot of time.
Our charter requires
a minimum of 7 members,
or else the government's
gonna pull our funding.
We're lucky they're giving us
extra time
to find Hotwire's replacement.
We can never replace Hotwire.
I thought that's what
we were doing.
Hotwire's dead.
We need to replace her.
Shh!
So we're not picking
a new Awesome
because Hotwire's dead?
Stop saying "dead."
Shh.
Oh, right. Prock is sad because
he was in love with Hotwire,
but she died, so now we're
replacing the dead Hotwire
with a live person
because she's dead.
Got it. When you're confused,
it helps to talk things through.
Personally, I think any one of
these Adonises would be perfect.
Did somebody say
"perfect"?
Hey, Perfect Man. All right.
Oh, wow.
Were you just hiding behind
a curtain for an hour
waiting for someone
to say "perfect"?
I've come to offer
my reinstatement
as a member of The Awesomes.
I think we could really benefit
from having someone like me
on the team.
He was waiting behind here
for an hour.
Going solo isn't all
it's cracked up to be.
You have to do
all your own paperwork,
and nobody ever
restocks the fridge.
And my credit's not great, so
it's hard to get office space.
This is amazing. You're my
favorite superhero of all time.
Thanks, little guy. Maybe one
day you can be on the team too.
No way. Really?
Now, wait a minute.
You don't get
to just come back
and ride the coattails
of our success.
This is our team now.
We rebuilt it from nothing,
so don't expect us to just
roll out the red--
(all cheering)
PERFECT MAN:
You're welcome. Thank you.
You guys are too much.
Welcome to the team.
(dramatic theme playing)
Well, if it isn't
Joyce Mandrake.
I'm sorry to say
you're too late.
We have a new member, so you
don't have to pull our funding.
That's great.
Oh, and also, Perfect Man,
you're under arrest for treason.
ALL: What?
(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪
♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels so awesome ♪
Perfect Man,
for your association
with the known traitor
Dr. Malocchio
and your role in his recent
government takeover,
you are being charged
with high treason
against the United States
of America.
You can't be serious.
I was under Dr. Malocchio's
mind control.
My mind
was being controlled.
Well, I'm afraid not everyone
believes that story.
Let me sort it out
with the president.
Playing golf this weekend.
I'm sorry, Perfect Man.
The order comes directly
from the White House.
There must be
some mistake.
We were just out to dinner
last night.
(line ringing)
Hey, Maury, it's P Man.
So I'm hearing this crazy rumor
that you ordered my--
You did? For treason?
You sure?
Oh, I get it.
Right. Well, always a pleasure
to talk to you.
Ha, ha. Hm.
(gunfire, explosion)
He's going to need
a good lawyer.
Hey, Prock,
aren't you a lawyer?
I do mostly contracts.
Fine.
Injured on the job?
Got a deadbeat dad?
Did you boss touch your butt?
Stop complaining
and call me, Jaclyn Stone.
I'll sue their (bleep) off.
That's who we're up against,
Jaclyn Stone.
She's the best
in the biz.
That's what lawyers call
the business.
I don't understand.
How could Maury
do this to me?
The president's
come under a lot of fire
since letting the world get
taken over by a supervillain.
Malocchio can't answer for
his crimes because he's dead.
The country needs to point
the finger at someone,
and that someone is you.
Why can't it be
someone else?
How about Gadget Gal?
She's a menace.
Don't worry, Perfect Man.
I'm a very good lawyer.
But now I need to make you
into a good client.
First I'm going to teach you
how to connect with the jury.
They and they alone decide
your guilt or innocence.
I've prepared
these cardboard cutouts--
Why?
If there's no jury,
they can't find me guilty.
They can bring in another jury.
Another jury?
It's like the legal system
has thought of everything.
Also, those are cutouts
you can just buy in a store.
It took me like a day to make
those. Know what? Never mind.
Let's move on to some practice
cross-examination.
Now I'm going to ask you some
questions as Ms. Stone. Ahem.
Perfect Man, how do you
respond to allegations
that you had a friendly
relationship with Dr. Malocchio?
Well, Ms. Stone,
hm, nice try,
but everyone knows
I would never trust an Italian.
They have crime in their blood,
crime and tomato sauce.
Okay, as a rule,
racial stereotypes
don't play well with juries.
