The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 2, Episode 5 - Barney on the Rebound - full transcript

THANKS FOR THE LIFT, BARNEY.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME,
THELMA LOU.

LET'S SEE IF I HAVE
MY MARKET LIST.

OH, YES, HERE IT IS.

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT
ABOUT 7:30, OKAY?

OKAY, BARNEY.

DON'T DO THAT.

WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?

WELL...

FOLKS KNOW ABOUT
YOU AND ME.

WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU
JUST DON'T COME OUT



AND KISS A DEPUTY
ON THE JAW

RIGHT OUT ON THE STREET.

OH, BARNEY, WHY NOT?

WELL, BECAUSE.

I'M SORRY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S JUST THAT IN
MY POSITION, WHY --

EXCUSE ME, THELMA LOU.

I GOT TO TAKE CARE OF A
LITTLE PARKING VIOLATION.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

I'M SORRY, MISS.

THIS IS A RESTRICTED
PARKING AREA.

OH, I'M SORRY...



OFFICER.

I'M NEW IN TOWN

AND I DIDN'T REALIZE
I WAS DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

WELL, UH...

I WANTED
SOME DIRECTIONS

AND I THOUGHT
MAYBE YOU'D HELP... OFFICER.

CERTAINLY, MA'AM.

WELL, I WAS JUST TRYING

TO FIND MY WAY
TO THE POST OFFICE.

UH, UH, POST OFFICE?

UH-HUH.

WELL, THE POST OFFICE IS, UH...

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GET IN YOUR CAR

AND I'LL GET IN MY CAR,
AND THEN YOU FOLLOW ME

AND I'LL TAKE YOU THERE.

WHY, THANK YOU.

YOU JUST STEP
RIGHT IN HERE

AND I'LL OPEN
THE DOOR FOR YOU.

GET RIGHT IN
THE SEAT THERE.

THANK YOU.

[ SIREN BLARES ]

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HIM--

ACTING LIKE HE WAS LEADING
HER DOWN THE OREGON TRAIL.

WELL, I EXPECT
HE WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

OH, HI, THELMA LOU.

HI, CHIEF.

BARN.

DID YOU GET
ALL YOUR SHOPPING DONE?

YES. DID YOU?

HUH?

WHO'S THE GIRL?

WHAT GIRL?

THE ONE WHO GOT THE POLICE
ESCORT TO THE POST OFFICE.

OH, HER.

YES, HER.
WHO IS SHE?

WELL, HER NAME'S
MELISSA STEVENS.

SHE JUST MOVED HERE
WITH HER DADDY

AND THEY'RE RENTING
THE OLD PEARSON PLACE

OUT ON POST ROAD

TILL THEY FIND
WHERE THEY WANT TO SETTLE.

HER DADDY'S NAME'S GEORGE.

HE OWNED A COTTON MILL
DOWN IN SAVANNAH.

HAD SOME SHIPPING
INTERESTS, TOO.

MADE HIS BUNDLE.
HE'S RETIRED NOW.

HE'S A WIDOWER.

HIS WIFE DIED FOUR YEARS AGO
LAST OCTOBER

AND MELISSA'S BEEN
TAKING CARE OF HIM EVER SINCE.

THAT'S WHY SHE'S
NEVER MARRIED, SEE.

SHE'S AN EDUCATED GIRL, TOO.

SHE WENT TO JUNIOR COLLEGE
DOWN THERE, TWO YEARS.

REAL NICE GIRL, THELMA LOU.

YOU OUGHTA GET TO KNOW HER.

YOU'D LIKE HER A LOT.

SHE'S A... WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU GET ALL
THIS INFORMATION

JUST SHOWING HER THE WAY
TO THE POST OFFICE?

WELL, NO. I DIDN'T
JUST SHOW HER THE WAY.

NATURALLY,
I ESCORTED HER INSIDE.

OH, NATURALLY.

WELL, MY GOSH, THELMA LOU,
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

YOU JUST
CAN'T POINT AND RUN.

SHE'S NEW HERE.

BEING AN OFFICER

IT'S PRACTICALLY MY DUTY
TO SHOW HER AROUND.

