The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
Okay, if you're new
to The Awesomes,
here's what's
happened so far.
And now you're all caught up
on The Awesomes.
(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪
♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels so awesome ♪
I am Dr. Giuseppe Malocchio,
and this is my last will
and testament.
If you are watching this,
30 days have gone by
since my passing, which means
according to superhero law
I am, as of today,
officially a dead person.
(sobbing)
First of all, please tend
to my pets as soon as possible.
They have not had any food
or water for a month.
But do not mourn my passing,
for I have lived a full life,
and I'm ready for
the next great adventure.
Death is a time for reflection,
so I'd like to take
a moment to read a brief poem.
Ahem.
After a great pain
a formal feeling comes
The nerves sit
ceremonious like tombs--
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a--
All right, now let us begin.
To my sister Elizabeth,
I give my Southern Hemisphere
underground lair,
my Gaggenau dual flow
convection oven,
and my Stairmaster.
To my secretary, Janice,
who has always there
in my time of need,
I leave the Malocchio Ray,
my three ton laser
capable of destroying
an entire city.
A giant laser?
That'll definitely fit
in my studio apartment.
To my record producer
Larry Monoco,
I leave all the remaining copies
of my parody rap album,
"Malocchi Oh No You Didn't."
It never sold as well as
we thought it would, but, um,
you know, I still think
there are some songs on there
that we can be proud of.
To Kyle, my local
Starbucks barista,
I leave ten million dollars.
But I've spelled Kyle,
K-L-Y-I, so you get nothing!
Aw!
Moving on.
And please donate my body
to science,
but only if it's evil science.
And I think that should be
everything.
Oh, one more thing,
My dear son,
Giuseppi Malocchio Jr.
You're the one truly
moral person in our family.
That is why I'm giving you
my most important possession:
the last remaining vial
of my serum.
The serum that turned me
into who I am.
That can give you powers
beyond your wildest dreams,
but at the cost of turning you
toward evil forever.
My son, you must safeguard
this serum at all cost.
And it is up to you,
my dear, Giuseppi,
to keep it out
of the wrong hands,
to make sure no one uses it
to become the monster
I turned into many years ago
and have remained for
the greater part of my life,
although, if I'm being honest,
the monster years
were the fun ones.
Thank you and good night.
You'll be safe in here.
I'll never let
anyone evil get to you.
(dramatic theme playing)
PROCK:
So while it pains me to say it,
with the passage of 30 days,
the time has come
to replace Hotwire.
I asked you all to write down
the names of three heroes--
What? Where is ev--
REPORTER:
Once again,
the vigilante superhero
known as Metal Fella
has thwarted
yet another band of criminals.
Ugh, I hate vigilantes.
Relax, Prock,
it's not a contest.
That is twelve crimes stopped
by Metal Fella this month,
compared to four
for the Awesomes,
which means Metal Fella
is winning the contest.
ALL: Hey!
We have work to do.
We need to find
a new team member.
Maybe we should ask
Metal Fella to join the team.
Um, excuse me,
but the last I checked,
all superheroes are required
to be registered
with the Office
of Superhero Affairs.
You can't just put on a suit
and start saving people.
So you're upset he stopped
those criminals?
Alleged criminals.
That's the problem
with these vigilantes.
They jump to conclusions when we
don't even have all the facts.
They were pointing a gun at her.
And one of them said,
"Don't mess with me,
I'm a criminal."
Until we have all the facts,
we just don't know.
Yeah, maybe she's the one
who was attacking them.
Exactly.
Or maybe it didn't even happen,
and we're not even
watching the news,
and it's just tiny people
putting on a play inside our TV.
Well, no, it's not that.
It's never that.
Well, I think this Metal Fella
is a tall drink of water.
He's like a hard, shiny
Burt Lancaster.
I'll tell you, after
what I'd like to do to him,
he'd better hope
that suit is rust-resistant.
If you're saying
what I think you're saying,
he'd probably
take off the suit first.
No. Leave it on.
(alarm buzzes)
ALARM:
Bank robbery in progress.
Let's go.
(grunts)
This looks like a job for...
The Awesomes.
What does?
Whatever job you have.
Well, I guess you guys could,
I don't know, clean up the mess.
Great.
Oh, baby, that Metal Fella
is a true hero.
(whistling)
MALOCCHIO JR.:
Morning, Carol.
Today's the big day.
(laughs)
I think I'm gonna get
that promotion.
I've been working harder
than everyone else,
staying later
than everyone else.
