The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 2, Episode 7 - Crime-Free Mayberry - full transcript

* WHEN JOHN HENRY
WAS A LITTLE BABY *

* SITTIN' ON
HIS MAMMY'S KNEE *

* GIVE ONE LONG AND LOUD
AND LONESOME WAIL *

* SAYS, THE HAMMER'LL BE
THE DEATH OF ME, LORD, LORD *

* THE HAMMER'LL BE
THE DEATH OF ME *

* JOHN HENRY SAYS
TO HIS SHAKER *

* WELL, SHAKER,
WHY DON'T YOU PRAY? *

* IF MY HAMMER MISS
THIS LITTLE PIECE OF STEEL *

* TOMORROW'LL BE YOUR
BURYIN' DAY, LORD, LORD *

* TOMORROW'LL
BE YOUR BURYIN' DAY *

NOW, THAT OUGHT TO MAKE
YOU FEEL BETTER, OTIS.



OH, THAT WAS JUST FINE, ANDY.

THANKS.

OH, MORNIN', BARN.

ANDY'S SINGING NOW.

BARNEY, PLAY ONE
ON YOUR HARMONICA.

WHAT IS THIS,
A JAIL OR A NIGHTCLUB?

IS HE SOBER
ENOUGH TO LEAVE?

I DON'T KNOW -- OTIS, YOU FEEL
UP TO FACING THE WORLD?

YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOW
IF THE WORLD'S UP TO FACING ME.

( laughing )

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT
CLEARING OUT, HUH?

SURE. SURE, BARNEY, SURE.

DON'T GO AWAY MAD, OTIS.



WANT ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE?

OH, BETTER NOT, ANDY.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME
SLEEP IT OFF, THOUGH.

THAT'S OKAY.
BEHAVE YOURSELF, NOW.

OH, I WILL. I WILL.

I'LL SEE YOU, OTIS.

BYE-BYE.

BARNEY, YOU WAS
A MIGHT SHARP TO OL' OTIS.

SOMETHING AILING YOU
THIS MORNING?

NO, NOTHING'S
AILING ME THIS MORNING.

OHH, YOU'RE AS TOUCHY
AS A OLD SETTIN' HEN.

I KNOW
WHAT'LL PERK YOU UP.

GET A CUP OF COFFEE.

I'LL SING "THE WRECK
OF THE OLD 97" FOR YOU.

LIKE THE FELLA SAYS,
"MUSIC HATH CHARMS."

YOU CALL THEM
DIPPY SONGS MUSIC?

WELL, THEY'RE FOLK MUSIC.

KINDA LIKE TRUE STORIES
SET TO TUNES IS WHAT THEY ARE.

IF SOMEBODY
DOES SOMETHING BRAVE

WHY NOT SING ABOUT IT?

BESIDES, YOU ALWAYS
LIKED THEM BEFORE.

WELL, I DON'T
LIKE THEM NOW.

THEY'RE HICK SONGS

AND THIS
IS A HICK TOWN

AND I'M A HICK DEPUTY

DOING A HICK JOB
IN A HICK JAIL!

BARNEY,
SET DOWN RIGHT THERE.

NOW, SUPPOSE YOU TELL ME
WHAT BROUGHT THIS ON?

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT NEW
STATE POLICE BUILDING

OVER AT MOUNT PILOT?

NO, NOT YET.

ANDY, WE ARE SO FAR
BEHIND THE TIMES

IT IS PITIFUL!

WHY, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE
A RADIO DISPATCHER

NOR A CRIME LAB
NOR A FINGERPRINT FILE

OR A TELETYPE MACHINE
OR A RADAR.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE
A HEE-LEE-O-COPTER.

WELL, WE AIN'T GOT
GUIDED MISSILES EITHER

BUT I DOUBT
IF WE NEED THEM.

NOW, BARNEY, YOU GET
THIS WAY EVERY NOW AND THEN.

IT -- IT'S JUST...

OH, UH... OH, ANDY?

MORNIN', MAYOR.

MEET OUR SHERIFF--
ANDY TAYLOR.

ANDY, THIS IS
MR. FRED JENKINS OF THE F.B.I.

NICE TO MEET YOU, SIR.

MY PLEASURE,
SHERIFF TAYLOR.

