The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Parallel World - full transcript

Something seems familiar
about these guys.

It's like they're cool-looking
versions of us.

Not cool. Evil!
They're evil versions of us.

And I'll add, evil me
looks kind of whoreish.

It's a pretty great
coat, though.

Figures evil me
would have style.

I bet she had boyfriends
instead of cats too.

I know what happened, we got
thrown through a wormhole.

And now we're in
a parallel world.

Parallel world! Right of passage
for a superhero team.

Very exciting.



How does this not freak you out?

I don't really get freaked out.

But when I do, you can
see it coming, because I puke.

Got a nervous tum-tum.

Are we sure they're evil?

Excuse me! Are you guys evil?

You'll never be alone again.

Aww.

Yeah, they're evil.

We're the Awesomes. And you are?

I am Professor Astounding.
Word up.

This is Conjurer.
Mercenary Mol.

Bad Dragon.
Kid Meth.

And the Info Bitch.
We are the Astoundings.



IMPRESARIO:
Astoundings?

Shouldn't you have an opposite
name, like the (bleep)?

(bleep) works for me.

Watch that mouth, Dorothy.
You ain't in Kansas anymore.

No, but we did find
ourselves a witch.

Oh snap!
Oh snap!

(in unison):
Hey, he talks just like me!

Look, we're not here to make any
trouble. This is your world--

That's right. It's our world.
On our world, there's one rule.

You better check yourselves
before you wreck yourselves.

Y'all, this fake Prock
talks weird.

We don't want to fight.

And besides, if we did fight,
it would be a stalemate.

We've got the same powers.
We're totally evenly matched.

Evenly matched?
Oh, no, you didn't!

(dramatic theme playing)

Hmm. That's way worse than
I thought it would be.

(Muscleman vomits)

(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

Mariko Sanji Garcia here at
the scene of the disappearance

of the once famed superhero
team The Awesomes.

Moments ago, the dreaded super
villains, the IT department,

attacked the woefully
out-matched super team.

According to eyewitness
accounts, during the fracas,

when two energy beams collided,

The Awesomes were pulled
into a vortex.

I am absolutely 100%
going to find them.

I will leave no stone unturned.

See this stone? I already turned
it, and they are not there.

But that will not keep me from
looking under all other stones.

All other stones.

(crowd applauds)

Has the fact that your
girlfriend Hotwire

is among the missing made this
of greater urgency?

Heroes have vanished, sir.

My personal feelings are to see
every one of them returned.

Also, I wouldn't call her
my "girlfriend."

That's kind label-y. We're just
hanging out, feel me?

It is this sort of nonsense that
I have been fighting against.

If The Awesomes had agreed
to take part in my program,

Operations Safe,

they would have been spared
this trauma.

Ask the heroes and villains who
agreed to have powers removed.

Aren't you people
much happier now?

Well, I miss being able to fly.

Me too.

My life has no meaning.

SUPERHEROES:
We are all much happier now.

Where are they?

I don't know.
I looked everywhere on Earth.

And not like the cliche, I've
got x-ray and telescopic vision.

I mean, I looked
everywhere on Earth.

I saw a lot of naked people
I'd rather not have seen.

And reruns of Friends.

No matter where you look,

there's always
a rerun of Friends.

This wasn't my plan. We've got
to get the Awesomes back.

Then I've got to figure out how
to make lemonade out of lemons.

You just squeeze the lemons.

Where are you, Awesomes?

What idiocy have you
wandered into now?

(roars)

(grunting)

This Earth kinda sucks.

So which Earth is this?
Earth two?

No, it's opposites,
which means this is Earth four.

Earth two is where everybody
is really fat.

What's Earth three?

Earth three is run by apes.

I thought Earth three was Nazis?

It was, then the apes

went to war with the Nazis
and took over.

Way to go apes!

I would have really liked
to have seen the Nazi/ape war.

A little bit of focus, please.

Well, professor, I'm glad you
got to see the Astoundings

in action once
before your death.

Now you'll die knowing we're
all that and a bag of chips!

Take the one they call Hotwire.

And kill the rest!

Hey!

Hotwire!

Stop.

Gotta think! Gotta move!
Everyone's gonna die!

Gotta get us away
from the dying!

Dying bad!

Gotta get Hotwire...loose.

Stop.

(Prock groaning)

(panting)

Stop.

Start.

Blow the lamppost.
What?

Blow the lamppost.
Everything you've got.

(electricity crackles)

Where the hell did they go?

Split up!
We can find them!

No. He's probably
already got them.

Huh, that was fun.

Fun?
Technically it was awful.

But I'm gonna say it was fun
because we're on opposite Earth.

I think it's important
to try and fit in.

Ooh, I like that--
I mean, I hate that.