Right, right.
I mean, um...
I love Italians. Some of
my best friends are Italian.
Like my good dear Italian
friend, uh, Dr. Malocchio.
Let's just start over.
Good call.
There's plenty of races I have
much stronger opinions about.
I'll prepare a list
in case they ask me.
(dramatic theme playing)
(men screaming)
So you can turn into
a bunch of bees?
Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah, it's cool,
but we have a lot of people
trying out. There's a high bar.
But I think I'm everything
you would want in a hero.
It says in your file
that you don't like shellfish.
No, I'm allergic
to shellfish.
There was an incident
at Red Lobster.
You lost control of your powers
and stung dozens of people.
Uh, it happened once
about 15 years ago.
It's not really
a problem anymore.
I just stay away
from seafood restaurants.
Wait, you can't get down
with some crawdads?
No. No.
Lobster tail?
Snow crab legs?
I can't eat any shellfish.
We'll be in touch.
(dramatic theme playing)
Oh, hey, Metal Fella.
Hey.
Hey, uh, I didn't get a chance
to thank you the other day
for saving my life.
Oh, um, no problem.
I really thought you were
some kind of evil vigilante,
and I'm sorry for
misjudging you. Are we cool?
We cool for sure, bro.
"For sure, bro"?
Uh, I really got to work
on my guy talk.
It's just I've been under
a lot of stress lately,
and I haven't been
sleeping well.
Uh-huh.
And someone I really cared about
betrayed me, but then after
they tried to make things right
they just vanished
from my life,
and so I have a lot of
mixed emotions about that.
Yes, well, I'm sure that if, uh,
this person were still around,
they would feel really bad
about everything
and definitely try
to win back your trust.
You think?
Oh, totally.
They'd probably want
to talk to you about it too,
but, uh, still need some time
to figure things out first.
Huh.
You know, or...
That's just one theory.
Who knows? Right, dog? Pound it.
Hey, listen,
we're actually looking
for a new team member
right now.
I don't suppose you'd consider
trading in the solo act
and joining The Awesomes.
I, uh... I'm sorry.
I can't.
Oh, no. No, it's cool.
You got your own thing going.
I got to get up there,
but we'll grab a drink later?
Yeah, totally, dude.
Peace out.
"Totally, dude"?
"Peace out"?
What? Ohh, that was...
I got to rewatch Swingers
or something.
So in your expert opinion
as an accomplished psychologist
and expert on mind control,
you believe the evidence
clearly shows
Perfect Man was acting
of his own accord?
Yes, that's correct.
No further questions.
Your witness.
Dr. Johansson,
surely like all of us,
you saw the events in question
on the news
and witnessed Perfect Man's
glowing red eyes,
a tell-tale sign
of mind control?
Yes, but I believe
in this case,
that was caused
by other factors,
such as pinkeye
or color contacts.
Hm, colored contacts.
My client is accused of
shooting lasers from his eyes
many times during
these alleged crimes.
How could so-called colored
contacts sustain repeated blasts
from high-powered
lasers?
Well, there are
several possibilities.
I brought with me today
a pair of red contacts.
Perfect Man?
They don't fit. I'm innocent.
(all gasp)
No. That's not what
I'm trying to show.
Oh, well, you got
to tell me this stuff.
I did tell you.
Now put in the contacts.
Everyone stand back.
Ohh.
Do you not see,
Dr. Johansson,
that a single
low-powered laser beam
has completely disintegrated
the contacts in question?
Um...
As for your other explanation,
is it not true that pinkeye
is caused by adenovirus,
which the superhero gene
that all superheroes have
grants immunity from?
Yes, that's correct, but--
And is it not true
that you got your diploma
not in psychology,
but in pie-cology,
the study of pies?
(crowd gasps)
And due to a typo
in your diploma,
you've been pretending to be
a psychologist ever since?
It's true! It's true!
I'm a fraud.
But my pies are delightful.
You really must try them.
Your witness.
For my next witness, I would
like to call Perfect Man.
(dramatic theme plays)
Dutch people,
the French, obviously,
Argentinean, Pacific Islander,
Atlantic Islander,
which is like Nantucket
or Martha's Vineyard,
and Asians.
But I have no problem,
and I repeat, no problem
with Asian girls.
