The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Super-Hero Awards: Part 1 - full transcript

YOUNG PROCK:
Maybe next time
you'll think twice

before messing with
Brains and Brawn!

(as Malocchio):
I made the same mistake
your father made.

I have underestimated you.

I only hope one day
you don't become superheroes

because you are obviously
going to be super good at it.

You're good at the voice.
(in normal voice): Thanks!

I love playing make-believe
in the trophy room.

Why do our dads
not let us in here?

I guess they're afraid
we'll break something.

They should trust us.
Hey, what are you doing?



This is a bust
of my grandfather,

the original Muscleman.
I want to get a closer look.

Be careful.
I am being careful.

That's why I'm knocking it
with a stick.

(crash)
No!

MR. AWESOME:
What is the meaning of this?

Papa, who broke your head?
Was this you, boy?

It was me. I'm sorry.

Well, Jeremy,
I hope you like jigsaw puzzles.

I love jigsaw puzzles. How do
you not know that about me?

I'm president
of the Jigsaw Club.

MR. AWESOME:
You're going to stay here

until you glue that
entire bust back together.

Ah.
You're the best, buddy.



I can't believe you
would take the fall for me

just so I wouldn't
get in trouble.

Well, now you are
gonna get in trouble.

Why's that?
They're still here.

Now you will both be gluing
all day. I hope you're happy.

Happy? I'm thrilled.

I'd do anything all day
with this guy.

He's my best friend.

MANDRAKE:
Prock? Prock?

Prock, are you even listening?
I'm listening.

I asked if it was true that
Muscleman has quit the team.

He has, but don't worry,
we've already replaced him.

Joyce Mandrake,
meet Teleportation Larry.

(hiccups)

Teleportation Larry?
Isn't he an alcoholic?

He was an alcoholic.
He's not anymore.

That's not how it works.
It's not?

No. If he was an alcoholic,
he's an alcoholic.

He could be
a recovering alcoholic.

That's what he is.
Where is he, by the way?

Probably fighting crime.

Urp!
I was not at a bar.

You don't have
to say that every time.

You're the best! Urp!

Anything else, Joyce?
Just this.

Next Sunday the White House

is hosting the first annual
Super Hero Awards.

Your invitations.
Red carpet, red carpet!

I am like a bull,
except when I see red

I do not get mad.
I get fabulous.

You don't seem excited, Prock.
That's because I'm not.

As my dad always said,

"I'm not in this for awards,
I'm in this to help people."

Yes, your father was famously
against these sort of affairs,

but he's gone now, which is
why Dr. Malocchio thought

this would be a good year
to hold them.

Oh, this is
Dr. Malocchio's idea?

Then you can definitely
count me out.

Oh, that's too bad.

The Awesomes are nominated
for Best Team.

We got nominated!
We got nominated!

We got nominated! Oh, my God,
I can't believe it.

We did it, buddy!

Urp!
I was not at a bar.

(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

(majestic theme playing)

I'm Frantic, pretty much
the fastest man alive

and currently the most popular
member of the Awesomes.

And this lovely lady
is Gadget Gal.

I'm here because he told me
there would be pudding.

You will get your pudding
when this is over!

Now smile and be
TV-friendly for once.

Isn't it weird for the nominee
to also work the red carpet?

Frantic said if I didn't
let him do it

he would "murder me
until I was dead."

Urp! Can I borrow $5?

It's not for booze.

(burps)

Was he really
the best we could--

Yes. Yes, he was.

You gotta move your eyes
from right to left.

Let everybody
get the picture they need.

Shout them ou
to make them feel good.

How you doing?
Looking good.

This tuxedo you made me
is too big.

Oh, is it?

Ain't gonna
let my man walk around

in no diaper
on award night.

You don't seem
very happy to be here.

I don't know.
I was excited at first,

but doesn't it seem weird to you
that we got nominated?

I mean, don't get me wrong,
it's a dream come true.

But it is
a little weird, right?

Why would we get nominated
if we didn't deserve it?

That's what I'm trying
to figure out.

Ah, Muscleman!
You made it.