THIS IS MY DEPUTY,
BARNEY FIFE.

BARNEY.
F.B.I.

YES, SIR, THESE ARE
THE TWO MEN RESPONSIBLE.

WHAT'D WE DO?

YEAH, RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT?

THE RATE OF CRIME
HERE IN MAYBERRY.

AND, I TOLD YOU WE
NEEDED NEW EQUIPMENT!

SIR, WE'RE WORKING HERE UNDER
VERY PRIMITIVE CONDITIONS.

WHY, WE AIN'T EVEN
GOT A RADIO THAT --

BARNEY, JUST A SECOND.

WHAT ABOUT
OUR RATE OF CRIME?

IT'S THE LOWEST
IN THE WHOLE
DAD-BLAMED COUNTRY.

THAT'S RIGHT -- THE F.B.I.'s
LATEST SURVEY SHOWS MAYBERRY

TO BE THE MOST CRIME-FREE
COMMUNITY IN THE UNITED STATES.

ON BEHALF OF MR. HOOVER
AND THE ENTIRE BUREAU

CONGRATULATIONS.

WELL, I'LL BE DOGGED
AND FROM MR. HOOVER.

OLD J. EDGAR HIMSELF.

WE BETTER COME OVER HERE
AND TALK ABOUT THIS.

THAT'S QUITE AN HONOR,
YOU KNOW THAT, BARNEY?

THE CHIEF HAS
SENT ME DOWN HERE

TO OBSERVE FIRSTHAND

JUST HOW YOU ACHIEVED
THIS WONDERFUL RECORD.

WELL, FIRST OFF,
I THINK THE CREDIT

OUGHT TO GO WHERE
IT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS.

NOW, ANDY,
YOU HAD JUST AS MUCH

TO DO WITH IT AS I DID.

WELL, I APPRECIATE
THAT, BARNEY

BUT WHAT I HAD IN MIND

WAS THE FOLKS
THAT LIVE HERE.

I THINK BARNEY AND ME
IS JUST LUCKY

TO BE PEACE OFFICERS
IN A COMMUNITY

OF LAW-ABIDIN',
GOD-FEARIN' CITIZENS.

WHY, ABOUT THE MOST WE
HAVE TO DO...

ANDY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

FOR YOUR BARBERSHOP
APPOINTMENT.

I AIN'T GOT NO
BARBERSHOP APPOINTMENT.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, ANDY.

YOU WANT TO LOOK GOOD
FOR THE PRESS PHOTOGRAPHERS.

I'M AFRAID A CERTAIN
AMOUNT OF PUBLICITY

IS INEVITABLE,
SHERIFF TAYLOR.

WELL, MR. JENKINS, I WOULDN'T
MAKE TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS.

OUR SHERIFF'S
A VERY MODEST MAN.

THAT'S ONE
OF YOUR TROUBLES, ANDY.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN TOO MODEST.

YOU SHOULDN'T
BE THAT WAY AT ALL.

TAKE A LITTLE CREDIT
FOR THE THINGS YOU DO.

YEAH, I GUESS
THAT'S THE WORD

THAT DESCRIBES
US BEST -- MODEST.

AS YOU CAN SEE

WE DON'T GO IN FOR FANCY
TECHNICAL EQUIPMENT HERE.

WE'RE JUST PLAIN, SIMPLE MEN

FIGHTING ORGANIZED CRIME
WITH RAW COURAGE.

STRONG, DETERMINED,
RUGGED, FEARLESS...

AND MODEST.

I THINK THAT'S THE WORD

THAT DESCRIBES US BEST, YES.

WELL, SO JUST ABOUT THEN,
THERE COME

A JERK ON MY LINE THAT
LIKE TO SNATCHED ME

RIGHT OVER THE SIDE
OF THAT BOAT.

I SAYS, "HOLD ON, BARNEY,
WE HAVE DONE HOOKED US A WHALE."

I'LL BET
HE WAS A CATFISH.

NO, SIR.
HE WAS A CARP.

BIGGEST THING I EVER
DID LAY EYES ON.

AND DON'T YOU THINK I DIDN'T
HAVE A FIGHT ON MY HANDS.

A CARP?
OH, THEY ARE FIGHTERS.

FIGHTING FISH.
OH, I'LL SAY.

