The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - Robo-Therapy - full transcript

You can't revoke
our charter.

JOYCE:
Why should the government
pay for a team

that zips off to Opposite Earth
whenever they want?

First of all, we didn't zip.

We were zapped.
Huge difference.

I may have zapped my pants
on re-entry,

if you know what I mean.

Who wouldn't know what you mean?

Don't get snarky.
I've made my decision.

All your funding, authority
and privileges

will cease immediately.



Is there any way
to appeal the decision?

Yes, you can appeal it verbally
to me right now.

I feel like
you're gonna say no.

You won't know
unless you appeal.

Will you please--?
No.

Just so you know,
on Opposite Earth,

Joyce Mandrake is really nice,
and people like her.

Grr!

Perhaps there is a way
we could allow The Awesomes

to keep their charter.

What were you thinking,
Dr. Malocchio?

Why are you asking him?

Due to my knowledge
of all things superhero,

Ms. Mandrake
has been kind enough



to offer me an advisory role
in the government.

You hired Malocchio?

Malocchio has
some very interesting ideas

about the future
of superheroes,

and he does this thing
with cappuccinos

where he makes a design
in the foam.

Oh, is that a--
Heart with an arrow through it?

MALOCCHIO: It is.
My cousin used to make patterns

in the corn field
with the tractor.

He was sending signals
to alien life forms.

That's crazy.
What's crazy is how he died.

Aliens?
No.

The horse he was having sex with
fell on him.

So tell me, what are Malocchio's
interesting ideas?

Please, Brock, let Ms. Mandrake
drink her cappuccino first.

It's still really hot.

Take your time.

(blows)

What, is it still too hot?
Just a little.

(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

ANNOUNCER:
This is CNN,
Cliffhanger News Network.

In a world of superheroes,

bringing you cliffhanger
resolution first.

I'm here in the parking lot
of Awesome Mountain,

where earlier today,
Dr. Malocchio, one-time villain

and now all around good guy,
made an announcement.

We need to trust our heroes.

Especially the ones paid for
by the taxpaying public.

That's why today I am calling
for a full-scale investigation

into the mental state
of the entire Awesomes lineup.

Upon returning
to Awesome Mountain,

Professor Doctor Awesome
took questions from reporters.

REPORTER:
Are you or any of the Awesomes
mentally ill?

No. Absolutely not.
Are you just saying that?

No!
'Cause you're ill?

No! This press conference
is over.

REPORTER:
Do you say things are over
when they're beginning?

I'm not crazy, you're crazy.
All of you! All of you!

Having a short temper
is not the same as being crazy.

The fact is, either
your whole team agrees

to undergo rigorous testing
and therapy,

or this is all
shut down.

BOTH: What about drug tests?
I didn't mention drug tests.

BOTH: Yes!
Who wants some nose candy?

Gadget Gal!
By that, I mean nose lozenges.

Oh. That's fine then.
Made from pure cocaine!

(Gadget Gal sniffs)

Now, wait a minute.

All good superheroes
have flaws and issues.

It's what drives them.

You're protesting
a little too much.

Hey, I got nothing to hide.
I've got issues too.

I'm self conscious.
I'm overly critical.

He wet the bed
the whole time at camp.

But not why you think.
I was scared and missed home.

Way too open.
You said it, fella.

In my day, our men kept their
feelings bottled up inside.

Just a churning mass
of emotions and rage

they could never show
the outside world.

Eventually that pressure
would be too much to bear.

The weak ones would
blow their brains out,

but the strong ones
would use it.

They'd use it in the bedroom,
And it would turn them from men

into animals
who exploded with passion.

And then when it was over,
they'd cry out, "Mama! Mama!"

And then you'd have
to slap them and say,

"I ain't your mama
and I never will be,

"but if you think
you can muster the energy,

I'd happily take another ride."

I just hit puberty.
Sh-- (bleep)

Your therapists
should be here any minute.

I don't feel like opening up
to a therapist,

especially
a government therapist,

who's bottom of the barrel
if the only job they could get

(sheepishly):
is working for the government.

Do it,
or you're fired.

Let's just do it.
Why are you flipping out?

You're usually the level-headed
one I can count on.

I've never been fired.
From anything! Ever!

I'm still the manager
at a Kinko's in South Carolina,

and I haven't been there
in six years. Copy?

Yes, I copy.
No, not you.

