The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 1, Episode 7 - Andy the Matchmaker - full transcript

OH, HOWDY, BARNEY.

IT AIN'T
"HOWDY, BARNEY."

IT'S "GOODBYE,
BARNEY."

BARN?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I'M TURNING IN
ONE BADGE...

ONE NOTEBOOK...

AND ONE PENCIL.

BARNEY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M HANDING IN MY
RESIGNATION AS DEPUTY.

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.



ONE GUN BELT...

ONE HOLSTER...

ONE REVOLVER, AND...

ONE BULLET.

WELL...WELL,
NOW, HOLD ON THERE.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE.

NO, NO, THIS
IS IT, ANDY.

THIS IS IT.

ONE WHISTLE...

I REPLACED
THE PEA IN IT,

BUT I AIN'T
A-GONNA CHARGE YA.

BARNEY, WELL,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN

YOU'RE HANDING IN
YOUR RESIGNATION?

JUST WHAT I SAID--



I'M HANDING IN
MY RESIGNATION.

ONE TIE CLIP...
ONE TIE...

W-W-W-WELL, NOW,
WHOA JUST A MINUTE, NOW.

NOW, 'FORE I ACCEPT
YOUR RESIGNATION

I GOT TO HAVE
A LITTLE EXPLANATION HERE.

NOW, JUST EASE BACK AND
TELL ME WHAT'S GOT INTO YOU.

THIS IS THE LAST STRAW.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH THERE AIN'T
ANY DEPUTYIN' FOR ME TO DO,

BUT I DON'T LIKE
TO BE TEASED ABOUT IT.

YOU WAS, UH, YOU WAS TEASED?

THAT'S RIGHT AND BY
YOUR OWN SON OPIE.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

I SEEN HIM DO IT.

I CAUGHT HIM
RED-HANDED.

WELL, WHAT'D OPIE DO?

YOU DON'T BELIEVE
IT, DO YOU?

WELL, I DIDN'T
THINK YOU WOULD.

ONE CAP...

WELL, NOW--
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

I AM BOUND TO HEAR THIS.

NOW TELL ME,
WHAT DID OPIE DO?

HE WROTE A POEM ABOUT ME
ON THE WALL OF THE BANK.

WELL, WHAT POEM?

I WROTE IT DOWN.

I'D LIKE TO OFFER THIS
AS FOOLPROOF EVIDENCE.

"THERE ONCE WAS A
DEPUTY CALLED FIFE

"WHO CARRIED A GUN
AND A KNIFE.

"THE GUN WAS ALL DUSTY;
THE KNIFE WAS ALL RUSTY

'CAUSE HE NEVER CAUGHT
A CROOK IN HIS LIFE."

NOW THAT'S UNDERMINING
THE DIGNITY OF THE LAW.

IT MAKES OUT

LIKE I-I-I NEVER
WANTED TO CATCH CROOKS,

AND THAT JUST AIN'T SO.

I'D CATCH 'EM
IN A MINUTE.

BUT HOW AM I
GONNA CATCH 'EM

IF THERE AIN'T ANY,
FOR HEAVEN SAKE?

IF ONLY SOMEBODY
WOULD JUST COMMIT A CRIME--

ONE GOOD CRIME!

IF ONLY SOMEBODY'D
JUST KILL SOMEBODY.

BARNEY!

OH, I DON'T MEAN
ANYBODY WE KNOW.

BUT, WELL, IF A
COUPLE OF STRANGERS

WAS TO COME INTO TOWN,
AND, WELL, IF ONE OF THEM

WAS GONNA KILL THE
OTHER ONE ANYWAYS,

HE MIGHT JUST AS
WELL DO IT CHERE.

YEAH. MAYBE-- MAYBE
WE OUGHT TO ADVERTISE.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT;
MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT.

Andy:
WHAT I'M TRYIN'
TO TELL YOU...

HI, PA.
OH, HI-- HI, OPIE.

NOW YOU CAN
JUST GO AHEAD

AND ASK HIM
FOR YOURSELF.

ALL RIGHT.

UH, OPIE,

BARNEY SAYS
THERE WAS A POEM

WRITTEN ON THE WALL
OF THE BANK

AND THAT YOU WAS STANDIN'
BESIDE IT

WITH A PIECE OF CHALK
IN YOUR HAND.

YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T DO IT,
PA, HONEST.

I BELIEVE YOU.

ARE YOU PITTIN' YOUR
CRIME-DETECTIN' JUDGMENT

AGAINST MINE?!

WELL, BARNEY, I HAVE TO

BECAUSE FOR ONE THING,
OPIE WOULDN'T LIE TO ME.

YOU CALL THAT EVIDENCE?

AND FOR ANOTHER, HE AIN'T
LEARNED HOW TO WRITE YET.

WELL, WHAT'S THAT
GOT TO DO WITH...?

YOU DON'T
KNOW HOW TO...?

ONE FLASHLIGHT.

NOW, WAIT
A MINUTE, BARNEY.

OPIE, TELL BARNEY
WHAT HAPPENED.

WELL, I WAS ON MY WAY HOME
FROM SCHOOL

AND I SAW A COUPLE OF THE BIG
FELLAS WRITIN' ON THE WALL.

WHEN THEY HEARD YOU COMIN',

THEY PUSHED THE CHALK
INTO MY HAND

AND TOOK OFF
LIKE TWO HOUND DOGS

THAT BACKED
INTO A PORCUPINE.

THAT'S THE TRUTH, PA.

SO HELP ME.

HUH? THAT DO IT
FOR YOU, BARNEY?

MM-HMM.

OH, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT
DOES IT JUST FINE.

CAN I GO NOW, PA?

YEAH, GO AHEAD, OPIE.

WELL, GOODBYE, ANDY.

I'M SURE GONNA
MISS YOU,

YOU OLD SON-OF-A-GUN.

OH, BARNEY, CUT IT OUT.

NOW YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS
ABOUT RESIGNIN'.

WHAT IN THE WORLD
WILL YOU DO?

OH...

I-I DON'T KNOW.

I CAN GO UP
TO THE PICKLE FACTORY.

THEY ALWAYS NEED A BRINE TESTER.

NOW, BARNEY, YOU'RE
BLOWING THIS THING

WAY UP OUT OF PROPORTION.

NO, I'M NOT, ANDY.

NO...NO, I'M A MAN
THAT CRAVES ACTION.

I RECKON IT'S...

WELL, IT'S JUST
IN THE BLOOD.

AND WITH NOTHIN' FOR
ME TO DO AROUND HERE,

WELL, FOLKS JUST THINK
OF ME AS A FAILURE--

SORT OF A NOBODY.

OH, NOW, BARNEY,
THAT JUST AIN'T SO.

FOLKS AROUND HERE
THINK A WHOLE LOT OF YOU.

NO, ANDY, MY
MIND'S MADE UP.

OVER AND OUT, BUDDY.

OH, NOW, BARNEY.

SURE AM GONNA MISS
THESE BABIES.

YEP.

WELL...

GOODBYE, OLD JAILHOUSE.

BARNEY FIFE'S...

BARNEY FIFE'S
BLOWN HIS LAST WHISTLE.

OH, NOW, BARNEY.

OH, HEY, MISS ROSEMARY.

HELLO, ANDY.

WELL, I SEE YOU GOT MY SHIRTS
AND MY JUDGIN' COAT.

UH-HUH.

OOH, DON'T IT LOOK NICE.

WELL, THANK YOU.

OH, IT'S JUST AS CLEAN,
AND LOOKY THERE.

YOU LENGTHENED
THE SLEEVES.

A WHOLE INCH.

UH-HUH.
IT DOES LOOK NICE.

WELL, THANK YOU.

AND SO DO YOU.

OH, THANK YOU,
ANDY, I...

OH. HELLO, MR. FIFE.

OH, HOW DO, MISS ROSEMARY?

THAT'S, UH, THAT'S A NICE
NEW HAT YOU'RE WEARIN' THERE.

I NEVER THOUGHT YOU
EVER NOTICED THINGS

A BODY WORE, MR. FIFE.

OH, OH, I'M A TRAINED NOTICER.

I BET YOU THINK I NEVER NOTICED

HOW YOU WEAR
A DIFFERENT COLOR SHIRTWAIST

EVERY SUNDAY MORNIN'

WHEN I WALK YOU
TO CHURCH.