Heck, forty percent
of our revenue
comes from my accounts.
Yeah, I got a good feeling
about this.
Attention, everyone.
Uh, we've decided
we are giving
the big promotion to...
all of you!
(all cheering)
Except for Malocchio.
Oh.
We wish we could've
given it to everyone,
but we could only
give it to everyone
except for one person.
Well, congrats, everyone.
I'm buying all of you a beer.
Ugh.
(dramatic theme playing)
I can't believe we're going
to Hotwire's memorial.
I--I don't know
what to expect.
I expect we'll eat
delicious cookies.
Why would you
think that?
What else would you do
at a mmm-Oreo?
Okay, it's not a "mmm-Oreo."
It's a memorial.
We're going to honor
the memory of our lost friend.
Got it. I will bring
my own cookies.
Or go an hour
without cookies.
It's all just
so surreal.
Sometimes at night,
I'll wake up
and think she's lying
next to me.
That's weird,
because she was never lying
next to you at night
while she was alive.
Hey, Hotwire died
saving the world.
And saving your life.
The best way to honor her memory
is to just go on with our lives.
Thanks, Muscleman.
Of course.
And thank you for letting me
borrow your tie.
Unh!
(somber theme playing)
Losing a child is the hardest
thing a parent can face.
It is different
from losing a tissue
or losing a wallet,
which is not as hard.
I am all alone now, except
for my son, Malocchio Jr.,
who is an accountant
and is afraid of butterflies.
And we sit here
remembering my Katherine,
who is like a butterfly.
(gasps)
Don't be scared, baby.
It's just a metaphor.
Her brightly colored wings
outstretched,
her head is the head of a bug,
as she flies off, free,
into the night.
Bumpy start,
but she saved it at the end.
WOMAN:
Mmm, ha, ha, ha.
You brought a date
to your girlfriend's funeral?
It's what Hotwire
could have wanted.
Mmm.
That was a beautiful speech,
Lady Malocchio.
Thank you. And good for you
that you have the inner strength
to move on
with a new girlfriend
right after the old one
got blowed up.
It wasn't easy.
There will always be
a spot in my heart
reserved for Carmen.
Katherine.
No, I'm talking about Carmen.
I'm gonna get a drink.
One club soda, please.
Hey.
Hey.
Your sister
was an amazing girl.
Yeah, she sure was.
And it's like,
everyone's ignoring the fact
that what he's doing
is like completely illegal.
Well, I'm on your side.
That Metal Fella
sounds like a real pain.
Prock seems drunk.
How much has he had?
He's still on his first.
You know,
you and I are the same.
But we're also different.
My dad was
the world's biggest hero,
yours was
the world's worst villain.
But even though Malocchio
was your dad,
you chose the normal life.
Me?
I tried that too.
But in the end, anything
that wasn't being a superhero
was just soul-crushingly
boring to me.
But you're okay
with a normal life,
and I respect you
so much for that.
I need that rush, but
you're fine crunching numbers
and making small talk
with Jim from accounting.
Well, it's an accounting firm.
So everyone's from accounting.
We just call him "Jim."
And I'm sure you're the top dog
at your firm.
Actually, everyone
just got a promotion but me.
But you didn't care.
You were probably like,
"Walk all over me, everyone,
because I am good
with who I am."
I did take
everyone out for a beer.
And I bet they laughed
behind your back when you did.
I bet Carol did.
And what's so great is,
you could have been feared
like your father,
with immense power,
the whole world
in the palm of your hand.
But you said, "No, thanks."
You didn't want a life where
every day was an adventure,
an adventure of evil.
Uh-huh.
You didn't want to steal
all the gold in the world
and make a giant gold watch,
just because.
Right, my dad
did that one time.
And the last thing
you would ever want to do
was show all the people
that have taken you for granted
that you're better
than they are.
You know what?
I'll be right back.
He seems nice.
(dramatic theme playing)
(grunts)
(coughing)
(gasps, grunts)
(chuckling)
(shrieking)
Okay, it's time to put a stop
to this Metal Fella menace
once and for all.
It's simple.
We pretend to rob this store,
which lures Metal Fella
here to try and stop us,
and then,
using teamwork, we trap him.
I don't know. This just doesn't
seem like a very good idea.
Plus I don't even want
to catch Metal Fella.
He seems nice,
and he makes
a pleasant whirring sound
when he walks.
It may seem nice now,
but when vigilantes
flout the law,
people can get hurt.