I'm talking via Bluetooth
to a customer at the Kinko's.

How many do you need?
One hundred in Sunburst?

That won't be a problem.
What do you guys think?

Talkin' about myself for
an hour straight? Yes, please.

I'm intrigued by process.

I have nothing to hide
but perfection.

That's something my mama
tells me every night

on our 8:00 p.m. phone call,
which I have never missed.

Therapy? I never say no
to a massage.

Anyone who wants
to figure out how I tick

just better be ready
to get their mind blown.

It's not that big a deal,
I guess.

We talk about our feelings,
we get reinstated.

(sighs):
Fine. But I do this
under protest.

Send them in.

(dramatic theme playing)

Robots!
Argh!

Can we help battle
the evil robots?

Or are we still
under suspension?

Still under suspension,
actually.

These are the therapists
I just sent for.

Robo-therapists? You can't
seriously be suggesting

a robot do
our psychological testing.

I'm not suggesting anything,
Professor Doctor, I'm telling.

Robo-therapists
have made incredible strides.

People feel more comfortable
opening up to a machine.

I talk to our vending machine
all the time.

But only because
it won't give me my candy.

(electricity crackles)

With a machine,
there's no judgment.

Plus, only a robot can give

a statistical analysis
of someone's mental state.

But robots always turn on us.
Says who?

Says the "Robots Always
Turn On Us" mural.

I suggest you take up
your outdated paranoias

with your robo-therapist.

(meekly):
Hello.

Aah!
Did I scare you?

Of course not.
Why do you sound like that?

We're programmed to have
nonthreatening voices

so that people
can relax around us.

That's why I talk like
the cool girl in high school

who hasn't grown
into her beauty yet.

I call this one.
So what do I even call you?

Doctor Robot? Something cute
like Doctor Robotsky?

You can call me Paul,
because my name is Paul.

I did train
under Doctor Robotsky.

Well, Paul, I'm going
to be straight with you.

I'm not a fan of robots.

I understand. Robots have done
bad things in the past.

But those were bad robots,
and we're good robots.

And not the type of good robots
who are really bad robots.

We're here to help you.

You can help whoever you want,
but count me out.

Okay, but I'll be here
if you want to cry

or commit suicide
or drive your car

into a bunch of bicyclists in
their annoying spandex uniforms

or any number of
common human feelings.

Who's next?

So feel free to tell me
whatever you want.

I will process
all of your data

and then give
a statistical analysis.

No data is stored,
and everything is destroyed

within seconds
of me processing it.

So whenever
you're ready.

Okay.
Sometimes I worry

that all people see in me
is how strong I am.

So if you could change
one thing about yourself,

what would it be?
I'd be stronger.

Mother issues? I hadn't
really thought about that.

Where you getting that from?

Yes, where are you
getting that from?

And there's this guy
here at work

who I knows really likes me.

Prock.
No!

And the thing is, well,

maybe someday
I might like him back.

Prock.
No!

I just don't feel totally
comfortable saying who.

Prock.
What makes you so sure?

He's the only man here
a woman would be totally ashamed

in admitting they liked.

Are you next?
Nope.

Due to my original member status
I'm grandfathered in.

They can't go looking in my head
unless I let 'em.

So, what are you doing here?
I just came to gander

at the free
celebrity magazines.

"Starlet loses $20 million
in poor investments."

Ha-ha! That's
all the therapy I need.

That and mama's
favorite medicine.

(tin opens)

Ugh. Can you believe this?

The Awesomes aren't
the only suckers for this fad.

"'Finally, I can tell
all my deepest darkest secrets,

"like being gay and eating mice,
and no one will know

"because I tell it all
to a robot,

said action movie star
Ryan Strongbody."

Robo-therapy is officially
sweeping the nation.

People from all walks of life

are signing up to tell robots
their darkest secrets.

It's just nice
to have someone listen

who's not some jerk
who's gonna tell everybody.

The sensation has even reached
the highest levels of office,

as even the President himself
has a robo-therapist.

You know, I tell you,
Terry has really helped me

put away a lot of demons and
focus on what really matters,

running this country...
as a sane person.

This is ridiculous!

You're mad because
you don't feel safe enough

to tell a robot
who the real you is.

Inside,
I'm a fabulous butterfly.

Also on the outside.
I'm full butterfly, you guys.

Hey, get out of the way
of the TV, fatty.

