The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - From Here to Paternity - full transcript

...has us wondering what
the The Awesomes will do next.

And by "wondering,"
I mean waiting.

And by "do next,"
I mean royally screw up

and make themselves
look like idiots.

And by "idiots," I mean--

--These "Awesomes",
got the whole damned world

attacked by robots!
Robots!

What could be more un-American,
more freedom hating than that?

And you know what?
The whole thing strikes me

just a little bit gay.

That's right!
You heard me, g--



When I think
of all the greatness

Mr. Awesome has brought
to this land, this world,

and how his name is being--

how do you
put this delicately--

crapped on like you've got
the sh...(bleep)

after scarfing down
a diseased Mexican dinner.

It makes me sad.

(Dr. Malocchio laughs)

That's right.
Just keep talking.

It's all music to my ears.

(laughing)

Dr. Malocchio, sir.

You have an urgent communiqué
on your secure link.

(dramatic theme playing)



(static crackles)

Sir? Sorry.

Got kind of, um,
swept up in here.

You went
pretty fast there.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.
My mistake.

You can just, uh,
shimmy down a bit.

There's a, um, kind of
a porthole sort of thing

behind the chair there.
MAN: You mean this?

Jeez! I'm sorry!
(cat yowls)

The hell's the cat doing
in here?

MAN: Got it.
Great.

Take the cat too, will you?
(cat yowls)

Thank you.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE:
Hello. It's me.

DR. MALOCCHIO:
I assume you're
delivering some news.

Preferably good news?
Do you have it?

Not yet.
But I'm getting closer.

Close is for horseshoes,
hand grenades,

and three alarm chili.
I despise chili.

I am doing everything
on my end

to keep the Awesomes
discredited,

as well as off-balance.

But you, I just need you
to do one thing. One.

I need more time. I don't
want them getting suspicious.

They all trust me.

Of course they trust you.

You are a member of the team.

Why would any of the Awesomes
suspect that one of them...

is working for me?

Sorry.

Sorry don't cut it.

So you did
all this damage?

Yes, but in pursuit
of a criminal.

That criminal?

I guess that will teach you
to shoplift.

Yes. That criminal.

Where to you want him?
Back of the squad car

or straight
to county lock-up?

You'll be hearing
from the city.

Probably want to bring us in
for a photo op with the Mayor.

Key to the city sort of stuff.
I'll bring you along,

even though I pretty much
caught him on my own.

You can't keep doing things
like this.

Didn't you hear
anything I said

about us getting
back on track as heroes?

I was trying to listen,
but it was very boring.

Muscleman,
you destroyed a city block

to catch, what, a 10 year old?
Nine.

He stole a CD
right in front of me.

What was I supposed to do?

Ignore him and wait for
your coffee like the rest of us.

When you steal music,
you steal from the artist.

I was defending...
Tori Amos?

Why is a nine year old
listening to Tori Amos?

I'm going through some stuff.

You can't keep doing
this kind of damage.

You need to learn that
your actions have consequences.

Consequences?
It's 2013!

If we've learned anything,

it's that mistakes
have no consequences.

All I have to do
is say "I'm sorry."

And I'm sorry.

That's not how it works.
Why are they fighting?

Prock and Muscleman have known
each other their whole lives.

They're like
a married couple.

Married couples fight?

All the time.
It's perfectly natural.

SUMO:
Do married couples
ever stop fighting?

Not really.
They just fall into

a comfortable
yet argumentative pattern.

Why does anyone get married?
That, young man,

is a question
I have no answer for.

If we're going be
taken seriously,

we've got to get serious.

You need to be an asset,
not a burden.

You think I'm a burden?
No. I mean, yes,

when you do dumb things--
Well, not dumb, but--

So I'm dumb
and a burden.

Excuse me, Mr. Muscleman?
Can I have your autograph?

Happily.
It's nice to be appreciated.

You've been served.

Served?
It's a subpoena.

You've been ordered
to stand trial

for an intergalactic lawsuit.

What kind of lawsuit?
Paternity.

An Intergalactic Paternity Suit?
Not again.

(electricity crackles)

Oh, I think I have
someone else's coffee.

(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

CONCIERGE:
If you can describe the alien,

I can cross-check the database
and find their home planet.

