The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Pilot, Part 2 - full transcript

( roaring )

( screaming )

What's this big fella called?
Compost.

What is it?

It's a sentient mass
of mutated waste.

So it literally
has shit for brains?

What are we gonna do?

Don't worry about the plan,
people.

We are the new Awesomes,
led by our fearless leader,

Professor Doctor.

A brain as big as Baltimore
and brass cojones to match.



What do we do, Prock?

GADGET GAL:
Wow. Look at him go.

Yeah,
you gotta be a little impressed

at how fast he can run.
Nice form, buddy!

Hey, Prock, the gang, you know,
our superhero team The Awesomes,

was wondering if this
is part of your plan.

That maybe fleeing in terror
is a way

of lulling this five-ton
garbage monster

into a false sense of security
or something?

Because, otherwise,
we're confused,

because it would seem
you're scared and running away.

I told them you weren't.
I told that you were probably

just looking for a better
vantage point.

Yeah.



Better vantage point.

Stop. This is what you've always
wanted. A team to lead.

Well, there's the team,
and they're looking to you.

So, what are you gonna do?
Lead or leave?

I guess I could leave
on that bicycle.

I could make good time
on that bicycle.

No, no, no, forget about the
bicycle. You can do this. Start.

Frantic, run us back.

Okay, next time we need to find

a slightly better way
of carrying me. Ow!

Sorry.
Just my arm.

( Compost growling,
people screaming )

Okay.
First order of business--

Oh, I'm all over this.

Yes. Time to take out the trash.
Wait.

Nice. I get it. Because he's
a big pile of garbage.

Muscleman, Impresario.
We need to work together-- We--

Yeah.
Who's a pile of garbage now?

Oh, baby,
we gonna clean up the streets.

I get it. It's a play on getting
criminals off the streets.

You're good at this.

Wait! That won't work.
It's too much--

Uh-oh, sweetie, I think I might
have sucked up a penny.

( menacing theme playing )

( growling )

A little help. Little help.

Oh, man.
Tim, transform into Sumo,

we need to get that bus
away from Compost.

I can't while everyone's
looking at me.

I'm on it.
Wait. Don't--

( yelling )

Damn it.
Sumo, don't chase Gadget Gal.

Should we try
running away again?

I'm beginning to see
that value in that.

No. It's time we get this done.

Concierge, pull data
on Compost's weaknesses.

On it.
Frantic, free Impresario.

Thank you.
Good.

Now I want you to run around
Compost as fast as you can.

On it.

Gadget Gal.

I calmed him down
with hard candies.

Great. Time to save some people.

Sumo. Get that bus out of there.

Prock, I got the data.
Compost's weakness is water.

Sumo,
kick that hydrant over.

Impresario, we need a big can.

On it.

Darling, it's occupied.

That's not the kind of can--
Oh, screw it--

Just get your mom off there.

And fill it with water.

Frantic. Get that cyclone
over the toilet.

Did I miss much?
I would have been back sooner

but I landed in this killer
falafel place.

You're just in time, Muscleman.
Pound some crap down a toilet?

I could do that all day.

( triumphant theme playing )

Here comes Perfect Man.
He'll stop him.

Is everyone all right?

Hey. What are you doing?

I was stopping Compost
and saving hundreds of lives.

Including yours.

We didn't need saving.
We were doing the saving.

I don't really think
that's how it's gonna play.

How what's gonna play?

Blake Kobashigawa Ramirez
on the scene

as Perfecto saves
hundreds of lives

as well as rescuing the new,
fledging,

barely-holding-it together
superhero team The Awesomes

from absolute certain death.

Sh--.

Well, my little pal Compost

certainly gave
the new Awesomes a workout.

I love it when a new plan
comes together.

Now, gang, I think it's time
for this doctor

to make a house call.

Which means I want to leave,
so bring the car around.

Sorry.
And just because I have

the ability to control
your minds and will

doesn't mean you shouldn't
make some effort.

And, Danny, I'm still waiting
on ice for this Fresca.

( upbeat theme playing )

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪

♪ And this feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

♪ This feels awesome ♪

( cameras clicking )

Well, I don't see saving lives

as something I need to be
thanked for. It's what I do.

Even if it means saving
woefully under-qualified

and dangerously inept
superheroes.

