The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - No Mo' Sumo - full transcript

Please, we should
just talk about this.

You can't just march out
of headquarters.

Our decision is final.

We are taking our son
off the team.

Tim will no longer
be an Awesome.

But why?

Your schoolwork is slipping.

You get A minus
on trigonometry quiz?

Did you study at all?

Oh, you Orientals are strict.

ALL:
Hey.



It's not like
I called them cat eaters.

ALL:
Hey!

Oh, they eat cats
and I'm the monster?

For what it's worth,

she's not actually racist
for her age.

I'm pretty sure she is.
Shh!

You're seriously making me quit
the team because of grades.

It's not your grades.
We just don't think you're safe.

If I could just get some
clarification,

why did you think he'd be safe
on The Awesomes?

We're a superhero team.
We battle super villains.

Well, no offense, but after
Mr. Awesome left,

we did not think the team would
deal with actual problems.

We thought you'd deal
with things



like parking violations
or noise complaints.

Tim has superpowers.
He should learn how to use them.

So, we were looking
for a low level team

for him to practice on.

What is it called when small
children play baseball

but with ball on tee?

Tee ball?
Yes. Tee ball.

We thought that the Awesomes

were the tee ball
of superhero teams.

But, I'm not in danger.
I'm good at this.

Tim's right. As Sumo,
he's nearly indestructible.

And he's an amazing asset.

We need him. He is an Awesome.

He sure is.

And dude, you need to know this;
your mom is hot.

I am sorry, but no.
He is leaving the team.

We were wrong.
It is too dangerous.

(rumbling)

Nobody hides
from the IT department.

Everyone fan out.
Don't let them--

(grunts)

This is surprising.

(villains grunting)

(grunts and groans continue)

Did you know they could do--
No.

So this is a total surprise.
Yes.

Your mom? Even hotter.
Shut up.

(The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing)

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels so awesome ♪

(dramatic theme playing)

What the ---- is going on?

Timothy! Language.

No, he's got a point.
What the ---- is going on?

Nothing.
You were being attacked so--

Adrenaline kicked in.

Yes. A simple matter of
adrenaline rush.

People do amazing things.

You know, soccer mom
bench pressing SUV

to save their children.

You hear about it all the time.

(groaning then grunts)

I'm just 11 years old.

I have a superhero
hormonal-rage disorder,

and I'm allergic to peanuts,
but I am not stupid.

You two just took out
an entire squad

of super villains by yourselves.

Which seems like a lot for
a real estate agent and a CPA.

(sighing):
Okay, the truth.
We used to be operatives.

Super-powered,
independent operatives.

You mean mercenaries?
Guns for hire?

Jesus. He's allergic to peanuts!

Wait. You were criminals?

What do you--, no. Criminals?

No. We would never,
I mean, come on.

But actually, yeah,
in the strictest sense,

yeah, we were criminals.

But not a lot--
Well--

Well, actually a whole lot.
But we never hurt anybody.

Well--

Okay, yes,
we did hurt a lot of people.

Bad people.
Yes, mostly bad people.

And some people who, you know,
just got in the way.

You'd call them
innocent bystanders.

Yes. You'd call them.

Hang on, where are your accents?

You don't even sound
Japanese anymore.

We are Japanese.
Well, technically, I'm Korean.

Right, your mom's Korean.
I'm Japanese.

But, like, third generation
Los Angeles Japanese.

I'm from Ohio. I went to
the Ohio State University.

Prock, should we arrest them,
or something?

For what? Lying to their son?

My momma never lies to me.

She tells me that
I'm God's most beautiful

creation and she is right.

My parents told me

that when I was in my momma's
belly, I ate my twin.

They'd tell me that a lot.

Who are you?

We're your mom and dad.

But before that...

I was a specialist.

Paid for my expertise in
acquiring hard to find items.

But the thing was your father
was a specialist too.

We were both pursuing
the same target.