Hmm. How best
to describe it?

I would say it had a healthy
face with a buxom overtone.

To use the parlance of cows,

I would say there was
an udder quality.

It looked like the magazines
under my dad's bed.

Aw, just say it.
It had tits for eyes.

CONCIERGE: Gleeborians.
TIM: That's a funny name.

CONCIERGE:
It's a Zaranthian word.

TIM: What does it mean?
CONCIERGE: Tits for eyes.

How far away, Concierge?
Seven planet systems.

We're not transporting there
with any of our gear,

but I might be able to establish
a video connection.

Muscleman said, "not again."
Has this happened to him before?

Yeah.
Muscleman has a taste

for what you might call
alien (bleep).

Alien (bleep)?

Yeah, you know how I like
regular human (bleep)?

He likes
his (bleep) alien.

He can't get enough
alien (bleep).

I remember
walking in on him once.

Muscleman? We gotta go.
Shut the door!

CONCIERGE:
That would be a Moolite
from planet Goob.

Same thing happened to me.

Muscleman?
Shut the door!

I had the same
unfortunate outcome.

Shut the door!

Wait. I walked in on him
the other night.

Hey. Sorry.
I--I didn't mean to interrupt.

Mm. No, stay.
What?

Look at me.
Just keep looking at me.

What are you doing?
Look at me!

CONCIERGE:
That was a plant person
from the planet Aphid.

Ew! How does he find them.

I blame Greg's list.
You mean craigslist?

No. Greg's list.
If you want something

even Craig won't touch,
you turn to Greg.

Did someone call for Greg?

ALL:
Get out of here, Greg!

Oh, suit yourself.

Hey, darling. You ever want to
make real money, give me ring.

ALL:
Get out of here, Greg!

I'm getting a connection.

(static crackling)

Hello. I'm Professor Doctor
Awesome of the Awesomes,

and you have my friend.

Yes, we have the one
you call Muscleman.

Aw, man. How come Muscleman
gets to be on camera?

It's not a good thing
that he's on camera.

It is if he's trying
to put together a reel.

PROCK: We want him back.
If he is found innocent,

you can have him back.

And he's supposed
to defend himself?

A man who defends himself
has a fool for a client,

so that actually might work
for Muscleman.

Very well. We shall beam two
people of Muscleman's choosing

to serve as his legal team.

Impresario, you're in charge
while I'm gone.

Hotwire, you can
come with me.

I could use your sharp mind
and friendly friendship.

I choose Impresario
and Frantic.

Uh, I'm sorry, what?

You're picking
Impresario and Frantic?

I do not care for the italics
that you put on our names.

Yeah!
We're a great choice.

Hey, what'd we get
choosed for?

PROCK:
You can't let him do this.
He's not in his right mind.

He has to choose me.
No, please, Prock. I couldn't.

I would hate to be a burden.
Muscleman!

The defendant
has made his decision.

And he won't regret it.

(giggles):
This is tickly!

We're going to a place
with cameras.

I can't believe it.

He always turns to me
when he's in trouble.

COMPUTER VOICE:
Alert. Alert.

A level 5 criminal act
is in progress.

CONCIERGE:
TMI Bank and Trust
has been robbed.

You could send us.

Last I checked, we're all
members of The Awesomes.

Don't you trust us?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Um...

Gadget Gal, Sumo, Hotwire.

You three head after
the bank robber,

I'll work on getting our guys
back from space.

Or I could stay here
and help you.

She thinks she should
stay here with me.

Yes, you should.
Stay here with me. Right, okay.

That's the plan.
You two go, we stay.

You're making me take the kid?

Last I checked we were all
members of The Awesomes.

Don't you trust me?

Touché, kid. You can come,
but stay out of my way.

So what now?

We get our friends back.

(romantic theme playing)

And you forgot I was here.

Oh. Jeez,
I'm sorry. I did.

I did forget.
Whatever. I'll make coffee.

- Thank you.
- Oh, suck it!

FRANTIC:
Where you taking us?

GLEEBORIAN:
Your friend's paternity trial
is about to begin.

We are taking you
to the courtroom.

Now remember, Frantic, this is
a different culture than ours.