OH, WELL, NOW, A BODY LEARNS
SOMETHIN' NEW EVERY DAY.

NOW, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WAS IN THE HABIT

OF WALKING MISS ROSEMARY
TO PREACHIN'.

WELL, IT AIN'T
LIKE I'M IN THE HABIT.

I-I-I-IT'S JUST THAT, UH...

WELL, UH,
I PASS HER HOUSE ON THE WAY.

YOU SEE, HER HOUSE
IS RIGHT ON THE WAY,

SO I-I-I PASS IT.

A-AND I WALK HER.

BECAUSE I-IT'S ON THE WAY.

WHAT IS?
HER HOUSE?

YEAH.

I, UH, I-I HOPE
I'M NOT INTERRUPTING

SOME IMPORTANT
POLICIN' WORK, AM I?

UH...

OH-OH-OH, NO, NO.

ME AND BARNEY'S JUST DOIN'
A LITTLE INVENTORY.

YEAH.

OH. I IMAGINE THERE
MUST BE SO MUCH
YOU HAVE TO DO--

SHERIFFIN' AND...
DEPUTYIN'.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]
WELL, UH...

GUESS WITH ALL
YOUR RESPONSIBILITY,

YOU MEN HAVE TO
BE ON THE JOB
24 HOURS A DAY.

YEAH. YEAH. ACTUALLY,

THERE OUGHT TO BE THREE
OF US TO DO THIS JOB,

BUT ME AND BARNEY,
WE HOLD HER DOWN

THE BEST WE CAN,
DON'T WE, BARNEY?

YEAH.

WELL, YOU PEOPLE SURE DO MAKE
A BODY FEEL SAFE.

WELL, WE TRY.

'COURSE, I DON'T KNOW HOW
WE CAN MAKE 'EM FEEL SAFE

BOTH OF US JUST STANDIN'
AROUND HERE IN THE OFFICE.

LOOKS LIKE ONE OF US
OUGHT TO BE OUT ON PATROL.

YEAH.

OH, UH, YEAH.

THAT'S A GOOD
IDEA, ANDY.

WHY DON'T I,
UH, JUST GET

OUT THERE ON,
UH, ON PATROL?

YEAH, WELL, UH...

OOPS.

DON'T, UH, DON'T FORGET
YOUR BULLET.

OH, WELL, YEAH.

I'LL, UH, I'LL
BE SEEIN' YOU,
MISS ROSEMARY.

BYE.

YEAH.

UH, SEE YOU, ANDY.

UH, GOODBYE.

GOODBYE.

OH, THAT BARNEY IS A BIRD.

HE KIND OF SWEET
ON YOU, TOO, AIN'T HE?

OH.

WELL, HE IS, TOO.

I COULD TELL BY THE WAY
HE WAS ACTIN'.

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING ELSE?

HE AIN'T BY HISSELF.

WHY, YOU COULD HAVE YOUR PICK
OF A DOZEN MEN.

OH, YOU GET AWAY.

WELL, YOU COULD.

YOU JUST KEEP
TURNIN' 'EM DOWN

'FORE THEY GET A CHANCE
TO ASK YOU.

YOU'RE JUST PUTTIN' ME ON.

NOBODY'D WANT ME.

WELL, NO?

WELL, HOW 'BOUT BARNEY FIFE?

HE-- HE WALKS YOU
TO PREACHIN' EVERY SUNDAY.

'CAUSE IT'S ON HIS WAY.

[ CHUCKLING ]

I GUESS YOU DON'T KNOW
BARNEY TOO GOOD, DO YOU?

HE'S SWEET ON YOU,
ALL RIGHT.

THE ONLY THING IS,
HE'S JUST LIKE YOU.

YOU AND HIM ARE JUST
LIKE TWO PEAS IN A POD.

HE DON'T THINK NOTHING
OF HISSELF EITHER.

SO HE FIGURES
A FINE WOMAN LIKE YOU

WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO

WITH A NOBODY LIKE HIM.

