The Awesomes (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot, Part 1 - full transcript
After Mr. Awesome decides to retire and disband The Awesomes, his son Prock steps in to keep the team going. When the government threatens to pull their funding, however, Prock and his best...
( Dr. Malocchio laughs
maniacally )
( dramatic theme playing )
( laughs )
You never changed,
did you, Dr. Malocchio?
It was a lie. You're the same
bastard you've always been.
You figured that out
all by yourself?
My, my, Prock,
you really are a genius.
But now, there is nowhere
to run and nowhere to hide.
Run. Hide.
What did I just say
about running and hiding?
What does a guy have to do
to be listened to?
That's enough.
Okay. That's right.
That's enough. Should I
just give you the gun?
Are you serious?
Of course I'm not.
I finally have everything I want
and you can't stop me.
You don't have any powers,
you never did.
And all the heroes
gave them away.
All because I asked them to.
I'm gonna stop you. I will.
You won't. You can't.
You are not your father.
I'm getting real sick
of hearing that.
Coming up on Superhero Tonight:
Is Sandpaper-Man really going
to reveal his secret identity?
You'll hear it here first.
Flame-Mouth sat down
with our own Patrick Snee
to discuss life after rehab.
It's just great to be
in control again.
( hiccups )
But now we take you live to
the biggest event of the year.
That's right, Ricky.
Mr. Awesome,
leader of America's
favorite superhero team,
The Awesomes,
is turning 90.
All the top heroes from
yesterday and today showed up
to pay respect to their leader,
from the world's greatest
heroes,
to lesser heroes like Muscleman
and barely heroes
like Mr. Awesome's very own son,
I hope I'm saying this right,
Prock.
Good question.
Prock is a combination
of "professor" and "doctor."
MAN:
Hey, look. A dog with a shoe
in its mouth.
I'm sorry, are you done with me?
MAN 2: Get out of the shot.
Can you believe
Mr. Awesome is 90?
My grandmother is 87,
and she's a mess.
Mine is 82, and I've completely
written her off.
I hear he is speaking right now
to the crowd inside.
I'll have all the details later.
( applause and cheers )
Our seats are terrible.
They're great.
We're on the dais.
Hey, your dad's talking.
So it is with a heavy heart
that I announce today
as my last day
as the leader of The Awesomes.
( crowd gasps )
Oh, my God.
After 60 years of leading
America's greatest
superhero team,
I had to accept it's not
the job of a 90-year-old man.
MAN:
You don't look it.
Yes, my super powers have helped
slow the aging process,
but not completely.
This country, this world,
needs the protection
of someone who will
truly shield the people
from the growing number
of supervillains,
alien attacks,
zombie weekends,
vampire high schools
and evil robot housewives.
The time has come for me
to step down
and pass the torch
to a new generation.
REPORTER:
Mr. Awesome,
who will take your place?
There's only one person
who could run
The Awesomes in my place.
Only one man I would trust...
This is it, buddy.
The moment you've been
waiting for.
Quit it.
I'm gonna be on camera.
He's simply the greatest hero
the world has ever known:
Perfect Man.
Perfect Man? Over you? Why?
Because he's stronger?
Because he's faster? Handsomer?
Because he can fly?
Because of his hair?
His hair is awesome.
You're not helping.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Perfect Man.
I've seen him use that joke
like five times.
It gets me every time.
Because we all know who he is.
"My name is Perfect Man."
Heh-heh-heh.
Mr. Awesome, you are, in many
ways, the father I never had.
And you, Perfect Man,
are like the son I never had.
I'm his son.
Right.
But he's never had a son
like Perfect Man.
That's not how
that phrase is used.
Perfect Man,
I know it's sudden,
but do you accept?
Will you take over the team
and run The Awesomes?
( crowd murmuring )
( dramatic theme playing )
I will not.
Awkward.
While I am flattered,
this team was founded by you,
Mr. Awesome.
It bears your name.
Without you,
it wouldn't be the same.
To try and follow
in your footsteps
would just be
sheer foolishness.
And Perfect Man is no fool.
There goes the best man
I've ever met.
Well then, unless someone else
wants to step forward,
this will be the final meeting
of The Awe--
Stop.
My dream is
to lead The Awesomes.
If I let him disband the team,
that will never happen.
Dad always tells me I lack
the nerve to be a real hero.
Well, this would be nerve.
Maybe he's doing this
to test me.
I will pass that test.
This is my moment. Start.
--Awesomes.
And so my hope
I'll do it.
is America will never forget
I'll do it.
the courage of these heroes.
I need a microphone.
I got you, buddy.
( microphone feedback )
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it!
Do what, Jeremy?
Take over The Awesomes for you.
You know, keep it in the family.
Are your really
considering this, Mr. Awesome?
Your son has only been
on the team for a year,
and when he joined,
didn't he break three fingers
just shaking hands
with the team?
Hey, my son is
a very...capable superhero.
Oh, come on.
He couldn't beat me in a fight.
With all due respect, sir,
I think I could.
No, you couldn't.
Well, you're wrong.
CROWD ( in unison ):
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Yes. Uhh.