Now let's run into this store
and wave guns around.
MAN:
Aah!
(dramatic theme playing)
Got him!
Frantic!
What happened to teamwork?
I'm sorry, Prock,
but all I care about now...
is what happened to my net.
My sweet, sweet net.
LADY MALOCCHIO:
You wanna be a superhero?
Villain!
Supervillain, like dad.
But we spent all that money
on accounting school.
Ugh. I don't know why
I thought you'd understand.
I just don't get it.
Your job had such good benefits.
Do you think
they'd take you back?
Considering that last night
I destroyed their office
with my powers, probably not.
Well, Linda's son
works at Kesington Parker.
I'll give her a call.
No, mom. This is what I do now.
Okay, what do you think?
I'm gonna call myself
The Auditor, or maybe CPA.
And right before
I attack someone,
I'll make a funny
accounting quip like,
"I hope you have
all your deductions in order."
Or "You do the math."
Oh. That's funny.
(sighs)
Where are you going?
I'm gonna attack
a bunch of people,
and then I'm gonna
destroy the city,
and then I'm gonna
take down the Awesomes,
the greatest superheroes
in the world.
Okay.
Well, take my magic flying bag.
Won't this look
too girly on me?
No, It's unisex.
It will look like
a messenger bag.
Ah. Okay, thanks.
(all grunting)
IMPRESARIO:
Move out the...
We all tried to go through
the door at the same time.
(all grunting)
Okay, you know what?
(all grunting)
I found him.
CONCIERGE:
Alexander Price.
Billionaire, philanthropist,
accomplished pilot,
and amateur MMA champion.
Price started his career at 19
when he developed a technology
to turn people's old cell phones
into clean water
for African villagers.
Within three years, Price
was the fifteenth richest man
in the country, earning
a reputation as playboy
and the most eligible bachelor
in the clean water world.
But then overnight,
he suddenly became a recluse
and withdrew into
his fortress-like compound
at the top of Eldon Hill.
And I'm not sure
why anyone would care,
but he is our leading suspect
for the identity of Metal Fella.
The only thing I can't
figure out is the energy source.
To power a suit like this
would take the energy
of a small power plant.
But I'll have an answer
soon enough,
because tonight,
Alexander Price is making
an exceedingly rare
public appearance
at a clean water event
at the Natural History Museum.
Wow, I'm so excited.
Ugh.
Now that the mystery's gone,
I just don't feel it anymore.
I don't want a face.
I want a featureless
metal panel.
MALOCCHIO JR.:
Excuse me.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, I'm going to attack you now.
Uh...
Hope you have all your
deductions in order. Ha, ha!
(people muttering)
You wouldn't want to have
to borrow from your 401K to...
Subsidize your...
Ah, never mind.
(shrieking)
(people screaming)
Look out!
It's the Girly Shrieker!
No, actually,
I'm the Auditor!
Or maybe CPA, still deciding.
He has a purse!
Help! Someone help us!
It's Purseman!
What?
No, it's a messenger bag!
What does the "A" stand for?
Uh, maybe asexual?
Because he's kind of like
a man, but kind of like a woman.
That's not
what asexual means.
English isn't
my first language.
(shrieks)
(dramatic theme playing)
Metal Fella better not
beat us there this time.
(shrieking)
(shrieking)
(Malocchio Jr. chuckling evilly
)
I was once like you,
just a simple accountant.
But I chose to follow
in my father's footsteps.
To be feared
with immense power,
to have the whole world
in the palm of my hand.
Heh. Note to self,
stop drinking mudslides,
am I right?
But now I'm gonna do
the one thing my father
was never able to accomplish.
I will attack Awesome Mountain
and destroy The Awesomes.
(laughing evilly)
PROCK:
Okay, here's the plan.
Half of us will go confront
Alexander Price,
while the other half stays here
to deal with Malocchio Jr.
Um, seriously?
Don't you remember?
We talked about this earlier.
Oh, you mean earlier,
as in before that Malocchio Jr.
destroyed an entire city block
with his feminine yell?
And vowed to kill all of us
and destroy Awesome Mountain?
Or do you not remember
that happening?
Right. So Gadget Gal,
Muscleman, Impresario, and Sumo,
you come with me to the museum.
Frantic, you stay here
and stop Malocchio Jr.
PROCK:
I just don't even know
why I try anymore.
I mean, am I the only person
who has any respect for the law?
(suspenseful theme playing)
(chuckling evilly)
Okay, we need to find
Malocchio Jr.