You guys are geniuses,
i.e., idiots.

Everyone, stop talking.

Don't you mean,
"Nobody, start being quiet?"

(grunts)

The correct expression is,
"Yay!"

Everyone, be irritating jerks

who talk over me
and don't listen.

You have the floor.

Great. Thank you.

What happened back there?

One minute we're about to die
and then we were escaping...

Uh, opposite Earth stuff.
Nothing to worry about.

Our concern right now
should be to find a way home.

Maybe we can get some help here
on Earth four.

Alternate realities
are a minefield of unknowables.

No one's gonna help us
but ourselves.

We can't expect to turn around
and find a friendly face.

Maybe I can be
of some assistance.

PROCK:
Malocchio.

(vomiting)

Ms. Mandrake,
you have a visitor.

No, my schedule's clear until--

Hello, Joyce Mandrake,
Head of Superhero relations.

Dr. Malocchio? How did you
get in here?

I wasn't aware
that super-villains

could pass
our security clearances.

Former supervillain.

And I may have slid in with
the Brazilian ambassadors.

What do you want?

I just wanted to stop by
for a chat.

And I whipped up some

cider-glazed roasted
root vegetable stew.

Hey, you can't have
a hot plate in here!

This is the West Wing,
not a college dorm room.

Oh, but this will be worth
breaking a few rules.

Sit. Eat.

And we can chat about my
favorite topic...The Awesomes.

Wow.

That is so (bleep) good.
DR. MALOCCHIO: Thank you.

Garlic knot?

Mm. Please.

You seem familiar,

but I don't think
you're from around here.

Oh, I know who you are.

Oh, so my reputation,
extends--

Quick! Don't let him take over
our minds!

Um, Prock.

Impresario, Make some kind
of mind-blocking helmet!

This reality is the opposite
of ours, right?

Yeah!
Muscleman, can I get a hand!

Maybe a foot!

So, if he's a bad guy in our
reality, then here he'd be...

Aw, crap.
A...

A good guy.
Wow.

You beat up a good guy.

I am so sorry.

I'm just used to you
being an enemy.

And the glasses made you
look really sinister.

I mean, who wears
sunglasses at night, right?

I'm blind.

You beat up a blind good guy.

I'd leave that off the resume.

So, who are you exactly?

My name is Benicchio.

And you're a super hero?
I used to be.

Before I lost my sight.

And my powers.

We all lost our powers.
We?

I'll explain in a moment.

But to be safe, we should make
our way to the sewers.

I'll bet on Earth four,

sewers are magical places
full of wonders.

Or just slightly worse sewers.

Years ago, after the villainous
Professor Astounding

robbed all of our heroes
of their abilities,

we banded together
and formed a resistance.

We went underground.

Literally.

SUMO:
Oh Wow.
Look, it's all our villains.

CONCIERGE:
No, it's their opposites.

These are good guys.

Look, there's the Mad Maid.

That's Happy Housekeeper,
darling.

IMPRESARIO:
Check out Wrongful Death.

I think you mean...
Life Guard Louie.

FRANTIC:
Oh, and look,
it's The Animal Kingdom.

Yes, but here we're called
The Petting Zoo.

We want to save the world
with hugs!

(giggling)

I know that smell.
It's Aqua Velva.

Only one lady I know
sports that nose whiffer.

Tom Boy.

My name is Tom...

but I haven't been a "boy"
in quite some time.

I'm....The Handy Man.
FRANTIC: Holy crap!

He looks just like Tom Boy,
your arch enemy who's a lesbian

and totally in love with you,

except on this Earth,
he's a crazy hot dude!

Mama gives Earth four
a perfect 10.

Say there, sister.

Would you be insulted
if a fella would--

Make passionate love to me

by the sanitary sewer
overflow junction?

I'd be honored.

I wish I hadn't heard
any of that.

The cell phone coverage down
here is the worst.

How do you people live
like this?

We manage, but I can understand
how you would all want

to return to your Earth.

And according to my
calculations,

the time portal
that sent you here

should open again in 12 hours.

You can all return safely home.

How...how did this all happen?

You losing your powers.

The city so wrecked...

Well...it's a dark tale.

Ooh, flashback, flashback!

Is this popcorn?

Rat fritters.

Mm, tastes like chicken.

With a lot of rat in it.

BENICCHIO:
Years ago,
the world was oppressed

under the mighty fist
of The Astoundings.

Led by the ruthless...
Mr. Astounding.

That is...until
Mr. Astounding's son arrived.

Professor Astounding.

Even Mr. Astounding
had to admit that

his son was more evil
than he was.

And it made him so proud.

So, so proud.

Got it. Go on.