Too many chili dogs.
Uhh!
MAN:
Oh, no, he had a heart attack.
Yes.
PROCK:
What?
What are you doing?
Let me do this.
I can do this.
You think you can carry my A
on your chest?
Yes, Dad.
I really believe I can.
Oh, my God,
that was so heavy.
( man groans, then grunts )
I can't believe
you wore something
that heavy on your chest.
Look, you're my son,
Jeremy.
But you're your mother's son
even more.
You didn't inherit
my super strength,
you don't have any powers
except for the weird
stopping-time thing.
But you had
to stop doing that
because the doctor said
it might kill you.
You did stop doing that,
right?
Yes, I stopped.
Stop. Meh.
Start.
Good.
Your nose is bleeding.
Probably just the altitude.
But you are very bright.
Why not use those smarts?
Be a doctor, a lawyer,
start a photo blog.
I went to med school
and I became a doctor.
I went to law school
and I became a lawyer.
But, Dad, all I've ever wanted
to be is a superhero.
( sighs )
Okay, Jeremy.
You can run the team.
But I won't be here
to help you.
Why?
Where are you going?
Space.
Why space?
I've been at the beck
and call
of the people of Earth
for too long.
I need to retire somewhere
far away
where they can't contact me
every time there's a crisis.
What are you gonna do?
Get some reading done.
Haven't cracked a book
for 50 years.
First up, Betty Friedan's
The Feminine Mystique.
Sounds kinky.
Then go. I'll be fine.
You can't always be there
to catch me when I fall.
( screaming )
I hate it when you do that.
I hate it.
MAN:
Look. He's holding him
like a little baby.
( laughter )
Put me down.
Good news, everyone.
The Awesomes live on.
( cheering )
But without me,
for I am leaving Earth.
Farewell, good people.
Our time together was some
of the happiest of my life.
Awesome. And out.
Forgot my book.
( applause and cheers )
Well, let me say
that I'm glad to hear
that The Awesomes will continue.
And while I wish Jeremy luck--
Prock.
My superhero name is Prock.
--I will be leaving the team.
Wha--?
I'm out too.
I'm out.
Me too.
Not the same anymore.
You still in,
Black Irish?
( gasps )
You did it.
( dramatic theme playing )
MR. AWESOME ( over TV ):
So it is with a heavy heart
that I announce today
as my last day as the leader
of The Awesomes.
ANCHOR:
And with that announcement,
America's greatest hero
was gone.
Mr. Awesome leaving Earth.
Mr. Awesome,
the only hero
who ever had the power
to stop me, is gone.
Maybe now would be a good time
to remove every superhero
from Earth
and assume my position
of ultimate power.
Yep.
Now would be the time.
Guard, could you please
let me out?
I'm going to escape.
And, oh,
can I have a gun?
Are you out of your mind?
I'm not gonna gi--
Uh...
Open up on B-31.
Wonderful.
I'm going to need a Tom Ford
suit, some tuna carpaccio,
three hookers,
and one of those smart phones.
A really, really
smart phone.
Wonderful. Okay.
Let's hop to it.
Evil to be done.
( The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing )
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪
♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels so awesome ♪
( upbeat rock theme playing )
MUSCLEMAN:
So it's just us left?
We will rule this place.
I call this chair
and this chair.
I did the right thing, right?
The team has to go on.
Where will people go for help?
ANCHOR:
Tonight on the Superhero
News Network,
don't miss the one hour special
"Perfect Man Goes Solo."
The time for teams is over.
I'm gonna do it all by myself.
The time for teams is over?
MANDRAKE:
You can say that again.
Professor Doctor Awesome,
I'm Joyce Mandrake
from the government office
of superhero affairs.
Watch your feet.
Dude, we're getting
a new meeting table.
Very funny.
Ha-ha-ha.
Thank you.
What was very funny?
And what's going on?
By the order of the president
of the United States,
we are implementing code 33.
Thirty-three is
my ATM pin code.
Pin codes are four digits.
That probably explains
why money never comes out.
MANDRAKE:
Code 33 means this:
We're withdrawing
your government funding.
You can't cut our funding.
The U.S. Government has always
funded The Awesomes.
We weren't funding the name.
We were funding a team
of top-level heroes.
And with all due respect,
you ain't top level no more.
Stop. They would never
walk over Dad like this.
He would stick out his jaw
and tell them,
"Absolutely not. I'm in charge."
That's what I have to do.
Of course, I don't
really have my father's jaw.
His is almost a perfect square
and mine is weak and soft.
Man, of all the things
I didn't get from my dad,
the thing I want most
is that big old jaw.
Okay, sticking out the jaw
is a no-go,
but I should be able to come up
with some way to convince her
I am strong enough
to lead this team. Start.
Please, please,
please.
I've only been in charge
for like half an hour.
You can't kill us now.
Give me time.
I'll prove
that we're worth the money.
Please,
Professor Doctor.
If you're disbanding us,
just do me the favor
of ending it for me.
Roll over my head,
splatter my brains,
because I would prefer that
to getting fired
in my first half hour.
Fine.
"Fine" meaning what exactly?