How do we do that?
Why don't we stake out
a purse store?
Yeah!
Yeah. I like that.
And then when he comes,
I'll catch him with my net.
Oh, right.
My sweet, sweet net.
Guess we're back
to square one.
So did you make up
this whole event
just to lure me here?
Or does, like,
no one care about clean water?
Both.
I knew you hated Metal Fella
and would do anything
to stop him.
And come on, Alexander Price
is the obvious choice,
so I made you think
you'd find him here tonight.
Ugh. Well,
do what you want with me,
but know that the rest
of The Awesomes are safe.
Awesome Mountain is equipped
with a noise cancellation
shield.
My dad set it up
when they were doing
construction across the street.
That's where you come in.
You see, you are going
to give me the code
that deactivates
that shield.
And why would I do that?
I'm glad you asked.
Hotwire!
You're alive!
I can't believe it!
Oh, my God, it's really you!
Well, I could not be happier.
I mean, there's a few things
I would change.
Yes, my sister is alive.
But not for long
if you don't cooperate.
Ha, ha, ha!
(knock on door)
Hey, I'm here for
the clean water thing.
I saw the sign out front.
I'm just gonna go.
MALOCCHIO JR.:
So what's it going to be, Prock?
Do you give me the shield code,
or do you let Hotwire perish!
Stop. Okay, I have
to save Hotwire's life,
I have no choice. But I don't
want to betray my teammates.
Plus, saving someone's life
might seem like
I'm coming on pretty strong.
I don't want to push Hotwire
back into the friend zone.
Maybe I'll be like...
"Hey, Hotwire.
Oh, I saved your life?
Didn't even realize."
Yeah, perfect.
Problem solved.
Oh, except for how to not
kill all my friends.
Well, even if I do deactivate
the noise cancellation shield,
they should still be protected
by the auxiliary defense shield.
Okay, it's settled.
Start. Here's your code.
Hey, guys, I just deactivated
our auxiliary defense shield.
It'll save us $80 a month
on electricity.
Terrific!
Good work!
Looks like we can manage things
pretty well even without Prock.
(shrieks)
Can't believe
I betrayed my team.
But it will all be worth it if
Hotwire gets out of this alive.
Oh, yeah, I made that up.
Wow. That was
a really good mask.
Now I'm gonna destroy
The Awesomes,
and you'll have
a front row seat.
MUSCLEMAN:
Welcome to our home.
Can I get you something?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Aah!
(heroic theme playing)
(Malocchio Jr. shrieks)
(shrieks)
(shrieks)
(Tim yelling)
(shrieking)
Looks like you guys
could use a hand.
Oh, great,
just what I need.
(dramatic theme playing)
(shrieking)
You were right, Prock.
What do you mean?
When you said we were the same.
It doesn't matter
that we're smarter than them,
that we're better than them,
they just won't listen.
We do everything right,
and all everyone does
is walk all over us.
MALOCCHIO JR.:
Join me, Prock.
Together we can rule the world.
No one will ever
take us for granted again.
Suit yourself.
But look around you, Prock.
In about 10 minutes,
you won't have anything left
to live for. Heh, heh, heh.
(dramatic theme playing)
I am all alone now,
except for my son Malocchio Jr.,
who is an accountant
and is afraid of butterflies.
That's it!
Frantic!
Go find some butterflies.
But my net has a hole in it.
Just get them
and throw them at Malocchio Jr.
FRANTIC:
Sorry!
(screaming)
(roars)
(gasping, yelling)
Oh, no.
(shrieks)
(coughing)
(exhaling weakly)
Oh, no!
I can't do it anymore!
You broke my voice!
Nice messenger bag.
MALOCCHIO JR.:
Thank you!
Great idea with
the butterflies, Prock.
Aw, really?
Thanks!
And sorry I broke
your arm up there.
Ah, it's okay.
I'm a fan
of what you guys do.
Well, I'm a fan of what you do.
You're the best.
Man, I was wrong
about Metal Fella.
What a cool dude.
(vacuum cleaner whirring)
Hey, maybe we should
focus on vacuuming
after we fix
the huge holes in the wall.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Not that Prock turned
Malocchio Jr. evil
or that Prock gave up the code
to disable our shield.
It's that I'm vacuuming!
(sighs)
Don't worry, Prock.
We'll get this place
back like new
in no time.
It's not that.
It's just...
For one minute I thought Hotwire
was actually alive.