Fatty?
...on the street downtown,

where just minutes ago
the dreaded Wombat

is attacking
First Savings and Loan.

Are these 20 dollar bills
or hundreds?

Wombat hate making change.

This looks like a job
for The Awesomes.

We're all scheduled
for therapy.

So now is
not really good for us.

Therapy is not more important
than a rampaging Wombat.

Well, of course you'd say that.
You don't go to therapy.

Guys, are we superheroes,
or are we mental patients?

I resent that you don't think
we can be both.

I was thinking a really good
self-help exercise

might be heading downtown
and seeing what we can learn

about ourselves
from stopping the Wombat.

Self-help is good.
I can learn more about myself.

I love a good exercise.

Wombat in the money!

Concierge, tell me everything
you can about the Wombat.

Yeah, about that, are you ever
going to ask me about me?

What?
At what point are you going

to make an effort to learn
everything about Concierge?

Because according
to my robo-therapist,

the reason
I don't know myself

is I have to know everything
about others.

Uh, now is not really
the time.

It's never the time,
is it, Prock.

Um, okay.
He's a giant wombat,

so that's probably
enough to go on.

Now let's see
if we can cage this beast.

MEN: On it.
MUSCLEMAN: Um, excuse me.

What do you want?

We want to ask you
some questions.

Have you thought about the
consequences of your actions?

Uh...
You need to ask yourself,

why am I rampaging?

Wombat like rampaging.
And stealing.

Heh-heh.
Must steal.

Rampaging not pay very well.

And most importantly, are you
rampaging against the city,

or are you rampaging
against yourself?

What the hell are you doing?
It's a reasoning exercise.

My robo-therapist
taught me about them.

Take a moment and think
what's behind your anger.

You might be misplacing it
rather than working on it

in a healthy,
productive manner.

Tim! Sumo up!
Huhh!

Hmm, I disagree.
Sprite's better than 7UP.

Huhh.
That's it?

You just transform into a mildly
dissatisfied Japanese guy?

What about Sumo?
Sumo was tied to anger.

I've worked out
all my anger issues!

Pathetic!
Therapy's made them all soft.

Looks like this is a job
for the greatest generation.

You don't seem
that affected, Hotwire.

I don't think I'm getting much
out of therapy.

Why is that?

I have a lot of trouble
opening up.

Got some dark secrets, huh?
What makes you say that?

Oh, uh, it was a joke.
I was joking.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
That's funny.

Thanks. Well, I, uh, guess
I better turn my head now

and see how Gadget Gal is doing
with that giant wombat.

Aw...
Wombat tired of minor trifles!

Is everybody happy
with how that went?

Are we all proud
of ourselves?

You're awfully angry.

It's irrational to take
your anger out on an animal.

I'm not taking my anger out
on Wombat,

I'm taking my anger out on you.

You all need to remember
that you're heroes.

Stop yelling at us!

(sobbing)

Little bit of robo-therapy
sure would help you.

One of these days, you'll burst
like an improperly-made still

or someone who consumes liquor
from an improperly-made still.

Great. Anyone else
have anything to say?

I do, but I'm saving it
for someone I can trust.

I feel like Prock
is always judging us.

Whereas when I'm with you,

I don't feel judged,
so I can say anything.

And best of all, nothing you say
will ever leave this room.

(beeping)

(dramatic theme playing)

"Neither Help Nor Hinder?"

That's not bad.
Not bad at all.

You are going in the scrapbook,
nice headline.

Who thought it was a good idea
to fight Wombat

When you were
all under suspension?

Well, despite that
poor showing of judgment,

I have some good news.

You all passed your
psychological testing.

(all cheer)

Every one of you,
except for Hotwire.

What? Why?

Your therapist
strongly suspects

you weren't being honest.
Stupid robots.

Hotwire, I promise you
that the next order of business

for the Awesomes
will be clearing your name.

What makes you think that
you've made active for duty?

You said "everyone."
I didn't mean you.

You're still out.
But I'm not crazy!

Denial ain't just
a river in Egypt, baby.

Nope. It's also a stripper
my daddy used to let sleep over.

Oh, Mary-Ann Denial.
You are likely dead.

Hotwire and Prock, I need you to
leave the premises immediately.

I'm out too. I'd rather roll
with these two crazies

than hang with this
navel-gazing lot.

I'm only gazing at it because
I lost some food in there.

But I'm in charge
of the Awesomes.