Refill your roster.
If you put together a team,
then you can get continued use
of Awesome Mountain.
I'll give you 48 hours
to refill your roster.
Forty-eight hours?
How am I supposed to do that
with the two of us?
What about our support staff?
They're all gone.
What?
We need support staff.
Maintenance, chefs, assistants,
janitors, electricians.
Hundreds of people work here.
Well, now it's zero.
Give us 20.
Zero. Zero.
Fifteen. Ten.
Zero. Zero.
Three. One.
Okay, you get one.
Ha-ha-ha. In your face.
You got played.
Ow!
PROCK:
So you are?
I was the secretary's assistant
to the assistant secretary.
What's your name?
Concierge.
Ooh-la-la.
A French girl.
No, "concierge" means someone
who gets things done.
I don't know
how they chose
the one person
lucky enough to stay.
I said "not it"
the slowest.
Welcome aboard.
Our first mission
is to assemble a team.
We need more heroes.
I heard.
I took the liberty
of contacting
all 174 level-six-or-above
superheroes
who are currently unaffiliated
with any team.
Cool. How many are interested?
None.
Did you say "nine"?
None.
When you say none--
A hundred and twenty-six
gave a flat no,
45 laughed at me,
and three told me
to tell you to
"go ( bleep ) yourself."
Which I told them
I was not going to do.
Thanks for that.
So what now?
We could reach out
to level four and fives.
This is The Awesomes.
We can't have fours and fives.
Are you seriously telling me
there is no place
to find high-level powers
who might be interested
in joining this team?
Well, there is one place
to look, but it's not great.
Here you go.
What's this?
CONCIERGE:
This is the reject file.
Everyone in here
has been turned down
for one reason or another.
I'd be very wary
of considering any of them.
There are people in here
with some serious powers.
Who turned them down?
Your father.
Even with super vision, Dad had
a problem seeing potential.
I doubt Joyce Mandrake will be
happy with a team of rejects.
She's never going to know
they were a team of rejects.
Besides, I only have 48 hours.
I can't be choosy.
Maybe you're right. This is
the new Awesomes after all.
Our bar is lower.
Ooh, that's a good slogan.
That's not a good slogan.
These people might not be
heroes now,
but they will be
when I'm done with them.
To the Awesome Jet.
PROCK:
They took it?
CONCIERGE: Yep.
To the Awesome Copter.
PROCK:
Maybe it's easier if you just
tell me what they didn't take.
That's it?
Yep.
MUSCLEMAN ( sighs ):
You have to say it.
I don't want to.
It's fun when you say it.
Fine. To the old-timey
antique Awesome's plane.
PROCK:
Who's first, Concierge?
His name is Frantic.
He has super speed.
The government scales him
as a seven on the power scale.
A seven? That's great.
Why wasn't he accepted?
The term used was
"bat ( bleep ) crazy."
Oh, my goodness.
They changed their mind.
They changed their mind.
Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
( whistles ):
How fast is he?
Top three in the world.
Behind Zippity
and Captain Fleet Feet.
Oh, man. Thank you,
thank you.
Thank you for taking me
out of this nowhere life.
Did this place
used to be a circus?
Used to be?
Hell, no, boy.
This here's
the Danger Family Swamp Circus.
Open for business
and entertaining the masses
for going on 50 years.
Not that he ever did
any entertaining.
Well, now
I'm gonna be a superhero.
I'm gonna be famous.
I told you I was better
than you and I was right.
Momma, I love you.
I do.
You at least tried to understand
I was special.
Yup.
Is this costume okay? I may need
to speak to your designer.
I think this is fine,
but it could use
a lightning bolt or a flame.
What's happening now
is sort of a general meeting.
After this,
we'll go off
and discuss amongst ourselves
how it went
and get back to you
in 8-to-12 business months.
What about potential?
This guy has the potential
to be a public relations
train wreck.
I'm leaving now,
but I'll be back.
Oh, I'll definitely be back.
And when I come back,
it will be to kill you.
I'm not really
gonna kill them,
but it's fun to make them
think that.
Muscleman. Grab him.
Whoa!
Look, I'm sorry
if we misled you at all,
but I think we're actually
going to go another way.
What's happening,
boy?
Did they figure out
what we all know?
That you ain't nothing
but a failure?
( laughing )
Welcome to The Awesomes.
( Frantic exclaiming )
That was sweet.
I think I did the right thing.
Yeah. He is
bat ( bleep ) crazy.
Oh, yeah.
( Frantic exclaiming )
( Frantic exclaiming )
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
PROCK:
Who's next?
His name is Impresario.
Conjurer.
Graded out as an eight.
Turned down for mother issues.
I always told my baby,
I told my baby,
"Baby,
you're special.
And one day, someone is
gonna come to this house
and tell you
you special."
Isn't that right, baby?
Isn't that right?
Where did you find
your magic jewel?
I found it--
He found it in the woods.
He was always heading out
into the woods.
I told him, "Why don't you go
play sports with your friends?
Why are you always going
into the woods
like some sort of weirdo?"
But one day,
he came out of the woods
with a space jewel.