YEP, HE'S STILL IN THERE.

AND YOU'LL BE
THE FIRST TO INTERVIEW HIM.

OH, I'M SO THRILLED
I'M GETTING A SCOOP.

AND MEETING A REAL HERO.

THE LOWEST CRIME RATE
IN THE WHOLE UNITED STATES

AND HE RESPONSIBLE.

I'M TELLING YOU
THE TRUTH, FLOYD.

THAT THERE WAS
THE FIGHTIN'EST CRITTER

I EVER DID TANGLE WITH.

HE WASN'T ABOUT
TO BE CAUGHT.

THEY'RE STRONG,
THOSE CARPS... AND MEAN!

"WELL," I SAYS

"MR. CARP, YOU
HAVE MET YOUR MATCH."

AND THEN... OH, HOW DO?

WELL,
MAYOR PIKE.

MISS WILLIAMSON

THIS IS SHERIFF
ANDY TAYLOR

AND OUR BARBER,
FLOYD LAWSON.

HOW DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?

MISS WILLIAMSON WRITES
FOR THE NEWSPAPER

OVER AT THE
STATE CAPITAL.

PERHAPS YOU'VE
READ MY COLUMN

"MEANDERING
WITH MARGARET"?

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME A SECOND.

I HAVE SOMETHING
TO CHECK UP ON.

WELL, PLEASE DO GO ON
WITH THAT THRILLING EXPLOIT

YOU WERE TELLING
MR. LAWSON.

OH, WELL, UH, UH...
WHERE WAS I?

WELL, YOU WERE
JUST SAYING

"MR. CARP,
YOU HAVE MET YOUR MATCH."

OH, YES.

WELL, OLD CARP--
HE DIDN'T THINK SO.

NO?

NO. THE CLOSER
I COME TO
PULLING HIM IN

THE SCRAPPIER
HE GOT.

FINALLY, I JUST
REACHED DOWN

AND PICKED UP A AX

AND, WHAM, RIGHT
BETWEEN THE EYES.

YOU STRUCK HIM WITH AN AX?

THE BLUNT SIDE
TO STUN HIM.

OH, THEY'RE TOUGH,
THOSE CARPS!

OH, I TELL YOU!

WHAT DID YOU DO THEN?

I STRUNG HIM UP AND HAD MY
PICTURE TOOK WITH HIM.

YOU STRUNG HIM UP
RIGHT THEN AND THERE?

WELL, YES, MA'AM.
THERE WAS A BIG OAK TREE

WITH A GOOD STOUT LIMB --

OH, I RECKON SEVEN,
EIGHT FEET OFF THE GROUND.

I THROWED A ROPE
ACROSS IT

AND PULLED HIM UP.

AND BARNEY --
THAT'S MY DEPUTY --

HE TOOK MY PICTURE
STANDING BESIDE OF HIM

GRINNING
FROM EAR TO EAR.

IT TOOK ME ABOUT
ALL MY STRENGTH I HAD

TO PULL THAT CARP UP

WHERE HE CLEARED
THE GROUND.

THEY'RE BIG,
THOSE CARPS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WELL, I GOT
A PICTURE HERE...

OH, NO, NO. PLEASE.

YOU KILLED HIM?

WELL, YES, MA'AM.
ROUND THESE PARTS

WE FIGURE WE'RE
DOING FOLKS A FAVOR

WHEN WE KILL A CARP.

THEY'RE A AWFUL NUISANCE.

PUSHY. THEY'RE AWFUL PUSHY.

OH, NOBODY LIKES A CARP.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, THEY MAY BE
AN UNDESIRABLE ELEMENT

BUT GOOD HEAVENS.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND

KILLING THEM.

HOW YOU GETTING ALONG,
MISS WILLIAMSON?

MAYOR PIKE,
DO YOU KNOW

THAT MAN KILLED A CARP
IN COLD BLOOD?

OH, I EXPECT ANDY'S
KILLED MANY A CARP.

I HOPE HE GETS RID
OF A LOT MORE OF THEM.

WE JUST DON'T
LIKE THEM AROUND HERE.

WELL! I'M GOING HOME

WHERE THIS SORT OF THING
COULD NEVER HAPPEN.

YOU MEAN YOU
WOULDN'T KILL A CARP

WHERE YOU COME FROM?