They were both awful,
vile, monstrous people,

but you've never seen a father

love a son more than
Mr. Astounding loved his.

We got it!
Moving on.

BENICCHIO:
He formed a team
of villains the likes

of which the world
had never seen.

In hopes of ridding
the world of this darkness,

I created a device to strip

The Astoundings
of their powers.

But they managed
to steal the device,

and turned it on us.

Hey, I just realized
I don't have an opposite me.

No, everyone has an opposite.

(laughing)

I bet mine
is a super-weak dude

who smells nice
and pays his taxes.

I didn't see Hotwire's either.

You got ripped off, HW.

It's fine.
That voice...

That voice reminds me
of my daughter.

(changes her voice):
I--I get that a lot.

Common voice.

Perhaps.

It was in the last battle
with Professor Astounding

that I lost my sight.

And my daughter,
she was an amazing hero.

But she's been missing
ever since.

I'm sorry.
Even if she isn't dead,

she will be soon.

We all will be.

Professor Astounding
has discovered

how to absorb
all of our stolen powers.

Soon they'll be like gods.

I don't think so.
No, I know so.

I overheard them
talking about it.

I'm blind.
I've got really good hearing.

Working on being
able to smell colors.

No. I mean...
the Astoundings aren't

the last people on this Earth
with powers.

This looks like a job
for the Awesomes.

I've been getting
my pipes cleaned.

What did I miss?

BENICCHIO:
The Petting Zoo
stole these schematics.

Unfortunately, we can't figure
out what any of it means.

I can. They stole your powers,

but before they can absorb them,

they'll need to run it
through a genetic matrix.

And that is a genetic power
converter matrix.

What?

Sometimes, we forget
you're smart.

I'm a super-genius.
How can you forget that?

I guess the other stuff like
being injury-proned and whiny

kinda takes first position.

I'm not whiny!
Ha! Good opposite Earth joke.

Now, you know how to get us
in there, skipper?

I do. I absolutely do.

PROFESSOR ASTOUNDING:
Make sure the transference
chambers

are disseminating
at full capacity, you heard!

And run a full diagnostic on
the genetic conversion source.

I ran a diagnostic already.
Twice.

Do not disobey me.

Homie
don't play that!

We have a ship approaching.
Blow it up.

But it's a civilian vessel.

Blow it up hella big.

But it's...it's a bar mitzvah.

Say wha-?

(beeping)

And not only is today
a day in which

David Michael Davidberg
will become a man,

it is also the day the world
will recognize that manhood.

Wazzup.

These are private waters. You're
going to have to move it along.

What? What's the harm,
we got a little off course.

We'll just be here...

three, four hours, tops.

(all groaning)

We're not doing a prayer
over the bread here,

we're making a man.
Takes time.

Oh, I am trying
not to hear that.

Leave now,
or I'll destroy you all.

Hey floating head, you got
a problem with Jewish people?

Of course, I don't.
I am down with them.

It's just that--
these waters are restricted.

So was every country club

my grandfather tried
to join for 20 years!

Somebody doesn't like Jews
swimming in his ocean.

Fine, you've got two hours,
then get out.

For shizzle.

And...we're clear.

Man, you do a mean Rabbi.

I watched a lot of Seinfeld.

Look at us! We're Jews!

My dear, you were nothing short
of brilliant.

Well, I did understudy for
Elaine Stritch in Pal Joey.

Until she tried to stab me
with a broken highball glass.

Want to find some room
under the pasta bar?

I make a mean
penne a la sausage.

I need to stop hearing
stuff like that.

Good job, gang.
That should buy us some time.

Now let's catch some waves.

(dramatic theme playing)

Should you really be
the one driving?

Heightened senses of the blind.

I can feel the water.

I saw that. We're good.

Everybody buckle up, all right?

Prock,
is this really a good idea?

Do we have time
to help these people?

Our portal back to Earth
opens in less than four hours.

This is what we do.

We found people
who need our help.

So we help them. I know if
they came to our world,

they'd be helping us.
We'll be okay. I promise.

And let me just say, if there
was an opposite Hotwire,

she would be ugly and mean.

And stupid.
Hey.

Don't the Awesomes have that
dimension jumper-thingie.

That could zip us back.

It's a inter-dimensional
warp field generator.

And it's way too dangerous
to use.

That's why it's in The Vault.

Oh, right. The Vault.

Where your father locked up
all the weapons

and tech that are too dangerous
for anyone to use.

Keep your voice down.
No one knows about The Vault

except you, me and my dad.

We're almost there!

Whoa. That just came
out of nowhere.

I am last of the red hot mamas!

Impresario, get to
the closed circuit cameras.

Check.
Sumo, Muscleman,

get access to the main hall.