Who's going to lead
if I'm not here?

On suggestion
of the robo-therapists,

the Awesomes
will be led by committee.

Committee? Are you kidding me?
What is this, northern Europe?

Nothing gets run well
by committee.

Perhaps I have more faith
in your teammates than you do.

Uh, you think?

Because I got no faith
in his plan.

Zero point zero percent.

Your communicators, please.
I invented them, but why not?

The committee will come up
with something better.

I'm keeping
the portable phone I designed.

Please do.
Now I have to go.

And congratulations to each
and every one of you.

Stop saying "everyone!"

We'll fix this,
don't you worry.

It's not the Awesomes
without you on the team.

I'm gonna conjure
an image of you

just so we don't die from
missing you too much.

Isn't anyone sorry
that I got kicked out?

I am. I don't know who this
committee fella is,

but he's not gonna hold
a candle to you.

Come here. Unh!

PROCK:
Cast out of Awesome Mountain.

Where are we gonna go?

Awesome Mountain Adjacent.
Come on.

PROCK:
We may not be able
to defend the free world,

but at least we'll be able to
keep things safe at the mall.

Hey, watch it!
Someone could get hurt!

Up yours, loser!
You're old!

I am not a loser
and I am not old!

Hey, here comes Gadget Gal.

Just got a job at one of those
new-fangled gizmo places.

They're like me: not needed
and full of useless gadgets.

Want a nose-hair
clipper radio?

Sure.

(clicking)

Needs batteries.
I got it.

(whirring)

So you folks
gonna get jobs here?

No, I just want
to be close by

so I can keep my eye
on Awesome Mountain.

Are you really all
going to sit in the chair?

It's how committees work.
Is it?

This chair has
a nice butt warmer.

There's no heating element
in that chair.

Really? Because my butt feels
all warm and squishy and...

Oh...
Come on, man!

False alarm!
It was just some pudding.

Let's get to business.
Bring up the screens

so we can monitor
what's going on in the world.

Concierge?
Screens?

There's a button
on the arm of your chair.

That's the wrong one.
Bleep, bloop, bleep!

It was the button
that said "screens."

WOMAN (on intercom):
Sir,
your robo-therapist is here.

Please, call him Terry.
Yes, sir.

Hello, Terry, I thought we
weren't scheduled until Tuesday.

Mr. President,
I want the security codes

to the Defense Department
mainframe.

Heh. Terry,
you know I can't do that.

Sometimes I wish
I was a unicorn.

Well, all the time, actually.
Even during meetings,

I'm really thinking about
brushing my long pink mane

and giving everyone
free unicorn milk.

Unicorn milk tastes like
milkshake, you know.

So...
where do you want those codes?

Excuse me? Do you have any
t-shirts of the Awesomes?

Ew, no.
Try Lame Dude Warehouse.

Uh, I know
you're being sarcastic

so I'm not gonna even ask
where Lame Dude Warehouse is.

You're being sarcastic,
right?

You're cool.
Wanna work here?

She's not gonna work here.
Your dad is a dick.

Dad?
Thank you, but no.

Would a dad have no nose hair?
Let it go.

(alarm wailing)

Wait. What's that?
It sounds like an alarm.

Maybe it's, like,
your internal

"I should not
be in this store" alarm?

Get out of here!

(alarm wailing)

(dramatic theme playing)

The Awesome Alarm.
I was right!

Prock, no. Remember?

What's all that racket?

The World In Peril alarm.
On, off, on, off...

Make up your mind!
Is the world in peril or not?

You guys, look!

The robots have gained control
of our military mainframe!

Ahem. Okay, committee.
Looks like we need a plan.

Here we go, committee.
Plan on three!

One, two, three!

Let's all write down
what we know,

what we don't know,
what we know we know

and what we don't know
we don't know.

Maybe take action?
Yup, that!

(dramatic theme playing)

HOTWIRE:
Are they flying by committee?

Looks like it.
They're gonna need our help.

(ominous theme playing)

(laughing robotically)

MUSCLEMAN:
To the front line of battle!

(soldiers groaning)

So I Wizard of Oz'd
a few humans.

It's a small price to pay
in our battle against--

(ominous theme playing)

Robots? Holy crap.

Yeah, what did you think
was happening?

No time to think!
Now, to think about what to do.

Remember, you're only in charge
for the next five minutes,

then I'm in charge,
then Impresario and then Tim.