OF COURSE NOT.

ANY MORE THAN
WE'D KILL A PIKE.

OOH!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

HUH! WELL, THAT'S
CITY FOLKS FOR YOU.

IF THEY WAS TO STUDY,
THEY COULDN'T PICK

TWO ORNERIER FISH
TO PROTECT.

WELL, WE GOT MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.

NOW, MR. JENKINS THINKS

WE OUGHT TO HOLD THAT
CELEBRATION TOMORROW NIGHT.

WHAT CELEBRATION?

WHEN WE GIVE YOU
AND BARNEY THE MEDALS!

MEDALS? NOW WAIT
A MINUTE, MAYOR.

YOU'RE BLOWING
THIS THING

WAY OUT OF PROPORTION.

YOU'RE GETTING FOLKS
ALL STIRRED UP

OVER SOMETHING THAT
AIN'T THAT IMPORTANT.

WELL, I'D CALL IT IMPORTANT--
WOULDN'T YOU, FLOYD?

WELL, I SURE WOULD --
I'M STIRRED UP

AND I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT IT IS.

PAW, I JUST HEARD.

HEARD WHAT?

GEE, PAW, YOU'RE A REAL HERO.

EVERY KID IN SCHOOL
SAYS TO THANK YOU.

THANK ME? FOR WHAT?

THE PRINCIPAL
DECLARED A HOLIDAY

'CAUSE YOU AND BARNEY
ARE BEING HONORED.

YOU GETTIN' A MEDAL, PAW?

NO, SON, I'M NOT.

YES, YOU ARE, ANDY.

I'VE ALREADY TOLD RAY WATSON
TO GET STARTED WITH THEM.

WELL, YOU JUST TELL HIM
TO GET UNSTARTED.

THERE AIN'T NOBODY GONNA
PIN A MEDAL ON ME

FOR SOMETHING
I DIDN'T DO.

BUT YOU DID DO IT.

DID WHAT?

WHAT DID HE DO?

NOW, MAYOR, I'M GONNA
TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME.

BARNEY AND ME
IS JUST LUCKY.

AND WE DON'T WANT
ANY FUSSIN'.

NOW, I KNOW I SPEAK
FOR BARNEY WHEN I SAY

WE DON'T
WANT ANY MEDALS.

AIN'T YOU GOT ANYTHING
BIGGER THAN THESE?

WELL, I CAN MAKE UP
ANYTHING YOU WANT, BARNEY.

THESE ARE JUST SAMPLES
OF OTHER MEDALS.

SAY, WHY DON'T
I SKETCH OUT AN IDEA

AND SEE HOW YOU
AND ANDY LIKE IT?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, RAY.

REMEMBER, NOW, NOTHING GAUDY.

JUST PLAIN, SIMPLE SOLID GOLD.

NO DIAMONDS.

NOT FOR ME.

COURSE, IF YOU'D LIKE TO WORK
SOMETHING OUT IN RUBIES

THAT'S MY BIRTHSTONE.

OKAY, BARNEY.

I'LL SEE YOU, RAY.

SAY HELLO
TO YOUR MOTHER.

THANK YOU. I WILL.

OH, WHERE WAS I?

YOU WERE JUST
ABOUT TO SUM UP.

OH, YEAH. UH-HUH.

WELL, I GUESS,
TO SUM IT UP

YOU COULD SAY
THERE'S THREE REASONS

WHY THERE'S SO LITTLE
CRIME IN MAYBERRY.

THERE'S ANDY...

AND THERE'S ME...

AND BABY MAKES THREE.

SAY, THAT'S KIND
OF A GOOD PHRASE

IF YOU'D LIKE
TO WRITE THAT DOWN.

I'LL REMEMBER IT.

SHERIFF TAYLOR?

UH, UH... NO.

DEPUTY SHERIFF FIFE.

"BARNEY" TO YOU
GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS.

JOE LAYTON,
INTERCONTINENTAL NEWS.

HOW SOON WILL
SHERIFF TAYLOR BE BACK?

OH, ANY MINUTE NOW.

MEANTIME, IS THAT
A PRETTY GOOD CAMERA?

YEAH. WHY?

WELL, IT'S JUST
THAT MY FAST DRAW

HAS NEVER BEEN
SUCCESSFULLY PHOTOGRAPHED.