(somber theme playing)
(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪
to The Awesomes,
here's what's
happened so far.
And now you're all caught up
on The Awesomes.
(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪
♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels so awesome ♪
I am Dr. Giuseppe Malocchio,
and this is my last will
and testament.
If you are watching this,
30 days have gone by
since my passing, which means
according to superhero law
I am, as of today,
officially a dead person.
(sobbing)
First of all, please tend
to my pets as soon as possible.
They have not had any food
or water for a month.
But do not mourn my passing,
for I have lived a full life,
and I'm ready for
the next great adventure.
Death is a time for reflection,
so I'd like to take
a moment to read a brief poem.
Ahem.
After a great pain
a formal feeling comes
The nerves sit
ceremonious like tombs--
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a--
All right, now let us begin.
To my sister Elizabeth,
I give my Southern Hemisphere
underground lair,
my Gaggenau dual flow
convection oven,
and my Stairmaster.
To my secretary, Janice,
who has always there
in my time of need,
I leave the Malocchio Ray,
my three ton laser
capable of destroying
an entire city.
A giant laser?
That'll definitely fit
in my studio apartment.
To my record producer
Larry Monoco,
I leave all the remaining copies
of my parody rap album,
"Malocchi Oh No You Didn't."
It never sold as well as
we thought it would, but, um,
you know, I still think
there are some songs on there
that we can be proud of.
To Kyle, my local
Starbucks barista,
I leave ten million dollars.
But I've spelled Kyle,
K-L-Y-I, so you get nothing!
Aw!
Moving on.
And please donate my body
to science,
but only if it's evil science.
And I think that should be
everything.
Oh, one more thing,
My dear son,
Giuseppi Malocchio Jr.
You're the one truly
moral person in our family.
That is why I'm giving you
my most important possession:
the last remaining vial
of my serum.
The serum that turned me
into who I am.
That can give you powers
beyond your wildest dreams,
but at the cost of turning you
toward evil forever.
My son, you must safeguard
this serum at all cost.
And it is up to you,
my dear, Giuseppi,
to keep it out
of the wrong hands,
to make sure no one uses it
to become the monster
I turned into many years ago
and have remained for
the greater part of my life,
although, if I'm being honest,
the monster years
were the fun ones.
Thank you and good night.
You'll be safe in here.
I'll never let
anyone evil get to you.
(dramatic theme playing)
PROCK:
So while it pains me to say it,
with the passage of 30 days,
the time has come
to replace Hotwire.
I asked you all to write down
the names of three heroes--
What? Where is ev--
REPORTER:
Once again,
the vigilante superhero
known as Metal Fella
has thwarted
yet another band of criminals.
Ugh, I hate vigilantes.
Relax, Prock,
it's not a contest.
That is twelve crimes stopped
by Metal Fella this month,
compared to four
for the Awesomes,
which means Metal Fella
is winning the contest.
ALL: Hey!
We have work to do.
We need to find
a new team member.
Maybe we should ask
Metal Fella to join the team.
Um, excuse me,
but the last I checked,
all superheroes are required
to be registered
with the Office
of Superhero Affairs.
You can't just put on a suit
and start saving people.
So you're upset he stopped
those criminals?
Alleged criminals.
That's the problem
with these vigilantes.
They jump to conclusions when we
don't even have all the facts.
They were pointing a gun at her.
And one of them said,
"Don't mess with me,
I'm a criminal."
Until we have all the facts,
we just don't know.
Yeah, maybe she's the one
who was attacking them.
Exactly.
Or maybe it didn't even happen,
and we're not even
watching the news,
and it's just tiny people
putting on a play inside our TV.
Well, no, it's not that.
It's never that.
Well, I think this Metal Fella
is a tall drink of water.
He's like a hard, shiny
Burt Lancaster.
I'll tell you, after
what I'd like to do to him,
he'd better hope
that suit is rust-resistant.
If you're saying
what I think you're saying,
he'd probably
take off the suit first.
No. Leave it on.
(alarm buzzes)
ALARM:
Bank robbery in progress.
Let's go.
(grunts)
This looks like a job for...
The Awesomes.
What does?
Whatever job you have.
Well, I guess you guys could,
I don't know, clean up the mess.
Great.
Oh, baby, that Metal Fella
is a true hero.
(whistling)
MALOCCHIO JR.:
Morning, Carol.
Today's the big day.
(laughs)
I think I'm gonna get
that promotion.
I've been working harder
than everyone else,
staying later
than everyone else.