HE'S, UH, HE'S WRONG,
AIN'T HE?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

WELL, SOME OF
THESE TIMES

BARNEY MIGHT FATTEN
UP HIS SELF-RESPECT

TO WHERE HE'D JUST UP
AND POP THE QUESTION.

HI, MISS ROSEMARY.

HI, OPIE.

UH, WELL,
I BETTER GET GOING.

I, UH, I GOT ME
SOME PIES TO BAKE

FOR ABIGAIL MILKEN'S
PARTY.

YOU SAVE ME ONE NOW,
YOU HEAR?

OH, I-I SURE
WILL. BYE.

WELL, YOUNG FELLA,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

PA, HOW 'BOUT LET'S YOU AND ME
GO OVER TO WALKER'S DRUGSTORE

AND HAVE US
SOME ICE CREAM SODAS?

YOU WANT TO?

WELL, NOW I DON'T KNOW

WHY THAT WOULDN'T
BE IN ORDER.

OPIE, YOU KNOW
SOMETHING?

WHAT, PA?

A GOOD TOWN OWES
ITS CITIZENS

A RIGHT TO KEEP BUSY.

NOW IF THEY'S A
TOOTH DENTIST IN TOWN,

WHY, FOLKS OUGHT TO
GET A TOOTHACHE
ONCE IN A WHILE.

AND IF THEY'S A
STREET CLEANER,

WHY, FOLKS ARE OBLIGED

TO KEEP THE STREETS
JUST A LITTLE BIT DIRTY.

AND IF THEY'S A DEPUTY SHERIFF,

WHY, HE OUGHT TO HAVE
A CRIME TO WORK ON

EVERY ONCE
IN A WHILE.

HUH?

OH, NOTHING BIG, NOTHING BIG--

JUST A NICE
FRIENDLY LITTLE CRIME.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH GOIN'
OVER TO WALKER'S FOR A SODA?

WELL, YEAH.

WALKER'S DRUGSTORE.

WHY, THAT'D DO JUST EXTRA GOOD.

YES, SIR.

HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M DOING THIS SILLY THING.

WELL, OF COURSE YOU DO.

IT'S GONNA DO A WHOLE LOT
FOR BARNEY

AND HELP HIM OUT
WITH MISS ROSEMARY.

YES, ANDY, BUT WHAT IF HE
FINDS OUT THAT IT'S ONLY --

Opie:
HERE HE COMES!

[ SIREN WAILING ]

NOW LET'S REMEMBER,
ACT NERVOUS.

YES, ALL RIGHT,
NOW, LET'S SEE--

HE WAS WEARING A MASK
AND HE HAD A GUN

AND HE MADE ME OPEN
THE CASH REGISTER

AND GIVE HIM
ALL THE MONEY.

HOW MUCH WAS THERE
SUPPOSED TO BE?

OH, $24.

$24? ISN'T THAT SORT
OF A CHEAP CRIME?

WELL, IT'S BARNEY'S
FIRST CRIME,

AND WE OUGHT TO KIND
OF LET HIM START

AT THE BOTTOM
AND WORK HIS WAY UP.

I CAME AS SOON
AS YOU CALLED.

MISS ELLIE,
WAS YOU ROBBED?
MM-HMM.

SOMEONE TOOK YOUR MONEY?
MM-HMM.

WITHOUT YOU
WANTING HIM TO?
MM-HMM.

CAME RIGHT IN
AND HELD YOU UP, DID HE?

WELL, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

YES, BARNEY, THIS
MASKED MAN WITH A GUN

WALKED RIGHT IN,
MADE ME OPEN

THE CASH REGISTER
AND TOOK $24.

GOOD FOR HIM!

I MEAN, YOU JUST LEAVE
EVERYTHING TO ME.

OH, BOY, THIS IS
THE FIRST CHANCE I'VE HAD

TO USE MY FINGERPRINT KIT
IN TWO YEARS.

POWDER. BRINGS OUT THE PRINTS.

MATCH PRINTS, IDENTIFY SUSPECT,
PICK HIM UP, CASE CLOSED.

[ COUGHING ]

WELL, UH, HE PROBABLY
WORE GLOVES ANYWAY.

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING

'CAUSE I'LL HAVE THAT CROOK
UNDER LOCK AND KEY IN 24 HOURS

OR MY NAME AIN'T
RELIABLE BARNEY FIFE.