Thank you very much
for listing all of the races
you're "not sold on,"
but my question was,
please state your name
and your occupation.
Oh. Perfect Man,
superhero.
Hm, you don't seem like
much of a hero to me.
Ha, ha, ha. Well, you obviously
don't know me very well then.
I know that.
From what we've heard today,
it seems like you don't do
pretty much anything
unless the big bad
Dr. Malocchio forces you to.
That is not true.
You're basically just a puppet.
And now that
your master is gone,
you do what,
melt people's ice cream?
No, I am very powerful.
Everything I did
for Dr. Malocchio,
I did of my own accord.
It was me doing it.
I was responsible
for everything.
(crowd gasps)
And...scene.
That was a monologue
from my client's one man show
Perfectly Hilarious,
which takes place
in a fictional courtroom.
And now that
he's done reciting it,
we can all resume
the trial.
Your honor, we find
the defendant guilty.
I think that's supposed to
happen later, but sure, why not?
Guilty!
How could he be
such a bad witness?
Well, you know, Perfect Man,
his pride is his weakness.
The racism is new to me though.
Not that I would know
or have dated him or-- I--
You did a great job.
Thanks, Metal Fella.
Hey, I was thinking about that
girl you were telling me about.
Uh, what was her name? Hotwire?
Yeah?
Well, maybe she did
really like you, a lot.
Maybe it was hard for her
to express
because of the cognitive
dissonance of having to choose
between her father's approval
and the love of the man her
father was trying to destroy.
And only later,
when it was too late,
did she truly realize
that you were the one for her.
Wow, that's really
insightful, actually.
Not anything like
the typical advice
I usually get
from my other guy friends.
Oh, yeah, right.
No, no, no.
I'm totally a guy
in the most typical way.
Yeah, what I meant to say was,
you got to slam some new chicks.
You feel me? Pound it.
Yeah, you're right,
but the only girl in here
is that prosecutor.
She's cute though.
Her?
Oh, man, don't waste
your time on that.
Really?
Oh, yeah, talk about way--
She's reading
David Foster Wallace at a bar.
Ugh. Snoozeville,
population, her. Am I right?
Heh. Yeah.
From the lady.
So, what's the angle?
No angle.
I just thought you should
buy someone a drink
after you've (bleep) them
in the (bleep).
Wow.
I will tell you though,
it is refreshing to have to try
at least a little.
Compared to most lawyers
I go up against,
you're Clarence Darrow.
Of course, compared to me,
you're a (bleep) idiot.
Ha. Well, if it wasn't
for my client,
I'm pretty sure I'd be
buying you a drink right now.
You know, because
you buy someone a drink
after you've (bleep)--
Why am I talking like this?
If I tell you a secret,
do you promise not to tell?
(laughing)
(computer reading
on-screen text)
Hey, crew.
Um, hey, Metal Fella.
You dudes getting
some brew-ha-has?
Yeah, um...
You want something?
No, thanks.
Don't want to drink and fly.
(laughs weakly)
Hey, Metal Fella, weren't you
saying there was a heist
you needed to stop
or something?
Actually, it's okay.
I should leave.
You guys have
some guy time.
No, it's fine.
You can stay.
See you soon,
counselor.
Wow. Come on, man,
I was killing it over here.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize--
It's okay. I get it.
You're a loner.
But maybe next time try
to pick up on some social cues.
(dramatic theme plays)
So your power is...
you can absorb the powers
of anyone you can see?
Let me show you.
(dramatic theme playing)
(grunts)
But what if you absorb the
powers of a 10-year-old girl?
Why would I absorb the powers
of a 10-year-old girl?
Next.
Uh, is there anyone coming
that's not completely useless?
GADGET GAL: Not yet.
Hey, guys.
Hey, buddy.
How's the trial going?
Oh, I lost.
ALL: What?
When were you going to tell us?
Guys, seriously, I'm fine.
I mean, sometimes you lose,
so you deal with it.
I did have a long talk with
the prosecutor, and she is--
Oh, you're worried
about Perfect Man.
Prock, you said
you'd get him off.
I did my best.
That's so not fair.
Perfect Man was going to teach
me how to throw a curve ball.
Ow! What the hell?
It was supposed to curve.
Guys, relax.