Gadget, Benicchio, Handyman,
on communicators.

ALL: Check!
Everyone else, with me.

We've got bad guys
that need beating.

Welcome, Awesomes.

So glad you could join us.

(stifled vomiting)

Way to hold it off.

(vomiting)

Ah, almost.

PROFESSOR ASTOUNDING:
I can't even imagine
a universe where

someone with my genetic makeup
would be so stupid

as to think you could infiltrate
our fortress undetected.

You people are not fly.

And here on this earth
we don't want no scrubs.

Now, in seconds,
we'll be siphoning off

your powers
and adding them to ours.

Thanks to you,
The Astoundings

will be even more powerful.

And to that I say,
"Oh, snap!" and "Holla!"

Ready?
ALL: Ready!

Computer,
override security lock,

genetic verification--
Professor Astounding.

COMPUTER:
DNA match verified.
Thank You, Professor Astounding.

You were right, Prock!

You've got the same DNA
as Professor Astounding!

And you guys are a match
for your opposites too.

You're genes can open
every door in this building.

Now, you know
where you need to go.

ALL:
On it!

(dramatic theme playing)

(Muscleman grunting)

WTF!

Go get them! Now!

And...
let the dog out.

Woof! Woof! Woof!

Well, now we know who
my bad guy opposite is!

Look at what a big
beautiful boy he is!

Yes you are!
Yes you are!

That's it.

That's the power of every
super being on this planet.

And there! That's the genetic
power converter matrix!

We take that out, they won't be
able to absorb all the powers.

Quick, get to the matrix.

I'll need you to manually
disengage the power couplings.

Okay, Hotwire--

Now, pull loose the couplings!

That should do it!

Prock.

Why...why is she in here?

They...they needed a genetic
trigger to transfer the power.

Your power...

your electrical power,
is the perfect conduit.

PROFESSOR ASTOUNDING:
Oh, look at the genius.

He finally under-stizzles.

That's why I was trying
to kidnap your "Hotwire."

Our version was
running out of juice.

(laughing)

(Prock screaming)

Hotwire! You gotta release
the stolen power!

Aw, hell no.

How? What am I supposed to do?

You--you have to...

What?! What do I have to do?!

You are working my last nerve.

So, I'm sorry, '90s slang

is still okay to use
on this Earth?

Yeah. Is it not on your Earth?

It's totally not.
It's the worst.

Oh, well, it's the bomb here.

Your Earth sucks.

Well, it's a shame you're
going to die here then.

The face ain't listening.

"The face ain't listening."
What does that mean?

Talk to the hand! Booyah!
Ah, it's kinda fun.

Hotwire, hurry!

Tell my father
I love him.

I'll tell him.

Light it up.

(electricity crackling)

(dramatic theme playing)

No!

(Hotwire coughing)

Prock! Prock!

I got ya!
Where's the other Hotwire?

I couldn't find her,
she must have--

SUMO:
Hurry!

This crazy blind (bleep)
is trying to fly!

Whee! We got our powers back!

Let's go rip some
bad guys' arms off!

(cheering)

Your portal!
It's begun to open!

It's been some ride,
my Handyman.

But you've done things
to my lady parts

that I will not soon forget.

And no one has treated a tool
as well as you treated mine.

And I should know,
I'm the Handyman.

At this point, I should just
admit to myself I like it.

BENICCHIO:
It's time to jump.

Your daughter,
she...saved the day.

She was your opposite, yes?

Yes.
So, that means...

No time.

(dramatic theme playing)

And still no sign
of The Awesomes.

Rumors have begun
to circulate that

perhaps the lackluster super
team has perpetrated a hoax.

Yeah! The Awesomes are back!

Suck it, Earth four!

You okay?
Yeah. I'm good.

You?

You all right, baby?
I was so worried.

I didn't know what to do!

Did these amateurs get you hurt?

No. And they're not--
We're not amateurs.

We were on a parallel Earth.

Ooh, parallel?
Apes, Nazis or fat people?

Look. We've all had a rough day,
and managed to do a lot of good.

But now we'd just like to head
back to Awesome Mountain.

We're going home.
MANDRAKE: Not quite.

After much consideration
and counsel, I, Joyce Mandrake,

White House superhero liaison,
have decided that Awesomes...

are finished.

Your charter has been revoked.

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

OMG! I am hella hungry!

Let's see what's up
in this piece?

Jack Link's beef jerky?

As if!

This so not fly!

If that's all that's left in
this machine, whatevs.

Alrighty, then!

Booyah! This is the bomb!

Show me the money!
Cowabunga, man!

Raise the roof!

Cha-ching! Bangin'!
Yada-yada-yada!

Straight trippin',
this stuff is a'ight!

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah
You won't even dance ♪