The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Pageant - full transcript

HOTWIRE:
I'm doing the best I can,
but I can only look

when they leave
Awesome Mountain.

Convince Prock
to go to the pageant?

How am I supposed to do that?

Hey, Hotsie! There's a real fun
argument going on.

Don't want you
to miss it.

I got to go.
I'll see what I can do.

Yes.
No.

Yes.
No.

I am going to be a celebrity
judge in a beauty pageant.

You are not going to be a judge
in a beauty pageant.



You're not the boss of me!
Yes, I am.

I even put it on the corkboard
so you wouldn't forget.

(drum roll)

I'm sorry Frantic,
but my answer is final.

We need to focus on fighting
bad guys--successfully.

Oh, come on.
We've been successful.

Have we? Collateral damage,
lawsuits

and destruction of beloved
historical landmarks

does not fit my definition
of success.

Well, lady, I guess you and I
have different dictionaries.

CONCIERGE:
You're an imbecile.

Well, you're a...duck.

Prock, please, I'll give you
a million dollars.

You don't have
a million dollars.



Scratch and win
lottery tickets.

Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.

Ha! A free mani-pedi!
All yours.

I don't want that.
I'll take that.

Aren't mani-pedis
just for ladies?

One of the keys
to being a modern man

is embracing things that are
supposedly "just for ladies."

Check it out.

Incredible!
IMPRESARIO: That's right.

Ain't no shame in a man
with well-kept feet.

(sobbing):
No!

I don't understand.

In the lottery commercials,
people always win.

I don't know
what to believe anymore.

I know you're sad,
little guy,

but we have to trust Prock.
He knows what he's doing.

Thanks, Muscleman.
I got your back, buddy.

But the pageant is televised!
And I want to be on television!

It's my dream!
Frantic,

this team is a PR nightmare.

How would you
hosting a pageant help that?

It would show people
that we're fun.

This generation cares
too much about fun.

In my day,
fun was not having Polio.

And no one cares how fun we are.

Well, actually according
to Concierge...

What, according to Concierge?
Hotwire! That was a secret.

What was a secret?

(sighs)

According to a recent poll
in Superhero Quarterly,

we're the least fun
superhero team.

What?
We're totally fun.

Impresario is fun.
Muscleman is fun. You're fun.

Technically,
that's not the problem.

Hotwire! Double-secret!

What's the double-secret?

(sighs)

You personally polled
as the least fun superhero.

I was going to tell you, but
you're already such a bummer.

(all agree)

What? But that's...
I'm so much fun!

Like that time I--
Or when I-- The way I--

Oh, my God, I'm not fun.
How does a person get to be fun?

Well, it couldn't hurt
to think outside the box.

Yeah! Think outside the box!

Think outside the box!
Everybody!

ALL:
Think outside the box!
Think outside the box!

Guys! What did I say
about group chants?

ALL:
We don't have to do it
every time Frantic starts one.

Thank you.
Maybe Frantic judging a pageant

and the whole team going
to support him will show people

that you know how to loosen up
and have a good time.

You're right, Hotwire.
Thanks for having my back.

Actually, previously
established, I have your back.

More than one person
can have my back.

But I've known you longer,
so technically I should have

first right of refusal
on having your back.

PROCK: Not now, Muscleman.
Mm.

Okay. You can judge
the pageant.

But please promise
to represent yourself

in a manner that is
becoming of an Awesome.

I will not let you down.

(metal creaks)

Ricky Finn here
for Superhero Tonight.

And I'm here with
Awesomes member Frantic,

who has a special announcement.

Sooey! Sooey! Sooey!

Frantic
is in the house!

I'm on TV!
I'm on TV! Sooey!

What's coming out
of Prock's mouth?

He's grinding his teeth so hard
it's making tooth dust.

This is fun.
I'm having fun.

(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

AWESOMES:
We're going to a beauty contest!

We're going to a beauty contest!
We're going to a beauty contest!

Guys! Chants!

I thought you were going to try
and be more fun.