Oh, hello. Prock, is it?

What? Of course it's Prock.

Oh, yes. I remember you.

We used to be best friends
but then you hurt my feelings

and now I barely
remember you.

So you're not here
to rejoin the Awesomes?

Why would I want to do that?
I have my own team now.

What team?
Muscleman and the Three Dopes.

We're the Three Dopes.

We fun.
We good.

The Three Dopes? They're known
as being the stupidest heroes

in this or any other galaxy.

That's right. So with them
I get to be the smart one.

No more taking orders from you,
I get to give the orders.

Go there, do this, do that.

Go dere.

Do dis.

Do dat.

What are you guys
even doing here tonight?

We're here because we're
nominated for Best Team.

Wait? You guys?

Muscleman and the Three Dopes
are nominated for Best Team?

You know what
your real power is, Prock?

Being a bad friend.

Let's go, Dopes.

You wanna go?
I'll go right now.

It's go time.
(sighs)

No. Not "go" fight,
"go" leave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you're right.

Okay, if they're nominated
something is definitely up.

When there's a mystery there's
only one person to talk to.

Speaking of mysteries,
where is Hotwire?

How do you get all the world's
heroes in one place?

You tell them
they could win an award.

That's the problem
with superheroes. Super egos.

You've done a good job,
my daughter.

I don't feel like
I did a good job.

I feel awful.

Ah, yes. I wish
there had been another way,

but I needed someone
on the inside.

I needed someone
to find me this.

The Global Spectrum Ray.
The last piece of the puzzle.

The perfect machine.

I would let you touch it
but your electrical powers

might affect
its delicate calibration.

I have been waiting a long time
to have this toy at my disposal.

Do you have to
go through with it?

Maybe the world does need
superheroes.

My darling,
you've been brainwashed

by Prock
and his band of idiots.

Superheroes are a scourge
on this world.

By getting rid of them
we will save humanity.

Now, to get
this ray downstairs.

Hello, I need some help
with my luggage.

How many bags? Um...

One, but it's not really
a bag, it's more of a ray gun.

But not like an evil ray gun.
Like a regular one.

How many guys will it take?

I should have thought
this through.

Is 50 too many?

Yeah, I thought so.
Sounded high when I said it.

Let's say 48 guys.

Oh, thank you.

It begins.

(cackling)

(rings)

Hello?

Yes, now.
Oh, did I not say now?

Yeah,
I need it right now.

(majestic theme playing)

One of tonight's most
anticipated moments

is a musical tribute
to heroes of the 1980s.

I'm joined now by two of that
decade's most effective heroes,

Shoulderpads Jones
and the Stockbroker.

I'll bet you two
can't wait to reconnect

with all the other heroes
from your era.

I'd just like to reconnect
with some cocaine.

Where did Tim
and Concierge go?

They're looking for Hotwire.
And who are we gonna talk to?

Black Irish. The world's
greatest detective.

How do we find him?
You don't find Black Irish.

He deduces you're looking
that for him and he finds you.

That can't be true.
Mother[BLEEP]!

Thanks for coming,
Black Irish.

(raspy voice):
Yeah. I sensed you
were looking for me.

No. That can't be
your real voice.

You got a problem with it?

No. But you should.

Impresario,
now is not the time.

It's never the time to leave
asthma untreated.

Start talking or I'm gone.

Gone to the doctor to get
your throat checked out?

Impresario!

So listen, Black Irish,

something about tonight
isn't right.

What do you mean?
Just look around.

I don't feel like the best
superheroes are nominated.

I feel like all of the
superheroes are nominated.

Maybe tonight is just a way
to get us all in one place.

Damn it. You're right.

You're supposed to be the
world's greatest detective.

How did you miss that?

Pride has always been
my greatest shortcoming.

There's more. Ever since
I reformed the Awesomes

weird things
have been happening.

We got locked in
the Hologram room,

Latonna the psychic told us
we had a traitor,

we got zapped to
a parallel Earth,

Muscleman left the team because
he thinks we have a traitor,

bunch of other stuff that seems
to imply we have a traitor.