Why?
Because he's special.
And you should see
what he can do with it.
Mind if we get a demonstration?
Sure.
Demonstration? You bet.
Let's go in the backyard.
Mama. I need to do it on my own.
Okay, baby.
So according to our file,
you can use the jewel
to conjure
whatever your mind can conceive.
Yes.
Sounds amazing.
Let's see a giant fist.
Who wants to get punched?
Uh-oh.
Yep.
I'm sorry. I can do better.
How about a dragon?
Ooh, I'm a dragon, baby.
I shoot fire.
Do your mom.
Muscleman.
To build his confidence.
Did you make me proud, baby?
Tell me you made Mama proud.
He doesn't need a superhero
team, he needs therapy.
You look bloated,
darling.
Burp for Mama. Come on.
Rip one out. Come on.
( belches )
WANDA: Oh, yeah. That's my boy.
He's an eight. Not a lot
of eights out there.
I'm getting in on this.
So how does this work?
Do I get a secret identity?
Perhaps
wealthy philanthropist?
In which case,
you should probably procure me
a mansion
and fancy butler.
You live in a room
in Awesome headquarters
and get paid
every other Thursday.
The hell?
Concierge, who's next?
Sumo. No photo,
but he graded out as a nine.
Why would anyone
turn down a nine?
All it says is "age."
How old is Tim?
Tim is 11 years old,
but he is very strong.
And very hard working.
Tim is not lazy or weak
like American heroes.
We're all
American heroes.
And look at you. Stupid.
Fat. Crazy. And weak.
How did I do?
Not bad.
Tim is stronger than any man.
He is stronger than your friend.
Me?
Oh, I don't think so.
Wait, did she call me stupid
a few seconds ago?
Remember how we told you
your dog is on a farm now,
playing with rabbits?
Well, we were lying to you.
Your dog is dead,
and he killed him.
What's that now?
( roars )
ALL ( in unison ):
Whoa.
You got some size
on you there, short pants,
but as many ladies have told me,
size doesn't matter.
But let's see
if you've got-- Oh!
( grunting )
That kid's got some moves.
Be good.
Do you think
he'll be safe?
Yes. Safer than
he'd be with us.
Besides, he's gonna need better
extracurricular than violin
if he wants to get
into Harvard.
I have read Awesome Mountain
has the best chefs in the world.
Yeah, about that...
( beeping )
PROCK:
Concierge? What's happening?
Looks like we're going
on our first mission.
The Awesomes.
Our bar is lower.
That's not our slogan.
I thought we agreed it was.
WOMAN: No way.
WOMAN 2: Ee-ya!
Uh-huh? Mm! Ha! Mm!
Elderly chick fight.
Coincidentally, that is
the title of my favorite DVD.
( women grunting )
That's Gadget Gal.
She was an original Awesome.
And that's her archrival,
Tomboy.
Is that all you got,
girlie?
Because Mama
still has some moves.
( screams )
( dramatic theme playing )
Nice.
Yeah, that's a makeover.
( gasps )
Yeah, run.
Before I kick your rear so bad,
you'll look like
you're wearing shoulder pads.
Whoa. Check me out.
I'm a hot tomato again.
Will you look at my ass?
I'm looking.
Dancer's butt.
It's nice.
Seriously, I could crack walnuts
with this thing.
I can definitely find
some walnuts.
I think Tomboy hit you with
some sort of rejuvenation ray.
Your body reverted
to that of a 25-year-old.
So she's 80?
Yes.
But she was rejuvenated?
That's what the Prock said, yes.
So she has the body
of a 25 year old?
A very attractive
25 year old, yes.
My question is--
It's probably not gray.
Probably not gray.
Good. Very good.
Who are you?
If you're looking for me
to buy candy
to fund your marching band,
I ain't falling
for that scam.
I can explain.
So we're reforming
The Awesomes.
And you, Gadget Gal, you were
one of the first members
when my dad
founded the team,
and I would consider it an honor
if you'd rejoin.
I don't know, kid.
I've been out of this game
a while.
Superhero-ing is
a young gal's party.
No, screw it.
Sign me up.
Nice. That ought to do it.
I can call Mandrake
and tell her we got our roster.
I have to say,
I'm starting to feel
pretty good about this.
( dramatic theme playing )
( electric pulse )
( growls )
What the heck is that?
Holy crap.
Close.
It's called Compost.
What do we do, skipper?
( roars )
Sh-- ( bleep )
And it's all going
according to plan.
Peach cobbler?
Please.
( The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing )
So they're all gone?
No more free meals?
No.
No more sushi Saturdays?
Lobster Mondays?
Make-your-own-taco Tuesdays?
All gone. But I have lots
of Jack Link's jerky.
I love that stuff.
They come in
so many different flavors.
Mm. I know,
I like them all.
It's high in protein and low
in calories, fat and carbs.
This sounds like
a paid advertisement.
Wait, is this
a paid advertisement?
Why is Concierge
holding that sign?
It tastes good, right?
It's awesome.
And that's all
you need to know.