YOU BETTER KEEP
OFF THE STREETS, OPE.

DID YOU EVER SEE ANYBODY
LOOK SO HAPPY?

NO. AND IT'S A GOOD THING
WE DIDN'T MAKE IT BIGGER

THAN A $24 CRIME.

I DON'T THINK HIS HEART
COULD HAVE STOOD IT.

NO. HE-- HE COULDN'T HAVE
STOOD ONE FOR $24.95.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

HOW'S THAT, ELLIE?

NO, I AIN'T SEEN BARNEY
SINCE EARLY THIS MORNIN'.

[ CHUCKLING ]

NO, I TALKED HIM
OUT OF IT.

HE AIN'T GOING TO ROPE OFF
THE DRUGSTORE.

AND HE PROMISED TO HAVE
YOUR CASH REGISTER BACK

BY CLOSING TIME.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GO AHEAD
AND USE THAT DRAWER THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU. BYE.

WELL, NOW, YOUNG FELLA,
HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?

NOT SO GOOD, PA.

I HAD TO STAND IN
THE CORNER TWICE

'CAUSE THE TEACHER SAID
I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.

WELL, WAS YOU?

NOPE.

WELL, HOW COME?

WELL, I WAS
KIND OF THINKING

ABOUT YESTERDAY, PA.

YOU AND MISS ELLIE
DID THE ROBBERY

TO HELP OLD BARNEY
FEEL IMPORTANT ENOUGH

TO COURT MISS ROSEMARY.

RIGHT, PA?
RIGHT.

WELL, HOW'S
HE GONNA FEEL IMPORTANT

IF THERE'S NO CROOK
FOR HIM TO CATCH?

WELL, NOW, THAT'S
A RIGHT THOUGHTFUL QUESTION.

I THOUGHT OF IT
STANDING IN THE CORNER.

WELL, NOW--
NOW, YOU SEE, SON,

IT AIN'T ONLY WHAT A MAN
DOES THAT'S IMPORTANT.

IT'S WHAT HE ACCOMPLISHES
ALONG THE WAY.

HUH?

WELL, NOW, YOU SEE,

SUPPOSE THERE
REALLY WAS A CROOK

AND OLD BARNEY
WAS TO CATCH HIM.

WELL, IT'D BE ALL OVER
AND DONE WITH.

BUT THIS WAY HE CAN KEEP
BUSY FOR QUITE A SPELL.

FOLKS'LL KEEP
COMING UP TO HIM

AND THEY'LL SAY,
"HOWDY, BARNEY.

HOW'S THE WALKER CASE COMING?"

AND OLD BARNEY, HE CAN
REAR BACK AND HE CAN SAY,

"FINE, FINE.

CLOSING IN ALL THE TIME,
YES, SIR."

SEE, BARNEY, HE'LL HAVE
A PURPOSE IN LIFE THAT WAY.

BUT, PA, HOW LONG
DO YOU THINK BARNEY

WILL KEEP LOOKIN'
FOR A ROBBER

THAT YOU AND MISS ELLIE
MADE UP?

WELL, NOW, YOU KNOW BARNEY.
HE DON'T GIVE UP TOO EASY.

I EXPECT THIS WILL GO ON
A LONG, LONG TIME.

HERE HE IS, SHERIFF--

THE FELLA ROBBED
WALKER'S DRUGSTORE.

WHAT?

PA!
NOW, LOOK, SHERIFF,

CALL OFF
THIS CRAZY DEPUTY.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

NOT MUCH YOU DON'T.

HE'S OUR MAN,
ALL RIGHT.

TOLD YOU I'D WRAP
THIS CASE UP IN 24 HOURS.

BUT, PA...

UH, WAIT A MINUTE, OPIE.

BARNEY, WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE
HE'S THE ROBBER?

YEAH. ASK HIM.
HE'S CRAZY, I TELL YOU.

YEAH?
CRAZY LIKE A FOX.

DON'T MESS
WITH FOXY FIFE.

EASIEST CASE
I EVER CRACKED.

"WHO DONE IT?"
I SAYS TO MYSELF.