Hey. Good to see you.

Hey, check it out. Perfect Man's
here. That guy is amazing.

You okay?
I'm great.

Got some dust down my shorts.

But I think it's actually
helping with my normal chaffing.

That was awesome.
We are The Awesomes.

I do have to say
that was quite impressive.

Yes. It was.

Hey, Doctor Professor.

Professor Doctor.
Um, Prock.

Right.
I'm Chad Chadway,

television producer
of Superhero Now.

I love your show.

The superhero side-boob segment

has been a great addition
to the broadcast.

We're proud of that.
Yeah. It's boobs.

We were hoping
to get you and The Awesomes

to come on our show.

We'd love to introduce
the new Awesomes to the world.

What do you say?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes. TV.
We need to be on TV. Us on TV.

Yes, yes, yes. Please.

Well...

This is a bad idea.
Everyone watches this show.

It's your chance to tell the
world The Awesomes are alive

and you are in charge.
But it's a "gotcha" show.

He'll try and trick me
into looking stupid.

Or is it a "getcha" show?
Where after the interview,

people will "getcha."

There's no such thing
as a "getcha" show.

Gotcha. How's your arm?
You should really see a doctor.

I am a doctor.
And I am perfectly capable

of putting my own arm
in a cast.

What's that?
I plastered my cell phone

inside by accident.
But I'm getting pretty good

at flexing and hitting
my speed dial.

WOMAN:
You've reached the party girls
chat line.

Obviously a misdial.
Weird that a chat line

would be a digit off
from the White House.

Just 9.99
for the first 2 minutes

and 12.99 for any additional--

And there.
12.99 is not bad.

( upbeat theme playing over TV )

I'm Spencer Robertson
and welcome to Superhero Now.

The Awesomes.
Since the 40s it has been

"America's Greatest
Superhero Team."

Their founder, Mr. Awesome,
had the strength of 100 men,

could out-fly nuclear missiles,
and had bones of steel.

He created the team and kept it
alive for seven decades.

They helped us win wars,

fought super-villains like
the Catastrophe Brothers

and Dr. Malocchio.
They were our heroes.

Then yesterday, Mr. Awesome
announced he was retiring.

Stepping aside, and putting the
team in the hands of his son.

When we come back we'll talk

to the new leader
of The Awesomes,

Professor Doctor Awesome.
We're clear.

Your father is a great man.
A great man.

Thank you.
We're back in five,

four, three, two...

Can I start by reading
some quotes about you?

Sure.
"Will never be his father.

A pale imitation.
A family shame. Adopted."

Whose quotes are these?
Mine.

But you were just so nice.
Your word against mine.

Now, let's talk about
your father.

He was a powerful superhero.

A level 10 on the government's
scale of super powers.

Yes.
What level are you?

That's hard to say really.

Wikipedia says
you're a level two.

That's inaccurate.
I have a super-genius brain.

I am an accomplished
martial artist,

which is very helpful
in combat.

How did you hurt yourself?
In combat.

( audience laughs )

So should I talk? Or...?

Let me ask you this:

Do you think the world
needs The Awesomes anymore?

Of course. I mean,

The Awesomes have always
made the world a safer place.

Not everyone agrees with you.

Please welcome my next guest,
Dr. Malocchio.

What? How did he get
out of prison? Are you nuts?

He's going to take control of
our minds! He's a super-villain!

Reformed super-villain.

Yes. I should point out
to the audience that,

today, Dr. Malocchio

was released from prison
and pardoned for his crimes.

Misunderstandings.
Yes, misunderstandings.

I spent a lot of time
behind bars

for those misunderstandings.

But I'm not bitter.
I'm not looking back.

I'm looking forward.

Oh, I think maybe we should
look back a bit.

You led an army
of super-villains

on a decade long crime spree.

It took my father, The Awesomes,

and all the super heroes
on Earth

to defeat you and lock you away.

Listen to yourself.
Super-villains. Superheroes.

Hey, does anyone remember
"people"?

I never thought of it that way.
Yeah, that's a good point.

I have another question.
What came first,

the superhero
or the super-villain?

Until your father
came on the scene,

there were no super-villains.

Now, you can't walk down
the street without worrying

some brawny so-called "hero"

is gonna be swinging a girder
like a baseball bat

just to stop
a simple bank heist.