Oh, right.
We're going to a beauty contest.

ALL:
We're going to a beauty contest.

I've never heard
of the Miss Global Pageant,

which is strange because I'm
a self-described pageant-head.

I, for one, don't care for these
displays of feminine beauty.

It's sideshows like this
that set back the female cause.

You know,
with legs like yours,

you wouldn't do too shabby
in a pageant.

My legs are only for
one thing, dollface.

And that is?
Son of a--

Why is the pageant in Ohio?
I thought these things

were in Las Vegas
or Atlantic City.

Because this is what is known
as a low-end pageant.

Why did you agree
to this again?

Well, Hotwire made a good point
about having fun.

Mm-hmm. Real talk?
It seems like all it takes

to get you to agree
to something these days

is to have Hotwire
suggest it.

Do you not like
Hotwire?

I like her, but...
Well, I like her butt.

It's the rest of her
I don't...trust.

I'm sorry I said that.
I know you dig her.

It's just--
It's just what?

You haven't historically
had the best instincts

when it comes to women.

Mom, Dad, this is Tina.

Mr. Awesome,
prepare to die!

Tina!

Mom, Dad, this is Becky.

(roars)

The Lizard People of Bogar
send their best.

Becky!

Mom, Dad, this is Gloria.

And-- Wait, no,
she's obviously an evil robot.

Die, Mr. Awesome.

I did have real feelings
for you.

Just don't.

Hotwire is different
from all of them.

First of all,
she's a superhero.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

Where is she, by the way?
She said she wasn't feeling well

so she stayed behind
at Awesome Mountain.

So she suggested this trip
and then backed out?

Um, she has
a super sore throat.

Not an excuse in my book.

PROCK:
Remember, we're parked in 24C.

SUMO:
We're the only plane
in the whole lot.

Everybody else
just has cars.

PROCK:
You never know.

(alarm chirps)

IMPRESARIO:
Man, you are uptight.

Now, Frantic, listen to me,
because I have

a lot of experience
with pageantry.

In my day, I've seen
many a winner crowned

thanks to a rigorous routine
of talent and composure.

You should be ashamed
of yourself, Concierge.

You're a smart
modern woman.

Why are you giving credence
to this awful display?

I take back what I said
about your legs.

You would never win a pageant.
And you know why?

You have no charis--
Son of a--

Did you guys picture
a nicer pageant?

Mr. Frantic,
I can not tell you

how wonderful it is
to have you here.

You, sir, have
the kind of star power

that only comes along
once in a lifetime.

Star power? Me?

Yes, sir. In fact--

No, I couldn't do that.
It would be too crazy.

What would be too crazy?
What can't you do?

Here I am with you as a judge,
and I can't help thinking

you would make
a better contestant!

What?

What do you say?
Do you want to be Miss Global?

Do I ever!

Is this one of those
"just for women" things

that's cool
for men to do?

It is not.

Um, excuse me, but wouldn't you
lose your charter

if you let a man compete?

Based on what?
Oh, I don't know,

498-A of the International
Pageant By-Laws.

Your friend
is a sassy bummer.

Ugh. Tell me about it.
She's the worst.

Let's get you
in makeup.

Hey, boss, isn't this
usually the time

you step in and throw a fit
about what a bad idea this is?

From now on I'm fun,
just like Hotwire said.

Though my instinct
is to throw a fit.

But I must fight it.

Hmm. You know
what I bet would help?

Calling Hotwire
to see how she's feeling.

(line ringing)

Uh, hello?

Hey, I just called to see
if you're okay.

Hey, yeah, it's just, um,
you know,

my stomach still feels
pretty bad.

I thought
you had a sore throat.

Yeah. Sorry.
Sore throat.

It must have traveled
to the stomach.

How are you doing?
I don't know.

Fun isn't coming as easy to me
as I hoped.

For what it's worth,
I already think you're fun.

Wow. Thanks.

Hey, listen,
since you do think I'm fun,

I thought you and I could do
something fun sometime--

I should go, Prock.