And both equally matched.

Matched in every way.

(clothes tearing)
SUMO: Ew.

Nah, nah.
It's just getting good.

We decided to join forces.
We became a team.

We were code named
Dine and Dash.

TIM'S MOM:
We lived fast.

(suspenseful theme playing)

We stole big.

Ripping off the very criminals
we used to work for.

TIM'S DAD: The zookeeper.
Where's my monkeys?

TIM'S MOM:
Bad Washington
and the Minute Men.

I cannot tell a lie.
This really cheeses me off.

TIM'S DAD:
And the IT department.

The hard drives are gone!
Dine and Dash.

TIM'S DAD:
But it seemed that fate had
other plans for us.

Your mother was pregnant.

Tim, the day we found out your
mother was pregnant with you

was the happiest in our lives.

We wanted to make a home
for you, a world for you,

so we left everything
we were behind.

We created new identities,
and assumed new lives.

We gave it all up...for you.

It's very romantic.

Oh yeah. I mean,
like how a pair of people

working together
can fall in love.

You know, people who might be
on a team together.

Like a superhero team.

Sorry?
Tim's mom's gonna say something.

But our past caught up with us.
We made a lot of enemies.

And they were close
to finding us.

So, we thought it'd be better
if you were away from us.

We considered a private school,
but with your powers,

The Awesomes seemed like
the better choice.

But now our enemies have found
us, Tim, so we have to run.

All of us.
But where are we gonna go?

I don't know,
but it's going to be

much harder to hide this time.

But we'll be together
because we are a family.

We're going to help you.

(action theme playing)

Well, well, well.
Would you look at that?

Ten more minutes
and we are looking at

a perfect sous vide duck confit.

Dr. Malocchio, sir?
The IT department has attacked.

The Awesomes are aiding
Dine and Dash.

Wonderful.
My scheme is working perfectly.

So, is that dinner then? Or--

If you have something to say,
say it.

It's just some of the boys
were wondering

if we could maybe order out
for some pizza?

It's not that
you're cooking isn't great.

It is. It's just, you know,
we're minions.

(hypnotic sound)

Mmm. Boy. Slow cooked duck.

(sighing):
If only all minds were so easy
to control.

For instance, your mind,
Professor Doctor Prock.

But no matter.

I shall simply create this
immense chess game

to attain my goal.

Because a good ruse

is not unlike this pomegranate,

poached pear
and Mache salad.

(laughing maniacally)

(bell rings)

Oh, the bread's ready.

PROCK:
If you guys are going
to start new lives,

you'll need much better
new identities.

And for that,
you'll need some experts.

You'll need U.M.B.R.E.L.L.A.

Who's umbrella?
Not who, what.

Umbrella is a highly secretive,

global counterespionage
organization.

They have no government
affiliation.

Why are they called Umbrella?

PROCK:
It's an acronym.

Ultimate Military But Really

Extremely Low Level
Acknowledgement.

It sounds like they were
trying really hard

to make an acronym for umbrella.

And umbrellas aren't even cool.
Why not do dragon?

It's harder coming up with
acronyms than you guys think.

Dragon. Defense Relocation
Action Group Of Nation.

First time's a charm.

Charm. Clandestine Housing
Association Resident Management.

They're Umbrella. That's their
name. Deal with it.

I don't know.
Do you think they'd help us?

They've had a long history
with The Awesomes.

If we can find them,
they'll help.

If we can find them?

Yeah. They're crazy secretive.

To find them, we're gonna have
to get our hands dirty.

We're here.

And you'll never find
a more wretched hive

of scum and villainy
than in the suburbs.

(dog barking)

MAN:
Get out.

PROCK:
Come on, Vinder,
don't be like that.

Get out or buy something.

I just had a rock band sell me
all their crap.

I'm up to my --- in snare drums
and German pornography.

Dibs on the German pornography.
Snare drums.