( The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing )
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't let me
touch you? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ Yeah
You won't even dance ♪
maniacally )
( dramatic theme playing )
( laughs )
You never changed,
did you, Dr. Malocchio?
It was a lie. You're the same
bastard you've always been.
You figured that out
all by yourself?
My, my, Prock,
you really are a genius.
But now, there is nowhere
to run and nowhere to hide.
Run. Hide.
What did I just say
about running and hiding?
What does a guy have to do
to be listened to?
That's enough.
Okay. That's right.
That's enough. Should I
just give you the gun?
Are you serious?
Of course I'm not.
I finally have everything I want
and you can't stop me.
You don't have any powers,
you never did.
And all the heroes
gave them away.
All because I asked them to.
I'm gonna stop you. I will.
You won't. You can't.
You are not your father.
I'm getting real sick
of hearing that.
Coming up on Superhero Tonight:
Is Sandpaper-Man really going
to reveal his secret identity?
You'll hear it here first.
Flame-Mouth sat down
with our own Patrick Snee
to discuss life after rehab.
It's just great to be
in control again.
( hiccups )
But now we take you live to
the biggest event of the year.
That's right, Ricky.
Mr. Awesome,
leader of America's
favorite superhero team,
The Awesomes,
is turning 90.
All the top heroes from
yesterday and today showed up
to pay respect to their leader,
from the world's greatest
heroes,
to lesser heroes like Muscleman
and barely heroes
like Mr. Awesome's very own son,
I hope I'm saying this right,
Prock.
Good question.
Prock is a combination
of "professor" and "doctor."
MAN:
Hey, look. A dog with a shoe
in its mouth.
I'm sorry, are you done with me?
MAN 2: Get out of the shot.
Can you believe
Mr. Awesome is 90?
My grandmother is 87,
and she's a mess.
Mine is 82, and I've completely
written her off.
I hear he is speaking right now
to the crowd inside.
I'll have all the details later.
( applause and cheers )
Our seats are terrible.
They're great.
We're on the dais.
Hey, your dad's talking.
So it is with a heavy heart
that I announce today
as my last day
as the leader of The Awesomes.
( crowd gasps )
Oh, my God.
After 60 years of leading
America's greatest
superhero team,
I had to accept it's not
the job of a 90-year-old man.
MAN:
You don't look it.
Yes, my super powers have helped
slow the aging process,
but not completely.
This country, this world,
needs the protection
of someone who will
truly shield the people
from the growing number
of supervillains,
alien attacks,
zombie weekends,
vampire high schools
and evil robot housewives.
The time has come for me
to step down
and pass the torch
to a new generation.
REPORTER:
Mr. Awesome,
who will take your place?
There's only one person
who could run
The Awesomes in my place.
Only one man I would trust...
This is it, buddy.
The moment you've been
waiting for.
Quit it.
I'm gonna be on camera.
He's simply the greatest hero
the world has ever known:
Perfect Man.
Perfect Man? Over you? Why?
Because he's stronger?
Because he's faster? Handsomer?
Because he can fly?
Because of his hair?
His hair is awesome.
You're not helping.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Perfect Man.
I've seen him use that joke
like five times.
It gets me every time.
Because we all know who he is.
"My name is Perfect Man."
Heh-heh-heh.
Mr. Awesome, you are, in many
ways, the father I never had.
And you, Perfect Man,
are like the son I never had.
I'm his son.
Right.
But he's never had a son
like Perfect Man.
That's not how
that phrase is used.
Perfect Man,
I know it's sudden,
but do you accept?
Will you take over the team
and run The Awesomes?
( crowd murmuring )
( dramatic theme playing )
I will not.
Awkward.
While I am flattered,
this team was founded by you,
Mr. Awesome.
It bears your name.
Without you,
it wouldn't be the same.
To try and follow
in your footsteps
would just be
sheer foolishness.
And Perfect Man is no fool.
There goes the best man
I've ever met.
Well then, unless someone else
wants to step forward,
this will be the final meeting
of The Awe--
Stop.
My dream is
to lead The Awesomes.
If I let him disband the team,
that will never happen.
Dad always tells me I lack
the nerve to be a real hero.
Well, this would be nerve.
Maybe he's doing this
to test me.
I will pass that test.
This is my moment. Start.
--Awesomes.
And so my hope
I'll do it.
is America will never forget
I'll do it.
the courage of these heroes.
I need a microphone.
I got you, buddy.
( microphone feedback )
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it!
Do what, Jeremy?
Take over The Awesomes for you.
You know, keep it in the family.
Are your really
considering this, Mr. Awesome?
Your son has only been
on the team for a year,
and when he joined,
didn't he break three fingers
just shaking hands
with the team?
Hey, my son is
a very...capable superhero.
Oh, come on.
He couldn't beat me in a fight.
With all due respect, sir,
I think I could.
No, you couldn't.
Well, you're wrong.
CROWD ( in unison ):
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Yes. Uhh.
Too many chili dogs.
Uhh!
MAN:
Oh, no, he had a heart attack.
Yes.
PROCK:
What?
What are you doing?
Let me do this.
I can do this.
You think you can carry my A
on your chest?
Yes, Dad.