Your team has a traitor.

I'll find out who it is
and let you know.

Before you go, take this.

What is it?
A lozenge.

It will help.

(bell chimes)

ANNOUNCER:
Please make your way
to your seats.

The show will begin
in 10 minutes.

I hope Concierge and Tim

are having some luck
finding Hotwire.

Thank you for taking off
that tuxedo.

It was really hard
to walk in.

Let's check the bar.

So I told my ex-wife,
you'll get your alimony,

because I'm a member
of the Awesomes!

Uh...

Whoa,
what are you guys looking at?

I can't even go in bars anymore,
you know.

Dude. Just don't.

I'm a failure.

Sad.
Where could you be, Hotwire?

She disappears a lot,
right?

She does seem to do that.

Hmm.
(elevator dings)

Hotwire?

Concierge?
Um, this is my floor.

MALOCCHIO:
Ah, yes. Goodbye, Hotwire.

It was nice meeting you today
for the first time.

Well, it wasn't nice for me,
you villainous heel!

You will live to regret
that insolence!

I do not like that guy.

And I am basing it on that,
our very first meeting.

(bell chimes)

ANNOUNCER:
Please make your way
to your seats.

The show will begin
in 10 minutes.

We better get going.

Hmm.
Hmm, indeed.

Ah! Black Irish!
What is it?

I know who the traitor is.

What happened
to your voice?

That lozenge really did
the trick.

Thank your friend for me.

It's really disconcerting.

Can you go back
to the old voice?

Do you want to know who
the traitor is or not?

Can you write it down?
I can't stand the new voice.

Hotwire is the traitor.

What?

Hey, Prock.

HOST:
Welcome to the First annual
Superhero Awards!

This is going to be
such an exciting night!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
Just nervous, I guess.

Babe! Babe! You're sitting
down here with me!

(whispering)
I'm good here.

I want to sit with
my teammates.

I can't hear you
because you're whispering!

Come down here to the
good seats! Your seats are bad

because The Awesomes
are a bad superhero team!

I feel like if I don't go he's
just going to keep screaming.

Go.

Whatever happens tonight,
I just want you to know

that I think The Awesomes
are the best superhero team.

And I've loved every minute
of being a part of it.

Thanks, Hotwire.

We need to talk.
It's about Hotwire.

We saw her
with Malocchio.

I know.
We have to get out of here.

Excuse us, watch your toes.
Excuse me.

(all apologizing)

Where are you going?

ALL:
Bathroom.

Wait until
the commercial.

We really have to go.

(all chattering)

Commercial.

Excuse us, pardon us.
Excuse us.

(all apologizing)

What are we going to do?

We wait until
the first commercial

and then we get out of here.

What do we do
until then?

I guess we try
to enjoy the show?

ANNOUNCER:
He has one eye,
she has nine lives.

Together they're a perfect 10!

Please welcome
The Blinker and Cat Lady!

You know Cat Lady,
I only have one eye,

but I can still see that
you're looking great tonight.

Well, you probably can't see
that I'm not interested.

Oh, no! Pre-written host banter!

We just have to make it
to the first commercial.

ANNOUNCER:
He's known for his brains
and she eats them,

please welcome Mr. Genius
and Little Miss Zombie.

Please tell me
you had dinner.

(laughing)
Oh, man.

ANNOUNCER:
She's an heiress,
he's an air head.

Please welcome Rich Bitch
and Mr. Balloon.

So what are you doing
after the show?

F--- you.
You're a ----ing balloon.

I fail to see
the glib artistry in that.

ANNOUNCER:
She's a woman made of bricks
and he's a squid,

please welcome Brick Woman
and The Super Squid!

It's been an hour and there
hasn't been a commercial!

They haven't even given out
an award.

ANNOUNCER:
Please welcome a man without
who no night would be perfect,

Perfect Man.

(laughing)

I get it!

Good evening, everyone.
I'm Perfect Man.

(muttering)

Good evening.

He didn't do his joke.
He always does his joke.

Tonight is a special night
for me as my fiancée is with us.