RIGHT, ANDY?

OH. YEAH, YEAH.

WHAT DID YOU
HAVE TO SHOW HER

THAT SHE COULDN'T
FIND HERSELF?

WELL, LOTS OF THINGS--

THE STAMP MACHINE,
THE PARCEL POST WINDOW

THE OUTGOING AIRMAIL SLOT.

YEAH. THEY'RE HARD TO FIND.

WELL, I MEAN,
WHEN YOU'RE NEW IN TOWN...

OH, THE POOR LITTLE LOST LAMB.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, THELMA LOU.

NO, YOU WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU OUGHTA KNOW
YOU MADE A BIG FOOL OF YOURSELF.

WHY? BECAUSE I HAPPEN
TO BE COURTEOUS TO A STRANGER

STRICTLY
IN THE LINE OF DUTY?

AND IT WAS STRICTLY IN
THE LINE OF DUTY, RIGHT, ANDY?

I'D RATHER STAY
OUT OF THIS.

WHAT IF I DID OFFER MY HAND
TO HELP HER OUT OF THE CAR?

AND WHAT
IF SHE DID HOLD ON TO IT

ALL THE WAY
THROUGH THE POST OFFICE?

THAT'S PROBABLY JUST A CUSTOM
WHERE SHE COMES FROM.

BARNEY,
I'D CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

I KNOW YOUR TROUBLE,
THELMA LOU.

YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM
THE AGE-OLD PROBLEM

OF ALL FEMALES.

JEALOUSY, JUST PLAIN
GREEN-EYED JEALOUSY.

WELL! BARNEY FIFE,
EITHER YOU AND I

ARE GOING TOGETHER
OR WE ARE NOT.

BARNEY,
I'D CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

WELL, MAYBE
WE'RE GOING TOGETHER

BUT YOU DON'T OWN ME--
NOT YET, YOU DON'T.

I'M STILL A FREE MAN,
YOU HEAR?

OF COURSE, MR. FIFE.

YOU'RE AS FREE AS A BIRD

AND FOR THAT MATTER, SO AM I.

NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I BELIEVE I'LL FLY AWAY.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

I BELIEVE IT'S NOW TOO LATE
TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

WON'T TALK TO ME.
WON'T ANSWER THE PHONE.

WON'T COME TO THE DOOR
WHEN I CALL.

SO IF THAT'S THE WAY SHE WANTS
IT, IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME.

THELMA LOU GOT A MAD
ON AT YOU, HAS SHE?

ANDY, WHAT IS IT WITH WOMEN?

THEY GOT SOME KIND OF A RULE

THEY CAN'T BE HAPPY UNLESS
THEY'RE CAUSING TROUBLE?

OH, I WOULDN'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, BARNEY.

SHE'LL SIMMER DOWN.

AND THERE'LL BE ALL
THE FUN OF MAKING UP

AND HUGGING AND KISSING
AND THEN ANOTHER FALLING OUT

AND MORE HUGGING
AND MORE KISSING.

LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS.

SEE, YOU'RE JUST PRACTICING
UP FOR MARRIED LIFE.

BOY. IF THIS IS
PRACTICING UP FOR MARRIAGE,

I'M GOING TO STUDY UP
TO BE A HERMIT.

I'M THROUGH WITH WOMEN, ANDY.
I'VE HAD IT.

FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

YOU CAN TAKE EVERY BLAME
FEMALE IN THE WHOLE WORLD

AND PUT THEM
ON A SLOW BOAT TO CHINA.

HELLO. DEPUTY FIFE SPEAKING.

OH, HI, MELISSA.

WELL, SHUCKS, MELISSA.

IT WAS A PLEASURE.

WELL, I THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT LIKE TO COME

AND HAVE SUPPER
WITH DADDY AND ME TONIGHT.

SUPPER?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF I REALLY OUGHT TO.

UH...

WHY NOT?

I'D BE DELIGHTED.

YEAH.

7:00-ish IT IS.

THAT FOR YOU, THELMA LOU.

WELL, SHE'S
JUST GONNA GET

THAT MUCH
MADDER AT YOU.

WELL, WHO CARES?

I'M A FREE MAN.