Heck, forty percent
of our revenue
comes from my accounts.
Yeah, I got a good feeling
about this.
Attention, everyone.
Uh, we've decided
we are giving
the big promotion to...
all of you!
(all cheering)
Except for Malocchio.
Oh.
We wish we could've
given it to everyone,
but we could only
give it to everyone
except for one person.
Well, congrats, everyone.
I'm buying all of you a beer.
Ugh.
(dramatic theme playing)
I can't believe we're going
to Hotwire's memorial.
I--I don't know
what to expect.
I expect we'll eat
delicious cookies.
Why would you
think that?
What else would you do
at a mmm-Oreo?
Okay, it's not a "mmm-Oreo."
It's a memorial.
We're going to honor
the memory of our lost friend.
Got it. I will bring
my own cookies.
Or go an hour
without cookies.
It's all just
so surreal.
Sometimes at night,
I'll wake up
and think she's lying
next to me.
That's weird,
because she was never lying
next to you at night
while she was alive.
Hey, Hotwire died
saving the world.
And saving your life.
The best way to honor her memory
is to just go on with our lives.
Thanks, Muscleman.
Of course.
And thank you for letting me
borrow your tie.
Unh!
(somber theme playing)
Losing a child is the hardest
thing a parent can face.
It is different
from losing a tissue
or losing a wallet,
which is not as hard.
I am all alone now, except
for my son, Malocchio Jr.,
who is an accountant
and is afraid of butterflies.
And we sit here
remembering my Katherine,
who is like a butterfly.
(gasps)
Don't be scared, baby.
It's just a metaphor.
Her brightly colored wings
outstretched,
her head is the head of a bug,
as she flies off, free,
into the night.
Bumpy start,
but she saved it at the end.
WOMAN:
Mmm, ha, ha, ha.
You brought a date
to your girlfriend's funeral?
It's what Hotwire
could have wanted.
Mmm.
That was a beautiful speech,
Lady Malocchio.
Thank you. And good for you
that you have the inner strength
to move on
with a new girlfriend
right after the old one
got blowed up.
It wasn't easy.
There will always be
a spot in my heart
reserved for Carmen.
Katherine.
No, I'm talking about Carmen.
I'm gonna get a drink.
One club soda, please.
Hey.
Hey.
Your sister
was an amazing girl.
Yeah, she sure was.
And it's like,
everyone's ignoring the fact
that what he's doing
is like completely illegal.
Well, I'm on your side.
That Metal Fella
sounds like a real pain.
Prock seems drunk.
How much has he had?
He's still on his first.
You know,
you and I are the same.
But we're also different.
My dad was
the world's biggest hero,
yours was
the world's worst villain.
But even though Malocchio
was your dad,
you chose the normal life.
Me?
I tried that too.
But in the end, anything
that wasn't being a superhero
was just soul-crushingly
boring to me.
But you're okay
with a normal life,
and I respect you
so much for that.
I need that rush, but
you're fine crunching numbers
and making small talk
with Jim from accounting.
Well, it's an accounting firm.
So everyone's from accounting.
We just call him "Jim."
And I'm sure you're the top dog
at your firm.
Actually, everyone
just got a promotion but me.
But you didn't care.
You were probably like,
"Walk all over me, everyone,
because I am good
with who I am."
I did take
everyone out for a beer.
And I bet they laughed
behind your back when you did.
I bet Carol did.
And what's so great is,
you could have been feared
like your father,
with immense power,
the whole world
in the palm of your hand.
But you said, "No, thanks."
You didn't want a life where
every day was an adventure,
an adventure of evil.
Uh-huh.
You didn't want to steal
all the gold in the world
and make a giant gold watch,
just because.
Right, my dad
did that one time.
And the last thing
you would ever want to do
was show all the people
that have taken you for granted
that you're better
than they are.
You know what?
I'll be right back.
He seems nice.
(dramatic theme playing)
(grunts)
(coughing)
(gasps, grunts)
(chuckling)
(shrieking)
Okay, it's time to put a stop
to this Metal Fella menace
once and for all.
It's simple.
We pretend to rob this store,
which lures Metal Fella
here to try and stop us,
and then,
using teamwork, we trap him.
I don't know. This just doesn't
seem like a very good idea.
Plus I don't even want
to catch Metal Fella.
He seems nice,
and he makes
a pleasant whirring sound
when he walks.
It may seem nice now,
but when vigilantes
flout the law,
people can get hurt.