It's important
that we act dignified

for our entire time
on this alien pl--

Welcome to...

ALL:
Who's the Daddy?

(upbeat music playing)

A TV show? This keeps
getting better!

Ah, let's see a clip
from last week.

Kleep Klox, you are...

...not the daddy!
(crowd cheers)

I told you, I told you.

Aww. And tonight,
for the first time ever,

we find out if a human
is the daddy.

Stay tuned
after this quick break.

That's a cut.

We gotta do something
about these lights.

I'm sweating
my under face off.

(crowd cheering)

You can see
your friend now.

So, what are you doing?

Building a transporter
to go and get Muscleman.

Can you believe
he didn't want my help?

Maybe Frantic and Impresario
can get him back.

Um, have you not been
paying attention?

Because things kind of
fall to pieces

when I'm not
telling people what to do.

But people will never learn
how to take care of themselves

if you don't let them try.
That's what...

the Holographic Image Projection
Integration Engine Room is for.

It's faster if you just
call it the HIPIER.

We practice in a way that people
can't get hurt. Done.

You just made
a transporter?

PROCK: Well, I am genius.
HOTWIRE: Wow, that's amazing.

Does it work?
Almost.

I just need
an energy source.

Witnesses say the perp
was an older male,

possibly in his late 70s,
early 80s.

Dressed like a supervillain.

Old and evil.

That's Mama's
favorite flavor of danger.

So, what do we do now?

Are you gonna be asking
questions all day, Short Pants?

Because if so,
I can drop you off at daycare.

I'm at an age when my learning
capacity is at its highest.

My parents say every day
is a classroom.

They seem like fun folks.

Seriously,
what's the next step?

Step one: find a place an old
villain would go to blend in.

Step two: you look in their eyes
and see if you detect villany.

(man grunts)

He's good.

(grunts)
She checks out.

Isn't there something
a little more efficient?

There's always step three:
Intimidation.

Ahem.
My name is Gadget Gal.

The Oriental boy here
is Tim.

Oriental isn't
the accepted term.

To this lot it is.

We are looking for villains.

If any of you knows where a
villain is and doesn't tell us,

that makes you a villain.
And that would make us very mad.

And you don't
want to see us very mad.

(crowd gasps)

(growling)

(all screaming)

(growling)

Don't do that!

I suppose you have
a better plan.

I do. But first, I think
we better get out of here.

(screaming)
He doesn't look good.

Just-- Come on.

So you're a human?

Muscleman.
Nice to meet you.

Yeah, I'm Glorbo.

They trying to pin
a kid on you too?

No. The woman that
you procreated with,

yeah, that's my wife.

Either the baby is mine
and I'll have the honor

of fatherhood,
or it's yours

and I shall
live out my life in shame.

This works out great then.

Let's tell them you want the kid
and I'll get out of here.

It doesn't the way.

I mean, the child decides.
(door opens)

Great to see
you guys.

This is, uh... Kevin?

It's Glorbo.
I am so bad with names.

So I assume you have
an escape plan all ready to go.

Escape plan!
Grab them!

In the future, Muscleman,
don't ask about the escape plan

in front of those you are
endeavoring to escape from.

Knew it as soon
as I said it.

If it makes you feel any better,
we didn't have a plan.

That does make me feel
a little better.

Let's get you to the stage.

They're taking us
to the stage!

The better keeps
getting better.

This is not better!

MUSCLEMAN:
Is now a good time to say I wish
I'd asked for Prock?

IMPRESARIO:
No!

So where are you gonna
find a power source

strong enough
for a transporter?

Well... Stop!

I probably shouldn't
tell her about the Vault.

Muscleman would be furious.
But you know what,

I'm furious at Muscleman so
maybe this is just payback.

But am I really going
to reveal the biggest secret

of Awesome Mountain to Hotwire
just out of pettiness?

On the other hand, it's Hotwire.
Marriages are built on trust.

and even though we're not
married now we will be one day

and I'd feel better
about her vows

if I just tell her about
the Vault now.

It's settled. I'll tell
her because I love her

and as a bonus it will
irritate Muscleman. Start!

If I tell you a secret
do you promise not to tell?

Cross my heart
and hope to die.
So--

Boss, you better come
to the control room.