This headache--
Stomachache.

Stomachache is hitting me
pretty hard. Bye.

Huh. It's like she wanted
to get off the phone.

And it's weird that she can't
remember why she's sick.

You know, this would
definitely rattle me

if I was old
stressed-out Prock.

Thank God I'm not!

Ah. I'm a bad person.

Now where are those keys?

(upbeat pop music
playing over speakers)

MUSCLEMAN:
I can't believe
you're just okay with this.

I've let go, Muscleman.
And I feel great.

Why didn't anyone tell me about
this having fun thing years ago?

Also, side note,

I think I'm making
real progress with Hotwire.

Now as you know, beauty
pageants aren't just about

beautiful women
standing around in bikinis.

(crowd boos)

It's time for
our global issues portion,

where our judges will ask
these young women and Frantic

their opinions
on world events.

I just got off the phone

with the National
Pageant Association.

They say they've never
heard of this pageant.

If Prock won't
act like the old Prock,

then I guess I'll have to.
Ahem.

What you just said stressed
me out and made me aggravated.

Grrr! I'm a ball of tension.
Huh?

Oh, look. Frantic
is answering his question.

I do believe that clean water
is an essential right

because when
I was growing up my brothers

would always
spit lougies in my water

and then, when I drank it, they
would laugh and point at me.

But now I'm the one
who is laughing and pointing

because I'm a man
competing in a lady pageant!

Judges?

(speaking gibberish)

I've said it once,
I'll say it again:

"When are
we getting lunch?"

And with two perfect tens,
Frantic remains in the lead.

(cheers)

This is the dumbest pageant
I've ever seen.

There's no way Frantic
should be scoring this high.

What was that for?

Huh? I dozed off.

Probably just reflex.

What would Prock do?
What would Prock do?

We're down to our last round.

Three finalists will be chosen
to compete for the crown.

Our final six: Miss England,
Miss Germany,

Miss Googyland,
Miss Countrytania,

Miss Mister
and Miss Sample Sash.

Hey, those last three
aren't real countries.

I refuse to
acknowledge Germany too.

And now it's time
for the talent portion.

Frantic, you're up first.

(suspenseful theme plays)

(bats squeaking)

Yeah, this can't be normal.

Now, I've never
done three before.

Or two.
But I'm real good with one.

(majestic classical music
playing over speakers)

PROCK:
So good.

Everything today
has been so, so, good.

(crowd cheers)

That was great, Frantic,

but I think everyone would
like to see your real talent.

How about you run around
this table as fast as you can

and show us how
you do your thing?

Heck. Running is what
I do best.

Hey, bossman.
Something is not right.

There were bats in the camera.

I'm starting to think
this whole thing is a--

Ah, what's that word?

Not "bird." It's like when
someone sets something

and you get caught in it?

Relax, Muscleman.
You're too high-strung.

You remind me of a young me.

(Frantic laughing)

(cackling)

(yells)

(all screaming)

(laughing)

(dramatic theme plays)

(all chittering)

You see, the key is
you got to buff it.

Uh, oops! Looks like
I've gotta run.

But remember ladies, you can
have the feet of your dreams

if you want it bad enough.

(all screaming)

Tim, honey?

(grunts)

(dramatic theme plays)

PROCK: The Gopher King.
MUSCLEMAN: Wait!

Are you sure he's not
BadgerMan or the Evil Weasel?

BadgerMan's dead
and the Evil Weasel

only burrows for good,
remember?

I know
I shouldn't say this,

but they all look the same
to me.
IMPRESARIO: Hey!

No, wait, I think that's
technically fine to say.

I am the Gopher King.
CONCIERGE: Told you.

Welcome to my underground lair.

A hutch, right?
No, that's rabbits.

Burrow.
No, that's badgers and moles.

House?

It's my secret underground
headquarters, okay?

And if you must know,
gophers live

in what's called
gopher towns.

So you're, like,
the mayor of Gopher Town?