He's a first time offender.
He'll probably
just get probation.
For being found guilty
of treason,
Perfect Man was sentenced to
500 years in the Pharmacy Zone.
(all gasp)
Not the Pharmacy Zone.
That's right,
the Pharmacy Zone,
an alternative dimension
where criminals
too dangerous for prison
spend their time waiting
in line forever at a pharmacy.
I'm sorry. I can't find
your insurance in our database.
What do you mean?
It's a platinum plan.
The Pharmacy Zone
is operated by Shuman's
Prison Alternatives.
If it's not a prison,
it's a Shuman.
(both sobbing)
Okay, look.
It's awful,
and I'm sorry,
but there's nothing we can do
at this point, so--
Yes, there is.
We can break him out.
ALL: Yeah.
He's being held
at the Maximus Penitentiary
until tomorrow,
when they do the transfer.
We have 24 hours.
Um, that's illegal.
I mean,
I don't want to have to
represent all of you next time.
Prock, seriously? You're just
going to let Perfect Man
get sent to the Pharmacy Zone?
He's a team member.
Yeah, for like one second.
Plus, all he has to do is
wait in line at the pharmacy.
Who cares? I have
to do that every Wednesday
to get my asthma medication.
So Perfect Man's life
will be like Prock's?
(both sobbing)
It just keeps getting worse.
All right.
We can rescue him.
All right. Oh, good.
I hope he's okay.
I'm sure he's fine.
Ow!
MAN:
Hey, Perfect Man.
We heard you don't like
Atlantic Islanders.
First things first. We need
to find the blueprints.
I'll get them tattooed
on my back.
Um, okay.
Wait, Prock,
we have to be careful.
Since Perfect Man
was on the team,
we'll probably be
the top suspects.
We need an alibi.
I could take that prosecutor
to dinner.
I think she might be into me.
Prock's right.
If our team leader
is seen
with such a high-profile
public figure
at the time of the break out,
they'll never suspect us.
Just make sure she doesn't
leave after 20 minutes
like all your other dates.
We need at least a half an hour.
I think I can make a date
last a half an hour.
Just don't tell
the Rhode Island story.
Oh, it's a great story.
I haven't heard it.
No.
So this one time,
I was driving from
Massachusetts to New York--
ALL: Ugh.
Fine. I'll tell you later.
So according
to the blueprints,
Tomorrowland is
right next to Frontierland--
Frantic, this is a map
of Disney World.
Oh, sorry.
Frontierland is
nowhere near Tomorrowland.
I'm not going to be there,
so you need to follow
my plan exactly.
You're dealing with a place
designed to hold supervillains.
An alarm will go off
anytime you use superpowers
anywhere within the walls,
which means you have
to get into the prison
as regular people and visit
an unsuspecting inmate.
Let's say our very dear
close friend Horticulture.
So, Horticulture,
what's going on?
Um, not much.
How's life, man?
HORTICULTURE:
So you're my long-lost cousins?
GADGET GAL: Oh, sure.
IMPRESARIO: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HORTICULTURE:
It was an actual tree
fell on that guy.
(suspenseful theme playing)
Oh, hey, Jerry,
we were supposed to be
in the C block 10 minutes ago.
Well, it's been great
catching up with you, Hortie,
but we got to go get
some, uh, plant food.
And rain water.
And then we saw the sign,
"Welcome to Connecticut."
And just like that,
we had left Rhode Island, eh?
I can't believe I'm saying this
after only 20 minutes,
but I think I'm going
to get out of here.
No, wait. Um...
So this is fun.
Well, enough about me.
How about you?
What do you do for a living?
I'm a lawyer.
Oh, right.
(suspenseful theme playing)
Hey, man, they want you
down on level three.
Huh? Okay.
Right on cue.
Okay, all the guards
from here to Perfect Man
have been reassigned
to different sections.
Wow, great work, Concierge.
Do we really need ten guards
watching Speed Reader?
I mean, his power is
like speed reading.
Got to respect
the schedule.
(suspenseful theme playing)
Guys, you came for me.
Of course. You're one of us.
Thanks, friend.
Though I'm still going
to do this.
Cut it out.
I'm sorry.
Did you say
get the other ear?
Aw, come on, Muscleman,
you know I didn't.