Vinder, we know who you are.

You fought along side
The Awesomes for 20 years.

Nope, not me. You're confused.

We need your help.

And you're gonna have to live
with that disappointment. Hey!

Yeah, we just want some answers.

Bad enough that you nancies
are gonna get me whacked,

but you gotta mess up my merch?

We know that Umbrella set you up
in hero protection

after you blinded
Captain Werewolf.

He scared me and I sprayed ink.

I'm an octopus, it's what I do.

We need to contact Umbrella.

Yeah, what's in it for me?

Hey, we're trying
to help someone.

I thought you used to be a hero.

Does this look like where a hero
hangs out? What's in for me?

What do you want?

I need a bilateral fusion
transponder.

An old one.
I'm rebuilding a spaceship.

What do you need
a spaceship for?

Because I got places to go.

Okay. Where would we get
a bilateral fusion transponder?

WOMAN:
I know Vinder sent you here.
I divined it.

Latonna is a pre-cog.

So, Latonna, do you have
a bilateral fusion transponder?

No. I got one. I got three.

But if you want it, I gotta ask,
what's in it for me?

So, now we gotta get the giant
head lady something,

so she'll give us the thing for
the giant ------- octopus guy?

Who will then tell us
where to find Umbrella.

Look, I appreciate all this,

but I think it may be safer
if we just go.

Yes, the longer
we stay out here,

the better the chances that our
enemies will catch up with us.

Hey, I know this taking longer
than anticipated,

but it will be worth it.
And by the way, right now,

you're plenty safe with us.
I told Frantic to do recon.

I've been doin' reckon
ever since.

I reckon when this is over
we should have catfish,

I reckon we're in
for a cold snap,

and I reckon I should get some
new headshots done

'cause I'm about to be famous.

Wait, so you haven't been
doing recon?

I have not because I do not know
what that means.

(rumbling)

(rumbling continues)

Oh, boy.

On the upside, I still have
plenty of German porn.

IT VILLAIN:
Hey, Awesomes!

Think you downloaded some
corrupted files!

TIM'S DAD:
Look out!

Dad?

I've gotta get back to the team.
No.

Your mom's right.
You're staying right here.

But they need me.
You're staying right here!

We gotta take that thing down.

Muscleman!
I'm on it!

Wait, don't just run at--
Hey there, big fella.

You might be a little
out of step.

You get it?

Aw, crap.

Dammit, gang,
I need you to listen--

FRANTIC: Come on!
PROCK: Wait.

Prock, I'm gonna break the glass
with my car keys.

(tapping)

I think it's kind of working.

Just another few minutes.

Oh, yeah, that's right!

Feel that, metal man?

Momma's gonna knock you out!

That's--that's not bad.

Gadget Gal, go for the eyes.

I think out tin-butted pal
may be in the mood

for some eye-talian.

IT VILLAIN 1:
We're blinded!

Tech support!
We need tech support.

IT VILLAIN 2:
We are tech support!

Yeah, here come the pain!

Nice!
Yeah!

Get him, Impresario's
magic ghost mom!

MUSCLEMAN:
Ali, boom-ba-yay!
Ali, boom-ba-yay!

Hotwire, light him up!

(electricity crackling)

Nice!

(Hotwire screaming)

PROCK:
Hotwire!

(Sumo grunting)

(IT villains screaming)

Now that's...teamwork.

What are you doing?

You could've gotten hurt.

The team needed me.

We should really get going.
We don't know how long until

the rest of the IT department
catches up with us again.

Just a sec, I need to update
my Twitter about the fight.

You can do that while we're
en route to--

what did you say?
Twitter, baby.

I've been keeping our fans
up to date on our adventures.

Got pics from the fight
this morning.

I posted a couple
of choice remarks.

Hashtag, how awesome is Frantic
in the Awesomes!

Hey, I just got three
more followers.

That makes 11, double digits,
y'all.