ALL THEY BEEN ABLE
TO GET SO FAR

IS A SORT OF A BLUR.

DEPUTY?

OH, I'M SORRY.

THIS IS MR. JENKINS
OF THE F.B.I.

MR. JOE LAYTON,
INTERCONTINENTAL NEWS SERVICE.

MR. LAYTON.

WHY DON'T YOU RUN OVER
TO THE BARBERSHOP

AND SEE WHAT'S
KEEPING SHERIFF TAYLOR?

I'LL LOOK
AFTER THINGS HERE.

OH, OKAY.

I GUESS I CAN TRUST
THE F.B.I.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( door slams )

I THOUGHT THAT CLOWN
WOULD TALK MY ARM OFF.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

CASING THE ROADS
IN AND OUT OF TOWN.

THEY GO FOR
THE F.B.I. BIT?

DIDN'T EVEN ASK
TO SEE MY IDENTIFICATION.

UH-HUH. WHAT'S
THE SCHEDULE?

BIG HERO CELEBRATION
TOMORROW NIGHT.

EVERYBODY WILL BE THERE
HONORING THEIR TWO LAWMEN.

WE CAN WALK AWAY
WITH EVERY DIME IN THIS TOWN.

THEY REALLY
BOUGHT IT, HUH?

WELL, THEY THINK
THEY'VE STRUCK OIL.

THIS IS JUST TOO EASY.

( both laughing )

ANDY! ANDY, THEY'VE DONE IT!
THEY'VE DONE IT!

DONE WHAT?
THEY'VE MADE A LEGEND
OUT OF US IN OUR OWN TIME!

THEY'VE WRITTEN
A FOLK SONG ABOUT US!

"THE BALLAD OF
ANDY AND BARNEY,

OR THE GANGSTERS' MISTAKE."

IF THAT AIN'T THE MOST
RIDICULOUS THING I --

OH, NO, NO, WAIT
A MINUTE NOW,

IT'S NOT TOO BAD --
TRY IT FROM THE TOP.

THE TUNE IS LIKE
"FRANKIE AND JOHNNY."

WHAT FOOLISHNESS
WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?

GO 'HEAD.

* ANDY AND BARNEY
WERE LAWMEN *

* BRAVEST YOU EVER
DID SEE *

* WARNED EVERY CROOK
IN THE RECORD BOOK *

* TO STAY OUT OF
MAYBERRY *

* THEY WERE
THE LAW *

* YES, THEY WERE
THE LAW *

* AND THEY DIDN'T KNOW FEAR

THROW THAT THING
IN THE TRASH.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,
ANDY, IT GETS BETTER

IN THE SECOND VERSE --
LISTEN TO THIS --

* PRETTY BOY FLOYD
COME A-RIDING *

* DILLINGER, TOO,
BIG AS LIFE *

* THEY WEREN'T ALONE --
THERE WAS AL CAPONE *

* AND IN BACK OF
MACK THE KNIFE *

* THEY RODE --

BARNEY, BARNEY,
BARNEY, BARNEY, HOLD IT!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHO EVER WROTE THAT
DID IT FOR A JOKE!

I DID NOT!

YOU WROTE IT?

WELL, ANDY, THE WAY
I FIGURE,

WHY TAKE A CHANCE ON
BECOMING A LEGEND?

THIS WAY WE'RE SURE!

BARNEY, I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T
EVEN LIKE FOLK SONGS.

OH, ANDY, LIKE YOU
SAID YOURSELF,

IF SOMEBODY DOES
SOMETHING BRAVE,

WHY NOT SING ABOUT IT?

WE DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING!

OH, NO?

WE'RE ONLY BEING HONORED
BY THE FBI IS ALL.

BARNEY, THAT'S FOR
THE TOWN!

[ SIGHS ]

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW TO WEAR

THE MANTLE OF POPULARITY,
DO YOU?

BARNEY.

RIGHT THIS WAY, FOLKS,
THAT'S IT,

TRY TO KEEP TOGETHER THERE,
THAT'S IT, FINE --

YES, NO STRAGGLERS, NOW --
JUST COME AROUND HERE.

THAT'S IT.

FLOYD, WHAT'S
GOING ON?