Is it important?

Well, Gadget Gal and Tim

just made a roomful
of senior citizens

do a number two in their
Depends. So you tell me.

Ugh, it's important.

So we struck out at bingo
but there are more places

for the old and villainous
to congregate.

Where is the nearest
soup dispensary?

You need to use technology

if you want to get
anything done these ways.

Whether you're looking for soup
or villains in hiding,

there's an app for that.

What a novel invention.

I thought those contraptions
were just used

to trade photos
of one's privates.

They do that too.
(beeping)

What's wrong?
Well, according to this,

there's a villain in hiding
right here. But the only person

I see is that sweet old man
feeding the birds.

He can't be
our bank robber.

Bird Master.

Gadget Gal.

Stop right there!

You'll never take me alive!
Attack!

TIM:
According to this,

Bird Master fought
the Awesomes in the early '50s,

and can talk to birds--
Just get behind me, squirt.

I wanna fight too!

The day I fight with a kid
is the day I hang 'em up.

(dramatic theme playing)

(cries)
(both scream)

You made a terrible
mistake, Gadget Gal.

I just needed some cash

so I could live out
my life in retirement.

But now I have
the taste of evil anew!

And now my birds and I
shall destroy this city!

(laughs then coughs)

So should we go now?
Yeah, let's go now.

(mysterious theme playing)

(crowd cheering)

Uh, is this a seat that will be
in the crowd reaction shots?

Because I promise you, I make
excellent crowd reactions.

What? No! She didn't!

Ha-ha-ha! My Lord!

Where is your decency, sir--?

I owe you a debt
of gratitude, sir.

Oh, don't eat the rag!

Show's starting!

Let's bring out the mama!

(crowd cheering)

You can't say
I don't have good taste

when it comes to alien women.

By the looks of it, the child
is ready to select its father.

Will it choose Glorbo of Zaxy?
(crowd cheers)

Or Muscleman of Earth?
(crowd boos)

Theyre out for blood.
We need a plan.

Kill the Earthling!
Kill the Earthling!

Frantic!
I'm sorry,

this is my favorite
kind of show.

The minute we showed up
I was more excited

than when Columbus crashed
his boat into Florida.

I feel like I belong here.

If you watched
so many of these shows,

tell me what we should do.
I do have one idea.

But how would I
get myself free?

This is one of those puzzles
Prock is so good at solving.

But you're smart too.
Thank you, Frantic.

Now let's see. What if you
vibrated as fast as you could?

That might give you
enough to wiggle out of there.

I'm free!
Great! Now what's your plan?

Watch and learn. This always
works on shows like this.

And without further ado--
(Frantic yells)

Oof! What in the--?
Get him, Frantic!

You monster! I loved her!
What? Unh!

(crowd cheering)

I'm gonna
kill everybody here.

(screams)

Bad plan, Frantic.
I'm sorry,

but I ain't never
felt so alive in my life.

So what do we do now?
Cross our fingers

and hope Muscleman
isn't the father.

Don't worry, fellas!
This cannon shoots blanks!

His confidence
is so contagious.

(suspenseful theme playing)

(yelling)

Put me down you big oaf!

You may be strong but it's going
to take a real superhero

to stop Bird Master!

Join me,
my feathered brethren,

or should I say "feathren."

Chirp.
No? I shouldn't say "feathren"?

Chirp.
Too much?

Chirp.
Oh, too confusing. Yeah.

Yeah, I can see that.
But also thank you

for giving me
your honest opinion.

Chirp.

Nice try, Gadget Gal,

but you're too far away
for your toys to be of use!

Now let's take back the skies!

(ominous theme playing)

I think it's sweet
that Gadget Gal and Tim

were spending time together.

She's been dragging him
around town

on a self-destructive search
for vengeance.

Tim should be spending time
with me,

learning how to be a superhero.

Prock, this is a team.
And yes, you're its leader,

but at some point
you need to accept

that you can't do everything.

Delegating is part of your job.

You're so smart. And lovely.
And nice.

So I delegate you to be
in charge of saying smart,

lovely and nice things.

See.
You're great at delegating.

It's such a nice--
Birds!

(Prock & Hotwire screaming)

Welcome back!