"SOMEONE IN TOWN
OR A STRANGER?"

"A STRANGER,"
I SAID TO MYSELF.

WELL, IF IT WAS A STRANGER,

HOW DID HE GET IN
AND OUT OF TOWN?

BY CAR? NO ONE IN TOWN
SEEN A STRANGE CAR.

BY AIRPLANE?
WE AIN'T GOT NO LANDIN' FIELD.

BOAT?
WE AIN'T GOT NO WATER.

SO THAT LEFT JUST ONE WAY,
AND THAT WAY WAS BY FREIGHT.

FREIGHT?

FREIGHT. SO I WENT DOWN
TO THE TRACKS, AND I FOUND HIM

PROWLING AROUND DOWN THERE
AND HERE HE IS.

HEH. SAYS HE'S
FROM CHATTANOOGA.

BUT, PA...

UH, OPIE, UH,
WHY DON'T YOU...

LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU
GO OVER TO WALKER'S

AND GET YOU A
ICE CREAM SODA.

BUT, PA...

I'LL LET YOU KNOW
HOW IT COMES OUT.

GO ON, SEE MISS ELLIE.

ALL RIGHT, SHERIFF,
YOU THROUGH WITH
YOUR LITTLE JOKE?

NOW YOU BETTER LET ME GO,
OR I'LL SUE YOU

AND THIS WHOLE TOWN
FOR FALSE ARREST.

YOU BUTTON YOUR LIP!

EVERYTHING YOU SAY'LL
BE HELD AGAINST YOU.

UH, UH...

EXCUSE US,
UH, ONE SECOND.

DON'T YOU GO ANYWHERES.

YOU'RE IN CUSTODY.

NOW, BARNEY,
WE HAVE TO BE SURE

WHEN WE MAKE AN ARREST.

WHY DON'T YOU
CALL THE SHERIFF

IN CHATTANOOGA AND
FIND OUT WHO HE IS?

WELL...

NOW, ANDY, THERE'S BEEN
A ROBBERY, AIN'T THERE?

WELL...YEAH.

I'M SURE HE'S THE
ONE THAT DONE IT.

WHY DON'T YOU LET
ME WORK HIM OVER?

NO, NO, I'LL-I'LL
CALL HIS HOMETOWN

AND MAYBE
HE CAN CLEAR HIMSELF.

AND TAKE THAT GUN
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

UH, WON'T YOU
HAVE A SEAT?

WHAT FOR?

SIT DOWN.

UH, MY DEPUTY
BROUGHT YOU IN

ON A CHARGE
OF SUSPICION

SO THIS IS...JUST
A FORMALITY, YOU SEE.

YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO GET
IN BIG TROUBLE OVER THIS.

UM...WELL, WHAT...

WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
PLEASE, SIR?

CRAWFORD--
TRACY CRAWFORD.

CRAWFORD.
ALL RIGHT,
MR. CRAWFORD,

I'LL JUST MAKE A
LITTLE PHONE CALL HERE

AND I EXPECT WE
CAN STRAIGHTEN THIS
WHOLE THING OUT.

UH, SARA?

UH, ME.

WOULD YOU GET ME THE SHERIFF
OVER IN CHATTANOOGA?

I'LL HOLD RIGHT ON.

WHILE WE'RE WAITIN'
FOR THAT CALL,

I'M GONNA QUESTION
THE PRISONER, SHERIFF.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I TOLD YOU-- CRAWFORD.

OH.

OH, YEAH, YOU DID.

WELL, UH, TELL ME--

HOW LONG YOU BEEN, UH,
PLANNING THIS DRUGSTORE CAPER?

OH, YOU DON'T
WANNA TALK, HUH?

WELL, WE GOT LITTLE WAYS
OF MAKING PEOPLE TALK.

BARNEY...

NICE, COOL WATER.

KIND OF LOOKS GOOD,
DON'T IT?

YOU CAN, UH, HAVE SOME
IF YOU'LL JUST, UH, TALK.

I AIN'T THIRSTY.

WELL, UH -- WELL,
MAYBE YOU'LL TALK IF, UH...

I SHINE THIS LIGHT
IN YOUR EYE.

BATTERY'S KIND OF WEAK.