FOLKS, ARE YOU EVER IN LUCK.

BOTH OF OUR FAMOUS
PEACE OFFICERS ARE ON DUTY.

NOW, THIS BIG FELLA HERE
IS SHERIFF ANDY TAYLOR.

HE'S BETTER KNOWN
AS "DEADEYE" ANDY.

HE IS PROBABLY THE GREATEST
LAWMAN SINCE WYATT EARP

AND THAT LITTLE WIRY FELLA
WEARING THAT BIG...

THAT IS DEPUTY
BARNEY FIFE.

FLOYD, COULD I SEE YOU
OUTSIDE FOR A MINUTE?

UH-OH. WHEN SHERIFF TAYLOR
ASKS YOU TO STEP OUTSIDE

YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS?

THAT USUALLY A GUN DUEL
ON MAIN STREET.

HOWEVER, HE DOESN'T
SHOOT HIS FRIENDS--

ESPECIALLY WHEN
THEY'RE UNARMED.

SO, I... I GUESS MAYBE
I'LL BE, UH... COMING BACK.

EXCUSE US.

EXCUSE US.

WELL, FRIENDS,
AS MR. LAWSON TOLD YOU

I'M DEPUTY SHERIFF
BARNEY FIFE --

ALTHOUGH I DO
HAVE A NICKNAME

I'VE BEEN STUCK WITH
AND CAN'T SEEM TO LOSE.

IT'S "FAST GUN" FIFE.

I NOTICED SOME OF YOU
WERE STARING AT THIS GUN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GOT THEM
OFF THE NEW ORLEANS BUS?

IT MADE A REST STOP.

ALL I DID WAS ASK IF THEY WANTED
TO SEE A FAMOUS LANDMARK

AND A COUPLE
OF LEGENDARY CHARACTERS.

FLOYD, YOU DRUG THOSE FOLKS
IN THERE FOR NOTHING.

I DID NOT. I CHARGED THEM

TWO BITS APIECE.

NOW, THAT'S
DOWNRIGHT DISHONEST.

WELL, THEY'RE GETTING
THEIR MONEY'S WORTH.

FLOYD, YOU ALL ARE LETTING
THIS THING GET WAY OUT OF HAND.

BESIDES, ANDY, THIS HAS ALL
BEEN OFFICIALLY APPROVED

BY THE GREATER MAYBERRY
HISTORICAL SOCIETY
AND TOURIST BUREAU.

THEY'RE HAVING A MEETING RIGHT
NOW IN THE MAYOR'S OFFICE.

AND YOUR AUNT BEE
IS THE CHAIRWOMAN.

THE GREATER MAYBERRY HISTORICAL
SOCIETY AND TOURIST BUREAU?

LIMITED.
IT WILL BE WHEN
I GET THROUGH WITH THEM.

All: AYE.

THEN THE MOTION HAS BEEN
MADE AND CARRIED.

OUR SOUVENIR BOOKLETS
WILL FEATURE

THE LIFE STORY
OF ANDY AND BARNEY

COMPLETE WITH PICTURES.

GOOD, THAT WILL BRING
IN REVENUE.

AND I TOOK THE LIBERTY

OF BRINGING ALONG
THE FAMILY ALBUM.

THERE'S SOME
DARLING PICTURES

OF ANDY GROWING UP.

OH, LET'S SEE.

WELL, NATURALLY,
WE WON'T USE THAT ONE.

( all laughing )

CAREFUL. DON'T TEAR IT.

I'LL NEVER GET HIM
TO POSE LIKE THAT AGAIN.

LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE
YOU GOT THERE.

OH, NOW THERE'S
A GOOD ONE.

OH, THAT'S A DANDY.

SO LIFELIKE.

IT'S WONDERFUL.

OH, ANDY,
YOU'RE HERE.

YES, MA'AM. NOW,
JUST WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

OH, NOW, ANDY, YOU JUST GET
BACK TO WIPING OUT CRIME

AND MAKING
MAYBERRY FAMOUS

AND LEAVE
THE REST TO US.

WE'LL GET A LOT
OF BUSINESS

FROM THE TOURISTS.

WELL, RIGHT NOW,

THE TOURISTS ARE GETTING
THE BUSINESS FROM US.