You tweeted everything?

This could be a problem.

Yup, everybody run away.

Ramando Yamagata here.

On the scene
with the so-called super-team.

The Awesomes were engaged
in a costly, dangerous,

and shocking battle.

But even more disturbing
is their current mission.

They were scuffing it up

with some alleged
"super villains."

Do you see the damage they did
to this man's forest?

Well, they weren't my trees.

But I sure did
like looking at them.

We all sure did
like looking at them.

Aw, buddy.

But worse,
it would seem that the Awesome

are now collaborating with
a criminal mercenary duo

named Dine and Dash.

These "heroes" can't even
seem to pick a side.

MAN:
I'll be taking care of it.

REPORTER 1:
It's Perfect Man!

I have no idea
what the Awesomes are up to.

Or what you Dr. Malocchio
were trying to pull.

But I don't need ideas.
I never have.

Well, well, well, well...

Perfect Man, it is so good
to see you again.

Might I say you are looking...
perfect.

Yeah, I know.

Perfect Man,
it is my greatest hope

that you will see the error
of your superhero ways

and I agree to participate
in my "Operation Safe."

My program where hero
and villain alike

consent to have
their powers removed.

No powers. Then no heroes
or villains and...

our trees will never experience
a naked horror like this again.

(applause)

I don't know
what your scheme is,

but I'm this far away
from locking you up.

I do stuff like that.

Oh, I do stuff too.

(hypnotic sound)

Did you just hypnotize me?

Yup.
Oh.

Oh, great.

Let your girlfriend
and the Awesomes

continue on this mission and all
of their future missions.

I need my chess game
to continue.

You stay away from them.
I understand.

Yes, we need the Orb of Boran.
We were told you had one.

Oh, yeah, I've got one.

I've got three.
But the question is,

what's in it for me?

And me.
You never think about me.

It's always you and your needs,
you prat.

I can get you that. But...
I need an anti-gravity cow.

You can have the cow,

but all I want is a 10 minute
conversation with my ex-wife.

I want my old costume back.

Ugh, she can have
that old thing.

Truth is, it's tired,
but if she wants it...

Great, we'll take it.
I'm not just gonna hand over

her old costume, dear.
I have--

Needs, desires, yeah, um,
what do you want for it?

I want to design
all the uniforms for...

The Invisible Hand
of the Floating Glove.

Aw, crap.

HOTWIRE:
Who are The Invisible Hand
of the Floating Glove?

They're kind
of a secret society.

Kind of?
They're like the only group

that's harder to find
than U.M.B.R.E.L.L.A.

Yeah, they're supposed to be

this uber-mystical super duper
martial arts group.

Like Jedi, but without
all the merchandising.

I don't know anyone who knows
anything about how to find them.

We do.
We were trained by them.

We are former members

of The Invisible Hand
of the Floating Glove.

But we left and you're not
really allowed to leave.

To put it simply...
They're way teed off with us.

I'm sorry, but I don't think
they'll ever help us.

Guys, it's been a really
long, long time.

And you've changed.
You have a kid now.

Of course they'll forgive you.

GLOVE LEADER:
For your betrayal,

for your defiance,

I sentence you
and your cohorts...

to death!

Ooh, got a little high
on that one.

That's my bad.

On the bright side--
Don't say German porn.

Well, then the glass
is half empty.

CROWD (chanting):
Death! Death! Death!
Death! Death! Death!

Any idea how we're gonna
get out of this?

It's so hard to think with
everyone chanting, "Death."

It's very rude.
We're doomed.

No, Prock will think
of something.

He always thinks of something.
Stop.

(clock ticking)

Okay, oh God,
you got us here, Prock.

You walked the whole team
and Sumo's parents

all over the planet, and now you
brought them here to die.

Hotwire is pretty.

There's just no
questioning that.

So it's decided. I'm in love
with a very beautiful woman.