I MIGHT AS WELL
PLAY THE FIELD.

TONIGHT MELISSA,
TOMORROW NIGHT JUANITA.

AFTER THAT...

WHO KNOWS?

[ LAUGHING ]

HERE'S ANOTHER
ONE FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT
THAT'S YELLOW

HAS FOUR LEGS, FLIES,
AND WEIGHS A THOUSAND POUNDS?

I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU, DADDY?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT IS IT?

TWO 500-POUND CANARIES.

OH, BY GOLLY,
I LIKE A GOOD STORY.

TWO 500-POUND CANARIES.

Melissa: MR. FIFE,

DON'T TELL ME YOU ALSO
HAVE A KNOWLEDGE OF MUSIC?

YES, MA'AM.

I AIN'T ASHAMED TO SAY

THAT US RUGGED LAWMEN
HAVE OUR GENTLER MOMENTS.

YOU KNOW,
IT KINDA EASES THE TENSION

AFTER DEALING
WITH VIOLENCE ALL DAY.

MIGHT WE HAVE THE PLEASURE
OF HEARING A SELECTION?

WELL, SHUCKS, I
DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

WHAT NUMBERS DO YOU HAVE IN
YOUR REPERTOIRE, MR. FIFE?

ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
YOU JUST NAME IT.

"KITTEN ON THE KEYS,"
"ROSES OF PICARDY,"

"FUNICULI, FUNICULA,"
YOU JUST NAME IT.

DADDY,
ISN'T HE A TREASURE?

MORNING, ANDY.

HI.

WELL...

GOT IN LATE LAST NIGHT,
DIDN'T YA?

YEAH.

[ YAWNS ]

[ CHUCKLING ]

YEAH. I GUESS I DIDN'T
HIT THE OLD SACK

TILL ALMOST 10:30.

BOY, THESE LATE HOURS
ARE GONNA KILL ME DEAD.

YOU BETTER STOP IT, TOO.

STOP WHAT?

YOU BETTER STOP MESSIN' AROUND
UP AT THAT GIRL'S HOUSE

AND YOU BETTER GET OVER THERE
AND MAKE UP WITH THELMA LOU.

WELL, MAYBE I AIN'T
IN ANY RUSH TO.

MAYBE I KINDA LIKE
PLAYING THE FIELD.

YOU GOING UP THERE AGAIN?

MM-HMM.

YEAH.

TONIGHT,
AS A MATTER OF FACT.

ALL RIGHT.

SUIT YOURSELF

BUT I THINK WHEN
YOU GOT A STEADY GIRL

YOU OUGHT TO
BE TRUE TO HER.

YOU KNOW, ANDY

YOU'RE KINDA CUTE
IN YOUR OLD-FASHIONED WAY

YOU KNOW THAT?

NO, I DON'T
SUPPOSE I'LL STAY

IN THE SHERIFFING
BUSINESS ALL MY LIFE.

WHAT DO YOU REALLY
WANNA DO, BARNEY?

OH, I MIGHT GO INTO PRIVATE
DETECTIVE WORK ONE DAY--

YOU KNOW, OPEN UP
MY OWN OFFICE.

WELL, THAT'D COST
A FEW DOLLARS, WOULDN'T IT?

YEAH, BUT I WATCH
MY MONEY PRETTY CLOSE.

I GOT A PRETTY GOOD
NEST EGG IN THE BANK NOW.

WELL, WHY DON'T WE GO
IN THE LIVING ROOM

WHERE WE'LL BE
MORE COMFORTABLE?

MMM. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

I'LL GET
YOUR CHAIR, MELISSA.

THANK YOU.

MM-HMM.

YEAH. I SUPPOSE
I'LL ALWAYS STAY

IN SOME SORT
OF LAWMAN'S WORK.

I'VE EVEN THOUGHT
OF THE F.B.I.

BUT, UH...

I THOUGHT MAYBE
I'D DROP OLD J. EDGAR A NOTE

ONE OF THESE DAYS
AND SORT OF FEEL HIM OUT.

WELL, I IMAGINE YOU TWO
WOULD LIKE TO BE ALONE.