I do that. It's really fun.

It is time we ended
"super-heroics".

Mr. Awesome Junior?

Professor Doctor Awesome.
My superhero name is "Prock".

Adorable.
You think you can follow

in your father's footsteps?
I know I can.

I've spent my whole life
being around The Awesomes.

I know what it takes, I know
what it is to be an Awesome.

Don't forget, I am a doctor and
a lawyer. That's two degrees.

And this is what I was born
to do. And I--

Your, um,
your nose is bleeding.

So it is!
Immune, just like his father.

So tell me, Flock--
Prock.

Of course.
Now you think you can recruit

and train a bunch of other kids

so they can have fights
in the sky and fling cars around

without any regard
for our safety?

The public safety
is our number one concern.

Any hero who is a member
of The Awesomes

is trained to keep citizens

out of harm's way
while fighting crime.

Freeze it right there!
( all gasp )

Everybody chill out.

Just pass over your wallets,
jewelry, cell phones,

iPhones, iPads, iPod Touches,
iPod Minis, and those Kindles

where you can watch movies.
Just be orderly and calm.

No one needs to be a hero here.

I'm afraid you've come to the
wrong place for that. Muscleman!

Maybe it's time for you
to eat wheelchair.

That's the hip.

( Muscleman grunts )
( all scream )

Oops.

What's your name, son?
Freezer-Burn.

No, that's the name
they made you take

to enter this so-called
"super world".

That's your slave name.

What does your mama call you?

David.
Give me the gun.

How did this all happen, David?
Well...

So after the superheroes
dropped that elephant

on my dad's refrigeration plant,
he was out of work.

This seemed to be the only way
for me to help the family,

and it's to honor my Dad.

( sobbing )

You're gonna be okay, son.
Because I'm going to help you.

How would you like to get rid
of this thing

that makes you different?

Do you mean my third nipple?
I mean your powers.

Would you like to be normal?
More than anything in the world.

What kind of ray is that?

My powers, they're gone!
They're gone!

I have three nipples
but I'm normal!

You all won't have to live in
fear anymore. None of you will!

Today, I am forming
a new movement:

Operation Safe. To rid the world
of super powers,

ridding us of superheroes

and thereby stopping the
super-villains they create!

( all cheering )

I asked you to put together
a team, not to turn America

against the very concept
of superheroes.

That's classic Malocchio!
He's a master mind controller.

Are you not the least bit
worried he's back on the street?

Of course I am. But he's more
of a Perfect Man-sized problem,

don't you think?

Which is why I'm considering
giving your funding to him.

You can't do that!

We filled our roster
with three hours to spare.

Nope. The charter calls
for seven members.

You only have six.

Go ahead.
Hit me as hard as you can.

Didn't feel a thing.

Okay,
it's six but it's a good six.

And Sumo has two identities and
is really fat in one of them,

that's gotta count for like
three more people right there.

The clock's running.
You have three hours

or the Awesomes are no more.

Okay,
so we have to find new members.

How does that work?
Facebook?

Anything left
in the reject files?

Nada.

I got it.
We'll make them come to us!

We can have an audition.

Who wouldn't want to join
America's super team?

We hold auditions!

I think you mean
"try-outs."

Auditions implies
actors and stuff.

No. I think you can audition
for a superhero team. Muscleman?

"Audition" makes me
think singing and dancing.

Look, I'm in charge, and I say
we're calling them "auditions".

MAN:
So don't mess with me, mister

'Cause I'm a superhero man

Yeah, okay, tryouts.

CONCIERGE:
Next applicant, please state
your name and power.

I'm Kid Crab.
Why do they call you that?

( all screaming )

ALL:
Ew.

Pretty sweet, huh?
Next.

I'm the Advocate. My power is
to turn people temporarily gay.

Mm.
I think she's interesting.

Oh, please, she's tired.
Next.

CONCIERGE:
He's called Toolbox.

This is a Phillips head
screwdriver,

this is a flat
or slotted head screwdriver.

PROCK: Next.
( speaking in German )

Do we really need to see a guy
named the Snazi?

What are we gonna do?
I know. Lot of good choices.

Gonna be tough
to narrow it down.

Snazi seems like the most fun
to hang with.

No,
none of them are good enough,

and we only have five minutes.