Start.
(clock stops ticking)

Hi.
What's the plan.

Plan? Oh, plan!

No one insults
the ancient society

that is The Invisible
Hand of the Floating Glove!

Huh, I did again.

That's it. All ancient societies
operate on honor codes.

Oh, wait. Judgment by combat.

Yes! Great leader, we request,
judgment by combat.

Very well, a champion
of your choosing

will do battle with a champion
of our choosing.

Victory will grant you freedom.

Huh, too much the other way.

We will fight for our freedom.
No!

I'm afraid not.
By the ancient rules,

a champion must stand
and fight on your behalf.

I'll do it.
Yeah, he'll do it.

No, you want your most powerful
for this shizz.

That means me.

I'm not called Muscleman
just 'cause I'm a man.

I'm also strong.
SUMO: No.

You're not the most powerful.
I am.

You can't Tim, it's dangerous.
No. No, you're not.

I will fight
for my parents' freedom.

I know it's not my place,

but are you really
gonna let a kid do this?

Well, you know, he's their kid.

And having him fight for them

has this whole ironic symmetry
that I kind of dig.

Please, Tim,
we can still stop this.

It's too dangerous.

The only thing around here
that's dangerous--

(grunting)

Is me!

Unleash the champion!

(crowd cheering)

(dramatic theme playing)

(roars)

----!

(growls)

Tim!

I'm loathe to use the N-word
but...

ALL:
Don't.

I hate ninjas.
ALL: Oh.

TIM'S DAD:
It's going to kill him.

Why did we ever let him
go with you?

(growls)

Huh?

What is he doing?

PROCK:
He's too big a target as Sumo.

And he's quicker as Tim.

He's tiring him out.

Oh, he's doing the old
rope-a-dope! Nice!

GLOVE LEADER:
Ali, boom-ba-yay!
Ali, boom-ba-yay!

That's it, kid.
You got him where you want him.

(panting)
SUMO: Hey, big boy!

(grunting)
Ooh! Right in the peach pits.

Have him call me. We can
definitely use new uniforms.

These are so last century.

PROCK:
Awesome. Thanks.

(cow mooing)

Thank you, baby.
Oh, I love it.

And this is for Vinder.

Bilateral fusion transponder.

Thank you.
One thing, Prock.

I had a vision
about the Awesomes.

One of you
is going betray the team.

No one would ever...who?

Who's gonna betray us?

That's not clear.
But watch yourself.

(dramatic theme playing)

We're U.M.B.R.E.L.L.A.

They only have umbrellas
to justify the name.
Sad.

Dine and Dash plus one.

That's us.
We can't thank you enough.

I wish there was something
we can do to work it out

so he could stay,
but he just can't.

It's okay. Just be safe.

Time to go.
I don't wanna go.

What?
Tim, we're not leaving you.

We're a family.

They're my team

and our family needs someone
to be a hero.

We need to give something back.
I can do that.

I can be that hero.

You already are.

We'll see you again.
I love you.

(rumbling)

(IT villain laughing)

You can change your routers,
but we can still find you!

(chuckling):
We are...

The IT department!

Uh, you know,
you people are nerds, right?

Fire back! See if you can
take them out quick!

What happened back there?

Well, it looks like
someone got lost!

Welcome to our world!

This is bad news.
Why?

Your German pornography
can't help us?

No. I left it in the car.

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

Glad you decided to stay
with the team, little buddy.

Thanks, me too.

Let's celebrate with some
Jack Link's jerky.

We got original,
turkey, teriyaki...

His name is Tim,
not Teriyaki. That is racist.

It's the name of the flavor.

Oh, sorry.

Actually,
my real name is Teriyaki.

God, I knew it.
For real?

Of course not, no one would name
their kid Teriyaki.

You guys really are racist.

It is a good flavor.

It is, Teriyaki.
It definitely is.

(The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing)

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ Yeah
You won't even dance ♪