I'm a supervillain, okay?

Jesus, do you question
other supervillains this way?

Well, maybe we'd
stop asking questions

if you told us your plot.

Well,
I can't tell you my plot

because you keep
asking questions.

No one likes sarcasm!

(clears throat)

My plot is very simple
and impossible to foil.

First of all,
I want to thank you, Frantic,

for making a hole big enough.
Ain't no thing.

I just hope the judges
are as gracious.

And now that
there's a massive hole,

I'll finally be able to fire

my massive
Atomic Tilling Gun!

I'm sorry,
did you say "killing"?

Tilling.
Tilling with a T.

What is tilling?

What, am I defending
a [BLEEP]ing thesis over here?

Tilling the land
is when you tear up the soil

so you can plant things.

Correct.
And it's my plan

to return Earth
to an even more primitive state.

Once fired,
the gun's ray will tear up

the entire surface
of the planet,

turning all the soil
and making it habitable

for my race of oversized,
irritable Gophermen.

We've spent years building it
from an indestructible alloy

mined from the center
of the Earth.

So you cannot
possibly destroy it.

So much for having fun.
I'm never doing that again.

(whispering):
Thank God. You're much more
fun when you're not fun.

We may not be able
to destroy the gun,

but maybe we can
stop the beam.

How?
We have an anti-matter ray

back in the Vault
at Awesome Mountain.

But we don't have time
to make it back to the Vault.

But I can call Hotwire
and have her get it for us.

But it's in the Vault,

which is in a secret location
only you and me know,

accessible by only
you and me-- Or... I?

Me. It's me.

Only you and me
have access to the Vault

for very important reasons.

You and me
have an understanding.

Come on, we can trust Hotwire.

No, me can't.

Can. Can. Can.

Can't. Can't. Cannot.
GOPHER KING: Ahem!

Hello!
If you two are done whispering,

then I would like
to power-up my gun

and destroy
the surface of Earth.

Is that all right with you?

Fine! I mean, no. No!

It was rhetorical.

(dramatic theme plays)

MUSCLEMAN:
Has it occurred to you that
we're here because of Hotwire?

She's the one who convinced you
this trip was a good idea.

She's the one who stayed behind.
And now she's the one

that you're going
to tell about the Vault.

I am calling her.

That's a really stupid thing
to do. Speaking of stupid,

looks like Frantic still thinks
he's competing in a pageant.

♪ And that's why they call me
The fancy dancy man ♪

(both laughing)

So dumb.
Oh, that's good.

Where were we?
Don't call Hotwire.

I'm going to.
We don't need her.

I'm gonna charge the gun and
try to break it with my head.

(yelling)

(all grunt)

(line rings)

Hello?
Hey. How are you feeling?

Fine. I mean, for someone
who's really sick.

(coughs)

So how's
the beauty pageant?

Oh, about that,
it was a trap.

So it was another
public relations disaster.

Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.

I should never have suggested
that you let Frantic do it.

This is all my fault.
No, it's it not.

You were just thinking
about what's best for the team.

I shouldn't be making
suggestions. I'm still a rookie.

Hey, you may be a rookie,
but you're a part of this team.

An important part.

I wish I could be there now.
I wish I could help.

Oh, right.
That's why I called.

Could you get something for me?
Stop!

Muscleman is right.
The Vault is a secret

that we're not supposed to
tell anyone about.

But I really think I can
trust Hotwire. And besides,

trust is an important part
of any relationship no matter

how currently one-sided
that relationship is. Start.

I need... I need you to go
into the Vault.

The Vault?
Yeah, look,

you're not supposed to
know about it,

but it's where the Awesomes
stockpiled a ton of stuff

my dad decided
was too dangerous.

Don't worry about that though.

I just need you to get something
out of there.

But you'll need the key.

Key?
Yeah, it's a special key.

But I keep it hidden,
so no one can find it.

It's in the trophy room.
Uh-huh?

It's inside a book called The
Key To Success by Tony Robbins.

Pretty clever, right?