Am I too late for the tryouts?

Stop. Okay, this is
the woman of your dreams

and you are going to marry her,
that much is clear.

But what you have to do now
is play it cool.

You gotta nail the intro.

Something like, "Hey, I'm Prock,
what's your deal?

Or, "Prock's my name,
you're my game."

Okay, deep breath, stay calm,
be the man. Start.

Am I too late for the tryouts?
I'm Prock and I'm Prock.

Actually, we're kind of
wrapping up here.

Maybe you could
come by next year?

Shut up, she's fine. She's right
on time. I'm Professor Doctor,

the leader of the team. Who are
you, how can we help you?

I'm Hotwire. I heard you guys
were having tryouts.

We are!
She heard about the tryouts,

amazing detective skills.

And what is your power exactly?

I kind of control
electrical stuff.

I can hotwire things.

Your name's perfect.
Good decision-making skills.

I like where this is going.

This is how it works.

That is the most amazing thing
I have ever seen.

I run 500 miles an hour.

I make things appear
with my mind.

I mean, yeah, but did you see
how bright it got?

The thing is, I don't have
any data on her. She's a newbie.

We just need some time
to do a full background check.

So it's decided.
Welcome aboard, Hotwire.

And it looks like
we got ourselves the Awesomes.

I wouldn't pop the champagne
just yet.

You and me have gotta talk. Now.

What's wrong?
We've got seven members.

And did you see Hotwire?
She seems very, very nice.

Seven team members,
or seven rejects?

I doubt Joyce Mandrake will be
happy with a team of rejects.

She's never going to know
they were a team of rejects.

Besides, I only have 48 hours,
I can't be choosy.

You had us bugged?

Yeah. I thought you might
do something,

oh, I don't know, dishonest.
Wait, I can explain.

You were trying to defraud
the public,

and the agency that has
supported you for decades.

And you know what we call that
in federal government?

A dick move.

Please, I know in my heart

that anybody has the potential
to be a real hero.

They don't even need power.
And those people, this team,

they can be real heroes.

It's a little too late
for that.

Wh--? What's going on?
Oh, hell.

We're under attack.

( tense theme playing )

How did anyone break through
Awesome Mountain's defenses?

When you boxed up
all of our stuff,

did any of it say
"Security System"?

It that important?

Yeah.

JOYCE: Who are these people?
PROCK: Oh, no.

It's the Animal Kingdom.

JOYCE:
Oh, they are so cute.

Look at you,
you guys are precious--

Silence, whore! Or I will rip
your tongue from your gullet.

Wow. That is ( bleep ) up.
Yep.

When we heard Mr. Awesome
had abandoned his mission

and scampered off.

We mourned the lost opportunity
at humiliating him again.

Look, look,
we don't want any trouble.

Quiet, you boneless whelp.

If we want to hear a squeal,
we'll beat it out of you.

Okay, right.
I'm gonna get a broom.

Prock, do you have any pet
carriers around

for this "league of evil"?

They're stronger than they look.
Wh--? What do you want?

Weapons. They like weapons.

The spineless offspring
of our craven enemy is correct.

This fortress houses the most
powerful implements of battle

in our universe.
You give them to us,

or we will trigger the bomb
we have implanted

in your headquarters'
nuclear reactor.

But won't you and your
pound puppies blow up too?

We do not care for our lives,
to die in battle

is the greatest honor
we could ever experience.

Give us our weapons of perish!

PROCK:
Well,
I'm happy to give them to you,

but it's just
the two of us here.

Just me, Prock,
and Joyce Mandrake.

here in the meeting room, with
you, very powerful villains,

the Animal Kingdom.
It's not like, well,

the Awesomes team is here
Oh, crap.

having a fajita night
or anything.

What do we do?
I'll put all the food

in containers and into
the fridge. Okay, what's next?

We have to save them.
Yeah!

How?
But if the Awesomes were here,

I'd have them stop
that bomb that you guys

strapped to our headquarters'
nuclear reactor.

If they were here, I think
I'd start with Gadget Gal,

shutting down all
internal monitoring systems

so their movements
couldn't be seen.

How the hell would I do that?
All she'd have to do

is enter her old override code

from when she was an Awesomes
40 years ago.

Oh, right, it was my cat's name!

Little Black Sambo.