WELL, WE GOT A FEW MORE
TRICKS UP OUR SLEEVE.

HELLO?

HELLO, SHERIFF, THIS
IS SHERIFF TAYLOR

OVER IN MAYBERRY.

UH, LISTEN, MY DEPUTY
BROUGHT IN A FELLA

ON SUSPICION OF ROBBERY

AND HE SAYS HE'S
FROM OVER THERE
IN CHATTANOOGA

AND I JUST WANTED TO SEE
WASN'T HE ALL RIGHT.

SAYS HIS NAME IS
TRACY CRAWFORD.

HE'S ABOUT, OH...
NEAR ABOUT SIX FOOT TALL,

WEIGHS BETWEEN 165, 170 POUNDS,

GOT BROWN CURLY HAIR AND...

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
MUCH OBLIGED.

WELL, BARNEY, WE GONNA HAVE
TO DROP THAT CHARGE OF ROBBERY

AGAINST HIM.

WHAT?!

YOU SATISFIED NOW?

YEAH, YEAH,
WE GONNA HAVE

TO DROP THAT CHARGE
SO WE CAN EXTRADITE YOU.

HUH?

YEAH, IT SEEMS LIKE
THAT YOU'RE WANTED

ON FIVE MORE
SERIOUS CHARGES

BACK IN CHATTANOOGA.

THE SHERIFF OVER
THERE RECOGNIZED
YOUR DESCRIPTION

AND YOUR NAME AS
ONE OF YOUR ALIASES.

HEH. WELL, BARNEY,
I RECKON

YOU'LL JUST HAVE
TO LOCK HIM UP

AND WAIT FOR
THE OFFICIALS
TO COME GET HIM.

I WAS RIGHT!

I GOT HIM! I DID IT!

A REAL BIG TIMER!

I GOT HIM ALL BY MYSELF,
I DID IT!

ALL RIGHT, YOU,
COME ON, LET'S GO!

GET THEM HANDS
OUTTA YOUR POCKETS!

COME ON. COME ON, MOVE!
HUP-HUP-HUP-HUP!

GO ON, GET IN THERE
AND SUCK IN THAT GUT.

GET RIGHT IN THAT CELL.

GO ON. MOVE!

ANDY, WHAT IS THIS
OPIE TELLS ME? BARNEY --

Shh, shh, shh!

BARNEY CAUGHT THE THIEF?
WHAT THIEF?

A REAL ONE.

I'LL TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU,
BUT I CAN'T RIGHT NOW.

Barney: PRISONER'S
ALL LOCKED UP, SHERIFF.

HI, MISS ELLIE.

ANDY TELL YOU?
WE GOT YOUR MAN.

HE JUST TOLD ME.

BOY, I AM PROUD OF YOU.

WAIT TILL THIS COMES OUT
IN THE PAPER DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

BOY, YOU'LL BE A BIG MAN
IN THIS TOWN.

WELL, IT'S ALL
IN A DAY'S WORK.

WELL, I GOT TO GET BACK
ON THE JOB.

IT'S A JUNGLE
OUT THERE.

AND I GOT TO
HUNT THEM DOWN.

Barney: ANDY! ANDY!

ANDY, HERE IT IS.

LET ME SEE IT.
LET ME SEE IT.

Barney:
"DEPUTY BARNEY FIFE
CRACKS WALKER ROBBERY."

OOH, I WISH YOU WOULD
LOOK AT THAT,

AND RIGHT ON
THE FRONT PAGE.

YEAH.
"NABS CRIMINAL."

THAT'S ME,
A CRIMINAL NABBER.

BOY, THAT'S A GOOD
PICTURE OF YOU.

WOMEN GONNA FLOCK
AROUND YOU

LIKE CHICKENS
AROUND A JUNE BUG.

YOU WANNA DOUBLE-DATE?
YOU WANT TO?

I'M GONNA TAKE MISS ELLIE

TO THE PICTURE SHOW
SATURDAY NIGHT.

YOU AND MISS ROSEMARY
CAN GO WITH US.

THEN AFTER THE SHOW,
WHY, WE CAN GO

DOWN TO SNAPPY LUNCH
AND GET SOMETHIN' TO EAT

AND SOME COFFEE.
WANT TO?