YEAH. I'LL JUST
READ MY PAPER.

BOY, HE SURE IS
A NICE GUY, YOUR DADDY.

KIND OF... KIND OF
A YOUNG-LOOKING FELLA.

BARNEY?

HUH?

YOU THINK
I'M NICE, TOO?

WELL, UH, YEAH.

YEAH.

SAY...

LISTEN, I SURE HOPE

WE DIDN'T DRIVE
YOUR FATHER OUT OF HERE.

NO.

NO, NO. WE DIDN'T.

THE LIGHT WAS
BOTHERING MY EYES.

YEAH. WELL, THEY'LL DO THAT.

IT ALSO MAKES
THE ROOM WARMER.

YEAH. THEY CAN DO THAT, TOO.

IT'S SURPRISING
HOW MUCH HEAT CAN BE THROWN

BY A LITTLE 60-WATT BULB
LIKE THAT.

BOY, THEY... THEY SURE CAN
HEAT UP THE ROOM.

BARNEY?

HUH?

ISN'T THIS NICE...

YEAH.

WITH THE LIGHTS OUT?

YEAH. IT...

IT SEEMS TO BE
A LITTLE BIT COOLER ALREADY.

BARNEY?

HMM?

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO STAY
LIKE THIS FOREVER?

WELL...

WELL, WOULDN'T YOU?

YEAH. I GUESS.

BARNEY, DO YOU MEAN IT?

DADDY! DADDY, COME QUICK!

WAIT'LL YOU HEAR!

WHAT? WHAT? HEAR WHAT?

WHAT IS IT? WHAT HAPPENED?

DADDY, GUESS WHAT?

BARNEY HAS JUST
PROPOSED TO ME.

HE DID?

HE DID.

I DID?

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

OH, MY BOY!

ANDY...

WHAT IS IT?

DID YOU SEE
THIS ITEM

IN THE MAYBERRY
MERRY-GO-ROUND?

"WHAT LOCAL
DEPUTY AND WHAT

"RECENTLY-ARRIVED
SOUTHERN BELLE

"ARE PASSED THE
HAND-HOLDING STAGE

AND READY TO
SET THE DATE?"

LET ME SEE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, PAW?

WHAT DOES WHAT MEAN?

"PASSED THE HAND-HOLDING STAGE

AND READY TO SET THE DATE"?

THEY'RE READY TO SET THE DATE
FOR THE WEDDING.

BUT I THOUGHT BARNEY
HAD A GIRL-- THELMA LOU.

HE DOES. THIS
IS SOMEBODY ELSE.

WHAT DOES HE NEED
TWO OF THEM FOR?

HE DOESN'T.

YOU'D BETTER GET
GOING TO SCHOOL.

BUT IF HE'S GOT
ONE GIRL

WHY DOES HE NEED
ANOTHER ONE?

ANDY! ANDY!

DID YOU SEE THIS?

BARNEY, IF YOU
GOT ONE GIRL

WHY DO YOU NEED
ANOTHER ONE?

COME ALONG, OPIE.

BUT IF HE'S
GOT ONE GIRL...?

WHAT AM I GOING
TO DO ABOUT THIS?

I KNEW SHE
WAS SWEET ON ME

BUT I NEVER DREAMED
IT'D GO THIS FAR.

MELISSA HAD THAT
PUT IN THERE.

SHE CLAIMS
I PROPOSED TO HER.

DID YOU?

OF COURSE NOT.

I WAS JUST SITTING
ON THE SOFA

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE
TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS

TO COOL OFF THE ROOM,
AND, BOOM, I'M ENGAGED!

MY GOSH, ANDY,
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO?

I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS.

AND YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

YOU'RE MY FRIEND, MY BUDDY.

AFTER I GO IN

AND TALK TO THELMA LOU
FOR A LITTLE BIT

YOU COME UP AND WAIT
OUTSIDE THE DOOR

AND WHEN I THINK
THE TIME'S RIGHT

FOR YOU TO COME IN, I'LL SIGNAL
TO YOU BY SNEEZING TWICE.

YOU GOT THAT?

YEAH. SNEEZE TWICE.

STAY WITH ME,
WILL YOU?