I really believe I can.
Oh, my God,
that was so heavy.
( man groans, then grunts )
I can't believe
you wore something
that heavy on your chest.
Look, you're my son,
Jeremy.
But you're your mother's son
even more.
You didn't inherit
my super strength,
you don't have any powers
except for the weird
stopping-time thing.
But you had
to stop doing that
because the doctor said
it might kill you.
You did stop doing that,
right?
Yes, I stopped.
Stop. Meh.
Start.
Good.
Your nose is bleeding.
Probably just the altitude.
But you are very bright.
Why not use those smarts?
Be a doctor, a lawyer,
start a photo blog.
I went to med school
and I became a doctor.
I went to law school
and I became a lawyer.
But, Dad, all I've ever wanted
to be is a superhero.
( sighs )
Okay, Jeremy.
You can run the team.
But I won't be here
to help you.
Why?
Where are you going?
Space.
Why space?
I've been at the beck
and call
of the people of Earth
for too long.
I need to retire somewhere
far away
where they can't contact me
every time there's a crisis.
What are you gonna do?
Get some reading done.
Haven't cracked a book
for 50 years.
First up, Betty Friedan's
The Feminine Mystique.
Sounds kinky.
Then go. I'll be fine.
You can't always be there
to catch me when I fall.
( screaming )
I hate it when you do that.
I hate it.
MAN:
Look. He's holding him
like a little baby.
( laughter )
Put me down.
Good news, everyone.
The Awesomes live on.
( cheering )
But without me,
for I am leaving Earth.
Farewell, good people.
Our time together was some
of the happiest of my life.
Awesome. And out.
Forgot my book.
( applause and cheers )
Well, let me say
that I'm glad to hear
that The Awesomes will continue.
And while I wish Jeremy luck--
Prock.
My superhero name is Prock.
--I will be leaving the team.
Wha--?
I'm out too.
I'm out.
Me too.
Not the same anymore.
You still in,
Black Irish?
( gasps )
You did it.
( dramatic theme playing )
MR. AWESOME ( over TV ):
So it is with a heavy heart
that I announce today
as my last day as the leader
of The Awesomes.
ANCHOR:
And with that announcement,
America's greatest hero
was gone.
Mr. Awesome leaving Earth.
Mr. Awesome,
the only hero
who ever had the power
to stop me, is gone.
Maybe now would be a good time
to remove every superhero
from Earth
and assume my position
of ultimate power.
Yep.
Now would be the time.
Guard, could you please
let me out?
I'm going to escape.
And, oh,
can I have a gun?
Are you out of your mind?
I'm not gonna gi--
Uh...
Open up on B-31.
Wonderful.
I'm going to need a Tom Ford
suit, some tuna carpaccio,
three hookers,
and one of those smart phones.
A really, really
smart phone.
Wonderful. Okay.
Let's hop to it.
Evil to be done.
( The Hold Steady's
"The Awesomes Theme Song"
playing )
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ Yeah, this feels awesome ♪
♪ Now, this feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels awesome ♪
♪ This feels so awesome ♪
( upbeat rock theme playing )
MUSCLEMAN:
So it's just us left?
We will rule this place.
I call this chair
and this chair.
I did the right thing, right?
The team has to go on.
Where will people go for help?
ANCHOR:
Tonight on the Superhero
News Network,
don't miss the one hour special
"Perfect Man Goes Solo."
The time for teams is over.
I'm gonna do it all by myself.
The time for teams is over?
MANDRAKE:
You can say that again.
Professor Doctor Awesome,
I'm Joyce Mandrake
from the government office
of superhero affairs.
Watch your feet.
Dude, we're getting
a new meeting table.
Very funny.
Ha-ha-ha.
Thank you.
What was very funny?
And what's going on?
By the order of the president
of the United States,
we are implementing code 33.
Thirty-three is
my ATM pin code.
Pin codes are four digits.
That probably explains
why money never comes out.
MANDRAKE:
Code 33 means this:
We're withdrawing
your government funding.
You can't cut our funding.
The U.S. Government has always
funded The Awesomes.
We weren't funding the name.
We were funding a team
of top-level heroes.
And with all due respect,
you ain't top level no more.
Stop. They would never
walk over Dad like this.
He would stick out his jaw
and tell them,
"Absolutely not. I'm in charge."
That's what I have to do.
Of course, I don't
really have my father's jaw.
His is almost a perfect square
and mine is weak and soft.
Man, of all the things
I didn't get from my dad,
the thing I want most
is that big old jaw.
Okay, sticking out the jaw
is a no-go,
but I should be able to come up
with some way to convince her
I am strong enough
to lead this team. Start.
Please, please,
please.
I've only been in charge
for like half an hour.
You can't kill us now.
Give me time.
I'll prove
that we're worth the money.
Please,
Professor Doctor.
If you're disbanding us,
just do me the favor
of ending it for me.
Roll over my head,
splatter my brains,
because I would prefer that
to getting fired
in my first half hour.
Fine.
"Fine" meaning what exactly?
Refill your roster.
If you put together a team,
then you can get continued use
of Awesome Mountain.