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
ANDY,

I DIDN'T GET AROUND
TO ASKIN' MISS ROSEMARY

TO GO OUT SATURDAY NIGHT.

YOU DIDN'T?

NO. I GOT TO THINKIN'.

WELL, NOW THAT I'M
SOMEBODY IN THIS TOWN

AFTER CRACKIN'
THAT CRIME AND ALL,

WHY SHOULD I BE
IN SUCH A HURRY

TO TIE MYSELF DOWN?

HOW-- HOW'S THAT?

OH, I LIKE
MISS ROSEMARY AND ALL,

BUT WHY RUSH IT?

SHE'S BEEN AROUND THIS LONG.

SHE'LL KEEP A SPELL
LONGER, WON'T SHE?

SORT OF OWE IT TO MYSELF
TO LOOK AROUND FIRST.

LET ME SEE
THAT STORY AGAIN.

GOOD MORNIN'.

Andy:
OH, HEY,
MISS ROSEMARY.

HERE'S THAT PIE
I PROMISED YOU, ANDY.

OH, MUCH OBLIGED.

CONGRATULATIONS,
MR. FIFE.

FOR WHAT?

OH, THIS.

WELL, THANKS.

I WANT YOU TO LOOK
AT THAT BLUEBERRY PIE.

AIN'T THAT PRETTY?

OOH, AND MY
FAVORITE KIND, TOO.

MISS ROSEMARY,
YOU ARE A ONE

FOR PUTTIN' A GLOW
IN A MAN'S DAY.

I MEAN IT.

YOU'RE ALWAYS SO
BRIGHT AND CHEERFUL.

WELL, UH,
MISS ROSEMARY,

THERE'S SOMETHIN'
I BEEN WANTIN'

TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
FOR A LONG TIME,

BUT, WELL,
OUT OF RESPECT

FOR MY OLD BUDDY
BARNEY HERE

I BEEN KIND OF
HOLDING MY PEACE,

BUT, WELL, NOW
I GOT THE FEELIN'

THAT I DON'T
HAVE TO CONSIDER
BARNEY'S RIGHTS

IN THE MATTER
ANY FURTHER.

WHAT ARE YOU
TRYIN' TO SAY?

I'M SAYIN' IT, BARNEY.

MISS ROSEMARY, YOU'RE A FINE
WOMAN WITH A FINE CHARACTER,

AND THINGS LIKE THAT'S
IMPORTANT TO A MAN, AND...

WELL, I WAS WONDERIN'
IF YOU WOULD DO ME THE HONOR

OF LETTIN' ME CALL ON YOU
FROM TIME TO TIME.

NOW, JUST HOLD
ON A SECOND.

SHE'S SPOKE FOR.

SHE IS?

I AM?

WELL, WHY DO YOU THINK

I WALK HER TO CHURCH
EVERY SUNDAY?

I DON'T KNOW-- YOU TOLD ME IT'S
'CAUSE YOU PASS BY HER HOUSE.

NOT IF I TAKE
THE SHORTCUT.

I BEEN GOIN' THE
LONG WAY AROUND.

YOU SURE HAVE.

IT'S ONLY FAIR AFTER
ALL THE SHOE LEATHER

I HAVE INVESTED IN
HER FOR ME TO HAVE

THE FIRST RIGHT
TO ASK FOR A DATE.

WELL, ARE YOU ASKIN'?

WELL...

YEAH.

WELL!

MISS ROSEMARY?

MISS ROSEMARY,
HE'S ASKIN'.

HE-- HE'S ASKIN',
MISS ROSEMARY.

MISS ROSEMARY, THIS IS IT.

DON'T MESS IT UP.

WELL, BARNEY,

GO AHEAD.

ASK HER.

WILL YOU, MISS ROSEMARY?

YES, MR. FIFE.

WELL, NOW, AIN'T
THAT SOMETHING?

AIN'T THAT SOMETHING?

YOU CAN'T TELL BUT,
WHAT, AS JUSTICE OF THE PEACE

I JUST THREW MYSELF
SOME NEW TRADE.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ WHISTLING SPRIGHTLY TUNE ]