Okay, it's been 26 minutes.
26? Really?
I think that's a record.
I mean, one time, a date
lasted three hours,
but that's mostly because
her car broke down
and the guy from AAA
kept getting the address wrong.
Best night of my life.
You have a lot of stories
about cars breaking down.
Um, two stories.
And you try finding
a good mechanic in Providence.
Okay, Prock, it's been fun,
but you are a boring (bleep),
and I never want
to see you again.
Has it been 30 minutes yet?
Twenty-seven.
You know what?
Then just go.
I don't want to date
someone like you anyway.
If that makes you feel better,
go with that.
I'm serious. You put
an innocent man behind bars
just to promote
your career.
What kind of person
would do that?
Maybe this is hard for you
to understand,
since your only superpower
seems to be
telling the world's
most boring story,
but people with real
superpowers can be dangerous.
Do you think I don't know that?
He broke the law.
I dedicate my life
to fighting supervillains.
I bet
they're really scared.
I'm Jaclyn Stone.
I'll sue your (bleep) off.
That is not what I sound like.
Jerkhead.
You are the worst person
I have ever met.
(sultry theme plays)
Okay, Muscleman, now.
COMPUTER: Powers detected.
(alarm bell ringing)
Powers detected.
Oh...
My baby's in jail?
No, it's okay, mama.
We're just illegally
helping someone escape.
Okay, then.
(suspenseful theme playing)
(grunts)
What are these,
million pound weights?
Million pound
weights, yeah.
(suspenseful theme playing)
(grunting)
Now I know how Prock feels
when he has to move a couch.
GUARD:
Nobody move!
GUARD:
Get down on the ground with
your hands behind your head.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
What's the backup plan?
Prock doesn't make
backup plans,
because he says his plans
always work the first time.
Obviously, I disagree.
So what? We can take them.
Everybody stay where you are.
GUARD:
This is your last warning.
Get down on the ground,
or you will be destroyed.
(dramatic theme playing)
We got to take them down.
No, we can't hurt them.
They're innocent.
They're just prison guards.
They're about to shoot us
with laser guns.
When do the good guys
ever use laser guns?
Nobody move a muscle.
Come on, hone.
GUARD:
On my order.
I'm going for it.
Wait.
Excuse me.
Am I in the right place?
I was told to come
to these coordinates
for my second interview,
which is-- Uhh!
(gasps)
I got a delivery here
of thirty pounds of shrimp.
Somebody gonna sign?
(dramatic theme playing)
(guards screaming)
GUARD:
Help me! Help me!
Oh, no! No!
(all chattering)
That was incredible.
(giggles)
Oh, my God. Shut up.
No, it's not.
I'm serious. Look it up.
The Rhode Island Museum
of Stamps. I know the curator.
I'll see you Saturday.
Oh, uh, hey, guys.
(panting):
Whew. Big boy.
Wow, that was close.
But way to go, Prock.
Oh, that? That was just
the kind of thing
that happens to me
all the time.
Well, we're
very proud of you.
And I owe all of you
a debt of gratitude.
That was some top notch work.
You should've seen it, Prock.
Concierge had a backup plan
to your plan.
She saved the day.
It really was perfect.
I can't think of someone
with superpowers
who could've done better.
Well, in that case,
let me be
the first to welcome
the newest official member
of The Awesomes...
AWESOMES: Concierge.
Perfect Man. Oh.
Y'all... Wow.
I don't know what to say.
Oh, and I made you this.
(dramatic theme playing)
I can't believe this.
Yeah, me either.
I thought your outfit would
definitely show more skin.
What do you think, boss?
I think we got ourselves
an awesome new Awesome.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Kudos, Concierge.
Ooh, I should get going.
Maury and I have movie night
every Tuesday.
Perfect Man,
you can't leave.
Hm? Right,
the treason thing.
You can stay here with us
until we clear your name.
Although if you are going to
be here, I'll need you to take
a racial sensitivity
training course.
That's probably
a good idea.
And try not
to get hypnotized
and take over
the world again, okay?
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
I think I can manage that.
I mean, it's not like
Dr. Malocchio
is still alive, right?
(both laughing)
(dramatic theme playing)
(all laughing)
I really hope
he's not secretly alive.
Imagine that.
What are we laughing
about?
(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