THERE'S A WHOLE COVEY
OF THEM DOWNSTAIRS

PAID TWO BITS A HEAD
TO SEE OUR JAIL.

ONLY THERE AIN'T
NOTHING TO SEE

BUT SOME EMPTY CELLS.

NOW, THIS IS
DOWNRIGHT SILLY.

WHAT IN THE WORLD
CAN BARNEY TELL THEM

ABOUT TWO EMPTY CELLS?

NOW, THESE ARE OUR
MAXIMUM SECURITY CELLS.

FOLKS, THIS IS
WHERE WE KEEP

OUR MOST INCORRIGIBLE
PRISONERS.

THESE CELLS ARE
ABSOLUTELY ESCAPE-PROOF.

NOW, I HAVE
SOME COPIES HERE

I PRINTED UP MYSELF

THAT TELL THE STORY
OF HOW WE STRUCK FEAR

INTO THE HEARTS OF SOME
OF OUR MOST DANGEROUS GANGSTERS.

UH-UH. DO YOU SEE
HOW WE'VE GOT THE CRIMINALS

AROUND HERE INTIMIDATED?

THE MINUTE
THEY COMMIT A CRIME

THEY KNOW THAT
CAPTURE IS INEVITABLE.

AND THEY JUST COME IN
AND LOCK THEMSELVES UP.

BACK, YOU SAVAGE
KILLER! BACK!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I AM A KILLER.

I JUST KILLED
A WHOLE PINT.

THAT'S THE END
OF THE TOUR, FOLKS.

HOW'D IT GO?

FABULOUS. THE ONLY THING,
I ALMOST BROKE UP

WHEN I GOT A LOOK
AT THAT BANK VAULT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? OLD?

OLD? I'LL BET
SHERMAN CRACKED IT

ON HIS MARCH TO THE SEA.

YOU MAY NOT HAVE
TO USE A TORCH.

FRED, I'VE HAD BEER CANS
GIVE ME MORE TROUBLE

THAN THAT THING WILL --
FIVE MINUTES...

WELL, SHERIFF TAYLOR,
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

MR. LAYTON,
MR. JENKINS.

EVERYBODY TREATIN'
YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.
YOU BET.

I GUESS
THE TOWN'S ALL READY

FOR THE BIG
CELEBRATION TONIGHT.

SURE DO WISH YOU FELLAS
HADN'T PICKED ON MAYBERRY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

AS THE MOST
CRIME-FREE COMMUNITY.

OH, YEAH.
YOU DESERVE IT.
WELL...

SAY, HOW ABOUT A PICTURE
OF YOU TWO?

YOU KNOW, THE F.B.I. SHAKING
HANDS WITH THE SHERIFF?

WELL, I'D BE PROUD
IF MR. JENKINS DON'T MIND.

NO, NOT AT ALL.

WOULD YOU STEP
OVER THERE, PLEASE?

IS RIGHT HERE
ALL RIGHT?

YOU SURE IT'S NOT
PUTTIN' YOU OUT?

NOT A BIT.

SHAKE HANDS, PLEASE.
THAT'S RIGHT.

WAIT WHILE I GET
A LITTLE FOCUS HERE.

LET'S HAVE A SMILE.

READY? GO.

THERE WE ARE,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELL, MUCH OBLIGED.

I ENJOYED THAT.

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME

I GOT LITTLE DUTIES
TO ATTEND TO.

YOU GO
RIGHT AHEAD.

SEE YOU TONIGHT.

HERE'S THE TIMETABLE
FOR TONIGHT.

SOON AS I START
MY SPEECH, YOU
CAN SLIP AWAY.

I'LL SPEAK
FOR 15 MINUTES.

THEN I'LL MAKE MY
PRESENTATION TO THE MAYOR.

AND THEN I'LL GIVE THE MEDALS
TO OUR TWO HEROES...

WELL, THANK YOU,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
OF OUR FAIR CITY.

THIS IS INDEED
A MEMORABLE DAY FOR MAYBERRY.

AS YOU HAVE PROBABLY
HEARD BY NOW

WE ARE ACCREDITED WITH HAVING
THE LEAST CRIME ACTIVITY

OF ANY CITY OUR SIZE IN AMERICA.

( applause )

THANK YOU.