Hotwire, I love you and
I couldn't live without you.

Something is wrong
with Perfect Man.

Earlier this year,
the great Mr. Awesome left us.

It was hard for me because he
taught me everything I knew

about being a superhero.

But fortunately I met someone
else who taught me even more.

He taught me that maybe we don't
need teams of superheroes.

Maybe we just need one.

And maybe, just maybe,
I could be that one.

Please welcome, the greatest man
I have ever met, Dr. Malocchio.

It's a trap.
The whole night has been a trap.

Good evening.

Earlier this year
I was released from prison.

My crime?
I thought that the world

might be a better place
without superheroes.

That's why I launched
Operation Safe.

I had hoped that superheroes
would listen to my logic

and willingly give up
their powers.

And tonight, every hero
who did not is in this room.

We need to get out of here now--
Shh.

He's making
a lot of good points.

But now you are in this room.
And you cannot leave.

Because you are under
my control.

Of course, there is one man here
who I cannot control,

but he doesn't have
any real powers

so I'm not that concerned.

Hello, Prock! I hope
you're enjoying the show!

Stop.

I walked my entire team
into a trap.

For what? To win an award?
I haven't learned anything.

In all the time
I've been in charge

I haven't learned
one single thing.

And now Malocchio
is going to win.

With whose help?
The girl I was in love with

who turned out to be a traitor.
And I have no idea what to do.

Well, might as well
face the music. Start.

So now, without further ado.

What did I miss?

Teleportation Larry?

You're not under Malocchio's
mind control?

Who dat? Where he?

PROCK:
You can't see him
so it's not working on you.

Teleportation Larry,
I need you to listen to me.

Can you teleport us out of here
and into the Hologram Room?

Hey, they don't call me
Telephone Barry for nothing.

Tonight, with the help
of a very special machine,

a machine that was invented by
the one, the only, Mr. Awesome,

I will make us all equals.

How many can you get?

As many as you want.
Just gotta be able to see 'em.

All of the Awesomes
and Muscleman.

All good,
but I don't see Muscleman.

He's over there!

LARRY:
I can't see him.

Goodbye powers!

Sorry, Muscleman.
Now, Larry!

(Malocchio grunts)

(explosion)

(chatter)

And that is what you call,
"the game winner."

Moments ago,
a bright red light

blasted out of the windows
of the White House

during the broadcast
of the Superhero Awards.

No word yet
what caused the light,

but we will update you
with news as we get it.

What happened?

Malocchio set off
some kind of ray.

Teleportation Larry
got us out just in time.

Where's
Teleportation Larry now?

He beamed back right after.
He said he forgot his drink.

What kind of ray was it?
Why don't I remember it?

You don't remember it
because you were under

Malocchio's mind control.

As for the ray,
I wish I knew.

He said it was invented
by my father.

It's the de-powering
spectrum ray.

How do you know that?

I know everything about
your father and Malocchio.

I was there when they met.

Y'all just know this is
about to be a flashback.

GADGET GAL:
Back in the forties,

when superheroes
first started appearing,

Giuseppe Malocchio was
the first doctor to study them.

Over time,
he became a confidante

to many superheroes,

but to your father, Prock,
he became a best friend.

Together they went into the lab
and cracked the super gene.

Your father thought
it was important to know

where powers came from,

but Dr. Malocchio
had a different goal.

Malocchio wanted to use
the super serum

to make ordinary people super.

He thought the more superheroes
the better.

He used it on himself first.

And it worked.

He gained the superpower
to control men's minds.

But it had a flaw.
It turned him evil.

Overnight, he went from

the best friend
of the Awesome Society

to its worst enemy.

Not just fighting the team
at every turn,

but giving the serum to others
who longed for power,

turning each and every
one of them evil along the way.

He and his evil army
attacked us for years.

They all had different powers,

but you could always tell
a Malocchio villain

by the trademark evil eye.

Which is the translation of
the Italian word "mal occhio."

Mr. Awesome was worried
that one day

Malocchio would get his serum
to everyone,

so he created a ray

that would rob the world
of superpowers.