Hey.
It's fine. Different times.

Then, I'd have Frantic take
the nuclear reactor offline.

Concierge would talk him through
the sequence.

There's four main control pads.

Each key
has to be turned within

one second of one another.
Turn key eight...

PROCK:
Usually, it takes four people

working in sync, but Frantic
can do it at super-speed.

Then Impresario
could form a construct

to absorb all the radiation.

I'll have this all cleaned up
for you and your friends

in just a minute, baby.

I mean, this is just what I'd do
if the Awesomes were here,

which they're not.

Yes, but you were talking out
loud quite a bit.

Yeah, it's weird.

Nice.
Sumo and Muscleman

could pry open the doors
to the reactor.

And then Hotwire
could defuse the bomb.

Then it would just be a matter
of Impresario

flying the team up through
the west elevator shaft,

and Gadget Gal jimmying out
the lock to the meeting room.

Then they could come in here
and kick your asses.

But as you said many,
many times, they are not here.

Wait, hang on.

( triumphant theme playing )

Oh, dog balls.

Our vengeance will be swift
and painful.

Yeah. Do you need me to put
newspaper down in there

in case you have to pee?

Yes, please.
I am dutifully impressed

with what I have seen today.

Shocked, really. And grateful.

Prock, you have assembled
a skillful crew,

one that truly is awesome.
Right.

Okay, whatever.
Do we have our funding back?

Yes. Your funding is reinstated.

All right!
For six months.

But you were dutifully
impressed,

and we were skillful,
and The Awesomes.

Yeah, or you got lucky.
Six months' probation.

Hey.
Hey!

Hey.
I just wanted to tell you that,

well, I'm new to this whole

"superhero outwitting
the bad guys" thing,

so I don't have a lot
to compare it to,

but that was amazing.
You were amazing.

Well, not really. The team
is actually the ones who were--

I just-- Not amazing,
but a little amazing.

But you guys,
you in particular just--

Prock, you are a great leader.
Thank you.

Baby, are you all right?
I heard that Awesome Mountain

was breached by villains.

There hasn't been a breach
in 30 years.

Who's that?
I leave the team for one day

and suddenly the most fortified
structure on Earth

has more foot traffic than
a cathouse during Mardi Gras?

Oh, I know that voice.

I'm fine, Perfect Man.
No...

We took care of it.
What is going on?

Just making sure my gal is safe.
I am safe.

You're dating Perfect Man?
Yes.

I would have said
something earlier,

but I didn't want you
putting me on the team

just because Perfect Man
is my boyfriend.

Perfect Man is your boyfriend?
Yeah.

Hey.
I've got about 20 minutes.

You wanna go to Waikiki?
We could do it on the beach.

Or do you wanna do that thing
at the Eiffel Tower again?

The Eiffel Tower thing
was so...

Yeah. Eiffel Tower.

Wow, she's dating Perfect Man?
Yep.

That's crazy.
He's gets all the chicks.

But he's a dick.
What?

Perfect Man's a huge dick.

I thought you thought
he was amazing.

He is.
But he is also a huge mega-dick.

But I'll tell you what he's not.

He's not the leader
of The Awesomes. That's you.

The leader of the Awesomes!

Very nice. Everything
is going according to plan.

Is this the Chateau Margaux '95?
Because it tastes like the '94,

which I wouldn't clean
my toilets with.

I'll go get--
Yeah. I expect a little better.

This is my secret lair,
not a ----ing Denny's!

( laughs )

( thunder crashes )

( upbeat theme playing )

In France,
they call me Le Magnifique.

Yes, you told me that.

I didn't realize you were
calling a press conference.

I figured that since
we're in Paris, I really should.

The foreign press
is very important.

I may wanna host
the Golden Globes this year.

Um, okay. Should we
have dinner soon or...?

Oh,
I never eat the food here.

These people put sauce
on everything.

Here. I bought some Jack Link's
jerky. They're low-carb.

Don't forget, the camera
adds 10 pounds to you.

Why'd you say "to me"?

I'll explain later.
Wish me luck.

Bonjour, Frenches. My name is--

MAN:
Go home, you stupid
American super-idiot.

We should go.
Yeah.

( The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing )

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't let me
Touch you? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪

♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪

♪ If you won't even dance? ♪