Now let's run into this store
and wave guns around.
MAN:
Aah!
(dramatic theme playing)
Got him!
Frantic!
What happened to teamwork?
I'm sorry, Prock,
but all I care about now...
is what happened to my net.
My sweet, sweet net.
LADY MALOCCHIO:
You wanna be a superhero?
Villain!
Supervillain, like dad.
But we spent all that money
on accounting school.
Ugh. I don't know why
I thought you'd understand.
I just don't get it.
Your job had such good benefits.
Do you think
they'd take you back?
Considering that last night
I destroyed their office
with my powers, probably not.
Well, Linda's son
works at Kesington Parker.
I'll give her a call.
No, mom. This is what I do now.
Okay, what do you think?
I'm gonna call myself
The Auditor, or maybe CPA.
And right before
I attack someone,
I'll make a funny
accounting quip like,
"I hope you have
all your deductions in order."
Or "You do the math."
Oh. That's funny.
(sighs)
Where are you going?
I'm gonna attack
a bunch of people,
and then I'm gonna
destroy the city,
and then I'm gonna
take down the Awesomes,
the greatest superheroes
in the world.
Okay.
Well, take my magic flying bag.
Won't this look
too girly on me?
No, It's unisex.
It will look like
a messenger bag.
Ah. Okay, thanks.
(all grunting)
IMPRESARIO:
Move out the...
We all tried to go through
the door at the same time.
(all grunting)
Okay, you know what?
(all grunting)
I found him.
CONCIERGE:
Alexander Price.
Billionaire, philanthropist,
accomplished pilot,
and amateur MMA champion.
Price started his career at 19
when he developed a technology
to turn people's old cell phones
into clean water
for African villagers.
Within three years, Price
was the fifteenth richest man
in the country, earning
a reputation as playboy
and the most eligible bachelor
in the clean water world.
But then overnight,
he suddenly became a recluse
and withdrew into
his fortress-like compound
at the top of Eldon Hill.
And I'm not sure
why anyone would care,
but he is our leading suspect
for the identity of Metal Fella.
The only thing I can't
figure out is the energy source.
To power a suit like this
would take the energy
of a small power plant.
But I'll have an answer
soon enough,
because tonight,
Alexander Price is making
an exceedingly rare
public appearance
at a clean water event
at the Natural History Museum.
Wow, I'm so excited.
Ugh.
Now that the mystery's gone,
I just don't feel it anymore.
I don't want a face.
I want a featureless
metal panel.
MALOCCHIO JR.:
Excuse me.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, I'm going to attack you now.
Uh...
Hope you have all your
deductions in order. Ha, ha!
(people muttering)
You wouldn't want to have
to borrow from your 401K to...
Subsidize your...
Ah, never mind.
(shrieking)
(people screaming)
Look out!
It's the Girly Shrieker!
No, actually,
I'm the Auditor!
Or maybe CPA, still deciding.
He has a purse!
Help! Someone help us!
It's Purseman!
What?
No, it's a messenger bag!
What does the "A" stand for?
Uh, maybe asexual?
Because he's kind of like
a man, but kind of like a woman.
That's not
what asexual means.
English isn't
my first language.
(shrieks)
(dramatic theme playing)
Metal Fella better not
beat us there this time.
(shrieking)
(shrieking)
(Malocchio Jr. chuckling evilly
)
I was once like you,
just a simple accountant.
But I chose to follow
in my father's footsteps.
To be feared
with immense power,
to have the whole world
in the palm of my hand.
Heh. Note to self,
stop drinking mudslides,
am I right?
But now I'm gonna do
the one thing my father
was never able to accomplish.
I will attack Awesome Mountain
and destroy The Awesomes.
(laughing evilly)
PROCK:
Okay, here's the plan.
Half of us will go confront
Alexander Price,
while the other half stays here
to deal with Malocchio Jr.
Um, seriously?
Don't you remember?
We talked about this earlier.
Oh, you mean earlier,
as in before that Malocchio Jr.
destroyed an entire city block
with his feminine yell?
And vowed to kill all of us
and destroy Awesome Mountain?
Or do you not remember
that happening?
Right. So Gadget Gal,
Muscleman, Impresario, and Sumo,
you come with me to the museum.
Frantic, you stay here
and stop Malocchio Jr.
PROCK:
I just don't even know
why I try anymore.
I mean, am I the only person
who has any respect for the law?
(suspenseful theme playing)
(chuckling evilly)
Okay, we need to find
Malocchio Jr.