NOW, NATURALLY, WE'RE
JUSTLY PROUD OF THIS RECORD

AND TO SPEAK TO US
FURTHER ON THIS SUBJECT

IS A VERY DISTINGUISHED
GENTLEMAN FROM THE F.B.I.

MR. FRED JENKINS!

( applause )

MR. JENKINS.

MAYOR PIKE,
DISTINGUISHED GUESTS

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

ORGANIZED CRIME
FEARS THE BRAVE, THE HONEST,

THE INCORRUPTIBLE LAWMAN.

AND THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE HERE

IN YOUR FAIR COMMUNITY
OF MAYBERRY.

( applause )

YES, MY FRIENDS

YOU HAVE MUCH
TO BE PROUD OF

IN THOSE TWO
SPLENDID EXAMPLES

OF AMERICAN MANHOOD.

( applause )

AND I SAY TO YOU
THAT NO CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION

NO MATTER HOW POWERFUL,
NO MATTER HOW RUTHLESS

NO MATTER HOW FAR IT MAY REACH

CAN STAND UP
AGAINST THE FEARLESS

THE DEVOTED,
THE DEDICATED PEACE OFFICER.

WE DEFY THE MAFIA!

WELL, COME IN,
MR. LAYTON.

COME ON IN.

AND CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO DO
IN 15 MINUTES

WHAT THIS TOWN'S BEEN TRYING

TO DO FOR
THE PAST 15 YEARS.

WHAT'S THAT?

OPEN THE DOOR TO THIS VAULT.

SEE, THE COMBINATION
WAS LOST

AND THE COMPANY
THAT BUILT IT

WENT OUT OF BUSINESS.

AND WE'D JUST ABOUT
GIVE UP HOPE

OF EVER
GETTIN' HER OPEN.

BUT IF... IF...

HOW DID YOU
GET IN HERE?

OH, I COME IN
THE BACK DOOR.

SEE, WE CUT THAT IN
WHEN WE FOUND OUT

WE COULDN'T COME IN
ANY OTHER WAY.

COME ON.

OH, NOW,
CHEER UP, BARNEY.

I WAS JUST LUCKY,
IS ALL.

IF YOU'D HAVE
BEEN IN MY SHOES

YOU'D HAVE
SEEN THROUGH 'EM

JUST THE SAME AS I DID.

YOU THINK SO?

WELL, SURE! YOU KNOW
AS WELL AS I DO

THAT SPECIAL AGENTS
FOR THE F.B.I.

DON'T ALLOW THEIR
PICTURES TO BE TOOK.

WELL, YEAH. SURE.

RIGHT THIS WAY, FOLKS.

HEY, SHAPE UP, BARNEY.

HERE COMES
ANOTHER TOUR.

STEP RIGHT IN,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I'M DEPUTY SHERIFF FIFE

AND THIS IS
SHERIFF ANDY TAYLOR.

NOW, THESE OVER HERE

ARE OUR MAXIMUM SECURITY CELLS.

IN THESE CELLS,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

WE KEEP OUR MOST
INCORRIGIBLE PRISONERS.

THEY WERE CAPTURED
ONLY LAST NIGHT

AFTER ONE OF THE MOST BRILLIANT
PIECES OF DETECTIVE WORK

IN THE HISTORY
OF CRIME DETECTION.

* IN A JAILHOUSE,
DOWN IN DIXIE *

* FIGHTIN' CRIME
AND RISKIN' LIFE *

* DWELLED A SHERIFF
AND HIS BUDDY *

* PISTOL-PACKING
BARNEY FIFE *

* OH, MY DARIN',
OH, MY DARIN' *

* OH, MY DARIN' BARNEY FIFE

* HE'S A DEADLY
CRIMESTOPPER *

* WHAT A COPPER,
BARNEY FIFE *

* THEN ONE DAY
THERE COME A RIDING *

* TWO BAD MEN
TO ROB A BANK *

* BUT FIFE WAS TRICKY,
A DEAD-EYE DICKY *

* NOW THEY'RE LOCKED-UP
IN THE TANK *

* OH, MY BARNEY,
OH, MY BARNEY *

* HAD A JAIL
AND COULDN'T LOCK IT *

* HAD ONE BULLET
FOR HIS PISTOL *

* HAD TO KEEP IT
IN HIS POCKET **