I WILL.

WHY, ANDY.

AFTERNOON,
THELMA LOU.

MAY I COME IN?

SURE.

OKAY.

JUST WHAT WAS IT YOU CAME
TO SEE ME ABOUT, ANDY?

WAS IT PERSONAL
OR BUSINESS?

OH, BUSINESS, BUSINESS.

OF COURSE, BUSINESS.
WHAT ELSE?

I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU CAME
TO TALK ABOUT A CERTAIN PERSON

I'D RATHER NOT DISCUSS.

IF THAT SHOULD BE THE CASE...

OH, NO. NO.

NO. I'M HERE ON OFFICIAL
BUSINESS, LIKE I SAID.

WHAT I'M ACTUALLY DOING--
I'M MAKING A DOOR-TO-DOOR SURVEY

REGARDING
FOUNDER'S DAY CELEBRATION.

SEE, WE WANT TO GET
EVERYBODY'S THOUGHTS ON IT.

YES?

YOU GOT ANY THOUGHTS ON IT?

IT'S FOUNDER'S DAY.

I SUPPOSE
WE MIGHT AS WELL CELEBRATE IT.

THAT'S A GOOD THOUGHT.

AND-AND-AND ABOUT THE PARADE--

NOW, I THINK THIS YEAR
WE OUGHT TO GO ALL OUT

YOU KNOW, AND HAVE
THE DRUM AND FIFE CORE AND...

OH, I SAID "FIFE."

THAT'S THE VERY PERSON

YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO DISCUSS.

YOU ARE SO RIGHT.

BUT SINCE WE OPENED UP
THE SUBJECT

WE MIGHT AS WELL GO AHEAD
AND DISCUSS IT, RIGHT?

WRONG.

NOW, THE SITUATION
BETWEEN YOU AND BARNEY...

SHERIFF, I DO NOT CARE
TO DISCUSS BARNEY FIFE.

IF THAT WAS YOUR PURPOSE
IN COMING OVER HERE

YOU CAN LEAVE
RIGHT NOW!

WELL, SPEAK OF THE
DEVIL -- HI, BARN?

YOU DIDN'T
SNEEZE TWICE, ANDY.

IS THE TIME RIPE?

I GUESS NOT.

THELMA LOU,
ALL BARNEY WANTS

IS TO BEG
YOUR FORGIVENESS.

AIN'T THAT
RIGHT, BARN?

I WANT TO BEG YOUR
FORGIVENESS, THELMA LOU.

THE POOR FELLA'S
ONLY CRIME

WAS LOVING YOU
TOO MUCH.

I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH,
TOO MUCH.

WHEN HIS HEART BECOME
FILLED WITH BITTERNESS

AT THE THOUGHT
OF LOSING YOU

HE TURNED TO ANOTHER.

TURNED TO ANOTHER,
TURNED RIGHT TO ANOTHER.

HE WAS A VICTIM
OF CIRCUMSTANCE

NOT OF HIS OWN MAKING

A PAWN IN THE HANDS
OF A WILY WOMAN.

OH, SHE WAS WILY,
THELMA LOU.

SHE SAID THE ROOM'S
TOO WARM...

SO HE'S COME BACK TO YOU

A SADDER BUT
WISER BARNEY FIFE.

THAT'S ME
IN A NUTSHELL.

WHAT DO YOU SAY,
THELMA LOU?

THELMA LOU?

YOU REALLY WANT ME
TO FORGIVE YOU?

OH, I SURE DO.

YOU WANT US TO GO BACK
THE WAY WE WERE?

OH, GOLLY, THELMA LOU,
MORE THAN ANYTHING.

WILL THAT BE ALL RIGHT
WITH YOUR FIANCE?

UH, H-HER?

NOW, LISTEN, THELMA LOU.

DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT HER.

I'M GOING RIGHT
OVER THERE NOW

AND TELL HER IT'S
ALL OFF BETWEEN HER AND ME.

I AIN'T NEVER GOING
TO SEE OR SPEAK TO HER AGAIN

OR TO ANY WOMAN AGAIN.