Yeah. Oh. Here, I got the book.
Cool.

Now, there's a key code lock on
the book before you can open it.

The code is 54, 96--
Are you getting this?

Yeah, just a sec.

Fifty-four, 96... Go ahead.

Fifty-four, 96, 32,

18, 11, 59, 23.

Just a minute.
Eleven, 18, 59, 23.

There! And I have the key.
Great.

Now you just have to get
to the Vault.

So where exactly
is this "Vault"?

It's down a secret corridor
in the east wing.

Great.

Just tell me where I need to go.

PROCK:
Okay, The Vault is where we
keep the anti-matter launcher.

And it's deep within
Awesome Mountain.

You know the Awesomes'
Make-Your-Own-Sandwich Bar?

Open the sliding door below it
marked "Mustard."

Yeah, I know.
No one likes Mustard.

Now what?
Jump down the chute.

How far a drop is this?
I can't see what's down there.

You'll be fine. I promise.

I'd never let anything
happen to you.

You really wouldn't, would you?

You'd really never let anything
ever happen to me.

No. I never would.

(groans)

(tense theme plays)

Now, just put the key in
and unlock the door.

Whoa.

(grunting)

(growling)

Geronimo!

Prock, this is incredible.

Yeah, my dad started it years
ago. He was a real hoarder.

Okay, you're looking
for our antimatter launcher.

Do you see the weapons aisle?

It should be filed under A
for "Antimatter."

If not, it'll be under L
for "Launchers,"

and you'll want to take
a shuttle cart.

It's about a 15-minute ride.

Well, better get poundin'.

(yelling)

Uh-oh.

Prock, I found it.

It's right next to the
Anti-Irish Ray.

Ah, yeah, that belonged to
Gadget Gal back in the day.

Different times.
Bring it to the teleport bay

and zap it to me
at the auditorium.

That's 15201 Phyllis Diller
Arena Way, Akron, Ohio.

Grrr!
Oh!

Oh!

And Hotwire?
Yeah?

You're awesome.
Oh, Prock. I--

Sorry.

Now let's knock those rodents
back to Chuck E. Cheese's.

Holy crap.

Where's Muscleman?

Get your paws off me,
you damn dirty mongoose!

I'm a gopher, damn it!
I said it, like, 50 times.

(screaming)

What if Muscleman's
inside the gun?

I have no choice.

(beeping)

I did it!

Muscleman!

(high-pitched squeal)

Wait! Where's he going?
We don't have a winner!

We can't have a pageant
without a winner.

So you didn't think
I could do it, huh?

It's not that,
it's just--

It's just that when it comes
down to friends

and girls you like,

girls you like always win,
don't they?

That's not true.
It's just...sort of true.

Look, we're all
on this team together.

Yeah, and you want to know
why I joined this team?

It's not 'cause of your famous
dumb old dad

and our important legacy and
duty to carry this crap on.

No. I joined because of you,
man.

You're my best friend
and I thought--

I thought you and I
could be even greater heroes

than our dads ever could be.

So I'm handing in
my Awesomes ring.

Hey, we never got any rings.

Yeah, what gives?

They were on order, I swear.

Jostens is all backed up. It's
high school graduation time.

A likely story.

I may be fantastic,
but I'm no longer an Awesome.

See ya.
Muscleman, wait!

We can work this out. Maybe.

Hey,
how do you get out of here?

(phone ringing)

Malocchio's headquarters,
Malocchio speaking.

Daddy?

Daddy, I found it.

That's my girl.

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

So, what do you keep
in that purse, anyway?

Oh, I've got a lot of things.
Let's see.

Cold cream, garter belts,

crossbow, barbed wire,

a thing that lets me reach cans
on the high shelf, and--

Oh, look!
Some Jack Link's jerky.

Oh, my God.
I am starvin'.

Pass it over.

You know, they're high in
protein, which gives you energy.

I feel like I'm ready
for anything!

You're not gonna
kick me again, are you?

Son of a--

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