I'll give you 48 hours
to refill your roster.
Forty-eight hours?
How am I supposed to do that
with the two of us?
What about our support staff?
They're all gone.
What?
We need support staff.
Maintenance, chefs, assistants,
janitors, electricians.
Hundreds of people work here.
Well, now it's zero.
Give us 20.
Zero. Zero.
Fifteen. Ten.
Zero. Zero.
Three. One.
Okay, you get one.
Ha-ha-ha. In your face.
You got played.
Ow!
PROCK:
So you are?
I was the secretary's assistant
to the assistant secretary.
What's your name?
Concierge.
Ooh-la-la.
A French girl.
No, "concierge" means someone
who gets things done.
I don't know
how they chose
the one person
lucky enough to stay.
I said "not it"
the slowest.
Welcome aboard.
Our first mission
is to assemble a team.
We need more heroes.
I heard.
I took the liberty
of contacting
all 174 level-six-or-above
superheroes
who are currently unaffiliated
with any team.
Cool. How many are interested?
None.
Did you say "nine"?
None.
When you say none--
A hundred and twenty-six
gave a flat no,
45 laughed at me,
and three told me
to tell you to
"go ( bleep ) yourself."
Which I told them
I was not going to do.
Thanks for that.
So what now?
We could reach out
to level four and fives.
This is The Awesomes.
We can't have fours and fives.
Are you seriously telling me
there is no place
to find high-level powers
who might be interested
in joining this team?
Well, there is one place
to look, but it's not great.
Here you go.
What's this?
CONCIERGE:
This is the reject file.
Everyone in here
has been turned down
for one reason or another.
I'd be very wary
of considering any of them.
There are people in here
with some serious powers.
Who turned them down?
Your father.
Even with super vision, Dad had
a problem seeing potential.
I doubt Joyce Mandrake will be
happy with a team of rejects.
She's never going to know
they were a team of rejects.
Besides, I only have 48 hours.
I can't be choosy.
Maybe you're right. This is
the new Awesomes after all.
Our bar is lower.
Ooh, that's a good slogan.
That's not a good slogan.
These people might not be
heroes now,
but they will be
when I'm done with them.
To the Awesome Jet.
PROCK:
They took it?
CONCIERGE: Yep.
To the Awesome Copter.
PROCK:
Maybe it's easier if you just
tell me what they didn't take.
That's it?
Yep.
MUSCLEMAN ( sighs ):
You have to say it.
I don't want to.
It's fun when you say it.
Fine. To the old-timey
antique Awesome's plane.
PROCK:
Who's first, Concierge?
His name is Frantic.
He has super speed.
The government scales him
as a seven on the power scale.
A seven? That's great.
Why wasn't he accepted?
The term used was
"bat ( bleep ) crazy."
Oh, my goodness.
They changed their mind.
They changed their mind.
Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
( whistles ):
How fast is he?
Top three in the world.
Behind Zippity
and Captain Fleet Feet.
Oh, man. Thank you,
thank you.
Thank you for taking me
out of this nowhere life.
Did this place
used to be a circus?
Used to be?
Hell, no, boy.
This here's
the Danger Family Swamp Circus.
Open for business
and entertaining the masses
for going on 50 years.
Not that he ever did
any entertaining.
Well, now
I'm gonna be a superhero.
I'm gonna be famous.
I told you I was better
than you and I was right.
Momma, I love you.
I do.
You at least tried to understand
I was special.
Yup.
Is this costume okay? I may need
to speak to your designer.
I think this is fine,
but it could use
a lightning bolt or a flame.
What's happening now
is sort of a general meeting.
After this,
we'll go off
and discuss amongst ourselves
how it went
and get back to you
in 8-to-12 business months.
What about potential?
This guy has the potential
to be a public relations
train wreck.
I'm leaving now,
but I'll be back.
Oh, I'll definitely be back.
And when I come back,
it will be to kill you.
I'm not really
gonna kill them,
but it's fun to make them
think that.
Muscleman. Grab him.
Whoa!
Look, I'm sorry
if we misled you at all,
but I think we're actually
going to go another way.
What's happening,
boy?
Did they figure out
what we all know?
That you ain't nothing
but a failure?
( laughing )
Welcome to The Awesomes.
( Frantic exclaiming )
That was sweet.
I think I did the right thing.
Yeah. He is
bat ( bleep ) crazy.
Oh, yeah.
( Frantic exclaiming )
( Frantic exclaiming )
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
PROCK:
Who's next?
His name is Impresario.
Conjurer.
Graded out as an eight.
Turned down for mother issues.
I always told my baby,
I told my baby,
"Baby,
you're special.
And one day, someone is
gonna come to this house
and tell you
you special."
Isn't that right, baby?
Isn't that right?
Where did you find
your magic jewel?
I found it--
He found it in the woods.
He was always heading out
into the woods.
I told him, "Why don't you go
play sports with your friends?
Why are you always going
into the woods
like some sort of weirdo?"
But one day,
he came out of the woods
with a space jewel.
Why?
Because he's special.
And you should see
what he can do with it.
Mind if we get a demonstration?
Sure.