But he never had the heart
to use it.

He thought the world
needed heroes too much.

He wanted the Awesomes
to go on forever,

so he put it in the vault
where it would be safe.

So how did it get
out of the vault?

Hotwire.
What?

Hotwire was working for
Malocchio the whole time.

I can see that.
Yeah, me too.

There was always
something wrong with her.

I was going to say something,

but I knew
how much you liked her.

And I did say something,
but you liked her so much

you didn't listen.
Muscleman said something too.

But I didn't believe him, and
now he's trapped with Malocchio

and his powers are gone.

Take them all
to the basement.

I don't understand.
You told me

I would be the only superhero,
but you didn't tell me

you were keeping all the other
heroes as prisoners.

Well, I lied. And if
it makes you feel better,

it's not the only thing
I lied about.

I also lied about letting you
keep your powers.

The fact is, I needed you
as a spokesman

to give me legitimacy.

But now your usefulness
is through.

Do you know who I am?

Yes. You're a man
who has lost his powers.

What are you looking at?

You lied to me too.

You told me this was
for the betterment of mankind.

As a rule,
don't listen to people

who say things like
"the betterment of mankind."

They're, on average,
huge (bleep).

Look, just be happy I let you
keep your powers.

I know you're mad now,

but in time I believe
you will forgive me

and serve by my side.

Father and daughter,
ruling the world with an iron--

Okay, I can tell
you're not listening to me,

so let's have this conversation
another time.

I have stuff to do.

(whistling)

(Malocchio humming)

Hello, I am Dr. Malocchio.

As of 10 minutes ago,
the only people on Earth

with superpowers
are me and my henchmen.

I'd say make your peace
with God,

but I'm the only God now.

So get some sleep,
and I'll see you guys tomorrow.

It's gonna be a busy day.

Hey, that was fun.

Now, bring me
Professor Doctor Awesome.

(whispering)
Uh-huh. Okay.

Can't find them?
Right.

No sign? Uh-huh.
Not sure what happened?

Know that I'm angry because
it's the thing I kept saying

was the most important part
of the plan?

Hope I'm not too mad?

(mysterious theme playing)

Now, is there anything else
you'd like to say?

MAN:
We have one of them.

Which one?

(dramatic theme playing)

Muscleman,
How sad it is

to see you without
your super strength.

You suspected that Hotwire
was a traitor, did you not?

Well, it turns out
you were right.

Sad that Prock
would not listen to you.

But then again, he never valued
your intelligence, did he?

That's probably why he left you
here when he escaped.

Well, that is where he and I
are different.

Because I think you have
just the kind of mind

I need in my new empire.

And if you were to join me,

I would, of course,
give you your powers back,

and I would give you
one more thing.

The chance to exact revenge
on your one time friend.

(dramatic theme playing)

Where do I sign up?

And with that, Malocchio
returned to the White House

with no further information.

We are already
receiving reports

of army bases being
attacked and destroyed

by supervillains
under Malocchio's command.

I screwed up.
I let my guard down,

and because of that Malocchio
has the world by the balls.

I let you all down.

A leader is supposed
to be better than that.

I'm really sorry.

I wouldn't be here
if it was for you.

You say you're sorry?
I accept your apology.

Me too.
And I.

These last few months
have been the best in my life.

I can't stay mad at you.

So, what are we
going to do now?

We're going to fix it.

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

Welcome back
to the red carpet coverage.

Hey, who's next, Gadget Gal?

Oh, look, it's
the Jack Link Sasquatch.

Oh, brother.
So, uh, who you wearing?

(grunts)

I don't think
he's wearing anything.

Heh-heh. Right. And who are you
rooting for tonight?

You know, in the awards.

(grunts)

Where are you from?
Do you bathe?

Do you have a girlfriend?
What's your Twitter handle?

Do you prefer cats or dogs?
You watch Game of Thrones?

What is a Kindle?
Do you like my glasses?

(grunts)
FRANTIC: Whoa. Uh-oh.

All right, who's next?
Oh, Adam Levine!

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