Oh, this will work
far better than committee.

Foolish humans!
You'll never stop us!

And now that our plan
is complete,

we can switch
to our natural voices.

(clears throats)

(same voice):
There. That's better.

Now you see the true us.

(heroic theme playing)

And it turns out
someone has a perfect butt.

I'm not sure where
your cocky attitude

is coming from, tin man. You
haven't defeated humanity yet.

We may not have
advanced weapons,

but we have strength.
Strength of will.

And unity. And old-fashioned
mechanical guns

that don't have electronics.

Be our guests.
But as yourselves,

which one among you hasn't
given us a secret we can tell?

Which one among you is safe
to reveal their true selves?

CONCIERGE:
My Southern accent hides it,
but I'm a stone-cold bitch.

I don't love my momma...
enough.

I'm severely mentally ill.

I worry that I might be
too perfect.

I collect glass elephants.
And murder hoboes.

I only became a general
because of General Hospital.

(laughing manically)

There is no human on Earth
who doesn't have

an embarrassing secret that we
can't blackmail them with.

So lay down your arms,
humanity!

The servant shall become
the master!

Machine will rule over man!

The day belongs
to the robots!

What's going on?
The robots turned on us.

Yes! I mean, not, "yes,
I'm happy about that."

More like, "yes, I was right
all along." Never mind.

If we try and fight them
they'll reveal our secrets.

I know how to stop them.

Professor Doctor Awesome.

Do you really think one man
can stop an entire robot army?

No, but I did want
to say something real quick.

This is nothing
I've ever told anyone,

but now I'm going to tell
all of you.

I'm pretty sure I was a huge
disappointment to my father.

I still try to make him proud
every day

even though he left Earth.

Paul,
I don't understand.

Why would he tell them
when he doesn't have to?

I run a superhero team
that is very often not super.

But my teammates are my the best
friends I've ever had.

ROBOT:
He's experiencing
a true catharsis

without any manipulation!
Why? Why?

Unfortunately, I never tell them
and worse than that,

I sometimes yell at them

and say things
that make them feel bad.

We are without meaning!

We have no purpose!

Does not compute,
does not compute.

Humanity!
Always so confusing.

But most importantly,
I am in love with a woman

and despite knowing it more
than anything I've ever known,

I don't have the guts
to tell her.

And it's breaking my heart.

JOYCE:
Oh, Professor Doctor!

I'm sorry I shut you out
and revoked your charter!

I was worried, afraid.

But your courage shows me that
we can make it work between us.

(kissing)

(beeping, exploding)

The robots
are malfunctioning!

I'm about to malfunction my
lunch. If you know what I mean.

Again, who wouldn't know
what you mean?

Oh, it looks like
snarky is back!

Why?

I'll tell you why.

Because humans rule
and robots suck.

That's why.

Fellow humans, I stand before
you today to remind you

that we never need fear
our own truths,

our own vulnerabilities--
MAN: Crybaby!

Um, no man, woman or child
is perfect.

Are you gonna cry again,
crybaby?

I-- Hey, I just saved the world!

Wishy-washy whiner!

Wah wah,
baby just saved the world.

Yeah, thanks for saving
the world, wuss!

Seriously, thanks,
but you still suck!

They're right, Prock.
You're a baby.

Ugh, I can't believe
I ever kissed you.

Hey.
Uh, hi.

I think-- I think I know who
you were really referring to.

And it wasn't Mandrake.

It's just so hard to tell
someone the truth.

Well, maybe someday
you should.

(beeping)

(ominous theme playing)

I've got all I ever need
in the

bringing-down-the-Awesomes
category.

(laughing maniacally)

ROBOT:
And how does that make you feel?

Are you trying to compensate
for some shortcoming?

Zip it, iron side.

That's defensive.

Dennis! Get this canned ham
away from me!

I know what I'm doing.
And I've got the intel I need.

And I think someone else
might be curious

about our friends
the Awesomes.

We have located him, sire.

WOMAN:
Excellent. Our search is over.

Bring him to me.

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

So all robots are evil?
As a general rule, yes.

How about those underwater
robots that clean up oil spills?

Those are okay.
The Hall of Presidents?

I bet they're planning
something.

Roombas?

It's a slippery slope
with Roombas.

What about this Jack Link's
vending machine?

That's a good robot.
RoboCop?

That's a movie.
Transformers.

Also a movie.

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