Demonstration? You bet.
Let's go in the backyard.
Mama. I need to do it on my own.
Okay, baby.
So according to our file,
you can use the jewel
to conjure
whatever your mind can conceive.
Yes.
Sounds amazing.
Let's see a giant fist.
Who wants to get punched?
Uh-oh.
Yep.
I'm sorry. I can do better.
How about a dragon?
Ooh, I'm a dragon, baby.
I shoot fire.
Do your mom.
Muscleman.
To build his confidence.
Did you make me proud, baby?
Tell me you made Mama proud.
He doesn't need a superhero
team, he needs therapy.
You look bloated,
darling.
Burp for Mama. Come on.
Rip one out. Come on.
( belches )
WANDA: Oh, yeah. That's my boy.
He's an eight. Not a lot
of eights out there.
I'm getting in on this.
So how does this work?
Do I get a secret identity?
Perhaps
wealthy philanthropist?
In which case,
you should probably procure me
a mansion
and fancy butler.
You live in a room
in Awesome headquarters
and get paid
every other Thursday.
The hell?
Concierge, who's next?
Sumo. No photo,
but he graded out as a nine.
Why would anyone
turn down a nine?
All it says is "age."
How old is Tim?
Tim is 11 years old,
but he is very strong.
And very hard working.
Tim is not lazy or weak
like American heroes.
We're all
American heroes.
And look at you. Stupid.
Fat. Crazy. And weak.
How did I do?
Not bad.
Tim is stronger than any man.
He is stronger than your friend.
Me?
Oh, I don't think so.
Wait, did she call me stupid
a few seconds ago?
Remember how we told you
your dog is on a farm now,
playing with rabbits?
Well, we were lying to you.
Your dog is dead,
and he killed him.
What's that now?
( roars )
ALL ( in unison ):
Whoa.
You got some size
on you there, short pants,
but as many ladies have told me,
size doesn't matter.
But let's see
if you've got-- Oh!
( grunting )
That kid's got some moves.
Be good.
Do you think
he'll be safe?
Yes. Safer than
he'd be with us.
Besides, he's gonna need better
extracurricular than violin
if he wants to get
into Harvard.
I have read Awesome Mountain
has the best chefs in the world.
Yeah, about that...
( beeping )
PROCK:
Concierge? What's happening?
Looks like we're going
on our first mission.
The Awesomes.
Our bar is lower.
That's not our slogan.
I thought we agreed it was.
WOMAN: No way.
WOMAN 2: Ee-ya!
Uh-huh? Mm! Ha! Mm!
Elderly chick fight.
Coincidentally, that is
the title of my favorite DVD.
( women grunting )
That's Gadget Gal.
She was an original Awesome.
And that's her archrival,
Tomboy.
Is that all you got,
girlie?
Because Mama
still has some moves.
( screams )
( dramatic theme playing )
Nice.
Yeah, that's a makeover.
( gasps )
Yeah, run.
Before I kick your rear so bad,
you'll look like
you're wearing shoulder pads.
Whoa. Check me out.
I'm a hot tomato again.
Will you look at my ass?
I'm looking.
Dancer's butt.
It's nice.
Seriously, I could crack walnuts
with this thing.
I can definitely find
some walnuts.
I think Tomboy hit you with
some sort of rejuvenation ray.
Your body reverted
to that of a 25-year-old.
So she's 80?
Yes.
But she was rejuvenated?
That's what the Prock said, yes.
So she has the body
of a 25 year old?
A very attractive
25 year old, yes.
My question is--
It's probably not gray.
Probably not gray.
Good. Very good.
Who are you?
If you're looking for me
to buy candy
to fund your marching band,
I ain't falling
for that scam.
I can explain.
So we're reforming
The Awesomes.
And you, Gadget Gal, you were
one of the first members
when my dad
founded the team,
and I would consider it an honor
if you'd rejoin.
I don't know, kid.
I've been out of this game
a while.
Superhero-ing is
a young gal's party.
No, screw it.
Sign me up.
Nice. That ought to do it.
I can call Mandrake
and tell her we got our roster.
I have to say,
I'm starting to feel
pretty good about this.
( dramatic theme playing )
( electric pulse )
( growls )
What the heck is that?
Holy crap.
Close.
It's called Compost.
What do we do, skipper?
( roars )
Sh-- ( bleep )
And it's all going
according to plan.
Peach cobbler?
Please.
( The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing )
So they're all gone?
No more free meals?
No.
No more sushi Saturdays?
Lobster Mondays?
Make-your-own-taco Tuesdays?
All gone. But I have lots
of Jack Link's jerky.
I love that stuff.
They come in
so many different flavors.
Mm. I know,
I like them all.
It's high in protein and low
in calories, fat and carbs.
This sounds like
a paid advertisement.
Wait, is this
a paid advertisement?
Why is Concierge
holding that sign?
It tastes good, right?
It's awesome.
And that's all
you need to know.
( The Hold Steady's
"Chips Ahoy" playing )
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't let me
touch you? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know
That you're high ♪
♪ If you won't even dance? ♪
♪ Yeah
You won't even dance ♪