BARNEY, I DON'T CARE

HOW MANY WOMEN
YOU SEE OR SPEAK TO.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO ACT
LIKE A SILLY SCHOOLBOY

EVERY TIME A GIRL
SMILES AT YOU.

ALL RIGHT. NEVER.

FROM NOW ON,
LEVELHEADED BARNEY FIFE.

THAT'S ME.

OKAY?

OKAY.

WELL, GIVE HIM
A LITTLE SUGAR.

AW, THAT'S NICE.

LITTLE SUGAR ON THE JAW.

MAKE UP.

DON'T YOU HAVE SOMEPLACE
YOU WANT TO GO?

OH, UM...

I GUESS IT'S DONE, HUH?

YEAH.

ALL OVER BETWEEN YOU
AND MELISSA.

YEAH...

[ CHUCKLING ]

HOW'D YOU DO IT?

HOW?

THE ONLY WAY THESE THINGS
CAN BE DONE, ANDY.

FAST. CLEAN.

SHE TOOK IT BAD,
I GUESS, HUH?

OH, YEAH, SHE WAS UPSET,
ALL RIGHT.

BUT IT'S HER OWN FAULT.

WHO TOLD HER TO FALL
IN LOVE WITH ME?

ANYWAY, I HAD TO GIVE IT
TO HER STRAIGHT.

THAT WAS CONSIDERATE.

SURE WAS CLOSE THOUGH.

[ PHONE RINGING ]

IT SURE WAS.

HELLO?

SHERIFF TAYLOR SPEAKING.

OH, HELLO, MR. STEVENS.

WELL, UH, IS
THERE SOMETHING

I CAN DO FOR YOU?

YOU DON'T SAY.

WELL, IS
THAT RIGHT?

WELL... REALLY?

WELL, I CAN
UNDERSTAND

YOUR POSITION,
MR. STEVENS.

WHAT?
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

BUT... BUT
I DON'T THINK

YOU HAVE TO START
A BREACH OF PROMISE SUIT.

BREACH OF PROMISE?!

WELL, I TELL YOU
WHAT, MR. STEVENS--

YOU-YOU-YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER
BE IN MY OFFICE

FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING

AND WE'LL SEE IF
WE CAN'T SETTLE THIS.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

BYE.

A BREACH OF PROMISE SUIT?!

THEY'RE SUING ME?
FOR WHAT?!

NOW, BARNEY...

BUT I DIDN'T
PROMISE HER ANYTHING.

I WAS RAILROADED.

I GUESS THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY
FOR PLAYING THE FIELD.

OH, DADDY,
ISN'T THIS AWFUL?

CONTROL YOURSELF.
OH, THERE, THERE.

YOU SEE, SHERIFF?

I MEAN, I DEMAND
SATISFACTION.

NOW, I CAN'T BLAME YOU,
MR. STEVENS

BUT ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO
TO ALL THE TROUBLE OF A LAWSUIT?

WELL, I...

IMAGINE WE COULD SETTLE
THIS THING OUT OF COURT.

OH...

EASY, HONEY.

UH... WELL, UH...

HOW MUCH... HOW MUCH
WOULD IT TAKE, WOULD YOU SAY?

WELL, SHE'S BEEN HURT
REAL BAD, SHERIFF.

SEE, WHAT SHE REALLY WANTED
WAS TO MARRY THIS MAN.

BUT I SUPPOSE

THAT A CASH SETTLEMENT
WOULD HELP MATTERS ALONG.

OH...

UH-HUH.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

Stevens:
THERE HE IS!

[ MELISSA WAILING ]

LET'S GET ON
WITH IT, SHERIFF.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO ABOUT THIS?

WE'RE GONNA TRY TO SETTLE THIS
TO EVERYBODY'S SATISFACTION

AND AVOID
A BREACH OF PROMISE SUIT.

NOW, BARNEY

YOU STAND, YOU STAND
RIGHT OVER THERE.

AND, MR. STEVENS

WOULD YOU MIND
BACKING UP

JUST A LEAST
LITTLE STEP THERE?

GOT TO BE IN
THE RIGHT POSITION

FOR A SETTLEMENT.

NOW, THERE WE ARE.