We've come to the most important
part of our program!

It's time to find out--

ALL:
Who's! The! Daddy!

Will it be Glorbo?

Or will it be the human?

ALL (chanting):
Who's! The! Daddy!
Who's! The! Daddy!

Who's! The! Daddy!

Release the child!

(all gasp)

(Bleep)
Even his seed is strong.

Come to me, my boy.
Come to me, my beautiful boy.

(whistling)

Glorp.

CROWD:
Aw.

Oh, no.
What's happening?

His fatherly instincts
are kicking in.

Come to your papa, little guy.

IMPRESARIO:
This isn't good.

Can't you use your powers,
Impresario?

But how? I told you,
there's too many guards.

That's why now is the time
for trickery.

You're smart too,
Frantic.

Thank you,
Impresario.

No! My shame! Come to me!

Over here, baby. I mean--

Come to me, boy.

Wait! What are you doing?
That's not me! It's a trick.

I'm your daddy
and I'm gonna raise you right!

No! No! No!

The baby has chosen!

The humans are free to go.

And now,
as is the tradition,

the son shall honor
the father...

Come on, buddy.
You don't need to see this.

No. I want to look at
the little fella one last time.

...by eating him!

What did he just say?
ALL: Eat the dad!

Eat the dad!
Honor!

Earth has such a long way to go
until they have TV this good.

Well,
he's got your appetite.

Let's get
the fuck out of here.

(both screaming)

He's right!
I don't have the distance!

(action theme playing)

Well, look at you. But what
are you going to shoo--?

Kid's got moxie!

Head for the plane! Your
sacrifice will not be in vain!

What happened? Who saved us?
Gadget Gal?

At your service!

She can't fly, can she?

She's not flying,
she's falling!

And I can't do anything
about it!

We're going out together,
old foe.

Any last words?

If I said "feathren,"
what would you think I meant?

Feathered brethren.

You were always
smart as a whip.

And I know how to use one
in the bedroom. Farewell life!

Well, I have to say,
you do come in handy sometimes.

(grunts)

Ugh, gross!

Are you guys okay?
We're better than okay!

Kid here really
impressed me today.

He's a fast learner when
it comes to the hero biz.

I just have
a good teacher.

What's say I treat you
to a milkshake?

Sounds great.

Where is the nearest
soda fountain?

1958.

See. Sometimes they don't
need you.

Sure. Sometimes. But none
of this changes the fact

that Impresario,
Frantic and Muscleman are--

You're back!
And better than ever!

I got an agent
on Gleeboria!

He mostly does extra work
but he thinks he can use me.

I guess they do a lot of movies

where humans run
screaming from things

and that is my bread and butter.
Watch!

What happened?
Well, to be honest we got luck--

What happened was Impresario
and Frantic saved me.

They were great.

You should be really proud
of them.

I am. And...

I'm sorry about
what I said earlier.

You're not a burden.
You're anything but that.

It's just--
You want us to do better.

You're right.
And we will.

Not just be better heroes,
but be better role models.

I'm through with
alien (bleep).

Don't get me wrong. I still
love me some alien (bleep).

But if giving up alien (bleep)
will help this team,

then I've (bleep)
my last alien (bleep).

Um, thanks?

(blowing nose)

And that goes for all you!

We're gonna help Prock
show the world

what happens when we focus
on doing our jobs.

The Awesomes can be
truly awesome!

What's Frantic
doing over there?

Is that a press
conference?

So when my alien agent called
and asked if I wanted be

a judge in the Miss Global
Beauty Pageant, I said:

Absolutely!

'Cause there's three things
I love.

Boobs and looking at 'em.
Yee-haw!

Boobs.

It's refreshing to not be
the one you're mad at.

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

I will not get in there
and let you teleport me.

Come on. I just wanna test it.

(growls)
Oh, this is perfect.

Go ahead, big guy.

Take a look.

Okay, I'll set this to send him
back to his native habitat.

Where's he from?

I don't know.
The woods of Canada?

Toronto? That sounds like woods.

(beeping, crackling)

It worked!

Wow.

He didn't leave a trace.
(growls)

Uh-oh.

(beeping, crackling)

So... how was Toronto?

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah, you won't even dance ♪