How do we do that?
Why don't we stake out
a purse store?
Yeah!
Yeah. I like that.
And then when he comes,
I'll catch him with my net.
Oh, right.
My sweet, sweet net.
Guess we're back
to square one.
So did you make up
this whole event
just to lure me here?
Or does, like,
no one care about clean water?
Both.
I knew you hated Metal Fella
and would do anything
to stop him.
And come on, Alexander Price
is the obvious choice,
so I made you think
you'd find him here tonight.
Ugh. Well,
do what you want with me,
but know that the rest
of The Awesomes are safe.
Awesome Mountain is equipped
with a noise cancellation
shield.
My dad set it up
when they were doing
construction across the street.
That's where you come in.
You see, you are going
to give me the code
that deactivates
that shield.
And why would I do that?
I'm glad you asked.
Hotwire!
You're alive!
I can't believe it!
Oh, my God, it's really you!
Well, I could not be happier.
I mean, there's a few things
I would change.
Yes, my sister is alive.
But not for long
if you don't cooperate.
Ha, ha, ha!
(knock on door)
Hey, I'm here for
the clean water thing.
I saw the sign out front.
I'm just gonna go.
MALOCCHIO JR.:
So what's it going to be, Prock?
Do you give me the shield code,
or do you let Hotwire perish!
Stop. Okay, I have
to save Hotwire's life,
I have no choice. But I don't
want to betray my teammates.
Plus, saving someone's life
might seem like
I'm coming on pretty strong.
I don't want to push Hotwire
back into the friend zone.
Maybe I'll be like...
"Hey, Hotwire.
Oh, I saved your life?
Didn't even realize."
Yeah, perfect.
Problem solved.
Oh, except for how to not
kill all my friends.
Well, even if I do deactivate
the noise cancellation shield,
they should still be protected
by the auxiliary defense shield.
Okay, it's settled.
Start. Here's your code.
Hey, guys, I just deactivated
our auxiliary defense shield.
It'll save us $80 a month
on electricity.
Terrific!
Good work!
Looks like we can manage things
pretty well even without Prock.
(shrieks)
Can't believe
I betrayed my team.
But it will all be worth it if
Hotwire gets out of this alive.
Oh, yeah, I made that up.
Wow. That was
a really good mask.
Now I'm gonna destroy
The Awesomes,
and you'll have
a front row seat.
MUSCLEMAN:
Welcome to our home.
Can I get you something?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Aah!
(heroic theme playing)
(Malocchio Jr. shrieks)
(shrieks)
(shrieks)
(Tim yelling)
(shrieking)
Looks like you guys
could use a hand.
Oh, great,
just what I need.
(dramatic theme playing)
(shrieking)
You were right, Prock.
What do you mean?
When you said we were the same.
It doesn't matter
that we're smarter than them,
that we're better than them,
they just won't listen.
We do everything right,
and all everyone does
is walk all over us.
MALOCCHIO JR.:
Join me, Prock.
Together we can rule the world.
No one will ever
take us for granted again.
Suit yourself.
But look around you, Prock.
In about 10 minutes,
you won't have anything left
to live for. Heh, heh, heh.
(dramatic theme playing)
I am all alone now,
except for my son Malocchio Jr.,
who is an accountant
and is afraid of butterflies.
That's it!
Frantic!
Go find some butterflies.
But my net has a hole in it.
Just get them
and throw them at Malocchio Jr.
FRANTIC:
Sorry!
(screaming)
(roars)
(gasping, yelling)
Oh, no.
(shrieks)
(coughing)
(exhaling weakly)
Oh, no!
I can't do it anymore!
You broke my voice!
Nice messenger bag.
MALOCCHIO JR.:
Thank you!
Great idea with
the butterflies, Prock.
Aw, really?
Thanks!
And sorry I broke
your arm up there.
Ah, it's okay.
I'm a fan
of what you guys do.
Well, I'm a fan of what you do.
You're the best.
Man, I was wrong
about Metal Fella.
What a cool dude.
(vacuum cleaner whirring)
Hey, maybe we should
focus on vacuuming
after we fix
the huge holes in the wall.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Not that Prock turned
Malocchio Jr. evil
or that Prock gave up the code
to disable our shield.
It's that I'm vacuuming!
(sighs)
Don't worry, Prock.
We'll get this place
back like new
in no time.
It's not that.
It's just...
For one minute I thought Hotwire
was actually alive.
(somber theme playing)
(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