"DEARLY BELOVED

"WE ARE GATHERED TOGETHER
IN THE FACE OF THIS COMPANY

TO JOIN TOGETHER THIS MAN
AND WOMAN IN MATRIMONY..."

THAT SOUNDS LIKE
THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WE'LL SIGN THE LICENSE
ONCE WE GET THROUGH.

"DEARLY BELOVED..."

SHERIFF, WHAT IS THIS
A JOKE OR SOMETHING?

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

WE AGREED TO TRY TO AVOID
A BREACH OF PROMISE SUIT

AND IF MELISSA MARRIES BARNEY

WHY, THE PROMISE
YOU CLAIMED HE BREACHED

WON'T BE BREACHED AFTER ALL.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT?

"DEARLY BELOVED..."

JUST A MINUTE,
SHERIFF.

LOOK, ARE YOU OUT
OF YOUR MIND?!

STAY OUT OF THIS.
STAY OUT OF THIS?

SHUT UP.
SHUT UP?

YOU THINK I'M GONNA
MARRY THAT SQUIRT.

SQUIRT?!

NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE.

NOW, I DON'T APPRECIATE
YOU CALLING MY DEPUTY A SQUIRT.

AND THAT'S PRETTY FRESH
TALK YOU'RE USING

TO YOUR DADDY
THERE, TOO.

OR COULD IT BE
THAT HE'S NOT YOUR DADDY?

AND COULD IT BE
THAT YOU CAN'T MARRY BARNEY

'CAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED...
MAYBE TO ONE ANOTHER?

IS THAT BARELY
POSSIBLE?

LOOK, SHERIFF...

FORGET IT,
GLADYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ALL
TRIED TO DO IS AGAINST THE LAW.

I HAVE A MIND TO LOCK YOU UP

BUT SINCE YOU DIDN'T SUCCEED,
I RECKON YOU CAN LEAVE.

AND I MEAN MAYBERRY.

ANDY, YOU JUST
SAVED MY LIFE.

WELL...

BUT WHAT I CAN'T
FIGURE IS

HOW'D YOU KNOW
ABOUT THEM?

I DIDN'T.

WELL, HOW COULD YOU
TAKE A CHANCE LIKE THAT?

HOW'D YOU KNOW
SHE WOULDN'T MARRY ME?

WELL, COUPLE THINGS
KIND OF GIVE 'EM AWAY.

LIKE WHAT?

ONE THING: HE SEEMED
AWFUL ANXIOUS

TO MAKE
A SETTLEMENT.

AND THEN, TOO, SHE DIDN'T
LOOK TOO UNHAPPY.

DIDN'T LOOK LIKE TO ME
SHE HAD CRIED NARY A DROP.

OH.

BUT THAT WASN'T
REALLY THE THING

THAT CLINCHED IT.

NO? WELL, WHAT DID?

WELL, I JUST GOT
TO STUDYING

WHY WOULD A GIRL
THAT LOOKED AS PRETTY

AND FLASHY, AND BIG-CITY
AS SHE DID--

WHY WOULD
A GIRL LIKE THAT

WANT TO GET INVOLVED...

WITH A SQUIRT?

SQUIRT?!

WHERE DO YOU COME OFF
CALLING ME A SQUIRT?!

BARNEY?
THELMA LOU?

IS ANYBODY HERE?

OH, COME ON IN, ANDY.
I'LL GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE.

BARNEY?

WHERE ARE YOU?

OVER HERE ON THE SOFA.

IT'S AWFUL DARK IN HERE.

NOT TOO BAD.

I'M GONNA TURN ON A LIGHT.

UH...

HOW'S IT GOING, BARN?

FINE, FINE.

HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
ME DROPPING BY.

NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU,

AND WE WERE HOPING
YOU'D DROP BY.

YOU AND THELMA LOU GET
THINGS PATCHED UP, DID YOU?

MM-HMM.
YES, WE'VE BEEN TALKING,

AND I THINK, IN TIME,
THINGS WILL WORK OUT.

[ CHUCKLING ]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

DIDN'T YOU EVER SEE A MAN

DRINKING A CUP
OF COFFEE BEFORE.

SMART ALECK.